Chapter's Content: Motherhood, comments about weight and body.
Sara
Why do I feel this way? It's that feeling I despise vehemently. I want to wrap my hands around it, squeeze it, choke it, squeeze real tight till it stops breathing inside my head. It's making me want to tear apart all the strength I'm slowly building; it's making me want to sob right here in front of her, begging her to take me in her arms, to hold me the way she's holding my infant. I want to put my head against her breasts; I want to hear her heartbeat. I want that place. I want to feel home again. I want that beauty that comes along.
The feeling is scratching my insides, soon they'll bleed. I'm afraid I won't be able to stop it if I continue staring at her relaxed visage; the way a strand of her hair is moving lightly against her cheek, the rest of the hair is gathered in an elastic band, giving her a nice, loose ponytail; her face is too pale-looking due to her fatigue, yet too charming not to study over and over again; her eyes are gazing down at the child feeding in her arms; her lips are slightly parted in wonder, I can see a shadow of a smile as I focus on her breaths leaving her mouth; her skin seems soft enough to increase the monstrous feeling rising inside my chest; her black tank top is half way down from the left side in order for her to feed my daughter; one of her hands is on the pillow Sally's resting on to support her head, while the other is holding her breast to ease the milk out of her nipple; her legs are crossed on her mattress, clad in grey sweats (the problem is that they are mine); her socks are mine too, I got them for her on Christmas two years ago, they're navy blue and they have small reindeer drawings on them; there's a heating pad resting between her lower abdomen and her crotch, right below the pillow she's using to breastfeed; she looks natural, innocent, tired, and beautiful.
And the feeling is slowly embodying me.
"I pumped milk for her but I think she's gonna be too full to try it." She directs her gaze at me, getting my mind out of its destructive thoughts. "Did she not have any more milk after yesterday?" I shake my head, too focused on her exhausted eyes to say anything. "That's not good," she says, mostly to herself.
"She hates the milk," I finally speak.
"I honestly didn't think I was gonna be able to feed her today. After you left my cramps came back and I couldn't sleep all night. Mum almost took me back to the hospital."
"Oh."
She looks at me again, staring at my lips then at my clothed body. I'm wearing a large black parka over my white shirt and blue jeans, but it seems that she doesn't like what I'm wearing.
"I feel better now," she says. "Not good, but it's better. You're lucky you didn't go through this pain."
"Yeah." Why is she trying to talk to me? Does she not know how it only infuses the feeling of surrender? Does she want me to sit on my knees and beg her to give us a chance?
"I would have been fine if I didn't fuck it up by going for a run."
"You couldn't even run when you had a normal period, what made you think you could while you've just given birth?" She shrugs. "The stitches and all?"
"Oh, I thought mum told you, I got new stitches. I don't even know how they opened." She chuckles.
"An infection and stitches!" She nods, smiling all of a sudden at the baby. I look at Sally's face. She has pulled away from Tegan's breast, now staring at her in complete and utter wonder. "This must be hell, how are you surviving?"
She picks up Sally and places her face against her shoulder. She starts to pat her back gently in order to burp her. She is the mother and everything comes naturally to her. I don't have to tell her what to do in order for her to do it. She knows what she's doing. "I'm not surviving," she whispers. "I'm so not."
I look down at my hands, trying to resist the growing feeling of giving up. I take deep breaths and count the numbers in my head. I hear her voice hushing Sally as she starts to whimper and whine.
"Hey, hey," she whispers in a soft tone. "You want more?" She's rocking Sally now, staring at her face. "More milk? You don't get full, do you?"
"She doesn't stop shitting, too." Tegan laughs. I didn't think she'd ever laugh or talk or look normal around me. Why can't she hold me and forgive me? Why can't she forgive the fact we are sisters?
"Can you get me the bottles from the fridge? Mum put them in there so they wouldn't go bad." I get up, limping a little bit as I try to support myself. Her eyes narrow at my struggle then she figures it out on her own. "Why aren't you taking your medicine?"
I clear my throat, getting to the door with difficulty. I, too, am in pain. I haven't been able to sleep. I haven't been able to move freely. "I forgot my pills in Vancouver." I rushed here when Sonia called, I didn't have time to take many things. I forgot all my drugs, and my back has been acting up ever since. "I don't have the prescription to get new ones here."
"You should take them. You might fall with her in your arms."
She's right. Even though I was hoping she'd worry about me, too, but she's right. I wouldn't want to drop Sally or fall while carrying her.
"I'll get you the milk."
"Can you even go up and down?"
"I can." I answer quickly.
I find Sonia cooking in the kitchen, the same way I found her when I came in half an hour ago. "Sara, is everything alright?"
"Yeah, I need the bottles Tegan prepared."
"Sure." She walks up to the fridge. She gives me two of the five in there. "Think this should be enough for now. Let her try it."
"Yeah," I answer awkwardly. "Can I have some painkillers?"
"For Tegan?"
"No, for me." She looks at me blankly for a second. I stand there facing her, not knowing what to say.
"Sorry, yes." She shakes her head at herself. "I'll get you some ibuprofen. Will that work?"
"Yeah, it's for my back." She nods, walking out of the kitchen then coming back a minute later with what I need. She hands me a glass of water, smiling at me while I swallow the pill. "Thank you."
"Why don't you stay for dinner?"
"No," I answer as sharply as I answered Tegan back there.
I walk out before she can talk to me once again, guilt tripping me into staying over, which won't be much appreciated by Tegan. And I know how easily I can be persuaded into staying, just to spend more time with her, just to feel her calm presence.
Inside her room, Tegan has taken the chance of my absence to baby talk and play with Sally. I almost interrupt her actions before noticing her soft giggles while picking up my child.
"Well, aren't you so cute?" I stare in admiration at her happy face, red with joy and liveliness. "You're such a little drooling mess." She giggles again. She kisses Sally's forehead a number of times. "You're so adorable." She kisses her cheeks. "If I can just squeeze you. You're so cute." I didn't notice I'm crying until her eyes meet mine standing here in front of her like a creep. Her lips move to the side as she bites the lower one. She sighs while looking at me approaching her mattress once again. Sally begins to cry in her arms.
She ignores my tears, taking one bottle from me. "It's cold."
"Yeah." I wipe them pitifully and pathetically.
"Are you serious?" She huffs. "You want to give your daughter cold milk? So she can get sick? You should have warmed it up."
"I…I didn't know I was supposed to do that." I feel like I should cry again, but thankfully I don't. The way she said 'your daughter' wounded my chest, and I know she meant to do just that.
"And mum didn't say anything?" I shake my head. "God, how do people raise their children?" Sally's crying loudly and I just want to take her in my arms but I'm too scared of Tegan's angry reaction to say anything. "Let it just warm a bit." She puts it close to her heating pad, but I'm not sure that's a good idea because the bottle might melt.
"Is breast milk warm?"
She looks at me in a sudden surprise, as if I said something silly.
"It's normal. It comes out ready for the baby to feed on. It's neither hot nor cold."
Sally's shrieking cries are making my chest ache. I want to calm her down the way I do each night. I want her close to me. Tegan notices me staring at her in panic. She slowly hands her to me. Once I take her, I pull her close to my chest and rock her back and forth, gently brushing her soft hair.
Once she calms down in my arms, Tegan hands me the bottle. I get a pillow and put her down close to my chest the way Tegan did before. I direct the bottle between her lips but she refuses, crying once again.
"I deal with this every day." I try again, smiling down at her. She doesn't even try to suckle; she just refuses the tool itself.
"It's okay. Just try."
She pushes her head against my chest, hitting my breast. I jump a little bit but I don't make any sound. I'm used to this impulse by now. I try to ignore it as much as I can. I put my finger close to her lip but she starts sucking on it while whimpering. I open her lips slowly and put the nipple of the bottle inside. She starts sucking, which makes both Tegan and I gasp in joined excitement.
"She never let it stay more than a second in her mouth. I think she likes it."
Tegan is smiling while staring at me and Sally. I smile back at her, but when I do her smile fades.
"She just hates the formula," Tegan says. "I guess I'll have to pump for her. Take the bottles in the fridge now and maybe I'll send some tomorrow. I just hope the milk would come back as strong as before because I think not feeding for four days made it kinda get lighter."
I nod, not really paying much attention to what she's saying. There's a beautiful picture of my baby in my arms, enjoying her milk while I feed her. This is what happiness is like. I never thought I could feel its distant shimmer anymore but now I can see it glowing upon me as I live in my own bubble, happy to be in this moment with this innocent child in my arms, knowing nothing can make me happier at the moment than this scene.
I get home after a bit. I hand my daughter to my mother and put the diaper bag down. "She's fed and she needs changing but I'm too tired. Can you take care of her while I take a little nap, please?"
"Yes, sure," Jessica says. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm just sleep-deprived and my back hurts." The look of worry and panic slowly covers her face. Sally is crying in her arms. "Mum, I'm fine. I just need to rest."
"Yeah, it's fine, honey. I'll take care of her, don't worry about it. You go rest. I'll make sure Joy doesn't bother you." My mum gives crying Sally a little kiss and that's the last thing I say before I leave to my room.
I take off my jacket, pants, and shirt. I reach for my bra and unhook it. I find my white night shirt lying on the mattress the way I left it. I put it on then walk out to the bathroom. I pee then wash my face. I throw my underwear in the hamper then walk back to my room, nothing covering me but a big white shirt with a smiley face painted on it. I get under the covers with the intention to sleep, but instead I find my hands caressing my soft skin, missing the feeling of my body groped and touched, loved, caressed and needed. I haven't enjoyed that feeling since I slept with Tegan three months ago. I haven't even entertained the idea of touching myself in my head. Neither the time nor the consequences were appropriate for such an act. But today a fire has been lit inside me. Seeing Tegan made me crave her. She looked so peaceful, natural, and beautiful. I've read that women have that after-birth glow after a week from birth, and I'm pretty sure it was that.
I cover my entire body with the blanket then I raise my shirt, hoping no one would come in. I touch my body upside down, moving from my breasts to my mound. I cup it lightly to feel the wetness on my palms. I reach out for my phone, touching it with my left hand while circling my clit using the other. It's embarrassing that a woman my age is trying her best to find proper pornography to masturbate. I don't even recall the last time I searched for porn. I never needed it with Tegan. And at this moment, I wish I have saved our sex tapes on my phone. I wish I have someone here to help me get myself off. Anyone. I don't care.
Once I find something tolerable to watch, I begin my venture to bring my orgasm. I make sure the volume is low first before someone starts screaming. I start to compare and remember as I watch the two women having sex. This video is certainly way better than the one Emy, Tegan, and I watched for our threesome. Yup, that was the last time I actually saw porn. However, there are still so many fake information and ideas in it. Scissoring, as hot as it looks, never works. I tried it with Tegan, it was not the best position. We never tried it again. Other than that, the nails are long enough to make me cringe, feeling the pain in my walls without even going inside. The toys remind me of our own toys. I wonder if Tegan threw them away.
After a couple of minutes another addition joins the two women. I'm quickly horrified by the scene of a nude male making his entrance. I'm too close to get my mind and libido ruined, or to search for something else. I close my eyes and start to imagine wild scenes in my head. I start to imagine Tegan and me. I start to imagine Emy. I start to imagine us three together again. I forget myself, I forget the situation I'm in, I forget everything and only concentrate on the approaching orgasm.
Once I come, I instantly close my eyes, ready to fall asleep.
Joy shakes me gently to wake me up. I groan first, but then I hear the soft whimpers of my baby so I force myself to open my eyes.
"She's giving mum a hard time. I'm sorry I woke you up, but I think she needs you."
I sit up quickly, ready to take her in but then I remember where my hands have been and stop. "Just let me pee first. I can't hold it in."
I hear Joy's giggles as I walk out of the room and head towards the bathroom. When I leave, I find my mum in the hallway, walking towards her room.
"Hey, did you sleep well? I tried to get her to sleep, but she wouldn't."
"Yeah. I feel well rested. What time is it?"
"Seven," mum says, looking at my face, inspecting with her big blue eyes. "You feel better?" I nod, ready to walk to my room. "Something happened there?"
"No. My back kinda acted up. I just needed some rest."
"Sara," she says, a bit hesitant to continue. I furrow my brows, hinting for her to speak. "Eventually I'll have to get back to Toronto. Your sister goes back to school after spring break, and, you know, she has finals, college preparations. She wants to apply to other schools, too." I nod, knowing what her point is. "You're welcome to come back with us, Sara. In fact, I wish you'd come back with me."
"No."
"Well, Emy called. She said she found a couple of apartments for you."
"Yeah, I told her to look for me so when I get back I won't have to stay with her and Amber for too long."
My mother looks at me for a few seconds; apprehension and worry are the prominent features on her face. Her thin lips are pursed together and her eyes are narrowed at me. She sighs then says, "I'll give you the money until you find a job."
"Thank you. I'll give it back to you, I promise."
"The only promise you'll have to make is to find a proper job that would support you and this poor child. Prove to me that you can do this, Sara. Prove it to the world. Prove it to yourself." She walks away, not letting me say anything back to her.
I walk back to the room with a frown on my face. Joy hands me Sally as soon as I sit down and I take her in my arms, rocking her gently.
"You don't have to prove anything to her or to the world, Sara. The world fucked you up; you don't have to prove anything. You're not a failure. You're a survivor." Her words bring the tears to my eyes, making me sniffle while staring at my bewildered daughter.
Joy gets up to close the door. She sits closer to me, handing me my phone. "I thought I'd play some music for her to calm down, but I saw…"
"Oh my God," I shout, remembering how I left my phone before falling asleep. Sally commences crying at the sudden burst. "I'm so sorry. Shhh, baby, shhh." I kiss her head a few times, rocking her up and down.
Joy's cackling loudly, her entire body on the mattress and her legs are shaking. "Oh my God," she says through laughter, tears in her eyes. "That was epic."
"Can we not talk about it?" I ask awkwardly, my face is burning and my heart is beating quickly.
"Not talk about what? The fact you threw your baby at us to masturbate or the fact you were masturbating to a really bad threesome?"
"Shut up," I whisper coyly, trying to focus my attention on my infant rather than my sister.
"Oh, come on. It's fine. Everybody masturbates. I bet mum does, too." I look up at her with wide eyes. "Okay, sorry. We don't need that picture in our heads. But seriously, Sara, never thought you'd get off to a guy. You're like the gayest person on earth."
"I didn't know it had a guy. They were only two women, then he came and I threw the phone away…Why am I telling you this, anyway?" She guffaws more, louder and louder. Hand over her chest and one hitting her thighs. "You're scaring Sally. Stop."
"God. I needed a laugh."
I put Sally on the mattress when I make sure her cries have quieted down. I look at her and smile, cooing like a baby would. She's too young to realize what's happening.
"She's so cute," Joy comments. "She really does look like you, though. She has the same mole thingy under lips. Look." Joy points at Sally's chin.
"Yeah, I noticed." Sally sneezes. "Bless you," I whisper. She sneezes again. "Oh, bless you, my little Snowball." I lean down, kissing her cheek.
"She also has the same eyes."
"I'm technically her aunt, so…"
"What did monster say today? Was she annoying as usual?" Joy asks.
"Don't say that." I receive an eye roll from her.
"Fine. Trash, dirt bag, poison. You pick the name."
Bothered, I respond loudly, "Don't say that. Imagine it's her with the sister and that sister is saying shit about me because I slept with her knowing the truth." Joy raises one eyebrow at me with deadpan features. "Wow." I chuckle at the ironic statement I have just made. "I said imagine she's the one with the sister and I'm her frikin' sister."
"She's still trash for beating the hell out of you. For treating this entire problem as your fault. I'm not gonna call her something else."
The next day Sonia visits in the early morning. Mum wakes me up to meet her downstairs. I put on casual clothes and head down, watching her play with and giggle at my infant in her baby cradle.
"She's so adorable. She's a little Snowball." I almost tell her not use this nickname, because I'm using it. Then I remember it was her who used it for me when I was a neglected baby just like Sally right now. "You have no idea how much she looks like you. No freaking idea. She doesn't even look like Tegan when she was a newborn. She looks exactly like you."
"Sonia, would you like a cup of coffee?" my mother interrupts with a sharp octave, piercing through my ears, making Sonia pause her chatter.
"A cup of coffee sounds nice." Then I realize this is their first encounter. My mother and Sonia have never met before.
"What do you want, Sonia?" I ask, sitting on the couch right next to the cradle. I don't even remember when did Sally wake up, but it seems that she woke up and mum took her out of my room.
"I came to drop off the bottles Tegan pumped for her. I have a good amount of milk. I hope it's sufficient for today."
I nod, realizing the scheme. Tegan does not want me or Sally near her. It's time for me to go back.
"Thank you," I take the bag from her hands. "I'm going back this week."
She doesn't say anything at first. My mum hands her the coffee and joins us in the living room, staring at her then at me.
"I guess that's the plan."
I look at my mother. I see her faint, rude smirk. Yup, they want me to leave.
"I might face a problem with feeding her."
She doesn't answer again, making my mother speak instead, "Look, we're not too happy with staying here. Don't think Sara's excited she's surrounded by this mess. We're worried about the child. She doesn't like the formula. We're worried she might get sick not consuming milk. It's too early for her to digest baby food."
Sonia is slowly getting defeated. It does not feel good but it feels like I finally have someone on my side.
"I understand that. It's not my decision. Sara knows that." She takes a look at Sally then continues, "Sara didn't like the formula, too. She couldn't resist it."
"Yes, I know. I suffered with that. I suffered for days. But Sara was two months old. I could give her baby food. This poor infant is merely a week old."
"There's nothing I can do." Sonia's voice is loud and intense. "I talked to her just this morning. She doesn't listen."
"And that's why I should go. I can't stand more humiliation."
Sonia starts to cry.
My mother's anger rises, reaching the extreme. There are rare moments I've seen her in such fury. "You're done, Sonia?"
"I just want…"
Mum cuts her off, "because if you're done, you can leave."
"I just need from Sara to listen to me."
"What do you have to say?" I speak quickly, not making my mother add another answer.
"I'm begging you to accept my financial help. It's the only support I can give."
"No," I say, in the same manner I refused it a week ago.
"It's for the baby. I'm her grandmother. It's for her. At least get her the essentials. She needs many things. She needs a baby chair, bottles, diapers, bathtub essentials, creams, a crib…"
"We have everything," my mother says. "We took care of everything."
"I'm her grandmother," Sonia whispers.
"Sonia, I can't take anything from you. The baby is fine. She doesn't need anything. She has everything."
My mum smiles at me and I smile back at Sonia. The guest nods in defeat. She stands up to leave.
I book a flight as soon as she leaves. I am not going to wait here another second. Tegan is taking my daughter's right away to be fed; I will take her right away to see this baby. I hope it stings.
"Sara, this is rash from you," mum says while I'm packing in the bedroom. "Just stay a couple of days."
"Mum, no," I exclaim. "I'm not staying another minute here."
"This baby doesn't deserve this," Joy says. I look at my Sally in her arms, whining softly and drooling.
"I'll try to be a mother and a father and a sister and a brother to her."
"Did you tell Emy to pick you from the airport?" Mum asks.
"No. I don't want her to do that. She's been having a rough morning and it will be late when I get there." I take Sally from Joy's arms and put her against my chest to burp her. "Give me the towel, please." Joy hands me the dark blue towel that was on her shoulder and I place it on mine to save my shirt from the drooling and puke stains.
"You guys fed her?" Jessica inquires, helping me pack Sally's clothes in the suitcase. It's going to be so hard carrying a baby and a suitcase in the airport and having to deal with my achy back.
"I told Sara to taste the other milk and see what the difference from the formula is and we did that. Turns out the boob milk is actually pretty sweet, so we kind of did a trick and tried it on Sally. She accepted the milk."
"Really?" Mum says enthusiastically. "What did you do?"
"We put some sugar," I admit, patting Sally's back gently.
"No, that's not good."
"Why?" Joy asks.
"I think it will mess with her stomach. You're not supposed to. You have to ask a doctor, though. I'm not sure."
"I'll do when I return. I just hope she doesn't give me a hard time in the plane."
Thankfully, I am saved by Tegan's milk in the plane, which makes my baby fall asleep and only wake up when I'm in the airport waiting for my suitcase. Somehow when people see a woman with a baby alone, they all tend to become nicer. Everyone smiles at me or at the wandering eyes of my infant. A man helps me get my suitcase. Another helps me find a cab, stating that Sally's the most beautiful newborn he has ever seen. I kiss Sally's head when I get into the cab, telling the driver the directions to Emy's home.
I text Emy that I am on my way to their house, hoping they haven't slept yet. I hate surprising them in such an hour, especially that I have company with me, but I can't depend on anyone's help but theirs.
Amber opens the door, squealing loudly. "Look at that. Emy, come here. We have a guest."
Emy rushes in with her hair down and her eyes swollen and sleepy. "Oh my God. She's real."
Their excitement makes Sally cry, immediately pushing her face in my chest, hiding her entire head in the turquoise wrap I'm wearing to carry her around.
"I think we scared her," Amber says.
"Get inside. Let's sit. Come on."
They ask me to fill them in, so I tell them about everything that happened since I went there till this morning. They're both upset that Tegan is doing that. Emy is speechless, holding Sally in her arms and looking at her, not knowing what to say.
"I'm just thankful I have you, guys," I say. "I will look at the apartments you found tomorrow. I won't stay too long here."
"You can stay as long as you want," Amber offers. She places her hand on my knees, squeezing lightly as she smiles at me.
"Okay…umm." Awkwardly, Emy give me Sally. Her face is red. "She's pushing her face against my breasts." I take crying Sally, placing her against my chest. She starts doing the same thing. "Is it because my boobs are huge?" she asks her wife in a horrified voice "Oh my God, I'm so fat even the baby knows."
Amber gets up to sit next to her, laughing and hugging my best friend. How lucky do they seem to strangers' eyes! "She's doing it to me, too," I say. "Look!"
"Yeah, she's just a baby and she wants to be fed," Amber adds. "You're not fat."
They help me set my things in the guest bedroom, which Amber has tidied well since I left it a week ago. Sally has been crying since I came here, even though I fed her and changed her diaper.
"I feel so bad," Emy says, lying in bed beside me. Her hand is rubbing her stomach gently. "Why isn't she calming down?"
"I don't know," I whisper.
"Maybe she's scared," Amber suggests, lying on my left side. "Remember that book, Em? It says that the change of a scenery and climate might frighten babies."
"Yes, but like can she be aware of it?" Emy says back.
"I guess I'll have to try this, but don't get too awkward about it, okay?"
I unzip my black hoodie, revealing my almost naked chest to my friends. They both furrow their brows at me, laughing embarrassingly. I place my baby against my chest, where her cheek hits my breasts. I zip my hoodie, watching her cries slowly come to an end.
"Fuck, how did you do that?" Emy shouts resonantly.
"It's magic, isn't it?" I whisper, kissing Sally's head. "She hears my heartbeat and calms down."
"Wow," Amber says. "It's like she knows you're her mum." I nod proudly, feeling Sally's wet mouth drooling all over my chest. It doesn't matter, though. As long as she feels safe and sound, she can do whatever she wants.
I barely sleep till I'm awake again by Sally's outrageous cries. This is going to be ruthless and I can already see it. I don't know how I'll find a job, work, and raise this child on my own. I try my best to hush her weeping voice; I rock her back and forth. I sing to her, I put her against my chest, I feed her—I do everything I can, but nothing works. I start to cry with her. I don't know what she wants. I wish I have a baby interpreter or something.
Her cries tire her, pulling her back to sleep. I take the chance to go back too, but it only lasts half an hour till she's awake again. Amber comes in with breakfast and coffee, smiling weakly at me. "You had a rough night," she says.
"She woke you up, didn't she?" I have to leave as soon as possible.
Amber laughs, as if what I said is funny. She shakes her head, taking Sally from my hand and giving me the coffee instead. "You think we fall asleep with Emy's moans and groans all night long?" She makes weird faces at my bewildered baby. I'm surprised Sally isn't scared of her. "She doesn't sleep. She doesn't rest. The baby is literally destroying her health."
"Is she awake now?"
"No, she cried herself to sleep. But she'll probably wake up soon when Pearl starts kicking," Amber whispers, kissing Sally's nose. "I swear to God, Sara, she's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. Babies usually look like aliens when they're newly born, but yours is just adorable."
"You should have seen her when she came out of the vagina, though." I chuckle. "I was too scared to hold her. She was all bloody and disgusting. She really looked like an alien. They change quickly. She looks different every day."
Amber leaves for work after our small chat. Emy wakes up an hour after. She comes to my room right away, giving me a tight hug and a long sigh. "Morning," she says groggily. "What are you doing?"
"Morning, Em." I put the book in my hand down, taking a look at my friend. "I'm trying to find ways for Sally to get quiet in her bath time. She makes a huge scene and cries as if someone is taking away her life whenever we give her a bath."
Emy yawns, reaching for my leftover cup of coffee and taking a sip. "I shouldn't be doing this, but, God, I can't wake up."
"It's cold. At least make a new one."
"No. I'm not supposed to drink coffee." She eats a leftover sausage, humming at the taste. I can't help not to giggle. "Don't laugh, bitch."
"Hey, don't curse." I point at the baby lying next to me. "By the way, the airport called and said they'll send her crib and baby chair today. Can Amber pick them up, please?"
"Sure," Emy says, chewing with delight. "Fuck, my wife knows how to cook."
"Don't curse, Emy."
"She's a baby. She can't even comprehend anything."
"No. See, babies know. I studied that. Plus, it becomes a habit if we keep on repeating it. If I curse now, I'll stay cursing until she starts comprehending what I'm saying one day and she'll repeat it."
She sighs, nodding. "Did she call?"
"Who?" I put the pacifier inside Sally's mouth before I'm met with more cries.
"You know who."
"No," I mumble. Why would she call anyway? She wanted to get rid of me. I don't even think she cares enough to realize I'm gone. Only my mother called to check that I am safe.
"She's an A-hole," Emy says. "That's not a curse," she cuts me off before I even start. "A could mean art, okay? Like arthole…like a hole full of art."
"God, I love you," I say with laughter.
She puts her head down, nodding with pursed lips. Oh, no.
"Anyway," she jumps up, swallowing her dark thoughts and deep reflections, "I can't work until I give birth. So we'll have a good time together."
"You're not okay?"
"Nope," she says. "Pearl seems okay but…" Her eyes tear up.
"Em, seriously?"
"There's a big chance I might have a premature baby. My body isn't dealing well with the pregnancy."
"Nothing's too serious, though." She shakes her head. "Thank God." I pick Sally up. "I found this way of giving her a bath that would require me getting in the bathtub with her. Mum got her this floating mat thingy? It's for bath time. So I can use it."
"That's nice. It sounds like a nice bonding time."
"Yeah, well we bond a lot, don't we Snowball?" I direct my last words at her, but I get no reaction from her blank face. "I can't wait till she starts understanding and smiling."
"A baby starts to smile at about six weeks. Just wait for her."
"Yeah." I smile at Emy's relaxed posture. "Do you happen to own a swimsuit that can fit me?"
"Ugh. Just say a swimsuit my size because I'm fat." She pushes her head back dramatically, resting on her elbows.
"You're pregnant, I'm fat. How do you like that?" She sighs, not giving me an answer. "Which is a nice cover for when I lie to people telling them I'm her biological mother."
"Here's a tip, Sara," Emy says, "since you just said that words become a habit, how about you forget who is the biological mother right now and never again refer to yourself anything other than Sally's real mother because one day the kid will start to understand and you'll still be talking about how you're not her mother and that's the last thing you want."
Emy has never been more right than she is right now. She shuts me up completely; I can't even defend my words.
Emy comes into the bathroom in the afternoon as I am preparing Sally's bath essentials. "Okay," she says, holding a cheetah print bikini in her hands. "The last time I went swimming I was newly pregnant, so that's all I have. And, umm, I know a bikini isn't your thing but I don't have anything else."
"It's okay. You're not a stranger," I mumble, inspecting the swimsuit's size. "I stopped swimming a long time ago so I don't have any swimsuits. I can do that in my underwear but I thought I'd ask you first." She picks up Sally and turns around as I begin undressing myself.
"Do it naked," Emy suggests. I can feel her smirk without seeing it.
"You should never get naked in front of kids, by the way." She groans. "Babies notice. Maybe not her age because now they are part of the mother. Until three months they are part of the mum, after that, they start to notice the differences and they'll grow all of these complexes, you know."
"Oh, my God, Sara. Stop with your Freudian theories. Those are proved to be wrong."
"Well, I believe them." The swimsuit is tight. Very tight. I struggle getting the top tied from behind. "Emy, help me out here." She turns around, bursting in loud, sonorous laughter. "Is it that bad?"
"My God, Sare, just take it off." Is my body that bad? Tegan never made me feel bad about it, but maybe it is. Nobody will ever look at it and think I'm beautiful. "Oh, no. No, Sar, that's not what I meant. I swear."
"Whatever." I hold the top, waiting for her to tie it from behind. "I have an ugly body."
"I was just laughing at how small the top is. Your breasts are about to burst out of it."
"Really? You think it's just the breast? Look at my body." She looks down, scanning me with her big blue eyes.
"Shit," she mutters, blushing. "I have a wife; I shouldn't be checking you out."
I take the baby from her. I hate when things start getting awkward between us. I remain silent so I wouldn't embarrass her more. Sally's already whining and crying. I take off her clothes and wrap her in a towel. Emy stands by my side.
"Nice, I'm learning." I smile at her, taking one of the five pieces of cotton I prepared to dip it in water.
"You just have to wash her head first. Since everything is tender, you have to do it with cotton. She hates that, too. Look! She's gonna start screaming." I wipe her eyebrows gently, smiling down at her. She closes her eyes, her face becomes red and she starts crying.
"Man, she's so cute." I take another one and start wiping her head. Emy's staring at my moves in puzzlement and astonishment, her hand on her belly.
"You have to clean behind her ears and her neck. Clean her face well. Because, you know, only her body will be in the water."
Sally's cries have become louder. She hates bath time and I'm hoping me with her in the bathtub will calm her down.
"Wow." Emy puts both hands on her protruding belly, rubbing up and down. "I wonder if my baby will be healthy enough for, you know, these things. What if she won't?"
"Stop saying that." I put Sally on the changing table. She calms down a bit, distracted by her own moving hand. "She's kicking like it's the baby Olympics down there." She laughs then wrinkles her face when I rid Sally off her nasty diaper. "That's a big mess, little girl."
"Wow, what do you feed her? That's…I can't. I'm gonna throw up." She turns her face around.
"Auntie Emy is disgusted?" I baby talk my clueless baby, but it makes her eyes widen at me. "You're proud, little Snowball? Proud of this mess?" I kiss her tiny nose while wiping her mess and cleaning her. She makes a cute sound that my heart flutters hearing. I kiss her nose again just to enjoy her cheerful sounds.
"It's like my baby knew we were talking about her." Emy sits down on the closed toilet seat, clutching her stomach gently. "The way she kicks isn't normal."
"Did the doctor say that?" I carry Sally, walking towards the bathtub. "Can you carry her till I get in there?"
Emy takes Sally while I check the water. It's good enough for me and her to get in there. "No. The doctor said that it's going to be something related to her brain or her growth."
"I really hope it's nothing too serious." I sit down in the warm water, moaning at how good it makes my back feel. I put the blue floating mat in front of me then take Sally and put her on it. At first she starts crying, but then she relaxes when she feels me around her, holding her gently, kissing her head. "Here I am, baby. I'm here."
"I just want a normal baby." She frowns.
"How are you and Amber? You seem like a perfect couple." I start to wash Sally with water carefully. I make her face me so she wouldn't be scared. She's not liking floating on water much, but usually her cries are louder when I bathe her the traditional way.
"We're fine." Emy chuckles. "We're really trying."
"But?" I ask, taking a look at Emy's peaceful features.
"You know what it is."
"Oh." I look back at Sally awkwardly.
"And she knows, too."
"She feels safe with you here around me when I'm half naked?"
Emy shakes her head. "She can't do anything about it. Plus, she knows you don't love me."
"I love you, Emy," I say. "Of course I love you. I always loved you. I never stopped but…"
"But you love Tegan more. You are in love with her. There's no one you love more than her. I get it," she cuts me off, rambling about this complicated friendship and relationship we're in.
"Yeah." I take Sally and put her in my arm. She snuggles against my chest, pushing her face on my breasts. "No. You just had food. She's always hungry."
Emy's staring at my breasts, which is uncomfortable. "Why can't any woman just breastfeed when she wants to? That's not fair. Like, you're a mum, you should feed her. Same with Amber." I sigh, not knowing what to respond to that. "Oh my God, let me get the camera. You have to take pictures. You have to have pictures with her when she's this young."
"Auntie Emy is so excited to take a picture of us not wearing clothes, huh?" I talk to Sally, kissing her small hand. "You don't want to get your picture taken naked? Yeah, I will tell her. I won't show it to your boyfriend, I promise. Oh, what? You might have a girlfriend? That's fine by me. I don't care what you have. I won't show them the picture." I giggle at myself when Emy raises her eyebrows at me with the camera in her arms.
"Ready?"
"Yeah, but don't make my boobs look so big. I don't want her to grow up and see this and get weirded out by this."
"Will you just shut up? They're normal, idiot. You're just tiny so they look bigger." Emy snaps a picture after the other. "And they're hot. You have no idea what they're doing to my hormonal self right now."
I have to be honest with myself. If Emy wasn't with anyone right now, I'll probably flirt my way into sleeping with her, then I'll regret it. But I know that's what I want at the moment. I want to feel alive. I'm not sure what this dark side of me is. I don't like it because it's showing me that I can be as manipulative and fucked up as Tegan. I can also get over her easily or pretend to. Maybe Sally being around is helping me recover, but what if it is just a self-destructive method that I am adopting? Maybe I want to hurt her back and hurt me, too. I don't even know what I'm doing but I have to control my thoughts before they become reality and I end up hurting my daughter instead.
"Uh oh," I mumble, biting my lower lip.
"What?" Emy asks, still taking pictures.
"She peed on me."
"And that's a moment to save." She snaps another picture.