AN: this chapter might be triggering because a lot of emotional abuse is there, also mentions of violence and abuse in general. I really struggled with this chapter and I am actually struggling with this story because I keep changing the plot I have imagined three years ago. Not so fun, to be honest. I changed this chapter more than three times and I'm still not satisfied. I think I do need to draw a map to figure out where things will go from now so I can reach my ending but I'm also lazy and depressed and I forget to do almost everything. I also apologize for the horrible writing you're receiving lately from all my fics. I have no idea what happened those past two years. Now I'm on summer vacation I should be more free to write but instead I'd rather stay in bed and stare into the void. Also, some medical information are probably not that accurate in this story even though I do a lot of research but I also add some information from my own imagination. I guess what I have to say, for those who have been reading this from chapter 1 till now, you're surely a survivor, my friends. For those who got bored with the ongoing plot, I'm sorry, I know I tend to Days of Our Lives the shit out of my stories but that's because they're my solace in terrible times. I hope you enjoy this chapter and if you have any feedback, please do add it.
Sara
I don't know how I've gotten closer to Stacy. It just seems easy to be around her. It feels like I'm free, finally free. Peace surrounds me when we are together. I forget about my past, about the lies, the deceit, the ugly truth, and about Tegan. Though I know I won't love again, but around Stacy, there is this tiny spark that tells me everything is alright…or at least one day will be.
It starts with us talking on the phone constantly, sharing views and beliefs of life. I love listening to her voice; it leaves me in a trance. Tegan caught me a couple of times swaying in the melodic octave as Stacy blabbered on the telephone. I felt embarrassed but I didn't care after. Phone calls turned into little dates and little dates turned into hugs and kisses on the cheeks. Now I wait for her to talk to me, I anticipate it.
I even had to lie to Tegan tonight. I told her I don't want her to babysit Sally because I'm staying home with her. She always babysat Sally while I went out with Stacy. I know Tegan guessed what was going on, but I never admitted it. Tonight, I just lied. I want to take Sally with me. Stacy asked for her. We're going to the park first to enjoy the scenery so Sally could look at the kids playing and then we'll be heading to Stacy's place. Stacy insisted on picking me up so I let her.
As for the guilt, it's still present but Stacy's helping me push it away. My love for Tegan? Louder than ever, which makes everything feel a little bit too much to handle at times. I try not to think about it much. I even busy myself doing many things in order to push away this conflict in my brain. I love Tegan but Tegan doesn't want me. Tegan loves me but she still doesn't want me. Why should I wait for her when it's obvious she won't change her mind?
Therefore, I choose that person who actually likes me, even if I don't like her as much. It's nice to feel loved for once, really loved…not in a manipulative way, not in a toxic way.
"I brought some snacks," Stacy says while we sit on a bench. There is some cool breeze that we don't usually feel during the mornings; but at nights, one would need a jacket. I hope Sally doesn't get cold. "Do you like tuna?"
I chuckle, nodding.
"Good, I was afraid you don't. I have tuna sandwiches…" Stacy pauses a little bit, taking a quick look at her picnic basket. "I also made chicken sandwiches just in case." She's very careful all the time, that's what I noticed. She tries her best to please me. The little twitch in her eyes and flutter in her lips convey her nerves. I have never been the more confident one before. It feels good. It feels great for the first time.
"Thank you," I say. "You didn't have to do all that."
"It's not a big deal." She smiles sweetly. "I just want us to have a good time."
I look down at Sally, whose drooling has reached my hands. I reach for her bib to wipe it off the corner of her lips. I look up to watch Stacy smiling at the two of us.
"You're beautiful," Stacy comments. "You really are."
This is the sensation I have missed; first dates, compliments, twinkling eyes. I haven't experienced it since I started dating Emy. With Tegan it was just different. It was nice back then but now I look back and can see it was just horrible.
"Thank you," I murmur. I know I must be blushing, because she reaches an arm to stroke my cheek. I know she likes me. I like her, too. We haven't kissed yet but her eyes say it. She didn't tell me, but her body speaks it.
"Come on, let's eat." She hands me a sandwich wrapped in saran wrap. I take a hold of it while tightening my grip around Sally. "Want me to hold her for you so you could be comfortable?"
"No, it's fine. I'm used to it." She opens a bottle of orange juice for me and puts it on the seat, right beside me. "Thank you."
"I just want you to be comfortable." I laugh a little bit, nodding. Would Tegan have done that? I don't know. She wanted me to be happy, too. It's just that the circumstances were always terrible. When I was sick, she did take care of me. When I couldn't walk, she helped me do everything. Would Stacy do that for me if I couldn't walk? Why can't I stop comparing?
We chat a little bit and finish our food. She plays with Sally after that, making funny faces and weird sounds that, surprisingly, attract Sally's attention, making her giggle and move around.
"I have to change for her," I say, noticing the malodorous odor around us. "The smell is getting ugly."
"Let's go to my place so both of you can be comfortable. Come on, it's only a minute away." I know that, she has told me before.
Stacy drives us to her little home. It's nice. It has two stories, two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a small kitchen, and a cozy living room. She leads me to the guest bedroom to change for Sally.
"I don't have a changing table, but I think this will do." She motions at the dresser.
"It's fine. I have the changing mat, anyway." I put Sally on the mattress and put the bag that has her things next to it. I take out the diapers, the baby wipes, and powder out of it. I take off my jacket to be able to move around. I notice she's inspecting every move. "You probably don't wanna watch this. It's disgusting."
She nods with a laugh, backing away slowly. "My friends all have babies; I'm kinda familiar with the process."
I begin changing my daughter's diaper as she looks around the strange room with her wide grey eyes. "Really? All of them?"
"Yes, all of them." Stacy chuckles.
"Wow, how does it feel?"
"Sometimes nice, but mostly…umm, lonely." I take a look back at her. She's smiling. "How does being a mum feel?"
"I'd be lying if I said it isn't nice, but I'd also be lying if I said it's not time-consuming."
"Will you let it affect your job?" She giggles, that's how I know she's joking.
"No, boss, I won't." I look back again to give her a little wink.
I excuse myself to the bathroom after. She holds Sally for me. I check my phone quickly in case Tegan has figured out my lie. Nobody has texted nor called. Good. I pee and wash my hands. I grab the lip gloss in my bag to reapply it. I spray a perfume I have kept in there as well.
Sally's whiny and Stacy's trying to keep her from crying, that's how I find them when I leave the bathroom. I sit next to Stacy so she could hand me my baby.
"Sara, I think she's hungry," Stacy says. "She kept pushing herself against my chest."
"Oh, yeah, she probably is." I search in the bag for the bottle as Sally starts fussing in my arms. Stacy reaches a hand to steady her, afraid I might drop her.
"Do you want me to hold her?" Stacy offers and I nod, searching for her bib. Again, Sally pushes herself against Stacy's chest, making her blush as she waits for me. Sally probably thinks every woman with dark, shoulder-length hair is Tegan.
"I'm so sorry." I take a hold of Sally again, ready to feed her.
"Don't apologize." Stacy laughs as she reads what's written on the bib. "Boobs…for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Interesting."
"My sister got her that. It's inappropriate, I know." I roll my eyes when the thought of Tegan crosses my mind. Something doesn't feel right when my heart accelerates in beating. I want to get rid of this hideous feeling.
"It's actually cute." She can see that I'm struggling with Sally. She doesn't accept the bottle at first until she makes sure it's the milk Tegan has pumped. "Sara?" she asks and I look up at her. "Do you want to breastfeed her? If you want some privacy, I understand."
I chuckle, looking down, cursing under my breath. "Uh, no." I put Sally down on the couch and get her little pillow out of the bag so she can rest her head and, hopefully, fall asleep. "I'm trying to wean her, actually." And the lies begin.
The truth is, I don't wanna wean her at six months, that's why I have been secretly taking the drugs I need to lower my estrogen level and induce the milk out of my system. My doctor didn't accept it, but I insisted. I'm pumping every day, as much as I can. Nobody knows except Jessica, who encouraged me, saying if she could have done that with me, she would have. I haven't been lucky, though. Milk didn't come out of me. I was told the pills for my anxiety and back are both interfering. I can't stop them. I will once milk comes out because I know I can't feed with meds in my system, but right now it's hard. I just want the milk to come out already. I'm trying my best but every time I feel something, I'm disappointed.
"Oh, why? She's still so young." Stacy's looking at Sally, who's looking back at her. "Oh, I'm sorry. That's none of my business. It's your decision. I'm sorry."
"It's fine," I say calmly. "I just don't produce much milk." More lies. "I try to pump for her but I take some pills for my back, so…yeah, I rarely feed her nowadays." Am I a fraud for making all this up? It feels good when I talk about it as if I am her mother, as if this is my own choice, my option, my reality. Then the guilt haunts me. If induced lactation has worked, I wouldn't have to lie.
"What's up with your back?" she asks with a raised brow.
"Oh, I told you. I had some issues. I fell when I was young and hurt myself." I pause, trying to arrange my lies in my head. "I had to get a surgery. Used the wheelchair. Fell again while I was joking around with my sister. We kept pushing each other, and…I just fell and hurt myself a second time. It was the worst time. I hurt myself terribly. I fell on my head, too. I couldn't walk for awhile. Needed a surgery. Nothing was right again. I also started stuttering out of the blue." I shrug. "Now I'm good, though. I finally corrected it a few months ago, but…you know, still gotta be careful."
She looks at me dubiously as she pours us both glasses of wine. She raises my glass towards me and I nod, reaching for it. "Wait," she says, "Ummm, you're not gonna breastfeed tonight? Because I think you shouldn't…"
"No, no, I won't." I take a hold of the glass, wanting the alcohol to ease my nerves.
"I'm sorry about your back," she says. "I noticed the stutter; I thought you were just nervous." She smiles. I guess it has something to do with it. I guess it's part of my insecurity.
"Yeah, it was way worse." I take a sip of my beverage before we continue our chat for the night. Unfortunately, Sally wakes up few minutes after. She gives me a hard time that I spend the rest of the evening rocking her while talking to Stacy, who knows very well how to keep a company occupied with her stories and chatter. I forget that it's getting late and when I remember, she doesn't let me order a cab.
"I'll drive you," she offers.
"No."
"I want to," she says, getting up. "Come on, let's go."
"No, Stacy. My house isn't that close."
"Sara, get up. I said I'll drive you, which means I will."
"But you don't have to."
"I want to," she insists, offering to take whiny Sally from me so I can get up and grab my things. "Hey, Snowball," she sings. "Why are you giving mommy a hard time, huh?" Sally's eyes are focused on hers, which makes me smile. I like the fact that Sally seems comfortable around Stacy, even though she doesn't understand anything right now. She's not as fussy as she usually is around strangers. In fact, she tends to be whinier around Tegan, which, I believe, is a sign.
"She won't ever sleep this kid," I mutter as I put the sling on so I can put her inside.
"Have you had coffee today?" Stacy asks.
"Yeah," I answer quickly, thinking it's a random question until I realize what she means. "Umm, just a cup. I was too groggy in the morning."
"That's why she won't sleep. Your milk has caffeine and she has caffeine in her system."
"And that's why I'm weaning her very soon. You don't wanna see a Sara without coffee, trust me."
Unless it magically works and I can start breastfeeding like a normal mother.
She laughs, handing me Sally back. "So waking up to you in the morning isn't nice after all?" I take a deep look at her, making her finally blush, or maybe what she said has made her feel embarrassed but she's not the only one with red cheeks right now, I'm pretty sure about that.
"You imagined waking up to me in the morning?"
She shrugs, her rosy cheeks increasing in color. "Just thought about it randomly." She tries to brush it off but now I'm aware this woman has a crush on me and I'm aware that I can have her easily because I also like her, but I'm not sure if it will be the right decision considering my situation. Then again, when will my situation be right…ever?
At home, I try to dim the lights so Sally can fall asleep but it doesn't work. She cries for a long time until I get her in bed with me. I thought about touching myself. I haven't done that in a long time. I feel horny for the first time in months. I read that trying induced lactation kills my libido, but right now my clit feels as if it's going to burst inside my pajama pants and my nipples need to be pinched into tight buds so I can feel the pleasure I'm craving for. I was counting on Sally to fall asleep so I can have some time on my own but she won't close a damn eye.
Tegan calls then. She's crying, wanting badly to see Sally. I offer for her to come over so she could breastfeed and she takes my offer quickly. My previous thoughts are pushed to the back of my head as I listen to Tegan talking about how attached she's becoming to Sally, inducing my fear that one day Tegan won't be able to keep my secret and would take my daughter away from me.
I know it's wrong, but when I see her breasts bare, my thoughts come back to me and my nipples harden. I hide underneath the mattress and squeeze my legs together, almost crying. Sally falls asleep and we fall asleep later, next to each other, or at least one of us does. I spend the night half asleep, half awake, in a state of haze; if I like Stacy why do I still want to hold Tegan in my arms and get her back to me? Why won't my feelings go away? Why do I love this woman?
I wake up before her, pump in the bathroom but I'm still out of luck, I then give Sally a bath, talk to mum, talk to Rob and cook breakfast. I clean when Tegan wakes up so she can watch Sally. I take a shower later. I massage my breasts, feeling how heavy they have become. My nipples have become large. They're more prominent than before. I'm not sure whether it's considered sexy or not. I like how they look on Tegan. I admire the changes. It turns me on, actually. It really does. To roll them between my fingers, suck on them, I imagine it constantly. I find myself touching my clit but I don't really rub. I just push and enjoy the feeling. I can't do this now. I don't have time.
When I leave the bathroom, Tegan tells me that my 'girlfriend' has called. As much as it bothers me that Tegan thinks we're dating, it still feels good to know her jealousy is destroying her, making her regret her past decisions. The problem is…she won't change her mind and I'm afraid it's too late now. Sally's growing up, soon enough she will notice and she will be able to tell who's a mother and who's an aunt.
I call Stacy back as I hide alone in my room.
"My sister said you called. I was in the shower."
"Uh…yeah."
"Is everything okay?" I ask, thinking about what type of disaster Tegan has spewed out of her mouth. "It's Tegan, isn't it?"
"Well, I was just surprised. She seems like she's nothing like you."
"Stacy?" I take a deep breath. A warning is always necessary just in case they ever meet.
"Yeah?"
"I wanna tell you something about Tegan."
"Aha?"
"She's not the nicest person." Not towards Stacy, she won't be. "She's a bit rude and bitchy but it's just who she is. All you have to do is ignore her, that's what I do mostly."
"Okay?"
"I mean, just in case you ever meet, I don't want you to feel strange. That's why it was a bit hard for us to get along and we always fought. She can be a real bitch." I think God is building a palace for me in hell at the moment while I continue lying to this poor woman. I shouldn't drag her into this, why am I dragging her into this?
"Oh, okay." She chuckles. "Planning on introducing me to your family?"
I laugh. "My real family is nice. They don't live here. My best friend Emy is slowly losing it because of her daughter, and my sister Tegan is just…Tegan, so I would rather you become well-prepared for that first."
"Seems like an interesting family." I can hear the smile on her face. Yes, hear it, feel it, see it. I can do all that. It's beautiful. I don't deserve this nice woman.
"Anyway, so, umm, Sara, all the staff is going out tomorrow for breakfast in this little cute restaurant I discovered last week. We have this tradition at school which we do each year. I hold a huge staff meeting outside of school, usually on a weekend so everyone can be there. We chill, talk, and get introduced to each other. So yeah, it's going to be tomorrow, in the morning. I really want you to be there."
She took me by surprise. I was thinking of spending tomorrow with Sally alone. I was thinking of having a chill day, I haven't had that since the training has started. I don't want Sally to start spending more time with Tegan than with me. I want her to get attached to me more than she can ever be attached to anyone else. It's selfish, I know, but I don't want to lose her. The fear of it happening is slowly growing and I hate it.
"Tomorrow?"
"Is it not suitable?"
"Ummm, it's just…it's a Saturday. I want to spend some time with Sally."
"Oh…uh, work days aren't the best because, you know, we go to school and a lot of teachers have part time jobs at night, especially during summer."
"There will be a lot of people?"
"Everyone who works for me." I love the confidence in the way she says it. She makes me feel confident when I talk to her. She radiates it towards me.
"Oh, the pressure." I chuckle jokingly.
"Everyone's nice. You just have to be you. Don't worry about them."
I take a deep breath. "Okay. I guess I have to beg Tegan to babysit now."
"Oh, I can get you a babysitter if you want?"
"That's fine. I'll ask her first and if she doesn't comply, I'll see if I can find a babysitter."
"Is she uhhh…." Stacy hesitates, "nice with the baby?"
I snort. "Don't worry, the baby's the only one Tegan is nice towards. She loves her like she's her own daughter."
"That's good, I guess."
"Yeah, it's perfect," I respond sarcastically.
"I just wanted…I wanted to say that…" she stutters. I look at the clock on the wall. Tegan must be planning my murder right now. "I just wanted to say that I couldn't sleep last night…"
"Oh, why?" I interrupt quickly.
"I was thinking about you." I can hear the deep breath she just took. I honestly don't know what to say. I thought about her, too. Not in that sense, I think. I don't know how I feel or what I feel. "I really liked spending time with you."
"I liked that, too." Not a lie.
"I'd like for us to spend more time together." I'd like that, too. I really do. I'm not sure I can throw my emotional baggage at her, however.
"Me, too."
"Good." She giggles like a teenager. It's sweet. "I'll see you tomorrow, I guess."
"Yeah."
We were supposed to hang up. I don't know what happened, but conversation lasts for too long until Tegan's suspicions become reality. I find myself falling into her allure, ready to give myself up to somebody when I know I'm not supposed to.
She volunteers to pick me up the second day. I take the offer because I don't want to arrive alone, all eyes will be on the new counselor. I don't care if they look at us as if we're a couple. I just don't want to stand alone with my anxiety as my partner.
And my anxiety is highly pronounced the next day as Stacy directs most of her attention on me, making everyone ask me about my life and career, surprised with fake 'Ohs' and 'Ahs' that I have a baby. Stacy senses it because of the tremor in my legs underneath the table. She steadies one leg and holds my hand under the table. I almost flinch, not used to this from her. She looks at me, asking if it's okay with her eyes. I nod.
Sally's rash also worries me. She woke up with red skin. She's been crying because she's probably itchy. I call Tegan a number of times but she thinks it's ridiculous that I'm obsessed with her. I just feel alone for once and I don't like it. I think I'm the one who has gotten attached to my baby. I'm not sure if this is good or bad, but I miss her and I feel like something is off without her.
Stacy senses it. When we're in the car again she asks me if I'm okay.
"I'm fine." I smile politely, anxious to get home.
"No, you're not. Did something bother you out there?"
"No." I chuckle. "I just miss Sally."
She smiles. "Let's get you home then."
"Thank you," I whisper.
We continue the silent ride home until she breaks the silence as soon as we're parked outside of my place. "Sara?"
"Yes?"
"You're okay?"
"I am."
"Did I push you to do something you're not comfortable with?" I shake my head. How could she be so considerate? Why is she so nice?
"You're a really nice person," I say.
She chuckles. "I just like you." I look up at her, too astonished to say anything. "You don't have to say anything. I'm being honest because we're grownups and I'm too old for mind games."
"I actually do like you, too."
"Really?" I nod. It's true. I like her…maybe less than she likes me, but I like her. I like that I'm safe around her. I like that she likes me.
"I just had some mommy blues. That's probably not what they're called anyway." I huff. "I just miss Sally."
"Yeah. Mommy blues are the depression you get after birth."
I nod, can't really say that I had that since I didn't really give birth. I look up at her again. I take a deep breath as I ponder my decision in my head. I don't want to be left alone right now. I want this safe person to keep me from breaking down. "Why don't you come up to my place with me?"
"What?" She seems taken aback.
"I want you to spend the rest of the day with me," I say, a bit more confident, "if you want."
"I…I mean, don't you want to spend some alone time with Sally?"
I shake my head. I do want that, but I don't want Tegan to get into my head and I can already feel her energy around me. I take a glance at the window opposite to my house. She's not standing there.
"Sally's with Tegan right now. We'll sit a little bit and talk and I'll tell her to drop her off later…or I can get her." I sure don't want any interaction between Tegan and Stacy. It would be disastrous.
"Can I kiss you, Sara?" she asks out of the blue as soon as I shut my mouth. I'm too astonished to answer. I look at her for a long time, glance at her lips, at her eyes, at her flourished cheeks, her long lashes. I find myself leaning in, already doing the work for her, kissing her instead. She closes her eyes and deepens it. God, what am I doing? This is wrong, I love it. "Whoa." She smiles, licking her lower lip. I do, too. "That's…unexpected." I chuckle, ready to get out of the car.
"You coming?" I ask. I guess I really need to get laid. It's been so long.
"Yeah." We walk up to the door. She gives me a sinister smile which I question with my eyes. "You didn't let me kiss you."
"I kissed you instead," I say.
"But I want to kiss you." She giggles as I open the door.
"Well, you missed the chance." I shrug, winking with sheer confidence I have never ever mastered before.
"You said Sally's with your sister?" I giggle, nodding.
"Yeah, she's with my sister." Stacy tries to get a hold of me as I tease her, escaping her grip. "No, stop." I have no idea what happened but I am teasing my boss and I both love and hate it. This is too forward and too soon. We shouldn't do this. We really shouldn't but I really want to feel alive again. I really want to feel young again.
"You're adorable, you know that?" Stacy says, looking into my eyes.
"Stop it."It's too soon for this. I shouldn't let it happen right now. It's not fair for her. I try to push her hand away but her face slowly changes, her features harden, her eyes squint and horror immediately covers what once was a jovial smile. She shrieks and my heart almost stops. I turn around only to find none other than my sister, standing against the railing with a sorrowful, powerful, mean gaze at both of us.
"Wh…what are you doing here?" I ask.
"She fucking stained her clothes…twice," Tegan says, furious and frightening. Her angry eyes are penetrating Stacy. Stacy seems embarrassed and shocked as she stares at my sister.
"Uh…Stacy, this is my sister…Tegan. Tegan, this is uh…my friend, and my boss, uh, this is Stacy." I try to introduce them to each other in hopes drama won't break loose even though I know Tegan too well to know she will not let this pass easily.
I glance back at Stacy but she's staring at Tegan with a furrowed brow. I look back, searching in her eyes but I soon find the answer on her tight black top. A wet spot is on her chest. My eyes widen as I realize what that is. I try to make her notice it with my eyes but she's confused. I quickly point at my own chest until she sees it, gasping.
"Oh shit. Sally puked on me," she yells, confused and embarrassed. Her face becomes red immediately. I know it's not that but I hope Stacy doesn't notice the lie. "I'll go umm…change." She starts walking away quickly, ready to disappear. I have to follow her. I have to discuss this before she does something stupid.
I excuse myself quickly. Stacy asks if she should leave. I don't want her to go. If she does, I might have to deal with Tegan and I don't want that. What if she hits me? What if she loses it? What if things become ugly? I'm ashamed to say this but, right now, I'm scared of Tegan and I don't want her near me or near Sally.
I go inside my room, slamming the door. Tegan is rummaging through my closet. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I rebuke quietly, hoping we won't make a scene while Stacy is in the house.
She looks at me with tears in her eyes. "Shut the fuck up," she shoots with a broken voice. "I need a shirt."
I didn't think I'd see her crying. I never thought she would be crying. I expected a push. I expected yelling. I expected rudeness. I did not expect tears.
I hand her a bra and a shirt then head over to put clothes on my half naked baby. Sally's quiet. Thank God! Tegan isn't though.
"This is too small. I need a bigger one," she says, sniffling.
"I don't have any."
"My nipples are jumping out of this." I look over at her. We used to fit in the same size. Not anymore.
"Go home and change." I don't want her near Stacy…or Stacy near her. Right now, I wouldn't be surprised if she exposed me in front of Stacy, told the truth, but still didn't end up with me after it.
"Ugh, this is annoying. Why do I leak so much? The fucking three holes."
"I told you to get nipple pads and nursing bras."
She glances at me for a second then sits down on my mattress, sobbing heavily.
"Why are you crying?" I'm scared. She's losing it. "Stop crying."
"You know what? I promised I'd never be with anyone else if it isn't you and I expected you to do the same. I fucking love you. I love you and I won't love anyone else."
Then be with me if you love me. Be with me. Save this because it's getting too late. I'll drop everything and go back with you and our baby. I'll forget everything to get back my life with you.
I wish I can say these words, but I can't anymore because she doesn't hear them. She only hears the fact we are biological sisters and our relationship is a disgusting incestuous filth.
"Do you love me?" she asks, taking me by surprise. Of course I fucking do. Fuck, she knows it. "Ten years, Sara. It's been almost ten years. How can you just throw all that away?"
Ask yourself that. Goddamn it, I wish I wasn't afraid of her. I wish I didn't invite Stacy over. I wish she'd kiss me right now and tell me she's sorry.
"I can't believe you're saying this," I whisper, too scared to speak loudly so I wouldn't wake the monster in her. "Do you even hear yourself right now?" Please tell me you still want me.
"Yes. I can hear myself."
"No, you obviously can't." If you could, you would have taken me in your arms and kissed me. You would have not wasted a second.
I pick Sally up. I have to speak. If I pick up Sally, she wouldn't hit me. She wouldn't lose it on me. She wouldn't do that to Sally.
"Tegan, I'm the one who has been begging for months and I'm the one who said the same words when we found out, yet I was beaten up instead." It's wrong of me to remind her of the violence she couldn't control, but I do it anyway. "I was deserted because it's fucking disgusting and abnormal to your humane standards. You're the last person who should preach about love when you broke this family and now because of you we're living a bigger lie. It's too late now. Way too late." It isn't. Please don't believe me. Please try to win me back.
She's shaking; tears are streaming down her face. Still silent, though. Still afraid.
"You can't just desert me and expect me to dedicate my life to you, Tegan. I'm not going to stop living just because you decided to." Here's the part where she's supposed to tell me that she can't live without me, the part she's supposed to fix it. "You don't always get to decide. You don't get to decide anymore." Please say you want me back. "You controlled my life way too much and thank you for that." I'd allow it to happen if you just take me back. "Now this is my own life, something I can live without you, your power, money, and will having to do anything with." I'm not even making sense. What am I saying? "I'm taking care of our daughter and I always will because she's mine as well. I love you and always will. But, Tegan, I will never pause my life for you, because you wouldn't do that for me." Because you don't want me. "You hurt me way more than you ever made me happy and now it's time I make myself happy."
Still hurting, Tegan. Won't ever be happy.
I wait for her to speak, but she says nothing, just stares at the void with tears in her eyes. She'll either just stay silent or she'll punch me. I walk to the door quickly so she doesn't get a chance to do anything. "Don't make a loud noise. I have a guest over."
I walk down the stairs, noticing Stacy minding her own business, staring at her phone far in the corner, sitting next to the window. I sure do hope she did not hear any of that.
"I'm sorry about that," I say, but notice that my voice is shaky. She turns around, inspecting my frame with her eyes. "Look who's here." I try to make my voice all cute and youthful to distract her from my sudden stutter. I hope Tegan won't light up the whole place.
"Oh, it's Sally." She does the same with her tone. I sit next to her on the couch, holding Sally up. "I really hope I didn't cause any issues?"
"What?" I fake a smile. "Why would you? Tegan just came here to get Sally changed because I didn't get her enough clothes." I sigh. "I suck at this sometimes." She chuckles. "And now Tegan's changing her shirt because Sally puked on her. Evil, aren't we?" I look at Sally, faking millions of smiles and locking a fountain of tears inside.
Sally extends her arms at Stacy, moving her legs wildly as her feet rest on my lap while I hold her body in a standing posture. "Oh, look at that." I giggle. "She wants to come to you."
"Yeah." Stacy extends her arms, too. "That's nice. Maybe she wants to puke again."
I laugh, for real this time. I hand her to Stacy who holds her in the same posture I had her, except now Sally's facing me. She looks at me, her lips turning upward in a smile.
"She's adorable," Stacy says, "just like her mum."
My laughter is interrupted by Tegan behind me. "I'm going home," she announces, covering her eyes with my own sunglasses. "Try not to need me for awhile. I have a life, you know." She leaves, slamming the door, leaving both Stacy and me speechless.
"Uh…uh…I'm sorry about that," I say, stuttering like a pro.
"Sara, why don't you get a babysitter?" I open my mouth to speak but she interrupts before I could. "Wait, now with the salary you're going to take, you'll be able to afford one, or, even better, you can put her in day care, maybe?"
"Uh, yeah, yeah. I mean, I didn't need one, really. Just lately I'm needing one. I did contact a few babysitters….umm…t…I…" My words stop coming out. I stutter for a long time, watching Stacy's face distort in agonizing flinches as she waits for me to say something.
"Sara, breathe." She holds Sally closely. I take a deep breath but my tears are on the brim of my eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispers.
"No, it's not you." I shake my head, standing up. "I need to use the bathroom. I'm sorry."
I run to the bathroom, quickly washing my face. I take deep breaths and look for my inhaler. I'm getting a panic attack, one I didn't see coming. I don't know what happened. I can't deal with this. I'm lost, God, I'm lost. Why did I do this? Why did I let this woman inside? Why did I say those words to Tegan? Why is my life like that?
Hot tears run past my eyes, calming me down. I cry and cry, taking off my blazer and unbuttoning the first two buttons of my shirt.
When I leave, I see Stacy by the door, still holding Sally. She has a stupid sympathetic smile.
"Maybe I should go," she says. "You need some time on your own, obviously."
I nod. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine, Sara. We all have some family issues. I hope whatever it is between you and Tegan will be resolved soon. Please don't do this to yourself." She hands me back Sally.
I nod. That's the only thing I can do.
"I want to kiss you goodbye but I'll leave it for another time." She smiles and opens the door.
Why did I kiss her?
I like her, that's why. That's what I concluded as I thought about it all day.
The next morning I visit Emy to tell her about the dramatic events of the previous day. Only, she already knows.
"She called me last night…crying," Emy says, tracing her index finger over the rim of her coffee mug. We're alone at her place. Amber's at work. Both of our girls are, thankfully, asleep. "She told me everything you just said."
"Yes, but, Emy, I can't just stop my life for her…she…"
"I know, I know." She sighs, shrugs, then sits back in her chair, folding her arms against her chest. "I told her that. Thing is, she doesn't listen. She wants everyone to be around everyone but no feelings, which doesn't make any sense because she can't even deny hers?"
"What does she want?" I ask frustratingly. "If she wants me, she can still get me."
"I told her that, too."
"What did she say?"
"It's a sin."
"What the fuck?"
"She's just disgusted by the idea, Sara." Emy chuckles. "I mean, I don't blame her. It's not something common."
"It's not something we haven't done."
"She thinks feelings can't be controlled, which is why she can't blame herself or you for having them; however, actions can."
"Bullshit," I exclaim.
"Shush, don't wake them. I can't believe I'm finally getting a moment of peace."
We sit in the silence for a few minutes, sipping our coffees. Sometimes words get tired, or minds get too busy to think of speaking. Emy is thinking too much, I know it.
"What are you thinking about?" I ask. I hate the silence.
"You like Stacy?"
"Yeah," I admit quickly. "I don't love her. I just like her. She's someone fresh, new, someone who doesn't know my shit. She likes me back, too. She's supportive."
Emy nods.
Is she jealous?
"Tegan is also worried about the fact Sally is gonna have that woman in her life."
"Her name is Stacy."
"I know," Emy says, "I'm just saying what Tegan said."
"Well, Sally's mine and mine only whether Tegan likes it or not because that's exactly how she wanted it to be."
"That's mean," Emy states. "You've changed."
"Oh, fuck off, Emy." She shrugs. "Of course I changed. You want me to be the same old loser Sara who can't come up with a thought on her own?"
"You were never like that," Emy mumbles. "You were just sweet."
"Now I'm not. At least not to those who fucked me over."
"Do you hate Tegan?" she asks with eyebrows up and mouth agape.
Hate Tegan? How could I hate Tegan? I could never hate her.
"I'm starting."
"Oh, wow." She presses her lips together. "Well, I believe being single is the best. I found a job," she says quickly.
"That's great." She nods. "How and when?"
"Two days ago. Did the interview and all. A marketing company. They want an interior designer and well…"
"That's awesome." Finally some good news.
"Yup." She smiles, with teeth and gums. It's been awhile. "Found a really nice care center where I can put Pearl at, they also have programs for kids with special needs."
"That's really good. I'm…I'm actually so happy for you."
"Renting an apartment soon. Same street so Amber can still see the baby."
"Wow, this happened all of a sudden."
"Not really." She smiles. "You just don't really ask."
"I'm sorry." I'm now shit to everyone.
"It's fine." She yawns. "I'm getting the custody, of course, but Amber will still get to spend time with her."
"She's good, though, right?" I ask hesitantly, "Pearl, I mean?" Emy looks up at me with a strange smile. I can't interpret it.
"She's as good as she can be."
I tell Joy everything later that night. I still didn't hear from Tegan since the previous day. Stacy called to check up on me during the afternoon.
Everyone is a bit biased. It's like I can't really have an honest opinion anymore. Joy hates Tegan so she doesn't find anything I've done as a mistake. In fact, she encourages me to speak with Stacy and even ask her out.
"You need someone, Sara. Come on, look at you! You're young, you're smart, you're gorgeous," she compliments, boosting my ego. "And Stacy is available and obviously wants you."
"I know but the problem is…"
"There is no problem," she shouts. "Look! Honestly, that asshole said she doesn't want you in her life and literally kicked you out of the house and city you were staying at. Now you started a new life, she fucking chased and thinks she can control your life even though she still doesn't want to be with you? Nah, I don't think that's fair. She needs to fucking step away and you need to stop letting her get to you."
Joy's harsh but she's also right.
I want a woman in my life. I want to feel young because I feel like I have aged so much the past year. I miss being touched. I miss waking up to someone. I miss sex. I miss all of that a woman my age should be having.
I look up facts about sex after pregnancy all night long, just in case I end up having sex with Stacy and it's suspiciously too normal for me. I'm shocked to learn all those information about the possible pain, dryness, hormonal changes, and widening of the pelvic area. Does Tegan suffer from that right now? She never talked about it. I have to act while I'm having sex with Stacy…if it happens. Or I can lie. I can say I've already done it with myself before so I can get used to it. Will she know I didn't give birth to a baby by the tightness of my walls?
All the sexual thoughts make me want to be touched so I end up touching myself as soon as I put Sally to sleep. It's not the same as being touched, especially not the same as Tegan touching me.
I start work a week after. I put Sally in the same daycare Emy has put her daughter in. Tegan hasn't called nor texted nor talked to me and I did not bother talking to her. I talked to Stacy every day during that past week. We didn't go out because she has been busy. We flirt each night before falling asleep.
I've been stressed out the past three days because I have run out of milk and Sally's been extra whiny. She cries all night, doesn't even let me feed her the stuff she likes anymore. And my milk still didn't come out.
I'm also nervous. It's my first day and Stacy is way too excited about it. She has introduced me (again) to the entire staff, even though she already did when we were out the week before. I told her why I'm stressed out, or narrated half the truth. Whenever I tell her about those issues a mother only faces, she gets even closer. It surprises me that it doesn't turn her off or pull her away from me. She becomes more affectionate and caring, which I really like because I've been deprived of that part since I met Tegan. I was the one who took care, gave affection and love mostly. Tegan depended on me to give her emotional support and I haven't realized how mentally exhausting this has made me feel until now.
Stacy comes in at the end of the day while I'm crying. She gives me a nice shoulder rub and calms me down.
"They called telling me she has barely stopped crying ever since she got there. That's about eight hours." I'm ugly sobbing and I know my mascara is all over my face right now. Stacy's funny twitches tell me what I need to know about how I look. "What if this lasts so long? What if she gets sick?"
"How did she get so used to breastfeeding if you really couldn't produce much anyway?"
"I don't know." I sigh. "I did breastfeed her the first few days until I had to get back on my medicine."
"Oh." Stacy seems to be at loss, too. She's thinking as she's staring at the distance.
"I'm a horrible employee."
Stacy laughs. "No, you're not. You didn't even ask for a leave when they told you she's crying. Landon takes one every few days." Stacy rolls her eyes. "For the silliest things."
I wipe my nose with the back of my hand. She laughs more. "I'm disgusting, I know."
"No, I'm just thinking about how much I really wanna kiss you right now even though you have snot all over your face."
I'm forced to laugh, covering my face with my hands. She hands me a tissue so I can blow my nose.
"You like the office? I redecorated it for you." I nod, still chuckling. "It's spacious, too," she adds, "so students can feel comfortable when they talk to you."
"I'm so nervous about that."
"You really shouldn't be," she says, "you're qualified enough."
"When is it gonna start? School, I mean."
"September. In ten days."
"Oh, Lord."
"Come on. Let's go pick up your baby and go home. I wanna cook you something."
"No, I…"
"Shhh. Let's go to my place. I miss spending time with you."
As soon as I get a hold of Sally, I shower her with kisses. She stops crying when she sees me, burying her face in my chest immediately.
"Wow, she's really not used to strangers," Stacy says in the car. "I feel really bad."
"I hope she gets used to them." Sally's patting my breast and Stacy can see it by now because she keeps doing it, whimpering and whining.
"Sara, you can use the spare bedroom to feed her. I'll start with the cooking. I just need to wash up a bit." She removes her grey blazer, revealing a very sheer white shirt. I lower my gaze when our eyes meet. I hope she didn't notice my stares.
She smirks. She has noticed.
"Okay, th…th…thank you," I stutter, which gives it away.
"Hi, baby, I missed you." I sit alone on the mattress, looking at my crying baby. "I can't feed you but let's bond, alright?" I take off my navy jacket and unbutton my white shirt. I put her close to my chest so she can listen to my heartbeat, but she's searching for my breast, trying her best to remove my bra with her hand. She can use her hand now, and it's getting annoying but also upsetting because I wish I can help her. If there is something I will always regret, it would be saying no when Tegan asked me if I wanted to carry instead. "I'm so sorry." I begin crying, rocking her gently. "I wish I can give you food." They told me they were able to let her drink the formula at daycare. I have no idea how they did it but I was in too much hurry to ask them. I have to figure out how. Right now she wants to sleep. It's her nap time and she only sleeps if we give her Tegan's milk. I wonder whether she'd like mine if it ever came out.
Fuck you, Tegan. She doesn't even return my calls. She doesn't even return my texts. Does she want me to go and beg for her to give me milk? Motherfucker.
Sally ends up sucking my upper chest instead. It's really annoying when she does that. She presses on my chest and I've been tender lately. Maybe I should go to the doctor again and consult her about my situation. Maybe I should stop taking my meds. Maybe then my milk would come out. Maybe induced lactation is fake or it happens to few women only and I'm not one of them.
After about twenty minutes, I feel Sally's breaths on my chest. I look down to find her asleep. Thank God!
I put her in the middle of the mattress, cover her, and put pillows around her so she wouldn't fall in case she moved. I button up my shirt and leave the room, leaving the door ajar.
I find Stacy in the kitchen, stirring whatever is in the pot.
"She's asleep," I whisper.
She grins widely, asking me to walk closer with a come-hither gesture. I walk closer to her like I'm magnetized. She smiles even bigger, smirking at me as I face her. I know what's going to happen. I want it to happen. I don't care what anyone thinks. I'm tired and I want happiness, even if temporary. If Tegan doesn't want to give me that, I'll look for it everywhere else. I know I won't fully find it, but I'm willing to take what I can get.
"Kiss me," I say, loud and confident.
She doesn't hesitate. Not a bit. She puts two hands on my upper arms and kisses me. I close my eyes, enjoying it. I kiss her back and let my body enjoy it. I feel this kiss down in my clit. I feel the sudden ache in my core.
Subconsciously, I moan. I only notice it when I hear her giggle. I haven't realized this has turned into a full making-out session, I haven't realized her tongue is touching mine, or that my hands have pulled her so close to me I can feel her breasts pressed on mine.
"Nice," she says with her enticing raspy octave. I'm breathing heavily, needing more of this, wanting her to take me badly. I have to do something about it. I need someone to fuck me. "Maybe we should take it a bit slower?" she says. I nod, feeling embarrassed. I can only laugh it off, though.
"It's been a long time." I step away from the embrace. I take a deep breath and take a seat by the kitchen table.
"I can only imagine." She winks at me, looking back at the stove. The mouthwatering aroma is making me feel hungry. I think I am lucky. I finally have good luck. This woman is changing my life. She gave me a job, she's nice, she cooks for me, she likes me, she's supportive, Sally likes her. This woman is my luck. She deserves better than me. "It has been a long time for me, too." She chuckles. She isn't facing me, but I can still see the rosy hue on her left cheek.
"How long?" I ask, not timid, not afraid. Maybe I did really change. I'm not shy anymore. I don't know how I've changed but I like this change.
"Six months," she whispers embarrassingly.
"It's been longer for me, honey." I laugh loudly. The last time I had sex with Tegan was in December. Yes. That was the last time. After I've found out. God, I hated that day. I pushed her to have sex with me. She said yes only because I wanted to. I was a terrible person to her that day. She wasn't comfortable with her body, but I still wanted her to do what I asked for.
"Well, of course." She giggles, finally looking at me. "You were pregnant."
"Right." I nod, adding more lies. "You can still have sex while you're pregnant, though."
"Well, yeah, but you weren't with anyone, right?"
"No, I wasn't." We look at one another for a long while until both of us start laughing. "What?" I say, still laughing.
"I had sex with a hooker."
"Oh my God," I scream. She nods, still laughing.
"I was desperate. I paid someone to have sex."
"Wow."
Maybe Stacy has her own secrets. Maybe she's also lying about things right now? Maybe that's how fate is getting us closer, maybe both of us are lying, scheming, fucked up, bitches.
"Please don't judge."
"I'm not judging. I'm just surprised." I keep laughing, my eyes tearing up.
"I haven't told that to anyone. You're the first one I tell. I just had to say it."
"Look, if I can do that right now, I would do it, too."
She laughs more. She sits next to me, wiggling her eyebrows. "What's stopping you?" she asks.
I take deep breath, looking down at my hand. "I have a baby."
"So mothers who have babies don't have sex?"
"No." I snort. "I mean, not with a prostitute."
"Good point!" She sits back, looking at me. "Dinner will be ready soon."
I burst out laughing at the sudden change of the subject, not realizing our loud noises have woken up Sally.
We eat our dinner with hungry Sally crying on my lap. Stacy offers to take her but I don't let her.
"She's hungry," I announce. "I still don't have milk."
"Oh, you didn't feed her?"
"No, I just rocked her to sleep." I look down at Sally hitting my chest with her hand, crying all over my white shirt. I tried with the formula but it didn't work. I'm beginning to get irritated. "I should go," I say.
"No," Stacy exclaims. I look up in surprise. "No. We'll figure something out together. I mean you're giving her baby food right?"
"She doesn't like it anymore. You know, I have a feeling she'll be an annoying teenager. I feel like she's punishing me, not accepting any type of food because I'm not giving her my tits." I start crying.
She helps me with Sally, takes her away to calm her down, but Sally doesn't leave her. She pulls at her shirt and throws a tantrum.
"She probably thinks you're Tegan because of the hair," I say without thinking much about my words.
"Huh?"
I sniffle, realizing the fuck up. "She always does that to her."
"I think she does that to every woman with boobs." She looks down at the baby with an empathetic smile. "Why don't you try, Sara?" Stacy asks. Right now the tantrum Sally is causing isn't even cute. I can feel even Stacy's getting annoyed.
"Uh…" Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I don't wanna take her to the room again and pretend I'm trying. I'll just prove it to her so she can shut up about it. "Okay." I quickly unbutton my shirt and lower down the right cup of my bra. Stacy averts her gaze immediately, looking up at my face. I take Sally from her, who latches as soon as I hold her close to my chest. I jump, gasping. She looks down for a moment and then looks up again, red-faced. Sally's trying to suckle but she's hurting me. Fuck, she's teething already.
"Stacy, you can look, it's fine," I say, looking down at Sally struggling. She's whimpering and I'm in pain. "She's hurting me." I look up. Stacy's looking down. "I don't have any milk," I say.
"I'm sorry," she says.
"For what?"
"For this. It's just hard. You're so brave, Sara." I chuckle through tears.
Sally pulls away from me, resuming her cries.
When I arrive home, I find another surprise. The box that contains the old sex toys and tapes is on my bedroom's floor. I put Sally down in her crib and hurry to open it. Everything we have ever used together is in there; every dildo, every vibrator, the nipple clamps, the plugs, the tapes we have shot, the cuffs. All of it is there. I don't find any letter or any message. I try to find a place to hide this box, a place nobody can ever reach, especially not Sally. I will not throw anything away. They hold the most beautiful and painful memories to me. I'm glad Tegan didn't throw them away, but I don't get why she decided I should take the toys and not her.
That's when I decide to knock on Tegan's door with Sally in my arms. Maybe she'd open the door, hear me out, soften up, and feed Sally.
"What do you want?" she says as soon as she opens the door, standing there in her maroon robe. Her hair is disheveled and her face is oily.
"We should talk."
"Look, I have somebody over so to spare you the bullshit, no, we shouldn't talk," she says quickly and angrily. "I made a mistake by getting close again. We are nothing but sisters and this is your fucking baby, not mine, okay?"
"T…Tegan…just…h…h…"
"For fuck's sake, I don't have time for your stupid stutter."
"Sally needs milk."
"I'm back on my meds. She's not my daughter, why should I feed her?"
Fucking Emy the snitch.
"Tegan…"
"Sara, shut the fuck up and get away from me."
Wow.
Why am I crying?
I open my mouth to speak again but I hear some girl's voice calling for Tegan.
"You're sleeping with someone?" I ask.
"Yup." She smirks. "Back to my good life before I met you. What a nice life that was."
"Okay." I nod. "Just think of Sally, alright? I don't want anything from you but that's my daughter getting hurt right now."
"Shut the fuck up. I have some tight pussy to fuck right now. Haven't fucked any since I slept with you so I basically have years to catch up on."
"Fuck you, Tegan. That's low. That's just low and disgusting. If you think that's how I'll be hurt, you're fucking wrong. Fuck you."
"Go fuck yourself you fat incest loving whore."
She slams the door before I get to leave. I walk to my place hurriedly. I'm not sad, no. I'm furious. I'm so angry. I scream loudly as soon as I'm in my place. Tears run out of my eyes but I'm not sad. I'm just angry at her. I will never understand Tegan. Why does she have to make me the evil one?
"Fuck you, Emy," I shout into my phone. "Why did you tell her what I'd said?"
"I…I…"
"Fuck you," I yell again. "I can't feed my daughter. She's been crying for three days."
"Sara, calm down. I didn't mean to say it, it just came out."
"My God, you're insufferable."
"Sara, I can feed Sally."
"You know what, I don't want anyone. I'll feed her on my own. I'll fucking do it. I'll do whatever it takes."
I go to the doctor the next day after work. Stacy wanted to hang out but I told her I had a checkup. I insist on taking a higher dose of the pills so I can lower my estrogen level enough to start producing milk. The doctor thinks my back and anxiety meds both are working against my quest.
I decide to stop both meds and spend every moment I'm free to pump. A week later I begin to notice the hormonal changes. The pain in my breasts increase and they're heavier than usual. My anxiety is working against me as well. Still no milk. Sally's been living on baby food but the tantrums I'm receiving each night are killing me.
Stacy notices how tensed up and bothered I've gotten as well.
"I stopped my meds," I tell her, trying to tidy up the messy living room as much as I can. She visited all of a sudden.
"That's not good," she whispers, helping me pick up the toys on the floor.
"I don't need you to tell me what's not good. I'll do what's best for my baby."
"Sara, calm down," she says quietly. Her eyes fall on the breast pump on the couch. "Any luck yet?"
"No," I say. I don't wanna cry. I pick up Sally from the floor and put her in her chair. I reach for the bowl of food to start feeding her. I notice Stacy's staring at me. I realize I look messy in my huge shirt and yoga pans. "I look disgusting, I know."
"You look sexy, actually," she says.
"You like the greasy hair and anxiety-ridden human I am?"
She giggles, nodding.
Stacy sees how hard it is to actually feed Sally. She ends up kicking the bowl on me, staining my shirt. Stacy picks her up because of me losing my temper and starting to curse. She starts rocking her, walking to and fro. Fuck you, Tegan. I rub my sore breasts gently, beginning to cry. Does this thing even work or is it just a myth? I googled it. I know it works but it probably takes more time. Or maybe it doesn't work for me. I should have started as soon as Tegan told me about it. I shouldn't have listened to my doctor.
"She's asleep," Stacy whispers.
"Oh my God."
"Yeah." She nods happily. "Where should I put her?"
"In her room. Let's go."
We put her in the crib and close the door behind.
"What if she cries?"
"I have the baby monitor device in my room. Let's get it."
I push the door to my room then notice my stained shirt through the mirror. I gasp. Stacy laughs.
"How do you even like me?" I pull up my shirt to change it.
"I don't just like you, I'm really attracted to you," she says, checking me out. I admit, the plus to those shitty pills is getting my boobs a size bigger. I can see her ogling eyes staring at them, admiring them.
"You know," I say, "since she's asleep, we should really just make out because who knows when she'll wake up."
"Wow, Sara, forward, aren't we?"
"Oh fuck off, we do that every day."
"True." She sits on the mattress, asking me to come closer to her. I sit on her lap, both legs around, facing her.
That's when I push it further. I'm not sure what made me do it; my jealousy of Tegan or my arousal or my frustration or my attraction to her. Maybe all of that.
"Stacy, fuck me," I say. "I want you to fuck me."
"Wow." I don't give her a chance to think. I lie down and remove my clothes completely. She's staring at me with wide eyes. "Fuck."
She takes off her clothes but not her underwear. She starts off by kissing me. I didn't want it to be romantic and slow. I just want to get off. Though, I let her. When her hand finally finds my river, I moan loudly.
"You're so wet," she whispers in my ear, kissing my earlobe.
"Finger me."
"I don't wanna hurt you. I heard it's kinda painful after birth."
"I've already fucked myself before. It's fine."
She's surprised by my honesty but I can see that she likes it. She pushes a finger in but I laugh. "Push two. I'm not tight down there." That's what Tegan said.
"Actually," she says, "pretty tight for someone who gave birth less than six months ago."
"Okay," I pant, "less talking more fucking."
She giggles, giving me a quick peck as she starts to thrust.
"Is it good?"
I nod, holding her arms tightly. I'm getting close and she has just started.
She starts sucking at my neck. I don't take long at all. I come after a minute. She pulls out, surprised.
"Fuck," I say, covering my face. "I'm sorry."
"No, I'm just…wow that was quick."
"It's been so long."
"I thought you said you touched yourself." She uncovers my face. Her blue eyes are staring down at me. The last time a woman with blue eyes looked at me while having sex was Emy, when Tegan and I both fucked her about two years ago.
I got so used to Tegan, it seems so foreign to me to look at somebody else.
"It isn't the same." I'm still aroused. "I'm still aroused, though," I admit it.
"Yeah?" She smiles, looking down at my body. I know she sees the tummy, the huge thighs, some stretch marks. I know she thinks that's because I had a baby. She doesn't know what happened to me before. She doesn't know my past and that's what relieves me.
"My clit," I whisper. "I want you to suck it."
Her eyes widen for a quick second before the heat climbs up to her face. I was never really a top with Tegan but with Stacy it looks like I will be.
She goes down on me and I have to muffle the sounds so I wouldn't wake up Sally. I grab her hair and pull as she sucks my clit.
She's good but she's not Tegan.
No, stop thinking of that asshole.
Every time I'm about to come, she pulls away to kiss my mound or my thighs.
"Stacy," I whine.
"What?" she asks, smirking.
"Please."
"You want to come?"
"Yeah."
"You'll have to wait a bit."
She knows exactly what she's doing. A moment later she's kissing me, two fingers inside and her thumb rubbing my clit. I find myself dragging my hand down her underwear. She moans as soon as I touch her fluids.
"Can I?" I ask once she stops kissing me.
"Yes, please."
I push two fingers inside. She moans against my chest.
"Suck on my nipples."
She looks up at me, hesitation on her face.
"Please, Stacy."
"But, doesn't it hurt?"
"It's fine. I like it that way."
She's scared I have milk, I know it. She does what I want, however. She rolls her tongue against my nipple and takes it in her mouth, sucking on it. I relish the pleasure, missing the nipple clamps too much.
"Oh God," I squeal, riding out her fingers. "This is good."
"Yeah. Do you have a dildo? I wanna fuck you with a dildo." She's massaging my walls, driving me crazy. I'm going to come. I can't take this.
"No. No," I lie. Sally's gonna wake up.
"We should get one," she says before she starts to fondle my other breast. I come right after, riding out my orgasm as she sucks on my nipple. She comes a second after, too. She pushes her face against my breasts, hurting me a bit too much.
I start to cry. The pain surges through my body. Pain from my back, my hips, my legs.
"Babe, I hurt you?" she asks, a concerned look on her face. I cry, shaking my head. I hurt myself. I really did. I wish that's Tegan cuddling with me right now. I wish I can get over her. Will I ever do that? "Oh, Sara, I'm sorry."
She strokes my hair and wipes my tears but they won't stop. She starts kissing my face then descends to my lips, my chin, my neck, behind my ears, beneath my collarbones, my chest, then goes down to take my left nipple in her mouth and sucks on it, she quickly switches to my right one and gives it the same treatment.
"Oh, my God," she shrieks, pulling away from me.
I try to sit up to see what's going on but I can't because of my back. Now I'm thinking of all the possible disasters; Tegan bursting in, the baby magically crawling inside, Stacy figuring out that I'm a liar. I thought of everything but not what I see right now. Stacy's wiping her lips, pointing at my chest. I look down, noticing the tiny drop of a white substance on my nipple. I gasp loudly.
"You're producing milk again," she says happily.
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God," I shout and yell with tears in my eyes. I sit up even though my back is killing me. I look down at my breast, squeezing it and more milk comes out. "This is a miracle. It's a fucking miracle."
"Calm down," Stacy's laughing. "It's not. You've been taking medication for it and pumping, of course it will come out." I try the other breast. The first two times nothing comes out, the third, tiny drops of milk ooze out of it. I have to tell Jessica. No, I have to tell everyone. I'm finally going to feel like a real mother.
"I have to feed her. Wake her up. I should feed her." I try to get up but Stacy steadies me.
"Sara, please relax. Wow! You weren't so much into feeding her a month ago, what happened?" She chuckles.
She doesn't fucking understand. Leave me alone. Leave me the fuck alone. Go away.
"No, I want my baby."
"Sara, just relax. It won't go anywhere. I'll get you the pump. Start pumping so you can increase it so when she wakes up you're prepared for her." I nod, only because I need my back to calm the fuck down.
She puts her clothes on and runs downstairs. I limp to the bathroom to pee and wash up. She gets back with the pump then excuses herself to the bathroom. I start pumping until I see her with an Advil in her hand.
"What's that?"
"For your back pain."
"How did you…"
"I could see it."
What else can you see, Stacy?
She stays with me and I really do appreciate that. She gives me a shoulder rub while I pump. I'm not producing much at all, but it's better than nothing. When Sally wakes up, she picks her up and changes her diaper. She brings her to me so I can try feeding her. My heart is pounding. What if it tastes funny? What if she doesn't like it? I don't know how to do this. What if I'm dreaming? How did this happen so quickly? I should have stopped my meds a long time ago. Sally wouldn't have been suffering.
"Come on," she says, "try."
I put Sally against my breast and wait for her to latch on like she always does. She doesn't, though. I look up at Stacy with panic.
"Push it in her mouth."
I don't know how to do this.
"Okay." I try to tease her lips with the nipple. Thankfully, she latches on, staring right up at me. I smile as she starts sucking. "Oh, my God."
"It's happening."
Sally pulls out, face wrinkled in disgust.
"No, no, no." I begin to cry again. "She hates it. She hates my milk. I knew this would happen."
"Sara," she says in astonishment. "Just calm down. We'll figure it out. Did you taste it?'
"No, I…" I gasp when I feel Sally latching on again, sucking with eyes closed and a hand resting on my breast. I take deep breaths. This is really a miracle.
"See?" Stacy's smiling happily. "It works out at the end." She pushes my hair away from my face and wipes my running tears with her fingers. "You are such a beautiful mother. Sally is so lucky you are her mum."
"Thank you." I kiss her hand when they're close to my lips. She traces my lips and I can only think of one other woman. And that other woman is right. I really am an incest loving whore.
"Stacy?" And that's why I should stop this behavior. I should try my best to get over Tegan. She doesn't want me. Sally and I don't need her anymore. "Will you be my girlfriend?"
"Oh, I thought we were already together." She winks. I chuckle, stroking my baby's hair. "Of course I will be your girlfriend." She snorts. "This is too high school. Be my girlfriend and stuff?" I laugh a bit, looking down at my baby.
Once I'm capable enough, I'll leave this house, too. I don't need anything from Tegan. I shouldn't need anything from her. I hope one day I'll be able to hate her like I'm supposed to.