Sara
February 2013
My knuckles are pale and white as they touch the door, knocking quickly, waiting for one of the two women inside to open. Suitcases are standing right next to me, acting like a shelter from any unnecessary harm, as if anything else can protect me after the destruction has been done. Why is Vancouver so cold? My fragile bones are beginning to ache and my fist is starting to give up. Maybe they're not home. But it's Friday night and Emy does not like to go out on Friday nights, especially now that she's pregnant. If only their garage wasn't closed, I would have known if the car's parked or not. The lights seem to be on.
As soon as I make up my mind to sit on the porch till one of them opens the door, I hear footsteps. Hasty, quick steps become louder and closer by the second. I hear whispering as the door gets unlatched. My tired eyes gaze at two women in their pajamas. One with long brown hair and a protruding belly and the other with shoulder-length red hair and tired eyes. They gasp when they see me. Emy takes me in immediately, wrapping her gentle arms around me.
"Oh my God, Sara," her warm voice greets me. Instantly, my tears resume their action and I continue the crying I have paused as I hopped into the plane from New York. "Look at you." She looks at me, at my face; my scarred, bruised face. Amber takes my suitcases inside and closes the door.
They both take me inside to the cozy living room. The lights are dimmed, so Amber switches them on. I must have woken them up. But it's only a little bit past 10:00.
"What happened?" my best friend asks me. I stare at her blankly; fast tears are covering my entire face. "She kicked you out of there?" I nod my head. "But it's not your fault." I nod again. "She did that to your face?" I nod a third time.
"Emy, let her breathe," Amber says, handing me a glass of water that I take right away and gulp quickly.
"Thank you," I murmur.
"This is a catastrophe," Emy whispers. "It's a disaster."
"Emy," Amber says again, glaring at her wife.
"Going to sell the house in New York and move back with her mum in Calgary for the time being. She wants nothing to do with me at all. I'll take the baby after she gives birth to her and I have to live far away from her. She said she wants to be an aunt, a distant aunt; other than that, she does not want to have any relationship with me or the baby."
"I'm sorry that I'm asking this right now, Sara, but do you think such a solution will work? Do you think she can handle it? Giving up her daughter like that?" Amber asks.
"She's my daughter, too," I answer with a defensive tone. Emy nudges her wife. I lower my head and sigh then continue, "Her mother did it, why wouldn't she be able to do it?"
"What about the family in Calgary?" Emy asks. "What would she say to them? How is she going to hide?"
"Her mother and father are excellent schemers, don't worry about them. They hid the truth that I am their daughter all these years, they can do that. I believe her mother already found a midwife that can give her a home birth, and then they'll forge some information in the hospital, make her my daughter. Her father can do that easily. I guess her mother will hide her well these two months until she gives birth."
"I'm so sorry, Sara." I feel Emy's arm wrap around me, soothing and calming me. I wipe my eyes and sniffle. I don't know what will happen to me now. How am I going to live, to spend, to be alive? The only thing that's making this a little bit tolerable is the fact I'm gonna be able to get my daughter. I'll have someone that, maybe, will make me forget about this disaster.
"Emy, why don't you take her to the bedroom?" Amber suggests. "You two can talk more privately." I look at Amber's fresh face, studying her golden eyes and thin lips as she speaks. "And she probably wants to relax, too."
"It's okay, Amber. Emy doesn't have to accompany me. I'm sorry I came in like that. I have no place to go for now. I'll get back to my parents' house as soon as possible. I just…I have to start from scratch and I thought…"
"Don't explain," says Emy. "It's okay." She smiles gently at me. "Come with me." I furrow my brows at the two women. They say goodnight to each other and I follow Emy to the guest bedroom.
What I find is rather strange. The guest bedroom isn't as empty as I thought. It's inhabited by a mess only my best friend can cause. Sheets on the floor, clothes on a stripped off mattress.
"Sit down, honey," Emy says. I put my suitcase next to the closet and sit down on the mattress as she tries to tidy some of the mess. "You're probably wondering what's going on." I nod. "We're getting a divorce."
"No." I gasp. She chuckles. "Why?"
"It's not working."
"Emy?"
"It will never work."
"But the baby?" Emy shrugs. "What?"
"She doesn't want her."
"What the fuck?"
"It's a long story, Sara. Now you should rest."
Is there anything that's not a long story? Every story can be long or short depending on the way it's told. We live on stories. Stories birth others till these stories break us, shake us, and tear us apart. That's life. "I need to know," I whisper. "You loved her."
Emy chuckles again.
"Look, Sara, we're not meant to be. You know that. When I came back I told her that I slept with you and Tegan, she told me she has been sleeping with a guy for the past six months."
"Fuck," I scream.
"Don't get too shocked." She yawns, almost like it doesn't matter to her. "I suspected it before coming down to you, I thought it's because she wanted a kid. I went to NYC and slept with you because I knew there was something going on. Thought if I hurt her, she was going to feel the pain and quit it. She didn't."
"But…the baby."
"That's my baby."
"Yes, but why did you…"
"We thought we could work it out, but…"
"I'm so sorry."
"She doesn't love me." My friend breaks down crying. Tears fall from her soft blue eyes. "When we learned that we're gonna have a baby with health issues, she gave up quickly. It's as if it was a relief to her. It's what she wanted, you know. She wanted it and then all of a sudden she changed her mind because she fell for a man, Sara. A man."
I squeeze her into a warm hug, realizing that life is nibbling at our frailest wounds, opening them up to keep us bleeding. She cries on my shoulder and I feel her baby kick. I cry, too, because I remember my own baby inside my lover's womb. Oh, how I miss her, how I miss them.
But I'm taken by surprise when Emy kisses me quickly. I pull away with eyes wide, breathing heavily. "I'm sorry," she mouths. "I couldn't control it. I felt too much." I wipe my lips unintentionally. I notice her eyes staring at them. Her tears continue to fall. "I still love you," she admits shamefully. I know that already, so I grab her chin and kiss her lips again. When she pulls away, it's her eyes that are wide with fear and wonder.
"I'll always love you, Emy. You know that."
But this action leaves me feeling guilty and wrong all night. Perhaps it's jet lag, too, that's making me unable to sleep. I stare at the ceiling, pondering about my situation. How am I going to live alone? How am I going to spend? What about the little girl I'm going to have? I can't live with my mother all my life. I can't deny my truth. I will never be able to settle or find myself again. It's as if God really hates me. As soon as I was starting to become normal, I lost it again. How am I going to live normally? I never depended on myself. I could never do anything by myself. Why is life only cruel to me? Always kicking me down?
The thoughts bring my tears out of my eyes and I gasp in fright as shadows begin to darken inside my skull. I feel Emy's gentle touch on my hand but I let go at the speed of light. She, too, is as lost as I am, I bet.
"Don't worry about it," she whispers. "I cry myself to sleep each night because of overthinking. I didn't today because you're close to me."
"No," I shake my head. "Don't get your hopes up about me."
I hear soft laughter in my ears, the kind that has given up a long time ago.
"That's not what I meant."
Embarrassingly, I don't respond.
"I know you don't love me that way."
I don't respond again.
"You know that my baby will not be normal? That if she survived."
I reach for her hand again, but this time she pulls it away. I guess none of us wants the pity.
"I already found a name," she mutters with a crying tone. "Pearl."
"That's a beautiful name."
"What are you gonna call your baby?"
"I don't know," I say honestly. I look at her face finally. Why did I kiss her? Why did I cheat on Tegan?
I start to cry again.
When she doesn't say anything, I speak, "How come you're still living here? You look like a normal family."
"We're still going to therapy, but I know it's not working. I sleep here, she sleeps in our bedroom." Emy sends her sarcastic, fed-up chuckle my way. "She goes out to see him every day in her break. You know we still share the same work. I can't just be kicked out of her life like that; I have a percentage in the store. Though, I fear one day she kicks me out of the house. It's hers after all." But this is going to happen soon. Emy needs to wake up.
She will be thrown out to the wolves just like me.
In the morning I find Amber in the kitchen making breakfast. I sit at the table, holding my phone, not knowing who to text first about my homeless situation. Mum or Robert? But before I do, I get called by my…biological mother. I panic, which makes me stare blankly at my ringing phone.
"Aren't you gonna get that?" Amber asks.
I pick up, not knowing how to say hi.
"Sara," her shaken voice greets me. "Tell me that you're safe, please."
"Yes," I say dryly.
"Where are you?"
"None of your business," I answer cruelly.
I know it's not her fault, but it's easier to put the blame on her. If it's anyone's fault it's my biological grandmother's fault. Sonia took care of me, I can't deny that. She was always there for me. I know she's still there for me. She offered to pay for the baby's needs when she's born, I rejected. I don't want anyone's money or anyone's pity, especially not from there. Nobody believes in me, and to be quite honest, I don't blame them. I proved that I could be nothing all through these years.
"Don't treat me like that," she whispers. "I'm not the one who kicked you out. I wanted it to be solved. I wanted you to be with her."
"Be with my sister? Be incestuous? You're a freak. You're sick," I spit harsh words, not knowing why other than the fact it makes me feel better.
"I just wanted to check on you, but I guess you're making it clear you don't want anything to do with me."
"For fuck's sake you think you're doing? You want to be my mother now? You're not my mother. You're her mother. You can't just butt into my life as my biological mother."
"It's not my fault you're not mine and you know that," she shouts.
Amber is starting at me with a glass of orange juice in her hand.
"I don't want to talk about that. What's done is done. Goodbye." I hang up
As soon as I do, I bury my face in my hands to sob. My eyes are stinging due to the infinite amount of tears I've been shedding since the news broke out. When I feel Amber's hand against my back, I look up at her lopsided, sympathetic smile.
"Why did you do that to Emy?" I ask, sniffling.
"Emy doesn't love me, Sara. She never did."
I chuckle. "She said the same thing about you."
The redhead pushes a plate that has an omelet, two sausages, and some bacon in front of me. "She's in love with you. She never got over you."
I remain silent.
Next, she pours some coffee in a black mug that says, "I only woke up for this" and hands it to me. I mutter a quick 'thanks', watching her sit down again.
"I'm willing to fix it. I really am. I'm trying, Sara. You think I'm not? I know she has made me seem as the devil but I swear I'm not." A tear falls out of her eyes. "I cheated, I know that. It was a whim. It was a dark time for both of us. I wanted a damn baby, I couldn't get it. She was not willing to do it. We grew apart because all we did was fight."
"But then she did it," I raise my voice a bit. She flinches. "She did it for you," I say in a more calm tone.
"She did it because she was jealous of you and Tegan. Because she never thought you'd last. She never thought you'd start a family. She never thought things could develop like that between you two. She didn't say that but I know my wife too well. I know her like the back of my hand. When she knew about your coming baby, she felt like something was missing, like she missed on something, like she had to follow up. When the doctors suggested she gets an abortion right after knowing the consequences our baby might have on its health and Emy's health, she refused." My eyes are wide open and my mouth agape with incredulity. "She just wanted the baby to brag, not for the purpose that we wanted it for. We fought day and night because of that. I found myself starting to hate being around her. I confronted her and told her she still loves you and she didn't deny it. And then she told me that she has slept with you and your sister when she visited."
Amber wipes her tears but now mine are falling when she hits an aching spot and wounds me with her words. Emy lied and told me she told Amber she slept with us when she came back. I don't know why my best friend is doing that, and I don't know which side to believe, but all I know is that we are fucked up, even Amber. And it makes me wonder if this is normal, if everyone else is as fucked up as we are, if this is just part of being human.
When you read this, Sally, I want you to know the answer, which is a YESSS! Everyone else is fucked up. Some of us more than others. Some hide it well, some don't. Except Stacy. God, she's boring. A boring angel. At times I wish you become just like her, but, honestly, there's no way in hell you can be anything than fucked up with mothers like Tegan and me, with past like Tegan and mine.
I reach no point of agreement while discussing with Amber. She thinks that it's Emy who doesn't want them to work it out, while Emy says otherwise. And, honestly, I'm too restless to care about that. I take my phone and walk to the living room to make some phone calls. First I dial up my mother.
Breathing in, breathing out, hands over my chest, I greet the old woman.
"How are you, honey?"
"Mum," I say with a made-up cold tone. Please, don't crack. Please don't. "I need to tell you something."
"Speak up."
"Tegan kicked me out," I start. "I'll have the baby and she'll be an aunt. A distant aunt. We won't be contacting each other. I…I have nowhere to live for now. I'm in Vancouver."
I explain to my mother the situation. My mother cries during the entire phone call. This is the woman that loves me, the woman that has always loved me, the woman I have tried to get away from in order to search for the one that bore me. Life has a funny way of teaching one a lesson.
"Just come here, Sara. Come here, honey. Live with me. It's okay. You know it's fine. I'm living by myself. Your sister is going to college."
"Mum, my sister is going to York. You think she's actually gonna live in a dorm instead of her comfortable house?" The use of sister, mother, and father is strange now when I know my real family. It aches me how nothing's normal anymore, yet our minds can't process it yet.
"So what?" says Jessica. "Who's gonna help you with the baby? I will help you."
"I need my own life out of this poison, mum. I need a new life."
"How are you gonna get it?"
"I need money," I ask. "I'll give it back to you as soon as I'm on my feet again, I promise. I'm gonna look for jobs here. I have an MA now. I think I can find something."
My mother sighs at the burden that I am. I just want to be independent. It's time to be independent. Depending on others has gotten me to this point, being lost when I have nothing anymore.
The thing is, I have money. I have money stored in my and Tegan's account. But it's not my money. It's Tegan's. She used to help me. I know she is going to take all the money out and close the account as soon as possible. I have a baby coming to live with me soon. I have to be the mother I always dreamed to be in order to help this baby grow in a safe environment. And I honestly don't know if Vancouver is the right place to settle in, but I know that it's the place I lived most of my happy years in. I have so many memories in here and I know many things. I met Tegan here. I was with Emy here. I studied here. I belong here. It's the place I can call home and I don't want any other place. I don't want Toronto because I don't want to be reminded of my failure every time I wake up in my bedroom. I don't want Montreal or any other place far away because I don't want to be more lost than I am. I want a place that does not fear me, a place I don't fear. I don't care if I'll have to lie to anyone who I'll run into by accident if they asked me about Tegan. I doubt I'll run into anyone, anyway. But if I do, I'll lie well. People didn't even know we were dating. I guess that's the good side that came out of us not socializing much with people.
I dial up Rob next. I call him in order to vent. He listens because he's the best friend I can wish for. Not that Emy isn't, or Tegan wasn't. But I know I can count on Rob in times like these more than anyone. His support is what I seek, and his support is what I receive.
"I promise you that life will take you to a beautiful place. All you're going through is only making you stronger. You are strong, Sara. Can't you see that? You have the stamina of Wonder Woman and the will power of a goddess. This is a test. A harsh test, I know. A test that will make of you an unbreakable woman, you'll see. I know it's too hard to believe. I know I sound too optimistic, but you'll see."
Joy; however, gives me a different side of support, which makes me regret calling her. "I'm gonna murder that motherfucker. I'm gonna kill her, I swear. If I see her, I'll murder her with my bare hands."
"Relax, please." I don't know why I called her in the first place. I guess I'm feeling lonely and lost, but calling Joy is a mistake because she's still dramatic and she still hates Tegan. Now that she knows Tegan is my biological sister, she hates her more. Telling her she kicked me out isn't a good option at all.
"How can I relax when my sister is getting humiliated for something she hasn't done?"
My sister…
"I know you're hurting, Sara. I know that. You don't deserve any of what happened to you. Since you met Tegan, your life has gone downhill from there. You can't deny it."
No, I can't. But I can't say that the best years I've spent weren't with Tegan. I guess I should believe in the law of attraction. I wanted so much to find my biological family that they were presented for me on a silver plate; I was just too dense to see that.
At noon, I receive a call from a strange phone number. When I pick it up, I hear her voice. The voice that shakes me and leaves me speechless.
"Where should I send your stuff to? I wanna sell the place," she says, without even a hello.
"I…" I hesitate. I don't know what to tell her. I have no place yet. I'm homeless. "I don't have a place yet."
"I don't fucking care, Sara. Where are you staying? I have to sell the apartment and your stuff is in the way."
Sell them, I wanted to yell. But I couldn't. My stuff is my books, and I can't replace these. My stuff is my memories, and I can't sell these.
"I'm staying at Emy's."
She chuckles. "I knew it," she says mockingly.
After dinner I spend some time searching for jobs on the internet. I apply for any job I can at the moment, not necessarily in my major. I just want to be able to live and make ends meet in order to provide for my daughter.
Emy leaves the shower with fresh pajamas and a towel on her head. "Amber, come help me with the exercises, please." I squint at her before going in to take my shower.
If they hate each other that much, how come they can't do a single thing without one another? Amber makes the food for Emy and Emy fixes the broken drawers for Amber. They sat together to make a grocery list today then Amber helped Emy apply coconut oil on her body. After that, at dinner, Amber kept adding food in Emy's place while Emy continued asking her about her flue. In all honesty, Tegan and I only took care of each other like that in rare times. I know Emy and Amber can fix their issues. But I guess expecting a baby with a birth defect is hard on both of them. Emy seems stronger than Amber regarding their situation, which is actually strange because I know my friend too well to know such issue would have made her horrified. I suppose motherhood is too powerful to comprehend; a feeling I will never get to experience while raising my child. I don't even know how Tegan will cope with giving up her child, but I'm glad she's giving her up to me. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if this wasn't the deal. If she took the baby, too, I know I wouldn't be able to survive because now I have nothing to live for other than the expected infant.
"Any luck finding jobs?" Emy asks me in the room after my shower.
"I applied for some companies and schools." Now I'm using her hairdryer while looking at her through the mirror.
She's lying on her back, hands above her swollen tummy. "Honestly, Sare, I don't think you'll find jobs easily. People are complaining about unemployment."
"Thanks for the support." I roll my eyes, focusing on my brown locks, tired face, and lazy eyes.
"I'm just trying to keep you in the picture." She sighs when I don't answer her. "What I mean is don't give up on your online job."
"It doesn't pay enough."
She nods, sitting up slowly. "I know, but don't give up on it."
"Okay."
Before falling asleep, as I stare at the ceiling above, studying the faint light coming from the window, I ask Emy, "What exercises did Amber help you with today?"
"Some pregnancy exercises. A little bit of yoga." She pauses. "They said that the baby will come easily if I did these exercises. I don't think I'll have a natural birth and, at the same time, I can't have a C-Section because she will have slow development in the brain and I want her to take her time inside until she's ready." Her voice begins to break at the end. I touch her hand, rubbing the soft skin with my thumb. "I'm not prepared to say goodbye."
"Is it a strong chance she will…" I don't finish.
"No," Emy speaks up. "She might live till and even by then I don't think I'll be ready to say goodbye. There's a chance she might die in birth. There's a chance I might die."
"What caused this?" I feel like a jerk for asking but my curiosity is killing me.
"I honestly don't know," she answers. "I didn't even smoke nor drink during pregnancy. It's genetics, I guess. Some fucked up gene in me." I squeeze her hand.
"Amber cares about you," I comment. She doesn't answer. "Who would do all that if they hated their wife? Tegan only did that after she broke me to pieces."
"Well, Tegan isn't exactly part of the human race if you asked me." I don't answer her. Talking about Tegan hurts me. She will always be the tender spot in my chest. "I mean look at you, still stuttering, still limping, still consuming cortisone like candy."
"Yeah, now I'm as fat as a woman pregnant with quintuplets. It's okay, you can say it, Emy. Everybody pointed it out. Everybody gasps when they see me."
But Emy pointed out something I haven't noticed before. Still stuttering. I haven't noticed I'm stuttering until she mentioned it. And it's like my mind was playing tricks on me and I have adapted to the situation that, to me, is non-existent.
"The point, Sara, is that Tegan never treated you well and you know it. She knows it. Everyone knows it. And once she discovered the ugly truth, which you're not responsible for, she kicked you out of her life as if you meant nothing to her. She fucking gave up her baby. Does she even have feelings? Compassion?" I don't give her an answer because right now I'm choking on my sobs, on the pain that she just ignited. "I know my words are harsh and I'm sorry. I really am. I'm just trying to wake you up."
"I know."
"I loved Tegan a lot and, yes, she's still a friend. I know what happened was something she couldn't control, I know. But I care about you too much to see you hurt like that, and now you're dying in front of me I want nothing more than to seek revenge on your behalf because I know you're too fucking nice to do that. You have a kind heart, you can never hurt anyone." Yeah, a kind heart. What a shameful thing to have these days. "I'm watching my best friend and my first love shriveling and withering away right in front of me. I'm watching the life she once had getting sucked away. I can't stay silent. Remember how happy you were? Remember how funny? Remember how sarcastic and mean and lively? God, I miss you. I miss that bubbly Sara with shaggy hair and thick lisp jumping around in her dorm room, fighting with the video game, drinking coffee and making a plan to quit university. I miss my Sara. I miss that Sara that was too dramatic, exaggerated all her emotions and all her feelings, loved too much, was too shy to have sex if it's not in the dark, but dirty-minded enough to turn me on and get away with it, too annoyed of everything, too disgusted, a clean freak who spotted dirt from a street away. I miss that Sara. I miss her."
"She's gone."
"And who killed her?"
I don't give her an answer. I cry more. It's her turn to give my hand a squeeze.
"Time is a bitch, I know." I don't know how we moved from talking about her relationship to my fucked up life, but I guess she really made me see things I couldn't see. "Amber and I can fix our problems but we both know I won't ever love her as much as I love you."
"Emy…"
"I know, I know." She sighs. "I'm not asking that from you."
"I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault. It's mine. I never got over you."
"It's not like you can control it. I mean…I love Tegan…I love my sister."
The sun comes down and another morning strikes me with its cruel presence. I find Amber rubbing Emy's back in the living room when I wake up. Emy is crying heavily.
"Is she okay?"
"She usually wakes up with a terrible back ache. She'll calm down."
The scene takes me back in time, when Tegan used to do the same to me. I swallow my tears and head towards the kitchen to prepare my coffee. I check my phone to find a text message from Tegan's new number.
Your things will arrive tomorrow. I sent some of the baby stuff, too. You better find a place before she arrives.
I roll my eyes at my screen. If she cared about the baby, she wouldn't have kicked her away from her life. But I'm glad she did.
And, yes, I have to find a place before my baby arrives but first I need a job. How will I pay rent without a job?
Amber is too nice. She offers staying at her place for the time being until I find a job. I can't be more thankful for her. I hope I find one before the baby arrives.
However, days pass and Vancouver becomes a stranger to me when I knock on each door without any luck. Employers look for experience, the same old fucked up alibi.
Emy's belly becomes bigger and her issues increase. She moves from doctor to another; from one hospital to another as the baby in her womb gives her a hard time. But the good thing that comes out of this is that she and Amber are slowly reconciling.
"Without you we wouldn't have reached this point," Amber says. "Thank you, Sara." Amber thinks me coming here made Emy get in touch with her feelings and herself. She thinks that I had something to do with it, while it's natural for human beings to lean towards the soft hearts that are gentle to them instead of crawling in dirt for the stony ones that couldn't care less about them. Me showing Emy that there is no way I can be with her or give her love made her recoil and accept the love given to her by her wife.
"What about the man?" I ask Amber. "Still seeing him?" She shakes her head guiltily. "It's your fault, too."
"I know. I apologized."
In the middle of March, Emy returns to her original bedroom with her wife. They begin preparing the nursery but I know both of them are not too much into it. I keep hearing 'who cares' and 'but what if…?' which leaves my heart broken for them. Why can't anybody be happy?
"If we lose her, we'll make a new one," I hear Amber saying one evening. The door of the nursery is open as I step outside and watch my friend crying with both hands covering her face. Her wife sitting beside her, rubbing her back.
"She'll have disabilities till we lose her. Disabilities all her life…her limited life." Amber looks at me with a helpless frown. I don't know what to do or what to say. It seems like it has just hit Emy what the situation is. "I wish I aborted her. Oh my God, I'm so stupid."
"You're not," Amber whispers. "You're a loving mother. We will love her and she will love us and I know it's something hard to raise a child with disabilities but we will do it. We can do it. She will only have us and we have to empower her. We can't make her feel bad."
I leave the room and head towards the guest bedroom, envying the love this woman has for Emy. They had issues when I came and they fixed them up like civil human beings. I could never do that properly with Tegan. Did Tegan ever love me or was it just a need to have me?
My thoughts are cut short when I receive a call I was not expecting from Sonia.
"Sara," she says panting. "Tegan is in labor. Please take a flight to Calgary right now."
And that's when my entire life has changed, Sally. It was the day of your arrival. Tegan was birthing you and, while watching, a new life was being birthed inside of me.
I arrive at 9:00 PM that day, expecting to see my sister with a newborn in her arms. But, when I arrive to Sonia's house, I hear the screaming and crying loud and vibrant inside the entire house.
"She's still in labor. It's been seven hours," her mother says when she opens the door. Tears cover her face. Blood stains her shirt.
"She's due next week."
"No," she says as we go upstairs in a hurry. "You calculated wrong."
The closer I get to the bathroom, the louder are the noises. I hear her whiny sobs and her curses as she screams for her mother.
"I left her alone. I shouldn't leave her alone." Sonia enters the bathroom and I follow timidly, as if it is not the woman I dated for eight years in there, as if this isn't the baby I was expecting with her she's birthing now alone, as if nothing has happened between us, as if I'm a stranger.
The first look I take hurts my sight. Here is Tegan, naked in a tub full of red water, pushing her guts out, tears staining her face, sweat coating her brows and wetting her hair. The midwife is screaming for her to push, hands between her spread legs.
"Momma, come here," cries my sister. "Please, don't leave me." My tears instantly start to fall when she holds on to our mother's hand the way she should be holding mine. "I can't take it."
"You can do it," Sonia says gently. "Come on. We're close."
"I can see the head, Tegan," the midwife announces, making Tegan smile and cry at the same time. "Just give me one strong push."
I approach closer to the tub, still too careful to make a sound. I don't want to be rejected in this moment. I don't want her to send a mean word towards me. I want to witness the birth. It's the moment I've been waiting for.
"Please, please, get her out," Tegan cries, her head leaning back as she tries to push.
"You're not pushing well. Push more...push."
She shakes her head violently, and while doing that, she spots me standing there. Her eyes open as tears fall from them. "I can't," she says, without averting her gaze. "I can't."
"Yes, you can," her mother says sternly. She squeezes her eyes shut then opens them again. "Please try."
"You can, Tegan. Just take a deep breath and squeeze your mother's hand and push." She shakes her head again. "Take her hand, too." The midwife points at me. "You're close, dear. Your baby wants to get out." Tegan looks at me again, but I'm too scared to move towards her to take her other hand.
"Sara," Sonia calls. "Come here. Grab her hand."
"Is she…okay with it?" when I speak, I notice that my voice is barely audible due to my excessive crying.
"Tee?" Sonia looks at her and Tegan, surprisingly, nods.
And that's when I finally spot the hope I was searching for from Tegan. She does not hate me as I thought.
I take her hand and feel mine breaking quickly at the pressure she puts on it. I look at my mother's scratched, red hand and swallow hard as I stare at my sister's pained face.
"Come on, Tegan. Why don't you try?" the midwife says. "Take a deep breath and push with all the strength you have."
Tegan closes her eyes, breathing in and out slowly. I look down at her nude chest and large belly, then down between her legs. I see the hands of the midwife holding the head of my daughter and soon feel queasy at the sight. I look up quickly when I feel Tegan's hand killing mine. She lets out the loudest scream I have ever heard from her as she pushes. I look down again to see the midwife slowly pulling the baby. I feel like hurling but I can't do it now. I take a deep breath and look up at her face again.
"She's almost out. Just one push. One last push. Come on," shouts the midwife.
"Please, God," she cries as her strength withers. "Please, get out," she says the last word loudly as she pushes. I look down again as I watch the baby slowly appearing from between her legs. "Oh my God," she cries in fear and shock, looking at the baby held upside down in front of her, still holding my hand.
"You did it," Sonia says. "You did it."
I'm too hypnotized to look back at her. I look at the tiny wriggling infant as the midwife cuts the umbilical cord attached to her mother. She slaps her bum three times until my baby starts crying and I start crying as if I have never cried before. I cover my face with my hands, pulling away from Tegan against my will, and weep.
I will have to narrate this moment as mine. I will have to steal Tegan's birth story. I will have to lie to my child when I know too well this moment is not mine, but hers. I feel jealous. Why do I feel jealous?
What makes it worse for me is seeing the baby thrown at her as she tries to stay conscious.
"She needs stitches," the midwife announces. "That's a huge tear in there."
Sonia takes a look between Tegan's legs as I look into her eyes. She shows no emotion towards me.
"Oh my…" She jumps and I jump at her reaction, looking at the baby latching on her right breast naturally, without any guidance, without any effort.
She appears to be horrified and scared as she looks down, holding the small baby in her arms.
"Mama," she calls in horror. Sonia looks up, wonder and amazement in her eyes.
Slowly, I back away as my jealousy rises.
"It's okay. Just hold her. It's natural, honey. Just this time. Don't push her away." My eyes meet Sonia's as I step away from the bathroom and run down to the living room to cry. I can never do that. I can never put her against my breast and feed her. I will never bond with her like a real mother. She will never feel it.
I text my mother that Tegan has given birth as soon as I am alone downstairs, crying my eyes out, scared and confused. Just a moment later I receive a text message from mum:
I'm coming down to Calgary. The keys of our old house are with your cousin. I'll call him to prepare them. Don't book a hotel room. I'm coming down today, don't worry.
When I look up, I find Sonia beside me. A frown on her face, tears running down her lids.
"Can I talk to you?" I shrug. "Without any defensive response from you? Please?"
I allow her to speak, remaining silent and reposed.
"I know how you feel." I doubt she does. "You're not the one who gave birth to her. You won't breastfeed her. You feel like you won't have that special bond with her."
"No," I exclaim. "You don't know this feeling. My mother does, not you."
"Sara…"
"The woman who found me outside of her door. She knows that feeling. You don't know it." I wipe some more tears. "And I'm gonna experience it again while this baby right here is going to experience the same feeling I have always felt. But I'm not stupid. I won't tell her she has a mother or father who left. I'll tell her and tell the world I had her on my own because I wanted her. She should feel loved, wanted, and safe."
"Why are you acting as if it was my decision to give you up?" Sonia asks calmly. "You know the story too well. If it isn't for my stupid mother, we wouldn't be here."
I don't answer her. She's right. It was not her decision.
"I'm the one who supported and still supports you and Tegan staying together and hiding whatever mess fate has caused."
"I know." And it's what I want, too. I want to be with her. I miss her.
"Then don't go acting as if I'm the villain. I always supported you even when I didn't know you were my daughter."
"You're not my mother," I interrupt.
"Excuse me?"
"You're not," I repeat. "You gave birth to me, okay. But you're not my mother. I have a mother, a sister, and a father. Don't try to be my mother now. You don't know much about me. You helped me. You were kind. I appreciate that. But you're not my mother."
"Okay."
"And that's what the baby's going to know. The story we're gonna tell her is that I found my biological parents through a funny coincidence at university when Tegan became my roommate. That's what I should have searched for when I suspected the strange similarities, and that's what you should have done, too."
"I wasn't sure," Sonia whispers. "I was told you died. I wasn't sure."
"We can't change anything now."
The silence invades the next minute as I cry some more. She puts her hand on my shaking leg to stop it. "Come with me upstairs. You have to learn how to bathe her, change for her and hold her." Sonia stands up. She smiles softly, giving me her hand to take. "Come on. You have to hold her. Let her get used to you. Babies don't know who their mothers are when they're a day old. They'll just get used to the people they're always surrounded by."
I go upstairs again with Sonia leading me to the bathroom. Tegan's still in there nursing the baby. She looks at us with her swollen tired eyes.
"She won't leave it," she says innocently. I almost laugh but I don't. However, a smile appears on my face. A smile that annoys her.
Sonia laughs, though. It's a small giggle. "She's hungry, I guess," the older woman says. She take the baby from Tegan gently, but soon enough the crying begins. "Shuuush. It's okay, little one. It's okay. Come on. Let's meet mommy." I look at Tegan instantly. I find her glaring eyes scanning me as her mother approaches me with the newborn. "Hold her the way I'm doing. Be careful."
"She's bloody," I say in disgust. I'm not even sure where to place my hand. She's small and dirty. She won't stop shrieking. Sonia laughs again. "I don't know how." I start to cry. It's like a push of a button for me. Everything now leads to tears.
"Just put a hand under her armpit and one on her bum, then when she's in your arms, move your hand to support her head. We'll wash her now."
"Why don't you wrap her in a blanket? She'll get cold." I turn around, looking at the midwife. "You have to put on a diaper for her. Take her outside as I help Tegan take quick shower and then you can wash her."
"Good idea." Sonia snaps her fingers. "I got distracted. Hold her. I'll come back with her things." I am clueless. I don't know how to raise a child.
I don't know what I'm doing. As soon as I get her close to my chest, I feel her peeing on me. Sonia comes back to see me more disgusted and more scared, while Tegan is trying her best to remain awake as the midwife helps her up slowly.
"Oh, she peed on you." I nod in shock. "Welcome to motherhood, Sara." I want to tell Sonia not to speak like that in front of Tegan because it's clearly making her feel upset. She's looking at us with tears in her eyes and I can't say nor do anything about it.
We sit in Tegan's room. Sonia shows me all the stuff of the nameless baby Tegan didn't send. Most of these clothes and items were shopped for by me and Tegan. I spot new things like bottles, diapers, pacifiers, and some more clothes and undergarments. I wonder what happened to the nursery we worked so hard on. All the colors, the themes. This was supposed to be our moment. We would have been so happy. God, why did this happen to us? I just need one simple answer.
"You're gonna stay here for now?"
"No. I'll stay in my parents' house till I can go back to Vancouver."
"You have to stay here a little bit. She's a day old, Sara."
"I know," I mutter, confused and lost.
"Wait here, please." She disappears momentarily from the room.
I take the chance to look at the baby. Her eyes are now closed as she rests in my arms, wrapped up in white sheets. Her small hands are closed and somehow her nails are long. It makes me giggle looking at the tiny everything that she owns. This is mine. She's my baby.
"I want you to take this." She hands me an envelope. "It's not much but it can help you for now. At least find a place for you and her. I'll help with the rent."
"No." I push her hand away. "I don't need money."
"You don't have money."
"I do," I lie.
"Sara, please. I'm trying to help you."
"I don't need anyone's help."
We are interrupted by Tegan and the midwife, slowly walking towards the bed. My ex lover is limping as she walks, wincing in pain. She's clad in a big black t-shirt and thin, patterned pajama pants.
I stand up when she sits on her mattress. I try to look elsewhere but her face, but I fail. I fail miserably because I love her and I want to be with her in this moment. I want to hold her and make her feel better.
"I guess my job here is done," the midwife announces. "Now, Tegan, as we agreed. Don't move much these couple of days. Your stitches are still fresh. Don't use tampons. Vitamins and good food will get you back as healthy as ever within a week. If anything happens, you head to the ER urgently."
Sonia leads the woman out of the room and downstairs, while I stand still in an awkward room with a whiny baby in my arms.
"Please take care of her," I'm caught by surprise hearing that. I look up at the crying woman, too tired to open her eyes. Tears are running past them as she rests her head back against the headboard. I always thought a home birth wouldn't be good for her and I fear her health might deteriorate at the moment.
"Of course I will."
Sonia comes back again. She takes the baby from me and starts rocking her. "That's how you do it, otherwise she won't stop moaning." Tegan opens her eyes again, looking at her mother and…our baby. "Oh, boy, did she already poop?" Sonia looks inside her diaper and wrinkles her nose.
"It's because she just got fed."
"Name her." Both of us look at the woman with the raspy voice lying in bed. "She has no name. Are you gonna keep on saying she and her?"
"I…I didn't prepare a name." I bite at my lower lip, not sure what to do. I have no name in mind. We always fought about the name before the catastrophe. After that I stopped thinking of names.
"Yes, you did," Tegan argues. "You wanted Sally. Call her that."
"But you…"
"You're her mother," she cuts me off. "You call her whatever you want."
"Okay," Sonia puts an end to an argument sure to start if not stopped. "Sally...Sally is a nice name."
"Alright," I agree quietly. "Sally."
"Come on, Sara. Let's go bathe her and change her diaper. Tegan, try to rest right now." Sonia kisses her forehead. "You did a wonderful job. Sleep, honey."
I spend the entire night in Sonia's room as we try to get Sally to stop crying. She teaches me how to prepare milk for her and feed her. She tells me tricks to make her stop crying at night.
I change the diaper for Sally two times until I get the hang of it. "Is she gonna need lots of changing like that every day?"
"Yes, she will." I should have read some motherhood books because I am quite clueless. I just thought me and Tegan were going to do this together, figure it all out together. I didn't think I was going to feel lost and overwhelmed.
When my mother arrives, I call a cab to pick me up to go to her house.
"I prefer you stay here," Sonia says at 6:00 in the morning.
"No," I answer coldly. "I prefer staying with my mother. Plus, Tegan doesn't want me or Sally here."
"That's not true," Sonia says but I ignore her and walk down the stairs. "Am I not gonna see her at all? She's my grandchild after all."
"You can see her whenever you wish." I stand at the door, looking at the older woman who has the same eyes I own. "Thank you, Sonia."
My mother and sister give me the hugs that I was too afraid to receive. The hugs of sympathy and pity. My mother starts crying immediately when she sees the baby in my arms. The baby starts crying too as the noises stir her sleep.
I didn't know Joy was going to be here, too. I was afraid of that. I don't want anyone to make me feel bad about myself more than I do. After finishing her sequence of cursing Tegan, she finally relaxes and gives me a hand with the constantly crying infant.
"She's so beautiful," she says as she looks at the small toddler lying on the mattress. Joy on my right and mother on my left as we face Sally. "I think she's gonna look like you."
"Joy," mother scolds.
"What? I've seen Sara's baby pictures."
I sigh, ignoring both of them as I attempt to feed my baby. When I came, mother told me to give her another shower. She showed me how to wash her hair properly and how to burp her. Mum cut her nails as I started dressing her.
"She's not liking it," Jessica says. "At all."
"I know." I rub my sleepy eyes and proceed, praying Sally would accept the milk in the bottle.
"This is what happened when I got you. But you were two months old. You were already used to your mother's milk…Oh, I'm sorry."
The word 'mother' now sends a sharp pinch to my nerves, making me flinch whenever somebody says it.
"Pick her up," Jessica orders. "I'll show you a trick I did with you. I'll show you how to bond."
Carefully, I pick the small, whiny baby in my arms, waiting for directions.
"Unbutton your shirt."
"Mum, no."
"Do it. Come on. It's not what you think."
Awkwardly, I begin unbuttoning my blue shirt, revealing my bra-clad chest. I huff, waiting for more directions.
"Put her against your chest. Close to you. Let her feel your skin close to her. Let her feel your heartbeat."
"That's so weird, man," Joy comments but I roll my eyes at her.
Mum is right. When Sally's head touches my chest, she calms down. I feel her soft breaths on my upper chest and start crying right away.
"It's gonna be okay," mother tells me. Her hand brushes my hair while I kiss my baby's head, finally feeling like she's my own baby. "Nobody knows how hard this is more than I do, Sara. I've been there, my dear." I know that. I know it too well. Now I know everything.
"Eww, she's sucking at your chest," Joy points at my baby. "She wants your boob, dude."
"It's okay. Don't reject her." I'm not rejecting her, but at the same time I'm not comfortable with this. I feel bad for her. She wants to feed from her mother like every other baby.
"Damn, she thinks you have milk."
"I know."
"Isn't there, like, some fake boob you can attach that has milk and feed her? I saw that in a movie. Like, I don't know, something to delude her that you're feeding her, but you're not."
"Joy, shut up," mum says. "Shut up or leave the room."
"Jeez, calm down, I'm trying to help." My sister stands up to leave. Finally.
I spend the rest of the night like that with Sally until she falls asleep. I put her down and fall asleep beside her until she wakes up again demanding to be fed. When I give her the bottle, she rejects it again. Whenever I try to place it in her mouth, she shrieks with cries. Mum enters the room to help me but we stay like this for hours trying to make her drink the milk we made.
"This is not good. We have to do something about this. She won't accept it," Jessica says.
"Maybe it's bad. Maybe she doesn't like it?"
"I tried it. It's normal. There's nothing wrong with it."
"Maybe she just wants her real mother," defeated and helpless, I loudly ponder.