Trigger warning: Sexual abuse, violence, anal sex, light BDSM.
Tegan
Sometimes I despise the fact that Sara and I are still sleeping with Emy. Sometimes I miss it when Emy doesn't share our bed for a long time. I can't decide. It gets harder with the years. I just want to be in a normal relationship, but then again, where's the fun in that? I know I'm different and I embrace that difference and have embraced it since ever. I'm proud of the fact I made Sara more comfortable in her skin. Now she's the one who is more sexually flexible than I am. She wants to try new things and isn't scared or shy to reveal herself fully to me. The new Sara I have shaped is different from the Sara I knew two years ago. Sometimes I do miss that Sara, but then I see two red cheeks and a sheepish smile while I'm touching her and I'm relieved to see she's still there. Sometimes I wish Sara would be her sarcastic, rude self again, competing with me and challenging me. Now I do all the work while she lazes around and waits to be given everything.
I do like our domesticity but I do not like how co-dependent Sara is. She can find a job easily if she actually searches well. She doesn't like it when I interfere. She doesn't like it when I talk about the future or jobs or anything that has to do with a career. I know the entire idea of graduating is scary, but she's not young and she graduated a year ago. I can't convince her nor talk to her about it because it upsets her.
I am thankful I have a plan. I am also thankful she wants to go through it with me. I don't want to fill her in on what my father has told me right now because I don't want her to freak out. Everything in its time will be better. I'll just work hard this year and graduate with honors and then my life will actually begin and become even better from there. I am thankful for what I have but I always want more because that's who I am.
"Morning," Emy whispers, pulling me out of my thoughts. I look at the mattress from my place on the chair in the corner my my room. Emy's up, stretching and yawning. I smile and take one last sip of my coffee before getting up. "You're already leaving?"
"I have a class," I whisper. I look at my girlfriend's sleeping body then back at Emy's form. I don't enjoy the fact that I'm going to leave them alone in this state. I am jealous and my jealousy kills me even when we're all three sharing the bed; one other factor why I don't want Emy to be with us at times.
Emy walks up to me and faces me. Her small, pale hand reaches for the collar of my shirt, fixing it. She laughs softly as she unbuttons the first three buttons and buttons them again correctly. "You missed a button." She's about to kiss me when we hear the strangest type of moan from Sara. We both look at the mattress and Sara's there moving and moaning in her sleep.
My eyes widen unconsciously. I walk up there and Emy follows. "Is she having a sex dream?" I say.
"I think so," Emy whispers.
Sara squeals and we both laugh. Emy's hand brushes my girlfriend's thighs after my girlfriend throws her blanket off her body. I grab my camera and switch it on, filming Sara and laughing with Emy.
Sara opens her eyes, squinting at us in confusion. We laugh once again.
"Morning, Sasa," I say. She groans.
"Were you having a sex dream?" Emy asks. She parts Sara's legs. I focus my lens on her wet vulva. I can't get turned on right now; I have a class that I need to go to. "You were rocking your hips and moaning. You're so wet."
I dip inside her slit, feeling the saturation of her pussy. I lift my index up and taste her morning wetness. My need kicks in and my jealousy rivals with my logic. I look at Emy and feel myself sick. I don't want to leave them alone. I don't want them to be like this together. I don't want them to do anything together.
"I don't want you to fuck my girlfriend while I'm at work," I mouth my condition because I can't hold it in.
"Yes, ma'am." Emy stands up, pecking my lips and wishing me a happy birthday. I forgot it's my birthday. Emy smiles at me, assuring me nothing that my head is thinking of will happen. Maybe I attacked her or was too defensive, but sometimes I can't control it.
"Thank you," I say after clearing my throat. I look at Sara, winking at her, letting Emy know she's mine and mine only. "When are you leaving for work?" I ask Emy while still looking at Sara.
"In an hour. I'll just go shower first." I don't even let Emy finish. I walk up to my girlfriend and kiss her pink lips. She looks peaceful and relaxed while I'm tensed and angry inside.
"Happy birthday," Sara says, fixing my collars. I'm starting to think I should have ironed my shirt before wearing it.
"Be a good girl," I whisper to her and kiss her heated left cheek. If she's smart enough she'll get what I mean without having to voice it. There's a limit and Emy is crossing it right now and it's bothering me.
Class after class and the time passes by slower than ever. I get random birthday wishes from random people I don't even know...or maybe I do but I never paid attention to them. It's the joy of being a senior, hot, and charming like myself.
Sonia and Stephen call to wish me a happy birthday. Jeremy calls too, telling me he's sending me all episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD as a gift. I've always wanted those, so my screeching excitement makes everyone at the cafe look at me.
The last phone call is my least favorite because it does not hold any present...also because it is Emy telling me what Sara has done.
"I know you're upset. She just called like that. I don't think she thought you minded at all," Emy says.
"I'm not upset," I lie. "I'm just surprised she called you."
"You are upset," Emy says. "I know you too well now. You have every right to be upset. She didn't know, Tegan. I promise you."
"I guess."
"I think she didn't call you because she has something planned for you and because you had classes."
"I know she has something planned for me. She told me," I say. I serve a customer the Caramel Macchiato I was making and she thanks me. I smile at her and take my next order.
"Yes." Emy pauses and says something to Amber that I can't hear well.
"Here you go," I hand the tea to a guy. He's the last one I have to serve before my shift is taken by another woman. Now I have to run to my internship.
"Alright, sorry," Emy says. "I was helping Amber with something. Anyway, I don't want to ruin what she has prepared but she bought a toy and asked me if you'll like something like that and I told her that she should at least try it on herself first, which is what she did, and she called me saying it was so good...while using it and that's what happened. I was even busy with work. Like, it was not pure phone sex. You get it, right?"
Sometimes I feel that Emy is scared of me, which I don't like. I am not scary. She doesn't act like that around Sara, only around me. She shivers and trembles around me. She obeys me and tries not to get me angry. I am not scary. I do not bite nor hit nor yell. Yes, I am bossy, but I am not abusive or angry and she always makes me feel like I am.
"It's okay, Em." I sigh, walking in the chilly breeze of September. "It's no big deal. We've had sex together without her, too."
"Oh, yes." Emy chuckles nervously.
"It's not your fault. Don't worry about it." I try to reassure her. "I'm not angry at any of you. I swear." And I am not. I am just a bit upset. I just want to have a normal relationship at this point.
I relax more in the following hours. I drink a nice cup of coffee and Sara calls me to see how everything is going. She tells me she has things waiting for me and she wants me home soon. My boss, also, wishes me a happy birthday, and tells me I am doing a great job. I think all of these make me relax and feel much better.
When I walk inside our apartment, I smell the most delicious smell ever. And it is not the food that is making my stomach growl, but it is the radiant scent of my beautiful girlfriend. I think it's a new perfume. She smells so sweet and so refreshing. I am not even sure what's that scent, but it just makes me want to bury my face in her neck and kiss her.
Sara greets me with a soft kiss and takes off my jacket. She brushes my hair and fixes my collars. I kiss her again when I realize I am flooded in her love.
"I hope tonight will be a great night for you," Sara whispers, taking my hand in hers and leading me towards the kitchen. "I tried my best to make it special. I'm sorry I am not the best at things, but I tried." Her cheeks begin to redden.
"Don't say that." I don't like it when she feels like she can't do anything good. I look at the kitchen table. A beautiful handmade cake is in the middle. The white and green dressing looks so good. "Happy birthday, Teetee" is engraved on the cake. Not only that, but Sara has actually cooked something that needs time and effort to cook. She made the special pepper steak that my mum makes. I heard her taking the recipe last week. I did not figure out she was going to actually make it for real. I mean, Sara's pretty lazy when it comes to anything, making food is no exception. But, she made a cake and steak with chicken salad. That's like a new level of improvement.
"Okay, wow," I say. "And you doubt yourself? Sasa, you made me my favorite food and a beautiful cake." I cover my mouth with my hand and gasp. I see her beautiful smile and feel the love filling my heart.
I scan her entire body. Her white shirt is tucked inside her tight jeans and her hair looks neat and nice. I love the shaved side, it makes her look so androgynous and I love it when she looks like that. The swell of her breasts and the curve of her hips are the only thing feminine about her entire appearance and they add a very nice touch. I know she wants to touch me tonight, and I do want it, too, but I really just want to ravish her at this moment. As she ages, she gets hotter; and I just wonder each day where did I go right to get such a hot, loyal, and beautiful girlfriend. Without her, I'm nothing. I know that without her I'm nothing.
"I'd do anything for you, Tegan," she tells me.
We eat and kiss and she sings me a happy birthday and I blow my candles and make a wish that she'll be the one beside me forever. I don't want another woman. I know I can't love another woman. I know she's the only person I can love. She's the first person I loved and I know I won't love another. The thought of her falling out of love makes me scared. I try not to think about it but it pops up in my brain at times. The fact she likes Emy to share our bed makes me scared. I try my best to be the perfect girlfriend. I'm going to try to give her everything so she can always love me and be with me because without her, I am nothing.
I go to the bathroom (after we finish our dinner) to pee. Sara says she'll wait in the room. My excitement is making my stomach ache and I've never felt that at all. I'm Tegan, I don't feel that.
She didn't mention the Emy phone call at all and I didn't. I'll talk to her about it, but not tonight. Tonight is for us to be together and enjoy each other like normal girlfriends.
I skip to my bedroom shivering. "It's very cold outside," I comment as soon as I open the door to my room. "I think I'm getting sick. My throat hurts...Whoa." I pause my thoughts, comments, and steps as soon as my eyes fall on my girlfriend's glowing skin. I blink twice to make sure it's not a dream.
It is not!
I see candles. I hear soft music—music without lyrics . I look at the toys on the mattress and then my eyes gaze at Sara's beautiful body. "Wow, Sara, wow." I have obviously lost the the ability of speech.
When Sara said she's preparing something, I did expect sex. I only expected sex, however. I did not expect all of this. "First a yummy cake and a nice dinner and now this?" I ask with a high tone. I'm very excited.
"I just want everything to be perfect for you tonight. I feel like I haven't been taking care of you lately and I want to do that," Sara says.
"Baby, you're perfect the way you are. I don't need anything." Okay, that's cheesy. But, I really love her the way she is. Yes, she's lazy and sometimes she gets on my nerves and I wish she'd just gain a bit of self-confidence and believe in herself, but I love her so much.
Sara touches my shoulders and I see a little chuckle escaping her lips. She begins undressing me slowly and I stare into her eyes as she does it. Her small hands unbutton one button after the other and then they move to my pants, unbuckling my belt. I help her by pushing my pants down and pulling my legs out of the holes. She helps me take off my sports bra and I take off my panties alone. I shaved for her this morning, but comparing my mound and hers, it seem as if I have tried shaving for the first time. I suck at this thing. It's like I have a shaved half and an unshaved half and it's just messy. I see her little smirk but it disappears when our eyes meet.
Sara and I sit on our bed and I look at the toys again. "I want to try new things if you allow me," Sara says. "I bought this yesterday and I have to tell you the truth, I kinda did try it today to see if it would be good or not. I don't want to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable." I look at the yellow dildo. I'm not sure if I should laugh or not. She said half of what happened and I am glad about that. But I am imagining this thing inside of her right now and I want to laugh. This fucking dildo is big as fuck and the color is just absurd.
"So you weren't a good girl after all," I finally say and finally laugh at her.
"No. And I am never a good girl." She winks and kisses me. That tease. My lovely little tease. "Teetee?" I hum as I look into her adorable, innocent eyes. "I love you so much," she whispers.
"I love you, too."
"Is it okay if I handcuff you and blindfold you and fuck you well?" I give her a nod. My body is already preparing itself for her touches. I am already heated because of her words. "Is it okay if we use the new butt plug you've gotten?" A little confidence; she needs a little confidence. "Is it okay if I have rough, but nice sex with you tonight?" Oh God, yes.
"I want you to be the older person, Sara. I miss that. I want you to do whatever you want to do." Even though I'm probably going to end up exhausted and sore tonight, I don't mind it because my body misses her dominance insanely.
Sara surprises me with a sudden hungry kiss.
"Baby," she says with a lower octave, her lips still brushing my own, "I am the older person and will always be that even when I act like I am not." She licks my lower lip and I start to feel my juices making a puddle on the sheets. Yes, this is the Sara that my body has been craving.
She pushes me down and my head lands just below my pillow. I shudder a little when I feel her wet lips crushing my own, making me lose my consciousness and sway into a land full of lust and love. Her tongue moves gently but fiercely against mine. She does not let me do much and I believe this is a side I have yet to witness. It's as if she had practiced what she is doing now.
My hand tries to take a hold of her right breast when I feel its heaviness against my barbell, but she takes a rough hold of my wrist and pushes my hands back above my head. She straddles my hips and her lips curl upward as she sits there looking into my eyes.
"It's not you who does the touching tonight," she says. "And if you do, I'm gonna have to do more than just tie you up and blindfold you."
"Oh, yeah?" I ask, the left corners of my lips and left eye rise up as I watch my girlfriend being teased with words. I know I have just dared her and I know this is not good for me, but I don't mind.
"Are you challenging me?" She tilts her head to the side as I nod, giving her a daring smile.
Sara does not perform any of the fantasies that have just flashed in my mind right this second when I dared her—choking me; twisting my wrists and taping my mouth; turning me around and fucking me so hard from behind while I can't see nor speak—she only starts moving her feminine hips slowly and teasingly that I feel the drenched crotch of her thong on top of my mound, right above my crying clit. And this is how I know Sara is actually going to torture the fuck out of me the way she used to do two years ago.
Her small hand moves to her right breast. She starts kneading the flesh and I stare as wonder and heat invade my body. By now I want to slap every candle on the bedside tables and all over the room because my frustration is making me even more heated. I feel my core aching for something to fill it and so I turn my head to eye the yellow dildo, not caring anymore that it's probably too big for me. I want to be opened as much as Sara can open me and I want it to hurt in the pleasurable kind of way because it is hurting so much now in the needy kind of way that I am not enjoying. Now Sara is pinching her nipple after she has taken her boob out of her bra, and I can feel my own nipples being pinched due to the thirst I am in.
I let out a whimper escape me and Sara pauses her movement. I can see wickedness stretched all over her face. "Please, Sara," I whisper.
Sara giggles. She gets off me and looks between my legs. Less than a second passes before I feel her finger rushing inside with the quickest speed, making my thoughts halt and my breath hitch. "So soaked," she says.
"It's my birthday," I whisper again, a bit uncertain. I give her a small pout hoping she'll have mercy on my cunt and just fuck the shit out of it already.
"Awww," she says. She's not even sarcastic, she actually says it sweetly. She also lowers her head and gives me a small kiss on the lips. I sigh in content after it because her kisses give me a sense of small relief. "On all fours, now." I open my eyes and peer at her with a startled gaze. "Now," she says loudly. The sudden dominance gives me a rush and I am on all fours in less than a second.
"Right cheek on the pillow and I want you to look to your side with your fingers interlaced on the pillow, above your head." I do what she tells me. I have a trouble understanding what she wants me to do with my hands so she takes my arms roughly, interlaces my fingers and handcuffs my wrists. I can already feel how uncomfortable this position is. In all honesty, I feel like a roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. I feel my butt hole exposed to the air and feel my other hole dripping on the mattress. I take the last look at Sara before she blindfolds me, and pray that I am not getting myself into something I'm not comfortable with.
"If you want me to stop doing anything, tell me. But...don't be a pussy." Sara laughs at her own joke as I feel my pussy getting slapped at the same time. My juices make a weird sound when she slaps me and I feel my cheeks becoming red. I have never given Sara that position, ever, simply because she has never fucked me like that. She rarely even fucks me with a strapon. It's Emy who has seen most of this, and I kind of feel less comfortable with Sara looking closely at my butt hole, solely because she's my girlfriend. I do not give a fuck about what Emy thinks but I do care about what Sara thinks.
"Relax," Sara says very calmly. I think she can sense my nerves. Well, I am kind of tensed up, contracting my muscles, sucking in my stomach, and trying not to give Sara any view she did not sign up for. I take a breath and nod. I can't see anything, which is making it very hard for me to relax.
But soon enough I start to feel Sara's fingers grazing my thighs. Her touch is gentle but when you can't see anything, you focus on the feeling and just this feeling is making everything in me clench and quiver, which is only making me more nervous because I have no idea how that dildo will feel inside of me.
I start to hear light buzzing. Another sense that's heightened because I can't see, is my hearing. I know it's very light but I can hear the small toy closely and I can feel it getting there to where I wanted it to be just two nights before. I take a deep breath but soon gasp when I feel the cold jelly-like substance on my hole. I try not to make any sound as I feel Sara's shy finger there, probing and feeling around. I feel the heat climb up to my entire face and feel myself exposed in new ways. A part of me wants to cry because I'm not used to it; another part of me is feeling a sudden rush and wants the intensity to rise even more.
Then I feel Sara start pushing the small toy inside. This is how I know she's as nervous as I am. She's very careful and I can feel her shaky hand, and I can also sense her hesitation. She has a palm over one ass cheek while her other finger is pushing the plug inside.
"Sara," I say.
"Yes?" I hear a very soft voice.
"You're doing it right. Keep pushing. It gets pretty easy inside in this position. I'm not even sure it can stay in. It's kinda...small."
What the fuck did I just say? Who says that?
I want to slap my own self but my hands are tied. I just groan internally at the random stupidity that left my mouth and hear my girlfriend's innocent laugh.
I admit, feeling the vibration in my ass is not as bad as I thought. It's not better than feeling it on my clit but it is still a good feeling because it's making my clit jerk and beg for attention.
"How are you doing?" Sara asks.
"Good."
"Are you ready?"
"For the..."
"The dildo, yes," Sara finishes for me.
"Mhm."
I am very wet and my pussy hole needs attention, but when she asked me about the phallus just now, my heart started racing with the fear of getting hurt.
I start taking deep breaths as soon as I feel the head poking my entrance. Sara does not go in right away; she glides the mushroom head up and down between my slit, pushing gently on my clit and going back to my entrance, pushing so slowly in and then pulling out. She repeats the action a few times that I start to think she thinks I can't take it. Before I can open my mouth, I feel her digits on my clit. She begins rotating the button quickly, and as I focus my attention on that pleasure, I feel the thickness of the toy fill me in with one hard and quick thrust from Sara, making me moan loudly.
She stays there for a minute, rubbing my clit and feeling up the juices on my labia. I feel slight dizziness because I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of one thing buzzing in my ass and one thing too big for me in my cunt. I do not feel much pleasure when she lets go of my clit. In fact, I feel small stings and soreness that make me whimper. My hands are sweaty and I want to let go and grab the pillow, but I have no idea what Sara has done that I can't untangle my fingers to hold something.
"Are you okay?" Sara asks.
"Yeah," I answer with a sharp breath leaving my mouth.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Can I start?"
"Yes, Sara." I'm hoping the pain will switch back to pleasure when she starts thrusting.
"You know when to stop me and what to say, babe."
"I know," I assure her, already feeling her move slowly.
A rhythm starts happening. The soft, sensual music and the melody of my juices and the buzzing of the other toy all move in a strange sync with Sara's quick thrusts. I feel my brow wet with perspiration and feel my entire chest heated. I can even hear my heart beating along with everything that's going on in the room. I can smell the fire of the candles. I can smell the juices of my cunt. I can feel every little touch. If Sara touched any part of my skin, I feel it ten times more than another person can feel it on their skin. Everything in me starts shaking. I can hear myself panting but I can't feel myself doing it. I can feel strange types of pleasure mixed with pain and pressure inside of me. I can feel the clenching in my stomach and the small spasms my pussy begins to make. I can hear my moans but I cannot feel myself uttering them. In and out...in and out—I can hear Sara's small grunts but I can't connect everything together. The music becomes louder and more obnoxious. I feel the room closing in and I feel the air being sucked out of it. It's all like a hazy dream. I am stuck in the darkness, feeling too much at once. Nothing makes sense but everything is making my head spin. My breath starts to decline and I feel tightness in my chest.
"Sara," I shout. By then, I notice I'm sobbing. "Sara, stop," I shout again.
Suddenly, everything pauses. Everything stops. Her moves stop. The music is quiet, again. My heart starts beating normally, again. I can feel my skin and everything around me, again. I can feel my lungs producing air, again.
"Are you okay?
"I can't take this position anymore," I say. "Please remove the blindfold. I have to see."
In less than two seconds, Sara has managed to pull out of me, unfold my eyes, and remove the handcuffs. Before she can take the other toy out, I turn around and face her. Quickly and with worry and fear all over her features, she hands me my puffer. I inhale and give it back to her.
Suddenly, I start to feel the loss of the dildo. I start to miss it. Sara's caressing my cheeks and kissing my forehead. I close my eyes for a second and sigh, leaning my head on her shoulder.
"I'm so sorry," Sara says. "No more of this."
"No," I say. "I am sorry that I couldn't handle it. I think I am nyctophobic." I try to remember different events that made me feel this way but I can't. I guess, maybe, that's why I always loved sex in the light. Sara always wanted it to be dark. It was never this dark, some sort of light always had to be there. I do ask Sara to walk me to the bathroom and wait for me at nights, though; which can explain it. We do sleep with at least one of our lamps on. I've never been in a situation that's been too dark. Well, except when I was little.
"It's okay," Sara nods. "We'll talk about that later. Why don't you take a rest and I'll get you water? Let's sleep."
"What? No," I shout.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm still not there. I'm close. Do you have any idea how intense that was? I can still feel it inside. I am aching."
"Oh." I can feel she's confused by that.
"I just wanna look at you while you do it."
"You want me to use the dildo again?" she asks, a bit unsure. I give her a quick nod.
"Wait," I say. "I want to..." I do not continue. I sit up and squat on the bed. "Do it with your hand. I like this position." I see her eyes wide, staring at my strange position. "It makes me feel it even better...both toys."
"Alright."
Sara rests on her tummy, facing my pussy as I am in this bone-aching position. She does not take too long pushing the dildo in because I'm already well-stretched. I moan again when she pushes inside, however. Only because this position makes me feel it even deeper and much better in different ways. My clit is swollen. I touch it with my fingers and circle it while Sara pushes with one hand and supports me with another hand on my hip.
Even though I can still feel my embarrassing tears on my cheeks, I am very happy right now because the pleasure has finally taken in, replacing any kind of pain. Maybe this position is much better. I take a hold of Sara's shoulders to support myself more when I feel the intensity thicken. Sara reaches that deep spot inside, and I start to shake and my toes curl. I am moaning loudly again with every push. The vibration in my other hole is enhancing the feeling, making my head spin...in a good way.
Suddenly, I feel another feeling on my clit. This time I almost jump, but I have a good hold on Sara that I manage to balance myself. I look down and find the hitachi on my clit. Another wave of pleasure breaks through me. I bite my lip so I won't make the neighbors hate Sara and I.
I have never felt such intensity before. I am not sure what's that feeling, but I can feel my walls convulsing and I can feel the spasm that's happening inside. My nipples start to ache as I feel my entire body becoming sensitive and my toes getting numb. My stomach clenches and the strangest feeling crawls inside of it and descends down. I get hit with an abrupt, very strong shake of pleasure that makes me roll my eyes to the back of my head. This wave, once again, sends me to another one that makes everything in me tingles and my core tightens, making me jerk and squirt my juices all over my girlfriend's face right after she pulls out of me when she senses what's happening.
I fall back on the mattress, trying to catch my breath. My hand is above my chest as I am panting. The butt plug has fallen out of me, which made my girlfriend giggle...or perhaps because I squirted right on her face. I close my eyes for several seconds in order to get back to reality but Sara's fierce tongue does not let me rest, pushing its stiffness between my folds, slurping all my juices and circling my sensitive clit. I shriek when the tensity of the situation hits me, closing my legs around her face.
"No, Sara, please, no," I cry out, changing my position to the side and curling my legs. "I'm very sore."
Sara looks at me with concern. Her face is a map of my fluids. Her hair is damp and her chest is red with sweat and heat. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," I say. "That was the best orgasm I've ever had. You should pray that I can walk tomorrow. That was so fucking intense. I felt my insides raging."
"Oh, babe," Sara says with a bit of laughter. "I guess I should be sorry but I'm not. At least tomorrow's Saturday." I start getting up in order to free my bladder but Sara pushes me down. "Teetee, why don't you sleep? You're obviously exhausted. I'm gonna clean the toys and take a very quick shower then join you."
"I'm not sleeping on this filthy bed," I say. Am I becoming like her? Oh my God...I am. "I need to pee, shower with you, and change the sheets."
I watch Sara getting herself rid of the harness, questioning the fact she hasn't given me an answer. I sit up when I notice that her hand is fiddling with her pussy. She closes her eyes, rubbing her clit quickly. It does not take her long. I can't even give her a helping hand because as soon as she pushes her digits inside her hole, she bites her lips and gasps at the reaction. A minute after, she's looking at me with a flushed face. I guess she really couldn't help not to get herself there when she was that close.
For the first time since the first time I've been fucked with a dildo, I feel a slight pain when I pee. I wince a little. Sara looks at me through the mirror as she cleans the toys we have used.
I wait for her so we can both shower together. This examining gaze has not left her eyes since I had my little scene when I was in the first position.
I sigh as the warm water cascades down my skin, but Sara is frozen with something I cannot read on her features. I lean in and give her a playful kiss. I try to make her smile by giving her my own gummy smile. She only gives me a very weak half smile that makes me pout at her.
I only get the courage to open my mouth and ask her about what's going on in her brain when we are both drying off our bodies.
"I'm just thinking," she answers.
"Of what?" I ask.
"You," she says. "I feel guilty. I feel like I pushed you to do something you're not happy with."
"No, you didn't."
"Yes, I did. You were crying."
"Babe," I say, looking at her. "The dark made me anxious, that's it. I fucking squirted and it was awesome. Like, I've never had this reaction except the first time this woman used a dildo on me. And it wasn't even that strong or fun, I don't know, it just happened. Now I fucking reached a new state of pleasure I haven't reached before."
"God, Tegan," she says with frustration. "Stop rambling, trying to hide things you don't want to speak about. I am not stupid."
I have no idea what the fuck just happened, but I can feel that I have ruined the night with something I couldn't control. "You're not stupid, but you're trying to apply your stupid psychology stuff on me."
"They're not stupid," Sara says, finishing getting dressed while I'm still half naked. "I just want you to open up for me, try to get the stuff that you buried inside out of your head so you can rest."
"This mantra again?" I say with an irritated chuckle. "God, Sara, get a fucking job and leave me alone."
And that's how I ruined my birthday. I wish she'd just understand that some stuff I cannot explain because I have no idea why I do them. I have no idea why I can't stay in the dark, why I break stuff when I'm angry, why I hit myself when I'm frustrated and crying, why I have to plan and organize everything in order to feel good, otherwise I feel like I'm going to fail. I have no idea why I do what I do because what I do is normal. She thinks it's not but she, herself, has an obnoxious OCD. She cleans the toys more than two times, she cleans the freaking house each day, she has her books arranged according to color and her clothes arranged according to style. She has to dress up even if she's going nowhere. She doesn't like to rest in her pajamas like all of us normal human beings. I do not comment on what she does but she comments on what I do.
One thing I have to do, and it's making me angry right now, is having to cuddle with Sara's body in order to fall asleep. This is a new thing I've never faced before, but since we became lovers, I can't change this habit, even in our threesomes. So now I am annoyed with her and I have no option but to turn my face to the other side, or go to the living room and watch TV until she comes there and kiss me and invites me back. It always works.
"Tegan," Sara's says with a sigh as I am looking for the blanket I use when I go there whenever we fight. "I didn't mean to. I got worried, Tegan. I didn't want to ruin the night. Don't go there."
Yes, yes...before even going there. "You make me feel as if I have mental issues that I'm not taking care of, Sara. You always do that." But I don't show her that I am excited about it; I play hard to please instead.
"I know. I'm sorry. I won't say anything anymore. I'm sorry." Even though I do not believe her, I need my cuddle buddy more than anything else. I push my face in her chest and she kisses my forehead, wishing me another happy birthday and apologizing once again.
I open my eyes to Sara's voice waking me up. Her gentle tone draws a smile on my face. Her hazel eyes greet me as soon as I open my own. "Hey," I say with a yawn.
"Morning," she says.
I look up at what's in her hands and I notice a tray with a cup of tea, two slices of yesterday's cake, and a grilled cheese sandwich. I sit up as I feel my stomach growl in hunger.
"Breakfast in bed," Sara says. "You deserve it." She pushes the food in front of me and I do not hesitate to eat.
"I'm lovin' getting spoiled by you. You should be careful, I might get used to this." I wink at her, taking a bite of the sandwich. She kisses my head and sits beside me on the mattress. "Aren't you gonna join me?"
"I'm on a diet, remember? I only broke it yesterday for you." Ugh, stupid diet. This entire dieting thing happened only because the company she almost nailed a job at refused her, because she does not represent the 'ideal woman' they want. They wanted someone with no experience, which made her happy, but they wanted someone who looked feminine and, most importantly, very thin.
I admit that I can see why she's very hesitant to look for jobs after the amount of sexism and homophobia that she has encountered. My mum said that life after college is a nightmare and the real world doesn't have mercy on fragile human beings like Sara. But if Sara gains the confidence I own, she wouldn't give a fuck about what they say. However, here she is trying to lose weight because of a stupid man's opinion.
"I like your boobies, don't lose weight," I say jokingly. She rolls her eyes with the cutest smile on her face.
Sara hands me an envelope, biting her lower lip. Her fringe is covering her small eyes. "Here," she whispers.
"What's this?"
"Your birthday present. I am sorry I can't get you something better and fancier." I know the economic situation that Sara is facing is not that great, and I did tell her I don't want a birthday gift. But knowing Sara, I can't be surprised that she got me something.
"Babe, Oh my God." I gasp, covering my mouth. The two tickets of the band I love so fucking much in my hands. "Death Cab, Sare? Oh my frikin' God. I fucking love you."
Her face is flushed—so red and adorable. Her smile can't get any bigger. I kiss her sweet-looking lips and squeal. I feel so stupid for the scene I caused yesterday. I feel so guilty. She's just Sara, she's not gonna hurt me. She's not my stepdad. She loves me. She wants to show me love not touch me in the darkness while I am asleep. She's Sara, my girlfriend and buddy and the only person I fell in love with.
Oh...God.
"Sara," I say after finishing my breakfast. Sara's doing some work on my laptop because hers needs some fixing.
"Yes, babe?" She averts her gaze from the screen to look at me.
"I have to tell you something."
Sara pushes the computer, giving me all her attention. "Yes, Teetee?"
"About yesterday." I swallow hard. I don't want us to fight again.
"What about it?" Even though she has a warm smile, I notice the small flinch. I know she doesn't want us to fight as well.
"I think...I reacted like that because it brought some memories." Sara only hums, ushering for me to continue. "Of my stepdad...touching me." Sara hums again. I watch the lump in her throat going down. "It used to happen when I'm asleep. It used to be dark. I didn't know what was happening back then. I mean, he only felt around, but you know, I couldn't see anything. I used to feel blinded and feel suffocated. It scared me. And I guess...even though I didn't realize it right away yesterday...I guess, that's the reason. I mean it probably is."
"I know," Sara says. "It's okay, Tegan."
"You know?" I raise one eyebrow as she nods.
"First of all, he's not your stepdad anymore. He's not in any way related to you and he does not exist in your life, only inside your brain and memories," Sara says. "Second of all, I know you more than I know anyone else. I connected it. I know how to do that. I see it in the words you use and your actions. I know you bury some stuff inside and you don't care about them, but they're affecting your behavior. I know you can't control it. I am just like you. All human beings are alike. Some situations affect us and make us act in a certain way. It's fine. I just don't want you to feel...suffocated as you said. I don't want your past to harm you. I want your heart to feel at ease. I want you to be peaceful with yourself."
My teardrops never fail me in such situations; and here comes the fountain. Sara wraps her arms around me, rubbing my back.
"I'm sorry, Sara," I say.
She shakes her head. "You didn't do anything." I sit back in my place, nodding and wiping a couple of my tears. "Please tell me when you're not comfortable with something. Please don't make me feel guilty thinking I've hurt you. I don't ever want to do that."
I nod quickly. "I will, I promise," I say.
Sara continues doing whatever she's doing and I rest back on my pillow looking at her. I feel a bit of soreness between my legs but I don't pay it much attention. Sara, surprisingly, is still in her pajamas. Her hair is combed and neat, though. She flips through some files I haven't seen before and reads from them. She focuses on what's in the laptop again. I yawn and she looks at me with a smile.
"What are ya doin'?" I ask, yawning again.
"Jane sent me Calgary's hospital records of women who had given birth to females in the same month and year I was born. Her husband managed to do that...finally." Sara sighs, flipping through the pages.
"He actually stole old files?" Sara nods.
Sara hasn't given up her search. She comes with a new idea each few months. It results in nothing, so she gives up; then Jane gets her some information and she gains more hope. I honestly don't get why she wants to know her birth parents so much, but I can't argue with her about that because I am not in her place. Not to mention the serious fights that have happened because of that...and they were much worse than the one we had last night.
The entire problem is Jane and her husband. She married that guy and now he works in some government shit, which makes Jane not so poor anymore, and extra helpful to Sara. Sometimes I worry, because she was almost too close to find her mother at one point. There was a woman and all the evidence seemed like it's her mother, but then she met the woman and it was not her freaking mother. And thank God, because that woman was a miserable alcoholic rude bitch who lives with ten cats. Yes, ten cats and bitterness. I worry because what if Sara finds one of her relatives and they're not who she has in mind? What if it will make her upset and shocked? What if it'll make her wish she hasn't found them?
"Tegan, look," Sara says, handing me the file. "Do you have another Clement with an S that gave birth in the 19th of September in your family?"
"Nobody I know." I look at the sheet. "She birthed a girl."
"There are probably lots of Clements with an S other than Sonia, anyway."
"Yup," I say. "And mum was 14 not 41 in 1980." I point at the age. "Mum was probably whoring around with dad, though. She told me they started having sex when she was thirteen."
"Holy fuck." Sara tries to stifle a laugh.
"I know. She was a slut, which explains me."
"I was so dumb when I was thirteen." Sara sighs.
Suddenly, we hear some buzzing from my laptop. Sara laughs loudly. "Oh, look," she says. "It's your mum wanting to do a video call. What a coincidence." Sara hits accept before I tell her to. Mum appears with her very cheerful smile as usual, almost blinding my sleepy eyes. "Hey Sonia," Sara says...with a similar enthusiasm.
I will never understand morning fucktards.
"Hey, guys," mother says. "I was so surprised to see you online. Tegan never wakes up before 1:00 PM on Saturdays."
Why would I?!
"Yes. I'm the one who's using her laptop. But she's awake, thanks to me." Sara wiggles her brows at me.
"Hey, mum," I say, then yawn.
"Hey, honey. How are you? How was your birthday? What did you guys do?"
"We fucked so hard I can't walk," I say loudly. Sara shoots me a fiery glare, her entire face turning beet red.
"Okay, I don't wanna know that," mum says. "Tegan, your father came earlier and guess what?"
"Hmm?"
"He fucking has your office ready. It's only waiting for you to receive it." My eyes widen. Sara's eyes widen. My mum's eyes are already wide with excitement.
I jump up and push my face closer to the screen. "You're fucking kidding."
"I am not!" mum says.
"Oh my God," I shout. "In Calgary? Oh my God. I can't fucking wait. But mum, gahh, this stupid year. It has to be over." I grab my girlfriend's shoulders, squeezing them while looking at her thunderstruck face. "Oh my God, Sare, we're gonna be a working couple. I mean me, but like, official work with so much money and I'm gonna spoil you and buy you stuff and you'll be my princess and we'll live in a nice house that has lots and lots of plants." Sara's face is frozen and red. She's staring at me with dilated eyes and a stunned expression.
"Tee, it's not in Calgary. It's in New York," mum says, her laughter in her voice. Both Sara and I scream, looking at my mum. "He wants you to take over his NYC branch. Since it's small and new, he wants to put you in charge and see what you can do. I know you won't disappoint. I am so fucking happy for you, my baby."
I start crying because of my excitement. Sara's even more frozen right now. Her face is now yellowish. I have no idea what's going on. Maybe she's shocked...I mean, she should be. But that's not the reaction I've expected. She's biting into her lower lip, abusing the small mole below it the way I do to my labret piercing.
"I am so fucking...shocked. I have to call him and thank him. I have to do it right now." I get up, not even caring about the pain that hit me when I stood up quickly. "I'll be right back."
"Are you okay, Sara?" I hear my mum ask while I'm walking out of our room.
"Oh...yes. I'm just a bit...overwhelmed." I stop in my place, doing what I always do but shouldn't ever do. I listen to the conversation because I have to know what my girlfriend is feeling.
"Why, honey?" mum asks her very gently.
"New York is so far away. It's in the States." Okay...okay...I guess she has a point. I guess I didn't think of that. She'll be away from her family...and Emy...and everyone. I didn't think of that. I was so happy. But I need this...and I need her with me in this. This is my future.
"I know," Sonia says. "I can't...I can't do anything about it. You have to talk to Tegan about this." My mother has probably just got hit with the same thoughts.
"Yeah," Sara says lowly.
"Stop doing that," my mother says to Sara. "Don't bite on that mole, that will hurt."
"Oh, sorry," my girlfriend apologizes for something that nobody apologizes for. She's Sara!
"Sara?" Mum asks. "Have you always had that mole? Like, were you born with it? Or is it some pimple or a scar that happened later? It doesn't look like a mole, actually." Okay...mum is trying to distract her. That's great.
"Oh, no. I was born with it. I have it in all my baby pictures. But, yes, it looks like a scar."
"Who gave you the name Sara?" Okay, now I should go call dad. Mum is distracting her with stupid questions.
"My parents," Sara says with laughter I hear faintly as I step into the living room.
I dial up my father's number, waiting for him to pick up. My mind is jumping up and down (if the mind can do that) but my heart is beating with fright. What if Sara refuses to come with me? What if we break up because of this? A year—I have an entire academic year to think it over. This is not going to be easy.