Sara
Why does it have to be this way? Why do I make so many mistakes? Is it true? A mistake? Oh, God, I can't…I can't do this. I don't know anything anymore. I can't deal with anything anymore. Every time I think it's getting better, I lose it.
I always lose it. It's me, it's me. I've never got it, I'm always losing. I can feel the stinging, burning pain in my stomach as I empty everything I have consumed the night before. I spew anxiety as words muffle my head and memories smother my brain.
Leaning in front of the toilet seat, I can see images that my mind has made up. I remember nothing. I don't know anything. I woke up naked with my lover, who could be my sister. I could be going crazy. I don't even remember…I don't remember what I heard.
Well, I…I remember…I don't know…
I've never felt such pain, and I'm not sure it's the cramps that are making it worse or the headache that's increasing the frailty I feel. I can't fall asleep; I can't stay in the room while Tegan's asleep. I can't say much, I can't cry…I can't make a scene in the room…so I leave.
I crouch down outside Tegan's room and bury my face in my hands. Sounds are coming from each inch inside my body, everywhere around me. My demons are screaming. I hear villains…I hear strangers. I hear voices and I can't lift my head.
"We have to know."
"How? Force…force her to get a DNA test? Why are you thinking like this? Stop, Stephen, you're scaring me."
"You made me think of it. I…I can't sleep…"
"But…I can't really…my daughter can't be sleeping with my other daughter…and I'm not ready to…to admit I have another one. I can't…"
"I knew it was going to haunt us…I knew it…if it wasn't for your sick mother, it wouldn't…"
"Don't…no, no…don't talk like that about my mother. She wanted what's good for us. I mean, your parents, they weren't supportive and mine were so religious. What could we do…we were…what, fourteen?"
"It's our mistake, it's their mistake, it's everyone's…and it's biting us in the ass right now."
"But we're not sure, you know…I mean, we could be speculating, imagining. It really could be my mind. I just felt it, a weird feeling, the resemblance is…is strange."
Fuzziness covers my vision as I begin to lose balance or sense of what's around me. I feel the insides of my stomach churning. I want to vomit but I can't stand up because the pain that just hit my lower abdomen is too sharp.
I can hear my breathing; it's too loud, hushing the sounds in the background. What did I just hear? What? What is my mind doing to me? I want to die. I just want to die; I can't deal with my mind. I can't live with this mind. I can't see anything.
I crawl to the bathroom and lean in front of the toilet. I free everything I have digested the day before and cry as quiet as I can. It feels like someone is kicking me between my legs, on my lower back, and on my belly. Did I eat something terrible? Are the medicines making me lose my senses? I've never felt this hurt, I never felt this lost. What happened to me? It's like…it's not only my tongue that cannot function properly, but my brain is malfunctioning as well. Everything is testing me. Everyone is testing me.
"Hush, hush…it's alright…it's…it's fine. Stop, stop, come on…" Her hands touch me but I push them. "Please stop. You're only puking bile…there's nothing left in your stomach…it will…oh, god." Loud sobs break through me as my head hits the edge of the shower next to the toilet.
I feel the exact same pain I have felt that day, I feel as lost as that day. Except now, every inch in my body feels like it's being ironed while someone pushes a combustible ember between my legs.
I try to catch my breath but I can't. Tegan pushes my inhaler between my lips and holds my head. I can barely see her but I can hear her words, "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have listened to you…this is entirely my fault. Let's…let's get you to bed."
I am carried like the sleeping beauty in Tegan's arms, but I can only feel like a dead body pleading for restoration. How did I get myself into this mess? Is it the books I read? Is it loneliness? What is it? I constantly ruin my relationships after few years…it's like…it's like I'm not destined for anyone. It's like I'm not allowed to love and feel.
I wish I can remember the night before. Maybe, if I did remember it I wouldn't feel this awful. I wish the words in my head would go away. I know…I know I'm imagining. My mind is intense and my heart is a catalyst; it combusts my entire body.
"You weren't ready," Tegan says. The pillow feels warm underneath me. I don't know what time it is, I don't know what day it is. The last thing I remember is laughing at the bar. "Can you breathe?"
I look up at Tegan standing with an anxious face. Her body is marked with vestiges of my foolish tongue. She is crying…well, no…there are tears streaming down her face. She is disappointed. She thinks it's because of her…she can't know what I think…I want to get better not get labeled crazy.
She covers me with a blanket and puts the purring cat next to me. She disappears, leaving me with an aching body and a remorseful soul. Should I tell her or not? No, I should not. Maybe she will laugh, maybe she will worry about my sanity, but maybe she will feel the way I feel; maybe she will be traumatizes, paranoid, unnerved for the rest of this relationship. If I open my mouth I will ruin us, and I have already done enough in the past year. We were good…so good, almost like old times…we were in peace, living in tranquility, why would sex have to ruin it as usual?
Tegan comes back with a glass of water and an Advil. I sit up but my hand is too shaky to hold the water. She helps me drink while we both cry in silence. She doesn't say anything else. She disappears again but returns before I can take another journey inside my rotten mind. She places a cup of coffee and a doughnut on the nightstand.
"How's your head? You hit it too hard."
"Fine." My head is the last thing I'm thinking of at the moment.
Tegan puts on fresh boxers and a baggy yellow t-shirt. She wipes her tears and exhales. "I guess that everything is quite clear now."
There is fire in her voice. It does not have the usual rasp that I love; it has a choked up octave that brings the guilt in me.
"What do you mean?" I put a tight grip on the white mug, even though it burns my palms. I don't want to drop it, so I bear the heat.
"We're obviously not working…together. You can't be with me, Sara. You don't want to be with me, and I am forcing you. I don't want to do that. Maybe we should break up."
"Why are you saying this?" I put the mug back on the nightstand. That's what I was scared of. How am I going to come up with a convincing excuse to my recent behavior? Well, admitting I have serious mental issues is one…but I can't do that.
"Are you serious? I told you good morning, you freaked out when you realized we fucked last night and shoved me off the bed."
"Because I was going to puke." Lies, lies…she knows I am full of bullshit. I wish I can tell someone, I wish I can talk about it, and they tell me I am stupid and laugh at me so I can actually feel relieved. "Tegan, I love you."
"You can't trust me touching you, Sara. I can see you are scared."
"I am not." I'm not scared of you; I'm scared of the deception of my mind. "I was in the heat of the moment, I…I was just surprised. I also…" I take a deep breath. "I don't remember anything; I feel the worst pain between my legs at the moment. I don't know why I am this hurt."
"It's because…" Tegan sits on the mattress. Flaming colors stain her face. "You came seven times and asked for the eighth but you fell asleep while we were…"
"Seven?" I exclaim. The cat jumps up with a loud meow. "Oh, Cyndi." Tegan picks her up from the floor and places her on her lap.
"Umm, yeah…uh, you wanted that, you really did…"
"I believe you." I start to relax, finally able to drink my coffee. It's not her fault, nor is it mine if what I think I heard is actually true. I think ignoring it is the best solution. But, maybe, and I think that's the stronger option, it is merely a hallucination. I hope that's the case. It's still not her fault both ways and I wish I can let her know. All I can do is try to calm down and ignore my villains.
"Can you tell me more?" I take a bite of the gooey doughnut. The chocolate melts in my mouth. Comfort food is always good in these situations. Tegan knows what my body needs.
Tegan crosses her legs as she sits opposite to me. Her hair is greasy, kind of standing up, but half of it is covering her face. Her face is flushed, but it looks fresh. Her left eye is droopy. She bites onto the piercing beneath her lips as she thinks. She looks younger, way younger. She looks innocent in this look and in this state. I can see the gap between our ages though her timid body language.
"We got pretty drunk at the bar. Like, very wasted. I thought I was more drunk than you, but I guess…you beat me." Nervously, she chuckles.
"I remember a couple of things. Laughing, making fun of people. Oh, yeah…you saying something about the stripper's…oh." The memory of Tegan's filthy words strikes my mind, making me halt chewing. Her eyes widen, too. She looks at the cat, avoiding my eyes.
"Yeah, umm, apparently I didn't have any filter."
"Yeah." Which is fine, really. I guess we just haven't talked to each other freely for awhile. Tegan wasn't scared of being dirty, especially during sex, but I guess we have forgotten we used to enjoy that.
"Yeah, so…umm, we got back home. We made out, we had sex. I mean, I went down on you. Then you fucked me with the dildo, and then you wanted me to finger you. And then…"
"Okay, I get it."
"We fell asleep at almost seven in the morning." I look up at Tegan with a furrowed brow. What time is it now if we slept in the morning? Did I enjoy the sex? I clearly did. I wish I can remember it. "It's, uh, three something right now."
"Oh, wow."
Tegan gets me comfortable clothes to wear. She helps me into a thin, red t-shirt and pulls up my grey yoga pants. She zips up her white hoodie for me and brushes my hair. I kiss her and smile. I want to assure her that I am better than I've been half an hour before and I am not scared of her touching me. "Thank you."
She shakes her head. "No need."
"How many times did you come?"
"Uh…just that one time."
"It was very bad, wasn't it?" If I don't remember doing it, I am very positive I did it as terribly as possible. Emy told me about how bad I am in bed when I am drunk.
"Well…umm…" She giggles. "Yeah…I guess I've had better from you."
"I'm sorry." I should probably make it up to her. I have to. I have to let her know that things are normal, because they are. They have to be. Enough overthinking and imagining. Enough hurting your brain, Sara. Just stop it and look forward. You have what you need now, be happy.
"It's fine. I'm glad I made you happy, even if you don't remember it." Our cat is often jealous of us when we are close to each other. She likes to sit between us or sleep in the middle of us or join us as we cuddle. I think it's adorable, Tegan finds it strange. She glowers when Cyndi sits between us and stretches, clearly asking for attention. "You were pretty distracted with your body and this one was on the mattress too, which made it harder to concentrate because she wouldn't get off."
"Oh, god," I mumble. "What do you mean distracted with my body? And did she watch us during the whole thing?"
"You kept touching your breasts and looking at them, it's as if you've never seen your tits before. You were mesmerized, and I don't blame you." Tegan grins. I adore her smile. I can instantly forget why I am angry when she smiles this way. "And yes, Cyndi enjoyed the show."
"I'm very embarrassed." Embarrassed doesn't even define it. I think I want to hide my face from Tegan. I have no idea what I did and said and this is terrifying. Four years with each other and I still manage to put myself in awkward situations. I am lucky she doesn't judge, I am lucky she gets these moments as well, so she can feel what I am feeling right now.
"You don't need to be embarrassed. It was actually fun for me, too."
Where do we go now? Should I kiss her? Make it up to her at this moment? I'm not sure my mental state can allow me that. I will break down on her body if I touched her with my thoughts all over the place.
"How do you feel now?" Tegan asks. She hugs herself and sniffles.
"Better. Maybe I need a bath so my muscles can relax."
"Yeah," Tegan mumbles. She is playing with the cat's paw carelessly. "My head hurts, really bad."
"I'm surprised you remember everything."
She looks up at me, shrugging. "I'm glad I do. I would have thought I hurt you, and you would have thought so, too…probably."
"No, Tegan." She shrugs again. Tears start to stream down her face. "Baby, no."
Before she tries to leave the bed, I hold her wrist and pull her down. She doesn't want to look at me. I have to say something, but words won't come out. Here is another impediment that I have created myself. Here is another reason that's stopping us from being a happy, healthy couple: my rotten mind.
"I guess…" I commence, processing illogical sentences in my head, striving to find logic inside each phrase, "I guess not having sex made me feel like things are so peaceful and beautiful between us. I was just scared of it, not of you. I felt like it could hurt us, like it could lead to complications…because, that's…that's what happened before. It just felt that things were good and peaceful…"
I don't think Tegan believes these words. She is moving her head in agreement, but from her eyes I can see she is trying her best to make sense of what I just said just to give me the benefit of the doubt.
"Well, in the past we were sleeping with Emy, which was not really good."
"No, it wasn't," I admit.
"And I was not on any medications…and you were depressed and I didn't notice it."
"Yes."
"Those were the reasons our relationship was terrible, it wasn't the sex. Now we are better, I believe. I don't know about you, though. I don't want to force or pressure you at all, Sara."
"I know, baby." I sigh. "Trust me I am not angry with what happened. I can't let you believe…"
The bell rings, interrupting the words which were going nowhere. Tegan looks at the bedroom door, brows furrowed. The cat jumps up when it rings again. I think this is the first time we hear it ringing. Nobody ever visits us, at all.
"I'll get the door." Tegan and the cat leave the room, so I follow. I tread carefully behind, trying my best not to brush my thighs together so I wouldn't feel the burn. Now the person is knocking on the door. My cat is jumping up and down like a maniac waiting for Tegan to get closer and open it.
Tegan gasps as soon as she opens the door. I try to get a look but her body is blocking my vision. However, soon she is pushed out of the way, giving me a clear view of who's standing there. "What the…"
"Sara," Joy shouts, running up to me. She hugs my aching body, making me flinch. I look at Tegan, who is too shocked to move.
"Close the door, Cyndi's gonna escape," I yell at my girlfriend. "Joy, what are you doing here? What the hell? How did you…" I am too dumbfounded to progress what my baby sister is doing here, in my apartment, in NYC…alone.
"I…I…" She looks at me then at Tegan then at Cyndi, who is obviously scared of her dark hair, smudged makeup, and black clothes. "I ran away," she mumbles.
"Holy shi..." Tegan stops herself when I give her a warning look.
"Joy, how did this happen? How did you even get here? How did you get a ticket or get on a plane? You're a minor. And mum and dad, how the fuck…they don't know where you are, oh my god, they must be freaking out right now…shit, Tegan, call mum, tell her Joy is here and she's safe."
Joy begins to cry, pleading not to call mum, but I can't let my mother and father freak out about their missing teenage wreck. Tegan is panicking like me. I'm not sure what I should do and why did Joy run to me. I'm not sure why she thought of that. I am thankful she's somewhere safe and not missing, but I feel terrible for my parents, who are probably losing their shit right now.
"Why did you run away?" I ask as calmly as I can, even though there is a tremor inside my body. I can barely stand and the pain is shrouding me once again.
"I panicked. I didn't know what to do, okay…I did something very bad…very, very bad and I didn't know who to tell and you weren't there…I…" Joy is sobbing in a way that breaks my heart. I have never seen her crying like that. I never saw her crying, anyway.
"Sara, your mum and dad are near a mental breakdown. Rob picked up and I couldn't get anything. He handed the phone to Jessica who kept shouting. I…they said that Rob will be here? I don't get it…I…"
"No, no, they can't take me from here. I can't go there…I…" Joy protests. Her wailing is too loud, making the cat meow lightly.
I take a seat on the sofa, wincing and groaning. "Joy, what did you do?" It's like someone has poured down all the patience of the world on me right now. I am biting my tongue, holding my tears, trying not to scream, trying to keep everything under control.
"I might be pregnant," Joy says quickly.
"What?" Pregnant? What did I just hear? Did Tegan hear it, too? Tegan is staring at her with wide eyes…yes, she probably heard it, too. I think I am getting dizzy.
"I had sex with this guy that…that I really don't know but he was cute and I wanted to, but I think I am pregnant and I freaked out and came here so I can…like, get rid of the baby, if there is any, or hide from mum and dad because…" She sniffles and stutters. "Because they will kill me if I am. I want you to help me, please. You're my sister, Sara. Please, hide me from them. I don't wanna go back there. Please."
I'm not sure if I should hug her, shout at her, or cry because I am not sure what to do exactly. I look at my girlfriend for help, but her body is a statue. I don't even know what to say.
"How did you get here alone, Joy?" Tegan finally asks. The question is not one of the many I have in mind, but I am glad she spoke up because I'm not sure I can say anything at the moment. "What I know is that minors can't get here alone."
"I forged dad's signature. I have the money," she responds coldly, without even looking at her. Joy doesn't like Tegan at all, not after last year.
"When was the last time you slept with that man?" Tegan asks again. Joy doesn't respond; she looks at me with a frown instead.
"Joy," I try, my voice pathetic, broken, unable to deliver, "please answer."
"Two weeks ago," she mumbles.
"How many times did you sleep with…with him?" I ask.
"Three."
"Who is he?" I ask loudly, scornful and angry.
"Does it matter right now?" Tegan says. "When was your last period?" she asks my sister.
"I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to my sister," Joy screams, a bit too dramatically.
"We want to know so we can fucking help you," I scream in return. I never thought I had this timbre in my voice. It shocks me when I hear it. I sound like a mother when she has had enough. I feel like one at the moment.
"I don't know," Joy cries. "I don't know. I don't count. I don't remember." Her honest fear and continuous weeping force me to get up and hug her. I whisper unsure assurances to her ear the way I am supposed to as a big sister, even though I am honestly unable to stand on two feet or think rationally.
I have so many questions in my mind. Who is this guy and why? She's so young. How did this happen and why did she even come to me? I have never been one who gave an advice or helped someone, I always wanted help. I have never been given responsibility, at all. I didn't think I'd wake up and find someone asking me to protect or help them. And my mother is surely in agony. I can't even imagine how terrified and grieved she is.
"Sara." I look up at Tegan who has just called my name. "Can I talk to you for a bit?"
"Sure." I direct Joy to sit on the couch and follow Tegan to our room.
"This is just…" Tegan chuckles.
"Sex? At fourteen? Just like that?" I say in disbelief.
"It happens, Sara. Sadly, it does." Tegan has been there, but not with a guy. If Joy has slept with a girl, nobody would have been freaking out like that. This wouldn't have happened, I guess. "I'm going to get a pregnancy test and you try to talk to her."
I haven't thought of that. I can't even think of the simplest things on my own. "Yeah…th…that's a good idea."
"Call your mother and tell her. She has to know. Try to understand something from her."
"Yeah."
Tegan will always be the one who thinks quickly and I will always be the one who needs her to get to something. Even in the silliest matters. Even in matters that have nothing to do with her. Sometimes I feel like I am incapable of connecting two dots without her help, or maybe I rely on her too much, knowing she is here. I wait for her to make the first move, all the time. I've never been like that with Emy or with anyone except with her. I am not even sure if this is part of our love, or it's just part of my reliance on someone I trust. In both cases, I am thankful I have her, but I do fear not having her one day if I keep watching every move, waiting for the flaws, comparing my person and hers, and trying to compete with her.
I woke up to the horrifying thoughts that she is my sister and now I am in a horrifying situation because my adopted sister, who is only fourteen, thinks she is pregnant. However, all I'm thinking about is the differences between Tegan and me.
…
My mother sure has the best solutions to fix problems—sarcasm is obvious. Now what would Rob do here? What's his purpose in a situation like this? Mother thinks that giving Rob money to get a ticket and fly here would solve a problem that has nothing to do with him. This is only making it more difficult for me to tell her why Joy is here. Joy can go back the way she came, alone. She can do that easily since she came here by herself. I do forgive mum for thinking this way. My father is sick, which makes sense why Joy didn't tell them and ran here. Mum can't follow, too, because she will have to leave dad, who is too miserable because of Joy. They are obviously not in the right state to think rationally at the moment. Rob is trust worthy, and it's always better to send youth to soften up a young person's heart than to send someone as old as my parents.
"We're trying everything," mum says through sniffles. "We give her space, we let her go out with her friends, I let her dye her hair, put the makeup she wants, and dress the way she likes. We barely say no. We treat her more freely than the way we treated you and yet she runs away because she doesn't want to be with us."
"Mum, it's not that." There are two fingers in my heart and whenever I hear my mother's cry, I feel them pinching a piece of me. I never thought I loved my mother this much, I never thought I'd feel so sad hearing her cry. I want to cry, too.
"What is it then? Did she talk to you? Did she tell you? Is it something seriously bad?"
Maybe I should not tell her until I am sure of the result. I think Joy is actually pregnant, since she believes so herself. So telling mum the reason at once is better than telling her there is a possibility, and then confirming the existence of the possibility.
"I haven't gotten to talk to her, but I will tell you the reason when I do…ta…talk to her. I just wanted to let you know she is safe so you wouldn't worry. Ma…maybe she should stay a few days here, you know…to…f...for things to calm down, I mean."
"Sara." Mum takes a long breath. "Just talk to her and tell me what's going on. If I am incapable of helping her because of my age there are therapists here, there are many ways for her to chat with someone who understands. She could have called you, she could have texted you, skyped with you."
My mother is right, for sure. I think the panic Joy was in led her to take such a quick decision. It's common for teenagers to run away from their problems because facing them isn't what they are used to do. It's predictable that Joy would do this because that's how she and I were raised; to hide the mistake, hoping it would disappear until we cannot hide it anymore.
"Mum, please, please calm down. I will talk to her. She didn't know what to do, she panicked. It's…it's natural for kids her age. I know about these cases. Don't worry, please. Sometimes…pressure leads kids to behave like that. She ran to me, not ran away completely. It's gonna be alright. Please relax…you and dad, and I will call you later. Okay?"
"Yeah…yeah, fine."
"Love you, mum," I say. "Goodbye."
"Bye," she mutters.
When I hang up, I look at my sister, who is sitting across from me in the living room with Cyndi in her lap. I look at her for long seconds, my eyes and hers connected. She sniffles but does not blink. Does she know I am not her sister? How come nobody told her? Is it my job to tell her? Can she see the difference more clearly in my eyes? Only hazel, nowhere as deep as her blue ones. Can she spot the difference in my skin? Not as pale as hers, despite being pale. Her hair is dark now, darker than mine, but once it was blond, like my mother's. She had a sweet face and an innocent smile and now I see distress, I see regret, I spot guilt and fear.
"Talk to me." I move in order to sit next to her. I sit on the same sofa, but I keep a bit of distance to give her some space. I don't want her to feel that I am attacking her. I want her to open up before Tegan could get here. I know Tegan could have taken only five minutes to get the pregnancy test, but I believe she prolonged the process on purpose in order for Joy to feel comfortable and talk.
"Thanks for not telling mum," she whispers.
"I didn't tell her only because I want to be sure of what to tell her. She will know why you're here in both cases."
"Please, no."
"She has to."
"I will be grounded for the rest of my life."
"That's what you're scared of, Joy? Getting grounded?" She is a kid. She can't even realize the situation she is in. "You could be bearing someone inside you and you're worried about getting grounded?"
"I wanna have an abortion, that's why I came here…you know…these doctors, I'm sure. You can help me…and we don't have to tell mum."
You're stupid, I want to say. I hold it in, though. "How did it happen? And who is this guy?" Maybe starting from the beginning will help me understand my sister.
"He's with me in school, he's also in this cool band. His name is Brad." She blushes deeply. "He's seventeen."
"He's way older than you." She shrugs. "Does he know? That...that you know, you could be…"
Joy shakes her head quickly. "He was nice. He flirted with me. We smoked together after one of his gigs and then he took me to his car and we…we did it there."
"That was your first time?" Cyndi walks up to me and buries her face in my lap. I put my hand on her soft fur and begin to pet her.
"Yeah."
"I wish you had a better first time. I wish you waited."
She shrugs again. "I didn't mind it, I liked him. He was sweet. The second time was in his room when his parents were away and the third in his car again. The second time was better…I…I think it's the time I…I don't know, you know, the time…"
"I get it." Joy starts crying once again. "Why didn't you use protection?"
Her shoulders shake as she weeps. I sigh, not knowing what else to say. "You grew up too quickly; all of a sudden…I can't process it…so…so of course mum and dad can't, too."
"I didn't know…I wasn't really aware of it…like, I just thought everyone has sex and that it's normal, I didn't think of these stuff…I don't know if he used any or not."
"You didn't see or feel it?"
She looks up at me, her face is pink again. "N…no." She bites her lower lip. "I didn't look…I…it scared me."
Of course it scared her. Clearly, she was manipulated and most probably pressured in implicit ways to sleep with this guy. If I tell her this, she will disagree and will shout at me.
As we wait for Tegan to get here, I hear more about Brad, who, thankfully, she is not dating, but then again, I'm not sure if this is good if she turns out pregnant. Of course I would get her to abort the baby, but I have to tell my parents first. Nobody is ready for this. She is a small child, and it's scary how real the possibility seems. She has the features of a child; she uses the words and actions of one.
"Are you okay?" Joy asks when silence prevails. "I mean, you and Tegan, is she treating you good?"
"Yes."
"You are walking weirdly and wincing whenever you sit or stand. Is she hurting you? You guys seemed...I don't know, very…weird when I came."
"I think my life with my girlfriend is none of your concerns when you are in this situation," I respond harshly.
"I care about you."
"Thank you, but focus on the shit you got yourself into, I think that's more important right now."
Tegan comes after a short while. She gives me a bag that has five pregnancy tests. We try to figure out how to use them by reading the instructions.
"I see them peeing on it in movies," Tegan tells me.
"But do they really pee on it? Isn't there something…like…okay, yeah…there's a thing to pee on."
"Go in with her."
"I can do it," Joy says. "I don't think I can pee for all the five."
"Put it for five seconds, hold your pee, put the next one and pee again then hold your pee in again…"
"No," Tegan says. "No, that's not good. Just use this one for now and keep drinking water to use the second and so on."
If she tests positive in the two, I really don't think we need to take the others. If she tests negative, maybe I should take her to the doctor to make sure.
"How do you feel?" Tegan whispers once Joy is in the bathroom. Her body inches closer to mine and I lean in for a comforting embrace. I release a whiny sound when she kisses my forehead. "Sore? Dizzy? Nauseous?"
I wrap my arms around her and smile when my head rests on her warm chest. How can I love her this madly? How is it possible? "All," I mumble. "I'm so scared and worried."
"I know, baby." Tegan sighs. "This is not your responsibility, but we have to bear it for now."
"You don't have to." I chuckle. She looks at me and sighs again. "I'll…I'll try to handle it. I'm just not sure what to tell Rob, and I'm not sure why is he sent for the rescue. My mum didn't think rationally."
My sister calls me just then, her voice full of panic and so both Tegan and I become alarmed instantly. She faces us in the bathroom with the test in her hands, unable to read the result…because it's not even out yet. She calms down when we tell her that, but nothing in me rests because in few minutes we are destined to know whether she is carrying or not, and most probably she is with a child.
"You're not pregnant," Tegan screams all of a sudden, the stick in her hand.
"What?" I shout.
"She's not. It's negative." Joy starts crying, probably because she's overwhelmed and shocked. "But we have to make sure, so you have to take a second one."
"Yes, Joy."
The second test gives the same result. I hug my sister as she cries. She must be endowed with feelings I cannot understand. Her life depended on that moment, on that one moment that could have changed her entire life. I wonder if my birth mother had been in such a similar situation. I wonder if giving me up was that deciding moment. I wonder what her reaction was when she found it. Where is she? Does she know me? Remember me? Alive or dead? Near or far? Is she as close as I see her or am I longing to see someone I've never met because of this hollowness that dwells inside my skin?
Joy begs me not to tell mother and lie to her instead. I don't know how to lie well; I don't know how to make up a lie. I also believe that informing my parents will put them in the picture of Joy's reckless ventures. I don't want my sister to repeat the same mistakes; I certainly don't want my parents to repeat the same mistakes with her. We are born and raised as individuals who cannot tell what's right and what's wrong, always giving up, always afraid, always trying to hide, and accepting anything because it's better than nothing when we know we can get better. I never knew when to stop things—anything—until an ax fell on my head and I am still paying the price. I always thought little of myself and I still do; never learned not to. My parents treat us as children even though we are growing. I am still their little girl, still unable to find success because they never believed I could.
We agreed not to tell Rob if he actually gets here as my mum says. Joy is embarrassed and telling him will make her feel uncomfortable. My mother's reaction is not as I expected. She's neither screaming, nor quiet…and she is more understanding than Joy has predicted.
"I had a feeling," mum says through the speakers. Joy hasn't said any word. I took her to my room and I called mum and filled her in. "She has changed."
I'm not sure whether my mother is holding it in with pretense until Joy is back and then she will liberate her anger, or she is truthfully calm. "Good thing she is not."
"I don't see any good side of what happened, Sara."
"I know, mum. It's…it's not something she's proud of." I look at Joy's contrite eyes, at her silent face, at her pouty lips. "She regrets it. I think she has…l…learned her lesson." I honestly don't think so, but I am trying to cool things down, I have to.
"Doesn't matter. I think her dad and I will have a new strategy around the house. Since ever Jane left, Joy hasn't been the same. Maybe she feels lonely, maybe she feels like no one understands. I get it, but…but I'm not letting it go unnoticed anymore."
"Yeah," that's all I can say. What can I say, anyway? I am put in the middle, and I don't know how to help properly. I tell mum Joy will stay a few days here till everything calms down. However, Rob is already on the plane. So I guess he'll be stuck here for a couple of days, too.
Tegan cooks dinner for us. Her lasagna makes my sister moan then regrets it immediately once she remembers who has cooked her meal. Sonia's recipe, always delicious; always fantastic. Tegan and I talk about how much this situation reminds us of Emy taking refuge at our place for weeks awhile ago; it also makes us discuss children…for the first time since we argued about it with Emy. Tegan wants children, I do, too.
"In few more years would be very nice, I guess," she says, shrugging.
"Yes, I would be more ready…no back pain and stuff. I mean…" I chuckle. "You're very young but I guess in a couple more years I'll be in my thirties and I might think of it more. Not now, though."
"Oh, you want to carry?" Tegan asks, stunned.
"Why not?"
"Oh, just wondering. I'd like to carry, too…someday maybe."
We drop the subject because I have to get ready to go to work. Tegan agreed she would babysit Joy, even though Joy is planning to sleep because she is tired. It's hard getting dressed in my room when Joy is here, sleeping on our bed, which—I just remembered—I have not changed its sheets.
I try not to give attention to me and my attire as I dress silently and do my makeup. I know her eyes are watching painstakingly, her tongue preparing words to spew vehemently. So before she says anything, I turn around and warn, "You're not going to tell mum and dad."
"I won't," she says, shockingly calm and impassive. "I wouldn't do that to you."
"Thanks."
"I just want to know one thing."
"What is it?" I grab my long grey coat in order to put it on over the disturbingly revealing uniform.
"Did Tegan force you to do this? Work like…like a hooker? A classy hooker?"
"I am not a hooker," I cry. "I'm a barmaid."
"I know…but your clothes, and the hours of this job…"
I cut her off, saying loudly and clearly, "I chose this job. I want this job. Nobody forced me and nobody can force me to do anything. I enjoy my job. Understand it already."
I am surprised by my own words and my entire demeanor. I am shocked with how fast and easy the words felt on my tongue and how strong and confident they felt out of my lips and inside my ears. I give my best smile to Joy, give my best kiss to Tegan, and I head to my job, walking on two frozen feet in the chilly evening.
Work without Tegan by my side—whining, laughing, talking, or just existing—is a bore. Time doesn't fly, women are not as attractive, not as nice…only extra flirty, which makes me feel unsafe, unprotected. The outfit makes me feel naked, so exposed. Every woman stares at my chest. Every woman tries to win a sweet word from me. I have never felt as objectified. I lied to my sister about liking this job. I don't like it, I only like the fact I am working. I don't think I should be in this place. I worked hard, I studied, I have a degree, I understand and love my major…yet nobody trusts me enough to put me in the right place. If only the sky has eyes, if only it can see the misery I feel at times. When will I ever be rewarded for what I've gone through?
…
The bar closes at three in the morning and I take my journey towards home alone. It is way colder in these hours, and the coat I have on doesn't do my frozen skin any justice. The night itself, though the city is full of lights, is frightening when I am alone. I walk this road with Tegan. It's only a ten minutes walk, but without her it feels longer. My nose is red and running and my legs are trembling. I know Tegan is waiting for me in the living room while my sister sleeps in our bedroom. I long for nothing but to submerge my skin in warm water and Tegan's hot breaths as she holds me close.
The comforting temperature of my apartment clothes me all at once, changing my mood and calming my senses. I commence unbuttoning my coat as soon as I enter, catching a glimpse of Tegan's hair on the couch. "Tee?"
"Sara," Tegan ejaculates. I turn around, taken aback with the abrupt burst. "Hi, look who's here." Then I get it, it hits me why she jumped like that. Rob is here. He stands up, smiling at me sweetly, the way Rob usually smiles. I'm glad Tegan warned me before I took my coat off and stood like that, almost naked in front of my childhood best friend, who has never seen more than arms and two bony legs. One time I scraped my knees when I fell off the bike and I had to take off my pants in his house so his mother could clean the scratches and wounds. I was thirteen. That was the only time he has seen me in my underwear; a very unattractive, flowers patterned granny panties. So I really don't want him to see me in these sickening black shorts that show half of my ass, my cellulite and stretch marks; and I don't want him to stare at my colossal cleavage like the girls at the bar. Part of me wishes I'd lose so much weight to get rid of the fat the cortisone has stored in my body and stop having feminine curves, but part of me doesn't care anymore because I can hide well under baggy attire and only project what I have to Tegan, who has a body quite similar to mine, except way more fit.
"Hi, buddy," I say, trying to smile the best I can. He gives me a hug that takes away every last bit of chilliness off my skin. "How was your flight? Thought you'd be here earlier."
"Oh, terrible. Got delayed and I had to wait. I didn't know how to get here, you and Joy didn't pick up. I had to call your parents and they gave me Tegan's number."
"Oh, I'm so sorry." I sit down on the sofa. Standing up for hours serving people isn't exactly what someone with serious back issues should do. I just want to lie down and get a massage, but I guess that won't happen tonight. "Joy is asleep and I was at work." I wonder if Tegan told him what kind of job I do.
"Sara, coffee?" Tegan asks.
"That would be fucking amazing."
She laughs a little. "Alright. Rob, what do you like to drink?"
"Oh, anything. Coffee's good."
"I'll get you some snack, too. We have left over lasagna. I'm sure you're dead exhausted and hungry," Tegan offers. I smile at her and she smiles back before walking to the kitchen.
"She's very sweet," Rob says.
"Yeah."
"How are you, Sas?" He switches his seat beside me and I gulp a little. "I miss you so much. You barely talk to me."
"I'm sorry." I barely talk to anyone anymore. I haven't talked to Emy in weeks. Sometimes I feel serenity in solitude, and I find it better to stay away from people. "I've been quite busy," I lie.
"I can see." His eyes search mine, inspect, examine, want to see, strive to know. "That's the last thing I expected you to do…bartend in a lesbian bar."
"I have to make my own money," I whisper.
"I understand."
"You do?" He nods.
"I feel like you want to talk, and I want to listen because I am…a bit worried."
"Now is not a good time," I whisper, in case my girlfriend is listening.
"I know. We'll find a way."
In fact, I do want to talk. I want to spell it out and cry in front someone who understands. No one is better than Rob to hush the fear that thrones my chest. Rob understands and never judges. He understands us when we tell him Joy is having a personal issue, which made her elope to us. He does not ask further questions. He understands it when I remain in my coat after he inquires whether I am hot and why I am still wearing that heavy material. I don't say anything and pretend I didn't hear him properly. He sleeps on the couch and Tegan and I squeeze ourselves on Tegan's side on our mattress.
"Are you still sore?" Tegan asks.
"A little bit," I say. She kisses me softly.
Sunday is dull. Bathrooms are crowded with everyone who wants to shower. The water goes cold after Joy's hour and a half long shower, which makes Tegan cranky because she doesn't function well without her morning shower; it's like coffee for me. While Rob and Joy sit awkwardly around, I begin cleaning the place like I do each morning. Tegan works on her laptop, which means she yells at everyone over the phone and gets herself angrier. When the water heats up again, Tegan and I take our shower together in our own bathroom. It's a quick shower and there is no time for fondling or messing around, but we do kiss for awhile. It relaxes both of us and puts us in a better mood.
"I came to your room to ask you about something but you were both in the bathroom, did you shower together?" Joy asks when Tegan and I enter the living room again. My girlfriend's face turns red. My pupils move gradually from my sister's childish face, to Rob's flushed one.
"I'll…I'll order takeout, umm, what do you guys wanna eat?" Tegan changes the subject.
This is why we are lucky Joy isn't pregnant. She is a little kid with her attitude and manner. She doesn't even know how to speak properly and when to say what. Now Rob probably thinks Tegan and I were having sex in the shower, and I don't know why, but it makes me feel bothered and embarrassed.
Joy and my mum talk to each other on the phone. I sit by my sister's side as she sobs while my mother talks to her. I have never seen my mother so quiet and calm in such a situation, and I think that's her anger mainly. Some people break things and cruse when angry, some stay quiet it makes the other party cry.
In the evening, Tegan takes us all to a small coffee shop downtown. She says she gets her coffee before work from here. The coffee is great, she is right. We talk a little bit about the weather, Christmas, and life. She and Rob talk about work, which is boring to listen to for both Joy and I. I still don't get a chance to free what's in my chest to my best friend and hope in the morning when Tegan leaves to work I'll be able to do so.
Everyone wakes up really early on Monday because of the cat meowing and Tegan being loud while she moves around. My plan to have Rob alone almost fails until Joy returns to sleep when Tegan leaves. I make sure Joy is fully asleep and close the door of my bedroom carefully. I pass by the other room and find Rob standing there in the empty space. If this room was furnished, he wouldn't have to sleep on the couch. Maybe now we should furnish it. Buy a bed or something. Tegan wanted to make it a study for her, but then shook the idea because she didn't need to. I guess it should be another bedroom, maybe.
"I need to tell you ab…about something that…that's making me despise myself and my life," I start.
He blinks. "What is it?"
"I…" I look at the door. "Let's make coffee and something to eat…step away from here. No one can know about this."
He follows me to the kitchen, where the cat is lying on her back on our counter. I make omelets and brew coffee, waiting patiently and anxiously to spit it out.
"You're scaring me," Rob says.
"I think…I think…" I can't say it. "No, I can't say it."
"Sara, please say it." None of us are eating. I don't even have an appetite.
"I might be dating my own sister," I whisper.
His brow wrinkles. He takes a sip of his coffee, without saying anything. He wants to understand what he has just heard. "You mean…you think Tegan is your sister?" I nod. "Why do you think so?"
"I…I don't just think so, I heard some stuff when I was at her place. Her mum and dad were talking about some child they gave up years ago and how it could be me."
"When was that?" he inquires calmly.
"In the summer…I couldn't touch Tegan or let her touch me because of this fear and then…we slept together by mistake two days ago and…and it's making me lose my mind. I keep remembering, hearing things."
"Does her mother know you're adopted?"
"No."
"Okay…are you sure what you heard is true?"
"No." I sigh. "I was very…tired that day. I woke up to go to the bathroom and I was in a bit of pain that I sat on the floor outside Tegan's room and heard the conversation from their room. But I was kind of half conscious. I was dizzy and I was taking so many drugs back then. I…I threw up right after and everything felt like a dream…some kind of a dream."
He starts chopping small pieces of his omelet, taking quick bites as he hums and nods with a closed mouth. "You kind of do have…some type of an imagination, Sara." I know he's trying his best not to offend me, but I am offended. "You get paranoid…very much. Remember when you swore Emy was cheating on you with Sarah because you heard some things but it was not the case? It was your subconscious making you feel guilty for liking Tegan so much…remember?"
"Yeah." Those days were easy; I wish I'd get back to them. My one true problem was graduating, and now all I want is to be back in university, in my old pink dorm, my innocent self…the Sara that I lost, the sweet Sara that was too shy, too scared, too much of a perfectionist and a clean freak. I want to return to that Sara that knew nothing about the world.
"What would make Tegan out of all people be your sister? Is it about the looks? Yeah, you guys look alike…but so is almost every other couple. You know what they say, some couples spend so much time together they start looking like twins." I laugh loudly, wiping the tears sliding down my face. "If it is bothering you so much and you are worried, only way to rest your mind is saying you're adopted in front Tegan's mother, see if you get a strange reaction out of her."
"She did ask me whether I am adopted one time."
"Oh." Rob looks up at me.
"Yes, she's a psychologist and has read a report I've written about adoption and…fuck." I shake my head, remembering the report I've written at university, the one that fucked up my entire grade, but made my professor love me so much for taking such a risk that I got an A- at the end. It is in my brain…it's all in my brain. It's installed in there, sisters loving each other, siblings loving each other, incest…I am disgusting.
"What's wrong?"
"I am so fucking…relieved right now."
"Yeah?"
"My brain is…a disaster, but it's the one that's been messing with me. Fuck, Rob, why am I so…why am I like this?" He chuckles. "This is tiring, you know."
"Sara, you're special. You should love it and embrace it. You're smart, sweet, and special." It's only you who can see this, Rob. It's only you.