Trigger Warning: Mentions of abuse and violence.
AN: This chapter is way longer than this but I had to cut it in half. This chapter and the following one will mark the drastic change y'all were waiting for...I guess.
Sara
Exhaustion, sleep deprivation, a deteriorating health, stress, and anxiety—Just a simple summary of the past two weeks. I was so used to sitting at home doing nothing that I feel like I'm losing every brain cell I have juggling motherhood with a new job I have zero experience in. That's when I say thank God for Stacy, who's not only helping with work, but also around the house. Just two days ago she cleaned every nook and corner for me. She's also helping with Sally; feeding her, bathing her, and playing with her.
But that's the thing, now Tegan can see and sense how close Stacy has gotten to my daughter, and I know that my sister is jealous because she's a human being and I can't blame her for that. However, I really admire her determination to stay close and be as civil as possible. It's like I'm watching a new Tegan which scares me because now I know how much pain she must be in having to put up with all of that and still insist on denying our love.
It's too late now, anyway. I think my feelings for Stacy are growing day after day. I just needed care and I finally have it. Sometimes she spends the night and we go to work together. Sometimes we stay in our separate places but she still insists on picking me up in the morning. Spending the night has become more regular in the past week because of how much of a hard time I've been facing with Sally and my health. But now I'm a bit better; having her beside me each morning is a blessing I didn't think I'd ever have after Tegan's negligence.
Usually, our mornings are just like these. First the alarm goes off and we both hurry getting ready. Sally would either be awake or I would wake her up, which puts her in a terrible mood and forces me to feed her right after I get her ready for daycare. Stacy prepares breakfast and I eat while I breastfeed then we leave for our jobs together. We drop Sally off and then we both head to the school, something I'm still not used to.
Stacy says that students actually like me and she took the feedback herself to make sure everything is going as planned, especially since they had a terrible experience with the previous counselor. It's not an easy job at all. School has just started and my office is always full of kids who need care and somebody to listen. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the stories I hear that I end up crying, which is not something I should do because I have to lock my emotions. Sometimes I overthink a situation too much that Stacy spends the rest of the day giving me lectures, which is nice because I like learning from her.
Sally's growing, but also becoming more attached to me. It's truly a blessing, but in hours like these I don't know what to do to get her to stop nursing so I can go to work.
Stacy hovers close to me, watching Sally as she nurses, both hands on my breast to stop any attempt from me to pull her away. "It usually stops like a few minutes after, but she's been nursing for the past twenty minutes. I can't feel my nipple."
"Did you switch to the other breast?" Stacy asks impatiently, looking at the watch on her hand.
"She's not letting me." I try to pull her away but she shrieks, taking a hold of my flesh. "Holy shit," I mutter, unable to tolerate the pain.
"We're gonna be late," Stacy whispers.
"You know what? Let her cry." I push her off my breast as gently as possible but she starts screeching immediately. Stacy tries to distract her with a toy and her spoon teether full of Greek yogurt. Sally's relentless cries follow us till we're standing outside, ready to leave the house.
We see Tegan approaching us in a hurry and I urge Stacy to stop.
"Hey," she says, panting. Sally's cries come to an end, staring at my sister's flushed face. "Umm…I just…I just wanted to say happy birthday." She pulls out a medium-sized gift box from behind. "That's for you."
"Wow! Ummm…thank you!" Speechlessly, I hold onto the box, not knowing what exactly to say to her. It's the nicest gesture I never thought she'd pull. Stacy takes Sally from me and I stare at the box and then back at her heated complexion. She even remembered my birthday and she did all of that in the early morning. How can I ever be mad at her? "You really didn't have to."
"Umm, yeah, it's your birthday; we always get each other presents in our birthdays." Technically, it isn't my birthday. My real birthday is in about ten days, but that's the birthday she and I have celebrated and I know how much she wishes we can go back to those times both of us were clueless and ignorant. "Can you, like, open it privately?" Her eyes shift towards my girlfriend, who pretends she's not hearing the conversation and is too busy making funny faces at Sally.
"Yes, sure. I'll open it at work." She nods. "Thank you," I repeat.
"It's not a big deal, Sara!" She chuckles. "Umm…so I was wondering if you got the text from Emy? The party at her house?" I nod. "And?"
Emy wants to throw us a party at her house tonight. A birthday party, like old times. I am now sure it's Tegan's idea and somehow she has convinced Emy to pull it off because Tegan's unnerved facial features can scream her excitement. I didn't think it was a good idea first, especially that I'd have to bring Stacy and it would definitely feel awkward for everyone but now that I think about it, maybe it's a nice plan to get closer to my best friend and my sister slash lover again. "Okay…I will, but…I might be a bit late because I have a doctor appointment at four."
"Oh…are you okay?"
"Yeah, I told you about my hormones changing with the breastfeeding and how I haven't had a period in several months. I think it's time to get a checkup." She understands what I mean, nodding quickly.
"Fair enough. We'll wait there." She smiles, nodding at both Stacy and me before walking back to her car.
We drop Sally at daycare then head to the school. I'm impatient the entire drive there just to open the gift. Stacy asks what might be there and I shrug, not knowing. I know Stacy's curious even though she tries to hide it but my relationship with my sister is of an interest to her. I don't blame her. It's not exactly a nice one and in those couple of months she has known me, she can already tell some secrets are hidden. I'm just happy she doesn't push me to expose what I hide and, hopefully, she won't ever insist on knowing.
I go over important students reports as soon as I get there, knowing Stacy and Landon won't leave me alone if I don't do my job and I don't wanna upset Stacy because I already fucked up twice the past week and she let it go. Work is still something new for me and I'm still figuring everything out. I don't want work to affect our relationship or our relationship to affect work, especially that Stacy treats me like any other employee at work and I respect her professionalism.
I leave the gift on the desk and do my job. A student asks to see me after half an hour and I let her in. I've been working with her for the past two days but I can't tell what exactly is wrong. I'm trying my best with her but she's stubborn and doesn't want to open up.
"I have to tell you something," she says, plopping down on the chair.
"Good morning to you, too." I smile.
"It's urgent."
"Okay, say it."
"I need help."
"You have to let me help you. You're not letting me in." She starts crying. "Jenna," I whisper calmly. "Why don't you just talk about it? I'm here to help you."
"I'm in trouble."
"I need to know what type of trouble so I can help you."
She shrugs. I try not to sigh loudly because it would indicate my impatience.
"Jenna," I try again with a soft octave. "I won't judge you."
"My parents are gonna kill me."
"Jenna, what is it?"
"I need something. I need you to give me something."
"What is it?"
"Well, my problem was…" She pauses. I nod. She lowers her voice, "My boyfriend has been pushing me to have sex with him and we did it yesterday and I think I'm pregnant and I need the morning after pill."
I try not to show any facial expression. I almost gasp but I don't. I take a deep breath and nod. I can't give her the morning after pill. I'm not allowed to do that. Her parents must know and agree. Not only that, but her boyfriend pushed her to do something she didn't want to do and this is fucked up.
"I messed up and I regret it." Her cries are loud now.
"I can't give you a contraception pill, at least not without the consent of Ms. Reader or your parents."
"But my parents will kill me." I know how she feels but I am a mother and I would want to know if my daughter ever was in such a situation.
I start to think of Sally and how her future is going to be like. I wonder if she'll have those issues, I wonder if she'll be hard to raise, if she'll be easy like me or as hard as Joy. What if she becomes like Tegan? What if I fuck up her life and push her to be like Tegan?
"Please," the student begs, pulling me out of my thoughts.
"Jenna, why didn't you tell me he was pushing you to have sex with him? You're only fifteen." She cries, shrugging. "Did you consent last night?" She nods. "Are you sure?"
"I love him," she says. "I just didn't feel ready and he kinda convinced me. Like, if you love someone you do things for them, right?"
Wrong.
"You have to love yourself more than you love people. Some people don't know how to love properly. They want to take without giving." I sigh. "How old is he?"
"He's a junior."
I try my best to make her feel better. I don't want her life ruined but I don't want to do something I'll regret. She doesn't want me to tell Stacy because she's scared Stacy will call her parents. I can't do anything without Stacy knowing. I'm sure Stacy won't agree on giving her the pill, but she has to know.
After half an hour of talking, I convince her we should tell Stacy.
Like I expected, Stacy strongly disagrees, but she handles it better than me.
"Both of us don't want to ruin your life whether we give you the pill or not. It's not something we should simply get it over with. If I give it to you now, be sure you will think it's okay to have unprotected sex and take the pill after, and you'll do it again and again. Not only that, but there's a 10% chance it won't work," Stacy says. "Plus, if you were my daughter and somebody else made that decision and gave you the pill without me knowing, I would not tolerate it."
"My parents would kill me. You don't understand. I need help," Jenna shouts.
"Jenna," I raise my voice a bit. "Sit down," I say as soon as she stands up. Stacy stands up, too.
"Ms. Roberts, my office now. Follow me," Stacy says sternly. The last thing I see is her glare, not sure if it was meant for the student or for me.
They leave and I go back to my other students, working with them one by one, chugging as much coffee as I can.
"I can't deal with those motherfuckers fighting all the time," one boy screams in my office. "I wanna leave that damn house."
"Is that an excuse for violence? Because your parents have arguments, you take it out on other students and punch them? Does it make sense to you?"
"They make me angry," he shoots, clutching his fists.
"Don't you have any other method to let out your anger with?"
After I finish with Max and his issues, I move to another freshman and her issues with her friends talking behind her back.
Stacy is nowhere in sight and when I leave my office to take a bathroom break, I ask the woman at the reception and the only answer I get is a shrug and a squint at my outfit. It feels like everybody is weirded out I'm wearing a light pink shirt under my blazer today. Stacy thought it looked nice so I wore it.
On my way to the bathroom, a teacher calls me to step inside her classroom. The rowdy kids hush as soon as I'm inside.
"They've been arguing about the dates of the tests for the past ten minutes and I can't start my class."
Some teachers don't understand that I'm not here to fix their class management problems or a student's behavior towards them. Some teachers can't understand my job. I'm not a principal, I'm a counselor, yet students fear me when I step in.
"What's the problem?" I aim my question towards the seated students. I see gawking, staring, and smiles as they stare at my shirt. I look at the teacher. Her eyes widen. "What's wrong?"
"Just tell them that it's not our decision the schedule is like that. We're doing what fits them."
"That's correct," I say, looking back at the students.
"God, Ms. Smith, go change your shirt," a boy screams from the back of the room. The students begin laughing. I blink, not understanding his point. I look down immediately, noticing the huge wet spots on my breasts. I take a deep breath, locking my tears inside, covering my shirt with my blazer. Why didn't anyone tell me?
"It's okay," I say nervously. "I'm a mother. I breastfeed. It happens." The kids laugh again. "You should not be laughing. It's normal." I take a breath again. "I will go deal with this. If I hear more complaints about this, you won't like it."
I leave the class, walking to the bathroom immediately. I gasp at the scenery. That has never happened to me. I walked around like that. People stared and didn't tell me. Women like me stared and didn't even bother to tell me. I try to wash the spots but I break down instead. I don't want anyone to see me crying. I leave the bathroom quickly and head to my office, locking the door. I cry, unbuttoning my shirt, feeling how tender my breasts are. I feel embarrassed and humiliated.
A knock on the door interrupts me. "Ms. Smith," Stacy's voice makes my cries stop. "Open the door please." I button up my shirt quickly and wipe my tears, walking towards the door. Stacy's alone outside. She gasps at my face. "What happened?"
I shake my head, trying my best to hide it, forcing a smile as I get back to my desk. "Nothing," I whisper. Her eyes go down to my breasts. Her mouth forms an 'O' upon realization. "I walked around and everybody was staring…" I begin crying again. "And nobody told me. Not even Nina at the reception, she just stared. Ms. Thomas called me to talk to her students and she didn't even bother telling me and one boy just said it in front of everyone. They laughed. All of them."
"Oh, babe." I feel her body close to mine, arms wrapping around me and cheeks caressing my own. "I'm so sorry." She plants a kiss on my temple. I feel safe.
"I'm sorry I'm doing such a terrible job. I didn't know what to do. I had to tell you."
She chuckles, shaking her head. "You did just the right thing, Sara." She sits on the desk, facing me. "Last year the counselor gave contraception pills to a couple of students and the school got in trouble when the parents figured it out. That's why students keep asking for them. They think the school still gives them. You telling me is all I needed." Stacy holds my hand, squeezing it. "I called her parents and we sat together to deal with it. That's why it took a long time." I nod, sniffling. "I didn't want to call you because I didn't want her to feel betrayed by you. I did the betraying, not you. I want her to still trust you."
"We didn't betray her. We took care of her."
"That's right." Stacy leans in to kiss me.
"I have to deal with this," I whisper, pointing at my shirt. "I don't really know what happened. It has never happened to me. Ever."
"You're just producing more milk, I guess. I mean you're still taking those pills." I nod. "Why don't you pump? You should pump, Sara. We need to schedule time for you to pump."
"I can do that?"
"Of course." She chuckles. "Why don't you do it now?"
"I don't have it with me." I sigh.
"Yes, you do. I put it in your bag this morning." Mouth agape, I don't really know what to say. "I always put it for you. You never notice?" I shake my head. She does prepare my bag for me and then unloads whatever crap in there when I get back so I never really notice. "Well, wow." She gets off the desk and reaches for my bag. "I'll tell Nina not to let anybody in."
"Thank you so much."
"Want me to come to the doctor with you today?" I shake my head. That's the last thing I want. "Why not?"
"You don't have to." I chuckle. "I don't feel very comfortable. I'm gonna have a pap smear and a lot of tests today. It would be boring, anyway. Plus, I want you to babysit Sally." She nods with a smile.
When she leaves, I lock myself inside to start pumping, which actually relieves me and releases the heaviness of my breasts. I'm proud of myself and my body and how capable it turned out to be. As I pump, I take the time to finally open Tegan's present, taking a deep breath before I peek inside the box.
I see two things: a photo album and a letter.
I get to the letter first, trying my best to control my breathing.
Dear Sara
I know how dangerous it is to write letters to each other but I had to tell you all that I feel. Since verbal communication always stabs me in the back, I thought the written method would be better. After reading this letter you may get rid of it for safety purposes. If you want to keep it, it would be okay as well.
I love you! How simple it is to say it. I've never loved anybody but you and I'll always love you. I feel happy writing this because I am proud of you, because I can see the changes you're going through. You're a mother; a working mother, actually. You're taking great care of your baby, you're doing your best to have her needs met even though it's affecting your health and this is just beyond great because I know I would never be like that. I could never in fact. I believe in God and all of that and I do believe God has put Sally in safe hands because if she was left with me, she was going to suffer.
I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I'm hurting you. I'm sorry I'll still hurt you. I'm trying my best to be in check with myself and my health. You did your best to stay with me and love me despite my abusive nature. I hit, I cursed, I screamed, I pushed, and you still came back. When I said those words a couple of months ago, it felt like I was not even myself. I was hurt but it doesn't justify anything. I regret hurting you even more. And you still forgave me and let me inside your house and near your baby.
I'm better now. Mentally, I am better. Emotionally, I still need time and I honestly don't know if I'll ever be okay. But mentally I am better and I want to apologize to you. Forgive me for not coming around, but I think it's better this way and I know by now you think it's better this way, too.
The photo album in the box is just my way to create new memories with you so you can show your baby the album when she grows up. Some pictures are of us from 2004 when I had those silly bangs and you had that long hair. You can always talk about our friendship in college. It wasn't a lie. You can leave the romantic bits. It's not fully a lie.
There are different pictures from different occasions and I'll leave the choice for you to write your own memories to tell Sally. The last pictures are very recent. I took them from Emy. My favorite is one of you with Sally in the bathtub, laughing and giggling. I think Sally was two weeks old or even less than that. You can add pictures of you feeding her so she can see the bond you two have. You can add whatever picture you want. I know it isn't much, but I wanted you to write your new memories with Sally. I don't want to be a source of pain any longer. Forgive me if I repeat my mistakes. Help me when I need it. Guide me and be patient with me like you always do.
I know I'm not always a good person, I know our situation is the worst nightmare anybody could be in, I know I am not trustworthy and I'm dangerous, but despite everything, I will always love you.
I wipe my falling tears, quickly flipping through the album to look at the pictures she has talked about. Nothing is suspicious in the pictures. We look like friends, or actually sisters. We really do look alike. We especially did look alike in 2004, when everybody thought we're sisters. Guess everybody was right.
I dial up her number and she picks up immediately.
"Hi," she greets.
"I will always love you, too," I whisper. I can hear her grin. I don't know how but it feels like I can hear it. I sniffle and she giggles. "Thank you."
"Hide the letter, Sara," she whispers. She has a point. Quickly, I hide the letter inside my wallet, knowing that if I hide it inside my bag, Stacy might find it later. I have to find a place for it when I get home. "Did you like it?"
"I loved it."
"Do you forgive me?"
"Yes." I've already forgiven you without you having to ask. "I guess now I understand you better."
"And now I'm beginning to understand you, too." I'm not sure what it means but it leaves me silent until she clears her throat and speaks. "Sara?"
"Yes?" I wait impatiently.
"Can I come to the doctor with you?" That I didn't expect.
"Why?"
"I want to be there with you. I know how much you hate doctors. Plus, I feel like I'm the reason your body is so fucked up." I already told Stacy I don't want anybody to be with me, so it would be a betrayal if I let Tegan come along.
"I don't know, Tegan. It's, you know…it can be a bit uncomfortable." She chuckles. "I'm sorry."
"I just want to be there for you because I know you're nervous. Plus, I can drive you." I want to say no badly, but I say yes instead. I can't lie and say I don't want her to be there. We've been used to going to doctors together. I've held her hands before and she's held mine. It was always our routine to do it together.
Stacy checks up on me after a bit. She sees me flipping through the album. She smiles, taking a look at it. "That's her gift?" I nod, smiling back at her. "It's beautiful and sentimental."
"I know," I mutter. "I didn't expect it."
"It's really nice of her to do that." I nod, touching her hand just to remind myself that I do have some feelings for this woman in front of me even though I'm in love with my sister. "You feel better?"
"Yeah." I sigh. "It's like…It's like I was a cow that needed milking." She chortles. "I'm serious. I didn't realize how heavy I've been." Subconsciously, her eyes go down to my breasts, now covered with my blazer to hide the stains on my shirt.
"Maybe it's time for you to stop the pills. I mean your milk is back." She shrugs. She doesn't understand that if I stop them, I might not be able to feed Sally. I still wanna do that for a bit, unless the doctor tells me not to today. I'll try my best to get the okay, but I'm really scared it's not good for my body.
"Stace?" I speak carefully, not sure she'll like what I'm going to say.
"Yeah?"
"Tegan is insisting she'd pick me up to drive me to the doctor."
She doesn't say anything. She furrows her brows in confusion.
"I know. It's weird. She just feels guilty about my back. I told you how accidentally she pushed me once and I fell and hurt my back and she thinks that my body being fucked is her fault."
"But you're seeing a gynecologist. What does that have to do with it?"
"I don't know." I can't even make up a lie anymore. "She insisted and when she does that I just don't argue because…like, she's trying so I don't wanna, you know, ruin that for her?"
"Mhmm."
"I just want you to understand because I already told you not to come and now I'm saying I'm taking my sister with me."
"It's fine, babe." She chuckles, brushing it off. "I'd like to spend some time with Sally." Tegan wouldn't like to hear that for sure.
And that's the first thing she asks me about when she picks me up.
"She's staying with Stacy," I answer. "She'll pick her up in an hour. She still has some paperwork to do at school." Tegan nods, looking at the road. "I wanna go home and change first," I say hesitantly. "I kinda…I leaked too much today and my shirt is stained." She turns her face to look at my torso...wide eyed. I unbutton my blazer to show her. Her eyes widen more. "Everyone laughed," I whisper.
"I'm sorry about that."
"I should've gotten nipple pads but I didn't expect my milk to ever flow normally like yours did." She chuckles. "It's not a nice feeling." She nods again, humming. I guess I need to stop blabbering. She seems annoyed.
However, she's supportive enough to calm me down when there's a doctor and a nurse standing between my spread legs. "What's going on?" I whisper to her. "I don't get it."
"Are you in pain?" she asks me.
"No." She shrugs. It's not pain, it's discomfort.
"Everything is fine, Sara," my doctor says, smiling at me. "We just need to talk about a few options you might need to consider in order to get your hormones as balanced as they should be because all that medication is ruining your health."
I nod, waiting for her to finish examining me. I know one of the options is to stop feeding, which I don't even think twice about before rejecting. I stare at Tegan every time the doctor suggests an alternative to breastfeeding. I can't read her facial expressions and it's hard for me not to know what she's thinking.
"I want to feed at least till she's a year." I look at Tegan, whose brow is now furrowed. "I think she deserves it."
The doctor can't tell me not to feed my child, but she does warn me against the pills I'm taking to lactate. I don't care if I ruin my fertility or ovaries or hormones or anything else as long as my daughter is getting the sufficient amount of care she deserves. As long as my back is not giving me a hard time, I'm good. Thankfully, I can now feed and take my back medication as long as I don't feed right after the pills. I have to wait for several hours. So I scheduled Sally's meals before and way after that time. When she's hungry, I give her some pumped milk or solids. Taking my vitamins has made me feel much better, too. I still feel weak most of the time and I still sleep too much, but I can at least stand on my feet and do my work without being dizzy all the time.
"What do you think?" I ask Tegan in the car on our way back home.
"About?"
"Ummm…you know, breastfeeding."
"It's your body and your decision." She shrugs. "I understand it," she whispers. I can't argue with that because I know too well she understands it. "I'm just concerned about the fertility part."
I laugh a little. "I'm not gonna have a kid later on, Tegan. I think that's it for me. I'm getting old, anyway. In a couple of years I'd be almost infertile." She shrugs. "You think I'd have another kid?"
"I mean, you might want to try it." She looks at me for a second. "I just figured one day you'd want to do that because…you know…it's just a thought."
"I understand you." She thinks I'd have a baby with Stacy. She thinks I would actually want to choose my body just because I didn't get the chance to choose the first time. "I'm not planning to do that," I whisper. "I just hope I won't be in too much pain for a long time because the lack of menstruation is making me frustrated and bloated all the time."
"Maybe exercise," she says. "Emy did that to get a period again. She's feeding full time and she got hers." My doctor said I'd probably have to stop feeding for me to menstruate again. My pills are acting like birth control.
"With my back," I scoff. "We'll see about that."
Tegan drops me home, reminding me to be at Emy's within an hour.
"Will Amber be there?" I ask.
"I think so." She nods, her eyes shielded by her sunglasses. "Why?"
"Does she…umm…know about uh…Stacy? I mean, she knows about the scenario?" Tegan nods.
"I'm going there now anyway. I'll make sure everybody acts according to the…scenario." She smiles, nodding at me for no reason. I thank her before she leaves.
I find Stacy with Sally in the nursery, playing together. The sight warms my heart. I sit on the ground next to them. Stacy smiles at me. I kiss her cheek before I'm attacked by squeals and giggles from Sally, almost throwing herself at me. I pick her up, showering her face with kisses.
"I missed you," I say using my baby voice. "I missed my little snowball." Sally moves her hands in excitement, drooling and squealing. I turn back to look at Stacy. "How is she?"
"She's wonderful," Stacy says. "But I couldn't get her to take her nap because the milk you pumped had some caffeine and now she's hyper."
"Oh, yeah, I had a couple cups of coffee." I sigh, putting Sally down on the floor.
"How did it go?" Stacy asks.
"It's fine." I shrug. I'm not sure what to tell her. My doctor knows about my situation. She knows I'm not Sally's biological mother and that's why I didn't want to take Stacy with me. "I guess I won't have a period until I stop feeding her or something."
"Ouch," she mutters. "That would be nice if it wasn't for the…"
"Mood swings and bloating, yeah." She nods. "We should get ready. Emy's throwing a birthday party for Tegan and me."
"I feel like…" She hesitates, opening and closing her lips. "I won't be too welcomed there."
"Why are you saying that?"
"The one time I saw Emy it was clear she didn't like me and your sister just doesn't like anyone, I'm surprised she likes Emy."
No, honey, she just doesn't like you.
Of course I don't tell her that. Instead, I convince her to come, promising her I won't leave her alone. She eventually agrees.
When I get inside my bedroom to change, I find two things on the bed: a huge white box with my favorite suits brand on it and a small box of nursing pads next to it. I look behind me at my girlfriend's smiling face. Her grin extends and her cheeks redden. She walks inside with my baby in her arms.
"So, umm, the first box is for your birthday." She pauses before adding, "I wanted to give it to you on the original date but since everybody still uses this one I guess I'm using it, too." The reason why everyone is more comfortable with this date is because it reminds them of the good old times when I hadn't yet discovered I was fucking my sister. I've grown used to this date. It's what everybody remembers and it's the date that my parents used in all my IDs so I guess I'll just use it instead. The original one doesn't really matter.
"Yeah, everyone's used to this one more. Like even my real family…Tegan and Sonia…they, umm, use this one actually. They know I prefer it." She nods. "Thank you."
"I want you to check it out," she says. "Oh, and I've been to the store to get you some nursing pads."
She's always impressing me, making me feel guilty. She's so sweet and I can't tolerate it sometimes because I know I don't deserve this. I'm a sick person who deserves a sick type of love and a sick type of life and that's what I'm trying to hide. Maybe Tegan's right about me; maybe I really won't be able to hide the truth forever because my whole life has been a lie. Maybe I shouldn't try to love another because that's an even bigger lie.
The suit is just perfect. It's navy; a color I don't have in my collection. It fits my body perfectly and at the same time it isn't tight. She spends the time adjusting the collar of my shirt, taking her chances to peck my lips every now and then. And since I'm only a human with human needs, I give in to her affection and turn into a butterfly in her hands, allowing her to touch me however she wants to.
We don't go further because we don't have time; I still haven't showered and I always like to do that after a gynecologist checkup. Plus, Sally's on the mattress rambling nonsense to catch our attention.
Emy gives me a tight hug when she sees me, wishing me a happy birthday and kissing my cheek. She greets Stacy awkwardly, and Stacy says her heys with as much cringe as everyone else does in the room. I stick to her side even though Tegan's glares won't stop following her whenever she holds Sally or plays with her or does anything close to being motherly. It must be hard, I get it, but that's what she's chosen.
Emy has baked a cake. Amber is there to take pictures. It feels like old times and that's what everybody jokes about. I spend the rest of the night hoping nobody would slip and say anything in front of Stacy because nothing is like those old times.
I'm surprised to see Emy and Amber treating each other fondly and with respect; I thought I'd see a war. I guess being apart is better for both of them. I wonder how Amber feels. Is she still in love with Emy? Is their love for one another gone? How does each of them feel?
After dinner, we sit around in the living room. Those who are allowed to drink have alcohol in their hands while Emy and I are forced to stay with water. The shock Emy and Amber convey hearing my horror breastfeeding story at school makes Stacy suspicious, or that's what the stunned look on her face expresses. I mean I am still shocked a bit that I'm feeding almost as normally as a real mother would be. Stacy, though, doesn't have to know.
Emy puts Pearl's chair on the floor next to Sally, who's playing with some toys Emy put for her. I try to warn Emy but it's too late; Sally's already crawling towards Pearl, ready to move her hand and slap the way she does to every face she's close to. I hurry up, picking Sally before her hand could come in contact with the helpless baby. Sally shrieks. Cries fill the place from both babies.
"Shhhh," I try to shush Sally but Pearl's scary cries are louder. Amber runs to pick her up, leaving Emy confused and embarrassed. "I'm so sorry," I whisper. "I had to pick her up, she was gonna hit her."
"No, she was gonna play with her," Emy says. "They always play in daycare."
"I know, but they play supervised and Sally keeps hitting everyone she sees now. I don't know where she's learned that." I sigh. Emy raises an eyebrow. "No," I whisper.
"I mean…could it be genetics?" She motions at Tegan, who's sitting far away, too engrossed in her phone to notice.
"I don't know." I really don't. I did notice Sally's a bit aggressive sometimes and she's extra hyper so I try to minimize her sugar intake, but I don't think anything is too alarming. Stacy and I are watching her. Stacy has more knowledge than me in infants and their behavior and she thinks my baby is completely fine. "I don't think so but I'm watching her closely."
"Umm…kids kinda slap people at this age," Stacy speaks, giving my heart a punch when I realize she's heard us. "They're fascinated with their hands and how freely they can move and control them. She's also a bit jealous everyone's attention is on Pearl. When she wants the attention to be centered on her, she kinda does that. She always does it at home, too." I'm not sure what she heard exactly but I'm sure she's wondering why we think Sally might have it in her genetics and why we motioned at Tegan. She's polite enough not to ask in front of everyone.
"Wow," Emy says. "You really know her behavior well."
"It's sort of what my thesis is about." She smiles at my friend. Emy smiles too, but it's not the same smile. Emy's smile is full of envy, longing, and horror. I can see it because I remember the way she smiled at Tegan years ago.
"Emy, can you please feed her? She keeps pushing herself against my chest." Amber hands whiny Pearl to her mother. Emy does it immediately and without hesitation. Stacy doesn't look at her at all. She looks down at her lap instead. On the other hand, my daughter sees her and starts moving around in my arms, searching for my breast, too. Once she faces me, she pats my chest, whimpering for food.
"Aren't you full?" I ask, smiling at my baby. "You've just had food." I can't feed her because I've just swallowed my medicine two hours ago. I need to wait a little bit longer till I am able to feed her again. Stacy has just fed her half an hour ago from the bottle and then with some mashed potatoes, which she loved. Apparently, Tegan had prepared them.
Sally becomes whinier, now hitting my chest with her palm, making everyone notice what she wants. "Why don't you feed her?" Tegan asks.
"I can't. I took my back meds." I huff, trying to find a way to calm her down. "It's not even normal how she's never full. Whenever she sees food or remembers it she has to consume it." I rock her but her cries increase. "Emy, can I use your room to put her to sleep somehow? I don't wanna ruin your night with her crying. It won't stop until she gets what she wants." Emy nods quickly, asking Tegan to take me to her bedroom.
Tegan follows me, which I'm not comfortable with because that means Stacy is alone with Emy. It isn't better if she's alone with Tegan, but I don't want her to be alone with Emy. Maybe I should go home, but it's too early and I don't want Emy to feel sensitive about it.
"What did you mean when you said she won't stop eating?" Tegan asks, switching on the lights in Emy's bedroom. The room, as I expected, is a mess of clothes and messed up sheets. Emy will never learn how to tidy a fucking bedroom.
"I mean she's never full."
"Umm…is that…like, are you worried?"
"You know, I'm not, but she's really never ever full. If there's food she eats it. If I give her milk now and then give her some from the bottle and then some more food, she just takes it. She thinks she has to do that." I pause, putting her down on the mattress and reaching for the bottle in my bag. "It's my fault because when she was really small and weak, I stuffed her a lot and forced her to always eat. Like…she's chubby. She's a very chubby baby."
"But it's cute. She's the cutest baby I've ever seen," Tegan smiles. I can't help but smile at her. "Chubby babies are always cute. You shouldn't worry about her weight. She's still a baby."
"You're right. I sound crazy." I sigh in relief when she accepts the bottle, instantly closing her eyes. "I hope she sleeps."
"Yeah, she didn't even take a nap," Tegan says. "I heard Stacy say that she hasn't taken any today."
"My milk had some caffeine in it. That's why." Tegan nods. "You should leave…I mean…you know, I think it's a bit awkward out there." She nods again.
Once I'm alone in the bedroom, I take my time to inspect around with my eyes. My eyes fall on a very familiar sweater. I know this sweater because it's mine and Tegan didn't send it when she sent my things from New York. She has always loved it so I assumed she took it. Now I'm just confused because either Tegan is staying here or Emy has one like it or Tegan gave it to Emy, but I'm not sure.
I notice that my baby's falling asleep so I put her gently next to my body and lie close to her, closing my eyes as well. I wish I can fall asleep and call it a night. It's been a long day and I need my rest.
I don't know how long I stay there and how long Sally has slept, but in my half sleeping state I notice movement around me. I hear my baby's voice and feel her palm against my face. I groan, too tired to open my eyes but too scared she'd fall down. I tighten my arms around her grip and immediately feel her palm coming in contact with my cheek. I groan again but she giggles.
"Sally," I whine, "let mama sleep." Once again, she slaps my face.
Next, I feel her body climbing up on top of mine as her small palm starts kneading my face. I feel her breath close to my face. I groan again.
I hear footsteps and feel a thud on the mattress. Sally's weight is lifted as I hear a woman's soft voice near me. I groan a third time when I feel someone nudging me.
"Sara," she says. "Sare…"
I open my eyes slowly, noticing my best friend sitting next to my lying form. Sally's in her arms, trying her best to reach to me so she could torture my face even more.
I groan. "She didn't even sleep." I sit up. "What's wrong with this child?"
"She's just not sleepy. Maybe it's better." Emy smiles at Sally while she looks at her with wide grey eyes. "You'd sleep better at night because she'd get a full night's sleep. I wish I can have that with Pearl but she wakes up a lot because she gets scared, especially when she wakes up and can't see. She throws tantrums."
"I'm sorry," I whisper. I reach for Sally, noticing that she's patting Emy's chest now. "I'm sorry about this, too. I swear I just fed her…" I sigh.
"She wants tits," Emy says. I glare at her. "Sorry," she whispers with a giggle.
"Em?" I ask, "Is Tegan staying here?"
"Uh…wh…why are you asking that?" Yup, she is.
"Her sweater." I motion at the floor. "That's mine and she took it."
Emy looks back at the dark blue sweater. "Oh."
"Is there something going on between you two?" I haven't thought of it before but her hesitancy and the blush on her face are too suspicious not to notice.
"No," she denies. "She just spends the night here sometimes when I…when I have a bad night with Pearl."
I nod, not really believing her but I don't care much to urge her to speak. I know that Tegan is sleeping around with a lot of people so if Emy's one of them it won't change a thing.
We leave to the living room for the rest of the night. Stacy and I don't take too long till we excuse ourselves to go home. We see Amber saying goodbye while we're in the car, which leaves Tegan alone with Emy. Maybe she'll help her clean up. Maybe she'll spend the night. I don't care.
I'm too tired when we reach my place. Stacy helps me take off my shoes and sweater and I immediately close my eyes, feeling her gentle kiss on top of my forehead. The rest is a mystery to me because when I wake up to feed Sally again, I notice that it's way past dawn and Stacy has put Sally to sleep on her own and even slept on the floor in the nursery. I wake her up and tell her to go to the bedroom.
"What time is it?"
"Five something," I say. "Go sleep."
She nods, rubbing her eyes.
I feed Sally and go back to bed, thanking God it's the weekend.
Tegan
Though my relationship with Sara is much better now (I visit her and she visits me; I babysit Sally; I hear her stories and she hears mine), I still don't give up my sex routine. In fact, somehow I lose control of my libido and desire and next thing I know, I'm having a threesome with Ted and his friend Maya.
It's not something I have planned. I've met Maya at his place when I went to his house a few days ago. She really is attractive. She's a bit older than me, though I'm not sure how old she is. All I know is that she's older and she does some art. She has some type of a fiery orange hair and I'm not sure if she has dyed it or she's a natural ginger. Her face is thin and structured. Her eyes are blue and she always covers the lower lids with dark eyeliner, which I believe makes her eyes smaller. She's very sexual. Ted made it happen between us and now my legs are spread for her so she could eat me out the way she likes.
Ted sits beside me, stroking my arm but I hate it. "Stop doing that," I whisper.
"I wanna see you come," he says sensually.
"I won't if you keep touching me."
She lifts up her face, wiping her lower lip with the back of her hand. Her seductive look is swaying me. "Wanna come, Tegan?"
"Aha." I can barely speak because she's gorgeous.
"Let us share you then." She gives my cunt a lick that makes me shudder.
"I…" I swallow the saliva in my mouth and continue, "I'm not attracted to men."
"He told me." She smirks. "Part of me thinks you're just punishing yourself by sleeping with him."
I am.
"I…" She licks me again, making me shudder. "I don't like men."
"Not all men are bad," she whispers, breaths on my wet lips. "Some just wanna make you come." She giggles against my clit, flicking it with her tongue. "You have such a nice clit," she says. "I would like to pierce it for you." I close my eyes, enjoying the feeling of her hot breath on my wet parts and the imagination she's putting in my head. "Something that could match your nipples." I nod. "If you let Ted touch you, I'll do it for free."
So I let Ted touch me. I do it because I've always been the same whore and I'll never change.
They don't tell you much about trauma and how like a dark specter it can follow you and only jumps at you when you least expect it. I do everything Maya says. I let Ted fuck me and I let her touch me the way she likes. With every orgasm, I lose my feelings and I'm as numb as I've been before Sara. Though I laugh and come and moan, at night I cry because I feel dirty. Still, I don't know how to get rid of the feeling.
Emy senses my mood swings, urging me to speak. I don't. I find new therapy in sex and accept everything Maya has to offer.
"I wanna take some artistic pictures of you…naked," she says. "I won't get your face." I nod. I let her picture me in different poses; legs spread; fingers in cunt; dildo stretching me; or simply just a relaxed pose on the bed. She kisses me for a long time and makes me feel loved and special. "Who hurt you badly?"
"Everyone," I say, laughing.
"Was it a man?"
"Everyone," I repeat.
"Oh, Tegan, you're a beautiful woman. I wanna introduce you to a beautiful world."
Her beautiful world is an orgy at some weird sex party. The last thing I have expected is to spread my legs for every girl waiting to devour my juices. With Maya sitting next to me (stroking my arms the way Ted had done when I first slept with her and with another woman playing with my tits), I have different types of women taking turns to entertain me. Maya films a bit, which makes me uneasy. I'm too drunk to care but I can still sense the eerie feeling in my gut.
When the night is over, she takes me to her place and sobers me up. In the morning, she gives me the piercing. That same morning, I get a phone call from Sara asking me to babysit Sally. I say yes because she can't find out about that.
"I have to babysit my niece," I tell her awkwardly. "Umm…how much for that?" I begin taking my card out of my wallet but she pushes my hand away, smiling with closed eyes.
"I told you it's for free," she says. "You have such a beautiful body. A wonderland of a body. I wanted to adorn it." I nod.
"Thank you," I mutter.
"Anyway, Tegan, lay low with sex, okay?" I nod, remembering all the rules she has given me regarding the healing of the piercing. "Again, you'll feel uncomfortable for two days, maybe. If its extreme discomfort and pain, call me." I nod again. "And for the sake of your mental health, I think you shouldn't do what you're doing to yourself because whoever hurt you should be punished so punishing yourself isn't the answer." She doesn't know that I'm the one who hurt me. She doesn't understand I'm doing this to myself because I wasted and hurt Sara.
Though she's right. I know she has a point. The thing is I can't stop. I had sex two times with Emy after we slept together at her place once. The two times were very emotional and full of feelings I didn't ask for. I just want sex for the sake of sex.
Sara thanks me for taking care of Sally. She drops her at my place because Sally loves playing with Cyndi. As soon as Sally spots the cat, she starts squealing, pushing herself down until Sara puts her on the floor so she could crawl and chase Cyndi everywhere like she does every time she's here.
"Wow," I whisper. "She's obsessed with the cat."
Sara nods, giggling. "She threw a tantrum the other day when I went back home so I played some cat videos for her until she slept."
"That's cute."
"Anyway, I won't take long. I have a doctor's appointment."
"Another?" I ask. It hasn't been long since the last time we visited. She's been going to the doctor a lot lately. I go with her every time now. I don't think her girlfriend likes it so I understand why she didn't ask me this time.
"No, it's for my back."
"Oh."
"Yeah, that's why Stacy's coming." Oh, right. She said she can't take Stacy to her gynecologist because of the secret, though she did confide in her doctor that her girlfriend doesn't know Sally's adopted. I ruined everything. "Just wanna make sure everything's fine before travelling." Sara and her girlfriend are going to Toronto for winter break. Of course Sara's taking Sally. She wants to be with her family and introduce Stacy to them. And of course I can't tag along because her family hates me.
I spend some quality time with Sally but the new piercing makes me feel uncomfortable so I keep checking it in the bathroom, leaving Sally crawling on the floor in order to find Cyndi.
Eventually, I pick her up and put her in her chair in order to feed her. She cries loudly, eyes searching for the cat.
"Shhh," I whisper. "Look what I've made for you, Snowball." I've made fettuccine so I used the sauce and put it in a small bowl. I'm going to try feeding her that and hopefully she'll love it like her mother. I direct the spoon to her mouth and she eagerly opens up to taste, closing her eyes and wrinkling her face. It's her first time tasting that. "You're so cute." She quickly opens her mouth again, eyes wide. "Sara's right, you really do love food."
She's almost nine months old now. She has a couple of teeth and likes food way too much. Sara's trying her best not to give her too much sweets but she eats whatever we offer her. Sara has made a food schedule but sometimes I cheat and give her extra. I just can't handle it when her eyes open up, waiting for me to feed her.
She moves her hands in excitement, looking at the cat meowing far away. I can't believe I gave birth to this baby almost a year ago and I can't believe all of that has happened to me and to my life.
I cry in front of her. I cry silently but she doesn't notice much because she only cares about her food and her fun.
After feeding her, I try to play a little bit with her. I put her on the floor and put a couple of toys. She opens up her arms after a bit so I pick her up. She throws her body at me, putting her head on my shoulder. I lull her to sleep and keep her there against my chest, enjoying my portion of bonding.
Sara finds me in this position after some time, crying again. She sits next to me without muttering a single word. She looks into my eyes and I look into hers. We exchange understanding glances but nobody can do anything about their thoughts. I guess we'll always cry about how our lives turned out. It's just who we are.
"I did something," I whisper. "It's terrible."
"What did you do?" She looks at Sally when the baby whimpers.
"I've had sex with a lot of people." She nods; she knows. "I've had sex with a lot of women at the same time." Her eyes look up. She squints. I can see apprehension and worry but I can't see disgust. "And this woman convinced me to get a piercing…umm…down there." Her eyes widen, subconsciously shifting towards my lower half. "And I did." I now sob and sniffle. "It doesn't feel good or right and I can barely sit." She offers to take whining Sally from me and I let her, continuing my cries on the floor.
She stays silent for a few minutes, talking to Sally, who answers with a mixture of nonsensical voices. Cyndi's also moving around, trying to get Sara's attention but Sara doesn't care about the cat much now that she has Sally.
"Go check if it's inflamed or bleeding," she says. "If you got it today, anyway."
"I did," I whisper. "I got it today, I mean." I get up and move to the bathroom.
There's nothing wrong with the piercing. It's me who feels guilty and uncomfortable. When I leave, I find Sara almost ready to leave but Sally's crying with loud shrieks. "Is she okay?"
"She doesn't wanna leave because of the stupid cat." I look down at Cyndi and then up at Sally reaching her hand for the cat, giving Sara a hard time while she holds her. "I hate when she does that."
"Just spend the night," I whisper. She doesn't answer. "Oh, Stacy's there?"
"No," she says irritatingly. "I just have a lot of things to prepare for the trip. Stacy's visiting tomorrow morning.
"Then just spend the night here and take her home when she's asleep. Let her play with the cat."
Sara sighs and resigns, taking a place on the couch.
"I'll make you some hot chocolate," I offer. She nods and that's the last thing I see before I head to the kitchen.
We spend the rest of the evening in the living room. Sally plays with Cyndi on the floor; either crawling around her, or choking her with her grip. Cyndi doesn't seem like she minds that.
"How is it?" she asks.
"How's what?"
"The piercing." I look at her. She looks at me. Her cheeks are red and I'm sure mine are, too.
"Umm…it's alright I guess."
"Why did you get it?" she asks louder, hints of aggravation in her octave.
"I don't even know." I sigh. "I'm lost. I don't know what I'm doing."
"When are you gonna grow up?" she yells. "What are you gonna tell your daughter when she grows up? That you have a clit piercing and you appear in pornos?"
"What?" I ask, backing away from her attacking demeanor. "What are you talking about?"
She starts crying, shaking her head. "Nothing."
"What are you talking about?"
"I just don't want you to be like that," she says. "I don't want you go down this road again." She cries heavily and I'm honestly surprised because I never thought she has such emotions. "I know you let this woman take nudes of you and she's gonna put them in porn sites and you'll be a porn star." I look down at Sally staring at both of us with wide eyes and a blue pacifier in her mouth.
"How did you know?" Then it hits me, she can still log in to all my social media accounts and can get access to most of my messaging apps. I shake my head at myself; how did I not think of it? "You stalked me."
"I was worried," she whispers. I wonder if she knows about Ted. "That's the only thing I read, the only thing I needed to read to know you're not good and you're losing yourself again." She huffs. "And now this. She just randomly convinced you of getting a stupid piercing and you listened to her."
"Are you jealous?" I ask loudly. She takes a deep breath and just when I think she's going to answer, she bursts in more tears. "You really shouldn't be when you're seeing someone."
"It's not something I can control and you have to understand this." I nod. She should understand this. "I'm not whoring around because I'm angry. I'm trying to fix my life and live it as normally as I can. I'm trying to survive and have a better life for this baby I have." She looks at our baby, who's now too busy giggling while looking at Cyndi, for absolutely no reason, to notice our dramatic exchange of emotions. "What if she grows up and finds out you have a piercing there?"
"How would she do that?" Though it's inappropriate, I laugh. "Why would I tell her that? Why would you tell her that? It's just weird."
"I don't know." She shrugs like a baby. It's humorous and sad. "Why would you get something like that there?"
I sigh.
"Why would you let her take nude pictures of you?"
I'm beginning to get irritated.
"Why?" she repeats.
"I don't know," I shout. "I'll tell her to delete them for fuck's sake."
"Don't hit me," she shouts back.
"What?" I say. Does she actually think I'm going to do that?
"Don't hit me, please. I just don't want you to hurt yourself."
"I'm not gonna hit you," I say slowly and calmly. "I didn't even think of something like that." She nods. "I swear." She nods again. "I'm healthy and I'm on my medication, alright?" She nods a third time.
"Okay," she says after a sniffle.
We say nothing to each other until we're in bed together. I sit beside her as she breastfeeds Sally, hissing every now and then.
"Maybe you should stop doing that," I say. "It's been too long and she's obviously hurting you."
"Shut up," she says.
I don't want to tell her that her nipples look horrible because it will hurt her feelings, plus it's not my place to comment on that. I can't help but stare at them and their prominence. It's like I'm looking at someone else's breasts. She notices and glares at me.
"Did you get your period yet, by the way?"
She chuckles. "Ha! Pretty sure I've hit menopause by now. I'm not ovulating."
"Wow." She nods. "How does it feel?"
"Bad." She pauses but continues a second after, "don't tell me not to do this to myself because you don't get it." Oh, I'm the one who gets it. "How does it feel?"
"The piercing?" She nods. I sigh. "I told you."
"No…" She blushes and I can only see it because the lights are switched on since Sally's afraid of darkness. "Like…ummm…does it feel…never mind."
"Good?" I ask bashfully. "Down there?" She nods without looking at me. "No. It doesn't yet. I told you I'm uncomfortable."
And so her comments seize until Sally's asleep in the small crib I have for her in my bedroom.
She looks at me with poignant still eyes and says, "Can I see it?"
"What?"
"The piercing," she clarifies. "Can I see it?"
"Ummm…" I let her. "Sure." I pull down my pants and underwear quickly, nothing she hasn't seen before. I look into her eyes inspecting and suddenly I feel the jump I needed. I know her lips are hungry to suck my clit and my cunt is watering just thinking about that. Now I feel good. Now it feels right. Now I know why I needed this piercing and I can see that she loves it and wants her tongue to play with it. But, God, it's wrong. It's so wrong, and we're sick.