Sara

Everyday is like a fresh new beginning despite the routine. Everyday I wake up to the sound of the running water coming from the bathroom next to our bedroom, or the sound of her feet shuffling near, or to the smell of coffee right beside me waiting for me to drink it. Everyday I get up after her, and it's strange because I was the one who usually woke her up and she's the one who complained about wanting to sleep. Moving in has made her the type of the business woman she likes to be. Her pragmatism is helping us a lot in everything. She wakes me up right on time. I take my turn to shower while she makes something for both of us to eat. We leave together earlier than usual in order to catch the bus and make it on time to university.

This semester we decided to take a class called Art Appreciation together. We basically watch films in class and discuss them afterwards. Sometimes our professor makes us hear classical music and talks about the notes and the musical instruments and such. I am more interested in this subject and wanted to take it since I have enrolled in this university, but everyone always told me that it's too hard for me. Tegan encouraged me to register it.

"It's just an elective. It can't be harder than the nonsense you study, Sara," Tegan said the other day while fixing the drawers of our dresser.

"I don't study nonsense." I glared at her.

Tegan laughed softly. "I didn't mean it that way, baby," she said. "I meant that what you study is possibly the hardest thing and it wouldn't make sense to basic people like me, so it's not really hard to take a class about art when you're already good at that department and have a musical ear."

"Hmm." I folded my arms against my chest while leaning against the dresser, watching her fix what I broke. "Nice save."

She threw her gummy smile at me then opened and closed the drawer with ease. "There ya go."

"Thanks, Teetee."

"Tell you what," Tegan said. "How about I take it with you? I need an elective and I haven't really decided on one yet."

"Really?" I don't know why this thing made me so happy, but it did. "What about the time? I want to take it at nine because I have a gap."

"No problem. I can rearrange my schedule. Don't worry about it."

I knew she was taking a class at nine. I think an accounting class or something like that. But instead she told me she'd take this class with me and she really did.

So everyday we join each other in that class and sit next to each other. It feels amazing to take a class with your girlfriend. It feels so fucking beautiful. I never took any class with Emy. I have no idea why.

Speaking of Emy, everyday we join her for lunch in our break. She still hasn't found a girlfriend, which has made the matters a bit worse...or better. When I go back home and Tegan hurries to her job, Emy comes in to do her homework here. First few times Emy caused Tegan and I to argue after she went home.

"How come she's always here when I come back?" Tegan asked one night while eating her ramen noodles.

"I don't know. She likes it here. I can't just tell her to go," I said. "Plus, she kinda fills the void and emptiness. I get really lonely."

"Are you two sleeping together alone?"

"No. You know we don't do that," I said loudly.

"Why are you so defensive?" Tegan stopped eating. "We fucking agreed to have Emy only on the weekends and when we're both okay with it."

"What the fuck is wrong with you? I told you we're not doing anything. She's my friend. She's your friend. She comes here and does her homework while I'm doing mine and we talk until you come back and that's it," I shouted all these words with frustration. "Thanks for your fucking trust." I left the kitchen with tears streaming down my face. I slammed the door of our room and cried on my pillow.

I know it was melodramatic, but her accusation of me cheating made me very vexed with her. I think she fears it because of her mother's past, or maybe because I've cheated on Emy with her, and most probably because Emy's basically our bed buddy now.

We only had sex with her about three times, however. And it was us who actually gave her orgasms. The last time though, Tegan and I had sex in front of her right after we made her climax. She was on our bed and we were too horny to leave, or tell her to go, or even to think. We just attacked each other with kisses and then we found ourselves fingering each other while Tegan was on top of me. Emy was on her side, watching and rubbing my thigh and Tegan's arm. It was a sensual moment and I liked it even more. Tegan admitted she liked it more too and would like to experience more with Emy. That night happened after the fight, actually.

Tegan came into our room and held me in her arms as she kissed my teary face until I calmed down. She kept apologizing and kissing my face and head. "It's because I love you. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, Sasa. It's because I love you, I swear."

"You didn't trust me."

"It's not that. I just, you know, this is, I don't know, like, this is all so new to me. A relationship and this whole Emy thing. It's new to me."

"Do you want us to stop it?" I looked up at her. I wanted to read something on her face, anything; hesitation; rejection; discomfort.

"Hell no." There was none. "No. I'm happy with that. It's refreshing actually."

"It is."

"Do you forgive me?" She smiled at me.

I hummed and she kissed me.

These are our days: Emy, coffee, homework, and a chat before falling asleep. At some nights we have sex instead of the chat, but mostly, our sex is pushed to the weekend when we don't have to wake up very early. That's how we keep it new and different, everyday is basically a different day, even though we do the same things or see the same persons.

Today; however, I wake up not by the sound of the water, or her feet around the house, or her cup of coffee that she made for me; today I am awakened by the sound of her voice on the telephone, raspy; out of breath; choked; cut off with a gasp and a sniffle after each sentence.

At first I think it's just a dream so I close my eyes again and try to get back to sleep, then I hear her cries increasing and becoming louder. I hear her words and I become alert.

"But how? No. I didn't get to see her. I didn't get to tell her goodbye or...or like..." The sentence breaks with a loud cry. "I miss her already. She loved me."

I sit up immediately. My concern coming in waves that are making me queasy.

"She used to tell me not to be lost. I don't even know what she meant by that. I once...I once asked her, mum...I once asked her and she told me that I am precious because I'm here. Like what does that mean?"

It must be her grandmother. She must have died. Oh my God. Poor Teetee, she loved her so much. She was just telling me about her last week. She told me she's very sick.

"I regret not coming. I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid."

I can hear her mother trying to calm her down. I don't even think her mother is half as sad as she is. I don't hear her crying. I can hear her using sensible sentences. Tegan must have really loved her.

"Before I came here she gave me a picture of me when I was a baby. She said to keep it because it's a precious picture and shouldn't be lost. It's like...it's like she knew she's gonna die. It's like she knew I wasn't gonna see her again."

"Just calm down. What picture? Relax...calm down and talk to me. Where's Sara?" her mother asks.

"She's right here. I woke her up." Tegan looks at me. "I woke you up, Sasa. I'm so sorry." She breaks down crying again. "My grandma died this morning."

I walk up to her and hug her while she's still on the phone. I take the phone from her and put it to my own ear. "Hello, Sonia," I say. "I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you, honey," Sonia answers calmly. "Just take care of Tegan for now. She was kinda very attached to her."

I have talked to Sonia only twice before, also on the telephone. Tegan finally made me talk to her after Sonia insisted. She's a very nice woman and her voice resembles Tegan but less raspy. Tegan also showed me a picture of her. It's kind of strange to admit, but she does really resemble me. I suppose some people do look like each other. Tegan was so excited that Sonia was visiting next week, but now I don't think she can anytime soon.

"She spent most of her time with her grandparents when she was very young because I had to go to college and work. She even called her mama," Sonia informs me. I look back at Tegan sitting, with her head in her hands, on our bed crying her heart out. My heart is breaking for her. I want to hold her till she feels better but I honestly don't think she will feel better anytime soon. "She still calls her that," Sonia says again, her voice is breaking.

"I'll take care of her. Don't worry. I'll try to make her feel better."

"Thank you. I'll talk to her again at night."

I don't think I've ever experienced loss. I mean, yes, I don't know who my real parents are, but I have never met them to begin with. I didn't lose anybody. I lost my grandparents but I was very young and I wasn't that close to them. I don't quite understand loss or the feeling that accompanies it. Tegan seems very hurt and it is strange for me to witness. I never thought she'd be so hurt.

Tegan is like that box of surprises, I meet a new side of her each day. She jokes and laughs and be as random as she can with you but when night comes you discover there's something bothering her. At night Tegan cries and hides. At night Tegan talks and reveals what's inside. I am now starting to understand her. When she's too quiet, she's too angry. When she's too talkative, she's too worried. When she's joking; smiling; laughing, she's extremely burned with something. So I guess that's why I never thought she'd be this hurt over her grandmother. She only mentioned her twice, only twice, yes. And she wasn't crying, she was just heavy with sympathy.

Emy comes in after a few hours. It's Saturday, usually the day we invite Emy to spend all day and all night with us. I called her right after I gave some solace to Tegan. Tegan went to shower and so I called Emy filling her in on what happened. So Emy's here now to give some consolation and comfort.

I watch her rub Tegan's back while I make something for Tegan to eat. We didn't have breakfast together and it's past twelve now. "I'm sorry, Tegan," Emy says. "It's gonna be okay, buddy. It's gonna be okay. You have people who love you here too. Sara loves you so much." I turn around and watch my friend hugging my girlfriend. "I love you too."

"Here, Teetee." I put a bowl of cereal in front of Tegan and a cup of tea. "Eat something. You haven't eaten anything."

Tegan sits back in her chair and wipes her silent tears. Her eyes are red and puffy. Her nose is red as well.

"Em, what do you wanna have? I know you don't eat cereal. Want me to make you an omelet?"

"No, thank you." Emy sighs softly. "I already had breakfast." I give her a nod and sit beside Tegan.

"You should eat, Sara," Tegan says with a quiet, dejected voice.

"I already did when you were in the shower." Tegan nodes and eats quietly.

Tegan is much better by night. Emy only stays for a little while and leaves. I know she wouldn't have left if it was just an ordinary Saturday and she knew she'd get some at night. But she decides to leave with an excuse of wanting to work on her graduation project. This is how I know that Emy just wants it for the thrill of it. She doesn't like how quiet we are and how sad Tegan is. Tegan isn't crying anymore, but she's not laughing nor talking either, Tegan's just sitting on the cough, with her head on my lap and her body curled like a fetus, watching Sweet November.

I excuse myself halfway through the film to go shower; I haven't gotten the time to shower this morning because of Tegan's ordeal. I place a kiss on her forehead and ask if she wants anything. Surprisingly, she takes a hold of my face and places a small, weak kiss on my lips. When she does, I feel it, I feel it all; her pain; her sadness; her love; her gratefulness. I feel it through that simple kiss that connects us for the first time this day. It's like my soul belongs to her and through our mouths we are connected. It's like there's a rope that ties us together. It's like there's a special hidden power in our hearts. I wonder if she feels it. I wonder if she can sense it.

My heart, my heart quickened its pace and and my stomach squeezed itself on me with just one kiss. And that's all I can think about in the shower right now. I place my hand beneath my left breast and it's that feeling coming in waves that touches this pumping muscle. I want to know what is this but I'm too afraid to admit it to myself. She's the one, it's whispering to me. I've never felt that feeling. But what if it's a false alarm? What if I'm just overwhelmed? She's the one. What if she's not? What if everything shatters? She's the one.

I can't touch an inch of my own skin without getting a strange tingly feeling inside of me. I can't wash a part of my body without getting a vivid, but also a vague, image of us together. Us together. In white. On the same mattress. In a house.

I dreamed about this. Yes, I dreamed about it. Or is it Déjà vu? No, I'm pretty sure it was a dream. We're together, in a house, a big house. Not this one. It was a big house, just like this image I've gotten. So beautiful. Very nice.

I walk into the room and find her on the mattress, staring at something I can't see because of her bent knees. She looks up when she sees me. She smiles immediately. I smile back.

"Good shower?" Tegan asks.

I sigh in content, sending a lazy smile her way. I throw my towel on the mattress and she catches it.

"You took too long. I was gonna check on you." I put on my red panties while looking at her. She seems better. "What were you doing in there?"

"It took me some time to shave." I put on my pajamas and stretch as I yawn. "Haven't shaved in awhile." She snorts a bit. "You're feeling much better."

"I am," she whispers. "Oh, it's mum," she says before I even hear her phone buzzing. She stands up quickly. "I'll just talk to her in the living room." When she reaches the door, she stops, turns around, then says, "You know, I...I don't want to break down again..."

"Tegan," I say, "go talk to your mum and don't explain. It's okay, baby. It's okay." I nod for comfort and assurance. She nodes as well and closes the door when she leaves.

I throw my towel on one of the two chairs we have in the room. I yawn again and push the bed cover in order to get inside it. I spot something where Tegan was sitting. It's a picture, it's flipped. I think that's what she was looking at. I take a hold of it and turn it around. It's my picture. My picture when I was a just a month old. I don't know how Tegan found it and why was she looking at it.

I think I hid it in my sex toys box. Oh yes, I did hide it there. Tegan did look there. Maybe she wanted to have sex? That would explain her remarks when I left the bathroom.

I look at the picture again. It's the only picture I have of me before my parents took a hold of me. It's the only picture that's a memory of whom I don't remember, my birth parents. I'm a small infant with chubby cheeks, dressed in white, with saliva trailing down the corners of lips. My mum told me that there was a letter with the picture and it was lost. She said that it was written that the picture was taken a month before they handed me to my parents, and I was a month old when the picture got taken. That's how my parents summed up the age to be only two months old. My mum said that there was no name, and of course they gave me the name themselves. My dad always wanted a Sara. Sara's good, Sara's nice, he told my mum. My mum chose Joy's name. I remember it. She said that it's the Joy she had always waited to receive. That's why I went into a hardcore jealousy phase till Joy was about three years old. I know my mum didn't mean it that way, but it was horrible to hear, especially that I don't know my real parents.

I place the picture on Tegan's nightstand and move to my side. I yawn for awhile until I close my eyes. I just can't fall asleep with her not asleep beside me. I've gotten used to the feeling of her heated body next to mine.

Tegan sweats a lot. Whenever she sleeps she perspires. And now I am used to wake up to her damp forehead on my chest, or with my head on her sweaty chest. When we have sex, Tegan glows with the heat. It is a wonderful image to watch a bit of perspiration trailing down the valley between her breasts. In the past I would have been repulsed, now it looks beautiful and artistic to my eyes.

Tegan comes in with redness in her eyes like that of the sky during sunset. She sniffles and wipes the remnants of tears. I look up at her and she chuckles. "Kinda lost it again," she says. "I guess I'm not as tough as I thought I am."

I hold her heated flesh as soon as she rests beside me on the mattress. I kiss her cheek and the corner of her lips. "You lost someone. Of course you're gonna need time to cry. That doesn't mean you're weak or anything," I whisper gently.

She gives me a crooked smile and sighs onto my neck. "I feel like you were specially made to make my life a bit better," Tegan says. "I feel like, maybe, you weren't ever born, alright? Like, you know Dawn in Buffy the Vampire Slayer?"

"I'm not sure I know what that is," I say.

"It's like one of my favourite shows."

"It has vampire and slayer in the title, I wouldn't have guessed," I tease her with my words and finally get a sweet little Tegan giggle. The giggle I was waiting for.

"Anyway," Tegan says, "like you're this ball of energy and then someone who is, like, in charge of this world was like: oh, Tegan is a sad little puppy who thinks love is a myth and people are dicks. I'm gonna make this ball of energy as a Sara and send it to Tegan so she can feel better in bad days and be happier as a person."

She's so beautiful at nights. She's so raw, so fervent and frank. When she speaks she makes me want to listen for hours and not close an eye. Even if she's saying something that does not make sense; even if she's joking; even if she's crying; even if she's expressing intense emotions she would never reveal in the daylight, she can still catch all my attention and make me love her even more.

"Sometimes I think you're the one sent for me. I feel things for you I never thought I'd feel." It's my turn to project these emotions.

"Me too," Tegan says ardently. "I'm telling you, it's like you're only made for me." She pauses. "I'm not scaring you, am I?" she says.

"No, no," I say quickly. "I was just thinking about how much I really wanna make love to you right now."

"Oh."

"Yeah," I say. "But I won't," I add. "It's not the right time, I know that. So let's just cuddle and sleep." I place a kiss on her forehead.

"Yeah. I mean, I just want to relax. I feel like my body is exhausted."

Maybe she wanted sex before, but I suppose after that phone call she's feeling emotionally exposed. I just forget about everything else and cuddle with her till we fall asleep.

...

Tegan throws the news at me that she is going back to Calgary for her grandmother's funeral. The funeral is on Wednesday. Tegan wants to fly the same day, which means she'll miss three days of university and will have to leave her job for three days. It also means she'll leave me. I quarrel with her about this sudden decision, which makes me feel stupid because I sound selfish yelling at her for just not telling me.

"I didn't just decide last week. Don't you fucking get it? I just decided. Of course I'll have to ask my professors and find someone that can take my shifts at work before I tell you."

"And of course I'm the last to know." I'm crying like an idiot, because that's what I do in this relationship: cry, whine, shout, and break things that she only can fix.

"Because I had to make sure before I fucking told you," Tegan shouts very loudly. I take a step to the back and she says again with the same anger in her tone, "I didn't even book the fucking flight. I didn't tell my fucking mother. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Don't yell at me like that," I shout with the exact same tone and anger.

"I swear you have issues. There's something wrong with you. Yes, there's something in your brain or something." I start to cry in the kitchen. "Why are you crying? Why are you fucking crying? You're the one who made this big deal about me wanting to go to my fucking dead grandmother's funeral. You're making no sense."

Maybe she's right. Maybe I don't make sense. Maybe I reacted. Maybe, maybe, and maybe. But I want to cry. I want it. I just feel like crying and I want to do it.

"You can't tell me I have something in my brain and not expect me to cry."

Her frustration rises that she kicks one of the chairs and it falls at my feet. I screech, taking another step back. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm fucking sorry. See? I know when I make a mistake. I fucking apologize. I'm sorry." I know she's not though.

I end the night perfectly by throwing her pillow and a blanket at her before she can enter the room. I close the door in her face and lock it then continue my crying on my bed. And of course since she's nowhere beside me, I can't fall asleep at all. How am I going to spend four long nights alone till she's back sleeping on this mattress? How am I going to spend it in this place alone? I already get lonely when she's at work, how am I going to spend it all here alone? I got so used to her. I need her next to me and I can't do most things without her. She's the one who does everything. She fixes what's broken, she makes the necessary phone calls, she's in charge of the bills, she wakes me up, she helps me study, she does everything. I just go get our groceries, clean the house, and sometimes cook if she hasn't already done that. I can't just rely on my person without her. I'm incapable of that. But I can't tell her that and I can't admit it to her even if she already knows it. Therefore, I make another decision and rush out of the room with my hair down, barefoot, and half clothed.

I see Tegan's narrowed eyes focused on the animated film on the television. I walk up to her and she averts her gaze to look up at me, still with the same squinting eyes. "Tegan," I say softly as I kneel down to be at her level while she lies down on the couch. "I'm sorry." Tegan nods. "I wanna come with you," I say again.

"What?"

"I wanna come with you. I wanna be with you at your grandmother's funeral." When she doesn't say anything, I say, "Please, Tegan. I want to. You came with me. I wanna come with you."

"What gave you that idea?" she asks.

"I thought about it. I want to be there. I want to support you. I also want to meet your family." I pout at her, hoping she'll soften up a bit.

"You also don't want to be here alone."

"Maybe." I shrug. She knows me. "But that's not the only reason, I swear."

"It's not healthy how dependent on others you are." She sits up. "First on your parents, then on Emy, and now on me."

"Tegan," I whine. "Don't make me cry. I don't want to cry and argue. That's who I am. I am like that. I am clingy and annoying and stupid and I don't..." I stop being able to continue what I'm saying and break down with loud sobs and heavy tears.

"No, no, no. I didn't mean that." She takes my face and kisses my head. "Sara, I didn't mean that. You're not stupid and you know that. You're not clingy. I love your company. I also do want you to come with me. I love you like that. Calm down, babe." When I don't stop crying, she sighs and picks me up to the bedroom. She places me gently on our mattress and walks out again only to come back a moment later with her pillow in hand. "You've been in an awful mood the whole day." She sighs again.

"I'm sorry about today," I say with my crying, pathetic voice.

"It's okay. You've already apologized," Tegan says. "Let's sleep now. I'll book two tickets tomorrow."

"So it's okay to come with you?"

"Yes. I already told you I want you to come with me. You won't miss too much, will you?"

"I'll talk to my professors tomorrow." I finally stop crying and yawn.

We don't cuddle when we fall asleep, but I can still feel her body next to mine and hear her soft breathing, so I feel much better and more safe than before.

...

"So she threw the chair at you?" Emy gasps.

I look back at her seated form. She's drinking coffee, sitting at the kitchen table. I'm washing this morning's breakfast dishes while Tegan showers. "She didn't throw it at me. It fell at me. It didn't hurt me. Like, it fell at my feet."

"This is not the first time she's done something like that. She hit you many times before."

"But I hit her too. We used to fight for a reason," I say.

"No," Emy says. "You said it yourself, remember? You said when she began she couldn't stop. I saw how bruised you were that morning."

"Emy," I say a bit louder than the tone we were speaking in, "Tegan's not abusive."

"She's my friend too but I know when there's something that needs to be known. I spend time with her too. I can tell."

I turn around and look at her with sharpness in my eyes. "We all have our bad traits, Emy. That's how life is. She likes dominance, so what? It's hot in bed. Don't you like it too when I am like that with you?" I turn back looking at the dishes again.

I know Tegan loves me and I know she's not abusive. I hit her too and I'm the first person who did that. We don't do that to each other anymore. Last night's situation was just her anger taking the best of her. She apologized and she didn't mean to throw that chair at me, it just fell at my feet. Emy's just jealous probably, trying to make me suspect Tegan or be unnecessarily cautious.

"That's not just a bad trait. That's something bad and needs to be stopped," Emy says. "And, Sara," she adds, "you can't hurt an insect even if you tried. In bed it's different. In bed you took care of me after what you did and I wanted it and asked you for it. But Tegan really does take it to a whole new level. I can see it when we all sleep together."

"Emy," I say through gritted teeth. "She never hurt me at all since we've been dating. Close the damn subject because she could be eavesdropping right now."

"See? Now that's a bad trait that we all know she has. Being violent and abusive is just something that needs to be dealt with."

I close the tap and sigh. I walk out of the kitchen to see if she's standing there. I make sure the water is still running in the shower and get back to Emy, sitting in front of her. "If I notice anything, I'll tell you, alright?" Emy nodes. "Now," I say, "you're going to come here each day to water the plants because Tegan spent a lot of time making them look this pretty." Emy nodes again. "Make sure you'll lock the door after you leave."

"Alright," Emy says. "One question, is it okay if I sleep with someone else?"

"Uh, ya?" I chuckle. "We're not dating you. You can sleep with whoever you want," I say. "But make sure it's someone that doesn't have any STD or something, alright?" Emy rolls her eyes. "Actually, you better go get a physical right after you sleep with whoever you're sleeping with, I don't want you transmitting any diseases to Tegan and I."

"I'm not gonna go fuck a prostitute, Sara." She glares at me.

"Being safe is better than being sorry," I say.

...

Emy drives us to the airport the next day at six in the morning. The flight is at eight. We spend the hour and twenty-five minutes not saying anything to each other. She only tells me her dad is the one waiting for us when we land in Calgary. The last time I've been there when I was thirteen. I had to go with mum for her aunt's funeral. I know that my parents lived in Calgary when I was an infant. Actually, my grandmother found me at her doorstep in Toronto, but my mum and dad lived in Calgary so I was taken there till my parents moved out when I was two. I suppose I am from Toronto, but then again Jane made sure I'm not from there. At least that's what the hospitals records said. I wonder where was I born.

"That's dad," Tegan shouts excitedly. It makes a few heads turn towards us. She runs to him and gives him a very good hug. It makes me smile.

Her dad's reaction when he finally looks at me isn't really a good one. I'm not really sure. I mean, he's just staring at me without saying one word. My heart starts beating, thinking maybe there's something on my face or in my hair or there's a bee on my head or anything.

"She looks kinda like mum, I know." Tegan laughs. "Don't scare her, dad."

"Oh, uh, sorry." Her dad chuckles. "She does look like Sonia. Like when she was a teen. It really did scare me."

"Thanks, dad. I'll make sure to remember that whenever I'm sleeping with her." Tegan smiles awkwardly. My eyes widen and my cheeks flush instantly. I want to hide my face or dig a hole and hide in it.

Her dad laughs then says, "I'm sorry. I'm Stephen. Nice to meet you, Sara." He stretches his arm and I shake his hand.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Quin."

Her dad's reaction is on one hand a bit awkward for me, her mum's reaction on the other hand, now that's a fucking frightened reaction. Her mum screams. She literally screams a bit when she sees me. She keeps looking at me closely then distancing her face from mine. She blinks a few times then looks at Stephen with dilated orbs. His face is so red and hers is so pale. It's like they've seen a ghost.

I don't even look that much like her.

"Now she probably thinks I have psycho parents. Thank you very much," Tegan says, glaring at both her parents.

I kind of feel bad for Tegan. She's literally sleeping with someone that looks like her mother. I wonder if it bothers her. I wonder if she has some Oedipus Complex type of feelings.

And look at me applying my stupid studies to our relationship. Yup, we're gonna get real far with this.

"Oh my God," her mum finally says, placing her hand above her chest. "I'm so sorry, Sara."

"It's okay," I whisper.

"No, it's not, sweetie. You just kinda reminded me of myself when I was a bit younger." Tegan facepalms again. "I'm sorry, Teegles." Her mum laughs. "I don't want to make that awkward for you. It's just, you know..."

"Okay, mum," Tegan says. "Thanks for the warm welcome and everything. Me and Sara are going to rest a bit in my bedroom. I'm pretty sure she wants some time to get over this trauma you just caused her."

"Alright," Sonia says. "I'm sorry again, Sara. Rest for now and we'll get to talk later."

"Ya, ya," Tegan says. "I want food, okay? Like good yummy food. We both suck at cooking," Tegan shouts while holding my hand, dragging me upstairs.

Her mother's house is very cozy and beautiful. It's all furnished and there's no inch left without something in it. Her mother has lots of books and a large bookshelf. I'm intrigued to go and search there and find something to read. I don't think I'll be able to finish anything in just five days, but I will fulfill my time if I get the chance.

Tegan's room is the first room down the hall. Tegan tells me the room right next to hers is a bathroom. Her mother's bedroom is at the end of the hall. There's also another room opposite to Tegan's, it's the guests room. This house isn't as big as my parents', but I think I like it more. And I also like how it's full of things and seems messy from afar but it's actually pretty neat and artistic. I like how it's full of colours, unlike the grey and white theme my parents have for their house. I like that there's a very small garden outside with plants like the ones Tegan is growing in our apartment. I also like that there's a cedar swing that only fits two persons and a half in there.

When I get inside, Tegan closes and locks her door right away. She sighs loudly and turns me around before I can sit on her mattress. "I'm so sorry about all that."

I give her half a smile. "It's okay. They're not worse than my parents."

"I mean, that was just weird." She sighs again.

Her room is also full of many things. There's a damn basketball hoop on her door. There's a computer. Of course there's a Spongebob poster right next to the New Kids on the Block poster. There's also a poster of Joan Jett in a sheer black shirt, with nothing under it. Tegan smirks when she sees me eyeing that poster in particular. "Oh, yes," Tegan says, "when my grandmother first entered my room after I have put this poster up, she made me read some bible verses that I have no idea what they mean till now." I turn around looking at her with a raised eyebrow. "She's very religious," Tegan says. "And I wasn't out by then. I was fourteen."

"I had this poster of Demi Moore on the beach with this red, I don't know, nightgown or a dress up on my wall. And, like, the dress thingy is stuck on her body and her hair is wet and she's looking so fucking hot. And like her boobs looked so good in it. But then my mum made me take it off before I went to college because Joy was growing up and that poster was apparently too sexual and I was objectifying women by putting it up." I take a long breath after I finish my sentence. "I guess she's right."

"You know," Tegan says, putting her fingers through my hair, "if I could paint you like one of my French girls and put your painting up in our place, I'd do it. I'd paint you so well. I'd make sure to paint every detail on your body. Anyone who'll come to our house will feel very jealous of me having you." She kisses my lips.

"You're objectifying me again," I say lowly after I pull away.

"I just really think you have a beautiful body," she says. I give a nod and smile. "Hey, Sare?"

"Yes?"

"I think, maybe, it's time for a haircut?" She bites her lower lip, playing with a ponytail she has made with my hair using her thumb and index. "You know, I just really don't want to see my mum when I look at you while sucking your tits. That's just really...ya."

"Okay." I laugh. "I was thinking of getting one."

"Me too," she says.

"Why? I like your bangs." I mess up her little grown out chopped bangs.

"So now you do?"

"Yup." I give her a sincere smile.

Tegan and her grandfather are the ones who cry the most in the funeral. Her mum, aunt, and uncle are very strong and barely shed any tears. Maybe Tegan is actually a very sensitive girl after all. I am very sensitive, but I didn't think Tegan is. And her grandfather is so adorable. He's so sad. I bet he loved her grandmother so much. I wish I can have that love. I wonder if Tegan will cry like that after I die if we actually stay together this long. I hope she doesn't die before me. I'd die if she did.

Why am I thinking about that?

Jeremy's here. He's very funny and sarcastic and shouldn't be in this funeral because he won't stop mocking Tegan's crying.

"Look, look," Jeremy says. "She's gonna wipe her snot with the back of her hand now." I look up at my girlfriend and see exactly what Jeremy has just said. I wrinkle my nose. "She's gonna brush her hair with that same hand." And of course, Tegan does that. "And now she's gonna rub her eyes and then wipes her hand on her clothes." Tegan does exactly that. "Enjoy the germs."

"I'll make sure she showers," I whisper. Tegan is sitting in the front with her mother and father and I'm sitting with Jeremy and a bunch of friends.

"The only thing that will get her out of this mood is some weird cartoon and a bucket of ice cream," Jeremy says again. "Or sex."

"Umm, good to know."

Her entire family have similar, but less dramatic, reactions when they see me. Her aunt won't stop whispering in her mother's ear while looking at me. That's the most annoying part of the day. Tegan's cousins are very nice and sociable. Stephen's girlfriend looks like a porn star. I don't see Sonia's boyfriend, and by night I learn that Sonia has broken up with him.

"Where was your boyfriend?" Tegan asks when we're back from her grandparents' place.

"Oh," Sonia says with a chuckle. "We broke up." Sonia's drinking wine and we're eating ice cream while sitting in the living room.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Tegan's jaw drops. "Again?"

"Actually," Sonia says, "I called it off."

"Interesting," Tegan says.

"It was just eh. Like, there was no spark." Sonia sighs. "I guess I'm just too old to love now."

"You're thirty eight. Your friends are just getting married now."

"Well, that's different." Sonia looks at me. "I basically had you when I was Sara's age and was going through a divorce. My friends didn't go through that."

Imagine me having children at this age? Holy shit, that would be funny, I'm a children myself. Like a whole package of them. Not only one child. Like there's nice, sweet Sara. There's moody, bitchy Sara. There's crying, whiny Sara. And there's fierce, dominant Sara. There are quadruplets of little Saras living in my person and I cannot even handle one of them.

"So, Sara," Sonia says, making me snap out of my thoughts, "you were born in Calgary?"

"Yeah."

"Not in Toronto?" Sonia asks.

"Nope. We moved there when I was just two."

Sonia hums and asks after a second, "You were born in September, 1980?"

"The eighth of September, yes."

"Two days before me, mum," Tegan says excitedly. Sonia smiles and nodes.

Sonia continues asking me many questions about my family, my dad's job, my mum's family, and more. I thought my parents were noisy and curious but this woman takes the prize. I think Tegan senses my irritation when she tells her mum we're going to sleep, interrupting her from getting another answer from me. I guess she's just a protective mum and wants her daughter to be with someone good. Maybe me being in university at this age makes her feel uncomfortable. Maybe she thinks I'm a bad influence on Tegan.

"I'm so sorry about that," Tegan says as soon as she switches off the lights and gets with me in bed. "I don't know what's wrong with her. She never interfered nor cared."

"Maybe she thinks I'm a bad influence since I'm still at college?"

"Mum?" Tegan laughs. "Hell, no. She didn't go to school because she was pregnant with me and didn't even care about it till later."

"Can I ask you a personal question?"

"There's no personal between us. You can ask anything."

"Are you a mistake?" I ask. "I mean, were you made because they wanted a child or an oops situation?"

"I actually wondered about that and asked them. They both said they wanted me and knew they were very young but they were very excited to have a baby. Plus, they got married before I was even conceived." Tegan takes my hand and holds it. "Why are you asking? You think you're a mistake?"

"I'm pretty sure I am." I chuckle. "Or else I wouldn't have ended up on another person's door."

"Not necessarily," Tegan says and squeezes my hand. "Maybe your parents were very poor. Maybe they died. Maybe they had no other choice but to leave you there."

"I guess you're right." I sigh. "Was your grandma okay with you being gay? You know, you said she's very religious."

"I said religious not hateful." Tegan snorts a bit. She turns around to sleep on her side and faces me. "I was scared of telling her the most. I didn't care about my mum. But mama's opinion is what I cared about mostly. I made my mum tell her and I hid away from her. She kept calling my name, looking for me. When she found me I started crying. She hugged me and kissed my forehead and told me all those sweet things about loving me no matter who I am. You know, the same situation with your parents."

"Aww." I cuddle up to her, burying my face in her neck. "She's sweet."

"Yes, she was."

In the morning, after breakfast, Tegan leaves me alone to go to the bathroom with the giant bookshelf in the living room tempting me to go and fish anything out of it. And so I pace to the bookshelf and look at the different books in there. Sonia passes by and smiles at me.

"You can take any book you want, Sara," Sonia says. "You like to read?"

"Yes. I love to read novels."

"Oh, it's actually full of psychology books. Thought maybe you'd benefit from them. But there are some novels, mostly very old ones."

"I like the classics," I say. "And thanks." I smile at her before she goes back to the kitchen.

I actually pick a psychology book to read whilst Tegan in the shower. The book interests me because it's talking about children who are raised without their biological parents and how it affects their personality and relationships later in life. I'm not usually attracted to scientific information, but this one caught my attention somehow. When I open it, I find many notes written in each page. Sonia has highlighted some things and has written some notes. She's a smart woman. A very smart woman. She has her own clinic now and is able to financially aid herself. Tegan told me that Sonia worked as a counselor in schools until she gathered some money to start her own project.

I lose the time in reading until I hear sounds coming from the kitchen. I try to focus on the words in my book until the words from outside the living room pull me in and make me want to listen, even though I know that's wrong.

"How am I going to know?" Sonia asks.

"You have to find out." I guess that's Stephen's voice. I guess he came while I was reading.

"I can't find out anything. My mother is the only one who knows every detail."

"Why did you let her? Why didn't you ask her? It's been how many years? Too many years. You should have asked and checked."

"Asked and checked?" Sonia's tone rises. "She told me she died. You were there. She told us both."

"I never believed that," Stephen says.

"And what am I going to do about it? There's nothing I can do. Now mum's dead and there's just nothing I can do."

I try my best to focus on the words in front of me but I just can't. I have no idea what they're talking about and it probably doesn't concern me but I just listen because their voices are close to me.

"I'm pretty sure it's just some coincidence. Plus, I asked many questions. I made sure," Sonia says again.

"Sara?" I hear Tegan shouting from upstairs.

"Yes?" I shout back. Suddenly, I stop hearing the voices.

"Can you come up here for a minute?"

"Sure." When I leave the living room, I find both Sonia and Stephen standing there at the kitchen door, both looking at me with their mysterious eyes. I smile politely and go up. I find Tegan's head popping out of the bathroom's door with her hair wet and dripping. "What do you want?"

"Can you come inside?"

"Tegan, no," I say. "Your parents just gave me the weirdest look while I was coming here."

"My dad's here?"

"Yes."

"I just want you to help me with the piercing."

"What did you do now?" I huff, pushing her body inside and closing the door behind.

"Nothing. I just want you to put it back. I didn't put it back since last week." Last week I removed her piercing again because I wanted to suck on her breasts during sex.

"You still haven't put it back?"

"Well, apparently not." She points at her breasts. "That's what I just said."

I haven't seen her body since last Friday, and that's not good because now I'm getting seriously turned on and there's no way I am having sex in this small house with her curious parents around.

"Okay, come here." She walks up to me and I hold her hip to stop her where she is. "Give me the first one." She hands me the tapered barbell and takes a deep breath. "Tegan?" I say after I take a close look at her nipple. "I think it's closed."

"What?" she yells. "No. It can't be closed."

"I really think it is. Or maybe the hole shrunk down because it's been a week."

"Taper it back in. I don't know, just do it. Please. Just push it. I'm sure it will open again." She's beginning to panic. Her legs are shaking and her face is worried.

I place my hand over her briefs-clad hip to stop her movement. "Sit on the counter." I motion at the cabinet's countertop in her bathroom. "Did you clean your nipples with sea salt and water?"

"Of course I did. And very well."

"Uh, hold your breast and, like, pull it up." She does what I tell her without any hint of discomfort or bashfulness. "Put up with the pain."

"Be gentle, please."

"We can lube it or something?"

"No. Just try right now. I'm pretty sure it will open. It was open last night."

I take her word and put my hand above hers. She pushes my hand and places one finger above her nipple and one below it, making it easier for me to focus my attention on the nipple itself. She takes a breath when I push the taper slowly through the almost nonexistent hole. She starts squealing and wriggling the more I push, which isn't helping at all.

"Should I stop?" I ask.

"No, no. I can feel it in. Push harder."

"If your mum's standing outside she'll probably think we're doing another thing." I try to ease the pain by talking, but it's not working. She's crying now with her eyes tightly shut. I have no idea why she wants to do that to herself.

By the time the first jewel is in its place again, Tegan has managed to bite my shoulder because of how painful the process was. The fact that there's the other nipple that I'll have to hurt again makes me really upset.

"The second one." Tegan sighs, wiping the sweat off her brow. "I'm never removing it again for your tits fetish."

"I will kill you myself if you do."

Thankfully, the second jewel goes in very easily, without the tears nor the squirming and biting. I suppose her left piercing took time because it's the one she injured once and the one that's always hurting her.

And thankfully, her mum isn't outside listening to us. She doesn't even question us nor look weirdly at us when we come down again.

Her mother is nice. Her father is too. I would love spending more time in her house in circumstances better than this. Five days aren't enough, unlike what I have thought. That psychology book is the only thing I read while I am there because Tegan spends the following days taking me to different places in the city.

She shows me her old high school. She takes me to her favourite coffee shop and buys me coffee. She also takes me to the movies on the weekend. We actually have a date. I never realized that we never had a date until I'm with her alone, watching a film I got to choose. I know it's boring for her to watch drama, but she's nice enough to let me pick the movie. She's also cute enough to make out with me in the making out scene.

But we never have sex in these four nights we stay there. Her mother is that person who stays up all night, watching soap operas or chatting. So we usually drink with her mum and chat until all three of us start falling asleep on the sofa. We all go to bed then and sleep till the next morning.

Her mother is also a very good cook. She likes coffee so much, just like me. We discuss some stuff in psychology and she tells me about that paper she once had to edit and how much she really liked my thoughts. Nobody ever likes my thoughts. Even Tegan made fun of the incestuous ideas I have put in there. But Sonia encourages me to write more papers like these and post them online.

Tegan becomes curious and probably feels left out and asks me to read Moll Flanders and Oedipus Rex. I tell her I'll give her my copies when we're back. Sonia gives me a novel called Sons and Lovers. She tells me this novel is her favourite and that when she wrote a paper on it in college she got a very bad mark for her obscene suggestions and remarks.

"This thing happens. It exists," Sonia says, "Love between two related people. It happens and it is there. Why suppress it? Why deny it? Why reject the facts?" I can see that Tegan is very disturbed by our conversation, she's sitting there with her head back and her eyes wide open. "I know it's illegal and probably disgusting to everyone, but from what I have seen these years, I know that some love between two siblings, for example, can be better and stronger than the love between any other two strangers."