Trigger Warning: mentions of abuse, mental illness and body image.

Tegan

You know, Sally, I had known that Sara was seeing Stacy before it was confirmed but I still had hope she wasn't, but then I saw it with my two eyes. It was real. I saw her laughter, her smile, her eyes glimmering, her cheeks red and alive. It was real. She moved on. I had no right to be angry or sad or do what I'd done but in that moment I lost it. My insides collapsed. You know that dream when you feel like falling and then you wake up? I kept falling but I didn't wake up. It was like I worked so hard to be sane that year and that was the breaking point, that's when the real breakdown happened. I couldn't tolerate it. My ill mind couldn't comprehend it. I had needed help and I refused to get it and that moment made me sink deeper inside my nightmares. It was like watching my mother date another guy all over again, I saw you there having a horrible future because of Sara dating many people that you couldn't tolerate. Worse, I saw you becoming attached to that woman, calling her mum, and loving her more than me. Part of it did happen and my jealousy was not something I could control. Back then when I lost control, I sought violence but I really did not want to do that; so I was violent towards myself. I abused myself, I hurt myself instead.

For a month I went to different bars and strip clubs and made my body a canvas to different people. I either returned with a woman, or went home with one. One day, I woke up next to a man. I couldn't remember what happened, but I woke up next to a man and I was naked. Everything felt like a blur to me. I wanted to know what happened and he showed me. I felt like I was a dead body and he was enjoying my frozen form.

I hated myself for hurting Sara. I hated myself for shouting at her. I hated myself for insulting her, for toying with her feelings. I wanted to punish myself, so I went to that man to punish me because I believed I deserved to be punished. I didn't tell anyone that. I only told Sara, only a few years ago. I was miserable. I tried to seek therapy but every session was worse than the one before. I really wanted the help I couldn't get and I knew I could only get it from Sara. When I reached that state of brokenness, I felt like I could go back to Sara, I could ask her for forgiveness even though my grandma's angry catholic eyes stared right into mine each night. I asked for her forgiveness. I went to church. I rarely went to church, but I went and prayed. I was five people inside one body.

Sara was nowhere in sight after I kicked her away from my door. The only way to see her was to watch her leave her house to go to work in the morning before I had to leave. I sat by my window day and night. I waited for a glimpse of Sara with you in her arms. I saw Stacy coming and leaving. Stacy spent the night sometimes. She brought food or groceries other times. My jealousy infuriated me, but I also knew I had caused it to myself. I don't get why my mind was so stubborn. I honestly don't understand it now but all I can tell you now, Sally, is that I truly couldn't let myself be with my sister and I couldn't forgive myself for loving her, wanting her, still being attracted to her. It was easy for her because she had suspected it a long time ago but kept denying it. She had seen the signs before everyone. She blamed her mind for being a fuck up when, actually, her mind was the one that was functioning properly. Sara had also read many books about incest, had written papers, had many theories. It's like she understood her fate was going to be related to that issue way before I existed in her life. Perhaps it's true what they say that you attract what your mind thinks of.

I don't even remember how I got out of it. I just remember I got so busy with work all of a sudden that I came home late, did not go to bars, and stopped having women over. Then Emy started to visit every evening to cook with me and chat. I tried to be a good friend; I tried my best to understand her because my relationship with her was rocky during that time. I guess what made her finally get close to me was Sara isolating herself away from everyone. We both watched as Sara either left her place or came back or as Stacy visited. Sara did not seem happy whenever she entered or left. I knew when Sara was happy and I knew when she was bothered. I couldn't understand why and I did not have the gut to ask her. Emy tried to figure it out but Sara told her she was just tired. We figured Sara did not want to tell her anything because she was going to tell me. Mum tried to call Sara and talk to her but Sara told her everything I had said and she did not like that. Getting back on my medication was good, though. Therapy began to work and I felt just a bit better than before, but I was still sad. Every time I saw a glimpse of her I felt a pinch in my chest. I had two choices: to let it go and leave her alone, or to try to be close to her as a sister and an aunt to you and suck on the pain I was going to endure. I chose the latter; I just didn't know how to approach her. However, it's like you knew my mind was made up on reconciling with her.

I hear the ringtone of my phone from across the room as I stand in front of the mirror trying to tie my blue tie. A tie was a bad idea. Sara used to tie it for me but now I'm struggling. The phone keeps ringing. I walk to the nightstand where it's left charging and look at the caller ID. I pause for a second, my hand loosening around the blue silk.

Sara?

Why?

It's as if she heard me.

But what does she want?

Maybe Sally's sick?

My hand wavering, I pick up the phone and greet her with a shaky voice.

Nothing.

I hear nothing.

"Sara?" I call.

I hear a squeal.

"Sara? Who is that?" Another squeal. "What the hell?" I walk out towards the living room and stand in front of my window. The house in front of me is still and silent. I hear gurgling sounds and then I hear a giggle and a squeal. "Sally?" I call. The baby squeals again. "Oh, God."

Did she really leave her kid alone using the phone? Maybe she wants Sally to hear my voice but she doesn't wanna say anything?

"Sara?" I call again but the baby keeps making more sounds.

I stay on the phone and hear Sally's voice for over ten minutes as I finish getting dressed. I do what I do next every day; I stand in front of the window and wait for Sara to leave as I eat my breakfast, except this time I'm on the phone with a baby who somehow has dialed me and I have no idea how she did that.

Minutes pass and Sara does not leave. I call her name many times but she doesn't respond. To be honest, I am beginning to worry. I have to go to work now but Sara did not leave and the baby is still gurgling in my ears without her mother even noticing what's going on.

I do the best thing my mind can come up with. I take the keys to her house and cross the road, still on the phone. I unlock the door but I'm met with frightening silence. Here, I begin to lose my nerves. My heart drops and my body sweats.

"Sara?" I call. Maybe she's staying over at Stacy's. They probably left Sally alone to have sex or something. "Where are you?"

I go up the stairs and head towards her room. Before I reach her room, I hear the gurgling sounds, both from the phone and the closed door of the room. I open the door slowly and find two bodies on the mattress: Sara in deep sleep and Sally sitting up next to her with the phone in her mouth. I end the call and walk up to the baby.

"Damn, what happened in here?" Sally starts squealing, moving her arms up, ready to be carried. But I just can't move. I'm stunned by the sight of my flesh and blood so grown. Her hair has become thicker and her face chubbier. I look down at Sara. I don't understand what's going on but I don't want her to freak out when she sees me here. I take the phone from Sally's hand gently and Sally throws herself over her mother's body to get to me. Sara groans.

"Shit, Sally, wait," I whisper. "Look how many people you have called by mistake. Oh my God." How did Sara leave her like that?

Sara groans again when Sally's small hand starts hitting her arm. It looks like she wants attention or wants to play. I pick Sally up but the smell kills me. "Ugh, you're stinky."

I sit down on the edge of the mattress, right next to the sleeping form. I'm too scared, but I gotta wake her up. I start out gently, shaking her covered arm. She does not budge. "Sara?" I whisper. "Sally, no." I take away Sally's hand as she tries to slap her mother's face. Next she slaps mine. "Bad girl." She repeats it. "Sally," I whine.

"Tegan?" I look down and Sara's eyes are open in slits. She closes them again, probably thinking it's a dream.

"Sara," I call again, louder this time, barely able to hold onto Sally's movement. "It's me. Umm…I'm sorry I'm here. I just…" She opens her eyes again, staring at me. "Sally dialed my number…by mistake…I thought…I thought something happened. I…"

"I'm not feeling good," she says, tears falling from her eyes. "I can't move."

"What's wrong?"

Shakily, my hand reaches her forehead where the touch burns. "Holy, shit," I yell. "You're burning." She nods, closing her eyes again.

I don't know what to do. I feel lost. I suck at taking care of people. I've done it to her before, but circumstances were much different. I keep looking at her, tears falling and body shaking. I pull up the duvet to cover her body and feel her forehead again. That's not good. I have to do something.

"Sara?" I call again but she does not answer. "What do you exactly feel?" No answer. "Umm, does anyone know you're sick?" No answer. "Sara, please answer me. I'm getting worried."

"Stacy," she whispers, eyes still closed.

"Stacy knows?"

"Yeah." She turns around to rest on her back, groaning with the movement, more tears fall from her eyes as she lets out a moan.

"Where is Stacy?"

"Work." Her eyes are now open.

How did she leave her alone like this? If she's her girlfriend and actually cares about her, she should not have left her.

"Change her diaper," Sara says.

I look down at stunned Sally, looking at her mother with wide eyes.

"Oh…alright."

I do as I'm told. I walk up to Sally's room and change for the infant on the changing table. Sally takes her right foot in her mouth and starts sucking her toes.

"No, don't do that." I pull it out but she shrieks, getting it back in her mouth. "You babies are nasty."

I get her back to the room and put her on the bed next to Sara. I sit down right next to her resting head and look at her. I don't know how to do this. I know she hates me and I know I deserve it but I just really want to make things better between us.

I wanna take her hand and apologize, just kiss it and kiss her. I want to hold her in my arms. I wish I can do that. I can only cry while watching her look at me with her cold eyes.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper, staring directly at her. "You have every right to hate me and not want me near you."

She remains silent.

"I can't justify my actions and I'm not going to blame it on my mental illness but I really don't know why I did what I did and I really regret it." I sniffle, taking a look at stunned Sally. "I've been thinking about coming here to talk to you but I chickened. I just can't stand the fact that there's another woman in your life." I pause, gathering my thoughts. "I know, I know I shouldn't say this because I'm the one who destroyed everything between us and you deserve to be happy but I can't let go of the fact that…" I hiccup, taking one more look at Sally, whose eyes are now full of tears as she's staring at me. Do babies understand sadness? Do they understand it when somebody is sad? "That Sally's gonna end up like me."

"What do you mean?"

"That you'll move from one woman to another and she'll get zero time or attention or worse…she'll…be…" I look down, taking a deep breath.

"No," Sara says loudly. "I would never let that happen. I would never let my child be around someone like that. Stacy is not like that. I won't ever make Sally less of a priority in my life. Your mother's mistakes are your mother's not mine."

"And what if she gets too attached to Stacy? She calls her mum? She thinks she is her mother?"

She tries to sit up but winces and gives up. I'm guessing it's her back but I don't get why her back is the issue when she has had another surgery a few months ago.

"Stacy is my girlfriend and I like her, but she's certainly not Sally's mother and would never be. To the world, I am a single mother who wanted to have her on my own and Sally will grow up knowing Stacy as my partner and not her mother. Behind closed doors, when it's just us around, you are her mother and maybe one day we'll decide to tell her that, but for now, I am her only mother and that's how it will go so you don't have to worry about it."

I nod, wiping my tears.

"You know what's my problem?" I shake my head. "I could never hate you no matter what you do." I nod. "So you really don't have to worry about that because it's like I'm cursed."

"Me, too," I whisper, but I shouldn't have, because she really hasn't done anything to me for me to hate her.

We fall into an awkward silence for awhile. I try not to stare at her but I can't help it. She looks different. Not a bad different, she just doesn't look like the same Sara I yelled at a month and a half ago. Sally looks different, too. Her looks are more like Jeremy's than mine. She has his eyes and his curls. She's chubby and has red cheeks.

"She's cute, right?" I nod, looking back at the foreign face I've known for so long. I watch her as she swallows then attempts to speak. I hand her the water bottle that's on her nightstand and she takes it, gulping way too much.

"Sara, what's going on with you?" I ask. "What happened?"

"I don't know," she says. "It's been getting worse."

"What are you feeling?"

"Like my body is on lead." She plays with Sally's hand and Sally plays with hers. It's a beautiful scene to watch. "I feel broken."

"Why didn't you go to the doctor?"

"It was okay before but…today was just…I couldn't get out of bed."

"Yeah, your fever is bad." I touch her forehead again, but this time she flinches so I pull my hand away from her. "You know what's good for a fever?" She shakes her head. "A good cold bath."

"No."

"Seriously, Sara, a good bath will calm you down. I can prepare it for you. I'll make it warm first."

She declines, but she seems reluctant with her decision, so I ask again. "Sara, are you sure? Talk to me, please."

"I just want you to help me stand up so I can go pee," she says. I nod, giving up.

Helping her is a bit hard because she can't support herself.

"Sara, it's your back." She nods, holding my shirt for dear life. "What happened to your back?" I walk her to the bathroom but what I see makes me blink twice. "Umm…whose pump is this?" I point at the breast pump on the counter.

She looks at me with deadpan features before she answers, "It's mine." She pushes me, leaning against the wall. "Get out."

"Are you sure you can?" I have so many questions and I need so many answers but she's cold and I don't blame her.

"Yes," she says.

I wait outside, not closing the door fully. I don't want her to fall and hurt herself more. She needs to see a doctor soon.

Sally stars to crawl on the mattress, getting closer to the edge. I hurry to pick her up, which makes her cry immediately. I go inside the bathroom and find Sara crying while she's on the toilet. "Uh…I'm so sorry, I just…" She looks up at me, reaching a hand to wipe her tears. I feel lost. Sally's still crying.

"She's hungry. I have to feed her." I watch her as she wipes and gets up, struggling to pull her underwear and shorts up. She limps to the sink to wash her hands then reaches for the breast pump and walks out of the bathroom steadily, too afraid to fall. She sits back on her mattress and unzips her hoodie.

"Umm…What…I don't understand," I say. Sally's too fussy, trying her best to reach out to her mother.

"I've been feeding her," she says. "I've done what you said. I took all those drugs to feed her and it worked."

Now everything makes sense.

"Sara," I say, "you know you shouldn't have."

"You can't tell me that. You have no right," she says loudly. She even seems confused of what to do with the pump at the moment. She's too dizzy to think. She looks at Sally for a bit then at the pump.

"Shit, shit, wait." I put Sally down to support her back as she holds her head, too dizzy to stay conscious. "You're not good. You're off your medication. You don't have energy."

I let her rest her head against the pillow and watch her cry.

"Why is your back still fucked up? I thought you had a surgery." She nods. "Then what happened?"

"Yes, I still had to stay on some drugs for awhile but I can't do it while I'm breastfeeding. I also stopped my anxiety pills but I don't get why I'm getting this tired. I feel nauseous and I can barely carry myself."

"That's because you need vitamins and nutrients in your body," I say. Sally wants to jump on her but I take her again, which makes her cry…again. By now, I'm her worst enemy. "Please tell me you're on supplements and vitamins."

"No," she says, squinting at me. "I have to?"

"Yes, you have to." I look at her for a second, waiting for her to tell me she was joking but she doesn't. "You never went to the doctor to do this?"

"I did. I just didn't go after…it happened. I mean it happened…in a really weird way…it just…happened by surprise." Her face turns red and that's actually a bit of a comfort because she looked like a ghost a minute ago.

"That's why you're weak. You're basically giving everything to her so…" I shrug. "Your hormones are all messed up now by the way."

"I know." She sits up again, reaching for whiny Sally. "It's fine, she needs to nurse," she says before I can object.

I'm just surprised by this. I never thought it would work even when I learned about it. It doesn't make me feel jealous; I just feel comfort and peace. She was destined to be her biological mother. The way she treats her and takes care of her comes naturally and now she can feed her…it's just a beautiful miracle. I do feel some guilt, however. She's doing it because I stopped but it was affecting my mental health not being on my meds and now it's affecting her health that she's not on any meds. I don't want that. Sally's old enough to consume food now.

My eyes widen when I see her bare breast. Our eyes meet and she blushes furiously. "I'm sorry, I'm just…" I chuckle, turning my head. "Your nipples…whoa."

She doesn't say anything. I look back at her; she's looking down at Sally as she's feeding. She's even getting too big for this.

"I'm sorry I said that," I whisper.

She looks up at me, the smile she had as she was looking at her daughter is slowly fading, but I still enjoy the last bits of it. "Yours weren't any smaller when you fed her," she says, too coyly. Her face is on fire.

"Still aren't," I whisper, clearing my throat.

"I barely have milk. It always stops after few minutes and I spend the whole day pumping so I can feed her again at night but we figured out a way for her to consume baby food." We…I have to digest that there's a we now. "At daycare they showed me a couple of tricks. There's this spoon. Not a spoon but like some type of an object you fill with mashed food and she sucks on it. She likes it." I'm just smiling as she fills me in right now. How is she that good-hearted? After all I've done she can't even hold a grudge, always giving me chances, always forgiving. "I fill it with Greek yogurt and some frozen berries and give it to her and she keeps sucking on it till she's done and she gives it back to me so I can fill it again. It's so cute." She looks up at me; her smile is genuine and relaxed. "I feel like I am her real mother. I finally feel it." She wipes a falling tear. "So I endure whatever type of pain that comes with it because I just want that feeling to last."

"You have no idea how happy hearing that makes me feel." I wish I can caress her cheek right now and I truly want it but I don't think she'll let me. "That past month was hell for me." She nods. "And I deserve it." She nods again. "I don't want to hurt you anymore. I want to be close to you and to Sally and I want you to forgive me for everything I couldn't give you because that's all I can do, Sara. I love you and that's all I can do."

"I understand," surprisingly, she answers. "Can you go down and get me some Greek yogurt and frozen berries in a small bowl? Just stir them and they'll mesh together." I nod, getting up. "Oh, and I need the spoon thingy. You can find it next to her bottles in the kitchen. It's yellow."

"Alright." Sally's already getting whiny, seems like she's running out of milk. I feel like Sara is superwoman. She's doing everything right now. She's a mother, she's working, she's feeding a baby, risking her health, and she's doing it all on her own.

Sara shows me how Sally takes the spoon and starts sucking on it while she sits next to her on the mattress. She looks at the two of us with wide eyes, smiling when Sara smiles.

I convince her to swallow a painkiller for her back and she actually listens to me for once; she must be in a lot of pain to do that.

I call my work to tell them I'm not coming today, forgetting I have an important meeting I have to be there for. Sara is more important than any business right now.

Sally throws the yellow object at her when she's done, demanding more to be put in the pacifier-like spoon. I think that's just a great invention for kids like her. Sara scoops some yogurt in the plastic part and locks it with the yellow handle then gives it to Sally, who squeals when she wraps her small hands around it. Sara looks at me with a raised brow before I say goodbye on the phone and I laugh, making her smile.

"You don't have to skip work."

"Of course I do." I use the duvet to cover her body because she's shaking. She mumbles a quick thank you. "I think it's a sign Sally dialed me up by mistake and I came here."

"I have to apologize to all the people she called and texted." I laugh loudly, making Sally join me for absolutely no reason other than wanting attention. "That's the first time she laughs," Sara says in surprise.

"Really? She's been giggling on the phone all morning. Interesting conversation we had."

"Wow, she's imitating me." Sara laughs, looking at the baby now immersed in her food.

"She's a smart baby."

"Yeah."

I let Sara rest a little bit. She closes her eyes, shivering and shaking. I get her a jacket but she refuses to wear it. She has to go get some vitamins. I have to take her to a doctor.

"Stacy lives here?" I ask her, too afraid of the answer.

If I can find her green blanket, I'm sure she'll take it, but God knows where she hid it.

"No," she says, "she stays here sometimes, though…I mean…she…"

"Spends the night," I finish for her, nodding while not facing her. I don't want her to see my jealous eyes because I promised her. I'll break my promise when I'm alone, not in front of her.

"She's coming here after school in case you want to leave before she's here." She wants me to stay?

I turn around; grabbing the green blanket I was looking for. "When she comes here, she should babysit Sally while I take you to the doctor. You need vitamins urgently.

"Umm…Sally should have been at daycare but I couldn't even get out of bed. She woke up crying so I got her in my room and called Stacy to tell her I won't make it to work then I just fell asleep. That's how you found me."

"You're still not better," I tell her, covering her body with the blanket. She agrees with a nod. "You know, breastfeeding can really fuck up your system if you're not prepared for it. I wasn't. When you left with Sally and came here, I suffered a lot with it."

"I know," she says. "I don't even know if she's actually getting nutrients from me or this is just fake milk. The pain alone is one thing, but the hormonal changes are another." She sighs. "I haven't had a period since ever and as much as I like that, I don't think my body likes it so much."

"Well, be prepared for the worst one of your life very soon. Remember how bad mine was?"

"Was that because of the breastfeeding?"

"I mean breastfeeding delays it, you know." I shrug, reaching a hand to feel her forehead once again. "Shit, that's hot."

"Don't curse," she whispers.

"Sorry." I take off my blazer and loosen my tie. "I'll go get you something to eat. I'll take Sally with me. Just rest, alright?" She nods, ready to close her eyes.

Downstairs, I rummage through the fridge while watching Sally as she sits in her turquoise Bumbo chair. She's a very active baby, always moving around or in need for something to touch. When she finds nothing, she grabs her feet and plays with them. It's funny to watch, but I worry she might be developing ADHD like me. I don't want to talk to Sara about it now, but I hope if it's not normal, she notices it soon enough.

I scramble two eggs, grill two hot dogs and put a toast with butter next to it for Sara to enjoy. I also brew some coffee for her, knowing too well she won't say no even if she's nursing. By the time she feeds Sally again at night the effect of the caffeine will be gone.

I find a Nutella jar in her cupboard. I put a spoon into the food feeder thingy Sally has and give it to her. This will get her more active but I wanna see if she has a sweet tooth.

She makes the strangest face when she tastes it, so I guess that's her first time. She tries it again, chewing at the plastic part. "You like that, Snowball?" She tastes it a third time, finally smiling at me. "Oh, you like chocolate just like your mummy, don't you?" I giggle when she keeps sucking the object. "Your auntie likes chocolate, too." I ruffle her hair but she pushes my hand away, enjoying her Nutella way too much. "Why don't we go check on mummy?"

I pick the Bumbo up with her in it. She seems scared but the walk to Sara's bedroom isn't long. Sara's not in the room when I enter, so I walk to the joined bathroom. I knock on the door but nobody answers. I knock again, she does not respond. I panic and go inside. She jumps up, staring at me with fear from her place in the tub.

My hand against my chest, I take a deep breath. "God, I thought something happened to you." I watch her horror soften; her face relaxes slowly. "I'm sorry."

"I thought a bath would help like you said. I don't feel good at all."

"What do you feel?" I walk closer to her, but I watch the horror rise again. She covers her chest, as if I haven't seen it a few minutes ago.

"Cold," she says, shivering.

"Let me check the water."

"No, I adjusted it," she says defensively when I put my hand in the water. "Tegan, where's Sally?"

"In the room, in her Bumbo chair."

"Don't leave her alone."

"Okay, umm…." I walk away from her. "I gave her some Nutella in the teether spoon or whatever that thing is. She likes it, is that okay?"

"You found my Nutella jar?" Her eyes widen, face goes red. "I hid that."

"I was checking if you had peanut butter." I take a look outside, Sally's still enjoying her Nutella. "Was I not supposed to find it?"

"No, it's my guilty pleasure and…" Stacy was not supposed to know.

"I made you coffee," I say. She looks up, stars in her eyes. "Yup, really," I say before she could say anything.

"Can you get it here?"

"Don't you want it with your breakfast?" I ask.

"I want something warm."

Why does it feel so normal? Why does this feel so ordinary? Why is she so nice towards me when I insulted the shit out of her less than two months ago?

"Okay, look, why don't you…" I'm interrupted by Sally's sudden cry. She's probably scared alone. I walk out to get her and put the chair in front of the door. She sees her mum and starts opening and closing her hands, dropping the spoon. "Oh, she wants you."

"Yeah, I should probably get out of here."

"Wait a minute. I'll help you out." I walk up to her, grabbing her towel. "I don't want you to get cold." She attempts to stand but fails. I put the towel against my shoulder and try to lift her up, putting my hands beneath her arms. "Can I?" She nods quickly, too cold and tired to care. She splashes me with water, wrapping her wet arms around my neck, fearing she'll slip. I don't think she's very conscious right now. She seems to be losing her consciousness whenever she sits up for too long. She probably hasn't eaten in days. She probably has low blood pressure.

I don't notice it at first, but when she flinches and gasps, I realize my hands have brushed past her sides, came in contact with her breasts and ribs. I support her back while I wrap the towel around her, and she covers me with water when she jumps out of the tub.

Then I do what I can't avoid anymore; I kiss her cheek, nuzzling my nose against her warm skin. I feel her hand squeezing my flesh and I wish I can kiss her lips to show her I still love her but I know if I did, I'd lose it and I might hurt her again when I lose it. Right now, kissing her cheek feels so innocent and normal. It doesn't make me feel sick so I do it again, crying against her cheek and she lets me do it for as long as I want. I can feel her breathing, how steady it is. I can feel her wheezing chest. I can also hear her soft sobs. I miss her. I miss her so much.

When I finally let go and look into her eyes, I see her searching for the last bits of hope in mine and I shake my head to show her I can't give her that hope when I'm not certain. I can't do it when I know I might wake up the next day regretting it. I guess this time around, I really have to take my time and think and wait for the right moments for me because the guilt is still alive, and, sadly, it beats louder than my love for her. I don't understand why, but it does.

She sits on her mattress hugging the towel, a shivering mess. I search for clothes for her and for me to wear. She gives me the freedom to choose anything for me and asks for something warm for her. I find her a big hoodie to cover her frail body. I get her sweatpants, too. I get her socks and underwear and she dresses in front of me while I strip out of my wet clothes right in front of her eyes. We've done it a million times before but we've never been so afraid and bashful as we are now. I change into one of her sweaters and jeans. She nurses her cup of coffee while looking at her daughter, both of them sharing eye contact in full silence. It's like I'm looking at an image. Sally seems so fascinated with her mother and Sara seems so out of it.

"Sara, eat your food. Don't just drink coffee." I take the plate, stabbing the egg with the fork and next thing I know I'm feeding her.

"Stacy doesn't let me drink coffee," she admits, chewing her food.

"Why do you listen to her?" I ask, a bit too loud.

"Because she's right." Sara takes another sip. "Sally won't sleep with coffee in her system. It's not good."

"It's your body," I say.

"It's Sally's food and body." She sighs. "But sometimes I need it."

"She doesn't let you eat Nutella, too?" She gives me a strange look, squinting at me.

"No," she says. "I just don't like to get fatter than I already am. I feel embarrassed that I eat this like a child."

"You're not fat."

"Ha!" She chuckles loudly, shaking her head.

"You deserve to hate me for saying what I said to you." I shrug. "I hate me for it."

"It's not like you lied. You just held it in for too long and now you said it."

"No." I huff. "You're not fat and you're not anything I said. I wanted to hurt you because I was hurt."

She remains silent. I wait for her to say something, but her silence is justified because there is nothing to be said. I caused this pain to myself. She had nothing to do with it. It was never her fault. It was always my mother's fault and our grandmother's fault. It wasn't ours, yet we're paying the price. The thought of it alone is nerve-wracking. Why did we meet and fall in love if we were destined to find out we're sisters? Does the universe work that way? Does God work that way? Is there something about hurting us and making us suffer that's fun to the universe? Mum is not paying the price and neither is my dead grandmother, whom I'm beginning to hate.

Sara finally falls asleep after her breakfast, so I take Sally and leave the room. We spend some time in the nursery. I put Sally on her colorful play mat on the floor and put a toy far away from her, letting her crawl to it till she could get it. Her crawling isn't that good yet, but when she wants something she does her best to get it. She sees the pacifier in my hand and strives to reach it, unable to lift herself up, so I pick her up and cuddle with her.

"You're the cutest." She puts the pacifier in her mouth and relaxes, holding my arms on both sides. "Who's the cutest?" I ask in a baby voice. "It's Sally." I kiss her cheek, reaching for my phone to take a picture of the two of us. She tries to reach it but I put it away. She starts whining, thinking I'd actually give her my phone. "No," I say. "Phones aren't toys." She turns around looking at me with her sad eyes. I peck her little nose and smile. She forgets the phone and giggles. "Do you know who I am? Do you remember me? I am Tegan. I am your auntie." And your mum but I won't say that in front of you because soon enough you'll start to grasp things and concepts easily and quickly.

I text the picture to Jeremy and send him a voice message after. "Guess who's this?" I laugh. "That's your mini-me."

He calls me right away.

"Holly shit."

"A hi would be nice but okay."

"She's so beautiful."

"She looks just like you."

"I know. I have a picture and I'm also wearing the same thing as her and have a pacifier in my mouth. I'll try to find it."

"A girly pink overall?" I question.

"Yes, those were my sister's hand me downs." He laughs. "And why is she wearing pink? Why the gender norms?"

"I don't know. I found her like that. Sara dresses her." I look down, noticing she's falling asleep in my arms. "She's so cute."

"You're welcome."

"I'm pretty sure my genes helped too so shut up."

"I didn't even say anything." He snorts. "You're good now?" I hum. "Better?"

"Yeah."

"Wanna tell me what happened?"

"Not now." I yawn. "She's falling asleep. I don't want my emotions waking her up."

And I don't want my emotions to be shared with my friends or family members. Suppressing them is much better. The only person who deserves a fair share of what I feel and think is Sara and that's because it's about me and her. Other than that, no one gets to see it unless I decide to share when I am ready.

Stacy is a bit surprised to see me in the house, taking care of Sara and Sally. I don't blame her; I haven't been around since the day of the argument at this house. Sara has probably filled her head with what an awful being I am.

She makes soup for Sara while I bathe Sally quickly. When I'm in Sara's room again, I find them whispering. I also find her feeding Sara. It's like the scene is too familiar. My green envy is a vision inside my eyes. I stare till I remember the same scene years ago with Sara sick and Emy feeding her. I chuckle to myself but they both notice it.

"Umm," I speak up after clearing my throat. "She's all good but she's hungry."

"Yeah, it's her food time," Sara says. "I pumped for her last night. You can find a bottle in the fridge." I nod.

"It's fine. I'll get it," Stacy says, standing up after leaving the bowl on the nightstand. "You should take her to the doctor. She told me you're taking her to get a checkup."

"Yeah, I am." I'm trying to avoid her as much as I can but it's hard when we're standing next to each other. She clearly doesn't like me and I obviously don't. I don't know how this is gonna go when we can't stand each other but I have to try to at least put up with her for Sara and Sally.

"Stace, if she's still hungry, you know what to do."

"Mashed potatoes all the way." The smile she sends Sara is beautiful and full of affection. Sara's cheeks are red and I can see the admiration in her eyes. Maybe this person will actually make her happy, happier than I ever made her feel. Maybe she'll forget me and move on and I'll just be a sister to her. Maybe this person will love her without hurting her ever and she will realize that I was the bump in the road till she found her straight path. But, to me, I don't think I can love another and I have to live with that.

The car ride is quiet so I play some music. I look at her every few seconds to check if she is alright but I don't really know what to say because there's nothing to say when you don't know what to begin with. I just let it be till we get to the clinic.

Like I expected, she needs vitamins, supplements, and a strong body to feed her baby. I ask her why she's feeding Sally when she's already consuming solids and she just looks at me as if I don't understand anything. Maybe I don't, but sometimes I want someone to explain everything to me. I settle for my ignorance and get her the vitamins she needs. When I'm about to pay she whips out her credit card and hands it to the pharmacist. Again, I settle for rejection and swallow my words.

"You can come in if you want," she says when I drop her off.

"I have a feeling you don't want it to so I'm not gonna take your offer." She sighs.

"I don't want you near Stacy or Stacy near you." She's honest when I can't be that. She's not afraid to share her feelings when I can't do that. How can she do it easily when I'm a chicken? She has always been honest and true to herself and I've always been a scared little wimp.

"I don't want to be near her as well," I admit or try to at least. She nods.

"Thank you for today." She takes a deep breath, one leg out of the car and the other inside. "One day, Tegan, we'll be fine with that." She nods, as if she's trying to convince herself.

I don't go home because I don't want to face my demons so I seek punishment again. I go to his house and wait outside in my car till he's home. He lets me in and gives me water.

"You still don't wanna talk?" he asks.

"No," I say. "We're not friends."

"Ouch." He clears his throat. "You're using me for my body." He chuckles.

"Yes, I am." I stand up, walking to his bedroom. He's the only person I can be honest with because I have absolutely no feelings towards him. "Are we gonna do this?"

"Alright." He closes the door and opens the drawer of his nightstand to get a condom. I remove my pants and underwear and spread my legs, waiting for his body to completely erase mine as he jumps on top of me and thrusts till he's tired and I'm emotionless.

"You're not that wet," he says. "I'm not gonna fuck you when you're not wet."

"Ted, please." I grimace, waiting for his fingers to stop touching me. "Just do it, I don't care."

"No." He starts kissing me even though he knows how much I hate that. "God, you have to be such a dyke?"

"Bitch, don't say that." I push him off, straddling him instead. "I hate doing this." I sigh, grabbing his dick and lowering myself slowly till I find my entrance. I close my eyes, bearing the sting that comes with not being sufficiently aroused. I don't know why I'm doing this but it feels good to hurt myself the way I hurt her. It's like I'm finally getting clean, finally repenting. He holds my hips to steady my shaking but I push his hands away. "Let go."

"You're violent." I roll my eyes, beginning to ride him. "Can I look at your breasts?"

"Yes, but you can't touch them." I take my top off and remove my bra. He always seems fascinated with the piercing. I've just put the barbells back on two weeks ago and I'm still sore because of the abrupt weaning.

I rub my clit in front of him but I don't let him do it to me. When he comes, he turns me around and pulls out of me. I cross my legs together, waiting for the pain to diminish. "You really never come?" he asks stupidly.

"Men don't' make women orgasm."

"Yes, we do." I snort. "I made many girls orgasm."

"They lied to you." I snort again.

"What do you know? You've only slept with women."

"And slept with you enough to know you can't make a woman come unless she's touching herself as well." He seems butthurt, but I don't care.

He lies next to me, which I don't like so I shift away from his sweaty body. "I have a friend…"

"Mmm."

"Let me continue," he says frustratingly.

"I didn't interrupt."

"Okay. My friend is bisexual and she's…she doesn't mind having a threesome. Can I?" I laugh loudly. "What?"

"Nothing." I shake my head. "You want her to sleep with me?"

"A threesome."

"Oh, no." I get up. "I don't want that now." I start getting dressed, ignoring my growing arousal. "If I ever do, I'll give you a call." I grab my keys and sunglasses and walk towards the door. "Thank you, by the way."

The last thing I hear before heading home is his defeated 'You're welcome.' I get myself rid of his touch in the shower and get off on my own, watching another picture that could actually make me come. Sara lying on a mattress, completely naked, asking me to touch her, smiling and giggling and blushing while I fuck her. Then I imagine her going down on me, whispering my name, touching my skin, kissing my lips. I cry and come and forget about it all right after.

I take my car for a ride to Emy's place. We have dinner as I tell her about everything that happened during the day.

"I'm really happy all this happened today." She scoops more mac and cheese into our plates. "Sally saved the day." We both laugh, chewing our food.

"At least now she'll be friendlier to you," I say.

"I hope so." She takes a sip of water then continues, "It's been so awkward between us lately. When I call her, she barely says anything. It's like she just wants me to fuck off."

"I guess I ruined it all." She shrugs. "Bitch, you agree."

"You kinda did." She sighs. "But I did, too. I'm a fucking snitch and I can't help it." She gets up. "I'll go check on Pearl. Keep on eating."

She comes back after a few seconds with the baby in her arms. "I found this little chipmunk awake." She sits down, rocking her baby. "Hey, Pearl. Say hi to Tegan." She tries to turn the small baby around but Pearl hides in her mother's chest, instantly crying when she sees the face of a stranger. "It's okay, it's okay." She begins to shush her. Her face grows red, embarrassed that her daughter can't get used to other people but her two mothers.

"I thought with daycare she'd be me more flexible with other people." Emy sighs. "I mean she sees you every day."

"Go easy on her." She begins unbuttoning her shirt to feed the baby. "It has to do with her hearing and vision or it's just…"

"I don't know." She continues eating her dinner while her baby nurses. "Her doctor says she's not showing signs of atypical development but I just worry."

"Give her time. Sally wasn't friendly at four months, too." She nods. "I can't believe Sara is feeding her. Like…from her tits." I lower my gaze, watching her baby nursing in peace.

"I can't believe it either." I look up, meeting her flushed face. She pauses then continues, "but I'm happy she's finally doing it."

"It's affecting her health." When Emy doesn't respond, I continue, "I had sex today."

She looks up at me, eyebrows raised.

"Em…" I chuckle. "You know that I have sex every day."

"I thought you quit that."

"I needed it." She shakes her head in disappointment.

"It's like drugs to you."

"Well, it's healthy." I yawn. "I'll wash the dishes, you continue nursing."

Later, we enjoy a quiet evening in the living room, me drinking some wine and her settling for juice. She lets me go over her finances and I help her with organizing a system of payment which will not get her in trouble until she can fix her financial situation. I offer to help her financially, but like Sara, she refuses.

She stops me before I'm about to leave. "I need a favor," she whispers with a hand over my shoulder.

"Yes, Em?"

She takes a deep breath before speaking. "I've been wondering."

"About?" I cross my legs on the couch and look at her.

"Okay, so sex…" She's hesitant, pausing between her words. I motion for her to continue. "I'm scared of getting back to sex."

"Oh." I chuckle, my nerves beginning to ascend to my skull. "That's normal."

"I'm seriously terrified." She inhales, locking her breath in for a few seconds until she exhales. "I read the first time after birth hurts like hell."

"Well, kinda." I don't know what to tell her exactly. It's always been awkward discussing sex with her in particular. I'm not sure why. I've had sex with her many times, but I guess that's the reason why. "Just try it on your own the first time. That's what I did."

"It's not the same," she mumbles in a whiny tone. "I want someone I trust to help me with that."

Oh, no. No, no, no. "Em…"

"Listen to me." Again, her hand is on my arm. "You're the only person I can trust who has been through this and I know you'll be gentle." I laugh. I laugh loudly because the irony is not only funny, but silly as well.

"So then you'll accuse me of being violent? Or accuse me of hurting you way too much…or maybe hitting you?"

Her demeanor changes immediately. Her pleading smile is exchanged for a confused frown. Her hand is nowhere near me.

"No," she whispers.

"Emy, you don't trust me. Why would you lie to yourself and to me?"

"No, I do." She sighs. "When you're on your medication, living a healthy life, I do trust you." When I don't add a comment, she continues, "I know what happened in the past was out of your control. I know that too well. I understand it, which is why I was so scared the whole time you were going through a rough time with Sara, not on your meds, emotionally tired." I nod.

"I guess I'll have to live my life proving I'm a good person." I chuckle.

"You are a good person." Her body's now closer to mine. "If you weren't, I wouldn't be near you right now. I wouldn't get my daughter near you. If you weren't, I wouldn't be asking you to have sex with me." She grabs my hand and squeezes it. "I wouldn't have trusted you to touch me for the first time after my pregnancy."

"What if your feelings get in the way of this?" I seem to have startled her with the question. She bites her lip, thinking of an answer.

"I admit that I am emotionally tired right now and that I do love you very much…but as a friend, not a lover." She smiles. "I do love having sex with you, though."

"I know." She raises an eyebrow. "I mean who doesn't?"

We go to her room, me with two more glasses of wine to get me to relax for this and her with no alcohol in her system and a baggage of anxiety on her shoulder.

"You've had your checkup after birth, right? After you healed?" She nods. "Your first period? Did it come already?"

"I just finished it a week ago." She switches on the lamp in the dark room, leaving us with a soft shimmer of yellow around us. "I've been to the doctor after, too. I wanted to know if I was ready."

I laugh a little. "You can have sex literally after you heal, by the way."

"Yeah. I told you that I've been scared."

"Okay. I want you to relax."

I guide her through it, asking her to take her bottoms off. She wants to sit up and watch me do it, but I tell her to lie down and relax."You've done this before. Why would you want to watch?" I caress her thighs, waiting for her to spread her legs. "It won't feel good if you're sitting up."

"It feels like it's my first time."

"It's not that bad." I begin touching her mound, stroking it lightly till I reach her folds. "I'll just get you wet first."

"I read on the internet that it really hurts."

"I guess it depends on the person." I begin rubbing her nub, feeling the saturation increase. "I'll do it slowly. Whenever you want me to stop, tell me."

"Can you kiss me while doing it?"

I hide a sigh that longs to escape my throat. "Sure." I lean in, hovering over her. I look into her blue eyes and she looks into mine. I know what she's thinking because I have the same thoughts. We both wish Sara's with us and this is 2004 again. But I'm glad it isn't, because that's when I started to abuse Sara, and I hate nothing more than those years.

It doesn't take long. She's not comfortable with it yet, so it's more of a process than something fun we both can enjoy. She doesn't last quickly because I keep rubbing her clit to make her feel better. When we're done, she thanks me and I kiss her in response. "It will feel better the next time," I whisper.

She offers for me to stay the night and I take her offer because it's late and I'm tired. I also don't want to go back and see Stacy's car still parked in front of my house.

I wake up earlier than I usually do because I have to go home, get ready and go to work. I decide to call Sara to check on her, but Sara doesn't pick up the phone. Stacy does instead.

"Can I speak to her?"

"She's asleep," she whispers. "She's gonna stay home today if you wanna visit."

"I have to go to work. Is she feeling better?" I carry on the conversation as politely as I can.

"Yes, much better."

"Okay, I have to go." But I remember Sally before we hang up. "Wait, what about Sally?"

"I'm driving her to daycare right now."

"Okay." I hang up without say goodbye. That's all I can do. I guess I'll have to visit Sara after work and put up with Stacy being around.

"Is she okay?" Emy asks, making me coffee.

"Stacy picked up."

"Oh." She puts the mug in front of me.

I take a sip, burning my tongue on the hot liquid, releasing a sigh because that's all I can do now that I've ruined my whole life. "Yup."