Tegan
I suppose now I have a vague idea of what love really is. It's that picture that I practice looking at hour after an hour after the other. It's a platonic, erotic type of buzz inside my chest whenever I receive a kiss or feel a hand trying to soften my inner rigidity. I am trying to understand the concept but I am resisting it because I'm not sure it is what I am supposed to feel or sense or think of.
But I think love is that time of the day I look forward to be done with my job just to take a meaningless piece of cake and a cup of coffee to Sara. These things mean everything to her and I can see it with my new eyes. Love also is the jokes she, Emy, and I share together and laugh stupidly at. Love is me exploring every depth of her skin and inner person as she prefers to call it. I have memorized where her moles and freckles are placed. I can tell you the exact spot of her thigh she pinched to bear the work my mouth was performing the previous night.
Love is also her trying to put up with every practice she despises in me. She does not scold me anymore for throwing my clothes around. She doesn't look at me with utter disgust when I chew with a mouth open. She picks the hair that falls from my head on her own. She does my laundry because she wants to and she changes my sheets and pillowcases.
Love is being with her, around her, before her, behind her, and having her in all angles and corners outside and inside of me. Love is supporting her ideas of love when I do not believe in them and giving her all of me even though I never thought I was able to do it.
Love is loving who she loves and accepting the change she and I are witnessing even though it is a foreign, bizarre, odd kind of change that also seems vague to me. Love is accepting the fact that she and I and Emy are included in a circle that I am not sure we can escape. Love is playing Dirty Santa with these two women and loving every part of it.
Sara and I have discussed it in depth. We have put our choices, options, solutions, and ideas. We both reached a settlement that I really hope we're both equally satisfied with. Emy is the link that we both not only are attracted to, but love to include in our fun when we need something extra. Sara said not to tell Emy about it. She said we'd let her understand it and accept it when the time is right...if it's ever right. We are not quite sure yet.
I look at Sara in the circle we have formed on the ground and I do ponder if she is completely and entirely consenting to what we have both agreed on. I also wonder whether she regrets leaving Emy. But I think of this too much and when I do I bring myself down and I don't want to do that. I want to enjoy the freshness of what Sara is introducing to my world each and every colourful day.
The three of us are joined in a circle with two four gift bags in front of each. Even though we have decided we'll only bring kinky gifts, each have brought something else apparently. I think we're just too nice to give each other something sexual and meaningless only.
"Okay, so who's gonna start?" Emy asks. "Wait, no. I'm gonna start." She giggles while rubbing both palms together. "I really hope Tegan didn't get what I wanted to get."
"I didn't," I say.
"How can you be sure?"
"I know." I wink.
"Come on. I'm losing my patience," Sara says.
"But...why can't Sara start? She's the eldest. Like, Sara starts with giving your gifts and then gives me mine. Then you give her yours and give me yours and then I give y'all your gifts."
"I see what you're trying to do," Sara says.
"But I don't?" I raise an eyebrow.
"Since I am older, I make the rules." She gives me a charming smirk. "You start because you're the youngest." Emy laughs and they high five each other.
"Fine." I shrug. They stop laughing. I give the erotic gift bag to Sara and place one in front of Emy. "Dirty then nice."
Emy is too quick to take her gift out of the bag. She starts laughing right away. She shakes with laughter which makes both Sara and I laugh. "I knew it. I swear to God, I knew it." More gales of laughter are heard in the room.
Sara looks at me with a flushed face. I wink at her which makes her shake her head with a bashful smile.
"This is to have a happy Emy time and always remember me with my gummy smile when you come." I hold my thumbs up as she inspects the vibrator I have chosen.
"When we said Dirty Santa we meant, like, simple, funny, weird dirty things, Tegan. Not sex toys." I shrug at Emy's unstoppable laughter. "But thank you. You're one of a kind."
"Oh, I know," I say. "Sara, open yours." I nudge my roommate.
"I'm kinda scared." She looks inside her bag while taking a breath. I bite on my lower lip and try to even out my breath which suddenly became erratic. I just got nervous all of a sudden and I do not really understand why. She gasps when she realizes what it is and closes her bag. Her face is crimson red...all of it. Her lips are pressed together and a smile is forcing itself to be born. Her eyes are pure like a sparkling sunset and wide with surprise.
"What is it? What is it?" Emy asks. She forces the bag out of Sara's grip and literally, without any exaggeration, falls down on the floor taking with her the bag with the box of the silver nipple clamps I have, jokingly, bought for Sara. "Oh my freaking God. That's the funniest thing."
"I don't see how it's funny." I look at Sara all red and coy. I feel as if I have squeezed her inside her bubble of shame and shyness this time around. I reach for her arm and squeeze it. "That was private," she whispers to me and I'm assuming it's about her telling me she desires pain in that particular area in her body.
"I wanted to get you this one time for your birthday but I didn't want you to hit me with it," Emy says after sitting up. "But I honestly don't think you can take this."
"Well I think she can."
Sara gives both of us a fatal glare and I mean it, it's so fatal that Emy drops the box and stays silent. "Thank you, Tegan. But I don't think I'm ever using this."
What? No. No. We have to use it. Together. I have to see her using it. That's why I got it. I want her to use it.
"Okay," I say and shrug.
"Honestly, that's a good one and you should be laughing right now. Like, she knows you too well to know you like your titties to hurt during sex."
"Shut up," Sara's elbow hits Emy's side. "We get it. I'm weird and you two are making fun of it."
"No, no, no," Emy says.
"No, Sara. No, we're not. We like it. I mean, I like it."
"I do too."
"Ya. Like it's okay to reveal what you like. Like...I like being penetrated too damn much...ya."
"That's not weird," Sara tells me.
"I'm into anal." Both Sara and I direct our gazes back at Emy. She simply shrugs. I think I'm in love with the way she's not scared to declare this in front of us. I like this bravery and it turns me on even more than the coyness Sara displays. "Okay...stop staring." She laughs nervously. "Ya, seriously, stop. Nice gifts now. Please."
And so we proceed with switching gifts before our Christmas break. Emy said she's going to drive us to the airport this evening. Her flight is tomorrow. I think I am going to miss her around. She has become my best friend besides Sara. I can share with her anything I want way more than I can share that with Sara. Maybe because Sara makes me nervous, sheepish, and timid. Emy is just there to laugh at me and I'm there to laugh at her. She told me my next mission is finding her a girlfriend. But if I did that it means that Sara and I cannot benefit from her sexually. I hate the sound of that...but that's how I see it in my head. I bet if Sara heard me she'll give me a lecture about how I shouldn't use these words because they're objectifying our friend. But if Sara thinks them, then she is the same as me. Of course we are not going to be engaged in any business if Emy herself does not give us her one hundred percent consent. But just thinking about it is making my head twirl and my clit twitch. I suppose I liked that threesome too much when I was finally in control and if we give it another chance we might just like it more.
But I still do wish to have Sara all to myself and that's a thing I'm trying to process and work on slowly. Maybe I can live with this idea of being around her all the time and call her my girlfriend if I knew how it's done. Nothing makes sense in my head at the moment. I feel confused and over excited with love. I think it's love that's making me sweat while packing and thinking and trying to understand what's lying behind the hazy picture that I continue painting.
Emy and I take Sara's and I's suitcases down to her car. Sara said she's going to follow in few minutes. I sit beside Emy in the passenger seat as we wait for Sara.
"She gave me back the dildo that she...you know...the blue one." Emy sighs. She rests her head back on her seat and rests her hands on the steering wheel.
"I'm sorry," I say. "But look on the bright side, now you have two sex toys." She looks at me and shakes her head with small laughter.
"It's like returning a wedding ring or something, man." She huffs. I guess I understand. I wouldn't want to be fucked by Sara for two years and then get the toy back...I mean, that would suck.
"Come on, Em. I told you imma find you a babe and you'll be happy again. I promise." I hold my pinkie to her and she smiles. "Ya, there. That's the most beautiful smile I've ever seen."
"Liar," she says. "You probably think Sara's the most beautiful. You're so head over heels for her."
"Well," I start, "I am kinda, you know, into her, a lot. But I promise you your smile makes me melt. Seriously, it's the cutest." Emy blushes.
"So are you guys like together right now? Like you sleep together, right?" I nod. "So are you girlfriends?"
"No...I don't think so."
"If you have feelings for her I think you should really tell her. You won't be disappointed."
"How do you know? What if_"
Sara opens the door and gets inside the car with a hiss. "It's so cold. I'm freezing. I peed three times in the past hour. I hope I don't have to pee again on the plane."
"Ya, well, if you haven't had that much coffee you wouldn't have had to pee that much," Emy says.
"I have to stay awake and focus. I hate midnight flights." She releases an irritated sigh. "So, Teetee, are you excited?" I hum. "What? Just like that?"
"Kinda nervous," I say quietly.
"Oh, don't be. Sara's pussy's really cute." Emy winks at me. I think I'm blushing.
"Ya. I can't wait to see my pussy." Either Sara didn't get it or she's playing along pretending she hasn't gotten it.
"Oh ya. I really can't wait to see Sara's pussy. Looking forward to it," I add, throwing a slight smirk Emy's way.
"I can feel my pussy's excitement hearing this right now." Yes, she has totally gotten it.
And now I feel hot, bothered, turned on, excited, weirded out, and embarrassed...just a bit. Emy looks at Sara through the mirror and I hear Sara's soft giggles from the back. I wonder how Emy feels. Jealous or okay? I'd feel jealous. But Emy seems like she doesn't really care. It feels like she's enjoying this scenery and this tension. Or maybe I'm seeing it this way because I want to believe it.
Sara is unusually quiet while we are waiting for our flight at the airport. I leave her to go to the bathroom and then I go buy a tuna sandwich. I ask her if she wants some but she shakes her head. I finish my sandwich and wait for her to say anything. Just any simple thing. When she doesn't, I finally ask, "Why are you so quiet? Did I do something wrong?"
And it's as if she was desperately waiting for me to speak. She looks at me and says, "Did you really have to get me nipple clamps and give them in front of Emy? Do you know how embarrassed I feel?"
"God," I whisper. "Because giving me a teddy bear that says "Hump Me" isn't embarrassing."
"If it is, then it's embarrassing for me more than you. Plus, I'm not the one who gave you hentai porn magazines. What the fuck? Are you sleeping with Emy?"
"What? No." I give her a look that suggests whatever she has just suggested is ridiculous. "You're jealous...God." I sigh frustratingly.
"No. I'm not," she says. "I'm never jealous of Emy. I'm just embarrassed."
"You're not making sense. Lack of sleep is getting you into a bad mood."
"I don't wanna fight." We're not even dating and arguments are already happening. This is why I don't like relationships.
"Great. I don't want to either."
And that's how our conversation ends until much later while we're on the plane.
After we're served food and drinks and are sleepy and tired, Sara finally speaks again, asking, "Do you have to pee?"
"Yes," I whisper back.
"Me too," she whispers again.
"Can you hold it till we arrive?"
"Two more hours. I don't think I can. I shouldn't have drunk too much water."
"Well, go pee. I can hold it in...I hope so."
"Come with me." I finally look at her. "I don't want to go alone."
"Nobody's going to bite you."
"No." She tugs at my sleeve. "I lose my balance walking on a plane. Please. I don't wanna fall." She tugs more.
Eventually, I cave in and walk her to the bathroom. I wait outside till she finishes, and when she does, I go after since I'm already there. She complains about how dirty the toilet is even though it's not according to me. We return to our seats and I put my headphones back on. Sara is reading a book. I don't know how she can read on a plane but cannot walk on it. I'd be dizzy and nauseous. Fifteen minutes later, I feel Sara's head on my shoulder. I look at her and realize she has fallen asleep. I also don't know how she can sleep on the plane. She sleeps everywhere and all the time. She sleeps easily and quickly. It is something envious considering it takes me two hours and an orgasm to fall asleep.
I become Sara's support as we get out of the plane. She's still in the mood of sleep and is not aware of her surroundings. She tells me she has to go to the bathroom again and we go there. It is crowded and noisy even though it is about five in the morning. I check my phone while she's doing her business and brush my teeth since I am meeting her family in a few. I hope they do not judge my outer appearance. I tried to make myself as presentable and neat as possible but I feel as if I am going to be judged the way I was when Sara first met me.
Sara leaves her stall yawning. She washes her hands and waits for me to finish. "My parents are waiting," she says.
"Sorry. I just want to look, you know, less crappy." She smiles for some reason unknown.
"They've seen you. They don't care how you look. Don't sweat it." I nod and we leave the bathroom.
Sara's mum and dad both give her a tight hug when they see her. Her mother squeals and squeezes her. It makes me smile because it seems so genuine and beautiful. Her dad gives me a smile and takes me in for a hug by surprise. He has brown eyes and dark hair. I suppose that's how people fell for the lie that Sara is his actual daughter. Then I'm thrown into her mother's embrace. Jessica smells nice and feels good to hug.
"Sander, look, this is Tegan," Sara's mother says when she lets go of me. I can feel my face burning.
"I know. We've already met while you were choking your daughter seconds ago." I look at Sara and she's smiling widely. She takes my hand in hers and we start walking. "Nice to meet you, Tegan. You're a Quin so I've heard."
"I am, sir," I say nervously.
"Don't call him sir. He thinks he's twenty-five," Jessica says.
"You told her to call you Jessica," Sara says.
"That's because I am twenty-five."
Sara's parents are nice. They are extremely nice. Actually, unrealistically nice. They are polite and quiet and make many terrible jokes any stereotypically happy couple make. They ask me simple questions about university and my parents in the car. They do not ask too much so I don't get uncomfortable.
Sara's house is huge. It is a mansion. It is beautiful and indescribable. It is a house my father can easily afford but never will purchase. He thinks it's stupid to live in such luxury when there is only you and a girlfriend living there. Mum cannot afford but the house she and I used to live in. Not small but not half as big as this one.
Sara's house is white from the outside with modern structure. From the inside it is grey and white. Her father parks his car and I'm met with a garden surrounding the house from every side. Sara told me they have a pool in the back but they emptied it because of the weather. They have willow trees in the garden as well as lemon trees. We go inside from the kitchen's door.
The house is quiet because everybody is supposedly asleep. The kitchen is modern and spacious. Her mother tells us to go change so we can come down and eat something. Sara tells her we're tired and we want to sleep. So Sara drags me out of the kitchen into a long hallway. Family pictures are on each side of the walls. I recognize baby pictures that are Sara's. But because I'm too sleepy, I notice that she looks almost like an identical image of myself when I was a toddler as well. Sara pulls me into another spacious room. This one is empty. It is full of mirrors and paintings and a large grey staircase. I notice it is the main entrance of the house. A large door is facing the staircase. More closed doors are on each side.
"The first door here is actually the dinning room but also combined with a living room for like, guests and people." Sara opens the first door from the left of the main entrance. This room actually has a classic set of furniture on one side and a modern one on the other. "This is like a guests bathroom but everyone uses it because it's close to our own living room." Sara opens the door right next to the dining room. It is a very small bathroom consisting of a toilet and a basin with a mirror on the wall. "And here is where the magic happens." Sara opens the third door and a very large room greets me. It looks comfy despite the ample space it offers. A TV set and purple furniture. A grey carpet and a Christmas tree in the corner. "And by magic, I mean that's the place I came out to my parents at. See, they were sitting right there and I was sitting here." Sara points at the sofa and then the blank space that's facing it. "Family discussions, fights, inside jokes, and everything else happen in here."
"Nice," I say.
I notice a dark shadow under the coffee table and before I have time to jump, Sara's cat starts running towards us. I distance myself away and Sara takes the cat and lifts him up. The beats of my heart accelerate as I try to recover from the sudden fright while Sara laughs and mumbles some nonsense to her cat.
"Naughty cat. Naughty little Luci. I missed ya." Sara pets her cat as it purrs in her arms and I try to catch my severely dying breaths. I begin to cough and my chest starts aching. "Shit. Are you allergic?" I shake my head and cough more. "Wait, you're getting sick. Man, I forgot you were coughing all last week. Let's go get you to bed and keep you warm." She lets go of the cat but the little animal keeps hugging her feet. "It's okay, Luci. We'll catch up later. Go now, little boy. Mummy's tired and wants to sleep." I smile like an idiot watching her speak to the cat and watching the cat act is if it understands. And magically, the cat leaves us and takes its place under the coffee table again.
"What's wrong? Is everything okay?" Jessica is standing at the door.
"Yes. I think Tegan's getting sick or the cat just really scared her into losing her breath." She winks at me.
"Oh. Keep that cat away," Jessica says. "So is Tegan going to stay with you or in the guest room?" Jessica looks at me and then at Sara. "Just in order to know where your dad should take her suitcase to."
Sara looks at me first then at her mother. I believe both of us are blushing at the moment. "Oh, with me," she says quietly. Her mother nods with a smile and doesn't say anything more. I suppose she understands that there is something going on between us. I'm not sure how it makes me feel but I'm hoping she doesn't think of me in a wrong way.
Sara leads me upstairs and I'm met with two long hallways again on both sides. "On the right there's nothing but my parents' bedroom, a guest room, and a bathroom. On the left there's my room, Joy's, Jane's, and two bathrooms. Joy and I use the big one right next to my room at the end of corridor and Jane uses this one since it's right next to hers." Jane is supposedly the housekeeper that I haven't seen around yet. It's about 6:30 so I'm assuming she and Sara's sister are asleep. I follow Sara to the end of the hall till we reach two doors next to each other and one on the opposite side. "That's my door and that's the bathroom next to it," Sara whispers. "And that's Joy's. She's asleep right now." She points at the door opposite to hers.
Sara's room is as big and beautiful as everything in the house, except agonizingly bright and tidy. The bright red walls and white furniture hurt my sight. Bookshelves and paintings are all over her walls. Her bed on the corner of the room covered with a fluffy red duvet and surrounded by red and white pillows and teddy bears. Our suitcases are already in her room when we're there. She throws herself on her mattress and sighs.
"I feel like...Are your parents okay with me staying at your room?" I sit beside her. I'm careful and nervous.
"I'm a twenty-four year old adult, visiting with my female friend, who also magically happens to be a lesbian. Oh and I broke up with my girlfriend of two years just recently. They're not dumb, Tegan." She sits up and gives me a look of assurance. I'm really hoping her parents won't imagine us having sex in here. The idea alone is embarrassing. I don't think we can last more than a week without sex but I hope we won't really do it until we're back.
Sara kisses me for awhile when she senses my unnerved thoughts. I feel like Sara has gotten more comfortable around me and now she's the one with the upper hand. She's the one that comforts me and makes me feel better. It's not the opposite anymore. Even though I helped her pass all her classes this semester, I still believe it's her who did all the work and I was just the moral support she was in need for.
We both take our turn in the bathroom. I go before she does and finally pee in a space much bigger than the toilet on the plane. I wash my face and change my clothes. Sara leaves the bathroom and joins me in her room in a sports bra and black briefs.
"I'm more comfortable walking like that at this house than I am at my dorm room. I don't know why, but ya." She blushes while removing all her stuffed animals and placing them on the two red beanbags she has in her room. "You can sleep half naked, Teetee. Nobody will come in here."
And so we sleep on Sara's comfortable bed. Both of us half naked and relaxed. Once I place my head on her cold pillow I'm fast asleep because I'm that exhausted.
Though I shouldn't have believed her when she said nobody would be inside. When I open my eyes I hear soft talking and irritating meowing.
"Ya? And what did you get dad for Christmas then?" Sara whispers to whoever I cannot see because my eyes are closed.
"Mum said to buy him a comb so he combs his messy hair," Joy giggles softly and Sara joins her. I smile and open my eyes. I'm facing the wall and so they cannot see me.
"I got him a shirt that says 'Diet is for Losers.' Do you think it will piss mum?" Sara asks. The cat meows. "I guess that's a yes."
"What did you get Lucifer?"
"Oh, I can't tell you. He's here." I can't help but giggle. "You're awake?" Sara's voice is loud now.
"I can't believe even the cat gets a present in here." I sit up and pull the duvet up to my chin. "Hey, Joy." Sara's sister is small and adorable. She has pink chubby cheeks and short blond hair.
"Is she in her bra too?" Joy gasps as she widens her eyes.
"Joy," Sara says sternly. "I'm sorry. I didn't think she'd burst in on us." I nod with a smile.
"Are you girlfriends?" Joy asks. I look at Sara who's looking at her cat.
"We're really close friends," Sara whispers. "Joy, why don't you take Lucifer and go down? Tegan and I will be down in a few."
"Are you going to make out?" the ten year old asks. Sara gets up and pushes her little sister out of the room gently. She whispers something in her ears and closes the door.
"Sorry about that. She's a kid."
"It's fine, Sasa. She's adorable." I let go of the duvet and stretch, yawning and rubbing my eyes.
"We're supposed to have dinner in here tonight but first I want you to meet Rob so why don't you go take a shower first and we'll leave after?"
"Do I have to?" I groan, pushing my head back on the pillow. Sara gives me her usual controlling look. "How come you don't have to?"
"I'll shower when I get back. But you kinda smell, baby." I neglect the pet name and focus on the part of me producing an odious smell. Sometimes I feel disgusting and sometimes I feel that Sara's just too honest. Plenty of times when Sara's breath almost killed me in the morning and I haven't commented on it, but if I just start to smell Sara has to tell me about it. I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing but it definitely makes me feel embarrassed.
Sara's mum gives both of us grilled cheese sandwiches before we leave the house. It makes me feel like a teenager living in this house with my own family and Sara's just my irritating, perfectionist sister whom I love and hate to be around. Lucifer and Joy beg Sara to tag along. Lucifer more than Joy, he doesn't leave her foot and meows too loud until Jessica takes him away. Sara's housekeeper is smoking outside. She waves hi to Sara and I.
We walk in the cold for only five minutes till we reach an apartment complex. Rob lives here with his girlfriend. She's the one who opens the door for us and scans the two of us with judgmental eyes. Rob makes an annoying cheery noise when he sees Sara. He hugs her and lifts her off the ground for a second until she threatens to kick him in the balls if he doesn't put her down.
"So this must be the one and only Tegan." He gives me his hand to shake and I do.
"Hey. Nice to meet you," I say with a smile.
"You too." He smiles at me.
"You kind of look like Sara. Are you related?" Rob's girlfriend asks.
"Thalia, they're sleeping together." Sara coughs awkwardly while looking at me from a peripheral vision.
I cannot lie and say that I like Rob and I definitely cannot lie and say I like Thalia. They're both okay but the entire time I'm sitting there hearing him and Sara catch up I can feel myself dozing off. As much as Sara tries to get me in the conversation, I feel more of an outsider the way Thalia probably does. Sara and Rob have inside jokes and so much music talk and memories that combine them. I feel like Sara and I do not share all of these things. It makes me a bit jealous. I can also sense the looks of love the guy has for Sara. Even the way he touches her hand while handing her a drink makes her flinch and makes her cheeks redden. It's like everybody's insanely in love with Sara and nobody but Emy's twisted self is in love with me. And even Emy, she's also in love with Sara as well as me.
"You weren't comfortable there, were you?" Sara asks me on the way back home.
"I just felt out of place. You guys have a lot in common." Sara takes my hand in hers and squeezes my cold skin.
"We're childhood buddies, of course we have things in common." She pauses. "Does it bother you we don't really have much in common?"
"Kind of." I shrug as if it doesn't really bother me that much but it actually does.
"What's the fun of being with someone you know your whole life? It's all exciting and beautiful when you meet someone new and you get to know them. That's the special part of it." Sara gives my hand another squeeze. I've never felt so insecure as I feel around her. And that's how I know I hold a different and an exciting feeling for her.
At dinner we get asked if we're girlfriends again. "No...w...we're good friends," Sara says again to her father.
Jane bursts in mocking laughter which makes her spit her water in Joy's plate. "Eww. That's disgusting," Joy says. Sara gives Jane her infamous, witch-like, fatal eyes. According to Sara, Jane is just a very sassy, useless, troublesome, and conceited thirty year old that acts as if she's the house owner. Sara's parents feel sorry for her because she's alone in this world and that's why she's still working at the house...even though she does nothing but mocks everybody and smokes secretly in the backyard.
By the time it is night, Sara and I realize we both have the flue. Her mother thinks it's because we walked in the cold. Sara's asthma keeps her up all night and I stay up with her as well. Or maybe that's just jet lag, I'm not sure.
The next couple of days I get more sick and more annoyed. It's a routine that kills me in this household. Everybody wakes up, they have breakfast, they do nothing, they have dinner, they sleep. I'm not sure what causes my sickness to worsen. Maybe I'm bored, maybe I'm angry, maybe that's what falling for someone who cannot see you falling for them feels like.
Each hint I give to Sara is easily ignored with a cold eye. I don't know what happened to Sara but I sense that she's ignoring me by the second. Or maybe that's the clingy side in me that feels this way. It scares me because I don't want to be like my mother.
I isolate myself in Sara's room most of the time on the third day. Sara asks me to go with her to see Rob practice for a gig. I decline because of how tired and stupid I feel. Maybe coming with Sara is a bad idea. My parents haven't even called once to check if I'm alive. Sara's parents are different and it can be the reason why I'm sick. Maybe I'm just super jealous of what she has and what I lack.
Joy begs me to go down and play with her while Sara's out. I object because I don't want her to get sick, but she insists so I go down and try to keep my distance. I start playing with the Lego she has. I start building random things that I'm too dizzy to make sense of. Lucifer is under the coffee table looking at the both of us.
"Here's a lemon juice with honey. You have a terrible cough. I always make it for Sara to get her better." Jessica comes out of nowhere and offers me the glass of juice. I make a face when I hear the honey part. "Pretend it's sugar except much better for your cough. It's not bad, I promise you. It seems that you have the same type of cough as Sara. Try to drink it, dear."
I look at her hand offering the glass and feel too shy to decline again. I take the glass and thank her. She stays in the living room, knitting while watching a soap opera. Lucifer changes his position and sits next to her. I think he's more interested in what she's watching than her.
Whenever I lift my head I notice she's staring at me. When our eyes meet she averts her gaze. I only feel more insecure and annoyed by this. I keep looking at the clock and hope that Sara returns. My chest is aching physically and emotionally that I end up crying alone in the bathroom.
Sara cuddles up to me after her shower that night. I feel her index making soft circles on the back of my neck. The tension is temporarily off my chest in this calm atmosphere that she provides.
"Tell me why you're sad," Sara whispers to my ear.
"I'm not sad," I lie. "I'm just tired." I get a kiss on the back of my head.
"Alright. Let's sleep then." Her words disappoint me more because I was hoping for a better effort from her. Maybe I would have eventually told her about my passion.
In the morning I find myself panting and shaking as I am standing on Sara's bed, right in the corner with her cat nibbling at my feet. I don't know what has happened but I woke up with his monstrous, evil face in my face and I jumped with a high-pitched scream.
In a moment Sara's mum, Joy, Jane, and Sara are all in the room. They're laughing at me as I am shaking and crying trying to get the cat away from me.
"I think that cat has a foot fetish," Jane says as I am squealing and sobbing.
"I didn't know you're that scared of cats. Aww, baby." Sara takes the cat away and hands him to Joy. I begin to calm down and try to breathe. I hear a whistling type of sound with every breath I take, the kind that Sara has. Sara helps me down and keeps me steady by squeezing my naked sides with both hands. That's when I realize I'm in my undergarments and Sara's mother is eyeing the both of us up and down. Also, that's when I realize Sara has called me 'baby' once again and this time I focus on the word as I begin to relax but also tense under Sara's touch.
"It was gonna eat me," I say pathetically. They all laugh at me.
"Pussy doesn't eat you," Sara says, "you eat pussy." Jane gasps and my face heats up.
"Sara," Jessica yells. Now it's very different saying it in front of her mother in a video chat where she's thousands of miles away from us and saying it here where she's standing inches away from us and with me half naked and with Sara's hands rubbing the nakedness of my skin.
"She eats cats?" Joy screams. Jane laughs. "I knew she's a weirdo, she's with Sara of course she is."
"Joy," Sara's mother rebukes with a powerful tone, "don't be rude." Joy shrugs and walks out. "Sara, behave around your sister, please." Sara rolls her eyes. "I also need help with the baking." Sara nods.
Sara kisses both my cheeks when we're finally alone. "I'm sorry about that again. No privacy in this house. Kinda why I don't like it here." I nod and kiss her lips just because I feel like it. She kisses back and takes me in closer. "I miss your body," she whispers through numerous kisses. "God, I miss your touches."
"I'm glad you're sick too so I can kiss you without feeling guilty."
"Mhm." She doesn't listen or say anything. She kisses me more and more till I'm stripped off my sanity, crumbling in my own heat of fever and heat of passion. I close my eyes and let her kiss all that is me; my lips, my jaw, my piercing, my cheeks, my forehead, my neck, behind my ear, my upper chest, and finally my stomach. I pant for her lips to descend down and touch me where I want them the most but she leaves me panting there alone. "I have to go help my mother," she informs me with a tone so cold I'm not used to it. I open my eyes and find harshness in her eyes. "You should rest. You're more sick than I thought you were."
Curiosity kills the cat but it does not kill Tegan. I don't listen to Sara and stay in bed. I decide to walk around the house and change the scenery of Sara's bright room. But while passing by the kitchen I hear my name being said on both tongues which makes me curious. I stop outside and listen.
"You don't really get it," Sara says to her mother.
"I don't care if I get it or not. All I care about is you behaving like an adult not a stupid teenager. These games are not for people your age. A friend is a friend. A girlfriend is a girlfriend."
"It's not like I don't want her to be my girlfriend." Sara is crying. "I told you, I love her, I want to be with her. I broke up with Emy because of her and...uh...she doesn't want that."
"If she doesn't want that then you two shouldn't be sleeping together in the first place. When are you going to grow up?" I hear a loud noise of a plate being slammed against a counter or something hard. I'm not sure if it comes from Sara or her mother but I'm sure by now my heart has jumped to my feet and all the spirits have flown out of me.
"It's complicated. She has issues with love. She doesn't believe in it." Sara fights to win the argument.
I decide I've heard enough and I'm too dizzy to stay standing. My mother told me that eavesdropping is a habit that's going to hurt me. But I believe it has just became a blessing for me. If I haven't heard Sara utter that she feels for me what I feel for her I wouldn't have guessed it in a million years. And she wouldn't have said as well.
I pace to the living room and sit on the sofa. I try to breathe and contain my excitement and absorb the new found information that's possibly going to change many things. I don't want to be mistaken for a heartbreaker and I want to take a chance with the person who actually loves me. Screw my mother and all her failed marriages and relationships. I'm different and Sara's different. I'm already hurting Sara and her family by giving them an idea that I'm someone who fools around. And maybe that was me when I first met her but I know for a fact I haven't looked at any woman in a sexual way since I started feeling things for Sara. Even Emy cannot compare. And as for the intimacy in the passion I feel for her, then I can be sure I have never felt it before towards any human being but Sara. I'm not scared. I'm simply ecstatic and ready to tell her. But I have to let myself feel it all, repeating her words and waiting for her and myself to calm down till we sit in silence so I can reveal it.
While I'm thinking and thinking and thinking and smiling to myself, Joy comes up to me and asks me to build her a Lego house like the one I've built the previous day. I do it without thinking of what I'm doing. The kid is blabbering about things that I don't even bother to hear. My sickness is all forgotten as I feel myself getting high on the idea of being in love. It's that Utopian idea I thought I could never reach. Being loved is actually more exciting than being in love. Both complete my circle of fantasy. I feel like a Disney princess swaying in her room and daydreaming about her prince charming. I feel like a wasted poet high on opium and his beloved. I feel like a kid. I feel fresh and nauseous all at the same time.
Whenever I want to see Sara I cannot catch her. It's as if I'm in a maze and I'm chasing her. I don't find her in the kitchen when I go there.
"Do you want me to help you with the baking?" I ask her mother out of politeness when I see her decorating the cookies.
"I think you should go rest, dear. You sound tired." I don't even feel my own illness worsening because that doesn't bother me anymore. I know my voice is horrible and I am pale and frail-looking, but I'm too happy to even care or feel the pain that's in my throat and my chest.
"Where's Sara?" I ask again. I want to catch her, kiss her, tell her, and dance with her. I want to be a kid with her.
"I don't know. She's somewhere around the house for sure though," Jessica answers me dryly. I wish I can just tell her how in love I am with her daughter. But I have to tell the daughter first.
Sara's neither in her room nor in the bathroom. Jane doesn't let me go outside and search for her. She searches for me instead and tells me she couldn't find her. Sara has evaporated. My anxiety builds me up into drawing plots of things going wrong. I rub my forehead and try to wake up in case it's a dream I'm in. I think and worry and almost lose hope until I find Sara in the dining room alone. Nothing told me to look there, but I opened the door anyway because I needed to be in an isolated space with no one to find me. But I find Sara there instead.
I smile at her with giddy eyes. She pushes her chair and stands up. She walks up to me. I close the door and smile wider. I notice her blood-shot eyes but my smile doesn't fade. Everything in me is screaming the famous sentence I hear and read about. Everything in me is ripping it out of my mouth.
"I love you." Everything in me claps when I say it with my hoarse but confident voice. I swallow the lump in my aching throat and wait for her.
"Wha...what?" She squints her eyes at me.
"I fucking love you, idiot." I grab her shoulders. "How many hints do I have to give? Do I have to scream it? Do I have to cry it? You couldn't get it? I fucking love you and I feel so fucking good about saying it." I start tearing up due to my excitement.
Sara start's laughing. Not the mocking kind of laughter. It's the laughter that shows she's in a state of disbelief. "Tegan!" Her nervous giggles make me want to kiss her. "You really do?" I nod. "I love you too," she says. "Oh my God, this is not a dream. I'm gonna cry." She hugs me and pecks my lips. "Oh my God."
"I feel so...as if...I mean..." She kisses me to shut me up. The right words are is that I feel as if I am in a chick flick. I always felt that around her. As much as it makes me cringe when I think of it, as much as I love it. It's easy being around her and with her.
"I was just..." She shakes her head. "Do you really love me? Like that love?"
"Yes." I don't take time to think. "The truth is," I bite my upper lip then continue, "I kinda heard what you and your mum said to each other. I didn't think you had feelings for me. I thought I was just your fun buddy." I raise an eyebrow. "I'm sorry about that, but at the same time I am not. I needed to know you felt for me what I felt for you because I never thought I'd admit it. I just felt unworthy of your love just this morning when you were kissing me. I've been so jealous lately of everyone you talked to. I've been in a bad mood. I've been annoyed and pissed and upset. I just want to be with you and be loved by you. I just want to be your girlfriend and experience what's it like to be in love."
"Wow," Sara says. "I didn't know you felt that way. I felt the same. I felt like you just wanted me for my body and for the good time. I was so scared you'll just find someone else to have sex with and leave me." Sara wraps her arms around my waist. "I want to be your girlfriend, Tegan. I've always wanted it. It made me angry that you couldn't see it or understand it."
"But I did. I mean, I do. I see it and understand it. This is just so new to me and it's overwhelming and exciting. I just want to go to your mother and be like...hey look, we're girlfriends, I'm not just here for the pussy." Sara slaps my arm. "Sorry. But you know what I mean."
"I do." She kisses me. "We're girlfriends now." She kisses me again. "I'll make your life a living hell." She kisses me a third time after the threat. "And you'll love every piece of it." I'm kissed again. "Go tell Jessica you're not here for the pussy."
"Are you serious?" She giggles. "See, I'm here for the pussy, but for the other perks as well." I wink at her. "You know, the cuddling, the kissing, the package of no privacy that comes along." She slaps my arm once again.
It would be such a terrific time to have sex with her, but definitely not in this household where everybody hasn't learned the manner of knocking. Sara has been biting her lips since we told each other we loved each other. Her face is flushed and her eyes have sparkling diamonds in them. It's as if she's a teenager. But I am just too worried that my happiness might end at any minute. I think she can sense it because she doesn't let go of me the entire time we're watching TV or playing with Joy. Even when Lucifer wants to sit on her lap, she doesn't let him do that so I won't be pushed away. I wouldn't blame the cat if he hates me, I've taken his mother away apparently. Maybe that's why he was nibbling at my foot in the morning.
At dinner I get my proof that Lucifer is a jealous pet that wants me out of the house. Sara and I get seated at the end of the table with our own food so we wouldn't pass the flue to anyone. Lucifer decides to sit next to Sara as if he's a functioning human in this family. I can build on the theory that Sara is a witch and he's her evil cat, but that theory was just my mind telling me to make up any excuse not to believe I've fallen for Sara. So I just eat my food in silence and assume Lucifer is just the devil as his name tells.
It's not the Christmas Eve I've imagined with my own parents and myself, happy, laughing, drinking, and eating. It is actually way better...even while sitting way far with nobody around us. But I have Sara right next to me and there's nothing more that I want. My my mother would be happy knowing I have a girlfriend. I wish they'd just get over me not wanting to visit them and speak to me.
"Mum, dad, the irrelevant rest...not you Lucifer," Sara says, "and not Tegan as well for sure." She giggles while looking at me.
"That's so rude," Jane whispers.
"What is it Sara?" Sander asks.
"I have an announcement."
"Oh God," her dad says again.
"You failed your classes," Joy says.
"You dropped out of university, honey?" Jessica asks.
"They kicked you out of university, didn't they?" Sander says.
"You're pregnant," Jane jumps in. Everybody turns their faces and looks at her. "I'm joking," she says. "I was just dropping some theories of what disappointment Sara could have done."
"None," Sara shouts. I place my hand on her thigh. "Have a little faith in me, people." She rolls her eyes.
"Honey, we do. It's just that you always deliver bad news on evenings like this," Jessica says. Last Christmas you decided to tell us you failed three classes out of the four you were taking."
"Okay, fair enough." Sara takes a deep breath then says again. "I actually have different things to tell you. None are disappointing...hopefully." She giggles nervously. "First of all, I actually have passed all my five subjects this semester." Gasps and wide eyes are all over the place. "And with really fucking high marks. Like, dad, the lowest grade I have is a B...Can you fucking believe it? I've never gotten a B and now it's the lowest grade I have." More cheering from her family. Her dad's face is red and I think he's going to cry. I honestly don't understand why he cares so much about her grades or if she went to university or dropped out. I believe Sara is smart and can do whatever she wants to do without her having to have a degree or get good marks. "The other thing is..." Sara looks at me and I nod. It feels as if we're about to tell them about us getting married. It's making my stomach cry with butterflies. "I'm moving in with Tegan." Everybody is now staring at me. "In a very small apartment...but close to the university. Uh..."
"Why do you want to move in?" Jessica asks.
"You don't have a job to move in an apartment," Sander adds.
"Because Tegan is my girlfriend and she asked me to move in with her." Silence. Scary, awkward, embarrassing silence.
"She doesn't have to pay. I work and I've got the money," I say timidly.
"No, dear. No," Jessica says. "That's not fair for you."
"No, it's not," Sara's dad says. "We'll help. We can do that so we're going to do it."
"Dad_"
"We're proud of you. We're happy that you've gotten good grades and you're moving into something serious, hopefully." Sara nods. "We'll help you now until you graduate and find a job."
"I thought you guys were only friends just this morning?" Jessica asks with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, we were...kinda." Sara giggles. "See, an hour can change many things." Her face is ruby red and her mother's face is as equally flushed.
I never thought things could go so easy for us. I'm only hoping they stay this way. It feels natural and it feels beautiful. What if life hits me from where I'm not looking? What if something terrible happens? What if Sara stops loving me one morning? What if I stop loving her? My mother's past has been full of injuries that I cannot let my mind rest the entire time I'm in bed waiting for Sara to finish her shower and join me. When she's around everything seems easy, when she's not my mind gets fuzzy with thoughts that perplex me.
And what about Emy? What about what Sara and I have talked about? Will it still happen? Or is that deal broken now that we're in a relationship together? Even the sound of it is so sweet when I pronounce it in my head. A relationship. A tie. Two people together. With each other. In love...with each other.
The lamp on Sara's nightstand is switched on by Sara herself. I look to my side and watch her in her green towel and in her matching hair wrap towel. She smiles at me weakly and dries her hair with the material.
"Why are you naked?" I ask teasingly as I roll onto my side. "It's kinda cold and you're already sick. Shouldn't leave yourself wet." She shakes her head with little laughter. "Or your hair. Seriously, babe, you're sick."
"It's fine. I'll get hot in a bit." She throws the hair towel on a beanbag and lets the drenched strands of hair rest on her damp shoulders. She bites her lower lip and, in one quick movement, rids herself off her towel. I stare with dilated orbs at her beauty. My breath hitches when I notice the attachment on her crotch. She joins me in bed with a long sigh.
"Your parents," I say. "They'll hear. I don't feel comfortable with that." The more I push my body towards the wall, the closer she pushes hers towards me.
"They won't. Be quiet and they won't. I really want you. I want to touch you. You never let me touch you." It's true. The only time she has touched me was during that threesome. After that I was the one always giving her what she wanted and refusing her touches. I was just too delighted to feel her body under my taste buds and feel her skin with the touch of my palms.
"What if someone bursts in on us?" I say after a kiss she places on my temple.
"I locked the door. Everyone's asleep, don't worry." She adds more kisses. "Let me show you how I like to make love." With a rush she straddles me, pulling the duvet above us. "I love to do it in the dark and feel all of it. I want you to feel with your eyes closed. I want you to understand." She deprives me of my ability to speak with her tender kisses all over my face. My stomach is too excited that it's going to experience sex with love. Soft, slow sex.
Sara's kisses are maddeningly refined and soft. I don't feel her stripping me until I'm stark naked under her body. We both giggle when I feel the maroon phallus between my legs, poking at my entrance. She lifts herself up and takes my neck between her lips. Her kisses sway me into a tranquil rhythm. She's good at everything she does and she hasn't done much yet. Where her mouth is tasting my upper half, her fingers are brushing the hair that I haven't shaved or thought of shaving. And while my cheeks are burning with bashful heat, my heart is at peace and in a state of carelessness.
I thought she'd push her hands away, make a comment, or be repulsed. She didn't do any of that. She doesn't stop feeling the hair on my mound and pulling at it while sucking at a sweet spot I never thought I've had on my neck. She spends more time nipping and sucking where my clavicles are than anybody has ever done to me. She fondles my breasts with her other hand. She builds me up well till I start to pool and pant for her touch.
She lifts her head up and kisses my lips again. We fall into a sea of desire as she French kisses me with brave dominance I never thought she owned. Her nails are grazing my inner thighs. She knows how to tease and it kills me.
When in need for breath, she lets go and says, "Loving you is so easy." It's as if she knows what I think of. "It's...like, it's destined for me to love you. It just happened like that. As if you were sent to make my life beautiful." I don't know how to say these words. I'm not used to them being said to me. Even though I feel them I cannot seem to get them out of my lips. "Relax." She laughs, steadying my shaking thighs. "Don't think too much. Relax. It's okay we do it with a strap-on, right?"
"Yes." My voice is a stranger to me. It's deep and desperate. "Can you lube it if I'm not wet enough though?" She giggles and sits up beside me. She pushes the duvet away and spreads my now bent knees.
"You're nice and beautifully soaked," she says. "But I'll use lube." I nod at her. This time I just want to feel good without any sting or pain. I just want pure bliss.
I watch her lubricate the toy that I only once used on her and add more to my vulva. I shudder when her fingers touch my lips for a minute, stroking and inspecting. She pushes herself on top of me and covers the two of us once again. Her lips find my breasts and she starts giving soft licks to my nipples, one after the other.
"No...no...It hurts, baby." She lifts her head up again and pecks my lips. "I'm extra sensitive today. The piercing has been bothering me since the morning."
"It's okay," she whispers and pecks me again. "I'm sorry."
Even though Sara's gentle and sweet in every move she makes, she's still as dominant and in power as Emy has described her. She just knows what she's doing. It's not about how hard she pushes or how loud she makes me scream, it's about these small touches that make me lose it. I think her being a giant tease is a huge element in her being in control. When she pushes in me she does it slowly while sucking at my neck. I feel the pleasure like fireworks in my entire body. She knows exactly how to move her hips and all I do is try to meet hers by bucking my own hips. She knows when to stop and when to go at a quick pace. She knows how to reach the deepest parts of me. I surrender to her body taking me to places I've never been and close my eyes to feel every small feeling.
Her breaths are heavy and I can feel their heat all over my chest. Her hair is still damp and her body's heated. I take a hold of her back and scratch with every thrust. She shushes my squeals and rubs my sides as she moves with ease inside of me.
"Look at me," she says. I open my eyes and find her eyes dilated, staring at mine. "How does it feel?" I scratch more and add a pinch, she giggles and pushes harder.
"Good." My lips are cracked due to over biting. "So good...God, I...I..." I squeal again and she takes my lips in hers to mute me.
"I can feel your walls tightening." And I can feel them as well because I'm close. "I'd love to tease but I don't want to torture you."
"You've already teased enough." I bury my face in her chest and start sucking whatever I find to stop myself from screaming. She giggles and pushes my head closer to her.
"I love you," she says breathlessly. "I never thought I'd love you." I kiss her chest and palm her breast.
"Sara." I bite at the skin. "Please, please, Sara..." I feel myself losing it. I feel the tip of the toy moving inside of me, touching areas nobody has reached. Or maybe they have but I never paid attention. Sara encircles me and wraps her arms around me as she thrusts with all that in her. She shushes my whimpers softly and tries to muffle my sounds by pushing my head in her chest. I'm half sitting now, lost in the scent of her skin and in the scent of the love that we're making.
I've never thought sweaty sex under darkness and blankets would make me feel so much. While being exposed and watching everything is nice, this one is more about the feeling, the beating heart, and the innocent affection that one feels.
The sounds of our entangled bodies and Sara's pounding entrance me and pull me into the orgasm I'm searching for. I fall down on the pillow not feeling my hips, tired, and panting with an aching chest. Before I'm able to process what's around me I feel the pleasure again with a tongue licking the sensitiveness of my clit.
I'm glad it's not over and I'm glad she's giving me more. I'm glad she's down on me and I'm spread for her to eat and taste. It's hard to believe she hasn't done that much because her tongue is performing art on my pussy. She starts with broad strokes between my slit then circles the tip of her tongue over the hood of my clit. I wriggle and writhe underneath her but her small hands work more efficiently than they seem to be; she presses my thighs on her mattress and begins to suck on my clit.
My hands find the sheets and I start pulling. Whenever I try to hump her face or arch my back she pushes me down. Her tongue tastes each part of my pussy, biting gently at my labia then back giving left and right strokes to my clit.
I don't take too long this time. I reach for a hand and bite on two of her fingers. When I do she returns to her routine of sucking then soft licking till I lose it once again and come for the second time. She cleans me well till I can't endure it, but before I could push her face, she sits up. It always seems as if she knows what I feel.
I move the duvet and stare at her chest rising up and down. She pushes her hair out of her face and lets out a relieved sigh. She smiles at me and I smile back. I look at her hands toying with the harness. I sit up and help her get out of it. I get caught by a kiss from her. I smile into the kiss and feel her giggling quietly.
Sara gets up to put the sex toy away. I lie back down and as I do, I begin to feel different types of pain in my back, my lower abdomen, slightly between my legs, my chest, and my throat. I feel a wave of chilliness attack me so I pull the duvet above my body. Sara joins me, not leaving much distance between us.
"Did you like that?" she asks me.
"Of course I did," I mumble into her chest. "You gotta stop being so insecure. I love everything you do." And maybe I should be more vocal about what I like since it seems that I have to tell her for her to believe it. "I love you."
"I'll never get tired of hearing it." She kisses my head.
"I really didn't know you're such a top. You wear the pants, Sasa." She starts laughing. "I'm sorry I didn't touch you though."
"No, it's fine. It's all about you tonight."
"I'd love to touch you...but I'm kinda really tired." I feel slightly selfish but I know she understands.
"I wouldn't let you even if you offered. It's all about you tonight. You've been touching me for over two weeks." She kisses my head again. "I'm just happy to be with you. You have no idea."
"I think I do." I squeeze her side. "Who knew it would end up like this!"
"I feel like I'm dreaming."
"Me too," I tell her. "But I know I'm not. I mean that orgasm...oh God...I don't think I can dream of such an orgasm." I love making her giggle. I love it so much.
We talk more nonsense, flirt, and tease each other with calm words a bit more until both of us lose our energy to the power of sleep. Everything feels too good to be true and I'm scared I'll wake up not finding what I have now here in front of me. I'm scared of what my future holds. I wish I'd pause this moment and repeat it whenever I want. I wish I'd sleep forever in her arms.