Sara
Three weeks. It's been three weeks since Tegan has left to Calgary and I'm not sure she'll be back anytime soon. Three weeks I spent trying to get Sally to accept the formula. I get three calls every day from her to inform me about the conflict between her and her father…our father. I don't care about that. What I care about is her being here as she said. Yes, part of me is afraid she won't be coming back even though she says she will soon. I'm waiting for soon.
I'm also concerned about her health. It hasn't been the best lately. She said she'll see a therapist once she's back, she said she'll be back on the medication too; she said she'll try her best to take care of herself. Classic Tegan, she promises, but to no avail.
"I can't believe she's three months old," I sing, kissing Sally's forehead. Her saliva has covered the corners of her mouth. Emy thinks it's adorable, I don't like it.
"Pearl's poop is getting more solid so that's good." I turn around to look at Emy feeding her baby. She smirks when I wrinkle my nose. "Who knew, huh?" I walk to the couch to sit next to her. "Sara Smith and Emy Storey would be holding their babies and talking about baby poop and leaky nipples as if these are the hottest topics in town."
I laugh a little. "Well, no offense, Em, but that's what you talk about. I try to talk about more fun stuff."
"Like when you described your baby's puke?"
"Shut up." I point at her, laughing. "It's the price of aging."
"Okay, someone is full." She picks up her small baby and puts her against her shoulder. I stare at the helpless infant as her mother rubs her back gently, too scared she'll hurt a bone or scratch the sensitive flesh. "May God protect you, baby girl." Emy didn't even believe in God before.
"Umm, Em, could you?" I point at my baby. Poor Emy, she has been feeding two babies since Tegan left. She offered to do it; I was too scared to ask. She saw how in distress I was as I tried to force the bottle into my daughter's mouth so she kindly offered. I didn't say no. I couldn't.
"Of course, honey." I smile. "Just let me burp this little one."
We switch babies next. She takes Sally and I take Pearl. She keeps staring at me with worried eyes as I hold Pearl in my arms. I have never seen a mother as protective as Emy, and I guess I can understand why.
"Adjust her glasses," she tells me. I hate doing that. The baby hates it, too. She's forced to wear these tiny glasses that have no point right now because even a baby can barely see when they're just a month old. She was supposed to get those in another month but Emy insisted she'd put them now.
"Alright, but she might cry." Emy sighs. "Emy, she's a little baby. Even Sally's vision is not that clear now."
"She keeps looking around. Look at her!" I look down at Pearl; her eyes are three times bigger inside those glasses. Her ears are covered with hearing aids, and she has a rash on her body. Sometimes when she sleeps, Emy has to monitor her breaths; and sometimes, she has to wear a tiny oxygen mask to breathe well. Sadly, Pearl's room is like a tiny hospital. I'm not sure if Emy's that protective and obsessive or if the kid is that ill. I wonder if her brain will develop as normally as the other kids. I wonder, but I'm too afraid to ask Emy.
"Your daughter is enjoying my tits way too much," Emy hisses, closing her eyes.
"She can't be already biting you."
"She's pulling roughly at my nipple." I look down, laughing at the scene. "She's just hungry."
"You owe me, by the way."
"I'm ready to give you anything you want, my queen." I wink, and I know I shouldn't do that, but sometimes I need to joke around with her like she's my best friend, then I realize I can't even do that because she interprets it differently.
"Your queen could use a massage, to be quite honest."
"I'm terrible at that," I lie. The last thing I want is for Amber to come back from work to see me massaging her wife. "Something that I don't have to do with my hands, especially that they're busy right now." I gesture at her baby in my arms.
"Well I…" My phone rings, interrupting her.
I look at the ID, sighing. "Ugh this woman won't give up." I dismiss the call quickly, not even bothering.
"Which woman?"
"Some headmaster or whatever from a high school in here that wants me to work for them."
"Ummm, are you serious?"
"Yeah."
"Sara?" The phone rings again. I huff, already dismissing the call a second time. "Are you an idiot?"
"Look, it's not something I want to do. She found me on LinkedIn and has been chasing me since last month. I have a firking MA in clinical psychology; I'm not going to be a counselor to stupid teenagers."
"Wow, you're an idiot."
The phone rings a third time. I pick up because I know she will not stop calling unless I pick up and yell at her.
"Yes?"
"Ms. Smith," she greets cheerfully, "glad you finally picked up."
"Well, you don't take no for an answer so it looks like I have to make it clear again."
"I'm giving you a job, a job that you need, a job you'll do good at."
"Excuse me, Ms…"
"Reader," she reminds me.
"Yeah, right, Ms. Reader, I'm not quite sure who gave you the impression I'm in desperate need for your job because that's actually humorous to me that you think I will take what you're offering me."
"Everyone would love to take this job, Ms. Smith."
"Not me."
"Convince me why."
"I already did." Emy is staring at me with a grimace; her kid is also staring at me with those big eyes under the small glasses. My daughter is feeding happily.
"I'm not quite convinced."
"That is not my problem."
"Ms. Smith, everyone must start somewhere to get to where they want."
"Why don't you convince me why you want me so bad when you can get someone that's actually qualified for this job and would love to take it?"
"You think you're not qualified?" I can almost hear the smirk in her voice and see it well without even knowing her face.
"I think I am overqualified." Emy's eyes widen. She could kill me if she wanted.
"Is that so?" She chuckles.
"Yes."
"You may have a Master's degree in clinical psychology; you have practiced what you love for awhile, but you don't actually have any work experience related to your major, Ms. Smith."
"I'm aware of that." I take a deep breath. "I work at home. I am happy about that."
"Does it pay the taxes?"
"Why do you want me at your school, Ms. Reader? I have no experience in teenage counseling, I have never worked with kids, I don't know what they suffer from."
"I'm pretty sure you do. You are young. Kids would open up to a young woman. You are beautiful, kids also open up to a beautiful woman. The picture in your LinkedIn shows that you dress smartly and we care about that. Lastly, you are a queer woman and that's what we are looking for."
"Half of Canada is full of lesbians." Emy takes my arm and pinches. "Ouch."
"Excuse me?"
"Sorry, I hurt my…leg." I glare at my friend, who's about to murder me when I hang up.
"Ms. Smith, I'll pay you double the amount I had offered before."
"What?" I chuckle in disbelief.
"You heard me."
"Are you that desperate?"
"For someone as qualified as you, yes we are." I start to process it in my head. Double the amount means I'll live comfortably without Tegan's help, it means I'll finally be independent. Yes, I won't like the job much, but I'll finally depend on myself. "Already thinking about it?"
"I am."
"Tell you what, why don't you come to the interview tomorrow at nine?"
I chuckle. "There's an interview!" Of course, nothing is that easy, anyway. I always fail at interviews. "I…I can't."
"Why not? It's just a routine. The HR guy wants to interview you but the decision is still mine."
"I can't." I look at Emy, whose face shows nothing but deep disappointment in me.
"Why is that?"
"I have a baby." She seems taken aback; she doesn't respond. "I don't have a babysitter or someone to take care of her."
"I did not know you were a mother." Emy looks down at my daughter. She can't take care of Sally tomorrow because they have a doctor's appointment for Pearl. "You can't keep her with your partner?"
"I…don't have a partner."
"Bring the baby," she says quickly. "Bring her."
"What?"
"Bring her to the interview, I'll handle it. Don't worry about it."
"This is…" I spent years getting refused by everyone around me and all of a sudden I'm chased by this principal who would do anything for me to work at her school. I don't understand life. "Thank you?"
"I'll see you tomorrow, Ms. Smith."
I hang up the phone slowly, unable to really form any word as I stare at my friend's dilated eyes and promising smile. I want to scream but I want to seem cool about it, too. I might go there and not like it. I might go there but she changes her mind about the salary. I might go there and get rejected when she sees my personality. I might go there and she notices the stutter, makes fun of me, then tells me 'good luck,' regretting she spent so much time trying to convince me.
"Did you just nail a job?"
"I…"
"Oh my God," Emy screams, making her own baby shriek with a cry. "Oh, shit." She laughs. My baby is not feeding anymore, eyes wide at Emy's face.
"Chill." I rock her baby, hopefully she'll stop crying, but it seems that she's horrified. "You scared her."
"Aww, Pearla, my little Pearla, I scared you, baby?" she talks to her with a high tone, making me cringe. Do I sound that annoying with Sally? No, I'm probably cute.
"Anyway, it's just an interview," I say. "Don't really expect too much, something could go wrong."
"Like what?" she asks.
The door is being unlocked as we speak.
"Like, maybe, she'll see I'm not suitable enough?"
"Are you kidding me? She's begging you." The sounds of Amber's footsteps are close. "Why would she think you're not suitable enough?"
"Hello, girls."
"Hi, Amber," I respond.
"Hi, Bee," Emy greets with a smile. "Guess what? Sara got a job."
Amber walks up to me to take her whimpering daughter.
"Not yet." I glare at my friend.
"Hello, baby. How is my little sunshine?"
They're that kind of parents. I feel sorry for Pearl.
"Well, almost," Emy says.
"Look, for all I know the salary might not be what I want. She offered she'll pay me double just so I can go to the interview but I can't trust this woman. You know how society is."
"Which job?" Amber sits beside her wife, looking down at my daughter nursing. "So adorable, her hand on your boob, she's afraid you'll let go." I look down to watch my baby lost in her own happy world.
"Afraid she'll scream like a few seconds ago," I say.
"Why did you scream?" asks Amber.
"I was excited," Emy states. "Anyway, this principal from some school keeps chasing Sara to get her to work as a counselor for the school."
"That's so cool!"
"It's…it's not wh…what…"
Emy interrupts my nervous stutter, "It's not what she wants. She wants to work at a clinic where she, you know, helps people or whatever she does?"
Whatever she does. How nice. Not even my closest friend knows what I do. I want to be a therapist. I want my own clinic. I want to help people; people like me, like Tegan, like Emy. I want to know people, to study their cases, try to get them out of the dark places, listen to them, heal them, understand them, make them feel safe.
"Yeah, I mean isn't that why she majored in clinical psychology?"
"Thank you," I say.
"Yes, but she needs a job." Emy gazes at me. "You need a job with this new life. I don't get it." I shrug.
"Sara, I think you do need a job and I also think that this is not a bad start at all. It's way better than bartending, you know. You can always save till you have your own clinic."
"Yeah," I whisper. She makes sense.
"And no matter what the salary is, you shouldn't say no. I'm sure it's not going to be minimum wage. You're skilled, you're smart, and you are more than qualified, so I don't see why not."
"She's scared," Emy says, understanding me more than anyone else. I can see her smirk.
"Of what?"
"Rejection, disappointment, mockery," Emy says softly. She looks up to gaze at me again. "I don't blame you." Her smile is fading, eyes shiny. "You went through a lot, so I understand you. But this is an opportunity so don't waste it fearing you'll get rejected. Go there, do the interview, charm them with your beautiful smile, your smart mind, and your amazing personality. If they don't call again, well, that's their loss."
But I'll be the one crying in my small studio apartment at night. I'll be the one knowing for sure that there's an error in me. I'll give up if such thing happens. This woman has been calling me for a month, dying to get me to the interview; so if it didn't happen, I'll know for sure it's something in me.
"Yes, Sara, I agree." I nod, smiling politely. What can I say? Tell them my thoughts? They'll pity me. I'm already sick of self-pity; I don't need other humans to join.
"You're going to wear your grey suit tomorrow and look hot as hell, okay?"
"I'm going to an interview, not going to seduce, Emy."
"What? People like hot employees. That's why Amber makes me sit at the reception desk in the store."
Amber's laughter makes me happy. They're getting along and that alone is a miracle with all the shit that's going on.
…
I wake up three hours before I have to go to the school. My nerves wake me up not Sally. In fact, Sally gets a wonderful night's sleep for the first time since she was born. It does make me worry and check on her twice. She wakes up only once at three in the morning for a diaper change and food. She does't like the formula so she succumbs to soothing her hunger with the pacifier. But now she's still asleep and I can't sleep due to my anxiety. What if I forget the words?
I take the chance and shower. When I leave the bathroom, I find Sally's eyes widely open, trying to reach the little toys above her crib. "Morning." Her eyes shift towards me. "Slept well, Snowball?" She drools in response. "Nasty baby." I squeeze one of the animated snowmen in the mobile and it starts singing. Her hands go faster and faster, shaking as the jingle plays. "You like that?" She makes few incoherent sounds and drools more. "I guess drooling is a sign of acceptance."
I make sure not to drink much coffee so I wouldn't end up puking. I try to feed Sally again, both of us struggling as she pushes her head away whenever I force the nipple of the bottle in her mouth. "Baby, it's just milk. You'll be hungry till we get to Emy's. I have work." Just one more month and she's allowed to consume baby food. I honestly cannot wait and I fear she might hate that, too.
She pushes her face against my breast, not giving up when I move her face to the other direction. She does it every day without giving up. "Bad girl," I say. "That's your food. Come on," I whine. "I don't have milk, Sally. Just take this."
The problem is she doesn't understand.
"Don't give mama a hard time, baby." I try again but she ends up kicking and screaming. "Alright, alright. Stay fucking hungry." I know I shouldn't lose it, I know I shouldn't curse, but sometimes I can't take it. I place her back in her crib, crying and bothered. "I'll get dressed," I say, as if she can understand me.
Thank God Emy calls to check on me. I fill her in and half an hour later, Amber shows up with two bottles of milk my friend has pumped for her own daughter. I didn't ask Emy to pump for Sally, but she did it on her own. With the nerves, emotions, and anxiety, I end up crying.
"Sara, it's nothing," Amber says. "We don't want your chance ruined." I give her a hug because I don't even know how to thank her. "I wish we can babysit Sally, but, you know, doctor's appointment."
"I know." I smile, wiping my tears. "Don't worry about it." I wipe but they still fall. "How did I get so lucky having you guys?"
"Sara, come on, you're ruining your makeup."
"I'll put it again, it's fine. I still have an hour."
She hugs me again then says goodbye.
When Sally sees me with the bottle again, she starts crying before I even get it close to her.
"Wow, you hate it that much?" I pick her up, praying to God she won't puke on my white shirt or grey pants. "Oh, let's put you in your chair."
She refuses the image of the bottle so I force her mouth open and she'd rather suck my own finger than the milk of the formula. When she senses the taste in the bottle, she closes her eyes, finally willing to nurse in peace. "You know, now I'm wishing you didn't sleep well last night so you'll fall asleep while I have my interview."
Sally; however, is wide awake and insanely active with her hand movement as I get to the huge school. "Wish mama luck, Snowball." I kiss her forehead before I walk inside.
The school is very quiet and that's because it's summer vacation. I don't know much about high schools. I graduated millions of years ago. I don't even know much about teenagers. I didn't get to spend much time with Joy during her teenage years. The only thing I remember is her taking a flight to our NYC apartment because she thought she's pregnant. Back then Tegan and I could barely handle the situation properly. It's quite funny; I used to work as a barista in a skimpy outfit. My main concern was not finding a proper job, not being able to depend on my person. I wish I can get back to those times when I was blinded and ignorant. If Oedipus is alive today, I know he'll stick pins in my eyes, and I might love it.
Thankfully, before I get myself all caught up in my own dark thoughts, I find what seems to be the reception. I walk up to the old woman behind the counter. "G…Good morning?" I look at my watch quickly: 8:47.
"Good morning," she greets, scanning my baby. "You're here to register your kid?" She lowers her glasses, scanning the people sitting in the chairs behind me. I turn around to look at the back. A few people are sitting there, probably waiting for their turns. What if I took their places? The sound of the constantly ringing phone is beginning to irritate me. "Are they here? Because this is a high school, ma'am."
"Uh…no, no." Do I seem that old? Maybe I should have put more makeup. It wouldn't have looked professional, though, right? "I'm here for an interview."
"An interview?" She raises her brows, making the lines on her forehead jump up, growing more prominent. "Oh…" She shakes her head. "You're the new counselor." She sighs.
New counselor? Am I already in? Where is that Stacy woman? Is she some freak?
"Uh…"
"Wait a minute," she interrupts, picking up the phone, but there's another one still ringing and I would love to pick it up and shout in it. "She's here, Ms. Reader." I wait as the woman hums. I look around me at the brightly colored walls. Yellow is a nice color, but definitely not on these walls. I look behind me and find a few rooms, some are all covered in glass and some are not. I read the sign on one and it says Principal Reader. The one on its right says Vice Principal Landon. This one is in glass. Nobody is inside, though. There's another room without any name on the left of the principal's room. "Ms. Smith?" I look back at the old lady. "You can wait here for a minute, Ms. Reader will be right here with you. Sit, please."
I nod, already searching for a yellow chair far away from people but not too far so they wouldn't think I have issues. Once I find my perfect spot, I look down at my daughter, well tucked inside the purple sling. "We're good so far, Snowball? What do you think?"
"Ms. Smith?" I look up immediately, frightened by the sudden rasp of the voice above me. A woman stands up there. Tall, very tall. Taller than any other woman I have met. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but right now as I am sitting here dumbfounded, she seems to be as the tallest woman in the world. She reaches out her arm to me. I stand up quickly, shaking her hand. Mine are sweaty, hers are cold. "I'm Stacy Reader." My eyes widen. She laughs melodically.
"You're…young." Beautiful, too. She's nothing like I've imagined. I for once did not think she would look this young, I did not think she would have dark hair, I did not think she would have blue eyes, would be that tall. I did not imagine her in a black suit. I did not imagine that her lips would be colored red. I did not imagine a young woman.
She laughs, thankfully not weirded out by my reaction. How did I not look her up on LinkedIn? That's where she found me. Why am I so stupid? "How old do you think I am?"
"Certainly younger than me." She shakes her head, still laughing. Even Sally's staring at her.
"I am as old as you are." She can't be. She's a principal. She can't be. "I turn thirty-three in October."
"But…how?" She looks back at the old woman, laughing. I feel like a fool.
"Why don't you come to my office so we can chat, Ms. Smith?"
"You can call me Sara." I can't let her call me Ms. Smith and she's that…well, beautiful.
"Okay, Sara, follow me." I follow to the room I previously read her name on. I enter a very nice-smelling room. It's spacious and the sun gets to it nicely from the open window. "Sit down." I take a seat and she sits in her own place behind her desk. My baby is making tiny, lowered noises and I'm hoping she won't cry soon. "How are you, Sara?" She smiles warmly at me, eyes shifting towards Sally.
"I'm great, how are you?" I force a smile, trying to follow every tip about interviews I've read on the internet.
"I'm great now that you're here." She smiles at flabbergasted Sally. I look down to find Sally's eyes dilated, staring at the bright colors of the room. "I'm actually shocked you have a baby."
"Yeah, so is everyone I know." She laughs.
"How old is she?"
"Twelve weeks."
"Whoa." Her brows rise and her irises shift towards my body. She thinks I can't see the quick glance, but I know she's trying to see if I have the body of someone who has just given birth and, thankfully, I actually do. "You don't seem like it…" She touches her forehead in embarrassment. "I mean…you don't seem like someone who has just given birth a few months ago."
I shrug. I don't know what to say.
"Well, Sara, I don't want to make this annoying and hard for you so I'll just start." I nod, waiting impatiently. "I'll be very honest with you, Sara. Last year was a tough one in here. I'm not sure if you are surrounded by a teenager or have been, but I think the general knowledge about them is that they are quite hard to handle."
"My sister, well, she's going to college in few months, but yeah, she's the closest I have to knowing a teenager, but she doesn't live here."
"Mmm." She hums, nodding. I look down at her desk, trying to avoid the awkward looks. "Well, our previous counselor was not quite qualified dealing with the kids…"
"What makes you think I am?" I interrupt her.
Her mouth hangs open for a second, then she forms a smile. "As I was saying, our previous counselor had some issues with a couple of students. He was a bit old and closed minded. We received some complaints from parents about things he said regarding…"
"Homosexuality?" I interrupt again, chuckling. "So I'm here because I'm gay."
"About the LGBTQ community in general." She's still smiling. How can she stay so calm and collected? "You're here because I have a feeling you're going to do a wonderful job."
"How do you know that?" I insist.
"Sara, why are you so self-deprecating? Why can't you be confident?"
She shuts me up, making me look at her without being able to release a single word.
"You seemed to be the most qualified for this job amongst the profiles I looked at and the resumes I've received this last month."
I nod. I don't want to argue anymore.
"You're the only one who thinks this job is hard. I talked to other people, Sara. All of them actually had experience in that field. They think it's a piece of cake. When I ask them about their views on certain things and how they would deal if a kid wanted help in some certain topics, they don't know how to answer, or they give me a biased answer, some of them tell me what they think is right for them. I am not an idiot. I have a psychology degree from Stanford, an MED in higher education from British Columbia, and now I'm doing my PhD in social work."
"Wow." I am speechless. I did not think this woman was that informed. I misjudged her. "It seems like you're more suitable for the job than me."
"I did work as a counselor in several schools." She laughs. "But, when I navigated through your profile, it seemed to me that you were just the person I was looking for."
"Thank you!" I smile, squeezing my daughter's hand subconsciously.
"Alright, what's going to happen now is simple. Mr. Landon will interview you."
"Not the HR?"
"This is s a public school, Sara. We're the HR." She laughs more. It's sweet, I have to say. "Anyway, he has to agree, too. I can't really force my opinion down his throat. I don't want to worry you, but he seemed to be a bit on the fence about you not having any experience." I nod, not able to do anything but smile because I know good things don't happen and aren't that easy for me. "Don't worry about it much. I just need you to be a bit more confident, please." She flashes her teeth, extending her arms out. "Give me your child; I'll take care of her while you're in there." I blink twice, it makes her laugh again. "Relax! Give me the baby so you can get interviewed." If this woman becomes my boss, I'm sure as hell going to forget about that and just treat her as someone I know.
"She's just…she gets fussy around strangers. She gives people a hard time usually." I hesitate, looking at Sally sucking on her hand.
"It's fine." She smiles. "I love babies." I hand her Sally but instantly hear a shriek from my daughter. "Oh, it's fine, it's fine. I won't bite." Stacy laughs, rocking her gently. "What's her name?"
"Sally."
"What a beautiful name." Sally calms a little. I take a tiny stuffed toy from the baby's bag and hand it to Stacy. "Umm, you can use this, it's…it makes a sound and she likes it."
"Alright." She takes the toy, immediately squeezing it. Sally calms down right away. "So, uh, you've seen that glass office next to mine?" I nod. "He should be there by now. You can go there and then, I suppose, you both will come back here for some feedback." I nod with hesitancy, trying my best to tame my nerves but failing to. "Good luck, Sara!" She smiles, not at me, at Sally.
The man notices my discomfort and the tremor in my voice almost right away. He asks me why my legs are shaking and why do I keep moving my hand when I speak. I tell him it's a habit. He says it's a bad one. I've always been interviewed by men and I know the initial thought they think of me. I know they think I'm a loser. I know they see themselves better. They try to belittle me, quiz me, challenge me. Even Tegan used to feel that while she ran an entire company. I bet Stacy feels that even though she's the boss of this man.
"What do you think you can offer to the teenagers in here?"
"Guidance, counseling, advice, comfort. I'd offer what a counselor should offer. I'd listen to them, try to make them feel better, try to solve their problems."
"Mmm." It feels like he's trying to penetrate his way into my brain with his seaweed eyes. "You know what your job would be?"
"I suppose. Ms. Reader gave me some information."
"Mhm." He looks down at my resume in his hand. "You have to provide career guidance as well. We're not talking therapy here, Ms. Smith."
"I'm aware of that." I force a smile only to respond to his fake one.
"Ms. Reader mentioned something about you having a baby?"
"Yes. I have a newborn." He, too, gives me the same look Stacy gave me, except Stacy did not seem as if she held a camera focused on my body. He; on the other hand, stares for too long, forcing me to cover my shirt with the blazer, making him snap out of his thoughts.
"How are you going to manage work and a baby?"
"Like any other working mum." He squints. "Don't you have teachers with children in here?"
"We do."
"Well, then, why are you asking me?"
"You're a single mother with a newborn." He shrugs.
"So?" I shake my head. "You're trying to tell me a single mother cannot work? I believe we're the ones who need the job more than others." I'm trying my best not to be less professional, but it seems to me like I'm losing the battle once again.
"No, on the contrary." He smies. "I'm just worried you might not be able to do both. We faced that problem with a couple of teachers. Let me tell you, being a single father isn't easier. Sometimes I have to leave because my kid needs me. Sometimes his school calls. Sometimes he's sick so I have to stay home."
"Oh, I didn't know you're a single father." And does that mean just because it's hard for him it has to be even harder for me? Men are hilariously irritating sometimes.
He nods, taking another look at my resume'. "So you have family to leave her with? A babysitter?"
"I do have friends and a…family member but I haven't discussed that with them yet." If Tegan comes back, will she babysit her? Is she going to say yes?
"Well, you better do that soon because we want you to start in August. Principal Reader herself is giving a training seminar. It's going to be interesting." He shakes his head with a mocking laugh, but that's not what catches my attention.
"You're saying I'm in?"
He looks up at me with a confident smile. "You are, Ms. Smith. Welcome aboard! Glad to have you as one of our team."
I try to tame my emotions, my tears, my excitement. My insides are shaking. I don't want to show it.
"Let's discuss salary and rules, shall we?" I nod immediately, trying my best to hold my breath.
I have to tell my mother first. She deserves to know first. She will be happy. She will be proud. Emy will cry, I know. We'll cry together. Rob will be happy, too. What about Tegan, though? She's the only one I'm not sure will be happy for me. She's going to realize I don't need her money anymore.
I have always dreamed of this day, finding a good job, getting the salary I wanted, working with nice people, being independent. I have always dreamed of the day people would actually want me to work for them. I wish my dad can see this. I know he'll be proud. Sally will be proud of me when she grows up. She'll have a mother who did everything for her. She won't think I'm a loser.
I look outside as we are speaking; I spot Principal Reader carrying my daughter, standing outside. Her smile is proud. I smile at her. When I leave, she's speaking to the woman at the reception.
"Congratulations," she tells me. "See, I got you working for me."
"Thank you." I reach for my daughter and when I take her, I notice the huge stain on the woman's blazer, making me gasp. "Did she…"
"She puked on me, yes." Stacy's smile isn't fading. "It's fine. Don't worry about it."
"I'm so sorry." I start to panic. "I…I….let me, I'm so sorry."
"It's fine," she says. "Really, it's fine. I'll wash it."
"Let me…I don't know, pay for it? For the laundry? I'm so sorry."
"Sara, calm down, she's just a baby who puked." The old woman behind the counter is staring at both of us, her glasses on the brim of her nose as she's inspecting.
"I feel embarrassed."
"Why?" She laughs.
"Let me make it up to you. She probably ruined your jacket."
"How about we grab coffee tomorrow?"
"Yeah, okay, yeah. Coffee. On me, okay?"
"Mhm." She's smiling, already writing down her number. "That's my personal number and address."
"Okay, yes. I'm so sorry."
"I'll call you after work."
"I have to…"
"No." She laughs. "You don't have to come to work. You start in August."
The first thing I do when I get home is calling people that care about me one after the other. My mother's happiness about the news is what makes me even happier about my new job. Emy's right, I should start somewhere and there's no need to be scared. Joy is called next but, apparently, she was already home when I called mum, so she already knows. She tells me how proud she is then asks me to provide new pictures of Sally as if I don't already do that every day. Next, I call Rob because Emy's still not home. We talk for awhile. He fills me in about his new gigs and the new people he has been in contact with, thinking he might finally start working for a known band soon. I fill him in on my mummy duty, Sally, and my excitement for the job.
"If your dad didn't insist on you staying in college, you'd have been in the band, and we probably would've been famous by now."
I laugh at his childish imagination. Rob never grows up. "I wouldn't have met Tegan."
"You wouldn't have found that Psychology is actually what you're really good at."
"And wouldn't have had my Snowball." I kiss my baby a few times on her forehead, making her move her hand quickly with happiness. "She's so cute. You should see her. She's starting to move, like, a lot. Like her hand and feet. She's always drooling. She makes these adorable sounds, too. And she stares at me with wide eyes when I speak. Just like now." Her eye color has been fixed on grayish green for awhile. It's quite unique. It's an eye color I haven't seen on a lot of people. Jeremy doesn't have this eye color nor Tegan. My eyes lean towards green often. Tegan's more towards a yellowish hazel. However, Sally's are not like ours nor even blue like her father's; it's a special mixture.
"Maybe I'll visit soon. What do you think?"
"Yes! I'd love that."
He laughs. "Alright. I'll tell you before I do."
Emy calls after half an hour. I mute the television and pick up. "So, tell me," she yells into my phone.
"Relax."
"What happened? You left three missed calls, I better hear good news."
I can't help not to laugh at her jovial energy. That's how I know she cares about me and my happiness and wishes the best for me. "I got it."
I hear another scream, like the one that scared the shit out of her baby yesterday.
"Emy," I whine into the phone.
"I'm just happy."
"You better not have screamed that in your baby's ears."
"She's asleep and doesn't have the hearing aids on."
"How did it go?" I ask. "The doctor's appointment."
"Well, I'm trying to ignore it."
"Em." I sigh. "Don't bottle it up."
"Sara, it's the same old. She's just not..."
"She's normal." I sigh again. "Don't say she isn't."
"She's ill." I can hear the grief in her voice; quiet, defeated, indifferent. "I can't do anything about it."
"Yeah," I mutter.
"But I'm happy for you," her tone changes once again. "Tell me about that woman. Was she nice? The Reader one?"
"God, Emy, you have no idea." I sit up in my bed, looking over at Sally in her crib. She's not asleep, but, surprisingly, she's been quiet enough for the past few minutes without crying for me. "She's the same age as me."
"Shut up," Emy exclaims.
"No, I'm serious. Very tall. Good looking. Brunette. Blue Eyes. She's not bad at all."
"That's good." Emy's laughing.
"She's actually so nice. She offered to keep Sally with her as the vice principal interviewed me alone and Sally didn't make a lot of scene when I left her. But when I came back, I found out Sally had puked all over her blazer and I felt so fucking guilty."
"Oh, shit."
"I know. So I was, like, please let me do anything to make it up to you. So she was like how about we get coffee tomorrow? And I was like, okay, coffee on me."
"Wait, what?" Emy shouts.
"What?"
"She asked you out and you said yes?"
"What? No. She didn't ask me out."
"She did!"
"Emy, no. It's because I offered to make it up to her."
"You're such an idiot." Emy huffs. "I swear I had a feeling that woman was into you. She literally chased you for a month based on a picture and the fact you're gay."
"You mean I'm not worthy enough to chase when it comes to work?"
"That's not what I meant." Her anger is rising. My impatience is increasing. "Sara, she likes you. She offered to take Sally. Nobody likes babies, trust me. She also found the opportunity and took it."
"But…" Emy can't be right. That woman doesn't even know me. I'm not even ready to be with someone or to be liked or like someone. My life is a mess at the moment; I can't bring anyone into this mess. "Emy, she can't like me. It's…it's hard right now. These things. I bet she's just nice because, like, are co-workers even allowed to date? She's my boss, not even my co-worker."
"Umm, in my high school our principal dated my math teacher and she got knocked up in the middle of the school year. It was funny."
"Emy, I'm serious. I'm a single mother with no experience of work, mothering, or being alone. My life is a mess in all directions and you know that too well. Nothing will happen. Absolutely nothing."
...
After I finish feeding Sally in the evening, I put her down on my thighs as I sit up against the headboard with knees up. She's very small and fun to hang out with, even though she understands absolutely nothing of what I blabber into her ears every day.
"You had your dinner," I say, chewing on the pasta I made for myself. "Now it's mummy's turn to have hers." I take another bite, watching her eyes shift to my mouth. "You want that? Hmm, I can't wait till you have teeth and stop crying about boobs…unless you're gay, then you'll probably cry about boobs a lot when you grow up. I know, I know, that's inappropriate. Mummy's bad." I wipe some of the saliva collected on her chin with her snowman bib. "So, you're proud of mummy? Even though you're only shaking your hand right now, I think that means a yes." I giggle when she makes a squealing sound. "I think you're my lucky charm." That's when I hear a knock on my door. "Who is it?" I say loudly, too lazy to get out of bed. "Why do they interrupt mummy and Sally time? Huh, Snowball? Why?"
"It's me." I hear her voice loud and clear. It's her. It's Tegan. "Open the door."
I put Sally down on her tummy and quickly walk to the door, unlocking it then opening it. Tegan comes in quickly, dragging two suitcases and…Cyndi's bag. I kneel down, unzipping it to let Cyndi out. "Oh, my God, Cyndi. I missed you." I try to get a hold of my cat, but it runs away from me. "Thank you!"
"It's not for you!" She says sharply. "I wanna keep it," her tone softens. "Please," she whispers. "You have Sally."
Sally! I look back to watch the cat around Sally, both of them fascinated by one another. I guess it's true cats love babies and babies love cats. Sally is trying to reach Cyndi and Cyndi is trying to reach my pasta plate.
I walk up to my daughter to pick her up after letting Tegan in. My…sister pants and breathes heavily, sitting on a chair. "I didn't think you'd be back."
"I said I would," she looks up at me, eyes narrowed. "I'm sorry I didn't call."
"Are you okay?" I grab a water bottle from the fridge and put it on the table. She reaches for it, chugging half of it. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand then shakes her head. "Is it your asthma?"
"I have the flue."
"Oh." I back away, not wanting Sally to get any infection. "Can I stay the night? I…" She coughs. It sounds horrible. "I'm gonna work here. I mean, dad's company. But, you know, just an assistant to the manager." She shrugs.
"So you'll be a Joe?" She looks up at me, smiling when she sees my smile. Should I tell her about my job or is it not the right time? I really don't know.
"I'll be a Joe," she says, voice cracked. "I wanna hold her but I don't want…"
"Yeah, I think you shouldn't."
"Umm, I pumped for her. It's in my backpack."
"You still…" I point at her chest. She looks down out of reflex then looks up at me, nodding. "I thought you…"
"No, I wanna feed her till she's at least six months old."
"Thank you." I smile again. She only nods this time, coughing more. "Emy, umm, fed her while you're gone."
"Oh." She sighs. "I guess that's…kind of her."
"Yeah. It's really kind of her."
I sit down on the opposite side of her, staring deeply into her eyes. I shouldn't do this; I shouldn't let our emotions wake up. "You promised you'd get help." She nods, tears already in her eyes.
"I will."
"When?" I ask.
"I just need to settle down. I'll go house-hunting tomorrow."
I nod.
"I need a shower. Can I?"
"Go ahead."
When she disappears into the bathroom, I make sure to prepare something for her to wear once she's out. I hold my cat, something familiar, something that smells like home, like the good times. "I missed you."
Tegan's phone rings next. I look at the caller ID. Sonia. I take a deep breath and pick up.
"Hello?"
"Tegan," she says breathlessly.
"Sara," I correct her.
"Thank God," she says. "Where is she?"
"In the shower."
She huffs angrily. "She's punishing me. She's punishing me for something I didn't even know about."
I can't answer her. Tegan is punishing everyone including herself. She's punishing her own daughter as well. I can't say anything.
"Listen, she's been in the hospital for the past week. Three asthma attacks in a row."
"What?"
"She didn't tell you, of course." Sonia sighs. "She was supposed to stay home and rest during this week. I woke up this morning, she was gone."
"I didn't know that."
"Just take care of her," she mutters in agonizing defeat. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything." I can't respond to her again. She doesn't know what we're going through. She can't feel it. "I wish I can take the time back. I wish I had kept my mouth shut. I didn't. I should have."
"It's too late to think of that right now."
Honestly, with everything that's happening in my life lately, I know by now that Sally's my lucky charm. I want to start anew and I don't want to keep reminiscing about something I can't even change. Tegan didn't choose her family, so why should I choose her? I'll take care of her till the end of time, but my life won't stop just because she deserted our past and future.
I finish the phone call and get inside the bathroom after two knocks.
"I have a towel for you."
"Thanks," she answers from behind the curtain. "I need a few things from my suitcase."
"Mmm?"
"My toiletry bag, tampons, my hairbrush, and some clothes."
"I got you some clothes. Umm…they're mine…" She shows her rosy wet face from behind, holding the rest of the thin blue material. "Yeah, these are good. I just need some fresh underwear, please."
I nod, almost stepping out before she calls me back again.
"Sara?"
"Yes?" I say without looking back.
"Thank you."
I nod, walking out to get her whatever she needs.
I fix her a plate when she leaves the bathroom while she softly cries on my bed. I don't need to ask her to know that she's exhausted and anguished.
"You can eat on the bed…it's fine," I say. "Your mum called."
She looks up with bloodshot eyes. "What did she say?"
"That you're sick."
"She told you?"
I nod.
"My immune system is fucked," she whispers, taking her first bite. "They don't tell you anything about pregnancy or what happens to your body after it." She chuckles, sniffling. "I feel like I lost all my energy."
"It's because you're tired. Get some rest." I get up to pick up whining Sally. "Time for a diaper change, Snowball?"
I try to ignore Tegan for the remaining moments, not because I want to hurt her; it's because I just don't wanna hurt myself.
Her heavy breaths and whimpers keep me awake all night. I guess I'm worried she'll get another attack. I check on her, I try to make it unnoticeable, until she notices it, grabbing my hand. I let go quickly.
"I'm in pain," she cries. "I can't sleep."
I switch on the lamp on my bedside table, taking a look at her sweaty brow and white lips. I take a hold of her hand, it's burning. She squeezes.
"What do you feel?"
"I'm just tired."
"Is it because of your period?" She nods. "Painkillers?"
"I took." She shivers, covering herself more. "It's my first after the, you know, pregnancy and all that. Like, the first normal one."
"Is it normal? I read they can be tiring at first until your body starts to adjust."
"Yeah. I'm tired. I'm in pain. I hate my body and what it's doing to me."
I should have been the one who carried. I'm stronger. I know I don't seem like it but I'm ten times stronger than her.
I don't get a minute of sleep because of Tegan and my baby. When morning comes, I notice that Tegan's temperature has risen greatly, getting me worried. I change the cold towels upon her forehead every few minutes, but no use.
"What if you're getting toxic shock syndrome?"
She furrows her brows, shaking her head. "No. It can't be. I'm fine. I'm just sick."
"I just think it's better if you remove the, you know, tampon for now. Just use a pad."
"Uh…I guess I should." I help her sit up. She's dizzy, fumbling and stumbling around till she reaches the bathroom.
I take my phone, guiltily dialing up Stacy, I hope she can understand.
"I was waiting for your call," she says as soon as she picks up. Her voice is raspy and gentle.
"I'm very sorry," I begin. "My…" My what? My sister? Ex-lover? What should I say?
"Are you okay?"
"My sister's really sick. She's in the hospital," I lie. I have to lie, else she won't understand.
"Whoa, really? What's…what's wrong?"
"Asthma attack. I need to stay with her. It happened last night."
"Oh." That's when I hear the loud disappointment. "You should."
"I'm sorry," I say.
"For what?"
"The, uh…coffee plans today."
She laughs softly. "Don't worry about it."
"I'll make it up to you."
"I hope your sister gets well soon, that's what's important now. We can always have coffee together now that you're working with me."
"Yeah." I smile because it seems that she actually does understand. I have to call her as soon as Tegan's well. I have to make it up to her. "Expect a call in few days, though."
"I'll be waiting for it."
Later Amber picks us up to take Tegan to get a checkup. I leave Sally with Emy, hoping she can manage both babies alone. Tegan gets examined, does a bunch of tests, then we spend the time waiting for the results.
"Who was that woman you were talking to?" Tegan asks me.
"Which woman?" I play dumb, I know who she means.
"The one on the phone that you cancelled your plans with." Amber's eyes glance at us for a second then shift away to stare at the strangers in the room. Looks like Emy has already told her.
I have to say something. I have to tell Tegan, anyway. I don't know what will her reaction be but I'm scared.
"Sara?" she says, eyes questioning.
"I was offered a job."
"Really?" her cracked voice doesn't show disappointment…or any other emotion. "What type of job?"
"Counselor in a high school?"
"Oh, wow." She seems excited, but I could be mistaken. "That's awesome." I look at her, not sure if she's serious or sarcastic.
"Yeah, I was supposed to meet up with this woman to discuss the work strategy. She's my boss."
Tegan nods.
"Ms. Quin?" a nurse calls.
"Yes?"
"Follow me, please."
"Uh…I…" She stands up, hesitant and reluctant, looking back at me as she follows the nurse.
"You should follow her," Amber says. "She wants you."
"I'm not sure I should…"
"Do it, Sara."
So I do it. We sit in front of two doctors. One is talking about Tegan's respiratory issues and the other is discussing getting her on the pill to fix her menstrual cycle. At least nothing's serious. I don't have to worry anymore. She gets some vitamins prescribed before we get back to Emy's place, where we find her watching TV with both her daughter and mine in their baby chairs, eyes fixed on the screen.
"Hey, do you think Pearl can see what's going on or is she confused?" Emy asks as soon as we sit down.
"She can't yet," Amber says. "The doctor said a baby's vision isn't that clear during the first few months and she already has trouble seeing."
"Then why is she looking at the screen as if she wants to jump in there?"
"She likes the sounds," her wife answers impatiently.
"Anyway, what's up? What did the doctor say?" she asks Tegan but looks at me.
"Just need some rest and vitamins."
"Aren't you taking any?"
"I was but I stopped them. I mean, look, Emy, pregnancy fucked my body, literally. You're gonna suffer."
"Already doing it." The monotonous conversation slowly excludes me, driving my mind to wander even if my ears are present.
"No, seriously. My boobs only leak. My nipples are purple. My ass is the size of a table but somehow flat and saggy, my vagina's somehow stretched even more than a month ago. I got a period from hell; I think I gave birth to Satan while getting it to be honest."
"Whoa," Amber says, chuckling. "Your description is pretty graphic."
"She's right, though." Emy rolls her eyes. "You don't know because you haven't tried it."
Ouch.
"And I should have taken it as a sign not to make anyone else try it when I learned I'm infertile." She slams the plate against the table as I avoid looking at any of the people sitting in the room. Looks like drama is still heavy between them.
Tegan and I discuss it at night before falling asleep. She pumps and I feed Sally from the bottle.
"It's intense," she says.
"I actually thought they're working it out."
"Yeah, for the sake of Pearl but they won't stay like that forever. This is hell."
"At least they can pretend it's not." She looks at me. No, she stares at me. Eyes fixed for too long that for a moment I think she's going to lean in and kiss me, everything will be alright, we'll make up, we'll be one family.
But none of that happens. "I'm sorry," she says. "I wish I can make you feel…less shitty. I wish I can show love to you again without being disgusted with myself. I wish I don't feel guilty every time I think about you and how nice it would be if I came back and we carried on with our lives as if nothing has happened."
I nod. I don't understand, but I'm tired of begging.
"But something in me has died," she admits in the dead of night. "Something towards you has died. It's frozen. I still love you, for sure, but I can't ever be with you."
"Stop talking," I say. "Stop it."
Two days pass and Tegan's much better. She leaves during the day and comes back in the evening. I'm not exactly happy we're sharing a bed again but she doesn't want to stay at Emy's with that heavy atmosphere between Emy and Amber. I don't blame her; I don't even like visiting Emy when Amber's around so I mostly do that during the morning when she's at work. I also can't force Tegan out. She insists on getting me a place to stay at even when I don't want that. She says she's doing it for Sally not for me. I think I'm going to be implicitly blackmailed forever. I can't do much about it because I can't really stay in this small place anymore. It's torturous. I can't even talk on the phone without waking up Sally. I can't watch the TV without doing that. I can wait till I start working, then I can pay my own rent and get my own place, but Tegan wants it now. Maybe she just feels guilty and that's the only way she can make it up to me. After all, isn't that how our father dealt with her? Money solved problems to them. Money made her happy. Money made it all up to her. She thinks I'm like her.
I take the chance to arrange a meeting with Stacy once again. We agree on noon the next day. I choose a small coffee house two blocks away from where I'm staying. She knows the place, says she likes it. I hope she does. It's very cozy and warm. I like cozy places. I like a calm atmosphere. I like listening to the quiet chatter of people as they sip their coffee and chat about whatever is there. I like the soft sound of music. I like listening to the coffee machines and the workers taking orders. I like all that because it reminds me of the café Tegan has worked at when we were in college. I like those beautiful memories.
I leave Sally with Emy. She offers keeping her, in fact. I was worried about taking her with me. I don't want Stacy to think I'm that mother whose child is too attached to them; she might think I won't do my job properly. Though, I'm still worried Emy might not be able to handle two babies at the same time. I told her to call me if things get out of control. I hope they don't.
I reach before Stacy. I choose a place beside the window and wait for her. She arrives only ten minutes later. My nerves make me stand up, greeting her with sweaty palms. She's in her work attire obviously. Today she's in a navy blue suit. It's tighter than the one she has worn before, but the pants are wide enough from the bottom. She looks elegant and beautiful.
"Sorry if I'm late," she says. "Some parent wouldn't shut up." She laughs sitting down.
"I'm sorry I chose this time…I…I forgot."
"Oh, we finished work. During summer break we finish at 12:30." She laughs sweetly.
"Okay, good." I stand up. "So, how do you like your coffee?"
"Oh, I see, still want to make it up to me. The blazer is fine by the way. I wore this one today because I was hoping you'd bring Sally, she'll throw up on me again, then you'll have to make it up to me again, we'll go on a coffee date once again."
Oh.
Emy's right.
"Uh…well, don't worry. I can always spill your coffee on you because I'm clumsy."
"Then that means we have a lot of coffee dates ahead." She's flirting and I'm liking it. I don't want that. Please stop. "Black. No sugar."
"Huh?"
"My coffee," she reminds me. "Black. No sugar."
"Yeah, yeah."
Conversation moves smoothly and gets more serious as we sit down and talk about the job. Though, I have to admit, she's not as confident as I thought she is. Her legs shake as she sits down. Her irises shift left and right and she's obviously nervous. There's some awkwardness between us. Maybe she likes me like Emy said. Maybe she doesn't and I'm just building up theories based on the idea Emy planted in my head.
"To be honest, I think you got the best job," she says. "You're a single mother. You have a newborn. You're going to need that time to take care if your kid. We start at eight, finish at three. We have winter breaks. We have summer breaks. You'll have insurance. You'll go on trips with students. You'll meet people. It's not bad. I think it's nice. It's better than a desk job, if you ask me. Nine to five is just torture and there's no time for yourself because, let's be real, work will accompany you at home and during the weekends. It sucks the life out of you."
The way she talks reminds me of Tegan; same attitude. The way she moves her hands and gestures. The way her eyes shift. The way she carries herself. Her body language is a lot like Tegan's, it speaks strength but it conceals all the vulnerabilities beneath blue eyes. It's funny how I can analyze people by their own behavior right now. Life is ironic.
"What?" she asks. "Is there coffee on my face or something?"
"No." I shake my head, smiling. "You just…the way you speak is…uh, umm…b…beautiful."
"Oh, wow, thank you." She blushes, looks down at her legs then looks back at me with twinkling eyes. "You're analyzing me?"
"Kinda." I shrug.
"I'm trying to do that but you're a mystery."
"I'm not." I laugh. "I'm just…a bit awkward."
"I think you're just uncomfortable."
"I'm out with my boss, what do you think?"
She laughs loudly. It's adorable. "I'm not your boss. You work with me." I raise an eyebrow, making her laugh again. "So, tell me about you."
"What do you wanna know?" I speak quickly, then I regret it. I don't know anything about me anymore to be telling people, and my incest story isn't really an option.
"I'm afraid to ask, you might not be comfortable." I nod. "So I prefer if you tell me whatever you want to share."
"Well, I…" If I'm going to make up a story, I should start with her maybe. It's bound to happen one day. "I was born in Calgary…I'm adopted." I take a breath. It's happening. She nods. "I figured it out when I was in college. Umm…it's a bit weird. It's a weird story."
"You don't have to talk about it."
"No, it's fine." I sit back. I have arranged the scenario well in my head, now I just have to act it out. "I lived here. In Vancouver. Umm, I was looking for my parents and when I found them I kind of…didn't like them."
"Oh, I'm sorry."
"Because I discovered I have a sister six years younger than me. I was left at my grandmother's doorstep because I was a mistake and my mother was fourteen."
"Oh, wow. That's…"
"It was rough. I didn't really talk to them. I still consider my adopted family as my real family. However, I am a bit close to my sister."
"How come?"
"Well, they kinda sent her here when she left high school so basically we studied in the same university. When I broke up with my girlfriend, she became my roommate and we worked on our relationship as sisters since then."
"That's nice." She smiles, enjoying the fake story I'm giving her. "The same one with the asthma?"
"Yup." I nod. "Tegan. That's her name."
"Cute name." I nod again. "She lives here now?" I nod a third time.
"That's like another story." I chuckle. "But I'll say it. She and I did have our differences, you know how siblings can be." She nods, smiling. "Especially when there are the, you know, the whole biological parents thing."
"I understand."
"Yeah so there was always some war between us."
"Can I ask you a personal question?" I hesitate first but then I nod. "You don't have to answer."
"It's okay. Just ask." I hope she can't see through my bullshit.
"Your baby." She probably can. "I mean, was it…something you wanted or was it…"
"Oh, God, no." Thank God. "She's all mine. I wanted her."
"You're strong." Her smile is soft. Genuine.
"I wanted a baby and I was single. I had, umm, some health issues. I've been single since ever, but I just wanted her so I decided I can do it on my own."
"I salute you for that." She sighs. "I've always wanted one but…the circumstances." Her lopsided smile seems sad, dejected.
"What about your story?"
She chuckles. "What do you want to know?"
"Whatever you want to tell me."
"I see." She's nodding, smiling, biting her lips. She's actually gorgeous. "I think you know my academic career and where I'm from."
"Yes."
"I have been single for four years."
"How?" I ask without noticing how loud I am. Her eyes widen. "Sorry, I mean, look at you."
I make her blush again.
"Graduate school. Work. Life." She sighs. "My mother died last year."
"I'm sorry." Maybe I shouldn't have asked. She already told me bits and pieces. I shouldn't have pried on her.
"It's fine." She sighs. "I have dated both men and women. My last relationship was with a man."
"Bisexual?"
"Yeah."
I nod. "I have never been with a man. Ever." She raises her eyebrows. "A gold star."
"That's…impressive."
"I know." I sigh, too. "I love talking to you."
So what if I admit it? So what if I'm honest. I like talking to this person. Someone new. Someone fresh. Someone that doesn't know my past. Someone that I can construct my relationship with the way I want. Someone I can control how they see me. I'm not the same tired, lazy, loser Tegan sees me as or the innocent sweet lover Emy sees. I'm not the mistake they see. To her I'm someone strong, mysterious and exciting. So what if I lie? So what if I want to find happiness? Don't I deserve it?
"I like talking to you, too."
My phone rings, interrupting our calm silence.
"I have to get that, excuse me." She nods, taking a sip of her now cold coffee. "Yes, Tegan?"
"Where are you?" she asks.
"Out," I say.
"Obviously. I called Emy and she said she doesn't know."
"I told you the other day."
"Oh, the meeting?"
"Mhm," I answer impatiently.
"Okay." She sighs. "Umm, when are you getting back?"
"I don't know."
"I found a place. I want you to come see it."
"Oh. For you?"
"For you and Sally."
"Oh, okay."
"You have to leave?" Stacy asks, I can almost see disappointment but maybe that's just my imagination.
"No, not now," I whisper. "Alright, Tegan, when I'm back, we'll talk about it. I have to go."
I hang up after saying goodbye. I don't want to go back to reality. I want to sit here and chat with this stranger till I'm bored of her company.