Tegan
I don't know why everybody is looking at me this way. I look at my left, at my right, and I see smirks, I hear whispers. Emy looks at me and Sara doesn't notice. I shrug at her and continue walking. I'm hungry and it's finally time for a little break. Sara joined Emy and I because she didn't have a class.
We find a table and we sit. Emy and Sara sit opposite to me. Sara takes a sip of her coffee and I focus on what's around me. Emy kicks my ankle and at first I think it's by mistake, until she kicks it again and gives me a strange look with her eyes. I squint mine in return, so she motions toward our left. I take a look and see both women I caused to fight over me looking at me dirtily. Then it hits me why everything looks like another scene of Mean Girls. I chuckle, rolling my eyes at them and start eating my sandwhich.
Sara looks at both Emy and I. I think she's comprehending what's going on. We don't make any visible expression to her. Emy chews with an open mouth irritatingly in order to distract her, then she smiles like an idiot showing her full teeth with bread on them. Sara pushes her lightly with a frustrated, girly "Ugh," and then Sara takes a bite of her chocolate chip cookie.
Whenever our eyes meet, she pauses and looks at me with scanning orbs for a few seconds, then she breaks the gaze and gets distracted by her food. Whatever happened last night is now forgotten, well at least to her.
I woke up alone. She was on her bed. Maybe I bothered her with sleeping. Maybe she felt whatever had happened was wrong. I'm glad she didn't mention it, though. Because when I woke up I remembered how much I had revealed to her. I never do that, if I do it, I instantly regret it. And I do regret it right now. She's not treating me any differently, but this part of me can't help but believe she sees me with a different eye right now. I don't want her to be careful with me. I don't want her to be soft. I like her the way she is. I know Sara's soft and tender, nice and sweet, but with me she's Sara, the real indifferent Sara, whom I really like spending time with.
I also really like how quickly things are moving. I don't think I have ever touched myself in front of any human being, except that time my mother caught me, but other than that, it never happened. I was so weak in front of her, I couldn't resist the temptation her eyes and her smile sent. But her turn will happen soon, she already can't resist me. I know she can't. It just needs a little time and I'll get in her pants. I'll fuck her so good and so hard, she'll love it. I have to buy a sex toy first, though. I have to get a strap on so I can use it on her. I like to think I'll be the first to do that since Emy revealed Sara didn't let her go there. But I'm not entirely sure she'll allow me to go there as well. But I'm Tegan, I know how to get her and where to get her. She'll melt like a fine piece of chocolate between my hands.
"You realize you're smiling like an idiot to yourself?" I look up, feeling the huge grin I didn't notice I had slowly disappear. I look at my friends and they're both staring at me. Sara giggles and says again, "Wow, and I thought I got so distracted. I wonder what's inside there." She points at my head as I shrug, sending a wink her way. Then I look at Emy, who's looking at her right. I look and I see the rocket coming towards us in full speed.
Shit.
"Emy, good thing you're here with these two," Sarah says with the most bitter, most fake, most disturbing smile I've ever seen. We all look at Ms. Witch, waiting for her to speak. "I just want to let you know that Sara is cheating on you with her." And she points at me, which makes me shake with loud laughter at the absurdity.
"And who told you that?" Emy asks, confidently and comfortably. But Sara Smith, damn, she's in different shapes of yellow, pink, and fear. I kick her feet under the table and she snaps out of her thoughts. I give her a very subtle look but she turns her head away and throws daggers from her eyes at the standing woman.
"Everybody knows it here. Also, Tegan gave both Lindsey and Theresa herpes when she slept with them. I just think you should watch out." I laugh again, almost choking on my water. Sara's eyes go wide and Emy looks at her roommate with a look that says: bitch, you're dumb.
"Okay, Sarah, thanks for warning me." She rolls her eyes with a chuckle and faces me again. I'm still laughing after Sarah leaves and Emy joins me. But Sara is just staring at both of us with her hands wrapped around her chest.
"I might be a bit dense, but don't think that I haven't noticed what's going on." She scowls at me as she speaks with her bitchy tone. "What's going on?" God, she has the same look my mother has when angry with me. I cannot fight this look, it's like a disease, it circles me until I cave in.
"I kind of fucked both Lindsey then Theresa and made them fight over me." I shrug. But then I look at Emy biting her lower lip with her eyes wide open, obviously begging me not tell, but too fucking late, I think I just...
"What?" Sara yells. "You slept with both? When? God, you're impossible." Everybody around us hears her, everybody's looking at me. I don't know why she's yelling, why did her voice break when she said these words? I sit back and sigh, my reputation is already screwed at this university, great.
"I can sleep with whoever I want to. I only fucked them, I didn't let them fuck me. I just wanted them to fight because I don't like the way they treat you and what that bitch did to you." I say in defense. Emy slaps her forehead and Sara instantly looks at her, with eyes burning and freezing, all at the same time. Emy looks down and Sara shakes her head. I see her tears collecting around her lids and she stands up. So much drama is happening and everybody's looking. Why is my life such a chick flick?
"I told you not to tell. Fuck you," Emy says and follows Sara. What did I do?
I follow them because I feel like I should do that. I'm a bit late so I search everywhere and they're not around, but thank God I have a brain that thinks properly, I rush to my room and they're in there. Sara's mascara is making her look like a raccoon because of all the tears. Is that too mean? She looks like a cute raccoon, I'd suck her face...but that would probably not taste good.
"I'm so sorry, I'm telling you I'm sorry. It just happened in front of her, they were insulting you in front of her and she asked. Ask her." Then they both look at me and it doesn't exactly feel that great because these are not the sweetest looks I've gotten. "Isn't that right? I didn't mean to belittle her, tell her. She thinks I told you to make fun of her."
"You sure do trust your girlfriend," I say with a chuckle. Emy shakes her head at me and starts crying just like that, out of the blue.
I hate relationships. I hate tears. I hate drama, and what I'm seeing right now is childish drama. I've had enough with my mother, I left thinking I'll live my life with ease from now on now that I left her, but I was wrong, lesbian drama is ten times worse than my mother's drama.
"She's right, you don't even trust me," Emy says. I sit on my bed and watch the soap opera.
"I do," Sara shouts. "I let you touch my body and see it." I chortle until I'm glared at. Maybe this is a sitcom. "I just don't want people to know I'm lame, I don't want her to know I'm lame."
"I'm sorry. I'll just go." Emy rushes to the door. Well this is weird. These two are absolutely weird.
I follow Emy and pull her hand outside of the room. "What do you want? Let me go." She pushes me off and I sigh. How do I do this?
Okay, Tegan, think like Sonia, act like Sonia, what would Sonia do in such a situation? "Shhh, calm down. Stop crying. You don't want people to see you crying. They'll think the rumors are true."
"What do I care? She's probably in love with you." I wonder if Emy knows about all the mystery between Sara and I. I don't even know what's going on between us, but something is definitely going on.
"No. She's not. Don't be silly. She's a bitch to me." She's not, but I have to lie. "Look, I'm sorry. I forgot. She just got me angry." I think I'm good, I think that's how Sonia would want me to do it.
"Our relationship is fucked up. It's just is," she mumbles and walks away like a sand storm. I honestly do feel terrible. It is all my fault, isn't it? I caused the lesbian drama. I shouldn't have interfered. Who am I to do that?
But I couldn't. I hated the way they insulted her. I hated how silent Emy was about it. I couldn't do that, she's my roommate and I like her. I mean, she's Sara!
I find Sara on her bed, weeping her exhausted lungs out and staining her pillow with her dark eyes. She's on her side so she's looking at me. "I'm sorry," I whisper but she doesn't respond. I don't understand why she feels so bad about me knowing. "I'm really sorry," I say louder while walking to her. "Sara," I climb up the bed and sit beside her thighs. "don't feel bad. You're not lame. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin, I wish I am. I wish I had a special first time." I swallow my saliva, as if I wanted to swallow the words I just released. Around her everything seems easier to let it out of my chest, but here comes the regret.
"Everything is messed up," she says. "What we're doing is so wrong yet I can't help it. And I really don't like you pitying me. Why did you fuck them?"
"I couldn't really bear hearing them so bitchy to you. I had to do something."
"You should turn the other cheek, don't you know that?"
"No. I never do that. I fight back."
"But did that get you anywhere?" She rests on her back and wipes her tears.
"No, but at least I tried." I shrug and look at her face, her small eyes, her plump lips, her adorable nose, her jaw, her skin, and then my eyes descend down and I look at her grey top, I look at her breasts, then at her tummy, and then down at her white pants until I reach her socked feet.
I feel like I belong to her body, I've never felt this way. Girls attract me, just not this way. The sensation is unique, new...delicate. I want to enfold her and lay my head above her soft chest. She's delicate and warm.
"Why do you look at me like that?" she asks, wiping more tears.
"Like what?"
"Like I scare you."
"You mean like you turn me on," I correct her, smiling at her with a drumming chest.
"No." She shakes her head. "Like I scare you." Fucking Psychology people. Yes, she scares me because I want her. Yet, I can't have her. And I'm also scared that I want too much of her, knowing I can't give too much to her. "When did you fuck them?" She changes the topic and I look at her once again instead of looking at our hands intertwined without much realization.
"Yesterday," I whisper.
"Oh." A soft chuckle escapes her soft lips. "Now I understand why Emy insisted we spend time in her room. It was all a plan?" she asks, but then she continues, "Stupid plan." She huffs.
"Ya," I agree. "Stupid plan." I huff as well, more irritatingly.
...
I'm starting to think Emy is falling for me. I'm also starting to think I'm sliding down the same road when it comes to Sara. I try not to think about it too much.
I wanted to make Emy feel better so I took her with me to the cafe' while I worked. She didn't say much as last time but she kept looking at me. She also told me that Sara and I look a lot alike and it confuses her at times. She said she wouldn't mind having us both sleeping with her. My eyes went wide and then she said she's just joking. She told me that Sara's rough in bed when she's not making love. I guffawed but it didn't seem like it's something to laugh at. She said she and Sara needed a change, something to spark up their relationship.
Then Emy started asking me questions about where I'm from, what's it like in Calgary, and what did I want to do after college. I answered all of them and she smiled at whatever I said. It's that smile any girl infatuated with me would smile. Then she asked me whether I wanted to have a family in the future, get married, or just be like that. I asked what did she mean by like that and she answered, "Break hearts and move on." I squinted my eyes at her and I said to her that sure I did want all of that but I didn't think these things will happen to me. When she asked me why, I didn't have a clear answer. I didn't want to tell her that I didn't think anybody would love me. I don't want people to know I have a side that's less confident than what I project. Except Sara, I think it's too late by now. I've already cried and felt bad about myself in front of her. I just answered Emy that I felt like I'm too pragmatic to fit in the marriage and family institution.
Emy also told me about how she wished she and Sara would end up getting married after college and having a family. She told me that they already made plans that Sara would carry. And if they had a second child, then Emy would be the one carrying. Selfishly, I didn't like the idea. I felt like it's too far-fetched. I told Emy she's being too silly. Emy seemed as if she had already noticed it. She told me that with the way they're going, all these dreams seemed so far away. Selfishly again, I rejoiced in hushed silence inside my brain.
Something within me doesn't want to see the family they'll form. If I see it I'll die of jealousy. I know I will. I want Sara to free float like myself. Emy can go have whoever she wants to have and form a foundation full of lies and deceit with them. As for Sara, she's better off alone, free floating with me.
...
A mellow, dulcet tone rings in my ears as I open my door and enter my room. Sara's on her bed, guitar in hand and lyrics flowing out of her heart. She doesn't stop when she sees me staring. Her voice is sweet and mellifluous, making me smile instantly. I walk over to her bed and she smiles at me. She's not shy about sharing the tune or the intriguing words I'm hearing.
"I would go to jail with only boys
Just to prove I was as tough as you
And when I get out for good behavior
I'll be writing love songs
Silly banging knee songs."
I place her Espresso Macchiato on her bedside table and place the cupcake next to it. Then I sit back again, next to her, and she keeps staring at me.
"I'm a car crash
But I have to get up
And every morning it's a cleanup
All I need is time, time to love you."
Sara sings and I chew the piece of cake. I sway my head without much awareness, which makes her giggle half way through the song. I smile again, I admit, a bit coyly. She stops the song and takes a fine gulp of her coffee.
"You wrote this?" I ask as we share what I brought like each day.
"Yup," she says proudly.
"Even the words?"
"Yes." She giggles after responding to my bewilderment.
"You're fucking good. Wow." I touch the guitar her girlfriend got her for her birthday. "Is it about Emy?"
"No," she responds quickly. I look at her and nod. "It's not about anyone," she says again.
"How can you not write about anyone? It just seemed like it's about someone. The part of needing time to love whoever you were addressing seemed like it's about Emy. You know, kind of like you're not sure of wanting to love that person, but with time you know you'll love them. So you need time, because you're kind of scared to love them and with time this fear will go away. So it seemed about Emy."
"I already love Emy," she says. "I just write what I think. It doesn't have to be about anyone." I nod, toying with the strings of her guitar, making an awful sound with my inexperienced digits. "Did you like it?"
"I did," I answer. "It's so beautiful."
"Thank you," she says, removing my hand away from her guitar. "Please stop this harmful noise you're making."
"Meanie." I sit closer to her and push her shoulder gently. But she winces and pushes my hand away. "How are you feeling?"
"My back hurts." I was asking about what happened today, but sure, I'll take that as an answer. "Will you make your hands useful and give me a small massage?" Yes, sure, totally, I love the change of the subject. "I'd ask Emy but we're not really talking." Good, great, fantastic.
"Okay. Lie down, on your tummy," I say as if I have no care about her request. But let's be honest, my sexual organs are all already too excited, as well as my hands.
Sara does as she's asked. I rub my hands together, smiling excitedly while placing my crotch above her butt. "Take your shoes off, and don't do something naughty."
"What do you mean by something naughty? I never do naughty things," I tease her while doing what she asked me to do. I return again where I was and she groans. "Where is the pain?"
"My lower back, right where you're sitting."
"Oh, sorry." I lift my self up and use my knees to sit up instead. "I was sitting on your bum by the way." My hands begin to caress her clothed back softly. The texture of her top is banning me from giving her a great feeling. "Is this good? I think your shirt should go."
"A bit lower, Tegan. It's my lower back. Oh yes, right there." She moans loudly when I hit the spot. It's actually a clearly swollen spot that's on the left side of her back, just above her bum.
I lift her top just a tad and focus on the spot, which makes her squirm and moan. I am clearly pressing on the pain and it's relieving her. "Is that where you fell? It seems swollen, kinda." The dimples in her back attract me to stare and look. The elastic of her blue undies is making itself clear from beneath her white pants.
"Yes, I hit the edge of the tub. It keeps going to my leg. The pain I mean, it keeps spreading to my thighs and legs." She sighs under my touch and I sigh as I keep looking at her milky skin and at the shape of her cute bum. It's so full and cute, I just want to squeeze it, or stare at it.
I lower her pants just a tad without her noticing and her underwear gets pulled down with it. I smile when I'm met with her butt crack and love handles. I lower a bit more till I'm kicked between my legs by her own leg.
She turns around quickly and pulls me by my polo shirt on top of her. In this glorious moment, I can't help but think this is it I've won, we're going to fuck till our pussies ache. But then I see the shark underneath me open her mouth and I yell, pushing her a tad roughly and sitting up again before she gets a chance to bite me.
I try to control my breathing and I hear her doing the same. I look at what's in front of me and I see Sara's bare mound right in front of my eyes. Well, only half of it, only the part I lowered of her pants. "Had anybody taught you the term of consent, Tegan?" she says while raising up her underwear, but keeping her pants low.
I don't answer her. I just stare at her as she stares at me. I don't know why I don't answer her. We only sit there for a while until she starts crying for no reason at all. "Why are you crying?" I sit up and look at her. "I'm sorry," I whisper.
"Keep massaging you idiot. And ask next time. You have a voice, use it," she says and I feel confused. She continues resting on her back and I feel even more confused. "Take my pants off and give me a body massage," she orders all of a sudden.
I'm faster than the wind, I do what she says and she adds more by taking her op off. We're moving to a new place, a new area of discovery. She's in her undergarment lying between my discovering hands and I am touching her silky flesh. She's soft, oh God, she's so soft and tender and delicate. Did I say delicate? Yes, I did.
I'm trying so hard not to objectify her, I'm trying to be the good person she thinks I am. I know she thinks I'm good, otherwise she wouldn't have trusted me in touching her this way. I know I have my flaws and I know I take it all out on myself and the girls I touch, but I'm trying my best because I want her to be satisfied with me. I don't know exactly why her opinion matters to me but it does. Maybe because she's much older than I am, but she doesn't really make me feel like she's older. We're equal when it comes to thoughts, actions, and words, I'd say, but all of me want to devote all that in me to her.
I have to say though, what I love mostly about her body is those stretch marks she hates so much. The pattern makes me hypnotized, it makes me want to kiss all the lines on her thighs, and whatever she's hiding inside the piece of fabric she's wearing.
"Your hands work magically," she says softly, all of sudden, pulling me out of my enchantment. She turns her head and looks at me with a smile. "It's turning me on, though." She bites her lower lip. Her eyes are swollen with redness and her cheeks are sticky with tears but she's so beautiful even with that.
"Pretty sure the pacific ocean is flowing in my underwear right now." I grin at her and she giggles. "You know what's really good with massages?" She shakes her head. "The vibrator I've got you." Before she could glare, I continue, "I swear. I used it before. I used to love it. Like it gives you a pussy massage and a great orgasm. Don't you want that?"
"You used mine?" She turns around to face me once again.
I snort at her reaction. "No. I meant I used it." This doesn't explain so I try again, "A woman used it on me when I was fifteen. It was the first toy I tried. It's still my favorite. I really love the dildo, but this one is just so fucking amazing."
She literally pokes my crotch with her finger and says, "You had the dildo in you?" She sneezes then continues, "Thought you're the fuck 'em all, don't let 'em fuck ya type of gal."
"No, that's you." She raises her eyebrows at me. "Try the wand, try it now. You don't have to be naked. Try it over your underwear. You're pretty wet." I only noticed she's wet when she turned around and faced me. Even though her legs are closed, I can still see the wetness her thighs are trying to cover.
"Go get it," she says lowly. "In my closet. In a yellow box, right next to my green blanket."
It's next to the dildo, but it's still in its own box. I also find lube in the box and a picture of myself when I was a baby...wait, what's this picture of myself when I was a baby doing in Sara's box? Holy shit, did she steal it? Where did she even get it from? I don't remember getting this picture with me. Maybe it was in my wallet. Does that mean Sara looked into my wallet? Oh no, it probably fell out of my pocket when I was playing stripper with Emy the other day. It's weird she keeps my picture, it's weird it's in her sex toys box.
Sara's so weird.
"You were looking at my sex toys, weren't you?" she asks me when I return. "I knew you'd do that." She doesn't mention the picture, therefore, I don't mention it. "Okay, that was not a smurf in there, it was a dildo."
"No shit." I roll my eyes at her and plug the toy I've gotten her. She sits up and takes it from my hand. I sit in front of her as she discovers how to use it. "It doesn't have speeds. Just turn it on or off. Put it on that wet spot." I motion with my head at her slightly parted legs.
"I don't come easily. I want you to strip to your underwear and do it in front of me as well." She turns it on, giggles, then turns it off.
She doesn't have to tell me twice. I was just waiting for her cue to get rid of my clothes. "You humped a stuffed bear and came, pretty sure you come easily. I can never come by humping only." She parts her legs in front of me. I have no idea where that confidence came from but she's surprising me with something new each day. I do the same and we both laugh at the bigger wet spot that's staining my black underwear.
"That was a four hours process."
She shrieks right after she puts the head of the wand above her clit. I snort with my loud laughter and she kicks me with her foot. I take a hold of it and let it lay above my thigh.
"And you wonder why your back hurts you?" I shake my head at her, but then I focus and I see that she's no longer listening to me. She's massaging her own breasts and her lips are parted, her eyes are closed, and her face is showing nothing but pure ecstasy.
We begin our secret intercourse, without it being an intercourse. We face each other, look at each other, and touch ourselves while smiling at each other. The toy seems like it's too rough on Sara's sensitive parts, she squirms and laughs and shrieks whenever she directs it right on her clit. Her underwear is so wet and so tight, it's giving me blurry picture of her pussy. My two fingers are already inside of my drenched and aching core after I have given my folds and clit the proper play they needed. I wish I can squeeze and touch my breasts the way Sara's doing to herself, but I can't because of the piercing. I only massage the flesh I own while I watch my roommate kneading and squeezing her lovely tits with everything within her. Whenever she jumps because of the vibration, she squeezes more. I wish I can kiss her neck as well. When she throws her head back and slightly humps the toy, something within me lights up and my pussy cries for more. I wish she'd eat me out with her luscious lips. I wish I can just hold her, or let her hold me and let her hand squeeze everything in me the way she's doing to her heavy breasts.
I don't know how it happened, but right now Sara's on her side with the toy squeezed between her legs, humping all that she can find from air or the toy itself. Her eyes are tightly shut and her hand holding mine, squeezing it as well. My other hand is in my drenched underwear, building me up as I stand in front of Sara's face. She hisses and screams and I do the same. She's riding the toy and I'm fucking myself. Sweat is coating our bodies and fatigue is drowning the both of us.
"When you come, look at me," I say breathlessly. "I'm gonna come. Please come with me." I squeeze her hands and she opens her eyes, they're begging me for something but I'm not sure what is it. I continue staring at her golden tired eyes and she stares at mine as well. She has abused her lower lip with all the biting and they're puffy but I can't kiss them because she doesn't allow me to do so.
"I'm..." She doesn't continue, she wheezes and pants, her lower half is swaying like a gentle calm wave while I know nothing is calm about the rush of pressure in that region.
I know how it feels. It approaches closer, especially when I notice her breasts squeezed for me to stare at, so lovely, so beautiful, so full, and so red with heat and excitement.
"Now," she shouts and I think she's coming.
I thrust my two digits so quickly I hurt myself on the way but I don't care about the pain because it generates wild joy to my core and makes me lose it, joining Sara and having the best orgasm I've had by my own self since ever.
She holds onto me when I lose my balance and fall next to her. I almost fell on her face but she held onto my sweaty armpits and adjusted me to land safely right next to her heaving chest.
I get a hold of the toy and shut it off. I also get a hold of her puffer and give it to her. It's like she's not even awake and it scares me. But then I realize she's just tired and exhausted. She helps her lungs and lies down next to me. She closes her eyes and falls into a peaceful sleep while I stay awake, thinking about how terrible we both smell and about what have just happened. I also think about wanting to touch her so badly but I respect all of her and tame all of me so I won't lay my hand on top of any part of her exposed or not exposed skin. So I just lie down next to her until I lose my consciousness to the unconsciousness of sleep.
And this is how it all starts between Sara and I. This is when our story starts taking a new route, starts swimming in a new stream, starts gliding down a new mountain peak, and starts entangling with things bigger than us. It all starts with admiration and infatuation, then we start touching ourselves in front of each other. We repeat this routine almost everyday, we do it whenever we're free, we do it whenever we can. I want to touch her badly but now I can admit that she has gotten me right where she wanted. She's making me do what she wants. I look at her body and she looks at mine and we come. Whenever I think of kissing her she pushes me off and tells me the golden rule that she has made up to believe her own lies: no touching, no cheating.
Speaking of cheating, she and Emy are so not on good terms but I am the link that mediates between the two. Yes they speak. They talk. They sit together but Sara told me that they haven't really had sex for the previous two weeks. I feel terrible because I can feel Emy's sadness encompassing me whenever I sit with her and listen to her. I think Emy's suspicious and wary of Sara and I's closeness.
Sara and I have gotten even closer. We started speaking a lot. I talked to her mother more and more and I'm helping her with her exams and studying for them as well. She's trying her best to do better that she actually finished studying for a test as well as revised all on her own without me pushing her to do so the other day. The result was her getting a good mark, not the best, but to her it's the best mark she's ever gotten. She showed it to her mum and we had a video chat party. After that we did our ritual and she allowed me to use the vibrator I've gotten her, as a reward for herself, not for me, because it turned her on to see me so shaky, sweaty, and weak...she said that.
I believe Sara has many fantasies about dominating me, or dominating anybody, but I want to believe it's only me. I'll make sure to tell her that if she will let us have sex I'll let her top me the way she wants to top me. I have to touch her and I need to do that.
...
"It's weird you're not disgusted of me anymore." I hand Sara the spoon and the ice cream container we're sharing. I actually brought two spoons, one for me and one for her. She ate from mine. When I asked her, she said she forgot, but she continued eating from mine.
"How many times do I have to tell you I was never disgusted in the first place?" she says. "Now I know you're a clean human being and I like getting closer to you."
"So why don't you ever touch me? Or let me touch you?" She hands me back the container.
She licks the remnants of the Peanut Butter Cup ice cream on her lower lip then says, "You know why." I take an angry bite of my ice cream and glare childishly at her. "You're cute when angry," she says.
"Not funny," I say.
"Tell me, Tegan," she says, "how come you don't want me to see your mother when you talk to her? I've seen Jeremy." I purse my lips together and shrug.
"I don't know. I never thought of it."
"Oh," she says. "I thought you just didn't want me to meet her."
"Nope," I say. "She's just too fixed on her new boyfriend lately, I haven't even gotten a chance to speak to her properly."
We don't say much anymore. We watch the show Sara is watching. It's boring, it's making me want to fall asleep. We finish all the ice cream and I lie down, with my head on her lap. I don't know why but she starts stroking my hair, I also don't know why but it makes me feel a tingling sensation inside my entire body, my chest specifically, then it descends to my lower abdomen, which cramps slowly then rests, it cramps again and rests. My heart starts beating and my stomach aches. It's a feeling I haven't ever gotten before. I lift my head and look up at her. She lowers hers and looks at me. She smiles and I smile back. She pokes my nose and cups my face.
"Don't you ever want to fall in love, Tegan?" she asks me. I swallow and keep looking at her because I'm too dazed, too enchanted, too tantalized to focus. "Don't you ever want to have a family? A kid? A cute little baby? They'll call you mommy and you'll buy things for them and spoil them?"
"You and Emy both asked me that question," I say.
"She did?" Sara asks. I nod. "Well?"
"Don't I have to fall in love with someone first? I don't know how that will happen, I feel like it won't. But if I did fall in love with someone, then sure, why not? Wanna know a secret?" She nods, still stroking my growing bangs. "I made a deal with Jeremy that he'll be my donor if I ever wanted to have a kid." I giggle after revealing that.
"I made the same deal with Rob," she says. "But I hope his girlfriend will allow it, she's a bitch." She sighs.
I toy with the hem of her hoodie and ask, "How did you come out to your parents?"
She looks down at me once again. "I've always known I'm gay," she says. "But the epiphany happened when I was fifteen. I was like that's it, I have to be gay, I'm probably gay."
"You've never kissed a guy?"
"I told you I haven't...well, Rob kissed me really quickly when we were nine, does that count?" I nod. "Well then, that's the only time," she says. "I'm the kind of person who cannot hold a secret too much in my heart. It's a bad thing, I know. So ya, I sat my parents down and had this whole dramatic speech, full of weird English words I've learned from books, and then I cried and sobbed. My sister was one year old or something and she was having the most fun, she was giggling and I was so angry that it was making my parents laugh, so I just threw the bomb, I was like, 'mum, dad, I'm gay. You either accept it or accept it'. And then I cried again."
"Wow."
"Ya." She sighs in content. "They were so shocked, so I kept crying. I mean it took them two days to recover from the shock and speak to me. They came into my room and my mum was all crying and shit. She hugged me and my dad was like the caring dad, he came bearing candy and chips as if I was five. Anyway, they gave me this whole speech about loving me no matter who I am and who I love and they always felt that I am special because I was their miracle, blah, blah, blah. You know, the same shit you see in chick flicks."
"What do you mean you're a miracle?" I ask about the point that attracted me the most.
"Oh..." Sara pauses. "My mother, she had troubles conceiving, like lots of them." She nods and I do too. "Umm, when she was pregnant with Joy she thought she hit menopause, actually. Turned out she's just knocked up. You have no idea how disgusted that made me feel when I found out." I giggle at her reaction. "So ya, then they had two miracles."
"Cute," I say. "I came out to my mum at fourteen, when I was sure I was into girls. I just told her that I'm gay while we were eating lunch outside. She kept staring at me waiting for me to say that I was kidding and when I didn't she was like, 'wow, really?' And I said, 'yes, really'. So ya, she told my dad and he didn't give a fuck."
"So it was easy for you."
"I guess I can say that."
I snake my hand underneath her hoodie till I meet the warm skin of her belly. I squeeze the folds which have gathered as she sat down and pat the soft skin. I lift my hand up till I'm met with the cups of her bra. She looks at me all of a sudden and I bite my lip. "Let us."
"No." She pushes my hand away from her and shifts in her seat. "You do it if you want."
"What about you? We do it together."
"I'm perioding, I shan't."
"You sh...what?" Peals of laughter ring in my ears, coming from me and her. I sit up and shake my head. "Your use of words makes me wonder whether you're from another planet at times. Perioding? Shan't? My person? Bitch-face? What more? Oh, oh, the other day you said some weird word, what was it?"
"Boobage?" I cackle as she says it again.
She said and I quote, "Keep your boobage off my face." I was trying to distract her from her video game, by stuffing my...boobage in her face. Video games are the only thing she's not distracted away from.
"Boobage isn't a weird word. My mother actually used it. She has small breasts, I have big ones. I took one of her dresses for a dance at high school once and it didn't fit me in the chest area. So she was like, 'How are we gonna cover his whole boobage issue?'" l'm laughing like a maniac while Sara's telling the story. It isn't even that funny, but the way she imitated her mother's voice and the facial expressions she has pulled all make me laugh and laugh.
"You wore a dress? And had to cover your boobage?" I laugh more, throwing my legs.
"Yup." She nods.
"I'm gonna touch myself," I announce. She nods again.
I push down my sweatpants but I'm not lucky enough to catch my underwear pulling its own self down with it, revealing the hair covering my mound to Sara's dilated eyes. I quickly pull my underwear back up and try not to look at her face again. My heart starts beating and I begin to sweat without knowing why. I'm too used to have her masturbating with me that I can't really relax and let myself undress or unfold in front of her scanning pupils.
"Do you ever shave down there?" And the question she asks strips off all the confidence that I once had. I swallow hard and change my mind about touching myself.
"I...I do, just...I..." I pull my pants up again, attempting to sit up and deal with the change of the mood that hit me all of a sudden far away from Sara.
"Where are you going?" With her palm she forces me to sit down. "Is it because of what I asked?" When I don't give her an answer she continues, "I...it was just a question. I don't care if you shave or not."
"Emy told me you don't like hair."
"It's not that." She sighs. "I just...I used to think it's dirty." She pauses and then continues, "I don't anymore. I mean I'm trying to accept it. I like your hair." She blushes intensely and I give her no reaction. "Just touch yourself, I'm not judging."
"I do shave, just not always. I mean I'm not sleeping with anyone at all, so ya," I try to explain as I rid myself of my sweatpants again.
"Tegan," she says, "I don't care. I like you...like that." She gives me a look...or the look. It assures me. This look is like a glimmering shiny hypnotizing object that she radiates from her eyes till it reaches my brain until I cave in and rest on her lap. I touch myself once again in front of her and bring myself to my orgams as she holds my hand and kisses the skin that covers my bones.
...
This whole thing begins to irritate me. With every orgasm I cause to myself I become more depressed. I was known for my high spirits and lack of care. I was known for my optimism and my sense of humor. But now I'm just an eighteen year old with such a lack of confidence, a high tendency of quick irritation and unrecognized anger, violence to my spongebob pillow, and crying fits in the bathroom out of both sexual and emotional frustration.
All caused by the evil witch Sara Smith.
I'm not sure if she is noticing the change that's altering in my personality, or the weakness I've been projecting, especially after I come while she's looking at me, but if she is I'm very positive she's causing it. The more I spread my legs in front of her eyes the more I lose it and the more I want her touch to become near. I have no idea as well why this is causing me to be so down and so sad all the time. A part of me is chewing on every small feelings inside when I see Emy and Sara flirt in front of my eyes. It's jealousy I know by now but I don't know what for and why is it happening. And the fact that I continue being haunted by images of Sara and Emy having sex or as they call it making love makes me want to scream so loud and kick everything around me like a child. All I get is a scene of Sara in her underwear, her hands inside of them, fingering herself while I can't touch her.
It's torture, it's pain in its realest shape that it drove me crazy, it made me yell at my mother for talking about her new boyfriend. It's making me bitter, I hate being bitter, I'm not a bitter person. All of this drove me to do the bad deed, which is hitting Sara and shoving her roughly till she fell off.
Sara didn't do anything, she told me to get help. We didn't talk for about three days but I apologized and she said she understands...whatever that is. Maybe it's something them analysts understand, she's already acting like one with every good mark I help her earn.
...
When I woke up, I didn't find Sara. It's Saturday, so she's probably with Emy, this alone angered me and made me kick everything around. Sara didn't even tidy nor clean the room. I hope the dildo gets stuck inside Emy's vagina and they'd have to perform a surgery to get it out, but it wouldn't get out and her vagina would become so huge and big with a dildo inside and Sara wouldn't sleep with her ever again so she'd have to sleep only with me.
But she probably wouldn't even sleep with me because I'm a heart breaker apparently. As if she hasn't broken my heart this past month millions of times with every orgasm she made me cause to myself without even giving me one single kiss.
I don't even bother to change my clothes in the bathroom. I don't care anymore if she'll come all of a sudden. I don't even know why we're doing it in our underwear, I'm pretty sure she's seen my breasts many times, each time I sneak my hand inside my bra to massage them.
And here I am arguing with this stupid bra because I'm too damn hot and frustrated to know how to hook it. I kick Sara's chair and I groan loudly.
Sara opens the door and enters quickly. "I went to get us breakfast and coffee," she says. I turn around with hot tears beginning to flow out of my eyes. For one second I thought she'd be inside with Emy, both bragging about their morning sex, but I'm wrong, she's just here with coffee and pancakes.
She furrows her brows and I continue crying. It's mollifying me and I can't stop. "Tegan?" She walks up to me after placing the food and the coffee on the coffee table. "What's wrong?"
At first I don't say anything, I just shake my head to convince her that nothing is wrong. But then she comes closer and now she's touching my face with her soft, calming touch and looking at me as if she's someone who cares.
Which makes me cry more.
"Everything is wrong," I finally say. "I'm so..." I kick her chair then sit on it, letting my bra unclasped but still covering my breasts. "I just woke up angry, I don't know why. Everything is making me angry. I woke up hot and bothered and I'm so fucking sexually frustrated, I hadn't had sex in two months. And touching myself while looking at you isn't helping. My mum is so in love with this new dude and I saw his picture, he looks like ..." I sniffle and let out a disgusting sob.
Sara kneels in front of me and puts her hands above my exposed thighs. "Continue," she says. "Let it all out. I'm listening."
"Ya..." I pause again, taking a breath. "I hate the man she's in love with, he looks like he just eloped from his funeral." Sara laughs. "I'm serious. He looks like a pedophile...he looks like...that man who used to touch me." I breathe, finally getting it off my chest. She nods, she understands...I mean that's what she says. "And my boobs really hurt and this bra won't fucking clasp itself and I'm horny, I'm really horny. I want to get fucked, okay." She dilates her eyes after I continue yelling at her.
Sara helps me up and I'm her fucking robot, I stand up. She turns around and tries to hook my bra. "I'm pretty sure this bra is two sizes smaller than your breasts, that's not even good." She clasps it and turns around. Her eyebrows rise on their own when she looks at my cleavage.
"Ya. I told you my boobs hurt. My nipples I mean. I want something tight."
"Pretty sure that's not going to help. They probably hurt because you're horny," she says. "Let's ease your tension, shall we?" Sara winks at me.
Then Sara strips off her clothes and remains in her undergarments as well. Great. here we come with our routine. Is she even going to get it?
I don't even get it, I don't get me or what I want, she'll never get it.
Sara begins touching herself and I do the same. Same old routine. We begin slow, massaging our breasts, except the padding of my bra isn't allowing me to feel anything. Her bra is so thin that I can make up how hard her nipples are, I bet they hurt like mine.
Sara is on the sofa and I'm on her chair. I can't get myself into the mood because of my anger. My bra starts to irritate me so I simply unclasp it and throw it away. This makes Sara pause and look at me. Correction, it makes her pause and look at my breasts. She looks for too long that I unconsciously move my hands there and try to cover them.
This gives her the wrong suggestion, she moves her hands and cups one breast, starting to knead and massage. I start doing the same after getting myself rid of that hellish material and I feel much better.
I start getting wet. I look at her other hand and it's clearly circling her clit. I do the same and then I start stroking my lips and dipping my finger in my slit. Clearly, Sara does the same. Silky underwear barely cover a thing and I'm thankful. I touch my nipple and she quickly does the same. But I can't really do much but circle softly because I'm not a fan of pain, therefore, Sara does the same.
Then it happens, Sara pushes her bra down and reveals one breast. I gasp and stare. I blink, and then stare again only to find her bra is completely gone. Her lips are parted and her face...well that's another case. I really hope she's not getting an asthma attack.
I stare at her breasts. Same size as mine...mine are a bit perkier, hers are rounder. Her nipples are pink and hard, just like mine. She has a mole on the side of her left breast, it's tiny and can barely be seen, but I see it because I'm focusing too much. That's what Emy sees and touches and puts in her mouth, Emy's lucky and I'm more jealous.
My jealousy births anger and anger births rougher work to my cunt. I circle and she does as well, I tease myself and she does tease herself as well. I spread my legs more and she does too. I push a digit inside just to see if she's going to push one or two and I'm pretty sure she does it like me, she pushes only one finger. I notice that Sara's doing everything like I'm doing, therefore, I lower my underwear, I take it off and I expose my bare mound and my whole cunt to her, with my finger inside.
Right now I'm pretty sure she's having an asthma attack.
She's taking her underwear off...Oh fuck, she's taking her underwear off.
Holy fuck.
She closes her legs slightly and sneaks her hand between them, she refuses to look in my eyes, she's so quiet. I can still see everything, though. Her beautiful pussy, oh God, so beautiful, so delicious. I want to lick her and suck her engorged clit and I want to fuck her with my tongue and pull at her lips.
Emy gets everything and I only get to look and control my need to touch her.
I spread my legs because I don't care, but she doesn't do the same because she's dying of embarrassment already. I push two finger and begin the quick and rough motion, thrusting inside myself. Everything is too much and it's basically like watching live porn. It doesn't take me much to start losing it. I begin to make embarrassing sounds of frustration and sexual tension. I use my other hand to help me with my clit. Sara's other hand is performing art on her breasts.
I wonder if she's wishing that I'm touching her the way I'm wishing I'm touching her as well. I wonder if she's wishing she's touching me the way I'm wishing I'm touching her. I wonder what's in her brain, I can't take it, I want her to say something.
"What are you thinking?" I ask breathlessly.
"You shaved," she says.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" She's fucking annoying. I hate her, God.
"You have a nice body." She can barely let out her sentences, I know she's super close, but I want her to say that she wants me.
"I fucking want you. I want to fuck you. Can't you fucking get it?" I yell at her. She doesn't say anything because she's already riding her orgasm. I can tell because her toes are curled and her eyes are tightly shut. This sight alone does not only build me up but throws me to my own orgasm all of a sudden and with too much tension that I punch Sara's desk and escape a cringe-worthy suppressed moan until I rest.
"I know," she says. But I'm so dazed I can't focus on that. "I'm sorry about that. Maybe you should sleep with someone else. I'm dating Emy." I look up at her and suddenly feel stupid and disgusting. I close my legs and sigh. Ya, maybe I should sleep with someone else. Fuck her. "I think it's better we keep it like that between us...so no one gets hurt." She's already starting to dress herself. "Come on, let's eat," she says again and I nod.
I'm not an emotional, heartbroken, lover. I'm not my mother. I'll be okay.