Tegan
I come inside to a room occupied by two women and a whiny baby. "Hi," I greet in a low voice and join the two women on the mattress. They both look at me and at my grave face.
"What's wrong?" Emy asks. I shrug, smiling.
"Nothing. How are you?"
"Good." She sighs. Just then Amber comes in, releasing a relived sigh. She plops on the mattress next to her wife, facing me as I sit next to Sara, who's facing Emy. Sara's rocking Sally. She didn't even say hi to me. "She slept?"
"Yes. Finally," Amber says.
"Breathing well?"
"Yes." Amber takes a deep breath. I know what's going to happen next. Emy's gonna whine, her wife is gonna lose her temper. They will argue. Both will end up crying. It's been a week since Emy gave birth and for the past week they've been in this state of apprehension and fear.
"Are you sure?" Emy asks.
"I am sure," Amber answers shortly. "I'll check on her in a few minutes."
"I still think her bed should be here next to me."
"Okay, I'll move it." I look at Sara and she looks at me for a few seconds, both reading each other's minds. Amber has been doing the impossible to make Emy relax, yet Emy can't chill. I haven't seen my friend in such a condition ever, never thought I would.
"Relax, Emy, relax," I say. "She's alright."
"I worry." The way she says those words make me hear nothing but a huge amount of pain, if pain had a sound it would be the way she said that.
"I called the doctor and her hearing aids will be ready in a week by the way," Amber states, finally a smile on her face.
"Really?" Emy jumps in with delight. "She's gonna hear us!"
"Yes!" Now it's a real smile, so I smile, too. Sara smiles as well.
"Yup. She's gonna hear you and me."
Emy starts crying. Nothing's new.
"Aww, Em." Sara pats her covered thigh and I swear I can see Amber's jealous glances from the corner of my eye.
"When are you gonna get her glasses?" I ask.
"When she's two months old," Amber says. "It has to be custom-made of course."
"I can't wait for her to hear and see."
"Does it feel different?" Sara asks. "Do you feel some difference when you interact with Sally and when you interact with her?"
"A big one," Amber answers instead. "Sally is aware of her surroundings…even when she was few days old. Pearl isn't at all. That's why she's always crying."
"That's why she kicked a lot in the womb. She can't hear," Emy said. "A baby starts hearing in the third trimester."
"She can't really see, too. I know that babies can't really see well when they're just born but they can see visions." Amber sighs.
"She's only quiet when she's close to my chest."
"It's weird. I guess she just knows you and feels safe around you," Sara says.
"Yeah. It's my smell she knows."
The chat dies down for awhile. Amber goes away to check on Pearl and comes back. Sara's rocking Sally gently, trying to get her to sleep. I scroll through my phone for a few minutes while Emy closes her eyes, crying softly as if it's the most normal thing ever.
"I'm sick of staying in bed," Emy tells her wife when she comes back. "I wanna walk around a bit."
"You walked enough today," Amber answers. "Get some rest, will you?"
"It's been a week. People run marathons right after giving birth."
"Like Tegan when she opened up her stitches?" Sara jokes. They laugh. I don't.
"Well, if anything, I don't have vagina stitches."
"You have stitches on your belly and that's worse," Amber states.
"No it isn't, believe me," I say. "But yes, you should rest. It's been a hard week for you."
Sara gives me Sally without telling me. I jump when I find her offered to me. "I have to pee." I nod, taking the infant, hoping to God she won't screech once her mother leaves her.
"So, umm, how's everything?" Emy asks when Sara disappears.
"Shit." I say. "She hates me. Sally hates me. You hate me." Like Emy, I start crying immediately. It's infectious.
"She doesn't hate you." Emy chuckles. "She never will."
"I know. I just. I can't seem to get it right."
"You never will," Emy says again. Thanks, my friend. Just what I needed to hear. But she's right; I'll never get it right.
"You were at the doctor?" I nod, smiling down at the baby in my arms. She stares at me with a blank face. No screaming, thank God.
"Yeah. I wish I didn't go."
Just then Sara comes in, demanding to take the baby back in her arms.
"Why?" Emy asks.
"It's fine," I whisper to Sara. She nods, sitting down in her old place. "The doctor in Calgary told me I can start exercising again. Light exercises. But here this bitch says I can't do anything for three months."
"Don't curse," Sara says.
"Sorry." I almost roll my eyes, but I don't.
"Wait, why?" Amber asks.
"Her uterus moved or whatever because she ran a marathon after she gave birth."
"Hahah, so funny, look at me laughing." More tears fall from my eyes. I was never this sensitive before. What happened to me?
"I'm sorry," Emy apologizes, reaching for my hand. "I'm really sorry."
"They have to make sure it won't prolapse gain," I explain to Amber. "Carrying heavy stuff or exercising might hurt me." I let go of Emy's hand.
"I don't remember you talking about it," Sara says. "I remember it was just an infection and torn stitches."
"Yeah. We discovered it the same day you left. The pain was a bitch…sorry, the pain was horrible and mum took me to the hospital to find out why and…yeah, you know the rest."
"Did they like do something about it? A surgery?" Amber questions.
"Yeah. Corrected it. Worst month of my life." It was also the best month because of her. I sigh, looking down at my baby, surprisingly still quiet. I smile through pathetic tears.
"I have to go. I'm giving an online session within an hour," Sara announces.
"Oh, that's good to hear," Emy says. "Paid, right?"
Sara chuckles. "Yeah. It's an old woman. This is her third session."
"I'm happy for you."
"Thank you." I smile at Sara as she stands up. She stops smiling as soon as she looks at me. "Since I got the LinkedIn profile and got in touch with a few counseling websites, people have been reaching me better."
"My advice worked." Emy winks with her red puffy eye. Sara blushes, I can see it. I know when my lover blushes and that's Sara with ruddy cheeks because she's flattered.
"Let me drive you," Amber says. Did she not see it? Did she not notice?
"No, it's fine. I'll order a cab."
What if Sara and Emy get together and raise their babies together? What if I'll be forever forgotten?
"No, I have to go get some stuff from the supermarket anyway." She yawns. "Em, want something?"
"No, just the candy I told you about."
"Okay." Amber kisses my friend. Does Emy even want to kiss her?
I look at Sara awkwardly as she puts on her heavy parka. I hand her the baby when she puts out her arms. She reaches for the maroon blanket to cover her. Sally turns around to look at us with bewildered eyes.
"Say goodbye, Snowball," her mother says, kissing her forehead. Sally hurriedly buries her face back in Sara's chest. "Or not."
"Wait, I pumped a bit for her. Let me get you the bottles." I leave to the kitchen where I have stored the bottles in the fridge. I have been staying with Emy and Amber for the past week. At first I just wanted to help Emy with the new mother thing while Amber went to work, but then I realized I couldn't go back to spend the night with Sara since all we do is argue and hurt each other. Plus, it hurts way too much staring at her asleep not being able to caress her skin or stroke her hair or kiss her lips. I need to kill these urges and treat her like a sister till I get used to it or else I'll never be able to hide it or fake it, and then the baby will grow up knowing who I really am.
I give Sara the four bottles. She puts them in the baby's bag and says goodbye. Once Amber and Sara leave, I sit right next to Emy on the mattress. "See? She's so cold."
"How do you expect her to behave?"
I shrug.
"You left her and your baby as if nothing has ever happened between you two. You're trying to act as if she's your sister and that's not your baby."
"Well, she is my sister," I shout. "That's the truth; she is my fucking sister."
"You don't have to yell at me." I know Emy's sensitive right now, but I didn't expect her to cry.
"Shit, I'm sorry." Then I know why she's crying. She's afraid. Afraid of me and my anger. "I really didn't mean it."
"Yeah, that's what everyone says."
"What's that supposed to mean?" She shakes her head. "Emy!"
"It's nothing. I'm just tired." She chuckles through tears. "I'm moody, too."
"Why is our life so fucked up? All of us together?"
"Because we're fucked up." She laughs. "We have always been."
"Yeah." I chuckle. "You and Amber seem good." I try to investigate, hoping my paranoia is just...well, paranoia.
"We're okay." She wipes her tears. "I'm trying."
"I can see that." No, I can't.
I take her hand to give it a gentle squeeze. "All will be fine. Your daughter will be fine and your relationship will be fine. I hope Sara stops treating me like shit one day."
"Sara loves you; she won't treat you like shit forever."
"Maybe it's better for her to treat me like shit so she can pretend to hate me until she believes it."
"Really?" Emy rolls her eyes. "You've done so much shit to her yet she still stuck with you, do you think she'll ever hate you? She can't."
"I'll never unlove her, too."
"Why can't you just change your mind?"
Why? Why can't I just change my mind? I don't know, Emy. My mind is as confusing to me as it is to you and to everyone. I love her. I do. I want her. I think of her daily. In fact, I can't stop thinking about her. I love her but I can't be with her.
Can you even understand that, Sally? I'm not trying to be a jerk. I know I sound like one. I'm just trying to show you how much we both have suffered staying away from each other. And, trust me, that's just the beginning of it. I loved her way too much and even though I tried to stay away, I couldn't. She couldn't, too. You don't know that, my dear, because you haven't been in love. Once you are, I know for sure you'll understand. But I do pray to God you fall in love with someone that treats you well, someone not like me.
"I don't know," I simply say. "Just doesn't feel right. It will cause issues. Huge issues. We gotta fix the mistake not cover it up with another."
She shrugs with a sigh, resting her head on my shoulder. "Well, she's also upset because she can't do the breastfeeding thing you told her about."
"Which one?"
"The artificial lactation?" Emy sniffles. "She can't really do it. She has to take a lot of hormone replacement pills which will mess with her system. She's already on a lot of meds so the doctor said no way she should do that."
"Oh, I didn't think she'd be that quick consulting doctors. I just suggested it to calm her down."
"You don't know what she goes through every day. To her it was a ray of hope. I saw the way she cried every night trying to get Sally to sleep. I walked in on her trying to feed her from her breast and it was agonizing to see. She kept crying that Sally didn't feed from her and the baby was crying, too. It was just messy. She wants to feel like a real mother."
"A lot of mothers don't breastfeed. It isn't a big deal."
"To her it is. It's not her decision whether to breastfeed or not, so it is. She wants to be the one with the decision."
"God." I huff, brushing my hair backward. "She knows I'm not gonna breastfeed Sally for too long, right? I need to stop soon. The baby will grow and realize it."
"Yeah, she knows."
Like every night, I go to the guest bedroom where I spend the night alone. Sometimes I sleep quickly; sometimes I toss and turn till I fall asleep. I haven't touched myself since I tried to do it in the bathroom before I came here. Oddly enough, I have not been in the mood for that. It's like my libido has been dead since I gave birth. It's worrying but I guess it's just a result of my emotional state. I wonder if Sara touches herself each night daydreaming of us. Sometimes when I don't get enough sleep, I wish to call...make sure she's fine. I almost do, but I leave the phone and reach for the book I've been reading instead.
The next morning, I call Sara to check on Sally. I receive a cold answer with a frosty octave, "She's fine."
"Slept well?"
"Mmm."
"Okay. If you need anything, tell me."
"Mhm."
"You're okay?"
"Yes. Just didn't get enough sleep."
"Yeah. Same here. Pearl cried for three hours straight."
"Damn."
"Yup."
"Alright. I have to go bathe Sally."
"Okay."
I pump a little bit before I leave the room. Emy and Amber are both in the living room with Pearl crying.
"Okay, you're up," Amber says with a sigh. "Come help us, please."
"She's not feeding," Emy says. I look down at her exposed chest then up at her face. "She keeps pulling away."
"Alright, let me see." I sit next to her, taking a look at Pearl. She screeches immediately when I touch her face. "Okay, okay."
"What's wrong?"
"She just doesn't feel safe. It's fine." I glance at my friend's breast for a second then back at her face. "Why don't you pump for her?"
"I…I want to feed her directly."
"She has been feeding her for the past few days, what's wrong now?" Amber says.
"Is there milk?" Emy shrugs. "Did you test it?"
"I didn't." She hands the baby to Amber then puts her hand on her right breast, pinching her nipple. "Shit."
"Hurts, huh?"
"I don't have milk," she exclaims. "Why don't I have milk?" She starts panicking.
"Relax." I put my hand on her shoulder. "Just relax. It's fine. Just pump and it will…you know, come back."
"No, but I fed her a few hours ago and it was fine."
"Wanna go to the doctor and see?" Amber suggests.
"I think you guys need to relax. It happens to me, too."
"Really?" I nod. "Okay, umm…Amber, get me the breast pump."
"Breathe, Emy, just breathe," I say, hands over her shoulders.
If my friend stays like this, she's going to have a nervous breakdown soon.
Amber goes to work after awhile and I'm left with anxious Emy and a crying baby.
"Feed her," she tells me. "Please. She's hungry."
"You're pumping and you have milk. You feed her." I know, that's bitchy to say, but I won't feed somebody else's baby.
"It's not much milk. It needs awhile. She's hungry. Look, she's eating her hand." I look at the baby in the chair, saliva all over her tiny hand as she sucks it with closed eyes.
"Emy, no!" I whisper. "It's just weird."
"It isn't. I'd feed Sally if I could."
"Well, it's awkward enough for me feeding Sally so imagine how I feel about this."
"Why?" she inquires. "Why is it awkward?"
"It's just is. I'm not comfortable with the entire thing. I knew when I got pregnant that I would have to do it but I never felt comfortable with it."
"That's because you always viewed breasts as sexual parts."
"Well, aren't they?" I chuckle. "We suck on them when we have sex for God's sake."
"That's just what we humans do, but they're not meant for that. They're just means of nutrition for babies."
I snort way too louldy, which leads Emy to scowl.
"I hope Sara would hear you say that." She rolls her eyes at me. "She was so obsessed with, like, playing with them."
"Don't bring up you and Sara's past sexual experiences when you want to correct your mistake." You're just jealous, Emy. You are contradicting yourself right now.
"Well, I'm not gonna breastfeed your baby but I can give her milk I pumped in a bottle."
"Umm, yeah, try. Let's see if she's gonna take it."
Later that day I argue with my father over the phone. He doesn't think it's a great idea that I decided to stay with Sara. My mother likes the idea. Foolish woman, she thinks we're gonna be back together one day. I try to explain my point of view to my father, but there is no point. He has to agree, first. He's the one in charge of my future, till now. I need a job. I need to get back to my job. I must convince him to get me back working in his Vancouver branch but I know that's impossible since that's the main branch and everyone there is a professional. I don't even want to be a manager. I just want a normal desk job if I'm going to be living here. I can apply for jobs but I liked what I did before and I know if my father understood me, he'd give me everything I needed.
I don't need just that. I must get a house for Sara. I must get a place for me, too. Sara must find a job as well. I'm starting over financing myself and it's not the same, it's a bit too late. I don't even know where to begin but I know that if I convince my father, he'll be the starting point. I need his push more than ever, but he's only being selfish.
I visit Sara in the evening, telling her about my father and what he has said. I don't receive many comments from her. She mocks a bit with chuckles or sarcasm but I shake it off, knowing the emotional state she's in.
"I mean, if I have to, I'll go right there and beg him."
"I thought you didn't need his help," she says, rolling her eyes.
"I do need his help. He's the one who, you know, financially supported…us, back there in NYC when we first arrived."
"So you basically want his approval to get more money to spend on me?"
"No," I exclaim. "I want his approval because it will help me get back to the same job…but in here, it will help me stand on my own."
"Tegan, you have money, you can do that." She sighs. "I told you, I don't need your money. It's yours."
"I do have money but I can't be jobless." I hand her sleeping Sally then cover my chest. She stands up to take the baby to her crib. "Plus, I said I'm not gonna help you, I'm gonna help the kid…from our money. The money we saved for her."
"Fine, okay, whatever." She yawns. "How's Emy?"
"Fine." I shrug.
"Okay, umm, I have a therapy session…I mean…I'm the therapist. I have a patient. Online, I mean, so uh…"
"Okay, I'll go." I stand up. "I just wanted to check on Sally." And you.
"Thank you." She's cold. I have never seen her this cold except after I had hit her years ago. It's quite funny that someone so sweet can actually turn out to be this cold when harmed. I have no one but myself to blame.
...
Email to: Tegan Quin
From: Sally Smith
I do not hate you, Tegan. I do not hate the fact that you have hidden the truth from me, strove so hard to hide it, or the fact you did not want to be involved in my life. The one thing I hate is how you treated my mother. Don't try to victimize yourself and justify your actions. Don't even try bringing pity upon yourself with your dramatized words. Damn right, I won't fall in love with someone like you. I am not an idiot. Haven't you wondered why I have never been in a relationship? I don't even know anything about myself? Haven't you asked yourself that? I don't even know much about my sexuality because I pushed all my feelings aside. I watched my mother treat her partners like shit because she was so in love with you, then I watched you treat her like shit and I didn't understand why. I was young and I didn't get it. Then I watched my mother incapable of starting another relationship, growing attached to me and I'm attached to her. I watched you yell at her and hit her then watched her justify it as if it's nothing. I didn't understand human relationships and couldn't be in one because I thought that's how they all are. Not an excuse, though. Wow! I do sound just like you. Jeremy is right. Jeremy…Jeremy, though. He's in a good relationship. He's in a great one. I could have just followed his lead and learned from the best but of course I had a mother to babysit. Who's fault is that, though? Yours. It's always going to be yours! So, yes, I don't hate you. I just hate how you're the reason she's in a wheelchair now and you are hiding in a strange city thinking starting over will solve all these mistakes. Starting over is a bit too late right now, don't you think?
...
Response to: Sally Smith
From: Sara Smith
For a damn minute stop pointing fingers. It's a mistake. It has been made. She regrets it. Move on. We're trying to fix it, you not coming here and talking it out is only making it hard. If you actually do give a single fuck about me and what I've been through, you'd be here with me, you'd sit and listen. Don't be as cold-hearted and stubborn as Tegan, because that's exactly what has gotten us into this mess anyway. My problems with Tegan are for me and her to solve. If I decide to forgive her, that's my own decision and you cannot interfere with it. You are not allowed to send her threatening emails every other day when you don't want to continue reading the letters. What happened between me and Tegan is for me and her to be involved in and that's it. You don't have a saying, Sally. She never treated you badly so you cannot treat her badly. You either continue reading or you come here right now! Make your decision but don't attack without understanding anything.
...
"We just put the hearing aids on, come see Pearl's reaction," I yell as I open the door for Sara, already running towards the living room. I trip on the carpet, making a fool out of myself in front of the doctor sitting right next to crying Emy. "Did it work?" I look down at Pearl, face puzzled, staring at me. I look up at Amber, eyes are also in tears. "What's happening."
"Speak," Emy says. "When you spoke, she looked your way." Pearl tilts her head to look at her mother, who bursts in tears; heavy, loud sobs. I look back at Sara with her teary eyes and confused infant wrapped in a scarf around her body. "Look at her."
"This is…Oh my God," Amber says speechlessly, covering her face as more tears leave her eyes. I have never seen something as emotional and yet I cannot feel any of my tears falling because I honestly don't understand what's so great about it. A child couldn't hear and now she can thanks to technology and medicine, why would I cry? I'd be happy.
Soon the baby joins the tears, probably confused why everyone is crying. Her mother takes her to her chest and rocks her.
"Hey, baby girl. You happy? You can hear me. I'm your mummy. You can hear my heart now. Do you like that?" I think the baby doesn't like it because she's still crying.
"Whoa, too much," I mumble to Sara. "I need to sit down." She rolls her eyes at my lack of emotion.
The doctor stands up and Amber leads him towards the door. Sara sits next to me. "Is there something wrong with me that I can't feel…or get into this…moment?" I whisper. She shrugs. "Maybe because I have cried enough the past two months I can't bring myself to tears when it's a happy moment." She rolls her eyes. "It wouldn't kill you to say something," I mumble, but this time I don't even receive any facial expression.
When is this going to end?
Later on, I go to the bedroom I'm staying at with Sally in my arms. Sara has asked me to breastfeed her alone because Pearl hasn't stopped crying since earlier this afternoon. I close the door behind me and sit on the mattress, ready to have an alone time with my daughter.
"Hey," I whisper, looking at her in my arms. "Still drooling?" I wipe the saliva around her mouth with the sleeves of my shirt. "Thank you for not crying." I hope I'm not jinxing myself but I'm happy she's finally quiet in my arms. Maybe she's getting used to me. "Want food, Snowball?" I laugh when she sneezes. "Bless you," I whisper, already unbuttoning my denim shirt. I grab the pillow next to me and place it on my legs, then I put Sally there as I lower the left cup of my bra. "Okay, okay, you're hungry." She doesn't even give me a second before she latches on, making me laugh genuinely.
I don't know what happens next, but soon enough I find myself in tears, crying like I have never cried before; sobbing as if I have lost someone, and I did…I did lose someone. I'm feeding her and I'm crying and I can't stop. Anxiety takes the best of me. Thoughts begin to overwhelm me. What will happen next? I have no one anymore. Sara's not here with me anymore. Sara can't protect me and keep me sane anymore. Sara's not with me anymore. I hiccup and sniffle, making Sara barge in with a worried expression, ready to yell and shout.
"What's going on?" she exclaims. "Why are you crying? Your voice is loud." I shake my head and continue. She takes Sally away. Sally cries immediately.
"You're scaring her, stop!" She doesn't know that I can't. I can't stop. I'm having a panic attack. I can't stop. I need her to calm me down. I can't stop. God, I can't stop. I need help. I can't stop. "Okay, okay, calm down, calm down," she's yelling now and I can't tolerate that. "Tegan, calm down."
"Guys, what's going on?" Amber rushes in, eyes wide open as I cry and cry and cry louder than ever. "Whoa, what happened?"
"I…I don't know. I just came in and she's…can you take Sally for a second? I need to…" She nods in a horrific way. Yes, Sara, come here, save me from myself, please.
"Tegan," she says calmly. "Look at me." I shake my head. "You're having a panic attack. Look at me." She takes a hold of my wrist and I'm trying my best not to push her away. "Tegan, I…I'm not sure what's going on but please don't hit me. I can't…my back is still in recovery so please don't be violent." Her words only succeed to push me down. Breathing becomes hard, soon my eyes are blurry and Sara's holding my face, pushing the inhaler inside my mouth. "Tegan," she shouts. "Inhale." I'm too tired. I'm too tired. I can't do this. "Shit, Tegan, just inhale, please." Now she's crying along and I can both see and hear her tears before my eyes shut temporarily. I inhale and open my eyes. Once again, I inhale then cough. I cough and cough. She grabs my face with both hands looking right at me. "Tegan," she whispers, "breathe." I nod, trying my best to breathe, following her instructions.
"Lie down." I lie down and she covers me. "Shhh, it's fine. It's fine." She wipes my face with her cold hands. "You need to get back to your medicine." I nod, unable to say anything yet. "What…what happened?"
I can't even answer. She sighs.
"You just panicked?" I nod. "Like old times?" I nod. "Why?" I shrug, shivering from the cold. "You thought…you thought about…" I nod. "I shouldn't have left you alone with her."
"Please don't leave me alone," I manage to say. "Please, Sara, please."
"Tegan, I'm not the one who left, it's you."