Sara
"I'm so sorry. I'm so so so sorry. I didn't know it was going to be like this. I didn't want it to be like this." I can't stop crying. I can't even open my eyes and face her. I thought it was going to be easy but it wasn't. It's not. I can't believe I've done it. I told her that we are over. It feels like I just lost some important part of me. I haven't cried this much before over someone. Not even over Tegan the past weeks we weren't talking to each other.
"Shh," she says. "Stop crying. We're in public." I look up but I don't find anybody deeply concerned in my red and swollen eyes.
Emy is not crying. She is just staring at me with her head tilted to the side and her hands folded against her chest. I cry more because that part of me also already misses her.
I made my decision the past week. If Emy and I just have no connection at all, even if there is love, then there's nothing that ties us to each other. I guess Rob helped me figure it out. He told me to look for whatever I keep thinking about the most and choose it. It's Tegan. I think about her the most. I love her so much. And she can't even figure out what she feels for me or for Emy or for anybody.
After our childish fight I knew it was just hard to stay around her anymore when she didn't really know what she was doing. I looked for another room. I was ready. I was so ready to move on with my life and when she said she's moving I knew that whatever had happened was a terrible mistake. I was so ready to stop thinking about her. I was ready to leave Emy. I was ready to grow up and start studying and get the fuck out of here.
But then I made another mistake and I let her in again. I let her smile at me and I remembered why I couldn't move out suddenly. I just love her. I love her so much and she can't even feel it. And my mistake birthed another and I slept with her because my need was at its highest peak. I wanted her yesterday. I wanted her so much and I wanted to know what is it about her that makes me quake and quiver. Is it her smile? Is it the way she speaks? Maybe her body, I tried to tell myself. Maybe it is her heart and her humour or the innocence she forces herself to conceal. Or maybe I am so pathetic, I m attracted to her sadness because I want to be the one who makes her feel better and happy. I didn't get a result but I am so fucking in love with her and yesterday's sex just proved to me that if I left her and ran I will hurt myself more than hurting her.
And she's moving as she said. I couldn't really ask her about it. Yesterday was so good that I just wanted to keep it that way. I showered humming silly songs and composing new lyrics in my head about her. I daydreamed of silly scenes of us in a huge house together. Happy, dancing, laughing, and kissing. That's what I do when I fall in love. I daydream and then it all ends. I remember I used to daydream of Emy's and I's kids. I thought we'd reach that stage but now I can tell that I was so different before Tegan and now I'm the Sara that my parents wish I'd be. More serious, more focused, and more realistic.
Yesterday we had dinner together. I showed her how to clean the dildo and she said she will only use it on me. That part made me feel hopeful and worried at the same time. Hopeful that there is a chance I'm the only one she'd really fuck, and sad that there is a chance she will fuck others. I had to remind my mind constantly that change is good and it's part of the growing process.
Even though we slept in two different beds, when I woke up I found her sleeping next to me. My heart leapt and my entire frame shook with bliss. My mind was made up right away that my mistake should be fixed and Emy should not be tied to my tentative love anymore.
And now here I am in front of her in the restaurant. I told her that I couldn't do it anymore and then I cried and cried and cried.
"I guess everything we've been through the past month made me realize it all. I just don't want you to be in this stupid triangle," I say.
"Sara," she starts. "I don't know where to start, honestly." She sighs. "I've had my doubts. Since the very beginning. Since before Tegan I felt us straying. You started changing. I guess that's just part of growing up, maybe. I actually liked the change because you started caring about your future. You started worrying. You started thinking about what's going to happen. Then I realized I was not really included in your thoughts. And so I started making my own." I nod.
"You've changed as well. You suddenly started going to expositions and displaying your art. People started liking what you do. It made me feel left out. I felt like a loser. I felt like you were going to graduate and leave me. I was worried about it, actually." I cough and reach for my tea. I know I should have been happy for her and I really was, but I was more jealous of her than happy. I know it's selfish, but I couldn't control it.
"No. I wasn't going to do that." She taps her fingers against the table and continues, "Then Tegan came and it was like a roller coaster ride. One day you were chasing me out of nowhere and the other you were ignoring me. Often you were in your room all the time and you never picked up the phone. I started getting closer to her on purpose to understand what's going on."
"And that made me so jealous of you two because you have this bond that she and I cannot really have because all we do is fight or..." I do not continue. I lower my head and hear bitter laughter.
"Fight or fuck," she says, not asks. "Ya. Then I figured you're somehow cheating on me because Tegan can't really lie and everything felt strange. So I insisted we have a threesome. I kept insisting. I also noticed your change in behaviour when it came to sex. You're suddenly not shy or nervous. You're suddenly so confident and wanting to try new things. And even though you were really dominant since ever, there's just this thing that changed about you. Your whole aura. All of you suddenly changed and I knew the reason was her."
"It wasn't really cheating in the means of cheating," I say. But who am I kidding? Cheating emotionally is ten times worse than regular cheating. And that's why I want to fix it up and leave Emy even though I'll feel empty and I'll hurt her. At least now I can cheat my own person. I can fool my mind and imagine scenes with Tegan. Imagine love with Tegan.
"I don't want to know what was it exactly. I just...I feel really sad right now." Her sentence breaks and her voices trembles. And then she starts crying.
"I'm so sorry. I don't want to hurt you anymore."
"How am I going to get over you?" Emy says with a soft sob. "And I fell for her too. It's messed up, Sara. I've never been so messed up. But you, I fucking love you. And now there's just...nothing."
"I'm still going to be your best friend and love you. Just not that way." Even the guilty smile I give her is pathetic. She wipes her tears and nods.
"When did you know you were in love with her?"
"I think a part of me always knew. It was always there. I just did. But I was so sure of it when I kissed her. It just felt right and felt refreshing." She nods again. "I wish she loved me." She nods a third time.
"Telling her isn't an option?" she says all of a sudden. I shrug. "Maybe you should."
"I mean if I did and didn't it's the same. Her mind is set that everyone out there is going to leave her and dump her. She can't let go of this concept. But maybe I'll tell her. After finals, before she moves out, I guess."
"We were looking for apartments. Not a very good luck on her part." How hard it must be for Emy. To sit here in front of me and sit there in front of her and be a friend to both of us while she's in love with both of us and none of us are in love with her that way. She has the courage that I can never have. She has the super powers of a big heart that's empty of jealousy. She has a heart better than mine and it makes me envy her and admire her. "I have a class. I should really get going," Emy says.
"Oh, ya. Me too." I stand up and she does too. "I guess I'll..." I point at the door and she nods. It's awkward and uncomfortable. It's not the same anymore.
I go before she does. Even though we are going the same way, we both know it's better each leaves on her own.
At lunch I meet up with Tegan in our room. She's already there waiting for me when I enter my room. She smiles at me as soon as she sees me. Her entire face lights up and mine does as well. Her hair is longer and her silly bangs aren't there anymore. They're longer now but still look as if they've been munched on while she was asleep. A giggle escapes me as soon as I remember our first day. I remember her attitude and mine and how things have changed since then. I thought I was going to hate her and now I love everything about her even her irritating behaviours. I love even the most annoying little quirks, like her toying with her labret piercing, snorting like a baby pig, leaving her clothes on the floor, chewing with a mouth open, and more and more. I love them all even though if it was another person I'd be repulsed.
"Hey you," she says when I walk up to her. Her arms are spread and I dive into her offered hug. I hold her tight and sigh on her shoulder. Then I look up at her and her face is glowing with a beet red colour. She leans in and kisses my lips so softly and I close my eyes and smile. It feels amazingly relaxing to be encircled by the heat of her skin and her natural scent.
"Hey," I finally respond after pulling away.
"You're a cute heartbreaker." She pokes my nose with her index and I laugh.
"She told you?"
"She did," Tegan says. She gives me an apologetic smile. "Don't let her know I told you but she cried a lot and I felt terrible. I thought she was never going to stop crying. At the end she was just making some weird sound with sniffles and hiccups." I try to imagine it, which only makes me start crying. I can't believe I've hurt Emy because I'm in love with a girl who only wants sex from me. But I can't help it. I just love it. "Oh, shit." Tegan wipes a couple of tears trailing down my cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Sara. I really am."
"It's not your fault." I sniffle but tears continue falling. "I think it's just...I'm just cleansing all my emotions, you know. Like I just feel better crying now."
"Aww, Sasa." She hugs me again and tighter till I gasp for air. She laughs and lets me go. "You're so cute with your nose running and your face full of snot and tears."
"Gross," I yell. "Oh my God. That's disgusting." She laughs harder as I walk to my bedside table and grab a tissue. I blow my nose and try to overcome the embarrassment.
I mean, I've seen her bloody underwear and I've thrown up on her. Wait, I squirted on her. I should not be shy because of this.
"Don't worry about Emy. She assured me she's going to be fine. I promised her we'll find a hot girlfriend for her." Tegan gives me her significant gummy smile and a thumbs up.
"You're really close to her, huh?" I ask.
"Jealous?" Tegan winks.
"Maybe," I tease and smile.
"I really enjoy her company. She puts up with my bullshit. She says it's like hearing you talk. Kinda creepy." I laugh and nod.
"I wanna show you something." The heat climbs up to my forehead and cheeks as I face her. She's standing against my desk. I take off my red coat and throw it on my bed. Then I unbutton my jeans and pull them down. Tegan is giving me a devilish smirk but I roll my eyes and point at the bluish bruises on my inner thighs. She gasps immediately and kneels down in front of my legs. She parts them a little bit and touches the dark spots.
"Oh, babe," Tegan says. I shudder when I hear the word and feel her touch. "Does it hurt?" She kisses one dark circle and I shudder again, not because it hurts but because her lips give me a special kind of shake to my entire system.
"No. I just have sensitive skin. Must be from all the thrusting." She kisses again and it makes me whimper. She holds both of my hips. She kisses and licks the skin of my inner thighs. Whenever she reaches my bikini area she strays away from it. It only fuels my hunger and snipes my need. "What...what are you doing?" My octave is scratchy and coarse.
"I want to have a little taste. Can I?" she asks politely, and I can't even say no. I just nod quickly. "The scent of your arousal intoxicated me somehow."
"Oh, God." A nervous laugh escapes me as I look down at her looking up at me. I turn my head to the side and turn back again to see her still looking. She gives me an innocent laugh with her deep timbre and I sigh. I give her a nod. It doesn't take her more than half a second to pull my underwear to the side. My cunt meets her eyes and she inhales. I try to hold my breath but the result is my face becoming crimson with bashfulness. "Do you...think we have enough time?"
"Be a good girl and don't tease yourself so we don't take much time. Don't hold back when you feel it coming." I nod quickly and wait for her.
Tegan takes a hold of my ass cheeks and pulls me closer to her face. She pecks my clit while looking at me looking at her. My breaths become rougher with every peck on that particular part. She builds up my arousal till the desire in my clit all accumulates in its nerves, making me feel the pulse that's happening right there, throbbing for just a little touch to explode.
"Please, please," I say. I take a hold of her hair and keep her face there. When she laughs, the vibrations of her laughter hit me right where I want and I give her face a tiny hump.
She squeezes my butt cheeks and opens her mouth. I look at her round puffy lips. She licks the lower one and touches the hood of my clit with it. I blink to endure the need and watch what she is doing. I thought she wasn't going to tease but I thought wrong. Her tongue pokes out of her lips and touches the hood of my clit. I blink again and hiss. Then all of a sudden I see her two lips enfolding the bundle of nerves and embracing it with a hard suck. My vocal cords can't help themselves so they push a scream past my lips. Her tongue circles and she sucks and my head and heart almost stop functioning. She holds me closer to her but I feel as if I am going to fall the more I arch my back.
Tegan starts bobbing her head to both sides while building a new type of pleasure Emy did not build before. How can she do this? It's like my insides are screaming. It's like I have lit thousands of lights in all my body parts and all of them are igniting a sexual ecstasy even in the most ordinary parts. From my fingertips to my toes. I can feel the pleasure building up and rising. I can feel the celebration in my insides.
I lift up my blouse and lower my bra. I look down at my breasts freed from the cups and cup them with my hands instead. I squeeze and feel my nipples begging for a touch right there. The most thing I love other than someone going down on me is my nipples brutally pinched, bitten, and sucked on. It gives me extreme pleasure that I cannot describe. Emy did not like that. She only liked soft licking and that's it.
Tegan lets go of my clit and I watch the strands of saliva still connected between her lips and my own other lips. She pushes her tongue between my slit and I moan. She does too. I take both nipples and pinch the harder I could as she glides her tongue up and down between my lips. I slowly start bucking my hips and ride her face.
But then she stops and looks up at me. My clit is pressed on her chin and it's the thing I'm basically humping with eyes closed until I realize she's staring at me. "You like pain right there?" She gestures for my chest with her eyes.
"Ya." My voice comes up whiny and so low. I almost laugh at myself, but I don't. "It makes my entire body feel good."
"Then you'll really love a nipple piercing." She kisses my mound. And it's only then when I notice that it's full of tiny slowly growing hair. My eyes widen for a short moment but then I jump when I feel her finger at my entrance. "We don't have much time. I wish I could, like, eat you out so well right now." She pulls her finger out, though. She kisses the place where my pubic hair is growing.
"I don't want that. Then I'll be like you. Too sensitive to be touched there. I love when someone plays with my tits. It's my favourite thing." I reveal something I have never revealed to her and she smiles at me.
"I'll so do that but your pussy is my priority right now." She winks and lowers her face to where I want it again.
It's like I'm sitting on her face but I'm not really. She has a good hold of my hips so I won't fall. I feel her tongue again toying with my folds and tasting my juices. She spreads my lips and then I feel the warmth and softness of her tongue slowly making its way inside of me. I hiss and bite my lip as she starts tongue fucking me. I look down and I notice she's staring at me. Slowly, I start riding her face as I feel my walls stroked gently. Her nose is pressed against my clit and it gives me the right pleasure I'm looking for. My moans begin to make a sound and my hands both find the back of her head. I really hope she's going to have time to fix her hair because I'm making a mess of it now.
My pleasure hails me all at once and I think of fighting it by tightening my own walls but I don't. I arch my back and push the pleasure out of me as it takes me to the edge. The wave takes me so high that I rub my entire pussy on Tegan's face, feeling its features right there and feeling ashamed with myself. Her teeth bite my lips and I scream as my come flows out of me and right inside Tegan's mouth. Her tongue returns again, going over each tiny detail she now knows exists there, and cleans all my inebriant juices.
She pulls away and looks at me. I notice her face is full of sweat and my fluids and all I want to do is hide my own face right now. "Thought you were going to squirt on me for a second. I have to admit, even though I worried about my hair getting ruined, I really kind of wanted it to happen. Too bad it didn't."
"I...I don't know how it happened last time. It just did. It was just too intense. Not that this one isn't, but like...ya, that one...ya it was, it was..."
"Shhh..." She pecks my clit again and that shuts me up and makes me stop my blabber. "Okay. Let's help you sit and change." She lowers me down slowly until my bum hits the carpet. I fall down instantly and my head hits the floor. I try to find the regular rhythm of my breathing as Tegan stands up and walks to my dresser. "Want your puffer?"
"No. I'll be alright." She walks up to me and takes my shoes then jeans off. "You have to clean your face and hair."
"I'll wash up." She miles at me as she pulls my underwear down my legs. "I love making you come. There's just this thing about making girls so vulnerable in your own hands. And then you see their most intimate expressions on their faces and it's just so beautiful. Especially strong girls. You know, the way they come undone and soften up to you. I really love that."
"You think I'm strong?" She helps me put a black lace underwear she's picked for me. I laugh at her choice and she winks.
"Love lace on ya," she says. "And yes, you're very strong. You have this..." I start dressing my person again as she strives to find the words. "I don't know. It's this power. It's like a shadow that pulls me towards you. And honestly," she says with a low voice, "I've never felt like this towards anybody before."
"Really?" I ask.
"Mhm." She nods. "It's kind of like...magical." A nervous chuckle leaves her lips.
"You know," I say, "I'm just a witch." I wink and shrug. She laughs and gets up. I watch her as she walks to the bathroom and I sigh to myself. I fucking love her.
In the evening, Tegan returned from work with a cup of coffee for me. Just like the old times. She said she's going to shower so I decided to video chat my mother.
"Your father and I are so proud of you," she says.
I nod and put a piece of chips in my mouth. "If, like, I continue passing and getting these marks I can like graduate next year."
"Don't overload yourself. Don't take too much subjects, honey."
"Don't you want me to graduate, though?" I ask.
"Well, sure. But I don't want you to stress yourself, Sara. Plus, it looks like you're enjoying your time with Tegan." She winks at me.
"Mum." I gasp. "She's in the bathroom."
"What did I say?" She laughs.
"You know..." I do not continue. "Just...don't hint that I have some feelings towards her or anything. She's my friend now and like...ya."
"Wait," mum says. "It's over with Emy?" Her mouth is wide open.
"Yes." I nod. "Why are you so shocked? I told you it's all fucked up." She nods. "Look, I know you liked me Emy, but she's you know, my friend right now, and like Tegan, she's like, I don't know, it's complicated."
"Oh dear." She sighs. "I just want you to be happy and be with someone you love. I don't care who it is." I give her a sincere smile and look at the door. I can still hear the water so it's safe to say Tegan hasn't heard any of this. "I'm gonna go check on the dinner, I'll be right back." I nod and she goes.
I change my position from lying on my stomach to lying on my back. My laptop is behind my head. I finish what's left of my chips and wait for mum to return. I can't hear the water anymore so I guess Tegan is done with her shower. But then I hear a meow and I jump. I look behind me and find Lucifer on the sofa my mum was sitting on while talking to me.
"Oh hi Luci," I say as I switch my position once again. "I miss you, little buddy." The cat only meows at me. "Mummy's gonna return so soon. Don't you miss me?" I pout my lips intentionally at him. "So whatcha been up to these past months? Got a girlfriend?" I wink at the cat and laugh at myself. The cat purrs in return. "Looks like you had some really good time. Made girl cats swoon and all."
"Got that on tape," Tegan yells from behind me and I scream, which makes my cat meow loudly and fall off the couch. She starts cackling infuriatingly and I try to overcome the fright that has just hit me. "That's so fucking cute, dude. You speaking to that pussy as if it's someone who understands. You call yourself mummy." She continues laughing, holding her camera, and snorting disturbingly.
"Motherfucker, what the fuck is wrong with you?" I shout at her and she freezes all of a sudden. I hear soft giggling from behind me. I turn around and watch my sister facing the camera with Lucifer on her lap. "Joy, hi," I say. "You didn't hear that. I mean don't tell mum I said that in front of you." I laugh nervously.
"Said what in front of her?" My mother appears quickly and sits next to my sister. "Oh, Tegan, hi sweetie?" Great, the whole gang is here.
"Hey, Jessica. Hey, Joy," Tegan says and waves. I motion for her to sit next to me and she does.
"What were you saying in front of your sister, Sara?" My curious mother can't let anything get past her, can she?
"It's nothing. I cursed at Tegan and Joy heard me." I shrug. I mean what the fuck? Kids are going to grow up and learn these words. Why are parents so fucking careful not to say these things in front of their children? It's not like they're never going to learn them?
"What does motherfucker mean?" My eyes widen when Joy asks that. "And what does fuck mean? She always says it." She gives me a wicked smile after asking again.
"Sara," my mother shouts. Tegan's lips are pressed tightly and I know she's trying her best not to laugh. "How many times have I told you to watch your mouth? You know what? You tell her what it means."
"Me? You're her mother." My mother shrugs. "It's just a bad word. Joy, it's a bad word. Don't say it to anybody."
"Then why did you call Tegan that?" Tegan wiggles her eyebrows at me, making me want to slap the living hell out of her.
"Because she's Tegan," I say with a smug smirk that makes Tegan frown instantly.
"Sara," mother shouts again but louder. I roll my eyes and listen. "Apologize to your friend right now." I can see Tegan's evil fucking smirk from the corner of my eye. "Tegan, I'm so sorry my daughter is so rude to you."
"She's rude to me too," I chant like a six year old child. "What the? Mother, I'm twenty four, what am I trying to prove to you here?" Tegan finally laughs loudly. My mother joins her laughter but in a more reserved tone. Like an old lady laughter.
"You must be pretty excited leaving her for about a month and going to see your family, huh?" And now there is the old lady investigation questions. I see what you're trying to do, Jessica.
"Oh, no. I really enjoy Sara's company. It's...refreshing." The scowl I had for the past five minutes turns into a huge foolish smile. Joy awws obnoxiously from the screen and I give her a dirty stare to shut her up.
"Lucifer is going to puke seeing his mum flirting like that." My mother shushes Joy and smiles at us. I somehow start to feel uncomfortable only because I notice Tegan is kind of is as well.
"Alright, Sara. We'll go now. We'll talk soon, alright?" I nod. "Please book a flight already and give me the time of your departure and arrival so I tell your dad to pick you up from the airport."
"Mum, it's still early. Two more weeks, remember?" Tegan sneaks her hand to my right hand and touches it. I flinch and look at our hands. I look at her thumb rubbing my palm and take a breath.
"Yes, but it's the holiday season, you won't find a flight. Sara, you hear me? Book a flight right now, sweetie. Do you want me to book for you?" I'm not paying much attention anymore because my brain has already departed family land and just hopped on lust and love land. Lust before love because this is Tegan and if she knows this is love she's going to laugh at me.
"No. I'll...I'll book a flight now. I...gotta go." Somehow my clit reminds me that it's an important part of my body and I feel a bit selfish because I've been pleasured twice by Tegan and I haven't given her a thing.
"Oh, alright," my mother says. I really hope she can't see that Tegan's hand is messing around everywhere on my lower half. "Study well, sweetie." I nod, so ready to close the chat. "Goodbye."
"Bye," I say quickly.
"Goodbye, Tegan." My heart jumps when I hear my mother's stern voice and watch the intense stare she has just given Tegan. Maybe it's just me. Tegan says goodbye casually while drawing figures on my clothed clit. We're both sitting on our stomachs and she sneaked her hand there.
I close the chat and turn off the computer then turn around changing my position again. I exhale dramatically and spread my legs, allowing her fingers to march on my clothed cunt.
"Your mum totally knew what's going on."
"So it's not just me? Oh my God," I shout and she laughs. "I'm so fucking embarrassed."
"I tried to play it cool and like...act as if I'm not doing anything, but God knows, I think I wet my pants." I giggle and face her. She's resting beside me.
"What kind of wetness is that?" My voice is somehow sensual and my octave is deeper than it usually is.
"Ohhhh, not the sexy kind." She wrinkles her nose and I just laugh stupidly because I'm lost in love with her. "Although," she says, "I'm kinda pretty sure I have that kind of wetness too." I scream louder than ever when she pinches parts of my vulva through my sweatpants. My eyes widen when she pinches my lips, squeezing my clit between them.
"Holy fuck." I gasp. "Tegan," I moan her name and she makes that beautiful sound that I really like. It's like a very soft moan instead of saying 'yes'. "You've been doing me only and I haven't touched you."
"Because I want to. I told you, I just love it watching you grow so small and then huge in my hands." I squint my eyes; and so she elaborates, "You know, like a flower. You are close and folded when I'm fucking you, then when you're hitting your orgasm it's like the flower has bloomed and all of it has opened so I could see all its petals. Then after that you shrivel and close and become so tired. It's so fucking sexy knowing I've done that."
"Oh," I say.
"Does that turn you off? I'm sorry, I don't mean to, you know...compare you to something like that. I mean, I know you don't like that but I..." I just kiss her to shut her up. She doesn't shut up when she's nervous. Kind of like myself.
I let Tegan touch me again. She said it's okay if I didn't touch her. She told me to relax and just enjoy her touch. She undressed me carefully and slowly. She spread my legs and touched my folds. She fingered me this time while looking at me. Then she spent the time sucking my breasts and pinching my nipples. The harder she pinched them the more painful it felt, and the more amazing it actually made me feel. So I just let her hurt my breasts till my nipples were dark enough to be classified as unattractive. And I let her finger me till I blossomed like a flower in front of her and then shriveled and died.
Then we made dinner. Which was really just breakfast for dinner because we were simply too lazy to cook something. Tegan showed me her mother's recipe of No Time Omelet as she called it. She told me that her mother cooked that for over a month each night when she broke up with her stepdad. It was that same stepdad who has touched her inappropriately. Her mother was too upset after that. She just couldn't cook or speak with anybody. So Tegan ate that each night for over a month when she was nine. It was just a regular omelet with tomatoes and onions in it. It fooled Tegan to eat the omelet because regular ones with only the eggs were too ordinary for her liking as a child. The information made me want to hug Tegan and make her something better to eat. But I didn't do that because I'm not sure how to approach Tegan when she speaks carelessly of these matters.
...
I studied my ass off today and now I'm all very sleepy and tired. Tegan studied too today. We didn't have sex today. We ate lunch with Emy in the cafeteria. She and Tegan kept gossipping about Theresa and Lindsey being together. Evil combined itself. I did nothing but think about Tegan searching for an apartment and leaving me. Emy only said one thing about it. She asked Tegan whether she has found something but Tegan dismissed the subject by changing it without even giving her an answer. It made me feel like they're hiding things from me. And now I just feel jealous. So I was kind of bitchy to Tegan all day. Even when she brought me coffee and a piece of chocolate mousse cake, I didn't really soften up. She didn't ask what's wrong. She looked at me for a few minutes then went to the bathroom.
Now I'm in bed trying to sleep and she's watching television in silence. I can only hear the sounds of the animated cartoon she's watching and the sounds of my head pounding. They are both competing against each other. Which will make my head explode?
"Tegan?" I sigh, deciding to tell her to turn off the television. She hums in return. I do not take my head out of my duvet so I'm not sure if she's looking at me or not. "Can you please turn off the television? I'm trying to sleep."
"It's not even nine yet. Are you okay?" she asks.
"I just have a really terrible headache," I answer. She doesn't say anything.
A moment later the noises from the television die. And another moment later I feel Tegan's weight beside me. I open my eyes and see her sleeping next to me under the duvet. I shift my body more so I leave more space for her. She shifts hers as well till there's no space between us. She switches her position till she's on her side and she tries to hug me. A part of me wants to surrender to her touch and another part wants to stay upset with her. I give in to my tender part and shift to my side and hug her. She starts coughing continuously so I pull away and lower the duvet to expose our heads to the oxygen in the room. Her coughing decreases and I begin to hear soft wheezing coming out of her lungs.
"Tegan?" I ask. "Your coughs are worrying me lately." She giggles and her breaths hit my cheeks.
"I think I'm getting sick. It always happens. I should probably go back to bed. I don't wanna_"
"No," I shout. "Stay."
"Oh. I thought you're kinda mad at me?"
"Kinda," I admit.
"Why?"
I do not give her an answer for several minutes. She gives my side a little nudge. "I don't want you to move and leave me."
"Oh," she says. "I...I thought..."
"No," I shout once again. "No," I repeat. "I...Tegan, no." I just wish to tell her I love her and want her near me. I just really want to. "I wanna be with you..." She doesn't respond. "I'm sorry, that's stupid. I'm so sorry. I know you don't want that. I'm so fucking sorry. Look, forget I mentioned it."
"Wanna move in with me?"
"Huh?" Now I can hear only the sound of my heart thumping and my breaths rising.
"I asked you if you want to move in with me. I found a little apartment. West Point Grey. One room, one bathroom, a kitchen. Ya not much...Oh, and a living room."
"Point Grey is expensive. And it's kinda far?" My heart is still drumming.
"You missed the whole point. I want you to move in with me," she repeats. "I mean if you want to."
"Uh...ya," I say quickly. "I do." I sit up and switch on the lamp on my bedside table. Move in with her as what? Her girlfriend? Her friend? One room? "But like..." I take a nervous breath.
"Don't panic," she says. She sits up. "The apartments in Wesbrook Village were more expensive. I was thinking of getting a roommate, but I'll have to find one with umm...another bedroom."
"I can be your roommate. Help you with rent."
"You don't work, though." I have to tell dad and mum. I have to move in with her. This is my opportunity of leaving this place. This is everything I want to.
"I'll ask dad to help me."
"That's not fair for him," Tegan says. "You don't have to pay. I want you with me. To share the apartment with me. If it's okay with you to sleep next to me each night for the next I don't know how many years." If I didn't know better I'd say she's asking me to be her girlfriend.
How I wish my dream would come true and I'll share a place with someone I love. But they love me too.
"Ya," I say. "I would love that." I don't think my smile will be erased anytime soon. "I'd really love to share a bed with you for the next_" Tegan's phone ringtone cuts me off.
We both look at her Nokia buzzing on her mattress. She walks to her bed with a long sigh and reaches for it. She looks at the screen and puts it to her ear without any expression.
"Hey, Mum." I hear her mother greeting her cheerfully. I rest my head against the headboard and wait for her. "Nothing. Just talking to Sara and all." She winks at me. I giggle in return. Tegan walks up to my bed and sits beside me. "Ya, I am," she says. "Pretty good actually. Oh, and I found an apartment." I hear her mother talking about the cost of the apartment and how she's going to get the money. "Well dad said he's going to give me some in Christmas and I have savings from my job. I can handle it." I hear more talking and close my eyes. "What the fuck do you mean?" I open my eyes right away when Tegan's deep octave sharpens in my ears. "What the fuck is this? Are you blackmailing me? No, no, you know what, fuck you and him and your stupid money. Is this like, what? A bribery? Is this your way of love? What is it exactly? This is stupid." Tegan is fuming next to me. She is crying as well. I hear shouting from her mother. I touch her thigh to stop her from shaking. It doesn't work. "I don't want your stupid money. I don't want to come. I won't come and I'll fucking manage it on my own and I'm going to fucking move and have a great fucking life without you two in it." Her last sentences before she threw her phone across the room come with a shake and a sob between each word.
I know Tegan has anger issues and it's scary to approach her but I do anyway and try to calm her down. I try to shush her as she cries and clenches both of her fists. I don't say anything and wait for her. She screams frustratingly and throws my pillow to the ground as well. I get up and get my pillow and her phone. I place the phone on her bedside table and return to my mattress.
I sit there and wait till her tantrum is over. I've never seen Tegan cry like that. With all her heart and all her soul. With hiccups and sniffles and hair pulling and weeping. With each whimper or whine my heart sinks a bit more.
"Please calm down," I whisper so gently, very scared the blow might hit me. "Is everything okay?" She shakes her head with a wail. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
"It's...they fucking." She coughs and sniffles. "My dad said he won't give me money if I don't go there for the holidays." She coughs again and wipes her nose with the back of her hand. Unconsciously, I wrinkle my own nose, which makes her put her hand away with a jump. "Can you believe it? That's how they tell me they love me. By money. You come here, we give you money. You don't, you don't get money. Everything is money, money, money to them. Like I get it, without money everyone would be fucked up and poor. But like why can't they just..." A loud cry escapes her before finishing her sentence. "This is what they do instead of telling me they'll sacrifice not being with their partners and be with me." It's not really something to cry this much about but I guess it is to her. Maybe Tegan is right. Maybe I should be thankful I have a family who cares even if they're not my own family.
"I'm really sorry, Teetee." I take a breath and decide to just hug her. And when I do, she positions her head right on that spot against my chest. She continues crying right there and I stroke her hair. I feel selfish admitting this but God, I love it when she's so vulnerable and miserable and I'm there to make her feel better. The way she loves it when she makes me reach my highest peak with an orgasm she gives. "You...you're going to stay here alone?" I stutter, not really knowing if it's okay for me to ask or not.
"It's better than being there," she says a bit defensively.
"Is it that bad?" I ask again, dreading the outcome.
Tegan sighs and pulls away. She looks at me. She has calmed down a bit. I reach for a tissue and hand it to her. A small silent laugh escapes her lips. I smile and she blows her nose. "My parents aren't bad people with me. I don't want to give that false impression. I guess I'm just fed up with their concept of love. Since I was young, everything I did they rewarded me with a gift or with money and so that's how I understood love. Something kind of materialistic and forged. That's why it's...it seems like a myth to me. You know, love?" I nod. I guess I can see where she's coming from. "But now I'm here and I see how Emy loves you. How your parents love you and how you love them. I see that love really...it's something else and it's something you do with your heart." I nod again. "And I...I kinda..." She shakes her head. "Ya, now I guess I just want to be loved that way."
If she only knows. If I can only tell her. Why can't I just do it?
"I don't want you to spend the time alone here. Christmas, New Year's eve...I don't want that." She gives me a helpless lopsided smile.
"I don't want to give in and go back to them, Sara. I want them to get the message."
"Can't you talk to them?"
Tegan shakes her head and says, "I want them to realize it. I want them to understand it. I told them I wanted to spend it with them. I want to be with them. They just don't get it. I don't have to spell it out for them to hear it. If they cared, they'd get it." I'm pretty sure her parents do care. They don't seem like terrible people. They simply show their love differently. But for someone like Tegan and all that she's seen, I think it's necessary she be fed with the kind of love that suffocates her. The love of my own parents.
"Wait," I chant loudly. "Come with me. Spend the holidays with me."
"Sara?"
"No, listen. I want you to come with me. May mum would even love that. We'll spend the time together. Please? It's really fun there. We all wear matching reindeer onesies on Christmas eve...Even Lucifer and our housekeeper, Jane." Her eyes widen and I see the look of terrified shock in her eyes. "Just kidding." I guffaw loudly at her reaction.
"My God." She pushes me. "For a second I thought that you guys are the worst nightmare of a family." I laugh more and squeeze her hand. "Are you offering this because I asked you to move in with me?" She raises her eyebrows.
"You know? I actually forgot about that," I say. "But ya. Consider it a deal or an offering."
"But..."
"Don't hesitate. It's going to be fun and okay. I'm really happy I get to share this room with you and will share an apartment too. I want to share more, even the holidays." I finally let a piece of my thoughts out, biting my lip while my stomach cries of nerves.
"It will be okay with your family? Don't you want this time for you guys alone? Plus...I'm really scared of cats. I could really pee my pants if they approach me."
"Woman! How do you even live?" She shrugs sheepishly. "It's totally fine with Jessica and Sander. And Joy will be really happy she'll have someone to annoy the shit out of. And I'll try to make Lucifer behave while trying to make you overcome your pussyphobia. Fake lesbo." I tease with a wink.
"Shut up." She pushes me again. "I mean...it sounds awesome."
"So is that a yes?" I look at her with hopeful eyes. My headache has gone away. My tiredness turned into excitement. My passion is stronger and stronger and my love is glowing like a green glow shinning from all the directions of my heart.
"I guess...yes." I squeal like a little girl and give her a big hug. Her voice fills my ear with peals of laughter as I pull her down on top of me.
I've never been so happy. I wish I can stay forever this happy. God, I love her. I love her. I love her.