Tegan
May, 2013
I park my mother's car in the garage and join her on the swing outside. I sigh loudly as soon as I sit down, closing my eyes to block the ray of the sun from my sight. When I open them, I find her looking straight at me with deadpan features. Her hands are busy with the scarf she's been knitting for me.
"How did it go?" she asks.
I nod, sighing again. "I'm all fine."
"Yeah?"
She knows how much I hate talking about my trips to the gyno, yet she asks, requiring full details.
"She examined me, mum," I snap at her. "Like, you know how these things go, why do you ask?"
She sighs, shaking her head.
"Don't take your anger out on me," she whispers in defeat, almost like the way Sara used to do. She seems scared of my reaction; I even can see her shifting farther away from me.
"I'm sorry," I apologize, taking a deep breath. The last thing I want is to hurt her feelings. I've caused enough damage. "I just feel awkward talking about it."
"Seriously? After all I've seen the past months?" I chuckle, she joins me. "Come on, I changed your pads for you while you couldn't move."
I groan, covering my face. "Don't remind me."
"That's what mothers are for. Support system, yeah?"
"Yeah." I take another deep breath, enjoying the calm breeze surrounding me. I wrap my arms around my body and look at her again. "She said I can exercise and take my medicine again since I'm not planning to breastfeed anymore. Though the stuff she gave me to stop the milk might make my medicine not work."
"No, it won't."
"That's what's bugging me. I wanna get rid of the feeling I've been putting up with for awhile…I wanna feel normal."
"Oh, honey." She takes my hand and gives it a little squeeze. "A lot of my patients deal with that. Patience and therapy help."
"I also wanna get my piercing back again because, you know, I let out so much milk because of the…holes, and…" I laugh, feeling embarrassed about it. "You know, it's annoying." She nods, smiling. "But obviously that drug is gonna fucking make my breasts sore."
"So much," she sighs. "Especially that you just gave birth basically a month and a half ago. It made me wake up screaming from pain at night when I…after…after Sara."
I shut my eyes tightly when she says her name. God, how it hurts every time she speak of her memories. It's as if I've been lying under a rock all that time and now I got out from under, I keep getting slapped on my face with reality.
"I'm sorry," she whispers.
"Do you talk to her?"
"I try but she doesn't allow me."
"Me, too."
"You do?"
"I tried more than once but she doesn't pick up. I texted her, she didn't respond. I called Emy. She told me she's fine."
"When was that?"
"Three weeks ago."
"You haven't reached out since then?" I shake my head. I feel guilty that I haven't tried but it was my fault anyway. I pushed her away. I required this departure, I can't complain. I just wanna know if the baby's fine.
"I…I went to the bank today. I wanted to check on our joint account."
"Yeah?" she says, suddenly alarmed.
"She hasn't taken a penny, mum. It's the same as we left it months ago. How is she spending? Last time I checked, she still hasn't found a job."
"Her mother is helping her."
I huff, getting up. "This account was our savings for the baby, do you know that? And now she thinks it's only mine."
"It's your money, of course she thinks so."
"It's not only my money," I exclaim. "She used to work at that club and save. She saved better than me. She put her own money, too."
"Tell her that," mother says loudly. "She has to know that."
"Yeah, I'll try to get her to talk to me about it."
"What about you?" she asks before I could walk inside. "What are you gonna do now?"
"Go to the gym," I say quickly.
"You know what I mean." She raises an eyebrow at me, giving me that look of confrontation.
"I'm not going back to New York. I just can't."
She sighs, shaking her head.
"I talked to dad about it. I'm going to work in this branch for now until I can be in charge of my emotions and life again." I start to walk away but turn around before I get to the door. "Oh, and I'm already looking for an apartment, so don't worry about it."
I go upstairs to prepare the bathtub. I guess it's finally time to inspect and examine myself. Honestly, I am nervous about it but at the same time I don't care much. I don't care much about a lot of things. I'm growing indifferent to almost everything. It's the only way I can carry living like this. I have to pretend not to care until I lose my feelings and emotions completely. I haven't been in this state since before college. I haven't been single since then. Even when Sara and I had our issues, we still lived together, but now waking up without her by my side, without knowing how she is, without looking into her eyes, now I'm losing the meaning of living.
I shake my thoughts away and get in the tub. My body relaxes in the warm water. I let my hand touch and feel around my breasts. I hiss when I squeeze the tender flesh. I move my hand down my belly; I hope I lose the weight quickly. I move it down till I reach my slit. I take a deep breath and inspect. I rub my clit for a bit and then feel around my lips. I take a deep breath and sit up so I'm not soaked up in the water. I sit on the ledge of the tub and spread my legs.
Taking deep breathes; I drag my index and middle finger up and down my slit, giving my clit a little rub each now and then until I begin to feel aroused. I start to feel myself getting wet. I'm scared to push inside, but I have to see and examine in order to know if there is something different or abnormal.
I take a bit longer playing with my clit but when I feel myself sufficiently aroused, I push my middle finger inside; slowly, very slowly. Nothing is out of the ordinary, except that I am a lot wider than before. I take out my finger and push two inside quickly. I knew my size would change, but somehow I feel disappointed. It's not that huge of a difference, but if Sara or Emy tried to push inside, they'd sense it, too.
I wipe my tears as my memories hit me. I miss her. I miss her so much and I can't even show it. I shouldn't even show it.
When I'm done, I take a quick shower then head towards the bedroom after putting my clothes on. I pick up my phone and dial up Emy, tears still in my eyes.
"Hey," she says calmly. I can only sniffle in response. "Tegan? You're okay?"
"I miss her."
She sighs.
"I know what you're gonna say. I don't deserve to express these feelings since I pushed her away but I miss her and I miss Sally."
"Then maybe you should give them a call? I think she'll appreciate it."
"She doesn't pick up." I blow my nose with a napkin and lie down on my mattress.
"Sally's sick, Tegan."
"What?" I shout, sitting up.
"She's been sick for over a week."
"Why didn't you tell me?" I yell at her.
"I…I couldn't. I've been barely able to get out of bed. My pregnancy is going bad. I'm due in three weeks. I didn't know until she called asking for doctors."
"What is it? What's going on?"
"So, uh, Sara had to undergo a back surgery last month. I mean she moved. She moved to a really small studio apartment two streets away from me but she discovered that she needed an urgent surgery so her mother came here and took care of her and Sally until she recovered. Slowly, Sally's health began to deteriorate. She kept getting the fever and the flue. She becomes better and then goes back to being sick again."
"Why didn't you tell me?" I scream once again, getting up. "This is not good."
"Tegan, you wanted nothing to do with them. Who am I to tell you? It's not my place. Plus, I just knew last week."
"Why doesn't she pick up when I call?"
"When was the last time you called?"
"Three weeks ago," I say quietly.
"Her mother probably told her not to. Call her now. Ask if she needs anything because she was crying over the phone this morning."
I panic and shudder, immediately dialing up her number with fidgeting fingers. Praying to God she picks up, I pace to and fro inside my bedroom.
"Come on, pick up, pick up, please pick up."
I hear a sniffle as soon as she picks up. I stand in my place, not able to move. "Yes?" her cracked voice is shaky and gruff.
"Sara," I say loudly. "I've been trying to reach you until I gave up. I called Emy. She…"
"Tegan, Sally's really sick." She breaks down crying, making my heart break. I start to cry, too. "She's throwing up and has a bad fever and she won't drink milk. I can't do anything. I took her to a couple of doctors. She gets better and then gets sick again. I woke up this morning to her having really bad diarrhea and she's puking none stop."
I wander around the room quickly, searching for my suitcase breathlessly. "Take her to the hospital right now," I yell. "What are you waiting for?"
She cries more, not saying anything.
"I'm coming to you. I have to come. I'll take the next flight. Take her to the hospital right away, Sara."
She cries more. In the background I can hear the sound of the infant crying.
"You don't have money?"
She doesn't say anything.
"For fuck's sake, Sara. Just take her; I'll take care of it."
"They'll tell me to breastfeed her. I can't do that. That's what the doctors told me. It's lack of good nutrition because she refuses the milk from the bottle."
"I'm coming now. Just take her. I'm coming."
I move around quickly with tears in my eyes. I grab a bunch of shirts and pants and throw them inside. I make sure to grab my passport, wallet, toiletry essentials and the breast pump.
I call the airport on my way downstairs to ask for the next flight to Vancouver. It's in two hours. I open the app and book a ticket, dragging my suitcase outside. My mother stands up with horrific eyes and looks at me up and down. I'm in my pajama shorts and a black tank-top with white sneakers. I didn't even have time to change. My eyes are teary and swollen.
"What's going on? Is…is Emy alright?"
"Sally's really ill. Take me to the airport right now."
She tries to calm me down while driving, but I keep checking my phone, texting Sara to get updates about Sally. I call Emy again, convincing her to let Sara use the money in our account.
"I tried," she says. "She won't listen."
"She won't get that this is her money, too."
"Just get here quickly, please."
My mum gives me a hug before saying goodbye. Her tears stain my shoulder. "Tell me what happens, please."
I stay on the phone with Sara the entire time Sally's inside the emergency room. Sara was not allowed in.
"Stop talking about money, I'm losing my kid."
"If you weren't so hard-headed and used the money you have to get her to the doctor, we wouldn't be in this situation."
"If you weren't so fucked up and didn't desert her like that, we wouldn't be in this situation. I wouldn't have been in this situation."
I open my mouth to argue, but then I realize she's right. She only tried to preserve what's left of her pride. What does it matter if we were sisters who fucked if my daughter didn't live? If something happens to her, I'll die.
When my plane arrives, I find Amber waiting for me at the airport. I give her a quick hug and ask her about Sally.
"She's in the ICU," she says quietly, taking my suitcase as the beating of my heart quickens from fear and anxiety. "She's extremely dehydrated."
"She's…conscious, right?" I commence crying once again. She nods.
"But…"
"But what?" I exclaim.
"She's a baby. Her body can't bear that."
"I know, I know." I rub my aching head as we reach the car. "Take me to the hospital, please."
"Yeah. I'll get your suitcase to my house, okay?" I nod, not caring much about where I am going to stay.
When I arrive, I find Sara talking to the nurse outside of the room that Sally's in.
When our eyes meet, she takes a look at me up and down first before staring right into my teary eyes.
"Hey," I greet breathlessly. The nurse takes a look at me, too. Everyone is judging my disheveled attire. "I'm here."
"Your partner?" the nurse asks.
"No, that's my sister," Sara shoots quickly, her nervous eyes shift towards me. "I don't have a partner. I'm a single mother."
The nurse nods, whether it's judgmental or understanding, it doesn't matter. I just wanna know if my baby's fine.
"How is she?" I ask.
"She's in the ICU," Sara whispers.
"She's stable at the moment, but like I said, when she wakes up, we want you to try to breastfeed her to see how her stomach will react." Sara takes a deep breath, nodding. "It's really cruel of you to wean her when she's barely two months old. Most kids can't take it."
"I told you. It was out of my control. I…I had to perform a surgery and the pills I took made the milk almost disappear. I relied on the formula mostly after that."
"What kind of pills? Maybe we can give you something that can get the milk back in. Some hormones or injections."
"You know what," I interrupt, trying to save Sara as much as I can. "Pumping might work, that's what the doctor told you, Sara. Right?"
Sara nods, not knowing where I'm going with this.
"Yeah, so I got her the pump like she asked. It's in my backpack. Can you please give us a room so she can start pumping for her milk to come out better so when Sally's awake she can feed her?"
My glaring eyes make the nurse nod and obey. The only benefit I got from my job is the power of persuasion, the ability to get what I want with only looks and body language.
Before we're given a room for me to pump, I let Sara get me inside Sally's. I break down immediately at the sight. I feel too weak to stand, watching her small body asleep on a small bed, well-shielded in a zipped up see-through fabric, her wrist attached to an IV tube, her eyes closed and her lips wrapped around the pacifier.
"It's like she's in an incubator," I whisper, wiping my tears.
"No, this is for her not to fall and to stay calm," Sara says.
"She's asleep, though…right? She's just asleep." I ask, looking in wonder at how beautiful she looks. She has grown quickly. She's no longer that small red body I could barely hold. Her hair has grown. It's light brown, lighter than my hair and Sara's. It's the same shade Jeremy had when he was a child. Her two small hands are closed. I wish I can hold them while she feeds from me. I've done a great mistake.
"Visiting time is over," I hear the same obnoxious nurse say behind my back. "She needs some sleep, don't wake her up, please."
We both turn around to leave the room. "I've prepared a room for you. If Sally's health gets better within the next 24 hours, we're going to move her there. Please follow me."
We follow the nurse to a room in the same floor; it's a baby's hospital room. The walls are decorated with paintings of animals, Disney Princesses, cars, flowers, and there are toys everywhere. The small bed they have prepared for Sally makes me resume my crying. What if she doesn't get better? What if it's too late? Am I to blame?
"Can I get some privacy, please?" Sara asks, stiff and cold.
"Of course. If you need anything just hit that red button in there."
Sara locks the door behind the nurse quickly. She turns around, wraps her hands around her chest and sighs. This is the first time since I came here I noticed she had lost lots of weight. She's still not the Sara I have first met and lived with before her back issues intensified, but she's getting there. Her cheeks have shrunk. Her hair has gotten a bit longer and shaggier, so has mine. She's in dark jeans and a long and wide grey blouse that does not suit her at all.
"Alright, what am I gonna do?"
"Look, I pumped in the airport."
"You still have milk?" she asks in surprise.
I sit down on the chair and unzip my backpack, showing her the small amount of milk I could squeeze out of my breasts in the bottle. "Not much, but yes, I still do. I'll continue doing it now and hopefully when she's up, I can feed her again."
She sits in the chair next to mine, crying softly while I pump.
"It's going to be okay," I keep reminding her.
"This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't gotten rid of her this quickly. She wanted you so bad. God, you're selfish, Tegan."
"We had an agreement."
"Selfish," she whispers but I don't answer. I close my eyes, count under my breath. Losing my temper on her is the last thing I want to do. I've done enough damage to her that could last her a lifetime. "I tried to do that. I tried to breastfeed her. I put her against my breasts and she kept sucking on nothing. I didn't know what else I could do."
"I tried to call, Sara. I really did. You never picked up…then I gave up. I understood why you wouldn't pick up, but I tried to check on you guys. Don't think what I'm going through is easy."
She rolls her eyes, wiping extra falling tears. "My mum didn't let me pick up. I mean I was kinda too drugged and whiny, she knew I might…I might say things I would regret."
I take a look at her, into her diamond eyes, her pale complexion, and sharp features. "Why did you have the surgery?"
"I needed a correction surgery. I could barely walk. I knew I needed it since a year ago, I didn't tell you." She pauses, wiping the last of her tears. She grabs a tissue from the box on the table beside both of us and blows her nose. "I didn't know dad left me inheritance money," she says. "Mum told me when I moved to the new apartment, said she was saving it for a rainy day." She rolls her eyes again, this time not at me. "More like saving it till her test was over that I was going to find an apartment and a job."
"You found a job?"
"No, but I did more online counseling and I could pay her back for the rent of the first month."
I smile at her, but she doesn't smile back.
"So she told me about the money and I told her I needed the surgery immediately because if I didn't get it, my back might get worse with time. She came here to babysit Sally. I couldn't leave her with Emy and Amber. Emy's health is really bad."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah. You should visit her. She's not allowed to leave the bed. Has to lie on her back for the next three weeks."
I don't say anything in return; I give her a frown that she chuckles at.
"I didn't get Sally to the hospital because I knew they'll force me to breastfeed her. I didn't want to be in that position where I have to admit I'm not her biological mother. It's not because of the money."
"Yeah, but…" Somebody knocks on the door and interrupts me. I was going to ask her about the money in the bank, tell her it's okay to take from it.
"May I please come in?" We hear the voice of the nurse. We look at each other in panicked looks.
"Yeah, just…give us a second," Sara says. "Quick. Hide it. Umm…just."
"Put it on your breasts," I tell her, removing the pump from my breasts and lowering down my top.
"No," she says in discontent. "Just give it to me. I'll pretend as if I have finished."
I get up while she inspects the amount of milk in the bottle. It's not much, but that's all I can give for now. I unlock and open the door to find the nurse pushing a small baby crib towards the room. I look inside to find Sally with her eyes wide open staring at the ceiling, her fists shaking.
"She's awake," the nurse says. "Did pumping work?" she asks Sara, who holds up the bottle for her to see.
Both of us look inside the crib, when Sally sees Sara she starts writhing. "How is she?" Sara asks with tears back in her eyes.
"She's good. She's better than before. But we want you to breastfeed her so we can see how her stomach reacts to your milk."
"What was wrong with her in the first place?" I ask. They both look at me as if I am dumb. I forgot to ask Sara.
"A stomach virus," Sara answers.
"And asthma," the nurse says.
"Asthma?" both Sara and I ask in astonishment.
"Yes. She has asthma."
"Just like me," Sara whispers.
And like me, too.
When Sara picks her up, she showers her small face with kisses. My jealousy and longing rival inside my head, making me tear up against my will.
"The stomach virus made her extremely dehydrated. She lost lots of minerals and vitamins. She needs to be breastfed to be healthy again."
"Alright, I'll…" Sara stutters, more than the usual stutter. She looks at me then continues, "I'll try as much as I can. As you can see, I can't produce that much, but I guess with more pumping, it'll get better."
"There are some drugs that can help you get the milk back, Ms. Smith."
"No," Sara exclaims. "I'm good." Sally's head rests on her upper chest and her hands clutch her shirt. I've never seen a sight more beautiful than that. "I just need some privacy, please."
"Alright. If you need anything, just hit the red button up there."
The door is soon locked again and I'm sitting back on the chair with a breastfeeding pillow placed in my lap. I pull up my tank top once again and pull down the cup of my bra. Sara places Sally slowly on the pillow, but as soon as she's away from Sara's grip, she start whining.
"Shhh, I'm still here." Sara takes her little hand, rubbing the back of it with her thumb. Sally's cries get louder, which makes me pause, not knowing what to do. "Come on, do it. She doesn't know how to do it, Tegan."
She doesn't know me nor recognize me at all. I take a hold of my breast and push it towards her lips. She fusses, shaking her head and turning around to face Sara. She's crying loudly now, which is making me uneasy.
Sara gets up and stands by me, making the baby look back at her, directed towards me. "Try to push it now."
I take a hold of her small head and push my nipple against her lips. She moves her head a couple of times before she latches on. Still softly crying, she starts to suckle.
"Good job, baby girl," Sara whispers and I look up at her teary eyes staring at the infant in my arms. I look back at Sally, who's now calmer than before, moaning softly as she gets her food. "It's working, isn't it?"
"Seems like it is."
"Because when I tried to do it to make her stop crying, she didn't like it. She kept pulling away and latching on, crying and moaning until she hit my breast with her head."
"You actually tried to do that?" I ask, taking close looks at my daughter. She seems relaxed and tranquil.
"Yeah. It was a rough time," Sara says. "She hit me really hard, though. I had to see a doctor."
I look up at Sara smiling down at the baby. Her warm face sends shivers down my spine, making me smile along. "Ouch. What happened?"
"Nothing. She gave me some cream to use because it's red. Wearing a bra hurts too so, like, I have to wear heavy jackets to hide…you know, everything."
I nod, still smiling, now at Sally. How beautiful it is to get Sara talking to me again. How nice it is to hear her ramble about her days again. And how hurtful it is I don't get to hear that every day when I wake up and go to sleep anymore. I just want to be near her and near the baby but not be associated with an incestuous relationship with her. This is going to hurt till I die, isn't it? I'm gonna have to live with this pain forever. I'll have to adapt to it, to be okay about it. I'll never stop loving her. I'll never forget about her. I'll never move on nor be with anyone because it's true that she is my first and last love.
Sally pulls away crying all of a sudden. "Okay, okay, let's try the other one."
"What happened?" Sara asks in a concerned octave.
"No milk coming out of this one. Let me try the other one." I sigh, pulling up my cup and pulling down the other, holding the baby in the other side. She latches on immediately, releasing happy sighs as she suckles. "That's good, baby girl?" I coo at her, not noticing Sara staring at me with focused eyes until my eyes go up to meet her. I know what she's thinking. If I hadn't pushed her away, we would have been sharing these moments together.
"The more she sucks, the more milk will come out," Sara comments.
"I know. It needs time, though."
Sara sits by me eventually, not saying anything. She closes her eyes for a moment before we're interrupted by another knock on the door. Her eyes open up right away, staring at me widely.
"We want to check on Sally, Ms. Smith." She sighs, slowly taking the baby away from me. Sally shrieks and cries, still isn't full. I cover my chest and put the pillow in Sara's lap, which deludes Sally into thinking she's going to be fed by her mother right now. Sara unzips her jacket but doesn't pull her blouse up. I fix my own clothes and get up to open the door.
"How's everything going?" the nurse asks with a smile.
"Good so far," I say. "Want to check on her?"
"Yes, please."
Sara hands Sally to the nurse and gets up. "She seemed like she was enjoying it, feeding I mean," says Sara.
"Of course she'll enjoy it. She needs food, Ms. Smith." The nurse pauses and turns around to face both Sara and me. "She needs changing," she says with a wrinkled nose.
"Yeah, I know. I wanted to burp her first."
"I think she's fussy because she needs changing, Sara," I say. Sara sighs, taking her baby from the nurse and putting her on the changing table in the room.
I watch the process with a hand over my nose, trying my best not to gag. How can Sara deal with that and do it more than one time a day? How is she actually breathing at the moment?
"Her metabolism seems better than before," Sara says to the nurse, handing her Sally back. Sally cries right away. Sara sighs. "I just need to wash my hands and I'll take her again."
"No, I need to put her down for the doctor to examine her, is that okay?"
"Sure, yes."
She places Sally in the small crib and minutes later two doctors arrive with the nurse, examining fussy and whiny Sally. They laugh and make funny faces, but the baby isn't that interested.
"Heartbeat is perfect, pulse is perfect, breathing is back to normal, too," one of the doctors say.
"What about the asthma?" Sara asks; hand over her chest and one holding Sally's tiny hand.
It's inherited, of course it will be. Both her mother and aunt have asthma. It's funny I only knew about mine a few years ago but Sara knew when she was young, just like Sally. It's as if this little baby is her actual daughter. Maybe fate decided to pull that move in order for her to have an easier time with the girl, for them to relate more to each other.
Sally's alright, my heart is at ease. She has to stay overnight at the hospital, however. We have to wait till the morning to see how she is going to be. One problem, though; she has to depend on breastfeeding for the time being. So I have to stay here.
I feed her twice till morning comes up; one time at midnight with Sara asleep on the couch beside me, and the other at dawn when we both wake up due to the continuous crying.
"Thank you for coming," Sara says groggily.
I take a look at her; our eyes connect for long seconds until we both tear up. I know she wants to jump into my arms as much as I want to do that. "I won't leave," I make my decision loudly; surprised to hear myself pronounce it.
"What?" her hopeful tone breaks my heart. Her eyes glitter with hope and happiness.
"As an aunt, only an aunt. She needs me, and I need to be around her, too. But you're the mother, I'm the aunt. That's what we're telling people and her. I'll live in my place, you'll live in yours."
Her eyebrows rise and quickly they fall as she tries to hide her disappointment and shock. "Of course," she says, thinking I'm not able to tell she's faking her reaction. "Thank you," she says again. I nod.
In the morning, Sally gets another checkup. She's good to go back home under our watch. Sara showers her with kisses as she dresses her, giggling along as she tickles her a bit. Sally coos and drools, giggling and moving her arms, waiting for her mother to pick her up. I stand in the corner, watching the warm exchange with a smile I can never erase.
We take a cab back to Sara's place. The gasp that leaves my lips makes her face get red. I reprimand myself instantly, containing my reaction in order not to sound judgmental. I never thought Sara would live in such a small and old place like this. It's a studio apartment, the size of our bedroom back in NYC. Looking around then meeting her teary eyes is driving my eyes to well up in tears as well.
"Umm, yeah, that's where I live."
"For now," I say quickly.
"Hopefully." She walks up to the mattress, placing Sally in the middle. She places pillows on each side for her not to move. "Can you watch her? I need to use the bathroom."
"Of course, Sara."
"Hey, little Snowball," I say, looking at the big soft eyes staring at the ceiling. "Well, aren't you a drooling mess?" I laugh, taking a tissue from my pocket to wipe away her saliva. "You deserve to live in a huge house, with lots of nice rooms and nice toys to play with. You deserve to be in the best school and have the best clothes but I am an idiot, do you know that?"
Her face scrunches up and she starts crying. "Oh, you agree, baby girl?" I pick her up, but her cries increase.
Sara comes out in a rush. Her jacket and pants are both off. The long grey blouse is covering her body, stopping at her upper thighs. "Hey, hey, I just left for a minute, baby." Magically, Sally calms down. "You can't keep doing that every time I walk away. This is Tegan, you basically suck at her tits, can't you bear staying few minutes with her till mummy pees?"
I laugh. I laugh so much. I lose myself to laughter. I haven't laughed in such a long time. She joins me and we both cackle along. When we calm down, we stare at each other with longing eyes. Suddenly, we are not angry at each other that much anymore. There is an understanding. Hatred isn't present in the room anymore.
I watch Sally as Sara cooks. I talk to Emy on the phone. She's on speakers as both Sara and I take turns filling her in.
"That's good," she says, sighing. "I'm not feeling good at all."
"Yeah, Amber told me," Sara says. "She's with you?"
"She had to go to the store. She said she won't be long."
"What do you feel, Emy?" I ask.
"I'm actually in pain. I have cramps."
"Oh shit," I exclaim. "What if you're having contractions?"
"I'm not sure but this baby is going to kill me, I'm telling you guys," she says, not joking; she's crying.
"Don't say that," Sara whispers.
"It's like I knew getting pregnant isn't for me."
None of us say anything in return.
"Okay, Amber's home. I need to go."
I hang up and we both look at each other with guilt in our eyes; we pushed her to try when she didn't want to do it.
"I should go and check on her, but…"
"You can go," Sara says, placing a plate full of chicken wings on the table.
"No, not until I make sure Sally's totally okay." I look at the small baby chair far in the corner. Sally's asleep peacefully with a pacifier in her mouth. "All my stuff is in there, anyway."
"I'll give you something for tonight," Sara offers, adding a bowl of salad.
We have dinner together. Silence is loud in the room. I try my best to talk about the bank account issue but I stop myself each time. When I finally open up my mouth, Sally starts crying.
"She woke up." Sara stands up, still chewing her chicken. She picks up the infant and places her hand on her forehead. "No fever, that's good." She kisses her forehead and gets back to her seat. "She's hungry now."
"Yeah, okay." I put my fork down and lift up my tank top. I lower my bra then take Sally in my arms. "I need a pillow.
"Sure." Within seconds, I have a pillow in my lap and I'm feeding the baby while eating. "You know what's funny?" Sara hums. "I saw my OB yesterday and I was going to start with the pills to stop the milk and then…you know, this happened."
"I'm sorry," Sara says calmly.
"No," I say in a loud tone. "I was scared. It's like I didn't want to go through it. I…"
"Eventually you'll have to go through it. You're not gonna breastfeed your entire life, you know."
"Yeah." Even if I try to make things right, she's still not impressed. "Umm, Sara?"
"Yes?"
"I have a question."
She gestures with her eyes for me to speak.
"Why didn't you take any money from the joint account?"
The question seems to startle her. She drops her fork and wipes her mouth with a napkin. "It's not my money."
"Half of it is your money," I respond quickly. "We put this money together and the purpose of this account was to save for her. So technically it's money you'll need for her to be in the best schools and wear the best clothes and have the best stuff."
She shrugs.
"What?" I say, trying to get an answer from her. "If you feel like you don't want anyone to treat you like their charity then don't spend anything from it on your personal needs, but at least spend on her. I think my daughter deserves to live in a good place, not a dirty old room God knows how many hours you spent cleaning and tidying and it still smells rotten."
"Your daughter?" One eyebrow rises. I bite my lower lip when I realize what I've said. Why am I so stupid?
"Your daughter," I correct myself. "Yours." But I start to cry and I don't notice it until I choke on a sob.
After hitting Sara and regretting it, I promised I wouldn't drive myself to experience the same sense of pain I have felt, but here I am feeling the exact similar regret and anguish.
Sara doesn't say anything, but I notice the big glassy eyes of my baby staring at me with lips agape, not feeding anymore. I sniffle and wipe my tears. I try to get her to nurse again. Toying with my nipple to see if it is clogged, I end up squirting her face with milk. She shrieks immediately. Sara picks her up laughing. I don't join her. I cover myself up and walk to the bathroom, continuing my cries.
When I leave, I find Sara rocking the baby. "Why don't you pump for her? I don't want her to get used to your breasts." She pauses, taking a look at Sally drooling all over her shoulder. "Plus, you're finding a hard time feeding her apparently."
"I'm just not that used to it," I say. I don't mind feeding her. I don't mind being around her. What I mind is the fact that I have to do all that with the person I love, who happens to be my sister. What I do mind is the confusion it's going to plant in my daughter's mind if she ever figures out I fed her and I'm as close to her as her…mother.
"Eww, stop doing that." Sara groans, holding the baby up. "That's disgusting. Stop licking my jacket, you ruined it, baby." She puts the baby on the mattress, taking a look at her light peach cotton jacket. The right shoulder is full of spit and saliva. "Can you watch her for awhile?"
"Yeah, sure."
"I have to go lie down in the tub. I have to do that every day. It helps my back and hips. It's for half an hour only. If it's too urgent, knock on the door and tell me what is it, okay?"
"Sure, don't worry about it."
I lie down next to her, staring at the wide eyes. It's true that innocent children are actually a cure for a lot of things. I can't help not to smile watching her continue drooling. "Hey," I whisper, waiting for her to look at me. "Hey, little Snowball." She stares at me for a long second. I smile and pull my tongue out. "How are we doing?" My baby voice seems to amuse her. I see her lips turn upward. "Oh, we're having a good time, aren't we?" She's smiling. She's smiling at me. This is a smile…and it's for me.
However, only few minutes later she notices Sara's gone and the crying resumes. "Oh, no." I pick her up, trying to rock her. I know she's searching for Sara. Her head keeps moving, eyes searching the room. "Mama's in the bathroom." She doesn't understand me for sure. I lift up my top again and lower my bra. I hold her close to my breast, but she doesn't seem to fancy such a gesture and ends up pushing her head harshly towards my breast. I scream as pain surges through my body.
We both cry simultaneously. I have scared her more with my cries and now the sound is too loud that even Sara can hear it; Sara calls my name.
"Yeah." I stand outside the closed door, tears in my eyes.
"Is everything okay?" she asks, voice concerned.
"She won't stop crying, she hit my breast."
Silence.
"I can't hold her. I'm in pain. Please get out." Yeah, I can't be a mother. I can't be a mother alone. I open the door, thankfully it isn't locked. Somehow I forgot (or made myself forget) that we can't do such actions anymore; I can't just walk in on her in the bathroom as I used to.
She gasps and I gasp, too. She tries to cover her chest with her hand as she stares at me holding Sally up as if she's Simba and I'm Rafiki.
"She hit my boob," I shout with tears in my eyes.
"Okay, umm…just give me a minute. I have to do this. But…" I can see she's in awkward position right now. I take a look at her nude body in the water and then it hits me she's actually naked and I barged in on her with the baby in my arms. Sally has stopped crying as soon as she saw her.
"What do I do?" I ask, panicking.
"Just sit on the toilet seat for now. I have five minutes left. Try to feed her." She groans, removing her hand away from her chest. I gasp as I stare at the left one; red and swollen.
"Oh my God," I exclaim. "That's what she did to you?" She nods, groaning. "That's what's gonna happen to me?"
"No," she mumbles. "You would have been screaming and jumping if it's the same."
"How did she even…" I point at her. Her head is against my shoulder, eyes staring at Sara.
Sara sighs and rolls her eyes, not at me, at Sally. "She has this weird tendency to bang her head against something when she's not satisfied and she was not satisfied with my milkless tits."
"That's what she did to me." Sara nods, closing her eyes. "Shouldn't you be worried?"
"Why?"
"Like what if she bangs her head against a wall someday?"
"She's a baby; she doesn't know what she's doing. Babies are weird. They'd do the weirdest things to get what they want."
Sara asks me to turn around before she has to get up and wrap a towel around her body. Just a few months ago we were fucking doggy style on the mattress, who is she kidding!
I leave her to get dressed and as soon as she's not in Sally's eyesight, the infant starts to cry again. "You know, baby, I'm not a monster, I'm not gonna kidnap you."
Her cries only increase.
As soon as Sara leaves the bathroom, I comment, "She's so attached to you, this isn't normal."
"That's how all babies are, Tegan. A minute away from their mum and they'll wreak havoc with their continuous cries and weeping." She takes her from me, kissing her face then wrinkling her nose. "She needs changing."
"Yeah…she smells bad."
"That's why she wouldn't stop crying," Sara remarks, looking at me as if I have just offended her.
"I don't know how to do it." She rolls her eyes, at me this time.
She shows me how to change the diaper, asking me to do it in front of her, but Sally ends up peeing over my hand and I almost drop her.
"What is wrong with you?" Sara shouts at me, holding Sally still in my hands. "Relax. You can wash your hand. She pooped on me the other day."
"How do you deal with this?" I whine.
"I'm a mother, that's what I do."
Yeah, she's a mother, that's true. I'm just the aunt. Sally peed on her as soon as I gave birth and she did not blink, while I almost dropped her.
I take a shower after this process is done. Sara prepares pajama shorts and a T-shirt for me. She comes inside without knocking, the same way I did. The curtain is separating us. "Want me to give you underwear of mine?"
"Umm…yeah? I mean, I need a bra. I have to wear one. If you have a sports bra that would be great, but…no, wait, I leak a lot so like any other bra."
"I don't think you're my size, but okay."
"Yeah, and I think I need panties, too."
"Okay, I actually have new ones, but I don't think I'm your size."
As expected, bra is kinda small, panties are kinda big.
"Are you comfortable?" she asks me when I leave the bathroom. "I'm only a bit smaller than you so…"
"Yeah, no…it's not that much of a difference, but you know I'm kinda tender up here so it's a bit tight."
"Just take it off, Tegan. There's no one and we're going to sleep soon."
Sleep…yeah, that seems nice, except that with Sally around sleep means five minutes of eye rest between each two hours of continuous crying. I pump for her and feed her. Sara says she does this every night. I can't imagine how Sara deals with this.
"You need a rocking chair," I tell Sara with a yawn. Her eyes are barely open as she holds the bottle close to Sally's lips.
"I need a lot of things," she mumbles lazily.
We end up asleep next to each other with Sally between us; that's how I find our bodies in the morning when I open my eyes. I take the sheets to cover Sara and I make sure Sally's temperature and breathing are good. I try not to make any noise as I pump and use the bathroom.
Sara wakes up soon after. She whispers to me to get something to eat and closes her eyes again.
"I'm going to visit Emy," I whisper in her ears. "Can I borrow something to wear?"
"Mmm," that's all the response I get.
"Thanks. I pumped some milk, okay?" I lean in to kiss her cheek, but I pull back immediately when I remember…when memory hits me, when I realize what I'm doing.
What the hell am I doing?
I rush out of the place crying. I could barely change my clothes. I have to tame and control my thoughts and myself. We can't do this. We have to fix it.
When Amber opens the door for me, she gives me a quick hug, leading me to her bedroom where I find Emy resting on the mattress with sweat all over her brow, with a huge belly, and frightening paleness.
"Emy," I say loudly, running towards her.
She smiles, though it's barely there but I can see it. Her arms reach out for me and I give her a hug, kissing her cheeks. "How are you, honey?"
"Not good," she says, taking a long breath.
"I just got her back from the hospital," Amber says, rubbing her wife's hand. "It's not time but she should stay under my watch."
"She has to go to the store. Tell her to go to the store. We haven't sold a thing in a week because of me." Emy starts crying.
"I'm not leaving you, shut up."
I never thought I'd see Emy in such a terrible condition. I remember once when she came all beaten up and bloody but that was it. She's been messy emotionally, but never looked this exhausted.
"Look, I can take care of her. I'm staying here. At least go for few hours. If something happens, I'll call you."
"No," Amber refuses.
"Amber, please go. I can't deal with this. I need to rest, too. This is giving me anxiety."
Emy doesn't want her around, why?
"Fine," she nods. "I'll leave the car, Tegan."
"Sure, don't worry about it."
When she leaves, Emy says, "I have to get a divorce."
"What?" I shout.
"I can't continue any longer. The baby's gonna die."
"Don't say that."
"No, it's true. It's because of my uterus, it's too small. That's the issue. It's my fucking uterus."
"How do you know that?"
"That's what they said at the hospital."
"You're going to have a C-section, though."
"Yeah, but…" she squeezes her eyes for few seconds and opens them again. "She's not breathing well. It's a miracle she stayed there."
"And another miracle might happen also and she might survive." Emy tries to sit up so I help her.
"They're gonna remove my uterus after, do you know that?" I stare at her with a blank face; jaw dropped. "Yeah, there's no use of it. She fucking ruined it already."
"Emy…"
"I missed you."
"Me, too."
"But I'm still angry at you." She points at me, one hand over her belly.
"I know."
"I hope you regret your decisions because you killed everything in her…every little thing."
I don't say anything in return because I do regret my decisions, except I cannot admit it.
Only half an hour after, Sara calls to check on Emy. Emy fills her in on what happened. Sara doesn't say much. She tries to calm Emy down, but doesn't say more than that.
"How's Sally?" I ask.
"She's good," Sara says. "A bit of a fever, but overall good."
"Yeah. I'll get back tonight."
"No, don't leave me alone with her," Emy says. "She's getting on my last nerve."
"She's your wife."
"She doesn't want to stay with me if something happens to Pearl."
"She did not say that, Emy," Sara scolds.
"But I know her too well."
"She doesn't wanna stay with you because you don't love her," Sara responds, "and to her losing you and the baby means losing everything. Why would she stay with someone who doesn't love her, anyway?"
"I stayed with you, didn't I?" Emy says, making Sara shut her mouth. "And I'd still stay with you…"
"Okay, Sara, we'll talk later." I hang up. I look at Emy, eye to eye. Not much has changed. "Why are you doing this?"
She shrugs. "That's not how you get someone to be with you."
"Shut up," she shouts. "What do you know?"
Before I can answer she screams, hands clutching the shirt I'm wearing tightly.
"Oh my God…oh my God…I…." She squeezes her eyes, her face gets red.
"What…what are you doing?" She's squeezing my flesh, too. "Did your water break?"
I look down between her legs, the dark shorts are wet. I try to left her up but soon enough blood runs down her thighs from each direction. "Holy shit," I scream. The more she pushes, the worse the situation gets.