Sara
I promise I waited for it, I anticipated it, I was excited. Very excited in fact. I was scared, too. I counted the days. I watched her in her sleep. I even talked to her tummy, wondering if there was something in there. Even through the news of my father's sickness, I still had hope that something was going to make it better. But when I saw her putting that box of tampons in her backpack, my heart sank a little. I couldn't even ask her about it, because if I was disappointed, she must have been heartbroken. I did not want to open it up, to hurt her, to discuss it with her. It was just a horrible time and I couldn't do it. Whatever, I told myself, we'll try again when she comes back, we'll talk about it when she comes back. I promise I wanted it.
I didn't think the label the worst girlfriend ever would be handed to me one day. I should have asked, I know. I should have brought it up, I know. She waited for me; she waited for more than seven weeks, that's about two months. She's two months along and I just figured it out in front of my mother, in front of Emy, in front of my sister, in front of everyone. To say I'm speechless would be an understatement because I am utterly and completely unable to release any reaction other than crying my eyes out without any sound. I feel terrible, yes, I feel awful. I can't do anything. I can't seem to comfort her or hug her or take care of her. I am having a baby. We are going to have a baby.
"Uh…" My mum cannot form any word as well. She's baffled and puzzled. Millions of questions are running through her mind, thousands of whys and hundreds of whens; I know. Oh, I know.
I sit down on the mattress; try to get closer to my lover but she shies away from me.
Oh, God, and there is Emy crying outside. Jealous Emy or sad Emy? I don't know. I don't know anything.
"What the hell is going?" Joy storms inside with her loud, resonant voice. "Why is everyone crying?" Nobody answers her.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," I voice loudly, catching Tegan's distracted attention. "I swear to God I thought it's best not to bring it up after seeing the tampons. I thought you would not want to talk about it. I swear I did not forget. It made me more upset thinking you're not, that's why I cried so much that day. It was not just my father, it was this too. I didn't know. I didn't."
"O…kayyy?" Joy says again. "I'm lost. Mum, what's going on?"
"Joy, can you leave us for a second? Can you check on Emy, please?" Mum says.
"Did she hit Emy?" Joys says loudly, looking at my girlfriend. "Did she hit you again, Sara?"
"Joy, go," I scream loudly, making her shut up. "She did not do anything. Fucking go."
"Okay, chill." I hear an annoyed sigh before she closes the door.
"I'm not sure what's going on exactly and I need some elaboration." My mother's tone is strong and strict.
"Sara and I…" my girlfriend speaks in a broken, raspy voice, "we're pregnant."
"Obviously," mother says. "But is it something you two have planned?"
"Yes, mum," I answer loudly and quickly. "Of course. We tried to conceive two months ago. I just…" I sigh. "I thought she was not pregnant because I saw her packing tampons before her flight. She seemed upset and talked about her cramps so I assumed she has started. I didn't question it. I didn't want to talk about it so I wouldn't hurt her feelings. God, I'm so stupid sometimes."
"Don't say that," my lover whispers. "I didn't know that's how you felt. My mood has been so off lately because of all the stress and sickness."
"We have to get you to a doctor, Tee," I say. "Give me a hug. I missed you." I wrap my arms around her. Her tears stain my chest as I kiss her head. I'm happy now. I'm going to have a little baby. "We're going to be mothers soon."
"I know." She looks at me, wiping her tears. "I can't wait to meet the fucker that's making me throw up and hate myself."
"Girls," mum interrupts our sweet moment. My hand touches my girlfriend's tummy, rubbing slightly while we both look at Jessica. "This is sudden and out of the blue."
"Why?" I shout in a defensive manner.
"Calm down," she says. "I mean that you two are not married."
"We don't want to."
"But, Sara, the child is hers that way; not yours, too."
"No," Tegan objects. "The child is ours. We talked about it with our lawyer before conceiving."
"Plus, we're getting a civil union," I add. "Pretty soon."
"Yes." Tegan smiles at me. "Marriage isn't going to define our relationship. She's the mum as much as I am." I give her a quick kiss that makes her face go red.
"I'm happy for you two."
"Thank you, mum." I rub Tegan's hand, giving it a small squeeze. "We have to tell your mum, too. Did you tell her?" She shakes her head. "We have to."
"Yeah, but…" Her hesitancy makes me raise my eyebrow, giving her a chance to think over her sentence before speaking. "We need to talk to Emy first."
It's honestly an eerie feeling; walking around knowing there is something waiting for you, or you are waiting for something that's bound to happen eventually. Wow, seven whole weeks without my knowledge that there's a fetus in my lover's womb. Subconsciously, my eyes fall on her abdomen each few minutes just to check; as if once I look there, I'll know that she and the baby are fine. I have to take care of her.
I have to take her to the clinic and get her on the right vitamins, we have to talk to our own doctor, I bet she talked to her on her own. Oh God, we need to prepare the nursery for the baby. But we have to know what we're having first. No, we won't go by the stereotypes. I'm not going to choose pink if it's a girl or blue if it's a boy. Neutral colors are the best. We could use green or yellow since I love them or maroon since Tegan loves it. I think Maroon would be nice, but what if it's too dark for a newborn? What if the baby hates it? What if they get nightmares? What if Tegan has planned something else? What about clothes? We need to get the clothes for the baby. But what type of clothes? Neutral colors, too. Yes.
"Sar," Tegan calls my name. "Umm, what's up?"
"Oh, uh…" I look at her then at Emy in front of us. How did Emy get inside again? "I was thinking."
"I'm sorry, guys," Emy says, not looking at us.
"Are you okay, Em?" Tegan asks.
"Congratulations." She finally shows us her teary blue eyes, beautiful as ice. "I'm happy for you."
"Are you?" I ask.
"I am."
"We know how you feel."
"No, you don't," she says defensively. "Amber and I have been trying for the past three years. You only tried once. I got jealous. I couldn't hold it in."
"We know," Tegan says. "We want to tell you something."
"Yeah?"
"Relationships cannot last if the two people sharing this relationship do not work together spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. Sara and I have been through a lot and we always got out of it because we let go, we help each other, we give chances, we try to share everything."
"Even the burdens," I add.
"Exactly, even the burdens. We don't give each other specific parts or roles."
"Actually," I cut my girlfriend off, "at the beginning we did."
"And that's what led to the destruction of our relationship," Tegan says. "We learned from our mistakes. It took us a lot of time to fix what we have broken. I did not take the role of the provider because I can and she can't, and she did not take the role of a housewife because she's incapable of working. We both work now, we both do house chores, we have no roles but the roles of lovers and partners to each other. That's what we are. We are two women who love each other and decided to have a baby to add something fruitful to this…union."
"Yes, but…"
"Emy, let us finish," I say gently. She nods. "What we mean is that we both wanted to carry, and you know how much I wanted it too, but sometimes you have to give up what you desire and yield to what's best for you. I know I can't carry right now. I want to, but I can't. It's hard for me. I have back issues, I'm older than Tegan, I have many pills to take. Plus she's been daydreaming about it for God knows how long, so I let go of it because at the end that's our baby not hers alone or mine alone."
The touch of a hand I receive from my girlfriend makes my heart leap inside my chest. I love this woman sitting beside me. I have never loved her more.
"What we mean is that you can't do this to yourself when you're not giving Amber a chance too, you're not letting go of your stance, let's say."
"Yes, Em. If you want it that much, woman up and try to carry, maybe it will work inside your body," I say, watching a fountain of tears falling from Emy's eyes. "We know it's hard for you. We know it, trust me. We're not saying you have to, we're saying if you want it that much then try it, you never know what could happen."
"I know," Emy says. "I've been thinking about it…over and over. I even talked to our doctor. I'm just not sure. I'm scared."
"It's a scary step," Tegan comments. "It's scary itself but that's the beautiful part in it. You're carrying another human inside, you're procreating. It's weird, it's different, it's scary as fuck."
However this scary step makes my girlfriend glow day after another. Though the sickness continues; the headaches; the soreness, she still manages to look more beautiful the farther the pregnancy continues. I've never known that Tegan could get this gorgeous. Her eyes have never looked that shiny; like a sunrise in the beginning of summer. Her lips never looked so pink. Her face have never been this clear of any pimple or freckle or spot. Her body has never looked this sexy and her libido has never been this strong. Sex has never been this magical.
Tegan's due date is supposed to be in late March 2013, that's what our doctor has said. Tegan's parents were more shocked than we have anticipated. Her father was a little bit angry because he was not expecting this step ever. Her mother was mostly hurt she was the last to find out, but after a week of bickering they came around. Stephen thought Tegan was not going to do her work well, but she's constantly proving him wrong after each tiring work day. When she gets back home with tears well-hidden inside the lids of her eyes, she sees a nice meal and receives a relaxing foot massage to ease the pressure and pain. On good days we have amazing sex that leaves us both in more longing than before, if that's even possible.
"I'll miss this sex," Tegan tells me after we both come.
"We'll have plenty of it," I say.
"Oh, please. The baby will fuck our lives at first. Mum told me all about it."
I laugh quietly, remembering when Jessica told me how adopting me brought back the sex life my parents have lost before I came along.
"Don't worry, Teegs. It'll all work out. We'll find time. We'll help each other."
At thirteen weeks, when Tegan enters her second trimester, we begin to think about answers for the questions that have been lurking in our heads. What will the sex of the baby be? Where would we like the delivery to be? When should we prepare the nursery? Tegan's morning sickness is reduced greatly and that's good, but her irritation is enhanced by any small thing around her, if it's a smell, a habit, or a behavior. When I sleep beside her, she huffs in anger; accusing me of breathing too loudly, something I can't control due to my asthma. If I shower, she complains about the scent of my shampoo. If I don't shower, she complains about the scent of my sweat which, I am positive, does not exist. In other words, pregnant Tegan is a lot like the rude Sara that first met her years ago.
People at work start to notice the sudden growth in size, and since Tegan is petite, her baby bump appears quicker than we have anticipated. Each night before we sleep, I rub some coconut oil on her belly and breasts. We kiss then I sleep in the living room so I wouldn't annoy her with my breathing. In the middle of the night she wakes me up with a phone call, telling me she hates sleeping alone. We repeat the same routine every single day.
Tegan wants to have a home birth. She has seen many documentaries, read many books and articles about it, and now she wants it. We decide to consult our therapist and doctor. There is nothing wrong with what Tegan wants, but it will all depend on her health and the baby's health in the final trimester, our gynecologist tells us.
At sixteen weeks, Tegan's sexual desire suddenly reaches the roof. I can't get a moment's rest at some nights because coming once or twice relieves nothing of her libido. One night after giving her the third orgasm, we receive a phone call from Emy. Not the best save, but it's a save nonetheless.
I hurry up to pick the phone before my lover can say anything. "Hello," I say in a loud breathy voice. God, I'm wet and horny, but right now I'd rather talk to Emy than fuck Tegan again without getting some attention for me.
"Guess what," Emy says in a voice louder than mine. I hear squeals and laughter in the background.
"What?"
"Is Tegan around you?" Amber asks.
"Yes?"
"Put her on speaker," Emy says.
"What's going on?" Tegan asks, rubbing her small bare baby bump. I shrug, putting the phone on speaker.
"Okay, Emy and Amber. You guys are on speaker."
"We are pregnant," they both shout, screaming at the same time which muffles the entire sentence, makes our shock double because we're not sure we have heard right.
Tegan sits up and I sit down on the mattress beside her. We look at each other's flushed faces, waiting for the noises to quiet down.
"Em…" Tegan says. "We're not sure we have heard correctly."
"We're pregnant," Emy says once again, calm but still loud. "I'm pregnant. I'm carrying. There's a baby inside me. I'm gonna push a baby out of my vagina in about like eight months."
"Oh my God," I shout and Tegal gasps. "You're kidding."
"I'm not."
"She's not," Amber says.
"Oh my…" Tegan is unable to speak, and honestly so am I. This is going to be great. We'll have kids at the same age. Who would have thought my best friend, the one I have dated and loved, would carry a baby…with someone else. Who would have thought that?
I mean, let's assume Tegan didn't come along, nor Amber did. That would be my baby, or I could be the one pregnant like our original plan. Yes, it would have been me because if Tegan hasn't come along, I wouldn't have been beaten up and I wouldn't have the back issues I have now. Probably. It's funny how plans change, life changes, things you imagined while you were young all change and you don't notice them unless it's moments like these, moments far in the future.
But I'm happy it is this way. I'm more than happy whatever has happened, happened. Because that's how it's supposed to be, that's the way it's destined for us. It's like a line we've been following, it's not quite linear but it will lead to the finish point somehow.
At eighteen weeks, different exciting things happen; Tegan feels her first kick…while we're having sex, so of course we pause just to feel the baby kicking, and I feel it too. We also start exercising and doing some yoga together as our GP has advised. But most importantly we begin with the preparation of the nursery. We decide to go with maroon and white, beautiful colors that we both love.
"I have a feeling it's going to be a girl," Tegan tells me as we are in the room opposite to ours, arranging and drawing.
Her baby bump is prominent and beautiful now. I can touch it, kiss it, and feel it. Everyone at work has been calling to congratulate her lately. She told me they have never expected this from the iron bitch they thought she was. I swear some man told me I thought you'd knock up someone not get knocked up, was I supposed to laugh? Tegan told me the other day. But what's great is that they are nicer to her and she's bitchier to them. I believe it's something about common people; when they look at a strong woman, they cannot handle her, as soon as they discover some feminine traits in her, they stop competing and be nice to her. As if she is not worthy of their competition or time, as if they are underestimating her abilities just because she is carrying a baby inside. Tegan has not worded these thoughts out loud, but I can feel them and read them on her face. They don't take her seriously now, that's what she thinks, and maybe she is right. But I know she'll prove them wrong. She always does.
"Me too," I agree with a smile. "I can't wait to meet her or him."
"We can know soon, you know." I laugh a little bit. "Wouldn't you like to know?"
"I would love to. You want to keep it a surprise?"
"Not really."
"I mean whatever we get I'll be happy, as long as it is healthy and so are you, but I kinda wanna know," I say, rubbing her abdomen.
"Next appointment?" she asks.
"Sure."
A week later we find out that we are having a girl.
"Names, come on," she tells me in the car.
"Isn't it too early?"
"Heck no."
"Ummm, I don't know." I haven't thought about that at all. What am I going to name my girl? Oh my God, I am having a baby girl with my girlfriend. "Can we umm reach home to decide? I'm starting to get overwhelmed and anxious thinking about it."
"Aww, babe." She kisses my cheek then yells at me to slam the brakes, laughing as my heart almost stops. "You're so bad at this, babe."
"Fuck, I know. I hate it."
At home, as I drink coffee and she drinks apple juice in the nursery, we fight about names.
"I don't want the name Sally it's so old fashioned," she says after I suggest it.
"It's from the song Sally's Pigeons."
"What is up with you and Cyndi Lauper?" Just then our cat meows and runs to our seating forms. "Ugh, now this bitch thinks we called her. Not you, Cyndi, we meant the real one."
"She doesn't understand." I take Cyndi away from irritated Tegan and pet her fur. "You're gonna have a small companion, little Cyndi."
"Oh, God, no. We're gonna have a human."
"Ugh, what is up with you?" I shout. These mood swings keep getting worse. "Cats love babies and babies love cats, it's a known fact."
"Anyway, we're not calling her Sally."
"Fine." I frown at her, deciding not to participate. If she wants all the decisions to be hers since she's carrying then whatever, we'll see who's going to take care of the baby more.
"Are you actually butthurt?"
"No," I yell.
"You are."
"You always get to decide. You chose the colors, the stuff, everything. Is it because you're carrying?"
"Are you on your period?"
"Yes."
"Well, this isn't going to work. We're gonna kill each other soon."
"Don't blame it on that," I say.
"You're pissed off and so am I. We both have terrible moods."
"Just pick a stupid name."
"God, I'm not going to. You do. Just not fucking Sally."
"I can't think of anything."
"Well, so am I." She stands up with a long angry sigh. "I'm going to take a nap."
In the holidays, while Tegan goes through her sixth month of pregnancy, we decide not to visit any of our parents due to the increasing exhaustion my partner has been going through. She becomes shadowed with a deep urge to sleep for long hours night and day, her entire body swells up making her look bigger and rounder, her moods have never been any worse, and the worst part is that she's been having worrisome tantrums all of a sudden. She takes her anger out on anything beside her, so I'm always at some distance. I fear that depression might get to her, and I hope to God it won't because that's the last thing we both need at the moment. The farther this pregnancy gets, the harder it is for both of us to deal with.
"I'm never doing this again, I'm just telling you," she says with running tears in her eyes as we sit in the bathtub. "I'm sore. All of me."
"It's okay. Come on, nothing's left." I'm rubbing her feet under water; my eyes are on her swollen breasts and almost-purple nipples. "Don't you maybe wanna remove the piercing? Looks painful."
"Yeah," she says with a choked sob.
"Yes?"
"Yeah, I want to. It hurts."
"Let me help you." As soon as I touch her right breast, she flinches. I try not to squeeze or hurt her. I know she's sensitive. Her breasts have never looked this huge. I look into her eyes as I remove the barbells, watching how they close as soon as I free her from the jewelry; watching as she begins to relax once I begin to rub her nipples gently. Her whimpers are well-harmonized with the dip of my hand in the water. Her tears fall silently as I try to calm her down.
Sonia visits on the 27th of December. She wants to stay for two weeks with us. I guess it's because I have informed her that Tegan's mental state has not been good lately, therefore she decided to visit herself to check on us.
"Oh, girls…I missed you," Sonia says after she hugs both of us in the living room. Her eyes have been teary since we've brought her from the airport. She couldn't believe her eyes seeing her daughter look so pregnant and so tired. "Look at you," she says, hazel orbs roaming her daughter's figure. "I still can't believe I'm going to be a grandmother. It feels like yesterday when I became a mum myself." She chuckles. "Oh, the memories. The dozens and dozens of memories." More tears escape her eyes. "So you planned a home birth for sure?"
"Yeah, hopefully nothing goes wrong." My lover says with her hand on her belly.
"Nothing will, babe," I assure her.
"Picked a name?"
We both remain silent.
"Okay?"
"We haven't," I say.
"Name her anything," Sonia says.
"Anything sounds nice," Tegan says sarcastically. "Better than Sally."
I don't say anything, and I won't. What's wrong with the name Sally?
"Oh, Sally's beautiful," Sonia remarks. I almost laugh but I just shake my head. "What's wrong with Sally?"
"I don't know. I suggested it."
"I just don't like it," Tegan says.
"Okay, we'll discuss names later. Sonia, are you hungry? I bet Tegan is," I say in order to cut this annoying topic short. Tegan will never settle on a name. It'll probably be last minute, and it will be something atrociously weird like Cranberry or Dairy or Android.
All good things come to an end, I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. I know I've been anticipating the dark that comes after each dawn, the storm after the calm, the hurricane that I've sensed since before my father's death. I just didn't know what it was about, that it was going to change or wreck my life. I didn't know Sonia was going to bring it. However life's a proper game that fools cannot play. What's hidden will always be found at the end.
On New Year's Eve, after we have our meal and dessert, we sit around in the living room to decide the names. This time it's supposed to be serious. Each of us should pick three names and therefore we'll shortlist the winners till we decide.
Sonia and I have been sneaking some gin in our juice, since Tegan demanded that none of us should drink since she can't.
"My picks are Catherine, Amelia, Sofia," Sonia says.
Tegan wrinkles her nose. She literally likes nothing.
"Mine are Daisy, Tara, Violet," I say.
"God," Tegan yells. "You guys are so boring. My name is Tegan for fuck's sake; I want my kid to have a strange unique name."
"Well, what are you suggesting?" Sonia asks with laughter. She's getting a little bit tipsy and lightheaded, I can feel it. I hope Tegan doesn't notice it.
"I don't fucking know, something like, I don't know, Ophelia."
"The fuck?" I ask.
"Like in Hamlet…Ophelia."
"She committed suicide, Tegan," I say.
"Didn't Sally from Sally's Pigeon die, too?" Tegan shouts at me.
I don't say anything; bite my lower lip and count to ten. I know she's moody and angry, I know that, but I don't get the attacking behavior towards me. I can see Sonia's frown on her face, her eyes are crystal; the way her irises are moving between Tegan and I.
"She didn't even say Sally, can you just relax?" Sonia says.
"Yes, but it's what she suggested first."
"What are your picks, Tegan?"
"You know what, I don't know. I'm so tired. I need to sleep. You guys can drink without secretly pouring alcohol in your juice now." She gets up, hands on her belly, bags under her eyes, swollen knees and swollen feet. The good part that's not so good is that she can fit in my clothes now without getting maternity clothes. I am this fat to her, I look like this each day and yet she says she loves my body, but I just can't love the way she looks in this body, and I feel terrible. I just feel terrible that I want her body to look the same way it used to be. I don't want her to look tired, angry, and exhausted all the time. I feel awful, and maybe that's what keeps me silent most times now.
"Oh, come on, Teegles," Sonia says. "Honey, we're discussing the names. What's wrong?"
Tegan starts to cry. "I'm just so tired. I don't know. I can't think. I really need to go to bed."
"I'm sorry," I say. I know I shouldn't. I didn't hurt her, but I'm guilty for the fact I judged her body in my brain and I can't take it.
She shakes her head. "Don't say sorry. I'm sorry I yelled. I'll just go to bed and in the morning maybe I'll feel better."
Cyndi starts to follow her as she walks away, but before they disappear, I yell, "Cyndi, come here. Mama's tired." Tegan turns around, looking at the cat then at me. Before I get up, Tegan picks her up, kissing her soft fur.
"Let her come with me," Tegan whispers, hugging the cat for what seems to be the first time ever. "Come with mama, little pussy." Sonia laughs. I can only smile. "Oh yes, let's go." She's baby-talking to our cat and I'm honestly speechless, because it's these moments that make my heart flutter, remembering why we're putting up with this pain in the first place. I can't wait to hold our little girl in my arms and talk to her, sing to her, play with her. God, it's going to be miraculous.
"Her mental state is…worrying me," Sonia says when her daughter disappears. "She's calm one second and too edgy the next."
"Yeah." I get up, walking to the kitchen. "She's irritable."
"I'm sorry she's that bitchy to you." I look at Sonia while pouring each of us a glass of red wine. I shrug with a smile. "You're used to it, huh?"
"Kind of. She hasn't been like that for a long time, but I guess…"
"The medicine, she's not taking the same old medicine?"
"Well, no…plus it's her hormones, the way she sees herself and…" I shake my head while handing Sonia her glass.
"And?"
"I guess I haven't been giving her that much care. I blame me, too. I'm not making her feel better about her body like I should be. I mean, look at me, Sonia. I'm kind of larger than her now, and there's something in me that's so happy she's like that but at the same time wants her to give birth and get back to her old shape again. I hate the way I think, I don't know what's going on, I can't control it."
Sonia laughs loudly…and for a long time. I'm guessing she's not used to alcohol at night, or at least not the excess of it. "That's normal, Sara. That's very normal. You're not a bad girlfriend if you're thinking like that. I mean, I'm her mother and I'm like oh, Jesus, please get back to your old shape." She pauses then takes a long sigh. "Sara, what she did to you and the pain she caused you hurts me till now and maybe more than it hurts her because I feel like what she went through is entirely my fault."
"It's not."
"Oh, yes, it is." She takes a sip of her wine then yawns. "I'm so going to blabber now. I guess I'm getting wasted."
"Yeah, you don't usually drink?"
"Well not like that. Not at night. I tend to get sappy, blabber about things I probably shouldn't say. But I'm at ease."
I chuckle, sipping a little wine myself. "Well, it's nice to spend the first hours of a New Year being at ease."
"Yeah, yeah." She yawns again. "You know, Sara?"
"Yeah?"
"I've done many mistakes raising Tegan, so many. I've done many mistakes in my life, but there's this one thing I can't stop thinking about. It lingers in my brain each day. I can't seem to get it off my head." Her tears start falling as if she has a button that activates her them immediately.
"What is it?" I guess she really is starting to blabber, but I have to listen. I don't want to be rude. Plus, I'm a therapist; I should at least give her some of my time.
"Oh, I can't tell you." She chuckles, sniffling. "I promised."
"Oh." Then how am I going to help her? "Is it about Tegan?" She shakes her head.
"It's something I want to get off my chest. I want to make sure so I wouldn't die with this guilt." She pauses while I remain lost. "But God, what if it's true?"
"I won't tell anyone…I won't tell Tegan if you don't want her to know."
"You will," Sonia says, rolling her eyes.
"I can hold secrets, Sonia."
"Mine is not just a secret, darling. Mine is a shame." She looks down at her drink. "You have to assure me, though."
I don't understand, so I don't say anything. I'm not sure what she wants right now. She should sleep. Maybe I can tell her to sleep next to Tegan tonight. I'll use the couch, it's okay. Or I can sleep on the floor in the nursery. That's not suitable for my back, though.
"When I was young…" Sonia begins.
Oh, God. Here we go. Now I have to pretend I'm interested. Sonia's so drunk, damn.
"I was very young. You won't even believe it. I was actually thirteen and Stephen was Sixteen." More tears stain her red cheeks. "We had sex for the first time." I don't want to know when Tegan's parents fucked. God, I don't. "It wasn't protected." She chuckles. "And guess what?"
It's not that I don't answer because I'm shocked with the information, because at this moment, I'm still in denial that she's giving me the answers for my questions. At this moment, Sally, I still give zero fucks about what she's saying.
"I found out I'm pregnant. Can you imagine? Me, thirteen and pregnant." My eyes widen, I almost spill my wine on the carpet. "Yes, with Catholic parents. Imagine the shock, the shame, the fear. The shit I went through." I can't even speak a word because I'm not sure she's actually saying accurate details or not at the moment. "My parents were horrified, his were so angry. He was filthy rich and I was from a middle class family."
"What happened?" Yes, my heart is fighting to leave my body. Yes, my lungs are about to stop. Yes, the fears I once imagined are all clapping inside my stomach right now.
"I carried the little baby. My mother was against abortion. His parents wanted me to get an abortion. His parents threatened they'll desert him if he didn't leave me and the baby, but he didn't care and he was right by my side. We were kids. We were kids but I was becoming a mother, and I felt like one and I started to grow these maternal feelings; the longing, the love, the need, the affection." Her tears have increased and mine are now visible in my eyes only because of the fear dwelling in my chest. God, let it not be true what I'm thinking of. What if it's another figment of my imagination?
"I had a little girl without a name." The more she talks, the more I can feel myself getting shot by one thousand bullets all over my body. I'm losing the sense in my limbs. "A little baby. She was amazing. Promise you won't tell that to Tegan. Tegan has a sister…or had, actually. I don't know. That's the thing. That's what's killing me…" Stop talking. Please. "That girl was so beautiful. So small but chubby. I actually kept her for two months. Yes. I breastfed her, I played with her, I loved her…" Stop talking, I'm begging you. "But my mother insisted we give her for adoption. We didn't even give her a name, we called her…" Snowball. "We called her Snowball." My gasp leaves my mouth without me realizing it. I choke on my sobs and my saliva. Sonia's brows furrow as I stop breathing, still hoping against all hopes I'm in some dream. "Sara…"
"Continue," I only hear myself saying. "Please, continue."
She looks at me for a few seconds, swallows the wine in the glass then speaks again, "My mother insisted we get rid of the baby through adoption. She didn't want me and Stephen to be in contact with her because of the family issues we had. She wanted to solve everything; she always thought she could do that. She planned who she would give my daughter to. I know that. Throughout my pregnancy I heard her making phone calls and arranging. She plotted and schemed and never told me. I wanted to know. I knew I couldn't get rid of this baby. She was mine. I wanted her." It can't be real. It can't be real. God, it cannot be real. "I woke up one day and the little girl was not asleep in her crib. That's when I lost it. Depression hit me in ways you cannot even imagine. I was even hospitalized." She buries her face in her hands and I slap my face, biting on my tongue. "They took my baby away and I never found her." She cries and cries and so do I. I don't know what to do. I can't feel my legs, my feet, my arms…I can only feel the sound of destruction inside my chest. "I wanted to know who she gave my baby to, she told me she gave her to people who wanted a baby, people who would take care of her. I spent six years mourning for my baby and so did Stephen until I conceived Tegan just to wash away the guilt and depression, and you know what I fucking did? I ruined it and made my daughter's life a living hell. I'm a terrible mother and I don't want you guys to be like that."
Oh, I think we will be…Yeah…yeah we will be.
"But the thing is, Sara, I can feel my daughter's presence so close to me. I'm just not sure. Stephen feels it, too."
It can't be me. But it is me. I can't be her daughter. She cannot be my mother. No…no. I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming.
"Before her death, my mother told me that my daughter has died and she didn't tell me. She told me she asked the family. She was young and her health was poor, that's what Tegan's grandmother said." Is this the mother I've been looking for? The mother I spent my entire life looking for? No. No. "But I can't settle. I can't settle. I have to know, Sara. Tell me," she whispers. She knows. She fucking knows.
"Maybe she is around you." I'm not even sure where my words are coming from. I can't stop crying. "Do you know about me? Do you know who you're talking to?" It's not the right time, I'm not even sure, but I won't settle too, not after this. I've felt it. I've guessed it. I had a feeling and I kept denying it. How?
She furrows her brows at me again, making me shake my head. I should get her the picture, the letter. Oh God. It's in my room. I can't go in there. Tegan can't know about this. Tegan can't find out about this.
"Do you know that I'm adopted?" Sonia does not answer. She's drunk. Will she remember this? "Do you know that my parents found me on their doorstep? Do you know I've been searching for my birth mother all my life? Do you know a letter came with me and said all that you mentioned? They called me...Snowball. Yeah, Snowball, too." I can't stop the sniffles and hiccups. I'm a mess and I'm making Sonia lose all her ability to form words at the moment. "Do you know what your revelation has done to me right now? Do you know I could be your daughter? Do you know if Tegan finds out about this we're doomed? Tegan could be my sister…Oh, oh, look I'm having a family with my sister." I'm losing it, and she's losing it. I laugh and cry and Sonia slaps her forehead a couple times before hurling on the damn carpet.
I can't even get up to help her because I'm about to vomit, too. This is the worst nightmare I've ever felt. Sharper than any knife I went under in each surgery I had performed on me. Harsher than any Tegan touch that once broke me. Harder than any heartbreak I have felt because of Tegan, my parents, or Emily. Worst than all the times I spent searching for my real parents and ended up in a closed circle, only because they've been right in front of my eyes. I'm having a little baby with my biological sister, and only God knows how fucked up this girl's future is going to be.
"So it's you," Sonia says to me, bending down near her vomit. I know she does not know what to do right now; leave it there, clean it up, continue crying. Well you don't just pop up out of nowhere and tell your daughter's girlfriend that you're her biological mother. "It is really you. Stephen's right."
"No," I stand up. I walk quickly to the kitchen with tears dry on my face. "It's not. It cannot be me."
"We can get a DNA test, but I'm sure you're my daughter."
"Tegan is your daughter." I begin cleaning up the carpet. Nobody has to know about this. I have to carry on with my life. But…Tegan, I can't be with her, I shouldn't be with her. "She's my girlfriend. We're having a little girl."
"You have to break up," says Sonia. "Or be together without her knowing."
"You are despicable." The words are leaving my mouth without my intentions. I cannot control my reaction. This woman cannot be my mother.
Even though my last words took her by surprise, she's still trying with me. When she touches my hand, I flinch and push her away. "Don't you at least want to know how did I know?"
"It does not matter, does it?" I start to cry again. What matters now is that I'm losing my life once again and I saw it coming but I didn't question it because everyone thought I was imagining, Rob thought I was imagining things. "You knew and you didn't say it. It's too late now, it's too late. We have a kid now. You know what that means? A fucking child that we cannot get rid of anymore."
"I did not," Sonia says. "I felt it. I felt it the same way you did."
"I didn't feel it."
"Yes, you did," Sonia says. "I know you, I read your face and your words, I studied your actions; that's how I felt it." I can't even answer her anymore. I'm stunned, I'm breaking. I'm breaking…I'm breaking. "When we greeted you at the airport it's like I was meeting that kid I lost. I thought I felt it alone but Stephen was doubtful, too. He brought it to my attention. He kept saying that nobody looks like someone that way; it's not possible to have the exact same traits, let alone the voice. He insisted I talk to you about it. He insisted I try to know whether you are adopted and Tegan never said anything about that. But there were hints, lots of hints, many hints. I always opened up the subject of incest, I brought it to your attention, I wanted to see your reaction. You never gave me a clue. I thought maybe, you know, maybe it's real. I fought with Stephen over that." She chuckles. "That's what brought us together again, actually. Fighting whether you were sleeping with your sister or not." I turn my face and close my eyes. Sleeping with my sister. I can never feel a worse stab than this. No back ache can equal the pain in my entire body at the moment.
"I know," Sonia continues. "It sounds bad. Imagine how it feels to be me right now. Sara, you did not just look like me. You looked identical to me when I was in my twenties. Stephen couldn't even talk to you more than five minutes in that time. What's funny is that Tegan's grandfather mumbled a couple of words the night of the funeral. He was drunk, of course. He said, 'Oh, Rita died and the kid she killed is back.' Of course that made Stephen burn and boil, made my older sister suspect as well. That's why they were looking and whispering, Sara. That's why everyone was looking and whispering. We hid my past too well, and that's what you are going to do, too."
"How? How is this even possible?"
"That's not all," Sonia says again. "We looked past the topic till I was called a couple of weeks ago by Tegan to talk. A topic pulled another and we were talking about some mysterious baby picture that she assumed I have given to you. She had one copy only and found another all of a sudden. She sent the picture to me, and I could swear nobody had seen this picture since my mother hid all the copies and anything related to you. She showed me the two copies and then I knew. I asked her, who gave you this picture? She said her grandmother. I laughed in hatred towards myself and towards my mother. Apparently she had felt guilty one day and gave Tegan a picture of you and told her she's precious. What my mother didn't know is that I always kept a picture of you in your blanket in case she did what she wanted to do. Just so someone can find me through the picture and I can find my daughter. And she had done what she did and nobody had ever found me, so I thought she had found the picture and removed it. But you know what fate decided to do? To take revenge of my conservative Catholic mother in the most horrible ways and make her two granddaughters fall in love with each other because of something she did. And I'm sorry to say this, but I wish I had aborted you, I wish that was accepted in my family."
"I wish you had aborted me, too."
"That's why I came, Sara. I talked to Stephen about it. We want to make sure. I couldn't talk about it with you till now. I couldn't speak. I couldn't say anything until now. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but Tegan cannot know. You can either continue with this or leave her if you cannot touch her anymore."
I sit back and laugh. Touch her? Wow, I've been fucking my sister for how many years? So many years. We had beautiful, rough sex. We had a threesome with our friend. Wait till Emy knows. What about my parents? If they knew...Well, dad is dead, but mum will follow him. If Joy knew she'll laugh till tomorrow. If Rob knew, he'll stop thinking I'm crazy. If Tegan knew she'll kill our baby. And the other option, leave her? Oh, as if I can do that. I got used to her. I can't leave her. She won't let me. I can't do it. I can't touch her and I can't leave her.
"I wish you didn't tell me," I say.
"I wanted to make sure."
"You should have kept it to yourself. You really should have." My tears won't stop, I can feel my eyes burning.
"We can get a DNA test soon. Tegan can't know, though."
"I want to know how I ended up on that doorstep, though. I want to know who did your mother know that took me there. Because I was given to my grandmother not my parents. My mum just happened to be in Toronto at that time, not Calgary.
Sonia laughs, shaking her head. "We were in Toronto. My mother did not want people to know I got knocked up at such a young age. When my belly began to show, she took me to Toronto. We stayed with my aunt till I gave birth. We left Toronto after she took you away."
"What's the name of your aunt?"
"Lucy."
"Last name," I demand with indignation.
"Lucy Doyle." I nod. "Why?"
"I'm going to ask my mother about that name." I bury my face in my hand to think. I still think this is a lie. A dream. The DNA test will prove otherwise. But the picture. The fucking picture. "I have to tell my family."
"You can't."
"I'm a fucking mistake. I was born for no reason, God." I honestly can't take it anymore. I don't think I'll ever be the same. "When's my birthday?"
"September 19th, 1980." Ten days later than the birthday I celebrate. Even this is a lie. No, nothing will ever be the same.
When Tegan wakes up in the morning, sees us in the same position since the night before, she gets suspicious. When she looks into my eyes, she thinks I was crying because of the way she treated me last night. When she touches my thighs, I flinch. When she tries to kiss my lips, I push her away and run to the bathroom in order to cry. I can't touch her. I can't be with her. I can't leave her.