Trigger Warning: Violence, abuse, and drugs are mentioned. Also, the names of places I mention are all fictional so I'm not sure if these exist anywhere in the world or not so yup.
Tegan
"Oh my God. Why did you do that?" Emy screams as soon as I enter the kitchen, yawning and rubbing my eyes. I squint my sleepy eyes at her then look at my girlfriend standing in the corner with her coffee cup in her hand, sipping it and smirking. "You two," Emy says again, "you look like fucking sisters."
"Oh my God, no," we both say at the same time.
"Shut the fuck up," I say and then yawn again. "You should be complimenting me, bitch." I take my seat at the kitchen table, throw my head on it and yawn once again, covering my eyes with my hands. "I want food," I say.
"Obviously you look good. I liked it on Sara before, but you guys," Emy says, "you really do look alike right now. Did you even look at yourselves in the mirror?"
"I didn't make her do it, she did it. I was just like, okay, well, nice haircut you got there," Sara says.
The only reason I got the same haircut as Sara is because I really like the mullet on her. Actually, everybody does. For the past month, I have been hearing random strangers complimenting her on her hair. It's a mullet, who the freaking fuck likes mullets anymore? But Sara looks fucking hot in it. And Sara got asked out twice...in front of me. I felt jealous, maybe, yes. I did. I also wanted to see how it will look on me. And also wanted to let them know she's my girlfriend. But everybody thinks we're just friends and she's still dating Emy. I don't get it. Emy says they think we three are all good friends and not dating each other. Maybe it's because we hang out with Emy separately most of the time.
To be honest, Emy's nice and understanding. She can see things. She can tell us what to do. Two weeks ago Sara and I had a heated argument about her doing all the housework and me doing nothing. I was very angry. I do everything, not nothing. Yes, she cleans, she cooks, she buys the groceries, she does the laundry, but I also study and work hard and pay bills and have a freaking job. It's not easy to do all these together. I've been drowning in my midterms and I was stressed so I yelled at her and said very mean things to her. Emy talked to me aside. I didn't like the fact she told Emy about the fight at first, but I know by now that she tells Emy everything and I can't change that, she's her best friend. Emy made me calm down and see everything in Sara's perspective. I didn't know that Sara feels useless and helpless. Sara also gets bored alone until I return from work. Emy can barely keep her company anymore because she's studying hard as well, she's a graduate. Emy made me apologize to Sara and make up with her.
Anyway, I mainly got the haircut because I like it on Sara and I want everyone to connect me to her when they see us together. I don't want it to be Sara and Emy and that freshman. No, I want it to be Sara and Tegan and Sara's ex. Yes, that's how I want it to be.
"I want fooooood," I whine as I can hear my stomach growls. Sara pushes a bowl of cereal in front of me and joins us on the table.
"How are you feeling today, Teetee?" She rubs my back soothingly after I sit up.
"Why? What's wrong with her?" Emy asks before I get the chance to speak.
"She took double her shift yesterday and came back very late and was very tired," Sara answers, still giving the best back rubs ever. Her hands are amazing. I am in love with her hands and all of her. God, she's so fucking sweet.
I smile at Sara and wink while Emy's not staring at us. I see my girlfriend blush as she smiles back. "I'm feeling much better," I say.
I was very tired and moody last night. My feet hurt so much from standing and my head was pounding. Sara was very sweet and caring; she rubbed my feet after I showered and made me sleep on her lap as I watched a film in the living room. I woke up after a few hours and found her asleep while sitting and the TV was still on. I woke her up and we went to bed and cuddled. We haven't cuddled for quite awhile. When these cute moments happen I cherish and appreciate them even more because I'd be missing them and needing them.
"Okay, so what are you guys doing tonight?" Emy asks.
"I'm taking Sara out. It's been awhile since we went out on a date," I answer very quickly, looking at Emy. She nods while pursing her lips.
It's Saturday, and it's the day Emy usually spends with us till the next morning. It's been forever since Emy joined us in bed. She's been busy and we've been very busy as well. We haven't even had sex since a week ago. And we didn't have any reason not to sleep together, but we've been tired and college has been hectic. Tonight I want to take Sara out on a fun little date and then sleep with her. I don't want something romantic or anything, I just want a calm evening. I just want to be alone with my girlfriend.
"Really?" Sara's teeth show as she smiles widely. "You're taking me on a date?" She's very excited and it's very cute to watch.
"Oh, yes." I laugh a little.
"Oh my God, yes," Sara says enthusiastically. "I miss going out with you." She hugs my side and kisses my cheek. From the corner of my eyes I can see Emy smiling weakly while looking down at the table. She's not looking at us but smiling. I'm not sure what that means but it breaks my heart just a little bit. I expected to see her with a bitter, mean look on her face, but she's smiling and her eyes are twinkling.
...
Since ever Joy has turned 11, it's like some hormonal, annoying monster has taken over her body and brain. She's been calling Sara each day whining about school and their parents. Whenever I enter our room, I see Sara video chatting with Joy. Sara would look at me for help and I would try to take her place to reason with the little girl. I don't remember being that annoying when I was her age. I was just...a little girl. And Sara was too, probably.
Now I enter my room to get dressed and find Sara walking around, getting dressed and talking. At first I assume she's talking to herself, then I see the laptop on the bed and hear her huffing and hear the sound of annoying teenage frustration. Sara, buttoning her shirt, looks up at me with pleading eyes to take her place and I sigh, moving in front of the screen.
"I was talking to Sara," Joy says as soon as she sees me.
"We're getting dressed. We're going out," I say.
"I think my social life is more important than you going out."
"Don't be a bitch, Joy," Sara says from across the room. She's taking off her pajama pants to wear her jeans.
"What happened to you all of a sudden? We left you four months ago and you were this sweet little girl who didn't say these mean things." Joy rolls her eyes at me. "Your name should not be Joy it should be Bitterness."
"Tegan," Sara mouths.
"What?" I shrug.
"You are a bitch," Joy says. "Sara, you're dating a bitch."
"I'm not," I say. I hear Jessica calling Joy from afar. "Your mum wants you, now go."
"Joy, we'll talk later. I promise you. I know mum and dad can be so annoying and they seem as if all they want to do is destroy your social life but they're caring and they love you and want you to be safe."
"Ugh, fuck off." And then Joy closes the chat, leaving Sara and I dumbfounded staring at a black screen.
"Okay, what the fuck has happened to her? She was playing Lego less than four months ago."
"Puberty happened," Sara says while combing her hair. "And a bunch of very cool kids that she wants to hang out with but mum and dad aren't letting her because dad saw one of these boys smoking with a girl while grabbing her in places a boy should never grab a girl...that's what dad said to her." I begin taking off my pajamas while laughing.
"Ahhh, the smell of teenage rebellion. I was there once. I just didn't have an old daddy to care."
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure my dad is exaggerating." I hum as I look in the closet. What to wear? What to wear? "I think this generation gap between her and my parents is making her even more angry. That's why she's more comfortable whining to me." I sway my underwear-clad butt from side to side as I try to decide what to wear. A Black and white striped sweater or a black shirt with naked women on it? But it's cold so I'll probably have to wear a jacket. "What are you doing?"
"Huh?" I look back at Sara.
"Do you have to pee?"
"No. I don't know what to wear." I smile at Sara.
Sara sighs. "Okay, let me see." Sara picks something for me to wear each day. I never know what to wear and if I tried to decide I'd miss the bus, never go to university, and just be a failure. "Where are we going again?"
"Well," I start, "I was thinking we'd get hot dogs from Uncle Joe's and then we'd walk around and get some ice cream. I know it's kinda cold. But now we can walk around if we're wearing something good since there's no snow anymore and everyone's out." Sara nods, focusing on choosing me something to wear. "Or if you want something else, we can go catch a movie or something." I toy with my piercing as I wait for her to decide.
"Here you go." Sara hands me a plain blue button down and then my grey pants. "But you'll have to wear your coat while we're walking." I nod, taking my clothes. "Oh, and first option sounds nice." She kisses my lips.
...
"So," Sara says after tasting her cotton candy ice cream carefully, "what made you think of spoiling me today?" When something cold gets inside Sara's mouth she wrinkles her nose adorably and her eyes shut for a second until she gets used to the coldness on her sensitive taste buds. It's something I've always noticed. No wonder she likes cotton candy ice cream so much, she's as sweet as that. She's adorable and cute and the prettiest woman my eyes have fallen on. I have no idea how my mum gets bored of the people she dates quickly or they get bored of her like that. I can never be bored of Sara or how she looks or these little things she does. She's the cutest and the sweetest and the loveliest person ever.
I laugh a bit before I answer her. "I miss you so much and I want to spend some good time with you. To talk and such, you know."
It's quite colder than I thought. Even in April Canada's this cold. Or maybe because we're both having an ice cream while walking around in the city. Women are walking with their kids and teenagers are laughing on the sidewalk as they tease each other, and then there's us, holding cold hands while the other two hands holding ice cream cones. We both have the same haircut and we're both making everyone look at us. I wonder what they say in their brains. I bet they think we're the cutest. I bet they say that Sara is the cutest with her cold little nose and her cute little eyes and her pouty mouth and her cloud of cuteness. God, she's so cute. She's so damn cute.
"You're so fucking cute," I say, not able to hold it in. Sara giggles like the little cute human being she is and my heart dances because I just want to hold her tightly.
"First of all," Sara says, "how do you miss me when we're together everyday, silly?"
"I just do." I shrug as I blush.
"Second of all, thank you." She giggles again and this time I peck her right away and taste her ice cream on her beautiful lips.
"Mmm," I say. "Yummy lips." Sara giggles once again.
"Tegan!" she whispers, giving me a shy look. A man and a woman are looking at us and the woman's smiling. I made Sara embarrassed and shy and she's even cuter when she's like that.
"God, Sare," I say. "You have no fucking idea how much I want you right now. Like, right now." Sara giggles once again. "Let's walk home. I can't take it anymore. I wanna throw you on that bed and do things to you. Too many things." I turn her around quickly, pulling her by the hand as she laughs and we run together.
"Tegan, wait," she says while laughing. "My ice cream's gonna fall off." I slow down while laughing with her, placing a hand over my chest. I begin to cough and laugh. "Babe, are you alright?" I nod. My eyes are getting teary from laughter. I don't care who's looking at us. I've never felt so alive and so happy. Nobody has ever made me so happy by just existing there beside me. "Do you want your puffer, Teetee?"
I shake my head as I look at her. We're both standing, facing each other. She's still taking tempting licks of her ice cream and I'm becoming more wet by the minute. "Sasa, you know how you once wanted to, you know, film us doing it?" She nods, her eyes scanning me as her tongue moves against the frozen milk. I'm pretty sure she's doing this on purpose. "I really want to try it tonight. I want to hold the camera as I do you and watch you squirm and squeal under me. I want to make you come a lot and record it so we can watch it later and you can see how fucking beautiful you are while you come."
I don't think I have ever made her as shy or as hot as now. Her eyes dilate and her smile appears. Her lips are smudged with ice cream and her tongue is moving to the corners to lick any remnants left, but she keeps missing the ones on top of her lips. Her cheeks are crimson and beautiful and her hands are shaking in mine. After I kiss her again to clean her lips, she tugs at my coat indicating we should hurry back home.
By the time we're home, we're both laughing loudly. We climb up the stairs running together as if we're one of those teenagers who couldn't wait to put their hands on top of each other. She fiddles with the keys as I tickle her. We don't give one single damn about the neighbors, we're that high on merely our needs and happiness. She finally opens the door and runs quickly to our bedroom.
"I'm comin' for ya," I say loudly, locking the door. "Don't think I won't catch ya." I can hear her loud laughter coming from the room. The apartment is very dark and none of us bother to switch any lights on, not even in the hall. I can't think right now. The only thing that's thinking in me is my pulsating clit and my banging heart.
I run to the room and kick my shoes and take my socks off as I stare at giggling Sara, lying half way on the mattress, making her body use her elbows for support so she's lifting her head to look at me. I walk to the edge of the mattress and take her shoes and socks off. I unbutton my coat and then lean down to kiss her while my fingers unbutton her parka. She sits up to get herself rid of it and I kiss her again.
I strip us both and Sara moves her body back to rest her head on her pillow. Her legs are closed and her hands are stroking her thighs. I shut our door, close the curtains and switch on both of our lamps so I can see and the camera can film better. She's still giggling as I walk around the room searching for the things I need. I look inside her sex toys box and grab both the vibrator and the strap on.
"Want lube?" I look back at her; one hand on her stomach and the other on her breast, just resting there.
"Are you planning to make me unable to walk in the morning?"
"If you want to." I shrug, sending a wink her way.
"Well, then I don't need it." She squeezes her breast, pushing me to hurry the fuck up. I plug the magic wand and place it on the mattress next to Sara then I strap myself in front of her. She's biting her lips and rotating both her nipples. I think I'm the one who needs to be fucked so hard right now. I grab the camera and look at her. She nods, slowly spreading her legs to give my camera the show it wants to see.
"Hey, Sasa," I say, aiming the lens at her face.
"Hey," she whispers shyly.
"Are you ready for me, baby?" I move the focus to her breasts, so beautiful and round.
"Mhm."
"Well, why don't you show me?" I film her face again. "Show me how wet you are for me." My camera moves with her hands, slowly making their way past her stomach to the shaved mound and then with one finger Sara spreads her lips for me. "Ohhh, look at that red cunt. Too bad the camera can't see how good it smells, but it can surely see how wet it is." I know I'm making Sara crazy and she really likes that, she likes being teased. "Play with it, baby, play with your little clit, it looks so beautiful on camera. So aroused and wants your tiny fingers to touch it." Sara does what I tell her without hesitation. It's like she's been waiting to do so. I moan and she moans too. I switch between her breasts and her pussy as I pinch her nipple so hard while she rubs herself. "Enough of that." I push her hand away.
I grab the vibrator and switch it on. "Do you want to come, Sasa?"
"Yes," Sara whispers.
"Say how much you want to come to the camera."
"I want to come so much, please, Tegan."
"Aww," I say, leaning in to kiss her, holding the camera up to film me while doing it. "Your pussy is throbbing right now, isn't it?" Sara nods. "Sasa's being shy," I say, kissing both of her nipples. She arches her back both times, wanting me to take more of her inside of me. "Oh, no, no, naughty girl." I push her down.
I place the camera in front of my face. "You see, Ms. Camera, Sara loves her nipples being sucked and pinched till they hurt so much. She just wants her boobs to be in my mouth all day." I turn the focus of the lens back on Sara's face. "But now it's time for your pussy to taste something sweet." Sara moans softly.
I give her the vibrator and she understands, pushing it right on her swollen clit. I film her beginning to shake as her moans rise. I myself can't take it, she's so beautiful. "How does your pussy feel?"
"Good."
"Just good?"
"Amazing."
Sara moans loudly when I pinch her right nipple all of a sudden. "Do you want something more?"
"Please."
"You're such a polite little girl when you want your cunt to be fucked." I push her hand away and she shudders. "Look at your cute pussy, it's a mess. It's so wet." I touch her clit and she jumps, I rub for few seconds then drag my two digits down until I'm at her entrance. "Let's test your pretty little hole, shall we?" Sara moans. I push my two digits in and hear more of her pleasured sounds. "All ready for me and my big cock." Sara bursts out in laughter. "Does that make you laugh?" I direct the camera at her. "Does my cock make you laugh?" Sara shakes her head, still laughing. "You wanna know how funny it is when it's inside you?" Sara nods. "Sit up, little girl." Sara looks confused, she furrows her brows at me. "What? Sit up. You're gonna fuck yourself on top of this cock." I smirk at her.
I sit in Sara's old place, feeling her fluids on my thighs. "You messed up the sheets with your juices, Sasa." My camera is filming her as she stands up on the mattress, preparing herself to sit on the dildo. I take a hold of the vibrator, waiting for her to approach me. "Come here, I'll help ya, don't be shy."
Sara places one hand on my shoulder and the other holds the dildo, she closes her eyes and my camera captures this beautiful moment when her pussy enfolds slowly around the toy and her eyes shut tightly and her stomach gets sucked in until she gets used to the feeling and sits on me properly. "There ya go. Wasn't so hard, right?"
"No," she says bashfully, both of her hands are on each shoulder. I wait for her to begin going up and down slowly. I know it's taking her a bit of time to get used to this new position, I can see it through her eyes. I wonder if she and Emy tried it. I want to ask her about it but I don't want Emy's name to be in this tape. I want it to be just us.
When Sara starts riding me in a slow rhythm, I place the head of the wand on her clit again, making her jump and quicken her pace. "Now we're talking," I mouth and Sara starts screaming as I start to thrust very hard from under her. "The camera loves you so much. It loves your pussy and your beautiful bouncy tits." I take one breast in my mouth and suck on it, watching her throw her head to the back.
Sara's voices start to increase. She has never screamed so loudly while we're having sex. I'm lost inside a song of cussing intertwined with the mention of God's name and my name together that for a moment I start to suspect that I am the God she's calling. The camera is capturing all of this. I've never seen Sara so alive and wild, yet so shy and red. She's very unique and beautiful. I bet if her birth parents knew about her they'll love her so much. I bet these fuckers regret leaving her. They should. They really should. I will never ever leave her. I can never do that. If I did I might die.
"Oh, Tegan. Tegan...Tegan...God...fuck...oh God...Tegan. Oh, shit." Sara falls down, holding my ankle from behind while I thrust in her. She's very slow and careful so I have to help, but I don't think she can take it in this position anymore.
"It's okay, babe," I say. "Get up. Hold my hand, I'll flip us." I place the vibrator on the mattress. I pause the camera and put it there then I pull Sara up. She throws herself at me and holds me tightly. I think I made her very tired and exhausted. I forgot about her asthma, it's way worse than mine. "You alright?" Sara nods. "No. I need you to tell me you can continue. I stopped the filming. Talk to me."
Sara lifts her head up and looks into my eyes. Hers are teary and her cheeks are flushed. Luckily for me, a smile grows on her face and I get a quick kiss from her after. "I love you," Sara whispers. "I want you to make me come...if you want."
"Of course I want to," I tell her. "We're gonna change back to the missionary position. Sounds good?" Sara gives me a nod. "If you want me to slow down or stop, tell me." I don't ever want to hurt her. I know I lose myself sometimes and I know how sensitive and fragile she is and I don't want to take advantage of that part.
Once I'm on top of her and inside of her again, I hold the camera up above our heads as I kiss her entire face and chest. I think she'll be very shy seeing this. I also think that Emy should hold it while we both have sex next time...maybe, if Sara allows it only. But this time is not for Emy and she shouldn't even be in my thoughts right now. All I can focus on right now is getting Sara to orgasm. It takes her some time to do so, which is good because right now I am on the verge of having my own orgasm while the base of the phallus is hitting my clit the harder and faster I thrust.
Sara's very tight which makes me challenge myself to push and push till I am at a steady quick pace. I always get so much resistance at first. Right now I have no idea what Sara's feeling because her moans and my approaching orgasm are clouding all my thoughts. Her tits are bouncing and one is in my hand while the camera is filming her face covered by the back of her hand.
"The vibrator," Sara says breathlessly. "I need it right now. I need to come, right now...right now," she repeats.
She has reached her edge and cannot take anymore teasing. I grab the vibrator and place it where it should be. Her hand starts playing with her breasts, tweaking and rubbing both of her nipples as I film, fuck, and watch. She's very beautiful. Her orgasm hits her all of sudden and I only realize it when I try to push and get immediate resistance as her walls clench around me. I let go of the toy and hold her hip. I am almost there so I push the hardest I can because I cannot stop thrusting until I come. I hear her scream while my eyes are closed. The camera falls off my hand as I hit my orgasm. I slow down and fall above her.
I'm only aware Sara's pushing my body up but is failing when I come down from my high and gain my consciousness again. I remember that I'm still inside of her and I gasp. "Shit," I mumble as I hear her soft whimpers. I pull out of her very slowly so I wouldn't hurt her and I hear her suck in her breath. I look up and watch her eyes shut tightly. "I'm so sorry. I hurt you, didn't I?"
Sara opens her eyes and shakes her head. I know she's lying. I should have stopped thrusting after she came. I couldn't though, because I'm a fucking selfish ass who only cares about her own climax.
Sara sits up and reaches for the camera. She toys with it a bit and then lifts her head up and says, "You're gonna have to edit that last part."
"Sara," I say, "I'm so sorry."
Sara stretches and yawns. She moves her bum to the edge of the bed. I know she's hurt. "For what, baby? That was the best orgasm I've ever had."
"Are you sure?" Sara stands up and nods. "You didn't really...squirt."
"I was going to," she says, "but I resisted it."
"Why?" I ask, getting up to follow her to the bathroom.
"Because I didn't want to." Sara pauses and turns around to face me. "I mean, it didn't really happen."
"But..." I watch Sara sit on the toilet and motion for me to go out.
"Please," she whispers." I nod and step outside.
When Sara comes out of the bathroom, I stop her and look at her eyes. "Promise me I didn't hurt you. You can tell me that. Please, Sara."
"Babe," Sara says, "you need to relax and stop thinking you hurt me whenever we have sex." I know Sara. I know when she's being sincere or not. I just cannot find her honest right now. "It was great. It's a nice change. I didn't think you'd say these words. It was cute and hot and I came. What more do you want?" She's touching my sweaty hair right now, brushing my fringe to the side. "Go wash up and brush your teeth so we can sleep. I am very tired."
I do what she tells me very quickly. I go back to our bedroom and find her on her side of the mattress, she's in one of my big t-shirts. The toys are all on one of the two chairs. I'll have to clean them in the morning. I grab a boxer and put it on and then put on a sports bra. I get in bed beside her and she wraps her arms around me from behind as she spoons me. By this gesture I know Sara's telling me that just because I was on top this time and said these words and made her shake and tear up and scream, it doesn't mean that I have the power over her and I'm not the one who wears the pants. That's what I like about Sara, she deludes you into thinking she's the weakest human being ever and needs you to survive but you know too well you cannot live without her. Both Emy and I know that. We're both dependent on her even though it seems that she's the one who is so dependent on everyone. We want the love she gives and she wants the care we provide.
I do not find Sara asleep beside me in the morning when I wake up. It is strange because Sara hasn't gotten up before me since our dorm days. I usually wake up half an hour before her, even on the weekends. I like the fact that she can count on me to make coffee and prepare breakfast. Yesterday, even though I woke up before her, I couldn't get up because I was very tired.
I take a look at the time and it's not even nine yet. We never wake up earlier than ten on Sundays, especially that we spend Saturdays having sex till very late and we sleep in because we're usually exhausted.
Oh, shit.
I get up quickly and run to the bathroom. The sex, last night, yes, I must have hurt her. I'm pretty sure I did so.
I find Sara sitting in the tub with her head resting on her knees and her eyes closed. She's taking a bath and she looks tired and hurt.
"Sara," I say timidly, afraid to approach her. Her eyes open right away and she lifts her head up. "I'm so sorry I barged in but...uh...are you okay?"
"Yes!" Sara says. "Are you okay?" she asks.
I finally step closer to the tub and sit on the edge of it. "You're hurt, right?"
"I'm a little sore," she admits. "But it's my back that's causing the issue not...down there." She laughs sweetly and my heart feels so warm all of a sudden. "Come here. Join me." She takes my hand in hers and tugs at it. I start to giggle.
"Wait, wait," I say. "I have to take my clothes off."
I remove my undergarments and dip my feet in the warm water while Sara holds my hand. I relax as soon as I sit down, facing Sara. "Alright," Sara says, making me open my eyes. "Tell me what's going on."
"What's going on?"
"Yes," Sara says, "Why do you think that you hurt me? Is it because I didn't, you know, squirt or is it because I tried to push you when you were on top of me?"
"Kind of," I answer. I'm honestly not sure where to begin. I don't really want to tell her why I thought of that. "I just...I didn't realize I was still going when you were done."
"But that's okay. I mean, it happens. I wasn't hurt, I'm not right now. Just the typical soreness in the morning after. You know, still not used to the whole dildo thing much." Sara chuckles nervously. "I don't think I'll ever get used to it like you. I mean..." By now Sara's merely blabbering because she feels nervous and bashful.
I move closer to her and hold her hands. "You're amazing, Sara. You're good in sex and it feels great inside you."
"Oh." She rubs the back of her head as she smiles.
"Sara." I sigh, playing with the water. "Let's talk about sex...honestly."
"Yes...uh, sure." Sara faces me with seriously focused eyes and I sit in front of her and face her with a grave look as well.
"Do you like what I offer in bed? Do you like how I do it?"
"Of course," Sara jumps in immediately.
"No, Sara. Focus, please." I take a breath and continue, "Am I too rough? Is my dominance likable or is it a turn off? Like, what I said yesterday, these things, did you like them? Were they a turn off?"
"I like everything you do." She frowns. "Why are you questioning it? I'm not used to you this insecure."
"Oh, well..." I scratch the back of my head like she does and bite my lower lip. "I have lots of insecurities, believe it or not." I don't know why I start to tear up.
"Oh, no, Tegan, that's not what I meant." I hear the splash of the water and then feel Sara's skin against my own. My eyes are closed and tears are running out of them. "I know you're a very sensitive girl. I know you have insecurities. I know you try to hide them and appear as the big tough girl. I appreciate your strength and I act as if it is there and there's no weakness because I don't ever want you to feel that I can see these weaknesses that you do not like to show."
"It's just hard." I sob while she hugs me. "I didn't know I was this terrible to you until Emy mentioned it."
"Emy?" Sara asks, looking at me.
"Sara...she told me that the way I yell is violent and aggressive and said that I show signs of abuse towards you. Like, the other day, she was there when I threw that vase. I didn't mean to throw it. I was angry. And I guess she's right. I did break Jeremy's nose once because I was very angry. I did hit you before. I did throw a chair at you and a vase because you just wanted to talk to me about something that bothered you. I did hurt you in bed. I hurt Emy so much last time, did you know that? She bled, Sara. I fucking made her bleed."
I look up at Sara who has a wide confused gaze. I know she's thinking about all that I've done and all that is me and I feel disgusting and terrible.
Sara holds my face in her hands and looks me in the eye. "Listen to me," she says in a voice I have never heard before, a voice so mature and so serious and so sad. It's raspy and breaks my heart. "Emy's our friend, yes; our bed buddy, yes; we like her and want her to solve some of our issues because we want help with them, yes; but Emy has no fucking saying about how we treat each other. Tegan, if I did not like the way you talked to me I would put a stop to it and be sure of that. If you hurt me I'd say it to your face. I once told you that when you hit me you couldn't stop. After that you never touched me in a way I didn't want. Yes, I would love for your anger to be controlled and for you to listen to me but I also understand that you're going through a lot as well. At the end of the day I do think that I should give you a break. At the end of the day I do want you to give yourself a break. I'm a whiny person, you're a pragmatic one. We argue like couples do and Emy can never say anything about it." Sara sighs, looking at me. "And as for the sex part then go easy with Emy, she's sensitive. But do it the way you do it to me because that's how I like it."
I nod with tears, hugging her like a little child and breathing on her chest. "I love you so much."
"I love you too, Tegan," Sara says. "Don't let some talk get to you. If you hurt me I'll tell you. If I hurt you, you'll tell me. Everything works out with a little conversation. If you're having a problem with something in the past I'm more than happy to help, babe." She kisses my head and I can't help but release a loud cry.
"You're gonna be the best therapist, Sasa."
"You really think so?"
"I know so." I look up at her and wipe my tears. "I want you to forgive me for each time I yell at you. I am more sensitive than you and, yes, I do try to hide it because I want to be strong. I want to carry myself. I don't want to end up like those kids who had a tough past and so they grew up bitter and spiteful." Sara's touching my face right now. "You're the only one I can just easily tell her about things I just cannot say out loud. You know about my step dad, about my first time, about how many girls I slept with, about my mum's failed relationships, about my insecurities and my inner struggles. You're the only one who knows about these things and I really wish nobody else would know about them. I also wish I'd never ever regret telling you about them."
"It's hard to trust someone, I do know that. I don't blame you for feeling like you'll be hurt. I don't blame you for this defense mechanism that you have. I know exactly why you throw things when you're angry. I will never criticise you because I know it. And I don't know it because I'm the therapist-to-be Sara or whatever, I know it because my heart can reach yours and my mind can understand yours and I am just your lover Sara, the girl who loves you and wants you beside her all the time." She gives me a look, a very beautiful look with her eyes, a look that says I should trust her; and I really do because I cannot not do that after these words. "If I ever hurt you then I deserve whatever bad thing shall happen to me."
"Don't you get scared of our love ending? Like it happened to you and Emy?" Sara shakes her head with a smile.
"That's the one thing I'm not scared of."
"How? I'm scared you'll leave me when you find a better one."
"I'm scared I can never find love as good as this and I'll love you too much till it hurts."
"Wow." I feel myself blushing. "You're pretty romantic."
"I try." She shrugs, brushing her fringe away. Her cheeks are red. Her smile is shy.
"That was a good talk. I liked it."
"I'll never leave you. I'll never hurt you. I trust you and trust that with time you can use conversation instead of throwing things around the house."
"I promise you I'm gonna work on that." Sara kisses me. I feel her wet hand on my wet back.
"Let's wash ourselves and go make breakfast."
...
"This feels so good," Sara says and a low, sexy moan follows her words as my hands rub the cold gel on her back.
"Doesn't smell so good though," I say.
I move my hands all over her bare back as she rests on the sofa and puts her legs over my lap. Her head is turned around and she's looking at me. I give her lower back soothing rubs with my thumbs and index.
"I'm sorry," Sara says. "That's what the pharmacist gave me. She was too hot for me to ask for something else. Her cleavage was..." Sara stops talking when I raise my eyebrows. She bites her lower lip and laughs cutely. "I'm just kidding. It was a man. And he had no cleavage."
"I'm gonna pretend I believe that." I rub some more and focus on the lower spot that hurts her all the time right above her left hip. "There?"
"Yes," she says gruffly. "It hurts so bad."
"I forgot about it yesterday, I'm sorry."
"No," she says. "Don't be. I got it all checked last month. There's nothing wrong but I guess it's just gonna hurt forever."
"I think it will vanish with time. My mum had a sore neck for about five years. And it disappeared all of a sudden."
The smell is making me feel like I am going to choke. This is perhaps the worst smelling medicine ever, but I'm doing this for Sara and I'm not going to complain because I don't want her to feel bad.
After I finish and leave her resting on her tummy with her eyes closed for some minutes, I slap her bum and she opens her eyes instantly, looking at me. I chortle and give her another slap.
"Leave my bum alone." Sara groans.
"It's the cutest bum ever." I lower her sweatpants and underwear quickly, revealing her bare cheeks. I put my hands on them and watch her face redden. A finger trails down until it reaches her folds from behind. My smirk makes an appearance as soon as I feel her wetness. I lower my face to her left cheek and peck softly. I feel her tense up and so I raise my head to look at her.
"Teetee," she says, "I'm kinda very sore right now," her voice comes in a whisper, a very timid one. My finger strays away from her lips and I peck her right cheek quickly.
"I'm very sorry," I say.
Sara turns around and raises her underwear and pants. "It's okay, babe," she says. "I can't believe you kissed my ass...literally." She giggles and I join her.
"It's very cute. I love kissing it."
"No, that's weird." Sara covers her face. My gaze travels down to her breasts, softly swaying the more she shakes with embarrassed laughter.
"I kiss your cunt, Sara. Pretty sure that's more intimate than kissing an ass cheek."
"Don't say it outloud." I just adore her when she's so shy. She's adorable. Her shyness masks her entire frame and covers it like a soft blanket of rose petals. Her paleness turns to redness and her face glows and her heart beats quicky; I cannot hear it but I can feel it. "It feels weird when you talk dirty while we're just sitting like that."
I remove her hands and lower my torso, looking at her beautiful eyes then kissing her softly. I pull away but keep my lips very close to hers and then whisper, "Would it feel weird if I touched your tits and talked dirty then?" I place my palm above her magnificent breasts and softly caress. I know she's caving in and probably juicing more in her underwear at the moment. I love turning her on. I kiss her again and play with her tits until the doorbell rings.
"Whoever is there knows exactly how to ruin a good moment," I say as I sit up.
"I'm gonna make it up to you later tonight," Sara says, touching my cheek. "I want you to have a good orgasm."
"Oh, God." I stand up and Sara sits up slowly. "Let me go see who's that motherfucker because right now I'm just...ya."
"It's okay," Sara says. "I was gonna push you off anyway. I have to do some studying. But tonight I'm definitely fucking you well."
"Okay...yes. Oh, God, yes." I don't think I can control myself till tonight. I need it right now. I need her body and herself and her kisses. I need her to take me.
"Holy fuck, Emy," I scream when I open the door. Emy's face full of blood greets me. "Oh my God, who did this to you?" I'm speaking quite loudly. I hear Sara's footsteps as I hold Emy before she falls. Her lower lip is cut open and her left eye is bruised and half closed. Her right cheek is bruised as well as her forehead.
Sara comes in while putting her shirt on. She gasps as soon as she sees Emy and takes her in her arms. I close and lock the door and help Sara walk our limping friend to the living room.
"Who did this to you, Em?" Sara says. Emy doesn't say anything. I look down from the window and I do not find Emy's car. She didn't come in with her keys too.
"Emy, who did this to you?" I say again and Emy starts crying. "I'll go fucking kill them. A thief? Some fucked up guys?" Emy shakes her head.
I look at Sara's concerned and silent face. She's looking straight ahead with so much fury in her eyes. I think she knows who did this to Emy, or has an idea. I've never seen Sara with such anger. Her lips are tightly pursed and her eyes are furious and enraged.
"I have to pee," Emy whispers. She tries to stand up so I go to her and help her up.
"You can't even walk. I'm so fucking worried. Fucking say something." The more I shout the more Emy cries.
I walk her to the bathroom and she lowers her pants and underwear quickly and sits on the toilet in front of me and Sara. She puts her head in her hands and sobs while she urinates.
"Tegan, get me some alcohol and cotton so I can clean her cuts," Sara whispers.
I walk out to the kitchen but then I remember that Sara has cotton in the bathroom. Then it hits me that Sara wanted me out so she could talk to Emy and so I pace very quietly to the bathroom and stand just outside. The door is still slightly ajar. I take a peek and watch Sara standing on her knees in front of Emy.
"But why?" Sara asks very quietly. I'm not sure what they're speaking of.
"I wanted it. I really did. You have no idea how in pain I am these days." Emy cries more.
"Is that the solution? Drugs gonna make your life so much better?" My eyes widen as I listen. "God, you're so stupid."
"It's a mistake," Emy says.
"A mistake happens once, Emy, not three times. This is the third time and this time is probably your last chance."
"I fucking know that," Emy says a bit loudly. "This was just a kind threat. Jenn said next time she'll make the guy do worse things. I have no idea what she means." Jenn again? That motherfucking asshole.
I really wish to barge in and fucking yell and shout but I'm not supposed to be hearing this.
"I don't know what I'm gonna do," Emy says.
"You fucked up real bad."
"I know." Emy cries more. "I don't know how I'm gonna pay her. I'm a fuck up. I can't take this pressure. I don't know what's gonna happen. I'm scared."
"Shhh," Sara says. "I'll go see what's taking Tegan so long. Get up and go to the room. You're a mess." Before I could run away, I find Sara staring at me, standing at the door. "You're gonna regret doing that one day," Sara says gravely and then walks to the kitchen.
Emy leaves the bathroom and gives me a weak smile, which I respond to by giving her another one. I hold her wet hand and take her to our bedroom. She sits on the bed as I search in my closet for something other than her bloody clothes.
"Emy," I say. I turn around and watch her unbuttoning her shirt.
"Don't judge me please. I'm in a shitty place right now. I feel like shit. I know I fucked up. It feels so hard to be this lost and lonely and not knowing what the fuck you're gonna do after college and you just want a distraction and there's nothing in your way but fucking Jenn and her drugs and it's tempting and I couldn't resist it because I'm stupid."
"Shh," I shush her. "Stop talking for a second." Sara enters the room and sits next to Emy on the mattress. "We all mess up, Emy. It happens. But we put a stop to it." Sara looks at Emy. "You made some mistakes. It's fine."
"It's not fine. I feel stupid and disgusting. I don't know why I do that." Sara rubs her back. I sit in front of her and start cleaning her cuts.
We leave Emy cry there for awhile. Emy took some drugs and promised the money later. She couldn't make the money and got beaten up. I didn't know such thing could happen, but apparently that's not the first time. The first time ever was before she and Sara dated. Second time was a bit more than a year ago and she and Sara almost broke up because of that issue. Emy promised that was the last time. Now it's happening again and Sara and I figured it's mostly for attention. We know Emy's lonely and feels scared to move on. She's scared that she's graduating and cannot find a job yet and cannot find a place to stay at. She wants a girlfriend and no one is suitable for her as she says. We feel sorry for her but Sara's angry as well.
I make food for Emy and Sara sits next to her in our bedroom. When I enter I find Sara studying and Emy's lying in the middle of the mattress while holding my spongebob pillow. Emy sits up when she sees me with a sandwich and a glass of water in my hands. I give her the plate that has the grilled cheese sandwich and place the water on my nightstand.
"This is Tylenol for your pain and headache," I say, holding the pill in my hand. "You're going to take it after you eat this." Emy nods.
Sara looks up at us while trying to memorize some words silently. "Sare, babe, go study in the living room. Do you want me to help you?" Sara shakes her head while her lips move as she repeats some of the sentences that we can barely hear.
"I'm just revising. I've studied this yesterday," Sara says. "I'm a bit hungry. I'll go to the kitchen and make me a sandwich." Sara stands up. "Want one?"
"No, thank you." We already had dinner two hours ago but I suppose the smell of grilled cheese made Sara hungry again.
"I'm sorry, Tegan," Emy says all of a sudden. "I didn't know I hurt you so much with my words."
I don't understand what she's talking about at first, but then I remember this morning with Sara and I nod, understanding that Sara has told her. Of course she has. "I thought I hurt you, nothing more."
"It was just new to me."
"You said Sara's very rough in bed. I just thought you liked it that way."
"It's true. I said that. But umm...I guess not as much as last time. Or maybe because I haven't been penetrated since, you know, the threesome."
"Oh," I say.
"Yes." She chuckles. "But don't worry. Nothing bad happened, I swear. I guess I was just taken aback when I saw a bit of blood. It was nothing though. Don't feel bad about it. I know you're a good person."
"Do you really believe that I am?" I ask. "I can never hurt anybody, Em. Especially not Sara. I'm not like that."
"I know." Emy nods. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
I guess I can say that Emy can really ruin good moments, but she's our friend and we have to help her and be her source of comfort. We allow her to stay the night and sleep between us. Sara smiles apologetically at me when I get in bed, making me remember her promise of sex tonight.
Emy cuddles up to me unconsciously and falls asleep quickly. Sara looks at me and I look at her for so long that we forget someone's asleep next to us.
"I'm gonna give her the money," I whisper to Sara.
"You don't have to," Sara says.
"She told me you gave her the money the last time."
"If we keep acting as her guardian angels she's never gonna learn from her mistake. Tomorrow I'm going to look for jobs for her."
"You're basically doing the same if you're going to look for a job. I don't want her to get more hurt if she didn't pay that whore. She needs stitches, you know."
"She didn't want me to take her to get them."
"Who's gonna babysit her tomorrow?" I ask.
"She's not twelve, Tegan."
"Sometimes it feels like she's our responsibility." I sigh.
"She's our friend," Sara says. "She'll help us when we need help too, I guess."
"Yes, I guess." I yawn.
"I'm sorry about the whole...no sex tonight thing. We could have just had sex while she's here but, like, it's not the good time, you know?"
"No, no, it's not. It will feel wrong," I say. "I guess we should sleep."
"Yes, let us sleep."