Sara
It takes me about five minutes to realize that Tegan has been calling my name for the past...well, five minutes. At first I thought it was part of my dream, now I realize it is definitely reality. My eyes are widely staring at Tegan's face sitting above me. I have yet to figure out where am I and which year are we.
With more shaking from her hands I become aware that this is the 25th of December, the year is 2004, it's most certainly dawn, we're in my room, I'm naked and cold. I close my eyes and open them again.
"Sara...Sara, wake up. It's urgent." I blink once more. "Please, Sara." I move my hand and rub my eyes. "I just need something and you can go back to sleep." I squint both eyes and groan. "Ya, you see, I kinda started my period and you have no tampons."
I groan more and cover my face with the duvet. "Pretty sure there's a full box of pads in my bahtroom."
"That's not tampons. I need tampons." I groan once again.
I just want to sleep.
"There's no tampons. We don't have fucking tampons."
"I can't use a pad. I hate pads. They give me a rash and they're so fucking disgusting."
"We don't have tampons," I repeat again with a louder tone.
Last night we had sex. It's hard to believe it when she's nagging in my ears at the moment and all I want to do is punch her in her stupid face.
"What about Jane?" Tegan asks.
"I don't know. Go fucking check and leave me alone."
And that's how I almost went back to my peaceful slumber till Tegan, the most annoying girlfriend (and I really love the sound of that in my head no matter how annoying she is), rushes in the room again.
"She has no tampons. Why don't you use tampons? I need them right now."
I remove my duvet and sigh with frustration. "Where am I going to get you that? Use a fucking pad right now and we'll get you tampons in the morning. Why didn't you get any with you if you desperately have to push a piece of cotton inside of your vagina?"
She pouts her lips at me. I close my eyes for a second and rest my head down on the pillow again. "Because I wasn't supposed to have another period till we're back. I was done with it like ten days ago. Don't you remember?"
I am supposed to start today or tomorrow. I guess our periods got synchronized. "Oh," I say. "Well use what's there now and stop annoying me."
"Fuck you," Tegan says then leaves my room. When she returns again I have to release another sigh indicating how angry I am that each time I almost fall asleep she comes to the room making sounds of irritation. "How can you even move in this? It's like wearing a dirty diaper." She hops onto the matress and sleeps right beside me again.
"Tampons are disgusting as well. It's basically dirt stuck inside your vagina, literally inside. One day you'll get an infection and I'll laugh at you." I turn around and look at her, once again, pouty face under the red light of the lamp.
"Shut up," she whispers. "I've never heard of anyone who got an infection because of a tampon." But I did...and she needn't know about it.
"Just sleep," I whisper back.
Oddly enough, Tegan moves her body and cuddles up to me. She wraps her arms around me and places her head on my chest. I can hear her panting and whistling chest. It's the melody that pulls me back to another sleep until I wake up once again in the early morning. The clock beside me declaring it's 7:18 in the morning. I yawn and look at Tegan's head pressed right where it has been since we both went to sleep once again. I stroke her hair for awhile until I remember that my bladder is pleading for me to empty it.
I don't know what makes me think it is a brilliant idea, but it's probably the same place that always gives me not so brilliant ideas whispered to me my ability to skip naked to the bathroom, thinking nobody is going to see me because nobody is awake.
After peeing and cleaning the dildo I used on Tegan last night, I open the door in order to sneakily take that one step back to my room in shameful nudity, except, of course, I see my little sister standing at the door with her hand near her crotch and her legs wiggling as she waits for me to finish. My chest drops and I gasp. She laughs loudly and covers her mouth. I close the door right away leaving only my face peeking from the slit I keep apart. I hide the toy behind my back, hoping she hasn't seen a glimpse of it.
"You're naked," Joy declares. "I saw you naked." She points and laughs. I glare at her.
"What are you doing here?" I whisper, not attempting to wake any other person to witness my nudity.
"It's Christmas," she says as if I don't know. "And I have to pee," she whines in my ears.
"We have five bathrooms in this house and you had to pee here?" I huff.
"Why are you naked?" She raises one eyebrow and places both hands on her hips. "Is Tegan naked too? Were you naked together? I'll go see Tegan." Kids are annoying, disturbing, little monsters from hell whom I very much do not tolerate at this age...or any age after three till eighteen.
"If you go there I'll kill you." I thought this little devil had to pee. Now she's taking my privacy away. She mocks me with frustrating laughter and walks to my room.
I'm pretty positive Tegan is dressed now after her own scene a few hours ago, so I'm not really worried. My problem is with this toy...and the fact that the harness is still in the room on the damn floor.
I take two towels, wrapping one around my person and one to hide the dildo inside. I fold it into many layers that the phallus cannot even be suspected inside. I walk to my room and see what I expected to see, my sister toying with the harness. I take it away from her and throw it in my closet.
"What's that?" she asks curiously.
"Just something that...umm...it was attached to the suitcase. Go out now. I need to get dressed." I start pushing her out of my room.
She gasps childishly. "In front of Tegan?" When I was ten, I thought that grown ups could get naked in front of each other. I didn't know what they used to do. But I knew it's okay if they were naked in front of each other. My sister seems to be even more clueless than I was.
"She's asleep. She won't see." I push her till she's out of my room and close then lock the door behind her. I sit on my mattress and sigh. I look back at Tegan's peaceful face and remember why I'm so happy. I lie beside her as my hands admiringly brush her hair.
I fall asleep once again and wake up when I feel a body shifting next to me. I open my eyes and find Tegan yawning beside me. I sit up and look at my naked body once again. The towel is under my skin and Tegan is seated beside me. She smirks as soon as she notices the bashfulness and wonder that comes after realizing I'm being watched by her.
"Last night was impressive and beautiful...but seeing your body like this in the morning sun is just amazing." She lets out a sigh.
"What do you mean by impressive? Did you think I'm that bad in bed?" I jump at her with defensive remarks. She furrows her brows.
"No," she says with a powerful octave, but still scratchy nonetheless. "I meant I never experienced love making...in the dark, like that."
"Oh," I say. My hand is toying with a a stray thread from my duvet. "Sorry," I whisper.
We keep silent for some time. She's so beautiful and I feel so angry and frustrated for no reason other than the fact I'm probably heavily PMSing.
"I feel so bloated," she says as she holds her tummy. "Look." She laughs. "I can play with it." I look at her little bloated tummy and then at mine. I look down at my swollen breasts and erect nipples. A sense of self-consciousness hits me, planting goosebumps all over my skin. I cover my body with the towel once again and look up at Tegan's wandering eyes. "Are you okay?"
"I just got cold," I say.
"You're really bloated too. Your tits are like a size bigger," Tegan comments.
I look up at her again and attack, "Do you mean to say I'm fat?"
"What?" she says. "No." I stand up and start searching for clothes to cover all my my body parts. "I didn't mean to say that...I thought...I'm sorry."
I search for my sports bra around and find it on Tegan's own body. "Is that my sports bra?" I walk up to her.
She looks down at her chest. "No, that's mine."
"No. That's mine. I'm pretty sure it's mine. I only brought one and this is mine." Maybe my tone comes out bitchy but it's too late to take my words back; Tegan takes off the bra and throws it at me. "Keep it. I don't want it." I roll my eyes because anger seems the right thing right now.
Tegan starts crying while I dress my person. Good thing I grabbed a hoodie and sweatpants. Just shitty clothes for a shitty mood and a shitty day. I look back at Tegan and sigh. I walk up to her in an attempt to kiss her cheek and say I'm sorry but she pushes me away. "Just don't." She pulls the duvet up and covers her naked chest. "I'm so annoyed with you. You keep thinking I smell and I'm disgusting and I'm repulsive to the degree you couldn't bear your bra touching my skin. I thought you loved me."
I take a step back and rethink my actions. It seems that as much as I grow I'm still rude and bitchy when treating others. Emy sustained that fault in me, but I think Tegan doesn't like it, especially now that we're dating. My words fail me, they escape my lips without me thinking much of them. And when anger is making ninety percent of my body mass, it means I have no control over my tongue nor even my tears. And that's why I'm crying now.
"I'm so sorry," I whisper pathetically. "I love you for sure...I didn't mean to...I...I'm sorry." There's no excuse to what I have said or done or always do, so I'm left speechless and full of guilt. "I'm not disgusted by you. I really love you...Tegan, please, please don't be mad at me." I cry like a pathetic child. I start making sounds that are possibly irritating.
"It's fine." She starts discarding the sheets off my bed as I stand there looking at her. "Merry Christmas, Sara," she says.
"I'll give it to Jane." I take the bed sheet from her hands.
"There's some blood on it. Not much. I just was naked when I_"
"I know. It's okay." I watch her grab another sports bra and put it on. She holds her temples and rubs them as she leans against my dresser. She begins to cough and pant for air. "Are you okay?"
"It doesn't seem like my flue's getting better." I hand her a hoodie too. I see a ghost of a smile making itself present on her lips when I hand her sweatpants as well. But soon it disappears when our eyes meet.
"I just thought you'd want to be comfortable."
"Isn't this your sweatpants?" She looks at the black material and I nod. She puts it on immediately, passing a quick smirk my way. She zips up her black hoodie and coughs once again.
"Merry Christmas to you too," I say but she doesn't answer. She leaves the room and half-waves without looking at me.
Jane enters after a few minutes with our clean laundry. "I should be appreciated more around here for doing your laundry in Christmas."
"You've done that yesterday and you just remembered to bring it here." I wipe the creases off the new sheets with a swift movement of my palm over them.
"Because some people are too lazy to come and take their clean clothes from the laundry room."
"Merry Christmas, Jane." I roll my eyes at her. While looking back I notice a small black fabric on top of the pile. I walk up to Jane and take the sports bra and look at it closely, realizing it is my bra and the one Tegan was wearing is hers indeed. "Shit," I mutter.
"What's wrong?" Jane asks. I shake my head.
I lower my voice when I notice there's nobody around and ask, "Got any new information?"
"Mhm," she says. "All comes with its price."
"I got you what you want. Now tell me." Just then Tegan enters my room again.
"Your mum wants you down," Tegan says, a little bit too dryly to my liking. She leaves once again.
"I'll tell later. I have to prepare breakfast for your family." Jane leaves as well.
She's the one who has been secretly helping me to find out information about my birth mother. She knows how to get her information and I know how to pay her...with cigarettes and expensive lingerie she can wear when she's with her boyfriend. My parents can't know about our deal because I promised them I won't search again after all attempts have failed. But I'm still determined to find at least one relative even if my birth parents aren't alive. I mean, how far can a sibling, a cousin, an aunt, or a grandmother be? The world isn't too far and big now with technology.
I find my mother in the dinning room alone, putting plates in front of each chair. She tells me to close the door and I do so. I walk up to her and start placing the spoons, knives, and forks on the sides.
"Merry Christmas?" Her silence is scaring me.
"Merry Christmas," she answers. She looks up at me and motions for me to sit. I sit down and she in the opposite direction. "I wanted to get Tegan to join but I don't want to embarrass her."
"With?" I fold my hands against my chest.
"Sara, how old are you exactly?"
"Twenty four if my age is correct." I shrug.
"It is," she says reassuringly. "So since you're twenty four I assume you know too well not to behave like a careless teenager around the house with your girlfriend?" I'm praying to all the gods, angels, and devils that she doesn't know Tegan and I had sex last night. I'm praying to everything she hasn't heard us.
"Of course," I say after swallowing.
"Good," my mum says. "So why did I hear you were walking naked around the house with your girlfriend?" My jaw drops...it literally does drop. "Your sister is ten for God's sake. Have some respect."
"Oh my God," I shout. "That's so not what fucking happened." When I get defensive, I slam things...and poor plate, I didn't mean to slam you against the table.
"Tone it down."
"Mum, what the fuck! That motherfucker said something wrong. I was in the bathroom and, yes, I was naked but that's because I had to pee and nobody was awake so I went naked, okay?" My mum has her forehead pressed against her palm. I'm not making this any better. "So I opened the door and Joy was there. I didn't know she was gonna wake up. It was like, I don't know, six fucking AM, like, I didn't know."
"Walk naked all you want when you're living in your own house, not with other people, not when there's a child."
"Wait...Tegan was not even naked. She was asleep and fully dressed. And Joy is a little spoiled brat who is not raised well." I slam a fork and lean back against the chair, indicating I have made my point. "I just had to pee."
"Next time do not repeat that. I'm happy for you and I'm glad you have a girlfriend, I'm just not happy about my child seeing all of that. She's ten."
"I get it. She's ten. Maybe it's time she knows what grown ups do. Or maybe it's time you teach her to knock before she enters someone's room and to respect someone's privacy. Or are all the rules broken because she's little Joy? She's the real deal and I'm just someone who showed up at your door one day."
"Wow." My mum stands up. "I didn't know you thought of your parents like that. Thanks, Sara. You just made my day."
I seem to be making everyone's day today.
I don't know what kind of monster that has invaded me but it sure seems to be taking turns on everyone in this household. Soon it will be dad I'm snapping at, then Jane, then Joy, then my own person. Or wait, maybe it's a perfect time to cry and throw a meaningless tantrum simply because I feel choked and bothered with everything, even with myself.
Merry fucking Christmas, Sara Unknown. All these years and you're still desperately clinging to a hope of finding those who birthed you and threw you while neglecting those who love you. What a great gift brought to this world you are, magnificent.
...
"But why can't I take these? Those are not working," Tegan asks mum in the kitchen.
Breakfast was bitter and nasty...metaphorically. Presents exchange was more awkward than ever. Everybody brought Tegan gifts. She seemed genuinely happy. But then there was me with my signature scowl. Nobody dared to talk to me. It's like I'm PMSing for both Tegan and I.
Now we're in the kitchen. Cramps have already started their evil course towards my uterus, making me gulp all kinds of painkillers and drink three cups of coffee. My mother insists that's no good but I never listen anyway. Tegan is trying to find a replacement to her flue medicines. She's asking mum if she can take mine.
"These are Sara's. They're different. She has asthma. They won't be good for you. I think they're too strong." Tegan pouts her lips. "Keep chugging that lemon juice and you'll be better." I doubt it. Tegan seems more sick than she has been. She can barely open her eyes. "Why don't you go rest?"
"I should." Tegan looks at me sipping my coffee.
"Do you want me to make you a cup?" I ask. Tegan nodes. I finally smile...just because it's Tegan. "Alright. Go to bed and I'll be there in a few."
"How about I make both of you hot chocolate with marshmallows?" mum says when Tegan leaves.
"I want, I want," Joy shouts excitedly.
"Alright, alright." Mum laughs.
"Well," I say, "Tegan does love hot chocolate more than coffee." I tilt my head to the side. "And yes, I'd like one too." Mum smiles at me.
I go up to my room while mum makes our hot chocolate for us. I find Tegan on the telephone. Even though she has a habit of listening to me speaking with others, I don't like this habit, therefore I go to the bathroom instead. Of course, I have to make another turn back to my room to grab an underwear when I discover I have started my period. Tegan is still on the telephone. She gives me a funny look when she sees me there again, then laughs silently when she realizes why I keep coming and going. When I go back to my room, I see my mother there with Tegan. I take my own cup and lie beside Tegan on my bed.
"Tonight we're going out...It's a family dinner. Don't you guys forget," mum says. Lucifer is going in circles around her feet. "Stupid cat. Get away from me." Lucifer meows and looks up at her. "Go to Sara. Go, go." Tegan jumps immediately.
Lucifer, as if he heard I bear all yummy types of cat food, he runs to me right away. I put my cup down and begin to pet his dark fur.
In silence, all I hear is my cat purring, Tegan's wheezing chest, and the soft sipping of the hot drink we're drinking. I look at Tegan's flushed face and gently stroke her cheeks. She closes her eyes and opens them again. Her skin is high in temperature and she seems to be dealing with too much exhaustion.
"It sucks so bad being really sick and having your period. It's like God is angry at me or something." I release a small chuckle. Lucifer meows at Tegan. "Yes, Luci? You agree?" He meows again.
"Wanna try to pet him?" Tegan gives me a little shoulder shake. "He's nice." She does it again. "Fine," I mutter. "Were you talking to your mum?" She nods.
"I miss her so much. I feel like crying." She laughs as a tear rolls down her pale face. "Extra emotional."
"At least not extra bitchy." I sigh. "I'm sorry about this morning."
Tegan nodes, sneaking her hand to my thigh. "I should have known you're having your regular Sara PMS." I slap her hand with a laugh.
"I don't have that."
"You really do." She takes another sip. "This is the best hot chocolate I've had." I lean forward and kiss the side of her lips where drops of the drink have collected there. She giggles when I let go.
"I'll let her teach me how to make it this good and I'll always make you hot chocolate in our new place." I smile widely at her. She sneaks her hand once again down the duvet, this time past my hoodie where she starts massaging the hot skin of my tummy. "Do you like coming here? Or do you regret it?"
"Of course I don't regret it," Tegan says. "I just really miss my mum and dad and wish I can see them. But mum said she'll try her best to visit if she ever could."
"I'm glad you guys made up." I put my cup down on the nightstand and reach for her hair. I collect every strand in one hand and remove my elastic purple hair band from my hair then gently collect her hairs in a small bun the same as the one I had. Lucifer jumps from my lap onto hers and she freezes. I shush her and hold her arms while she tries to control her breathing. "Easy, Teetee." She whimpers and looks down at the cat looking up at her. "See! He's a good boy. He's not gonna hurt you. He just likes you."
"Or he's jealous and wants revenge," Tegan says with her hoarse voice. "He's probably activating all his evil satanic powers on me. It's probably why I'm dying."
"You gotta stop believing what you see in cartoons."
"Nah. That shit is real," Tegan insists.
Soon after all my attempts fail at making Tegan get comfortable enough to touch my cat, she ends up sleeping till I wake her up in the evening. She whines a bit about going out and I join her as we both get dressed.
"You didn't get me tampons," Tegan says as she leans against the dresser watching me getting angry with my hair.
"I didn't go out," I say. "You survived a whole day with a pad. You can do it."
"Ugh." She stomps off around the room.
"You sound like a preteen who has just begun menstruating." Family dinners are not my favourite. My parents are embarrassing. But it seems to be Tegan's wish, so I'm excited for her.
"That's because it's exactly how I feel," she says angrily.
Jane doesn't join us because she's spending tonight with her boyfriend. My fear is that Jane leaves if her boyfriend asks her to move in with him. He works in Ottawa and lately they've been getting more serious. They're both really poor, however. My parents are helping them. But if Jane leaves, it means so many things will change. Jane is my teenage years buddy. She was twenty when she first came here. Her mother used to be mum's nanny and when she died mum took Jane in. Even though she's sassy and most of the time insanely annoying, she does come in handy when it comes to collecting information or having a good time full of mockery at strangers.
Tegan seems to be clicking with my father. They've been talking about business the entire time. Mum and I are bored out of our minds. Joy has been very fascinated with everything that's Tegan (and I don't blame her) to a level she's been hugging the stuffed Winnie The Pooh Tegan has gotten her for Christmas since this morning till now.
A part of me feels like my dad wishes Tegan was his daughter and was smart enough to run all his companies, another part of me feels like he's overwhelmed by her intelligence and is afraid of her brain. Or maybe I'm the one who feels this way. Mum seems impressed but doesn't care much. All she wants is for me to be happy. That's her priority in life...She told me that after I apologized to her today. Well, now I'm happy.
...
I hug Tegan's shivering body as I lie beside her after switching the light off. I draw circles on her covered back and kiss the side of her head.
"I'm freezing to death." Her voice is too scratchy and full of sickness. "I don't know what's happening to me."
"You're just tired. Sleep. You'll wake up better." I try to convince her that she will, even though I know she might not. Her coughing has gotten worse. We had to leave early when all of a sudden Tegan seemed to be getting very tired. "Like mum said, a very hot quick shower helps." Tegan groans. "In the morning, of course."
I wish I hadn't had so much caffeine. I feel the most lively at this hour. I cannot close my eyes. I'm simply too excited. I can't stop thinking of Tegan and I sharing an apartment like a real couple. Well, we are a real couple. It's hard for me to believe it because it's Tegan, the girl who refused any concept of commitment just four months ago when I first met her. It scares me she might change her mind too soon. It scares me she might fall out of love. It scares me one of us might break the other's heart. It feels too good to be true...I wonder if she feels this way.
What about Emy? The deal we made? I'd love to have Emy for a little crazy fun when we want some change, but does Tegan still want that now that we're a real couple? I don't even know how to ask her about it. I don't want to anger her more than I already do with my nescient, unaware mouth. I just want us both to be happy and comfortable. I want this relationship to grow and prosper. I want to see a future to it without fearing what might happen tomorrow.
I've opened up to Tegan like I've never opened up to anybody before. In all aspects. There's a an intangible, impalpable shadow of something unknown in my inner knowledge that makes Tegan different from everybody. Like a vague light, it is sneakily permeating from one cell to another inside my brain without me being able to catch it. I want to grip it but it's like a shadow, it cannot be touched nor seen...it can only be felt in hours of darkness like these. I wonder if she feels this strange power. The ways she's holding onto my body makes me believe she can connect with this shadow. The way she prefers to rest her head on my chest each night is what makes me believe we have something bigger than what it seems. Maybe it's just my blind optimism that's soon to be crushed, but I'm never wrong about my intuition. I don't know what it is but I can feel it.
I fall asleep for a little time that I'm not aware I've fallen asleep until I switch on the lamp on my nightstand and look at the time. It's 4:20 and I'm fully awake. Tegan's in the same position she's in. Her breaths are still ragged and hardly escaping her parted lips. I move my hand gently across her back and rub up and down. I feel an eerie wetness when my palm comes in contact with her bum so I touch again. I look at my palm under the red light and see a faint pinkish colour on my fingers and half of my palm. I remove the duvet and sigh when I see the misshapen circular red stain on my bed sheet.
"Eww," I whisper. "Tegan," I say gently, "wake up." When she doesn't respond, I shake her body with my other hand. "Wake up, Teetee."
She opens her eyes and looks at me as if I have kidnapped her or something. Her eyes are dilated and scared. I assume she was dreaming. "W...what?"
"You're leaking...You need to go change."
"What?" She's still not aware of what's going on. "Oh...oh." She jumps up abruptly and I get out of her way to give her space. She looks at the mattress and her eyes widen again. "That's embarrassing."
"It's not," I say.
"Have I told you how much I hate pads?" I laugh. She starts discarding the bed sheet and I push her away.
"Go to the bathroom. I'll remove it." She nods. "You know how to put a pad...right?" I ask hesitantly. She glares immediately. "Just kidding." I chuckle nervously.
I take the dirty sheets and walk to the bathroom. I knock on the door and Tegan appears in her underwear. She takes the sheets from me and closes the door again. "I need to wash my hands," I say as I knock again. She opens the door and lets me in. "What are you doing? Don't wash that now. Jane will take care of it."
"No...that's...no."
"I'll tell her it's me." I squeeze a bit of lavender hand wash onto my hands and look at her. "Why are you so embarrassed? We all bleed." She doesn't answer. "Remember when I threw up on you?" Finally, she smiles. "That's worse to be honest." She sighs and nods. "I have to pee." She starts walking towards the door. "You can stay...but turn around."
"And hear you piss?" she says with her face turned around.
"Seems like it's your favourite melody." I sit on the toilet. She turns around with a smirk. "Hey, turn around," I say loudly and she giggles.
"I can hear you peeing."
"Oh wow...I'm peeing? I didn't know." She giggles again. "You're so amusing when sleep deprived" She hums. "Hand me a pad, please."
"Oh, progress. Who knew Sara Smith would be so open like that." She turns around when she hands me a pad.
"Turn around," I say again.
"I spoke too fast."
"How are you feeling? Are you better?" I ask.
"If by better you mean I can't feel my nose and there's a sharp pain in my chest then hell yeah."
"Sharp pain?" I flush the toilet and proceed to wash my hands once again. Tegan hums again. "I'm kinda worried." She doesn't say anything. "Let's go. If by the morning you didn't get better we have to do something about it."
Tegan doesn't get any better in the morning. In fact, she's somehow managed to get worse. Seeing her hugging blankets and wrapped up in warm clothes in bed while barely able to open her eyes is breaking my heart. Having to leave her to join Rob while he practices for his gig tonight is making me feel even worse. She insisted I go because I promised him...not to forget the fact that I'm giving his band one of the songs I've written (which makes my presence necessary).
"Wear this coat. I don't want you to end up like that," mum whispers as she hands me my red coat. "But you know what, this one's not even heavy." She takes a grey sweater from my closet. "Wear this sweater and the jacket you have on over it then the coat over them."
"I don't wanna look like a marshmallow man," I say.
"You'll look like a cupcake," Tegan attempts to speak. Mum and I look at her.
"Poor Teetee." I walk up to her and kiss her fevered forehead. She blushes. "Mum, don't forget to check in on her each minute."
"Sara," Tegan says with a raised eyebrow. "I'm not dying."
"Dear, you look like you are. I'll have to make sure you're properly breathing like I used to do with Sara when she was a baby."
"Mum."
"I don't have asthma," Tegan says.
"I'll just do what a mother does. Sara, go now," mum says.
"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" I ask Tegan.
"No. I wanna sleep. Go have fun." She gives me a sincere yet a tired smile.
Rob hugs me tightly when he sees me. "Look at you." He ruffles my hair and I pout. "Get a haircut, dude. You look like a dog."
"Hey," I shout, fixing my hairs. "You're an ass."
He takes the box of cupcakes from my hand and opens it. All his band members swarm around the red box and grab a piece. I squeeze my small frame between their large trunks and hug the box. "Don't finish it all. Keep these two Spongebob cupcakes. They're for my girlfriend." They laugh as if I have said something a kid would say. Tegan reminded me to get cupcakes when she told me I look like one. It would make her feel better. She always brings me cupcakes. I thought I'd do it too. I was lucky to find Spongebob cupcakes. But I was not smart by getting them on my way here. I should have known these starved insensible men would eat all of them. I should have gotten them on my way back.
Rob tells them to take their places and I face them on a chair around a table. They begin practicing So Jealous, a song I've written while I was...so jealous. It's about all these times I was distracted with Tegan's presence that I couldn't even focus on studying or doing anything. I was also jealous of the growing relationship between Emy and Tegan. I was jealous Tegan might be falling for Emy or Emy falling for Tegan. I was jealous that Tegan could be having sex with other people but not me. Now I have this song and I have Tegan as a girlfriend. If I knew my life would change to the better in these four months I wouldn't have wasted so much time worrying. But it's not like a human being can simply know. It's always a mystery.
"So," Rob says after his band finishes, "any notes?" He walks up to me.
"Wow...I'm so happy to hear my song being sang. This feels weird."
"You're happy with it? We didn't want to change anything."
"You guys were really good," I raise my voice, telling everyone, "all of you."
Rob turns around to look at his band then back at me. "I know how much you'd love to sing it. Why don't you do that tonight? We can practice all day," he whispers.
I shake my head. "Hell no," I say. "My dad would kill me. No." I wish I can sing it. I wish I can at least just try. But my dad is never okay with me singing, not even for fun. I know it's my life but I can't really just disobey him when I'm at his house. He thinks that if I sing and people love it I might forget about college and the idea of dropping out would be bigger. Perhaps that was me just four months ago, but now I really want to be in college because of Tegan. My dad said that if I finally graduate I can do whatever the hell I want, as long as I have a bachelor's degree in my hand.
"Till when are you going to let this old man control your life? You're wasting amazing opportunities and a heck of a talent, Sar." Rob reaches for a cupcake and takes a bite.
"He's my dad and he kinda has a point. He doesn't want me to regret dropping out. He wants me to be secure with a degree that can offer me a job."
"Your dad is a fucking millionaire, why would he even be worried? Unless he doesn't want you to take what he has since you're not really..." He doesn't finish.
I feel so offended about what he said that I open my mouth to say something but my phone buzzing in my pocket cuts me off. I look at the caller ID and it's mum. I pick up while sending one of my deadly glares Rob's way.
...
The last thing I expected was to receive a call from mum telling me she took Tegan to the hospital because she was not breathing well. At first I thought my mum was exaggerating because she tends to do that and Tegan is fine. Now that I'm standing here while the doctor is asking Tegan all these questions about her health as he moves the stethoscope across her chest I feel like I might faint because of how worried I am.
"I went in the room and she wasn't able to breathe properly. My daughter has asthma so I know what an asthma attack looks like and it looked like that," mum tells the doctor.
"But Tegan doesn't have asthma," I say.
"Actually, I have to diagnose her with asthma. Severity is mild persistent." The doctor turns around to look at us. Tegan lowers her sweater and gets up. "Is she a relative?"
"No," the three of us shout. I'm so sick of this question.
"Strange," the doctor says. "You have someone with asthma in your family, Tegan?" He looks back at her.
"Not anybody I know of." She shrugs.
"Your asthma is clearly inherited. Not severe so you don't have to worry but the symptoms may vary according to the climate or your health. I'll prescribe something for now and you'll have to use the puffer I'm going to prescribe for you whenever you need it."
"Just like me, Teetee." I try to cheer her up...but it comes out wrong. I feel terrible. It's like I cursed her with my bad stuff. First she periods with me and now she asthmas with me too. I hope I don't send the stupidity gene to her too.
"I'm sorry I screwed up your holidays," Tegan says.
"Don't say that," mum says. "I got so worried. For a moment I saw Sara there struggling to breathe."
"I'm sorry, Teetee." I give her a hug and a kiss on her cheek.
"It's fine. At least now I know what's going on." I give her another kiss.
"How did you get here so quickly?" mum asks.
"Rob drove me."
"Is he still here?" I nod.
"He's waiting outside. He got worried too."
"Oh, what a sweet man he is." If only she heard him utter what he said to me just half an hour ago she wouldn't be saying this. "Do you want to come back home with us or go back with him?" Even though she's giving me options to choose from, she still gives me the look of having no choice but to go back with them. But of course, that's what I'm planning to do. I'm not leaving Tegan feeling ill and horrible. How did she get this stupid asthma? Why now?
"Go ahead and I'll follow you. I forgot something. I have to get it and I'll be back. I won't be long...I promise." I look at Tegan then at my mum nodding.
...
"I need to get cupcakes. A new box. Please, let's go get cupcakes for Tegan," I say shakily to Rob in the car. "And quick because I don't want her to think I just left her."
"Whoa." He laughs a little. "You fucking love her."
"Yes."
"You're so worried."
"I am."
I want to get Tegan an entire box of Spongebob and Mickey Mouse cupcakes. I want to drown her in goodies and make her feel better. I want her to know that this is how I like to take care of whom I love. I don't want her to think I don't care and I'll leave her. I don't want her to think she's like her mother.
I ask mum to make us two hot chocolate with marshmallow cups. She also offers to take the television from Joy's room and move it to my room so we can watch some film. I've always liked to watch something while drinking something hot after a bad asthma attack when I was little. I had the television in my room until I went to college. Whenever I returned for a break and got sick mum would carry it back to my room and I'll sit with Joy and Lucifer and we'll watch something funny or stupid. It's actually a very great idea because Joy has a great set of animated films and that's Tegan's first love. (I'm pretty sure it comes before me.)
I find Joy, Jane, and, of course, Lucifer all in my room. They're talking (or meowing) none stop. I hand Tegan a hot chocolate cup and place the box of cupcakes on my mattress. She gasps and her eyes widen when she sees it. I guard it immediately with my arms when the two annoying girls stretch out their hands to take one.
"No," I shout. "That's for Tegan only." I glare at them.
"There are a dozen of cupcakes there. That's not fair," Joy whines with her annoying squeaky ten year old voice.
"Sara." Tegan Gives me a look. "Don't be mean."
"Fine," I say. "You can take only one." Jane and Joy hurry to grab a cupcake. "Is Lucifer bothering you? Maybe you can't breathe well because of him. Some can't put up with cat fur."
"No, it's fine. I'm a bit better now." She smiles at me. "I can't believe you did that."
"Did what?"
"This." She points at the cupcakes. "Took over my part?" She winks at me and leans in to kiss me. Our lips touch for just a second until Tegan pulls away when mum comes in with the TV in her arms.
Jane gives mum a hand as they plug everything that's necessary. "What are you guys going to watch?" mum asks.
"I don't know," I answer.
"I wanna watch with you," Joy says.
"Sure."
"Watch something appropriate." Mum gives me her...mum look.
"Don't worry. Tegan only likes animation." And porn.
"Do you have Cinderella?" Tegan asks my sister.
"Cinderella?" I ask.
Tegan blushes. "Yup."
"Wow."
"I do...I think. I'll go check."
"Lucifer reminds me of Cinderella." Tegan shrugs, taking a bite of her cupcake. I finally kiss her now that we're alone. "Mmm."
"Ya," I whisper while my lips are touching hers. "I wanna make out with you."
"Later, maybe." She gives me another quick kiss.
...
"What were you arguing about with Jane today? Seemed intense," Tegan asks me as we are lying down, ready to fall asleep.
"Not arguing...I just..."
"Tell me."
"She helps me earn information about my birth mother but it seems like it keeps getting more complicated."
"How so?" Tegan asks. She turns onto her side and faces me, resting her head on my shoulder.
"I was about two months old when my grandmother found me at her door. I was all clean and healthy and okay. My grandma was here in Toronto. Jane says it's clearly someone who knew my parents couldn't conceive put me outside of my grandma's door."
"Ya?"
"Yes. She thinks my grandmother knows who it is or has a clue but doesn't want to say." Tegan begins stroking my hair. "I think so too. I'm just...I don't get it. There's this whole mystery about where was I born."
"Where do you think you were born?" Tegan asks me. Her voice is sweet and gentle despite how raspy it is.
"Now we're sure I wasn't born here in Toronto. There's a chance not even in Ontario." Tegan takes my hand and moves her index across the skin of it. "I mean...we've done our hospitals search. Jane says I could be born not in a hospital but I doubt it."
"I think that whoever gave birth to you didn't want you to know them at all. Were your parents here?" I agree with Tegan. Ten years of search and all doors are closed. Sometimes I feel like everybody knows something but they're hiding it. Sometimes I feel that my parents are as clueless as I am.
"No," I respond, "Calgary."
She sits up all at once. "Okay, wait." She grabs both my hands and hums. "So let's assume your biological mother or father or whoever gave you away knew your parents wanted a child, right?"
"Yes."
"Yes. So how would they know if they're not close to them?" She raises an eyebrow. I see it under the shadow of the dimmed light.
"You mean I was maybe born in Calgary?"
"Maybe." Tegan rests beside me again. "Or your family lives there." I hum. "Let's look at it this way. If they didn't want you to be connected to them, they traveled after two months or so, maybe, and gave you to your grandmother...just to make it seem as if you were born here."
"Well," I say, "that's possible."
"You want me to ask mum for help? She has connections."
"No," I say aloud. "No...I don't want anybody to know I'm adopted. At all. Only you and Rob."
"Alright, Sasa." She kisses the side of my face. "I'm ready to help if you want me. Anytime."
"I'm just frustrated because it just seems like there's no door. As if I'm running in a circle and I can't get out of it."
"Honestly, babe, I think you should give it a rest. If it's meant for you to find who deserted you then you will, if not, then why are you running after someone who didn't want you in the first place? Your parents love you so much. They're amazing. Can't you see how happy your mum is that you're around? She's acting as if her fourteen year old daughter is under her roof again, not a twenty four year old adult. I wish my parents were this ecstatic about me being around. I wish all the time and attention were on me. I wish I was given more love than money. I didn't understand love but in this household I understand it well."
Her words make me tear up. Few tears stream down my face but then I begin crying heavily. Maybe I'm just sad, maybe I'm just angry, maybe I just feel bad for her, or maybe I'm just happy to have her. "I love you so much," I make sure to tell her.
She turns my face around gently and kisses my lips. "I love you too."
I can say this is the best Christmas I've ever had. No Christmas can compare. Not even when I was young. Even through the sickness and tears and arguments, this holiday is the best. Tegan is the best thing that's happened to me and it's just the beginning. Every minute I discover something about her. She's smart and beautiful and I love her so much. It doesn't feel like there are years between us. She understands me as if she's me. She understands me as if she can see what's harboured inside of me. She forgives me and I let down my guard around her. I'm no more shy. I can't really keep my fantasies in a glass box inside my brain. They're on the surface where she can see them and touch them. She no longer refuses to say what she thinks. She doesn't lock inside what she feels. She talks now and feels loudly with me.
Making out with her is strange and beautiful at the same time. It's like a process of pulling and pushing one's heart outside their rib cage and inside it. It's like a ritual performed. It's like a special dance. It's like something I can't describe but it's a pattern that our lips got used to and the more my tongue collides with hers I feel like I am in too deep, and perhaps I am. I probably am.
Tegan pulls away and winces. I try to control my breathing as I come in touch with reality. Third day of Christmas, at home, nobody else is at home but Tegan and my person.
"Sometimes it feels like it's a bad idea I have a nipple piercing." Her small hand moves to rub her right breast above her bra.
"It hurts too bad?" She nods as a tear rolls down her face. "Why don't you remove it for a bit?"
"No, it hurts. And putting it back hurts." She looks inside her bra and hisses. "I either got too turned on or this is infected."
"Let me see." I lower her bra down and look at the purplish colour of her nipple. "Ouch." I move my finger to touch the piercing.
"No, no," she shouts. "It hurts."
"Do you trust me?" She nods. "I'm gonna remove the piercings." Before she could open up her mouth, I continue, "I won't hurt you, I swear. Please, let me do it. I'll put them back later, really softly."
She gives in eventually and allows me to slowly rid her off the pain and soothe her hardened nipples. She closes her eyes and parts her lips. I'm not sure if she's pained or relaxed but she's not telling me to stop tracing her jewelry-free nipples. I run the tip of my index in circles around each nipple. She throws her head to the back and releases a soft moan.
"That feels so good." She bites her lower lip and moans again. "I miss this." I put more pressure and begin to knead her breasts as well. "I'm so horny." She laughs.
"Can I?" I whisper against her hard nipples, inches away from my lips. She nods and I wrap my lips around the pink bud. I lick softly for quite some time as I hear her moans increase.
"Sara?" She asks and I let go. "Do...uh...what about Emy?" She bites her lower lip once again. I touch the wet bud and gently squeeze. "I mean...you know...I..."
"What do you want?" I kiss the other nipple and give it a quick lick.
"Whatever you want. I don't mind anything." I can see she's hesitant and scared.
"I want us to be comfortable and both of us one hundred percent okay with whatever decision we're going to make."
"Me too." She squeals when I bite a little.
"I don't mind what we have agreed on." I palm both breasts and massage.
"Honestly, I don't as well. But I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
"I really want it...when you know, we want some change...if it happens. Of course if she wants to."
"Yes, of course." I kiss Tegan's lips.
"I mean...have you seen her tits?" I give her a little smirk.
"You literally have my tits in your hands and you're thinking of hers?"
"I'm teasing you," I whisper and kiss her again.
She pushes my face down and lustfully pushes her breast in my mouth. I suck her hardened pink buds each and knead her heavy mounds as she humps my mattress. She holds my hair and moans louder than before. I look up and watch her humping the mattress with parted lips and arched back.
"Did you?" I bashfully ask. She opens her eyes and nods. "Wow."
"I was that close. That damn close. I didn't think it was gonna happen."
"You're amazing."
She's amazing. Spending these days with her is amazing. Even when we don't touch. Even when we're surrounded by my noisy family. Everything with her is amazing, alone or around others.
On New Year's Eve we kiss in front of everyone when it ticks twelve. 2005...New year. I feel as if it's going to be great. I feel as if everything's going to change.
We call Emy to tell her happy new year. We put it on speaker and speak with her for awhile.
"I can't believe you guys are girlfriends now," Emy yells. "That's so fucking hot. I'm gonna fantasize about that." Emy's weird...but that's why she's our third partner in crime.
"I can't believe you're still a pervert," Tegan says.
"I bet you miss me."
"We do," we say together.
"Why is there so much noise? Where are you?" I ask.
"Babysitting my stupid nephews. They're a plague." We hear the sound of something breaking in the background.
"No new year's plans? No date? No kiss?" I asks, teasingly...perhaps a bit guiltily.
"I kissed my mum's cheeks."
"How about we give you a telephone kiss on the lips?" Tegan asks her and looks at me. I nod.
"Alright, yes." We both make disturbing kissing sounds to the phone and she responds with her own dirtily exaggerated version. "Tegan's a better kisser."
"Fuck you," I say.
"Love you too." I'm not sure which way she means it, but who cares, it's Emy. She loves us...we love her. "I have to go. Bye bitches. Happy New Year."
"Happy New Year, Em," Tegan says.
"Have rough new year sex and remember me while fucking each other." Just then my mum passes by and looks at Tegan and I with fixed eyes. Just then the line goes dead. My mum shakes her head and walks away.
"It's Emy who said it." I shrug. "Happy New Year, Teetee."
"Happy New Year, Sasa." She kisses me really good with the emphasis on really.