Trigger Warnings: Sexual abuse, rape, child molesting, and pedophilia all hinted at in this chapter.
Sara
"My back is fucked up." I watch my person in Emy's mirror. I look at my face and try to mess with the pimple on the lower left corner of my lips. Her mirror makes everything so huge and extra noticeable.
"Again?" Emy's in the bathroom with the door slightly ajar.
"Ya. I barely slept last night. Now it's better with the painkillers but it's fucked up." I take a step back. Maybe I should cut my hair. I do look like a dog, don't I? "Why do you have a long ass mirror in front of your bed?" I twirl around as I try to scan my body. "Do you like...watch yourself masturbate in front of it?"
Emy's head pops up from inside the bathroom. "Sar, you have issues." I notice her exposed shoulders and I become curious.
"What are you doing in there?" I furrow my eyebrows, walking towards the door. She doesn't let me in, she blocks my possibility of entering with her arm.
"Go lie on that bed." She orders but I try again to enter. "Please." I sigh and turn around, doing as she told me.
"Alright." I hear my girlfriend's voice once again. "I need you to accept what you're gonna see with an open mind. I need you to try and think about it. Please." I am not exactly sure what she's talking about. I squint my eyes in a state of haze as I try to imagine an endless variety of possibilities. But before my mind can come up with colourful images, I see Emy standing before me...naked...and strapped.
Naked and strapped.
"What the fuck?" I laugh, not because I intend to do it, but because I'm seriously nervous and embarrassed. Well...my girlfriend is completely naked in front of me...and strapped...and that's my dildo. She must have gotten it without me knowing. I take a deep breath and we look at each other, she's embarrassed as well because her face is adorably cherry red.
"Do I look funny?" Her arms are moving around, covering her breasts one second and hiding behind her back the next. I didn't mean to laugh but I couldn't really handle my feelings in any better way. She has beautiful breasts...not as beautiful as Tegan's, but beautiful enough to make me stare.
And as I stare I begin to think what has taken me this long hiding her and myself beneath blankets and darkness. I've seen her naked, many, many times, but everything is more captivating underneath the glow of lights. I have a beautiful girlfriend. "You look hot." I whisper, lowering my head with a smile. I wonder, if Tegan stood there like that in front of me what would I be feeling?
Why am I thinking of Tegan when my lover is trying to catch my attention? She's right, I do have issues.
"So?" She walks closer to me. And subconsciously, my eyes widen when I see her nude form closing the gap between us and I see the blue phallus so close to me. She notices me staring so she grabs it, wrapping her tiny hands around it. And I can't help but imagine her moving her hand as I am wearing it. I need to do her right now.
"We talked about that." I say again, looking up at her.
"Don't you ever want to give it a try?" My hands are already fooling around the straps, trying to get her rid of them.
"Well, right now I truly wanna fuck you with 'em." I lick my lower lip and she starts caving in. She always caves in. She loves the dildo in her, and I honestly do wanna try it, I'm curious about it. But I also really love doing her with it, and I'm also very shy in trying it. But I feel like we're breaking many barriers thanks to Tegan.
Tegan? Again? Yes, I mean if it wasn't for that threesome idea, I wouldn't have been pushing myself to try and feel and look and be exposed.
"I'll let you do me if you'll get as naked as I am right now." She smiles, letting go of the straps and intoxicating me with the view of her shaved cunt. "I also want to go down on you first, while you look at me." Hell no...I'll faint from embarrassment.
"No." I shake my head. "That's too..." I don't continue, I let it go when my face heats up. She places her hand over my shirt and I do allow her to unbutton it.
"You're beautiful." She tells me, taking off my shirt and revealing my breasts protected by a black bra. "I've been down on you many, many, many times." She winks at me, taking a hold of my jeans. "I've already seen you naked because my face has been there, and I already know how everything looks, tastes, and feels like."
"Emy!" I scold her and she giggles. Where did all the confidence come from? She's never spoken to me like that. It's like...it's like she's been taking lessons at Tegan's sex school...wait a minute, that motherfucking whore, Tegan. I'm pretty sure she's teaching her some shit. The way she's teaching me some shit.
"Look babe, I know you don't want to see me looking at your vagina. I know you're shy and all, but you need to realize that we're dating, we love each other, and I don't care about any flaw you think you have." Well, that sounds like Emy. She has told me that plenty of times before.
"What if you don't like how my vagina looks, though?" I take a look at her nude body one more time and then at her hands lowering my jeans. I push it down my legs and throw it away with my feet.
She looks at me, as if I had said something really weird, and then shakes her head. She reaches for my bra and I push her hands away. "What now?"
"Emy?" I ask her. "Can I touch your boobs?" She looks at me again with the same expression but doesn't shake her head anymore, she grabs both my hands and allows me to palm her breasts. I giggle like a stupid child and she giggles as well. "They feel good." She blushes and I think I am blushing too. "It's weird touching them like that...like not in the middle of sex, like..." I stop knowing what to say and I end up drowning in my own emotions and desire, kissing her as if I've never kissed before.
My kisses take her by surprise and she almost falls, I've been always the one who melted us both into action, rarely she took charge and as much as I wished she did, I knew she liked it when I did it. I'm always too intimidated to ask her to take me and just ravish me, and she always gives up easily and surrenders her body and heart to me. This time it's different, I feel the difference and I do allow it. She holds my face when she realizes what's going on and she pushes her tongue with aggressive permission, which I allow happily and which she moans at while tasting the remnants of strawberry juice inside my mouth.
She pushes me on her mattress and I feel my back burn and cry, but I let it go because something else more important is happening. With one swift move, just one damn move, my underwear is thrown farther away in this room. I'm pretty sure it's on Sarah's bed but my drugged and shocked state can't seem to absorb anything other than the fact that Emy has just stripped me naked and I am fucking naked in front of her prying eyes.
What I do next is that I turn around immediately and cover my face in my hands. I give Emy a view of my ass and she takes the chance to slap it playfully, which makes me gasp and wish I am disappearing from reality. "You're one of a kind, has anybody told you that?" No, because I'm not. I'm just a shy loser, that's probably what she means.
I whine and squirm under her touch when she pulls me by my hips to the edge of the bed. "My back, Em." I warn her when I feel the pain increasing in my lower back. She stays still for a while and I bet she's thinking why the fuck she's fucking a grandma with stretch marks and back pain and saggy breasts.
"Turn around, I wanna see you. I wanna go down on you, turn around." I turn my head and look back at her, she's squatting down on the floor in front of my slightly parted legs. "Close your eyes if it's too much to take, Jesus." She rolls her eyes and I turn around, closing my legs and hiding my face with one arm. "I've been going down on you for the past two years, pretty sure I know what your body looks like in precise details. Probably more than you do." I take a peek and I watch her looking between my legs after parting them. My heart starts drumming, feeling like it's the first time ever I'm being touched and looked at, but something in me is also relishing and enjoying the moment. Something in me feels excited and wants it, so without much consciousness, I spread my legs and watch her grin at the view of my drenched cunt. I start to take calming breaths when I feel her digits inspecting and toying with my folds. "Sara, fuck." She says with astonishment. "You're like dripping all over my sheets, do you know that?" Yes, motherfucker, I can feel it, now stop making me feel embarrassed and eat.
I groan instead of saying what I really want to say. "Emy." I whisper, really lowly.
"Hmm?" I'm not sure if she knows I'm peeking at her, but she's looking at me now while teasing my clit and taking a dip in my slit. "What do you want?"
"You know." I say again.
"No, I don't." Oh for fuck's sake.
"Fucking do it already you fucking bitch." I shout eventually, killing the mood and her teasing and making her burst in laughter. But also it makes her lower her face where I want it the most and it makes her swirl her tongue on my needing bundle of nerves. I moan in relief and I smile when I see her smiling while lapping at my juices.
She starts off slow, really slow, taking her time and I am an impatient one, with my other hand, I push her head to my pussy and she laughs, sending vibrations all over my clit, making me jump and begin to hump her face. "I wonder what you're thinking." She talks while biting down on my clit, it fuels my insides and she knows it. I'm squealing and she loves it. "Or who you thinking of." I wasn't listening until now, and my heart starts knocking for help, wanting an instant release and wanting an escape, because even though the thoughts are pushed away, she brings them back with her words without even mentioning the damned name on her tongue. What is she trying to do?
She grabs my legs and wraps them around her shoulders, I arch my back and push my folds in her face. She's bobbing her head, sucking my clit between her lips. Both of my hands are now on her head, messing up her hair. Then I see it, I see myself and I see her down on me through that mirror and I die and come back to life all at once. I gasp because the view is mesmerizing but also embarrassing.
She moans and I do too. "Are you thinking of her?" She kisses my clit and continues, "I bet you are. Do you imagine me as Tegan? Imagine me as her, eating your pussy like that. Making you come like that. Imagine I'm Tegan, I know you want to. Pretend I'm her." Let me say this...my heart is one second close to a collapse which will end its life. I don't know if I'm turned on, shocked, weirded out, or dying...probably all of these at once. But what she has just said basically built me up to higher levels of pleasure I've never experienced.
"Emy." I shout, I've never shouted. Her tongue is doing wonders inside my wet core, and all I can see is the woman mentioned by her doing it instead.
"I'm Tegan. I'm not Emy." And then it hits me. It hits me strongly and it crawls down on my skin like the sweat all over my body, it hits me that my damn girlfriend is also dangerously attracted to the woman I think...I think...I think I'm growing feelings for...and then I come. "Ohhh, that's how fast you'll come for her. You'll soak her whole face. Bet she'll love it." At this moment where my head is too out of it to make sense of what my lunatic girlfriend is blabbering about, I only nod my head and smile like an experienced little virgin who's just had her first orgasm ever.
Emy takes her chance and reaches to my face in order to kiss me, I almost do until I remember where her mouth has been and my sexual instinct acts up again as her breasts brush over my own. I push her down, a bit too roughly, I admit. She winces and I kiss her neck, finding a spot I want and making it my own. Her moans begin to rise and my eyes begin to darken once again. "And what about you? Are you imagining me as Tegan too? Or do you imagine yourself as Tegan and I'm fucking you?"
Emy's looking at me with eyes I've never seen, I bet she's wondering if an animal has been unleashed inside coy Sara Smith. I mean as far as I'm concerned, she just had to say the magical word to get me out of the cage, and she did. She said her name and now here I am strapping myself before her, slapping her thigh and parting her legs. Yes, I did almost erase my confidence with blushing and gasping at her red, soaked pussy, but I soon regained my confidence again and took a breath.
Okay, here's the thing...I seriously wanna go down on her. I seriously do and I'm also thinking of how Tegan's pussy might look like. Will it look the same? Or the same as mine? Or different than both of us? I bet it's beautiful, as beautiful as Emy's. I wonder if she'll find mine beautiful, what if she doesn't? I wonder if Emy finds it beautiful. "I love your pussy." I say, without much thought, obviously.
"Then fuck it, Tegan." Oh...is my girlfriend cheating on me emotionally the way I'm cheating on her emotionally? "Or do you want me to be Tegan? Show me how you'll fuck her then." And that's what pushes my sick mind and self to go in without any warning or patience and push inside my girlfriend, stretching her and squeezing a high-pitched scream out of her lungs.
Emy doesn't really shut up. She keeps feeding me words and making me pump in and out like a crazed person, I know I'm probably hurting her, but she's fucking loving it by asking for more. I honestly don't know what she's thinking and how everything is happening, all I know is that I'm fucking sick, and my girlfriend is a fucking weirdo and we're both fucked up and falling for my roommate who's also as sick and is a weirdo like us.
Emy and I find ourselves heated and flushed on her mattress, well, after she got me paracetamol and we both stopped crying. Me, because of my back. Her...well, maybe I shouldn't have listened to her when she asked for more. She keeps saying it's okay, but the way she's walking is not even funny, it's hurtful to the eye. And my back? Well it's another story, looks like I'm gonna have to be careful once again.
"We're so fucked up, Sara." She says through a sniffle and I look at her, watching tears fill up her eyes once again. "You hurt me." She whispers, and I know what she means by that.
"I'm sorry." I say, turning my face away from her. "We're fucked up." I agree with her. "Do you like her?" I ask and feel her hand over my waist.
"Attracted to her." She answers. "But you like her." She says it casually. "And it hurts me." She admits it.
"But I love you."
"Which relieves me." She says.
I turn around again and look at her eyes. "I don't understand you." I admit again.
"I don't understand you either." She shrugs and I take a look at her breast when it wobbles. "One month ago you didn't dare stay naked with me after sex...or allow yourself to me that way, and now her name is on my tongue you're so exposed and not yourself...or maybe that's yourself." Another tears stains her cheek. "It hurts me." She repeats it. And it also hurts me so I start crying. "That threesome will be amazing." I don't get her. "When are we going to have it?"
"I don't know." I whisper.
"Have you talked to her about it?" I don't get her.
"No." I wipe my eyes. "Should I?"
"Well? I want it. I wanna have sex with her...and you...together." I don't get us.
"I want that too."
"Then talk to her about it." She purses her lips then sits up a bit. "Do you guys talk about sex?" I nod, because lies are not necessary.
"Did she give you advices?" She nods. "She gave me some too." She chuckles. "She caught me masturbating...coming actually." Something feels so natural when Tegan is involved, it's like she's a part of me and my tale and my narrative whenever I speak about her.
"Catch her coming too." Emy grins. I furrow my brows. She shrugs.
"Emy, are we girlfriends?" I'm starting to feel the disconnection. It gets stronger each time we connect.
"Ya?" She asks, doubtfully. "Do you think I'll be able to walk normally tomorrow?" She changes the subject and I get my answer. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is relief or a sting in my chest, but then she kisses my cheek and leans in. "I love you." I let her kiss me and taste her tears, and also...I suppose, a bit of myself on her lips. I don't know what that tastes like, but it's probably the foreign taste that's hit my taste buds.
"I love you too." I smile at her, she helps me up and hands me my clothes.
"Sarah's gonna be here soon. I should shower." She stretches, still undressed, which brings back the excitement in my body and makes me feel sick that I'm such a sexual human, cannot settle for just a tad without getting aroused. I wonder if Tegan's home, I wonder what she's doing.
Tegan again is on my mind, and she stays on my mind the entire time I dress myself, say goodbye to my girlfriend, and go down to my room. Tegan stays on my mind when I don't find her there and I just lie on my bed and think about everything my girlfriend has said. She says she loves me even though I know she means it in a different way, probably the way I mean it. And I can't even begin to explain to my bothered mind what I mean by that. Emy also told me to catch Tegan coming, I don't even know what that means but I feel like I should do exactly that. She offered masturbating in front of me and I didn't take the offer but now I actually do wanna see how her orgasm face looks like. Like my girlfriend's? Different? Like mine? Oh dear. I wonder if she screams, if she moans, if she can top me. I bet she can. I bet I'll let her.
But then Ms. Quin rushes in, face too red, hair is a mess, sweat coating her entire body. She looks defeated and she looks hot. I wonder if I'll ever stop getting turned on by everything she does. "Guess what?" I grin at her, a bit too excitedly. I notice she's looking at me up and down. Her big eyes and her puffed lips are in a state of immense wonder about whatever is going on in her mind. It always seems like battles are inside her mind, and only sex and her person inside my own. "I just had sex." I have no fucking idea why I'm saying this, but I just continue talking and she continues getting redder by the second. "It was really fucking good." I sigh and giggle, watching her eyes narrow and her jaw clench. She takes a hold of my chair and her knuckles go white. I look back at her and at her damp bangs and I begin to tease, "Did you have sex, Tegan?" She doesn't answer me, she just stares at me. "You look really tensed up. Help yourself." I don't know where my words are coming from, but they're coming from my inner person, the Sara that only shines in bed, the Sara that's been shining gloriously more and more around this woman.
I notice that Tegan is caving in, I also notice that her hand is already on her crotch. "You do it too." She says with a shaky voice and I smile at her. It's gonna happen, and I'm gonna see her doing it in front of me.
I shake my head and tsk at her, as teasingly as possible. It's my turn now to turn the tables and have her under my mercy. "I've already done it, it's your turn now." I say confidently. I remember my girlfriend's words and I remember my self-made promise. No touching, no cheating. And Emy seems to think the same. Her hand is already inside her pants and her light pink underwear. It's the first time she's worn this colour, I really wish to see her in it, but this sexual woman seems way more shy than what she likes to show. "Show me your orgasm face." I look up at her again and then back at the shape of her hand inside her pants.
Then her hand starts moving and her lips start quivering. Her eyes are closed and I am slowly drowning in my own fantasies. I'm still wet from before, but each time she hisses and gasps and each time she bites her lip, I lose it more and stain not only my underwear but most probably the fabric of my jeans as well. The ache begins to increase where it has just been relieved. I squeeze my legs together and cup my breast, rubbing the softness of my flesh and calming the ache in my nipple. She opens her eyes and looks at me. I am losing my mind each second, and I bet she can see it, but I won't go there, I won't cave in, I won't join her. It's her time now. Maybe later, some other time, but not now.
She cups her own breast and smiles at me, I smile in return and we laugh, or moan, I'm not sure, but she releases that same sound that makes me lose it each time. Then I see it and feel it. I see it through the concealing fabric that Tegan has begun to finger herself, and from this movement, I can tell she's exaggerating the action and doing it harder than she usually does it in order to make me a witness of it. She wants me to lose it, but the only satisfaction she gets is me squeezing my breast in order to control my need. "My pussy loves you." Then she starts saying things friends shouldn't say to one another. I mean it's not touching, but still, it makes me so nervous that I giggle like an idiot. "It's so fucking wet and it keeps getting wetter. Ugh." She moans after her last sentence and I can't help but laugh because she's getting herself there by talking dirtily to me.
"When is it gonna come?" I decide to ask because I am curious. For me, I don't really come quickly, that's why Emy was so shocked and a bit hurt when I did. She thinks it's because of her I don't, and once she mentioned Tegan I did. The truth is, it's because it's something new, something I've never experienced. The fact that I saw my reflection being fucked made everything toss and turn inside my system and pushed me to the edge sooner than ever.
"Help me come, please." She wants me to join her dirty talk, but I won't join her. I don't really know how to dirty talk unless I'm doing the fucking.
"You don't need my help from what I can see." I swallow hard because I'm the one who actually needs help but I won't allow it to show. She opens her eyes and a tear slides down her lid. I'm not sure if it's because of the intensity of the moment or some dark thought that's dancing there in her mind. I shake the thought away when her sounds start to rise and her hips start humping the air. By that I know she's coming. I look at her face to see what mask I'm going to find and I only find something so beautiful, an art piece, a calm sea, a beautiful, beautiful face in front of me. Eyes closed, lips apart and rounded, sweat running down both temples, and skin glistening with lust and need. Then she falls down and rests on the floor. It makes me giggle and I stand up. I walk towards her and stand above her, my feet are on both sides of her stomach. I look down and I notice that her hand is still inside her pink undies, I also can see bits of an unshaven mound greeting me. I look up at her again and I say, "Good girl. Now we're even." I giggle while she looks at me, thunderstruck and dazed. "No touching..."
"No cheating." She finishes my sentence and I nod, smiling at her and crying inside as I realize what have happened, what I'm feeling, what I'm doing, and who I'm doing it with. Is it true? That no touching means no cheating? I don't know, but I just can't stop it nor help it. And after the features I've seen, the voices I've heard, the beauty I'm standing above, I don't think I'm going to quit wanting it to happen again and again, and everything in me is encouraging me to join it and be a part of it. Everything in me is pushing me to leave my body and leave Sara to be the person my fantasies have always showed me I could be. Perhaps when you think of something too much your damn mind manifests it and it becomes so true and alive in front of you.
I can also notice Tegan's mental struggle. It's evident from her facial expression and her awful silence after everything had calmed down. We only quarreled about who's going to shower first. Since she was on the floor and I was standing, I hurried to the bathroom and locked the door. I didn't take too long, though, because I already showered this morning. I just needed to freshen up and try to tame my renewed arousal. I left and Tegan was in her undergarment and on her bed. Her head was in her hands, which made me worry and feel bad. I told her to go and she nodded, remaining as silent as she could be.
While she's in the shower I decided to video chat my mother. But Tegan didn't even take long at all. She came out after the usual questions about my day and her day and about how my grades are and how my cat is doing and how are Joy and dad are doing. I also asked her about my back and that's when Tegan got out.
"But mum, I really don't want to deal with cortisone again." I whine, taking a look at silent Tegan. I see she has gotten her notebook out and is doing her homework.
"I didn't say you have to. I said you should be careful or you'll have to do that again. Sara, the last time we lost hope in you walking again. Please be careful." My mum is exaggerating once again. I roll my eyes at her and she laughs.
"I didn't even lift anything too heavy or slip. I just cleaned, that's all." I shrug, looking again at Tegan who's looking at me. As soon as our eyes meet, she looks at her notebook again. Did I do something wrong?
"Well, be careful next time. Like I said, a heating pad or even an ice bag, a bit of pain medication and you'll be good. If anything felt weird you go to the doctor, okay?"
"Okay." I sigh, taking another look. She's not looking at me. Seriously, what did I do?
"Who do you keep lookin' at?" I look again at my mother, squinting her tiny eyes at me.
"Just Tegan." I say, already blushing when I look at Tegan looking at me, facing me.
"Oh. She's here? I wanna say hi. Get her here." I silently cringe at my mother's cheery tone. My heart starts drumming when I finally see the obvious smirk on my roommate's face. I motion for her to come say hi to my mum and she stands up right away, walking to my bed.
Before she could sit next to me, her attitude changes, her face reddens, and her body language becomes more hesitant. "Come say hi to my mum. Don't be shy. She likes people with bad hair." I try to tease, to get her closer, but I think it angers her more, she glowers at me and pushes my body, sitting next to me. "Mum, this is rude Tegan. Tegan this is my mother." I introduce, looking at both of them staring at each other as if they've seen a ghost. "Okay, her hair is not that bad."
Tegan looks at me then looks at her. My mum does the same. She looks at both of us, silent. My mum has never been silent. I don't know what's going on. "Hello, Tegan." I sigh loudly in relief when my mother finally speaks. "You're a beautiful lady. I didn't think that."
"I should blame Sara, I guess." And Tegan finally shows off her gummy smile. I let out another relieved sigh, which makes my mother giggle. "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Smith."
"It's Jessica. Only Jessica." My mother instructs. Tegan nods. "Tegan?"
"Quin." My roommate answers. My mother hums. What is going on?
"Nice to meet too, dear." My mother gives a genuine smile. "My daughter talks a lot about you. It actually worries me. Is she being rude to you?"
"Mum!" I shout. "What the fuck? I don't do that."
"Yes, she's really rude. She keeps making fun of my hair." Tegan touches her precious bangs and sticks her tongue out at me. I mouth a cuss word that my mother tsks at.
"Don't be rude, Sara." My mother instructs again. "And you, dear. Watch her, let her do her homework and study. She said you're smart and have an ambition. Teach her how to have one. All she wants to do is be a housewife, clean, have a child, and do nothing." Again with the stupid discussion.
"A housewife does things. You're a housewife, you should know." I scold, not caring about the stranger we forced into the conversation.
"Exactly! I do know. That's not a way to live your life. You study, get a degree, and know how to have a life full of independence. You don't know what happens in the future." I look at Tegan who is nodding slightly. I think it's just an act to show respect, even though I know she thinks the same. She's probably mocking my idea of wanting to be a housewife and nothing else. "You might need that degree to find a job when you need it, isn't that right, Tegan?" My mother asks, the way she did with Emy, the way she does around Rob, the way she does around everybody.
"I agree." Of course you do bitch-face.
"That's good. She's some good influence. Be around her." She said the same to Emy, Rob, the grocery dude she once ranted her dilemma to, the freaking doctor who gave her a physical last year, the woman at the bras section like three years ago, probably to the entire population of Canada. The older she gets the whinier she becomes. I feel so bad for Joy, having to grow up with old grumpy parents. "Alright, your sister wants to say hi. Luci as well."
"Oh yes, let me talk to them." I cheer up immediately when she reminds me of my cat and my sister. She leaves and a second later my sister and my cat in her lap take the seat my mother was sitting at. "Hiiii."
"Holy cow, who's that? She looks a lot like you. Do we have a cousin we don't know about?" My ten year old sister jumps in all of a sudden, the cat agrees, meowing along my sister's loud and youthful voice.
Tegan and I both look at each other with wide eyes then back at them. Her blue eyes are wide as well, staring at us. Then I look back at Tegan. "Okay, this is my sister Joy. And this is Lucifer."
"I hate cats." Tegan says, all of a sudden, and loudly. My sister covers my cat's ears and I gasp. "I'm scared of them. This cat is scary." I don't think Tegan is actually joking, she's an inch farther than before, and she's staring at my black cat as if it's some devil. "I can't even believe you named your cat the same name as the one in Cinderella." She says, still looking at the cat, who kind of seems to understand Tegan's distaste with him.
"Lucifer is the name of Satan. That's why Sara named him that." My sister says, with an attitude and a glare.
"Oh my god, that's even worse. Like you know cats are devils and want to eat us all and rule this world."
"What kind of lesbian are you? Hating cats? You're a weirdo." I say. "Plus, pussy doesn't eat you. You eat pussy."
"Sara, watch your damn mouth." My mother shouts from the background and I jump. Is this bitch spying on the chat?
"She eats cats?" Joy gasps, covering Lucifer's ears again.
"Your sister is here." Tegan says, looking at my sister, who has no clue what's going on, then back at me. The cat meows and my roommate jumps. My sister laughs.
"I take that back. We are so not related. She can't be a cousin." My sister doesn't know yet that I am adopted. My mother said we'll tell her as soon as she hits puberty...something about understanding it more. I think she has the family brains to understand whatever she wants, unlike me, not being able to understand that my parents are not my real parents until I was about thirteen.
"Sara, are you adopted?" And then there's Tegan, who understood it by a simple chat with my mother and sister that didn't last too long. She asks as soon as we finish talking to my sister.
"No?" I'm too good at denying it and making it seem so absurd that someone has asked. "Why the fuck do you think that?"
"You don't look like them." She shrugs.
"Just because they have blonde hair and blue eyes and I don't doesn't mean I'm adopted. I have a side with brown hair and brown eyes and one with blonde hair and blue eyes. As simple as that. I caught the ugly genes."
"Actually, you caught the hot and pretty genes. Your mum's a babe. Your sister is cute. You, on the other hand, you are a beauty." I pause for a second, looking at my roommate straight in the eyes, waiting for the mockery that was destined to follow this sentence. She leaves my bed and walks to her own. She lies down and sighs. Then I realize she actually means it. She means that I am beautiful, and oh God, I think it shatters all my solid pieces of will power and melts them. Am I falling? Please do not let me fall because of a stupid compliment. Bad girls do that, they compliment you to get inside your pants. "I think we should sleep. That was a long day." She whispers, yawning. I nod and switch off the lights, I watch her return her notebook in her backpack and then go to her bed.
"Tegan, you're beautiful too." I say, she turns to look at me and smiles.
"I know that." Fucking egocentric bitch-face. "Come sleep next to me?" I see her pout through the dimmed red light. I cannot, under any circumstances, resist the curling of these lips and the puffiness of them, asking me to do what her words ordered. I just move quickly and join her in her bed.
I don't know why but we both giggle as we get inside the blanket, covering our heads and getting as close to each other as we can. "Your feet are cold."
"It's getting cold." She says. "Though I'm really hot." She yawns, her minty breath hits my face but I don't distance us. "Going to take my t-shirt off, okay?"
"Okay." She sits up, and with one movement gets herself rid of the green material. "I'm gonna take my bra off...don't look." I say, hesitantly. I sit up as well, and she looks. I wait for her to turn her face and she keeps on looking.
"Take it from under your tanktop." She shrugs. I sigh and roll my eyes, pulling at the first strap and then the second. I unhook it from the back and it falls down on my lap. Tegan takes it before I could and I roll my eyes again, resting beside her again. "I miss not wearing bras while asleep."
"What's stopping you?" I take my bra away from her playing hands and throw it on my bed.
"My piercing would be a bitch to me, I'd injure myself in my sleep." I hum and we return to our past positions again. I'm glad her attitude is back to the Tegan attitude. Her silence kind of scared me. What if I have crossed the line? But that's Tegan anyway, she crosses all lines because that's how she is. "So tell me, how was the sex?"
"None of your business." I say slowly, making sure every breath that escapes my lips hits her face.
"Okay, fair enough. Emy and you are none of my business." I know she is mocking me. "Another question, did you touch yourself while you were in the shower?"
"No." She only asks and knows, I never ask and know nothing.
"Liar."
"Not." I say loudly. She snorts. "I'm not lying." I say with a regular tone.
"Okay." She hums melodically, in a way that suggest thinking. "So what's up with your back?"
"I told you, I fell in the shower. It was fucked up." Her feet keep hitting mine and it's irritating me. I steady her swaying by putting one foot forcibly on her ankles.
"But you said something about cortisone and your mum said something about you not walking. It must have been serious."
"Ya. Kinda was. I had to take all these cortisone injections to get rid of the inflammation, and I couldn't walk for a while, I had to use a wheel chair. Physical therapy helped me the most, though."
"Wow." She says after some silence. "That's like major shitty." I giggle at her reaction. "Like did you break your spine? Was it a disc? What the fuck were you doing in the shower?" I open my mouth to answer. "Wait, were you masturbating?" Her tone changes into a cunning one and I hit her arm, she takes the opportunity to knee my knee, but instead she ends up kneeing my crotch because of my sudden move to push her off, which ends up in her thigh between my legs.
Against my will, I let out a moan and squeeze her thigh between my two legs. The pressure she's sending to my clit is too good to let go. "Stay right there. Don't move." I whisper, my voice serious and coarse.
"Okay." She says the same thing, and I'm pretty sure she can feel the warmth of my crotch against her naked thigh.
"No I wasn't. I honestly still don't know what had happened. I'm just a clumsy bitch. I was washing my body and I slipped, then I fell and hit my back. It was all okay and I just felt a little pain. The next day it increased, and it kept increasing till I couldn't walk anymore. I don't even get what happened, honestly, but it's like a disc, like my joints and muscles all were infected and affecting my tendons and all." Her thigh isn't moving, the pressure is so great that I'm afraid I might actually come, and if so, then it means we've touched and I cheated. "Okay," I say right away, before she can ask me another question. "You know stuff about me but I don't know anything about you." She laughs.
"What do you wanna know?"
"How old were you when you had sex for the first time?" Is this really the most thing that's concerning me? Really Sara? I mean, yes, I want to know, but I also wanna know other things such as her plans for future, how's her mother like, whether she likes me or not...no...don't go there stupid mind. I'll just settle on the first question.
"Thirteen."
"Thirteen?" I say with a loud, exaggerated gasp. She pushes her thigh and I subconsciously hump it. "No, don't." I slap her arm and she snorts. "But dude, what the fuck? Thirteen? I barely knew about sex at thirteen."
"It wasn't really my choice." Her accompanying chuckle eases out of her lips with a hint of remorse.
"If you don't want to talk about it, let's not." My head goes to the darkest corners. To the darkest possibilities, my heart begins to thunder inside of me.
"No, it's not like that." She pushes her head closer to me. "I was just too young to realize what I was doing, that's what I meant." I'm not following her. "I used to spend so much time in this girl's house. She was my friend. She was twelve. I didn't even think about my sexuality back then or anything. I knew what sex is and all of that, but I never experienced it. I never even touched myself before that time." I hum, ushering for her to continue. "So she has an older sister and I was so fucking fascinated by that sister. She used to be so cool, and hears cool music, and wears cool stuff, and had cool hair. She was my role model in some way, you get it?"
"Ya." Her face is ringing against my chest. I don't know why she took shelter hiding in my bosom, but I believe she doesn't want to face me, or herself. I've studied about that, I know what that is. I know that she's trying to avoid her reality, she's trying to regain the thoughts from the unconscious, and right now I am playing her analyst's part. I don't know what it makes of me, a good friend, or someone who she cares about?
"So in the party she had all these guys and girls and there was drinking. Her parents weren't around. Sara and I were there as well."
"Your friend's name was Sara?" I try to get her to look at me, but I fail. Is she actually scared to look at me? I don't get what's happening to her.
"Yes. Just like you." A nervous giggle accompanies, high in pitch and loud. "Anyway," She sighs, I feel her breath against my chest. I move my hands and start rubbing her back, she giggles again and I feel like I'm being introduced to somebody else that I never thought I'd ever meet. Is this my Tegan? "So they were all playing drunk truth and dare and one of these dudes was like..."
"Please don't tell me you slept with one of them in some closet, without protection, and it was taped." I'm dreading the worst judging by her actions.
She laughs, shaking her head and hitting my breast with it, which hurts, but I do not say anything about it. "He was like let's include Tegan and Sara in the dare and embarrass the shit out of them." I sigh furiously. "So Chelsea was like okay. She was drunk too. I don't think she'd have done any of that if she was sober."
"Chelsea's your girl crush?"
"Oh, ya." I feel her lips on my neck, pressed there. We're touching, we're super close, but I can't let go, because I know it's not sexual, I know it's something stronger. It's that same bond I feel, I feel it all the time, it's connecting us. "They dared me to strip and I was like no first. But in order not to be called a loser, I stripped to my undergarments. They did the same with Sara."
"Oh my god, that's sick."
"They're really sick. Like that bitch dared us to have sex with each other, in front of them, all of them. And we did. Dude, it was her sister, she was not even thirteen, she's a child."
"These things actually happen?" I ask, because I thought such things are only made in films.
"They do." She sighs. "I just don't like to remember it because it makes me feel really sick. Like we were children, she was seventeen, she was getting turned on by her own sister and her sister's friend fingering each other in front of bunch of people."
"I'm sorry." I whisper...I also kiss her head...I did it again, I kissed a part of her, her head.
"It wasn't even fun. I didn't enjoy it. It kind of hurt, and I wanted to cry. We both cried in her room after it. Our friendship ended that day." Why the fuck did I ask? Clearly, she's traumatized by it. It's a bad childhood memory. I shouldn't have asked. "The thing is, Sara, that's not why it was so bad to me. Mostly, it's because it ruined my image of sex. First, I was being felt up by my step father at nine. It kind of ruined everything for me, then this thing happened. I was just super confused and upset all the time."
I think if I spoke up I'd say something I shouldn't say. She's freeing her mind on my body so quickly and casually while shaking and hiding from reality. I'm her shelter as well as the darkness of the room. I don't think she'll like remembering opening up in the morning. "Your step father..."
"I don't like to talk about that." She shuts me up. I expected it. "Ya. He used to feel me up when I was nine. I told mum. They got a divorce. End of story." She's still repressing everything. And I feel guilty for accusing her the other day. I feel guilty calling her a filthy man who does these things. Her actions are now beginning to be justified in front of me. Her childhood issues are on a silver plate in front of my eyes.
"We don't have to talk about it." I give her another kiss there. I don't want her to think I'm a judgmental person. I want her to know I'm a good friend. I care about her, she can trust me. Despite all the teasing, all the conflicts between us, all the tension, all the confusion that I feel, Tegan is still a human with feelings, it seems that I've forgotten that. It's so dangerous how a simple display of emotions got us even closer, and is making me fall more and more.
"Thank you." She pinches my arm, playfully. "You won't tell anyone. You won't mention it in the morning. You'll treat me the way you treat me. I'm just the same shitty, fucked up, always aroused Tegan with really hot boobs, okay?" I can't help not to giggle. I'm not only falling, I'm dying.
"Don't flatter yourself." I say, as if the previous minutes didn't happen.
"I have every right to, babe." She does the same. "By the way, you have majestic boobs, I'm like so comfortable right now. What a soft pillow. Never wear a bra again." She kisses my upper chest and I push her off quickly, making her fall on her pillow with loud laughter and snorting.
"You fucking pig." It's so easy to remember why she's so annoying. She perfects her part so well.
"Did you know you're like super wet?" I feel the heat climb up to my system. "Like my thigh is soaked, I wanna taste it." My anger is taking the best of me.
"I swear to god, Tegan." She knows how to get me angry. She can control my entire mood. She can do anything she wants and I'm a follower. Her words take me and return me. They dismantle me then construct me. They send me to hell then back to heaven. They simply control me.
"What? I'm just saying. Like we've already established that you're always wet, I'm always wet, we wanna fuck each other, but you love Emy." And here we are again, same old topic, the never ending conflict. "Next time we're both fucking ourselves together." She reads my thoughts before my mind even processes them, and I cannot wait for the next time.
"Okay." I bet she's grinning like the wicked piece of shit she is. "Let's sleep now, though. My back hurts." She's back closer to me. "Get your thigh back where it was so I can sleep." And my octave changes, my tone alters, she understands, she pushes her thigh where I want it the most. The throbbing eases, the pressure gives me satisfaction, I calm down and she does as well.