Chapter's Content: depression and death are mentioned.

Sara

I rock my baby gently as she whimpers in my arms. One hand holds Sally and the other holds the phone close to my ear, listening to Tegan filling me in on basically nothing other than the fact she's still in the hospital, Emy's still asleep, the baby's still going through tests, and Amber's still crying.

"I still can't forget it," she whispers. "The scene was horrible; I didn't know what to do."

"I just want her to wake up. I want to make sure she's fine."

Tegan huffs then takes few agonizingly silent seconds to pause before she finally says, "I wish the doctors would just give us answers. What's going on? Are they both going to be okay or not?"

"Nothing has been stated?"

"No. It's been five hours."

I place my daughter on the mattress, hoping she won't cry and make a scene. "What if it takes too long?"

"You want me to come to you?"

"Uh…" I hesitate, not knowing exactly what to say. Want you to come to me? Yes, I do. Of course I do. But I also want my friend to be healthy and happy. I also want my daughter to be fed and feel fine. "It's not me, it's for Sally."

"I pumped well for her." I can hear the astonishment through her shaky voice. "I can't leave Emy like that."

"I want to come and be there, too. I want to see my best friend."

She doesn't answer.

"Please, Tegan."

"No, Sara. Sally's still sick, she needs you. You know too well I can't handle her alone. Hell, I can't even change a diaper to save my life. Plus, whenever I smile at her she cries. She just hates me."

"She doesn't hate you." Tegan is her mother, how can Sally even hate her? If anything, I really do think the reason Sally gets so fussy around her is because she feels it. She probably feels something strange when she is around Tegan. "She's just not used to you. You're a new face and that new face is feeding her. It probably feels weird to her."

Tegan chuckles and that's the first time I smile this day. "You know, I needed that. I mean, it's such a hard day."

"Please, call me when you know something."

"Will do." She pauses. "Give Sally a kiss for me." And it's my turn to pause upon hearing her request. Even though it came in a bashful whisper, I still heard it vividly.

"Will do," I whisper back, knowing too well the shade of the cherry has already tinted my cheeks.

I pick up my daughter again, kissing her forehead and cheeks. That's when her eyes squint and her lips go upward. I begin to cry. I'm not sure exactly what's making me cry right now but every little piece of failure is founding a house inside my head. Emy's fate and my future are on one side of my brain while the other carries Sally's life and Tegan's existence in it. My thoughts are jumbled and it feels like I can't seem to get rid of the sensation that sends discomfort and pain.

Sally's eyes are wide again, almost green in color. She stares at my tears as they fall and I stare at the innocence this tiny human vibrates. I wish she can understand me. I wish I can tell her about how she has saved my life, she's the reason I am coping with all the hardships around me.

"I love you so much," I attempt pathetically, feeling embarrassed. "You know that I love no one more than you?" She doesn't give me any emotion. Wide eyes with a puzzled gaze is all I receive. "You are the most beautiful thing that happened in my life. I wish you'd realize that, my love." Her orbs begin to shift up and down my face as I hold her up to look at her. "Do you know that years ago I wanted to die?" I chuckle as memories begin to sing a weary melody inside my head. "I used to tell Tegan that I want to die. I couldn't stand living, but now I'm thankful I'm alive. I have you and you're this…this piece of flesh that basically has no idea what I'm blabbering about but one day you'll grow old and I'll tell you all about it." I pause once I notice my daughter's eyes beginning to tear up. "You want to cry, baby girl?" Silent tears start to fall from her eyes. "What's wrong? Do you want food or do you feel bad for your mama?" I hold her close to my chest, kissing her head. "You're my precious little miracle. You're the reason I'm surviving right now, do you know that?"

Soon her cries become audible and mine do, too. I rock her in my shoulder as a sense of an aching burden leaves me cold, shivering for some type of relief. I don't know what to do next. I feel lost. I have never felt such a sense of loss even through these past months. I look at her and pray for a good future, at least for her. What if she gets my terrible fate? What if she has to put up with my bad luck all her life?

Tegan calls an hour later. Sally has finally fallen asleep after I fed her. I pick up and walk to the bathroom, whispering carefully, hoping for the best and fearing the worst.

"Hey," I begin, "please tell me she woke up."

"She did," Tegan whispers. "But she has lost so much blood so she's very…well, kinda out of it. I donated some because we have the same blood type. I didn't know that."

"Yeah. You and I do, too. It's strange." I check inside the room to make sure Sally's safely asleep in her crib. "But…is it okay you donated some and you just gave birth a few months ago? I mean you lost so much as well…back then when…"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm perfectly fine now." She sighs. "That's not the issue."

"Oh…"

"She's crying because she can't breastfeed yet."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Her milk isn't prepared?" She sighs deplorably and I gasp as I remember the important question I haven't asked yet.

"Pearl? She's fine? Awake?" I forget to lower my voice, hissing at the fact I might have just woken Sally up.

"She's awake," Tegan says. "Uh…she has…well, she can't see."

"She's blind?"

"Almost. She'll need like those really heavy glasses."

"Oh, but…her brain?"

"Well, she can't hear, too. I mean she won't be able to hear well. She has some defects. Lungs as well…" Tegan starts crying out of the blue.

"Tegan, why are you crying? Is it that bad?"

"No, but…I just thought of Sally…if she had been born with a single defect I would have lost it."

I can't answer or say anything because that's true. Sometimes she puts us both in such an awkward situation because it's more than obvious she regrets her choice and decision to leave me and Sally. Now she's back and nobody knows till when or why, which is making me more confused and lost. What if she decides she wants to take Sally back and have nothing to do with me? No, she can't do that. What if she stays awhile longer and Sally gets too attached to her? I don't get it. She says she'll stay and we'll act like sisters but that's Tegan…I know Tegan too well to know the pain she can bring with her.

"Sally's fine. Don't worry."

"Is she still very sick?"

"She has a bit of a fever. I gave her the medicine, fed her and now she's asleep."

"I'll come home soon. I just need to be with Emy for a bit."

"Of course." Before I hang up, I ask, "How does Amber feel?"

"She's…aloof. I don't know. She's been crying, checking on Emy a second then on the baby."

"Did they uh…remove her uterus?"

"No," Tegan says quickly and loudly. "They were going to. They really were going to, but then the bleeding became normal and her body slowly recovered."

"How does she feel? She was so scared Pearl would come out completely…"

"They said she won't survive, Sara."

"Oh…" I freeze in my place, finally understanding why Tegan is still crying. I wouldn't want to be in Emy's place now.

"She's very small and weak."

"Oh God, Emy must be losing it."

"Emy has lost it, I think."

I spend the rest of the evening thinking of Emy. A sense of guilt washes over me. Maybe if I hadn't made her feel shitty about herself, she wouldn't have tried to be with Amber. Maybe if I tried to love her more, we both wouldn't be where we are right now. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to get pregnant when she was failing to. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed her to carry when she didn't want to.

I wonder what has changed! She loved Amber, I'm sure about it. Now she wants to get rid of her. They have a baby together, a baby that may not survive. What will she do? How will she survive this?

"You're full, Snowball?" I look at Sally rubbing her eyes with two closed fists as she yawns. The bottle is in my hand, directing its nipple right at her lips where she keeps moving her head to push it away. "Wanna sleep?" I place my hand above her forehead, sighing when I feel the heat still there. "Want some bonding with mummy?" I pick her up, placing her against my chest. "But I don't want you to kick my boobies." I chuckle, wishing she understood me. "You hurt me a lot down there." I unzip my hoodie to place her against my warm skin. She looks down at my breasts, ready to be fed. "No, don't do that." I place her against the side she hasn't hurt. Her saliva fills up my upper chest. "Baby, why are you so disgusting?"

I grab my phone, scrolling through the internet as Sally nibbles on my chest, whimpering and whining. Moments later a knock is heard upon my door.

"Sara?" I hear the voice I have grown accustomed to in the past few years.

"I'm coming." I get up, holding Sally tightly against my bare chest. I open the door partially, making it hard for Tegan to squeeze herself in. "Sorry," I whisper.

"Wha…were you breastfeeding her?" she looks directly at my naked chest and Sally placed against my right side, her small head turned to look at Tegan.

"N…no." Suddenly, I start to stutter as nerves begin to occupy my system. "We…we're bonding." I walk back to the bed, looking down at stunned Sally as she focuses her big grey eyes on me.

"I mean, why topless?" I shrug. "She might kick you there again. It's really not good."

When I don't answer for awhile, she sighs in defeat and plops down on the mattress next to me. "You want to breastfeed her, don't you?"

I nod, as if I was waiting for her to realize it. My tears, too, fall as if they were waiting for the mercy of her words. "I wish I was the one who carried her. I wouldn't be this sad."

"I…uh…I mean…" She shakes her head, realizing that whatever she might say, will not result in any comfort. She cries along instead.

Sally's too startled by us to shed a tear. Her pearly eyes roam around both Tegan and me in bewildered shock. Sometimes I wish I can decipher what babies think or feel, but it's obvious that at this moment she is thinking we are crazy, we are weird, we are related somehow, and that she doesn't like what we're doing to one another.

"There's a way you can feed, you know," Tegan mutters.

"What?"

"I read about it."

"Yeah?"

"You take, ummm, some hormones, some pills. I don't know if it's hormone replacement or something else exactly, but, you know, the hormones that will make you lactate, and during that you have to pump daily…for like long hours so you can start lactating."

"That sounds ridiculous." And stupid, and way too disturbing, almost like some man's fantasy.

"No, I swear. I looked it up many times and even asked my GP about it. It really does work…it just needs time and some endurance of pain, I guess."

"But how?" Suddenly I'm filled with silly hopes again.

She shrugs. "You can ask your GP or gynecologist or whatever." I nod. "You have one in here?" I shake my head. "How come?"

"I just got here, you know. I don't have a particular one."

"What about that doctor we used to go to when we lived here? I liked her. She was nice." Now I get it. She's planning to move in for real and she wants everything to feel normal, she wants to get every little thing back the way it was before.

"You're crazy?" I laugh at her naivety. "You want me to go to a doctor who knew we were a couple to tell her I'm suddenly a single mother and you're my sister?"

"Oh…yeah." She nods awkwardly. "Emy still goes there, huh?"

"Yeah." I look up at her with mouth agape. "How's Emy?"

"They kind of sedated her back to sleep because she wasn't able to handle the pain." She bites her lower lip. Tears are still falling from her eyes, too similar to the way they fell from Sally's eyes in the morning. "She kept screaming that her back hurt."

"It hurts that bad?" I ask foolishly.

"It's like your soul is being taken out of you," she says. "But Emy had a c-section; it's just that the aftermath is horrible according to the doctors."

"Pearl?"

"She's so beautiful," she says with big astonished eyes. "So beautiful, Sara. It's like she isn't just born. She's like an angel."

"But her health is…"

"Terrible." Her lopsided smile makes me want to hold her hand, rub her knuckles, kiss them and cuddle up with her. "I can take care of Sally in the morning so you can visit her if you'd like?"

"Really?" I jump up, smiling stupidly. "You'd do that?"

"Yeah." She smiles back. "I just want you to teach me how to change her diaper again."

"It's so simple, I swear. I won't even take long there. I'll just visit her quickly."

"It's fine," she mutters, looking down at Sally. "Can I take her?"

"Yeah." I pass the baby to her welcoming arms. My baby starts to cry.

"She hates me."

"She doesn't." I zip up my hoodie and sit back to watch Tegan try to get the baby's attention. "Why don't you feed her?"

"Yeah, I was about to do that."

I watch as her lips release calming breaths, knowing she feels uncomfortable and anxious. I wish I can close my eyes and listen to the silence that swims around us, her soft breaths, Sally's constant whimpers, my heart drumming. I wish I can feel as calm as I once have been when we were young in our dorm room. Why can't she just give it up and save us while she still can?

She takes off my sweater and lowers down my bra to reveal her breasts covered with toilet paper. "I leaked so much; I had to go to the bathroom to cover it up."

"Get some nipple pads or something." Her eyes open up in a funny way once Sally latches on. "Feels weird?"

"I'll never get used to it." She sighs, patting my baby's forehead. "Thanks for lending me your clothes. I'll wash them and get them back to you."

I can't help but chuckle at the irony of the situation. She's acting as if we haven't shared clothes for about nine years. She's acting as if I haven't done her laundry or I haven't worn her dirty clothes after her. She's acting as if we're strangers who have just met recently.

"Oh, she fell asleep." The surprise on her face is too amusing not to smile at. "That's too fast."

"She has just been fed but she just loves tits."

"No, that's wrong." Tegan laughs, handing my sleeping daughter back to me. "We shouldn't joke about that."

"It's just a joke, chill."

I place Sally in her crib, rocking it back and forth to make sure she doesn't wake up soon. "We should be very quiet now," I whisper.

"This is such a horrible living condition." I roll my eyes. "Please let me help you find a bigger place with separate rooms."

"No."

"It's for her, not for you," she says bluntly. "Just for her."

I want a bigger place. I do want it but I don't want the pity, and right now, even if she disagrees, I'm being pitied.

"No," I insist.

"What if the place is mine? I get a place for me, but you live in it."

"I'm not your charity case."

"Sara, please," her voice rises. I glare at her. "If you love her, you'll do it for her."

"Don't you dare," I shout at her, tears streaming down my face.

"I swear I didn't mean it…I just want her to live in a better place. Please don't be angry with me. I'm trying, I swear. I'm trying to compensate. This is what I can do. Just understand me. Just understand what I can and can't do."

"I fucking get it." I look down at my infant, who, thankfully, is still sleeping. "Try to understand me, too," I whisper.

"I can't say it, Sara." Her crying is getting louder. She turns around all of a sudden, facing the wall behind the mattress. "I…I will not stop loving you." She pauses, giving me time to absorb the information she has just admitted. I try to control my thoughts and breathing because I know there's a 'but' that will follow. "It's not something I can control. I won't love anyone ever again, that's for sure." I wish she'd look at me as she speaks, but I know that she'll cave in and run into my arms if she did so. "But it's wrong and you know it's wrong to be together. Even if you try to deny it, deep down you do know and that's why when you first found out, you refused when I touched you."

She's right. She's absolutely right. Of course it's wrong. Yes, it's incest. It's wrong, disgusting, inhumane, not natural. But we have done it anyway so what's the point? Why does some small piece of information have to change that?

"We worked hard both you and me, you can't deny it. You worked as hard as I did and even harder because you had to put up with a mentally ill, abusive partner who fucked everything for you; yet you still had the patience to stay by my side and support me. When we wanted a baby, you let me carry even though you wanted to do that. You saved the money you worked hard for in an account we shared for the future. When we decided to have a baby, we decided to divide that money and use it for her future needs. We both have separate accounts and that money belongs to both of us. I'm not giving you my money because I feel sorry for you; I'm giving you the money that your daughter needs to live a good life. I don't want to use her money to get you into a better apartment and I think you don't want that, too. All I want to do is to help you because I love you and I love her and that's the only thing I can do." She takes a deep breath, finally turning around to look at me with solemn swollen eyes. I notice that she has been pinching her forearm to calm herself; the skin is red as she continues squeezing it between two digits. "If it wasn't for me, you would still be in NYC, in our small apartment raising our baby. We would still be living together, not giving a single shit about any financial aid. I know it's my fault. I know you're thinking that a way to fix this is to forget I ever wanted to leave you and pretend the past months haven't happened. I know you want us to be a family despite the truth that we cruelly discovered a little bit too late. I know all that but I can't. I really can't do that. Please understand me. Try to understand me."

I clench my fists, viciously biting my lower lip till I feel the metallic taste of blood. My hot tears are streaming down my red face. I don't want to release that loud sob. I want to swallow the pain in my chest, keep it there, stinging me, scratching me, stabbing me like a heated blade that can cut through the hardest of metals. I close my eyes to calm myself down, swallowing the sob, getting choked on it till it shies away inside. I will explode, I know. "I'll live my life trying." When I finish my sentence I release a long sigh, proud that I have actually made a comment without a single stutter, without losing my control, without burning this place down to get rid of this tormenting misery.

I walk to the bathroom, close the door, and lock it. I let the water spray down from the shower head in order for me to cry privately, pretending as if she doesn't know that I am just breaking down in here. I sit on the closed toilet seat and cry for a long time. It takes too long that when I get out, I find food on my table: two grilled cheese sandwiches (the way she has always made them; tasty and crispy), a bowl of salad, and sautéed vegetables.

"Let's eat dinner, Sara." She looks into my eyes, trying her best to pretend that I don't look as horrible as I appeared in the mirror moments ago. "I haven't eaten anything this entire day."

"You didn't have to cook." I sit down on the table as she puts a can of Coke in front of me and her. "I don't have any alcohol, I'm sorry."

"That's barely considered cooking, Sara." She chuckles. "And I don't drink. I breastfeed, I can't drink."

I nod silently. I think she shouldn't drink Coke if she breastfeeds, it has caffeine. I prefer silence than telling her that, though.

"Sally still has a fever." I nod. "What about her asthma?"

"She's good. It's just the fever that was worrying me all day."

"We're taking her to the doctor again tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah. After I come back."

Small talk has never felt as painful or awkward as it is. The sounds of the chewing are making me anxious. I feel like I want to break down again, but I shouldn't.

"How's your health?" I decide to distract myself from my thoughts.

She looks up at me in surprise. "I'm good," she says. "Thanks for asking."

Why is this so torturous?

"I had a checkup two days ago before I came here." Again, I nod. "What about you? How did the surgery go?"

"It went well," I answer immediately. Am I surprised she asked? No, I'm not. She should ask. Am I happy she did? Yes, I am. I wanted her to ask. "I just have to keep going to doctors every few months to make sure all is good. I should also be very careful. I can't carry heavy stuff or exercise for now. I have special exercises to do, though."

"I can't exercise at all for six months," she says.

"Why?"

"You know how I hurt myself after I gave birth? When I went running?" Her face turns red as embarrassment blankets its features. I nod with a small laugh. "I kinda dislocated my uterus or something. I don't really get it, but it kind of moved from its place and they had to get it back and now I can't, you know, move that much or carry heavy luggage as well so I wouldn't do it again."

"Wow, how can a uterus move?" By now I'm just eating the vegetables right from the yellow bowl she has put them in. I have finished my sandwich while she's still chewing hers.

"Apparently it can." She sighs. "It's called a prolapsed uterus or something? I don't know, I forgot."

"But you…" I shake my head.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Say it."

"I was gonna say your body is almost the same before the pregnancy. You lost a lot of weight." She nods with a grin. "How?"

"I guess good genes." She shrugs. "Though my breasts look horrible."

They don't, but I don't tell her that.

Once again we sleep on the same bed that night, except that we don't sleep due to the discomfort and anxiety that hover between us. Sally wakes up a few times to be fed or changed. I spend the night thinking and crying. I thought I was silent enough until she hears me and asks, "You're okay?"

"Yeah," I say. A loud sob leaves my lips, though. I don't know why I am this sad. I just am. It's getting better. It's much better than the few days after I found out, much better than the days after the baby was born, or the days I spent here alone. It's better but I'm somehow sadder and emptier. I guess one can't really feel loss until what they want is right in front of them yet they still can't get it. God, how painful it is.

"Why are you crying that much?" She sits up, removing the blanket. "Sara?"

"I have cramps," I lie pathetically. "Horrible cramps." I do have cramps, but that's not why I'm crying.

"Oh." She rests her head against the headboard, examining my face full of tears. I release another sob, closing my eyes. "You're PMSing," she states and I nod. "Want some Advil?" I nod again, not exactly knowing why. I just want to numb any type of pain, even if it's emotional. She gets out of bed while I continue my hopeless weeping.

I don't remember what happened next, whether I took the painkillers or not, but somehow morning has come and now I'm awake in bed with eyes that sting worse than a paper cut and the sound of my daughter feeding happily. I look up to find her actual mother smiling down at her. I avert my gaze again, sensing the pain in my entire body.

"Good morning," she greets. "How do you feel?"

"Shit." I kick the blanket and sit up, rubbing my eyes.

"Still have cramps?"

"Yeah."

"I went to get you the pill and when I came back you were asleep. It literally took only a minute."

"It's fine," I mumble as I get up. "When did she wake up?"

"Two times. First at dawn and the second time just a few minutes ago. I…" I can spot the rosy color that starts to grow on her cheeks. "I changed her diaper."

"I was asleep during that?" She nods. "Wow."

"You were tired," she says. "She kept staring at you as you slept, that's the only way she could be quiet while feeding." I get closer to Tegan's seated form. My daughter looks at me as she suckles. I smile at her and her lips turn upward in a warm smile that makes my heart forget all the misery I have put myself in last night. "Oh, wow." Sally puts her arms up and I take her small hand, locking my finger inside her tight grip. She pulls away from Tegan's nipple, releasing incoherent voices. "I think she wants you."

"Yeah, give her to me." I pick her up carefully, immediately showering her face with kisses. Her eyes are wide open staring at me, mouth drooling and full of saliva. I grab the towel on Tegan's lap to wipe her lips. She wrinkles her nose and sneezes. "Bless you," I say in a fake child's voice. She sneezes again. "You're good, baby girl? You're full?" I kiss her forehead. "How are you? Did you sleep well?"

I spot Tegan smiling from her place on my bed. I try not to make eye contact, but my eyes meet hers and we stare at each other for long seconds until I'm interrupted by my daughter casually throwing up on me. I gasp, pushing her away.

"Shit," Tegan exclaims, standing up to take her from me. "Damn, that's…" She wrinkles her whole face, staring at me full of my daughter's puke.

"It happens a lot, it's fine." I walk up to the bathroom. "I'll take a quick shower. Distract her, okay?"

"Sure."

My quick shower becomes quicker as my daughter's cries ring louder and louder, making me restless. I put on clothes quickly and leave the bathroom. Tegan sighs in relief when I finally take Sally.

"She hates me," Tegan mutters, rolling her eyes. "She really hates me."

"She doesn't. She's a baby and she's attached to her mum, that's it."

"I am her…" She stops herself right away, biting her lower lip. "I'll take a shower."

I prepare breakfast and call my mother, filling her in on what has happened in the past few days. As expected, she's not welcoming the idea that Tegan is around because it will only hurt me emotionally and, if something goes wrong, Tegan might hurt me physically. I don't have the energy to argue so I just promise her I'll be careful, which she sighs upon hearing.

Next, I call Amber, who picks up right away.

"Hey, Sara." Her voice is calm, which makes my pounding heart rest a bit.

"Hi, how are you?" I pause but immediately continue, "How's Emy?"

"I'm good. Emy's good." I can hear the happiness in her voice which confuses me. "She's trying to breastfeed right now." She starts crying. "Our baby is so beautiful." The crying gets louder.

"Oh, honey. Are you overwhelmed?"

"I'm happy she's alright." She sniffles. "Emy," she continues. "Emy's alright."

"Is the baby okay?"

"I hope so. Let's hope she is." She sniffles and chuckles. "Emy wants to talk to you."

"Yeah, I wanna talk to her, too."

"Okay, hold on."

I wait on the line, hearing some shuffling and a baby's soft sound. I hear Emy's voice as she pronounces my name, "Sara."

"Baby," I say then regret it immediately. "Emy, honey." I clear my throat. "How are you?"

"Come here. Come see the baby. She's so beautiful." Emy starts crying, too. "Did Tegan tell you?"

"Yeah, she did." I begin to cry along. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm in pain but I'm good." She giggles all of a sudden. "She doesn't want to let go of my breasts even though I barely have milk. She loves me."

"Of course she loves you. You're her mother." Emy giggles again. "We both have babies now and they can play together." She giggles and cries in a hysterical way. "But she can't hear or see. I mean, she will need hearing aids and big glasses." Her laughter dies down and now they're merely tears. "She might die," she whispers. "Any day, any moment because she has weak lungs and a weak heart."

My heart breaks as I hear cries, knowing that I should be by her side more than ever. Who knew that life would end up like this years ago when we were two college girls in our dorm trying to fix our relationship? Who knew we'd be best friends and stay in touch after the dramatic events that have happened in our lives? I'm thankful for the time that has kept us together but sorry for the time that blinded me and took away the love I held for her. I wish I've never loved Tegan. I would be happily in love with her, with our little family and small house. I wouldn't have felt less because she never made me feel less, I wouldn't have hurt my back and myself. I wouldn't have gone through depression. Realizing that the love of my life is the reason my life has been destroyed hurts me more.

She stands right here in front of me with hair wet as my fiery eyes scan every inch of her body, blaming her for all my anguish, wishing I can hurt her the way she has hurt me but knowing that by having the baby she can never have, I have won and she will always regret doing what she has done to me. I'll always love her and she will always love me, but we that's what hurts more; we will never be one happy family.