Sara
I've waited for Stacy all morning, hoping she'd be able to relieve the pain I'm in. I know she can't. Not possible at all. But I'll try. I hate the sensation of cheating. I haven't done it but I have practiced it mentally. Last night was amazing. Tegan's body was for me to stare at and I felt dirty and ecstatic at the same time.
I don't even know why I asked her to show me the piercing. I just wanted to see how it looked. Nicely situated between two reddish folds, it was just beautiful sitting there on her clit. I wanted to lick it and twirl my tongue against it. I wanted time to stop or rewind. I wanted to wake up from my dream. I was sure by then that my life had been a dream. I thought of all the possibilities. What if nothing of this has happened? What if we never met? What if I'm still in my dorm room failing my subjects? I might have fallen and hit my head and it's just a big dream. What if I'm in a coma after getting hit by her? What if I'm dead? I thought about it but it felt so real and she felt so real.
I just wanted to touch her and I hated myself for it, but I truly couldn't blame myself for it because she was my love, my partner, my sister, my wife, and the mother of my baby. I could never get over her or over it.
Nothing happened though. She raised her pants up immediately and we carried on with our night. I woke up to Sally crying twice. I fed her twice. I changed for her once. In the morning, Tegan made breakfast but I needed a touch. I needed it before I burst so I didn't eat. I just went home and dialed up Stacy.
And here I am with her hovering over me, ready to touch and give as I asked her to.
"I want you to eat my out," I ask boldly, holding her face with both hands. "Please."
"I love a polite girl," she whispers with a hiss, slowly revealing the sides I haven't seen of her.
I close my eyes and enjoy the feeling. I imagine my forbidden love and how ripe it could have gotten if fate hadn't interrupted it. I imagine the delicate beauty and the fine muscles flexing in full glory. I imagine the plump lips biting my tender parts. I imagine the sunny eyes. I manifest the happy smile I had once known. I remember the supple skin; milky, velvety, and warm. I make myself hear the raspy voice. I see the piercing; the old and the new. I see each part and dream of it. Then I come and open my eyes to find my reality with another woman. I thank her and return the favor.
I head to the shower afterward, leaving her in the room. I wash my body and my mind. I'm traveling with this woman tomorrow and I was thinking of another. I was cheating while she was giving me all her love. I love this woman so why can't I let go of the woman I love more? Is it always going to be like this for me? Am I always going to love two people at the same time?
I hear my baby crying while I'm washing my hair. Stacy comes in after a minutes, still in her bra and underwear. She giggles when she sees the shampoo in my hair. I smile at her red face.
"She's hungry. She literally pulled down my bra to have food." I sigh, washing my hair quickly, still hearing Sally's cries. "Can I shower after?"
"Of course you can." I chuckle. "Sorry about my baby always pushing herself against your chest. She does it to everyone."
"Oh, I know. It's normal, by the way." Stacy laughs. "I feel bad for her."
"Why?" Stacy starts removing her undergarment as I wash my body quickly. "Is there something wrong with her?"
"No, no," she says. Stacy comes in, joining me. "I feel like she's afraid all the time, afraid you'll stop feeding her or leave her or something. That's why she's always crying when she sees no one. That's why I left her. She's in her crib so don't worry. She should get used to it."
"Uhh…I'm leaving now…I don't like leaving her alone." I rinse the soap off my body, angry that she thinks she knows my baby and how she feels. I don't even know how she feels for Stacy to decide.
"Leave her," she whispers, pushing me against the wall. "I want more of you." I take a deep breath and push her off gently.
"Stacy, no," I say. "I'm sorry but that's my baby and you can't tell me what to do with her, please understand that." She nods. No smile. No words. "Don't be upset with me but that's my baby, please let me make the decisions."
"Fair enough." I know it isn't. I know I hurt her feelings. I know she's tearing up. I know when I leave now she might cry. I know all that because that's nothing someone as caring as Stacy should hear, but Stacy understands nothing and knows nothing so I have to stop her from now before it gets too much and then she's attached to Tegan's child, and in return my Snowball would get attached to her as well.
I leave in my towel. It's cold but I don't care much. I go to the nursery and pick up my crying baby. The cries turn into soft whimpers and once I'm inside my bedroom, they come to a stop. I look at her red face and wipe her tears with my thumbs. I kiss her cheeks and tickle her, making her squirm.
"You want food?" I ask softly. "You're hungry, my little Snowball?" She stares with wide eyes at me, soft sounds coming out of her lips. "You want mommy's boobies?" Her voice becomes louder, attempting her own conversation, making me giggle. "When are we gonna stop having mommy's boobies? Aren't we growing a bit old?" I kiss her forehead and she giggles. "Yeah? Soon, right?"
I don't breastfeed as much as before. I do it before bed and after she wakes up and once midday. Sometimes I do it more if she's giving me a hard time or if she's really upset or sick so I can make her feel better. I want her to wean at her own pace but I'm scared it might take longer. She likes normal food a lot now, so sometimes I don't even have to breastfeed in the morning. I wake up and give her whatever I've prepared and she just eats it as long as it doesn't have any taste of orange. That's the thing she hates the most.
I lower my towel, and make her sit on my lap, face directed toward my left breast. She immediately latches on, holding my breast with both hands. I stroke her hair while mine drips on the mattress. The room is warm but I still need to get dressed.
Stacy comes in after a few minutes, face and body flushed and wet. I smile apologetically at her, shame crawling up my spine. She smiles back with teary eyes. She grabs fresh underwear from her suitcase and then grabs her cardigan and jeans then heads back to the bathroom. I plan the conversation I need to talk to her about once she's back, rearranging words in my head.
"Don't you think we should buy more tampons in case you get your period there?" she asks as soon as she enters the room, holding her box of tampons in her hands. She sits down on the floor right beside the opened suitcase to place more things inside.
"I don't use tampons." She looks up at me with parted lips. "I use pads." Sally leaves my breast, turning around to look at her. "I'll get some there if I have a period." Sally turns around and latches on once again. "Stace?" She looks up at me. "Come here." She does as I say.
She sits on the mattress beside me, staring at me. Her eyes are inspecting mine. "I'm sorry I was so…harsh in the bathroom."
"Sara, it's fine. I'm just a bit sensitive." She chuckles. "Period soon."
"No. What I said was rude." I sigh. "I just want you to understand my perception."
"I understand it." You never will, Stacy.
"Having her was a hard decision I needed to take. She has no father or another mother. I feel like I need to be those for her. I know you're trying to help and you love her but what if she wakes up one day and you're not there? What if she gets too attached?"
"Why are you saying such a thing?" Stacy whispers with utter surprise. "Don't we love each other?" Her voice is softer now, hurt.
"Of course we do," I say. "I just have this fear, you know. I don't want her to be hurt."
"I'll never hurt her or you." Stacy shrugs. "If something goes wrong in the future, I won't let her be involved in it because she shouldn't. I'll always love her." You don't know what you're saying. You just don't understand the weight your words hold and I can't tell you anything.
Meanwhile, Snowball decides she's full and wants to play with Stacy, so she crawls over to her and sits on her lap, saying some of her nonsense. Stacy, too, takes the opportunity to present her best tone of baby talk, which cheers up my baby.
Tegan drives us to the airport the next morning. Though I insist we take a cab, she insists on driving us. Before saying goodbye, once Stacy's out of the car, I ask her in a whisper, "How's your piercing?"
"It's good. I feel better now." She smiles, though her smile is forced. I can see that well. "Have a nice trip. Say hi to Jess."
"She hates you so I won't say anything," I say, looking at Stacy waiting for me outside with our suitcases next to her. "Take care of yourself." She nods. "Promise you will."
"I will," she says with a genuine smile this time. "I'm trying."
Stacy carries the suitcases and I carry Sally. I give her painkillers for her cramps and watch her sleep as soon as she's in the plane. I stay awake, holding Sally closer to my chest in case she has some fear of flights.
Before we get out of the airplane, Stacy starts crying. I haven't seen her so emotional or sensitive before. It worries me. I ask why she's crying and she shrugs.
"Did I do something wrong?"
"I'm nervous," she says. "What if your family doesn't like me?"
I pause, unable to say a word, trying to comprehend her reason. Sally tries to reach her, mumbling whatever she thinks could pacify the burst of emotions coming from her. I place Sally on her lap and she holds her closely. Sally slaps her face. We both giggle, even though tears are still coming out of her eyes.
"She's telling you to stop crying because you're the only girlfriend my family's going to like." Stacy smiles, I do too. I think of Tegan and how mum used to like her before she discovered that she's the one who had broken me. "Trust me; I've never had a good history with partners. I'm actually proud I can finally bring someone home without the fear my mum's going to give me a lecture at night when we're alone. I wish my dad's alive to see you right now." Thank God he's not. Thank God he hasn't seen what Tegan has done to me. Thank God he doesn't know a thing. And if he can see everything and hear everything or is watching over us like Tegan thinks dead people are, then I hope he knows I'm trying my best to fix my life. I'm truly trying, father; I just can't unlove Tegan.
Gladly, Joy is polite, quiet, and nice around Stacy. It's like I'm in front of a more refined version of my sister. She helps us with the suitcases and holds screaming and crying Sally, attacking her with kisses. "That's such a cute baby," she comments. "So chubby. How did you get her like that? She was a stick when she was born."
"Boob milk," I say, laughing. "She loves food, actually." Stacy feels awkward, so I hold her hand in the car ride home, leaving the passenger seat empty.
"Sare," says Joy, "Mum cooked a lot of food and she hasn't been feeling so great lately, so I want you to tell her that it's more than enough and she needs to relax because she doesn't believe me."
"What's wrong with her?" I ask, leaving Stacy's hand for a minute to deal with my panic.
"Nothing serious. She's old. She gets tired easily and lately her muscles have been acting up. I took her to the doctor and they gave her some drugs. I just don't want her to exhaust herself."
"And how's Rob?"
"I don't know. You haven't talked to him lately?" She's driving in our neighborhood right now. I glance at Stacy, who's staring outside of the window.
"I have, but it's different on the phone. I miss him." Stacy smiles at me. I have told her about Rob, part of her thinks I love him somehow. We joked about it before and now she has a wide grin on her face. She even believes he's my donor even though I swore he's not.
I hope mum and Sally won't slip and mention anything about Tegan, or Sally not being my biological child. Especially mum, I hope she doesn't forget or something. Jane will be joining us in few days and I can't wait to see her, but she's the person I'm scared of the most because she has the tendency to speak without thinking.
My mum takes me in her arms when she sees me. She holds me for too long, squeezing Sally between us. Sally stars crying. She takes her next, kissing her forehead. Sally's terrified, though. She starts screeching and kicking, wanting to go down. She throws one of the worst tantrums ever. Stacy and I try to calm her down but we both fail, and Sally only calms down when she sees my mum's new cat, Zeus, meowing at her. She pauses her screams and looks at me.
"Yeah, there's a cat in here. You love cats. No need to be afraid." She points at the cat and starts mumbling things I would never understand. "You want to play with it?" I put her down on the carpeted floor and she crawls to the cat as fast as she could, scaring the little animal like she does around Cindy. Joy closes the door of the living room so both of them won't get out.
I have to keep an eye on my kid and on my mother showering Stacy with questions about every possible aspect in her life.
"Sara and I met when she interviewed for my school. I'm the principal."
Joy winks at me. I shoot a glare.
"Sara has told me," Jessica says. "And how come you're not celebrating Christmas with your family?"
"Mum."
"It's just a question," she says. My mum is actually getting too old to notice she can be rude.
Stacy touches my nervous hand. "It's fine," she mumbles. I have invited Stacy because she deserves meeting my parents and they deserve meeting her. With all honesty, I wanted everyone to see the new and powerful Sara. That's me after the fall. That's the new, successful me.
"My father works during the holidays. He owns a real-estate company in Florida so I don't really visit much. My mother's dead and my brother lives in Europe."
"Oh, Sara hasn't told me that," my mum says. Joy's attention is also alerted, looking away from the cat and the baby to focus on our conversation.
"We usually visit dad during Hanukkah but this year I wanted to be with Sara and celebrate Christmas with her and Sally."
"You don't celebrate Christmas?" Joy asks. I walk up to Sally because she's suffocating the poor cat. She finally caught him and now she has both arms wrapped around his neck.
"Not usually," Stacy answers shyly. "It depends on whom I'm with." Sally screams again when I pick her up. Her small hand grabs a strand of hair and pulls it, making me squeal before Stacy's able to take her from me.
"Why don't you let her play?" mum asks. She's too happy seeing the baby and gets herself closer to Stacy, squeezing my coy girlfriend between us. Stacy should get used to how awkward it could get around my family. "She's so cute. Can I hold her?" Stacy hands her Sally carefully, but of course Sally resumes her temper tantrum, eyes searching for me and my girlfriend, making sure nobody's leaving.
"She can be too much sometimes." I sigh. "She was choking the poor cat. You just got him a few months ago." Joy and mum both sigh, and I know they do that because they're reminded of Lucifer which died six months ago. Thank God I wasn't here otherwise I would have cried. Thank God I have Sally.
"It's time to pump," Stacy reminds me with a rather low whisper that I can barely hear. I know she's tired and overwhelmed. She wants her rest, too.
I take Sally from mum and get up. Stacy imitates every move. "Mum, I have to pump and get her to take a nap otherwise she'll be grumpy. We have a lot to talk about but maybe when this little Snowball sleeps?" And when Stacy does, too.
"Yeah, but don't forget dinner." I look at my watch. It's still 2:47 PM. Too early for dinner. "Alright." I try to lean down to kiss her cheek, but Sally catches her hair and pulls it. I almost fall on her but Stacy steadies me. "My God," I shout, glaring at Sally.
"Sare," Stacy whispers. "Don't yell at her." Sally starts crying.
"She has to stop doing that."
"Sara, it's fine." My mum laughs. "She's a baby. You did that, too. You used to slap everyone you saw." I raise an eyebrow, watching Stacy's shadowed smirk from my periphery.
"Now we know who she got it from." I crack a smile, glad Stacy is able to joke and be herself around Jessica and Joy.
In my bedroom, I watch Stacy change for Sally as I pump. The room is still as neat as I left it last. We had just found out Tegan was pregnant. I was happy. I was the happiest woman alive despite my father's death. The tears I cried after finding out made me feel like I was soaring. My mum was smart enough to change the bedding and some of the decoration, but she forgot to remove the purple lamp Tegan has gotten me from China. We left it here and never asked for it to be shipped. It matched my room and I liked having things from her in it.
"Joy lives here?" Stacy asks.
"She does. She goes to York. It's twenty minutes away so she decided to stay here with mum until she could find a place of her own. Leaving mum alone is not something we like. She's old and gets lonely." Sally turns around before Stacy could put the new diaper on her. She starts crawling on the mattress. Stacy catches her quickly.
"Have you ever thought about living here next to her?" Sally starts crawling again as Stacy prepares her white and green polka-dotted overalls.
"I have but…" I pause, watching as Sally holds onto Stacy, trying her best to go down on the floor. "Be careful." Stacy picks her up and puts her further away from the edge, but Sally doesn't give her a chance, immediately crawling up to me with only her diaper. She puts her hand on my breast in order to remove the pump. "No, Sally, no," I say gently, removing her hand. "Stacy, she's gonna get cold." Stacy sighs softly, picking her up again. Sally starts kicking and whining. "Just hold her down. It's fine. Don't let her escape. I do that, too. She moves a lot. It's annoying."
"Yeah, I'm trying." She doesn't want to show force or control and I understand that. She's always a bit afraid while dealing with Sally. She's gentle and nice and that's what I love, but nothing comes naturally to her as it does with Tegan. It's as if Sally herself knows Tegan is her mother and she's more quiet and calm around her.
"Anyway, I have thought about it but I was living a state of mind that required me to assert my own independence. I needed to prove a lot to myself and to my family."
"And you've done it." She smiles triumphantly, finally done with getting Sally dressed.
"Thanks to you, I have."
"No, thanks to you," she says, sitting on the mattress.
Sally turns around on her tummy to stare at me. She pushes herself up and starts crawling towards me again. "Mama," she says quickly and I don't realize it until I see Stacy's wide eyes and hear it again. "Ma..ma." She reaches her hand for me.
Tears are already falling from my eyes when I hold her up, getting rid of the pump as soon as possible and covering my chest before she could find it. "What did you say?"
Nonsense is her response.
"Snowball, what did you say?"
More nonsense. I wonder what she thinks she's saying.
"You said mama." I kiss her button nose and she giggles. "Say mama."
Stacy's smiling, too. There are tears in her eyes. I don't know why and I don't ask why.
"Mama," I say.
"Mama," she says again. I hug her closely to me, crying the same way I've done when I learned Tegan was pregnant in this same room, on this same bed.
"I love you," I say. "I love you so much."
She mumbles more nonsense and I swear to God it sounds like a distorted version of I love you.
Stacy hands me a bottle of previously pumped milk and I put her down on my pillow, watching her hold the bottle with both hands. I'm still crying and she's staring at me as if I'm crazy.
We watch her fall asleep. Stacy kisses my temple twice and holds my hand.
"I love you," she whispers when Sally closes her eyes. "You're beautiful and I love you."
I kiss her. I kiss her with passion. I kiss her because she's kind, because she's beautiful, because she's merciful, because she's helpful, because she picked me up from the ashes and built me up again. I put my head on her chest and hear her heartbeat. I wish I can live in a world where it's only us three there without Tegan haunting me. I wish I can erase my past or push a reset button. I wish I can love her as vehemently and as violently as I love Tegan. I wish I can kiss her and love her without Tegan's image popping up in my brain, reminding me that I could never love a woman as much as I love her even if I gave every piece of my heart and soul to them.
"I love you, Stacy," I whisper because I can't say it out loud; I can't betray the ghost of Tegan, the specter that follows me, the telepathy that we probably have one way or another.
After dinner, Rob calls. He tells me he's going to visit in the morning. We talk for awhile and I warn him against saying anything in front of Stacy.
"If you hear anything you don't understand try not to be surprised. I'll explain later."
"Like what?" he asks.
"Like…umm, me breastfeeding Sally."
"Huh?"
"I breastfeed Sally and that might come up in some conversation or whatever so please don't act weird about it."
"How?" he asks loudly, clearly stunned.
"I took some hormones and pumped for awhile and now I feed her. It's a long process."
"Whoa." I sigh. "That's so…awesome."
"Can you not be a man about this?" I hear Stacy talking to my mother outside the bedroom which means they're almost coming in. "Stacy's coming in, I guess." The door knob is turned.
"Alright. Umm, I have to google this in order to fathom it but that's so cool. You're like supermom or something." He's such a man. I roll my eyes. Stacy with Sally in hand and my mum come inside. "I'll see you tomorrow. Say hi to your girlfriend."
"Alright. See ya."
Sally spreads her arms for me to hold her. I put the phone down and pick up my baby. She pushes her head on my chest and mumbles incoherent sounds. I kiss her head and start stroking her soft hair.
"Sara, it's time for her last meal," Stacy reminds me. I look at the time on my phone, noticing that her breastfeeding time started ten minutes ago.
"Okay, yeah." I get up, supporting her head and body well. "I'll do it outside. Why don't you rest? It's been a long day." Actually, I want some private time with my mother. I think she understands it, too. She nods slowly, smiling at my mum, who's smiling back at her.
"It's really nice to meet you, Stacy," my mum says. "You're as wonderful as Sara said." I grin at my girlfriend, whose cheeks are now crimson red.
"Thank you, Jessica."
I give Stacy a quick kiss on the cheek. "Rob's visiting tomorrow morning. I can't wait for you to meet him."
She giggles, kissing Sally's forehead. "Alright. I can't wait to meet him."
"Say goodbye, Sally." I wave at Stacy, looking at Sally. "Come on, wave."
She imitates my move, waving her hand towards my girlfriend. "Mama," she says. I look down, watching her wave excitedly. I smile awkwardly at Stacy before closing the door.
"Where is she going to sleep, Sara?" my mother asks me. "Jane's room?"
"No, between Stacy and me." I stare at the closed door which Sally is still waving at. Confusion is trickling down my fogy mind.
"Sare?" My mum puts a hand on me. "Let's go talk in my room." I nod, following her slowly.
I sit on the mattress, staring at Sally, who's now licking her balled up fist because she's hungry.
"Honey?" my mum says. "Is this about her calling Stacy mama?" I nod. "She has done it about three times today. Earlier when you were in the room and I was talking to her, Sally kept saying that."
"She thinks she's her mum," I say wistfully. Tegan would kill me if she heard it. Of course I can't say that out loud because my mother would never tolerate hearing Tegan's name on my tongue.
"She doesn't know what that is. She has heard it probably. Maybe at daycare. Maybe picked it up. It's not on purpose. She's a baby. She calls you and Stacy mama."
"She said it today for the first time." I smile as I remember hearing it. "She said it to me."
"I know," she says. "Stacy told me."
"Mum, I need to feed her. It's her last meal before sleep." My mum nods. "Can I use a pillow?" She immediately hands me hers without any question. I rest my back against the headboard so I can be comfortable.
A knock on the door is heard and, without asking who it is outside, Joy comes in instantly with a huge grin on her face.
"A meeting without me?" she says as she plops down on the mattress.
"We're just talking," mum says.
I put the pillow on my lap then put Sally on it, face directed towards my left breast. I pull up one side of my sweater. Both women are staring at me and it's making me feel uncomfortable. I haven't done this in front of anyone but Stacy and Tegan. Now I feel self-conscious and wrong.
"Can you not stare?" I ask awkwardly.
"Seriously?" Joy says. My mum turns her head away with a giggle. "We've seen you naked like hundreds of times."
"I know, it's just…" I falter. I don't know how to explain to them what I feel. It still feels fake and wrong to me. I still feel like I'm doing something strange and everyone is overwhelmed by it. Now that Sally's almost nine months it feels even weirder because she's not as small and she has teeth and she keeps biting me.
"Joy," mum says.
"What?" Joy can't get it.
I sigh, pulling the left cup of my bra down because Sally has already started touching my breast. Joy gasps. Sally latches on immediately. I jump when she pinches me with her small hand, holding onto my breast for dear life. I try to get her hand off of me but she doesn't let go. When I look up, I notice my mum staring with a furrowed brow and my sister staring with wide eyes.
"Why does it look like that?" Joy says.
"Huh?"
"Your nipple…why does it look...like that?" I feel the heat on my cheeks. I feel the perspiration against my temples. "Is that what happens to tits when somebody breastfeeds?"
"Joy, shut up," my mother says. "That's normal." She sighs. "Don't listen to her, Sara. Nothing's wrong with your breast."
"I pump a lot, I guess that's why." I shrug. I don't know what to do about that. Stacy hasn't complained. I've heard the comment from Tegan and now from Joy. Stacy never showed any sign of discomfort or hesitancy. Maybe she thinks my nipples look like that anyway.
"Why don't you stop feeding her?" Joy asks. "She's so big."
"I want her to stop at her own pace," I say, wishing for the conversation to end. I'm not going to sit here and be guilt tripped by my ignorant sister.
"She has teeth and today she ate more than anyone in the house."
"Joy," mum scolds. "Can you please say something nice or shut up?"
"I'm just asking," she whines. "Why is it always me that has to shut up?"
I rub my temple. I should have stayed in the bedroom and fed her there. "Please, guys, your voices. I want her to sleep."
"I'm sorry," Joy says with a pout. "I was just wondering."
"Well, I feed her only twice a day now. Sometimes three times. I still pump for her because she needs good milk and I also want to keep producing milk. I'm taking it step by step. She likes food more now but she likes my breast before she falls asleep." I smile at her. She nods, eyes on my breast.
"Doesn't it hurt?" she asks, gesturing with her eyes. I look down with Sally's hand still pinching my flesh while her lips are suckling as fast as she can. Her eyes open a bit and then they close again.
"It does," I mumble. "She bites a lot." I sigh with a smile. "But it's worth it." She nods. She doesn't understand.
I feel my mother's hand on my back going up and down, soothing me. I hiss whenever Sally bites and they notice. Joy doesn't say anything anymore so the conversation changes to another aspect about my life. They ask me about Stacy and about my job.
"She's gorgeous," my mum says. "Very articulate."
"She seems gentle and nice." I nod happily, glad she got their approval.
"Doesn't get angry, right?" I shake my head. I know what they mean. "Doesn't shout?" my mum asks.
"No, mum, she does not. She's the sweetest person I have met, and most of the times I feel like I don't deserve her because I'm a liar."
"Don't say that." I look down at Sally. Her sucks have slowed down. I brush away the bangs from her face. She opens her sleepy eyes and immediately closes them when she sees me smiling down at her. "I wish I have been able to do that with you," my mum says softly. I smile at her, now understanding how she has felt. I'll always worry about the past repeating itself but I have to make sure Sally never feels like she's less of a daughter if she ever finds out I'm not her biological mother.
"Can I take a picture of you feeding her?" Joy says. "I'm not gonna post it anywhere. I want you to have pictures like that so you can show them to her when she grows up." I nod quickly. Stacy has already taken many pictures of me. Tegan, too. I want as many pictures taken as possible.
"How's university?"
Joy grins as she looks at my picture. I take a look at it. I smile, too. Sally seems like she's so in the moment with her hand on my breast and the other on her ear. "Everything's going well. My friends are nice."
"She has a boyfriend," mum says.
Joy rolls her eyes. "I have a boyfriend."
"That's wonderful."
"Yeah. His name is Aiden. He's really nice and mum actually likes him. He likes her, too. He always visits and brings whatever she needs." She rolls her eyes again. My mum giggles. "He's coming in the morning, by the way."
"He's a gentleman," Jessica adds. "But she always spends the night with him and I worry."
"Mum, I'm eighteen." Joy sighs. "Tell her."
"She's eighteen, mum," I say, amused. "She's not a kid. Give her space."
"Well, until she gets her own place and settles in it, I'll still wait for her to get home."
This time when Joy rolls her eyes, it almost feels like her eyeballs are going to pop out. She's still my dramatic little sister and still struggles with my old parents. If dad's still around, I'm sure her boyfriend wouldn't be around as much.
"Soon," Joy whispers. "I'm gonna find a job and save and move out of here."
I hate the idea of leaving my mother alone. I understand that Joy needs her space, too. It's just hard for me to accept that there's no one with my mother now. I can't live here. I already have a life in Vancouver. I'm sure Joy won't stay with her for a long time. I just hope she finds something close to her.
I go back to the bedroom once Sally's asleep and I'm done talking to my mother. She asks me more questions about my life. She holds me close to her and tells me she's proud of me. She cries and I cry, too. She asks me about Tegan and tells me to be careful. She still doesn't trust her and can never trust any change my actual sister claims to have found. She asks me about Sonia. I have no answers for her because I barely talk to Sonia as much as she wishes to talk to me. I know that such news satisfies her ego. I don't know how I've rejected her all those years. I still can't fathom the pain I've caused her seeking pain for me and everyone around me.
I try not to make a sound. I move slowly, putting Sally on the mattress next to my girlfriend. I take off my blouse and grab my pajamas to put it on slowly.
"Sara?" Stacy whispers.
"Yeah?"
"She's asleep?"
"Yes, babe." I hide under the covers, staring at Stacy's droopy eyes. "I woke you up?"
"No, I was half asleep." I reach for her hand and she instantly squeezes it.
"We should have brought something for her to sleep in. Like a chair or a crib. I don't know." I sigh. This is going to be an annoying night with her between us.
"I used to sleep between my parents because my mum didn't feel safe leaving me alone in a room."
We laugh and then she shushes us. I put my hand against my mouth and laugh.
I experience one of the most horrible nights I've had with Sally. She continues waking up every few minutes with loud shrieks and heavy cries. Both Stacy and I do everything we can to stop her from crying. She's too tired so she keeps falling asleep, but somehow she wakes up after only few minutes.
My mother wakes up, too. She takes a look at Sally and tries to guess what's wrong.
"It's not her teeth." I shake my head. I'm tired and I have back pain. I haven't swallowed my pills so I can feed her and the pain immediately rushed in.
I cry next to my crying child.
"Maybe she's scared? Not used to being in a strange place yet?" Stacy says, rocking my sobbing baby. "Sara?" She gasps. "Why are you crying?"
"Everything hurts," I say. "I haven't taken my back medication and now I'm in pain. Just like that. Just one time without a fucking pill and I can feel the pain."
Though my mother attempts to soothe me with gentle rubs and Stacy gives my arm a squeeze, I can't feel but the pain.
"Babe, fall asleep, I'll take care of Sally." I take Sally from her and lie down on the mattress with her on top of me. "No, Sara, you need to rest," Stacy says.
"Sara, give us the baby."
"No," I say. "She won't shut up."
In the morning, over breakfast, I have Sally's lips latched onto my sore nipple as I eat whatever my mother keeps putting in my plate. Stacy is behind me, giving me a neck massage.
"I just need a cup of coffee right now."
"No," Stacy says.
"Sara, you're feeding her, coffee won't do you both any good. She needs to sleep, too."
"Watch her fall asleep now after the tantrum she's pulled all night." I sigh.
"If she does, you should sleep, too," Stacy suggests.
"You, too." Stacy hasn't closed an eye all night because of Sally and me. She kisses my temple. It's such a nice feeling; I close my eyes to savor it. I suppose I need affection. I guess I do need somebody to take care of me after years and years of being the one who's always given my all to my lover.
"Morning, guys." I open my eyes upon hearing Joy's rushed voice. "That's cute and all but, Sara, can you please get your tits inside your shirt because my boyfriend is coming over like right now and I don't want him to be horrified?"
"Joy," mum says with utter surprise. Every time my mother shows any type of shock over whatever Joy says or does, it makes me think that they haven't lived together for eighteen years. "That was very rude."
"He's gonna get awkward and like…her nipples look weird," she says, waving at me. "Just hide them, please."
I get up with Sally in my arms, lips still latched onto my right nipple. Stacy follows me inside the living room. She closes the door then shrieks when she feels the cat on her ankle. Thank God I'm already sitting down, otherwise I would have dropped Sally and fallen down.
When Sally sees the cat, she sits up. "Mama." She points at the cat. I burst in laughter even though I'm in too much fatigue to do so.
Stacy laughs, too. The cat begins meowing at my baby.
"Mama," Sally says again.
"So she either thinks you're a cat or that each creature is called mama or she was just meowing at you this whole time," Stacy teases. I nudge her playfully, putting Sally on the floor then resting my head on her shoulder.
We watch Sally play with the cat. I close my eyes on Stacy's shoulder, feeling her lips on my head. She kisses softly and I relax in her arms.
"I think I'm getting my period," I whisper.
"Really?"
"Yeah. I have terrible cramps."
"But it's good, right? You want it to come already."
"Badly." I open my eyes again. Sally's staring at both of us. I smile at her and she starts squealing and giggling.
"She's just so cute," Stacy comments. I look up at her, still smiling. She catches my lips in a kiss. I close my eyes and enjoy the warmth her tongue radiates. I feel her hand on my cheek, giving me heat. I moan then gasp when I feel somebody touching my feet. We look down to find Sally staring at us with a whiny red face. She starts hitting Stacy's legs with loud cries. "Oh, what's wrong?"
Sally tries to use our legs for leverage as she holds herself up. I watch intently as she slowly stands on two feet. I'm trying to hold my breath but I'm excited. Once she's up, using our knees for support, she immediately shrieks at Stacy, hitting her knees.
Stacy's speechless, doesn't know what's going on.
"Wait a minute," Stacy mumbles. She grabs my face and kisses me quickly and passionately. Sally shrieks and cries again, hitting Stacy's knees. She wipes her mouth and laughs loudly. "She's jealous."
"Seriously?" Stacy nods. "What the…" I pick up Sally to stop her from crying. She turns around and slaps Stacy. "No, Sally, that's rude." She looks at me then slaps me. "Sally," I yell. She yells incoherent sounds. "I don't get what you're saying but you're being rude."
"She doesn't want us to kiss," Stacy says. She has a stupid smile on her face and her cheeks are red. This is the first time I notice I'm actually very attracted to this woman, more than I've thought. I also notice being away from Tegan is healthy for me. But for how long? That's the question "What if she knows we…" I glare at Stacy. "I wasn't going to continue."
Sally pushes her head towards my chest, whining for more milk. "No," I whisper. "Big girls eat food and drink milk from the bottle. You had enough. You should sleep now." She starts patting my chest. "No, Sally." She starts crying, using all her strength to get me to feed her. "She doesn't even want it, she's just…she's just…ugh. She's possessive."
"She is," Stacy agrees. "Some kids are like that."
"Mama," she screams. "Mama." Her sobs are loud and her movement is strong. Stacy takes her away from me but the tantrum increases. Stacy has her own special method to calm her down. She holds her up and looks at her. Sally looks down at Stacy for awhile until she calms down. Meanwhile, Stacy rocks her so gently and slowly that Sally can barely feel it but it sends some soothing relief to her. Once Sally's calm, she puts her against her chest and uses her shoulder as a pillow. Sally likes that. I tried it once but I can't lift Sally up for too long, especially now she's getting heavier.
I fall asleep on the couch next to Stacy. Sally falls asleep in Stacy's arms. I wake up to the sound of a man in the living room. I open my eyes slowly to find my best friend sitting right beside me, speaking to my girlfriend. I gasp, immediately jumping in his arms.
We hug for too long until I hear my baby's whiny whimpers.
"I missed you so much," I say. "Damn, you look different." He looks old. He has a beard now and his hair is shorter.
"You look different, too," he says. "Beautiful. More beautiful than ever."
"Thank you." I look awkwardly at my girlfriend with my baby on her lap. "I see you've met."
Stacy nods. "He's been here for fifteen minutes. We chatted a bit."
"How long have I been asleep?"
"About an hour," Stacy answers. I take Sally from her. As if I am her savior, Sally squeals when she's in my arms. She pushes herself against my chest quickly.
"Isn't she cute?" I ask Rob, whose smile is as wide as it could be.
"She's adorable," he says. I know he has a lot of things to say but he can't. I give him a knowing smile and he nods slightly. "She's like a little marshmallow." I laugh.
"We call her Snowball." Sally looks up at me right away, thinking I'm calling her name.
"Mama," she says.
"Yeah," I whisper, kissing her forehead. "She calls me mama." I kiss her forehead again. She pats my breast. "No," I whisper. "No milk left." I look up at my friend with a sheepish smile. His eyes are bit wide with wonder but he doesn't comment on it.
"I'll get her some food. You two catch up."
That's what I like about Stacy; she knows exactly when it's time to leave. She always gives me the space I need.
I try to catch up with Rob as much as I can during those minutes Stacy's gone.
"How's the asshole?" he asks.
"Don't curse in front of her," I say.
"Sorry."
"She's okay." I shrug. I haven't talked to her since I came here yesterday. She only texted to make sure we arrived here safely. "She's uh….her old self…a lot of girls and sex and parties."
He takes a deep breath as if thinking but his expression doesn't aid my confusion. He then shrugs. "People don't really change. Time only forces them to hide certain behaviors until they can reveal them again."
I don't answer him. I look down at the fruit of our mistake and shrug. I don't want to cry right now. This holiday is for me to forget not for me to feel sorry for myself.
"I don't care anymore," I tell him. "I'm trying to be healthy and I'm trying to live with everything I know and I have." I tighten my grip around my whiny, drooling baby. "And I'm thankful I have her."
"I'm glad you have her, too," he says. "She actually looks just like you when you were a baby."
"How do you know, idiot?" I say jokingly.
"Your baby pictures are all over the place, Sara," he reminds me. "She's a copy of you. It's like you're…." The door opens and interrupts him. Stacy comes in with the cat following. Sally shrieks when she sees Zeus.
I put her down quickly because she starts moving around. She crawls up to the cat and Stacy sits beside me with a bowl of mashed peas in her hand.
"Snowball," she calls. "Come here." She holds up the spoon with the green food in it. Sally, as if being called by a savior again, crawls as quickly as possible to take her bite.
"My baby likes every food by the way," I tell Rob.
"Just like her mum." He nudges my arm. I giggle.
"No, seriously. She's not disgusted by anything. Like, she eats everything and it's so weird."
"Yeah…didn't she hate everything before except umm…breast milk?" I nod. How does he still remember? "How did she change?"
"I don't even know."
Later during the day Rob takes me and Stacy out. We have dinner in a new restaurant I haven't seen before. Joy and her boyfriend follow to have some dessert. We catch up and talk about every possible topic that doesn't lead us to my harbored history. Joy's boyfriend doesn't know the secret for sure.
Even though my mother offered to babysit Sally, I didn't let her so now Sally's with me and I'm trying my best to have a good evening with a grumpy baby in my arms. Stacy and I take shifts caring for her. When it's time for her to be nursed, she begins to search for my breast, making a scene in the cozy place.
"What's wrong?" Rob asks.
"I have to feed her," I whisper. Stacy tries to take her but she shrieks.
"You really should wean her. She's old," Joy remarks. I look at her, ashamed and embarrassed. She shrugs. Aiden doesn't say anything. Rob seems confused and uncomfortable. Stacy tries to calm her down with a pacifier that she throws with a loud cry.
"Maybe we should go," I whisper, tears in my eyes. I look around at the disturbed people. "This is embarrassing." I feel the hot tears falling down. I stand up with her in my arms and head towards the restrooms.
"Why do you do this to me?" I talk to a baby that doesn't understand. "Can't you just let me have some peaceful dinner for once?" I cry and cry and cry.
I don't get what's happening and I don't understand myself. She's now quiet, staring at me with big grey eyes. Her chubby cheeks are red and her long eyelashes are wet with tears.
Stacy enters with a sympathetic smile. She furrows her brows when she sees the continuous crying. I hiccup a couple of times. She hugs both Sally and me. She kisses my wet face with Sally tucked in between us. Sally points at her, demanding to be carried.
"Why are you crying?"
"I don't know."
"Cry it out then," she says softly.
When I cry it out and feel better, I leave to find a quiet table with only Rob sitting at.
"They left," he says. "Are you okay?" I smile at him and nod. "Joy wanted me to tell you she's sorry for saying that."
"I know. She just texted me." I sigh. "It's not her I got pissed at. I don't know. I just felt like I can't go out with Sally making a scene to have some boobs." Both Rob and Stacy laugh.
"Well, now she's asleep," Stacy says. I look at my baby in her arms, fast asleep without even being fed. "Let's enjoy the rest of the evening while we can." She leans in to kiss me in front of Rob. When she pulls away, I notice the redness on my best friend's cheeks.
When he drops us off, I ask Stacy to take Sally upstairs so I can talk to him a bit.
"I know you have a lot of questions."
"Oh, shit, you bet." He chuckles. "Like…how even?" He shakes his head, staring straight ahead into the foggy glass of his car. "You feed like you're actually her mum and it's just so wild to me."
"You have no idea the amount of pain I had to go through and I'm still suffering to do that." He looks at me, unable to comprehend what I'm talking about. "It was important to me. Nobody gets it and I'm not asking anybody to get it, but that's the way it is so…"
"I'm not shaming you, Sara," he says. "I'm just…intrigued, I guess." I nod. "I swear."
"Everyone is acting like…I don't know...like it's so disgusting and so weird. Joy keeps giving me these weird comments. Tegan says my breasts are ugly. You're intrigued that I have milk. Is it because I didn't push Sally out of me or is it because my breasts can't be used for what they're created for in the first place? Because surely they weren't created for some sexual fantasy, or so they could be some beautiful ornament on my body."
"Sara that's so not what I meant." I can hear the frustration in his voice. He takes a deep breath and tightens his grip on the steering wheel. I can see it because his veins are now bluer through his pale skin. "I just…God, I just meant like…I don't know. Okay? I don't get it, I guess. You're right, I don't." He huffs. "Sara?" He looks at me again. My name is still echoing inside my ears. It was so loud. It felt so sharp when he said it. "I am in love with you." I blink twice. "I know. It's been too long. I can't love you. We're just best friends. You're a lesbian. All of that shit. I know it. I just had to tell you. I am in love with you. I have a girlfriend. I didn't ask her to join us today. I'm a jerk. Pathetic? Certainly. I am pathetic. I can't seem to get over you or move on even though we're in our thirties and it's ridiculous."
His words are making me dizzy. I know he loves me. I've always known it. I just never wanted to hear him admit it again after he did the first time years ago.
"I really don't want our friendship to be awkward, Robert," I whisper. "Please don't go there."
"It's not going to be awkward."
"Yes it is," I say. "I'm going to be embarrassed around you. I'm not going to share everything so freely because I know how you feel and how everything might mean something else to you."
He shrugs.
"I love you," I say. "You're my best friend and I love you."
"You're just not into men."
"No, I'm not," I say loudly. "Why is it so hard to believe or to accept? I've never been with a man and I don't think I'll ever be." My frustration is loud and my anger is sharp. "And if I ever decided to sleep with a man for God knows what reason it is, it's going to be you." I close my eyes, not knowing why I added that last part. Now I just gave him hope and I don't want to give him any hope.
"It's not sexual," he whispers. "Really, Sara, I just love you. It's not just sex."
"It is about sex for me." I rest my head back and close my eyes. "Sex is part of it and you can't deny it."
"Well, it is, but not everything." He sighs. "Just forget it." He sighs again. "I just wanted to tell you."
"You wanted to tell me hoping one day I'll run in your arms when things don't work out with me and Stacy."
"That's…"
I interrupt him, "You have this picture of us living a happy life and having a happy family raising Sally and whatever child I'll get you as if nothing is wrong. You know my secret and I know your secrets and you think this is what happiness feels like." I chuckle. "Rob, I know people. I can read people. I know exactly what you think and feel. Loving me isn't easy. Being with me isn't a good option. If anything, you should be lucky you're not the woman upstairs because she doesn't know what might hit her later on. I'm not a good person for doing this, but I need it. And for the first time in my life, I'm going to be selfish and I'm going to be honest with myself about it." I take a deep breath then continue, "Being with me is an option you'll never have. Ever. The only person I'll ever love is Tegan. Stacy is my medicine and she's a wonderful person that I need to survive. Emotionally, I'm cheating on her. She doesn't have to know it. And just because you know it, it won't make you more entitled to be my partner than her." I give him a smile. "That's the way it is." I shrug. "Find a lover for you and forget about me because I'm not the person for you."
It feels like the first time in ages I allow myself to speak easily like that. I haven't had a stutter and I wasn't afraid to just say it. I sit back and relax, smiling at the ability I never knew I had. Maybe it's because I know Rob is safe. I know he won't hurt me. Maybe it's because I now know myself better. Though I'm in too much pain and fatigue, I still spoke and I still tried to be as honest as I could.
I know my words hurt him a bit, but he doesn't show it. When I leave to my room, I'm happy with myself. I lie down on the mattress with Stacy staring at me. I feel the ache through my body but it doesn't bother me.
"Is everything alright?"
"Yeah," I say. "My back hurts."
"Let me give you some massage," she offers. I allow her.
Within minutes, Joy is in my room apologizing for her behavior. Sally wakes up as a result. She begins her hyperactive nightly routine of moving around quickly as we try to sleep. She sits on Stacy's stomach then jumps on me, demanding to be fed.
Half asleep, I try to feed her but she ends up biting me each few seconds. I pull her away from me and she starts crying. That's the routine we suffer with for a few nights afterward. During the mornings, she crawls and plays and speaks loudly to whoever she thinks is listening. During the nights, she cries and whines and doesn't let us sleep.
She also hates Rob, or any man that tries to hold her. She throws tantrums and starts hitting the face of the said man. I think it's because of the beard, Stacy thinks it's because she doesn't have men in her life so she's not used to seeing them.
"She sees men around," I tell her in the kitchen as I prepare some food for Sally. Stacy and I have dark circles under our eyes due to the lack of sleep. My mother is disturbed by our presence because of Sally even though she doesn't voice it. Joy spends the days here and the nights with Aiden so she can sleep. I don't know what's wrong with my daughter but it's killing me, especially that I feel more tired and weak every day I spend taking care of whiny, hyper Sally.
"Yeah, not often. She's not close to them."
I sigh, slamming the spoon in the sink to open the jar I've been trying to open for the past minute. "So I have to let her see men and like…I don't know, get a father figure?"
Stacy takes the jar and with on twist she opens it. She hands it back to me with a shrug. I take another spoon and scoop some of the disgusting food, that somehow my daughter loves, then put it in the small yellow bowl. Stacy closes the jar and follows me to the living room where Sally is with my mother.
The scene that meets us makes me almost drop the bowl if it isn't for my controlled reaction. Sally's on the floor alone with a jar of Nutella in her lap. One hand is in her mouth, licking and tasting; the other is inside the jar, scooping more chocolate. That's not the problem. What I see makes me tear up immediately; the floor is full of chocolate and her clothes are, too. Mum is nowhere to be found.
"Sare, calm down," Stacy says with a hand on my arm before I attempt to do or say anything. She can sense the anger rising inside my system. I'm about to lose it.
"Why?" I say loudly, walking up to Sally. "Why did you do this?" Her ignorant eyes stare at me widely, still sucking her hand. Her lips turn upward in a smile and she offers her other hand, full of the gooey brown chocolate. "Why Sally?" I push the jar away, beginning to cry.
"What's going on?" mum says. I look behind me to find her at the door. She gasps at the scene. "How did this happen? I just…I left for a minute. I wanted to use the bathroom."
"She shouldn't be left alone," I shout. I put the jar on the coffee table, picking up Sally despite her immediate shrieking and crying. "And why is she left with a huge Nutella jar in her hand?" I know I shouldn't yell at my mother, but my frustration takes over me. I haven't had a good night's sleep since I came here, my body feels like its on lead, and my daughter is already too hyper without consuming that amount of sugar.
"It was on the table," my mum answers softly. "I just fed her one spoon. I then put it on the table. I don't know how she reached it."
"She can stand up to reach things now," I whisper. I look at the floor, shaking my head. "I'm so disappointed in you, Sally," I scold with an angry tone, making her cry more. "I'll clean it." I put Sally on the floor then sit down. "Stacy, I need…" Before finishing my sentence, I find Sally already crawling up to the Christmas tree, ready to pull it down like yesterday. "No," I scream. I crawl up to her and seize her. "Sally, what's going on with you?" I make her cry harder and louder.
"Sara, stop," Stacy says. "Give her to me."
"Don't," I yell. "That's my daughter and I'm free to scold her when she's giving people a hard time."
"Okay, I get it," she says defensively. "I just think you need to calm down. She's a baby."
"Sara," my mum whispers. I put my face in my hands and start sobbing. I don't even know why at the moment. I'm just stressed out. "Honey."
"Sare," Stacy says.
"I can't handle this." I hiccup and sniffle. "I'm a bad mum and I can't do it." With my crying and Sally's crying, everything feels like it's spinning.
"I'll give Sally a bath and change her clothes," Stacy says. "Why don't you take a nap? You're very stressed out."
Stacy leaves and I'm left with my mother, who tries to still my cries with her soothing back-rubs.
"What's going on?" she asks.
"I don't know."
"Something is going on," she comments. "Tell me."
"I don't know," I say, taking a deep breath. "I'm overwhelmed."
"I get it, but why?"
"I don't know," I repeat, louder this time.
"Is it because of her?" she insists. I know who she's talking about. I nod. "Why? Does she hurt you? Does she yell at you? Does she force you to…"
"Mum, no," I scream. "She's the opposite. Complete opposite and I'm a fucking bitch."
"Hey, hey, why are you saying this?"
I'm saying this because earlier today Tegan called to tell me she misses me. Like a deprived idiot, hearing her voice made me weak. I almost touched myself hearing her sensual rasp in my ears. We talked about the weather and about Emy. She asked about Sally but she didn't ask about Stacy. So on top of everything, I got Tegan to make the day just a tad better, reminding me why I'll never see a day of heaven in my life.
Of course, I don't tell my mum that. I give her some minor details that she rebukes me with poignant glares upon hearing.
I fall asleep with my head on her lap, but it's not a good sleep. I wake up after half an hour with lower back pain and terrible cramps. I head to the bathroom, checking if I got my period but I'm met with nothing. I wash my face and head to my room, where Stacy is on the mattress and Sally's sitting with toys around her. Stacy smiles.
"Better?" she asks.
"Yeah," I mumble. "I think I need a shower." She nods. "Is she okay?" I point at my daughter.
"Yeah, she's clean and she smells nice but still doesn't wanna fall asleep."
I sit on the mattress to get my baby's attention. "Snowball," I call. "Snowball," I call again. Sally looks up at me from the corner of her eyes. "She's angry." Stacy nods with a chuckle. "Mummy loves you, Snowball." I lean in to kiss her cheek but I'm slapped as soon as I do that. I tsk, giving her another kiss. "Mummy loves you," I say.
"Mama," she shoots, throwing a toy at me. She giggles and squeals, forgetting the events of the day.
"I wish I can play, Snowball, but I need a shower so I can be as clean as you." Stacy laughs. "So Stacy can love me and keep me in bed." I wink at my girlfriend, knowing I have said things that probably hurt her but she's used to my rudeness now. I don't know how and why she accepts it.
Sally looks back at Stacy, giggling more. My daughter is starting to grasp a few things now. She's developing consciousness and I'm happy about it. I just wish she'd be more quiet and flexible with me.
The shower only makes me feel worse. I lose my ability to concentrate, almost fainting. I wrap myself in a towel quickly and walk out to my bedroom, where Stacy and Sally are still in the same position they were left in just fifteen minutes ago.
"What's wrong?" Stacy says.
"I'm so cold." I shiver, sitting on the mattress with dripping water from my wet skin. "I almost fainted and I have the worst cramps in history." I start crying. "I'm so dizzy."
"Damn, Sare." She gets up, wrapping her arms around my flushed wet ones. She rubs gently to keep me warm. Sally says something we both can't understand. I look at her with tears in my eyes. "Babe, get dressed and fall asleep." I nod. She begins handing me some clothes and I get dressed quickly, wrapping myself in heavy sweats. She dries my hair with a towel, saying something about how I need to blow-dry it but I'm too dizzy to concentrate.
I put my head down on the pillow, ready to close my eyes but then I feel Sally's hand on my stomach, ready to mount my body. "Sally." I groan, picking her up. "Babe, let me sleep." I kiss her forehead. She pats my breast, reminding me that I have barely fed her today. "Food?"
"Sara, just relax. I'll feed her. You need to sleep."
"It's fine. Maybe she'll fall asleep, too?"
I uncover my chest as she sits in my lap, ready to latch on. I close my eyes, feeling her lips on my breast. I take a deep breath, part of me regretting feeding till now, part of me still feels guilty she's not properly fed. I know she only nurses three or sometimes two times a day, but it's getting harder because she obviously doesn't care much and spends the time biting.
I hiss once and twice whenever she bites. I look at her. She looks at me. She smiles and I can't help not to do so. Just after that smile she bites and pulls and I scream, pushing her away quickly. "Motherfuck," I scream, resuming my cries. "What's wrong with you?" She falls on the mattress, crying the loudest this day.
Stacy immediately picks her up, shushing her as I check my nipple. "Sara, she's…"
"A baby, I get it." I wipe my tears. "I can't do this anymore. She's an evil baby."
I close my eyes and cry softly until Sally's cries lull me to fall asleep.
I don't know how long I spend asleep or what happens in my absence. I just know that I needed the sleep. When I wake up, I find the bedroom well-lit. I look around me with a yawn. I find Stacy still lying next to me and I find Sally lying on her upper half with her face on her chest, listening to her heartbeat. I spend a quiet moment digesting the scene. Stacy's stroking my daughter's hair while my daughter has a pacifier in her mouth with her eyes closed. Did I do something good in my life to get this? Is it my reward for Tegan's abuse or is it my punishment? It must be my punishment because I can't fall in love with her as much as I am with my own sister. I can't give her my heart completely the way she's given me hers.
"Stace?" I whisper.
She looks at me, her tired eyes opening up. She needs to sleep, too. She deserves rest as well. "Yeah?"
"What time is it?"
"About seven." She smiles when I gasp. "You had a nice sleep?"
"Like I haven't slept in ages."
"Which is a fact." She laughs then shushes herself. "She slept two hours ago." She grins.
"But did you sleep?" She shakes her head. "Give her to me please. You need to fall asleep."
"It's fine. Keep her. She's comfortable."
I sit up slowly, feeling a familiar sensation in my underwear. My eyes widen. I look between my legs but I don't find anything. "Let me go to the bathroom," I stutter. "I'll get back to you."
I find blood in my underwear, making me smile. Finally. Now my body can function normally again. I pee and wash up.
"I finally have my period," I say loudly the moment I enter my room, causing my daughter to wake up.
"Shhhhh," Stacy says with her index against her lips and her stifled laugh glowing in her face. It's too late, though. Sally's eyes are already wide open. She rubs them once then closes them. She rubs them again and opens, searching in her surroundings. Her lips start moving against the pacifier.
"Oh, Sally," I say right after I lie down again next to my girlfriend. "Time to come to mama and let Stacy sleep?" Sally looks up at Stacy. The woman kisses her forehead. Sally looks at me again, not giving me attention at all. "Want some food?" I raise my hoodie and put down my bra. Sally turns around, not facing me. "Wha…"
"She's angry," Stacy whispers. "Sally?" she speaks. "Why are you angry at mama?" She picks her up, making her looks at both of us. "She wants to give you some food." Sally doesn't show any reaction.
"Did I scare my baby?" Stacy shakes her head with a giggle. "Sally?"
"Look, I think she doesn't really want milk anymore. I think it's time to wean her."
"Oh." I cover up my breast, thinking about everything people are saying about me feeding her. I wonder if Stacy thinks the same.
"Some studies have shown that when babies are ready to wean they bite a lot and give the mum a hard time. I think what she wants is to bond and to listen to your heartbeat, not food. She's already getting that now. She just wants to spend some time with you," Stacy explains. "So you pushing her away kinda made her upset. They have feelings, too." She smiles.
I look up at the ceiling, pondering her words. Maybe she's right. After all, she's more experienced than me even though I'm the one with the child. She has a degree in this. She has read books and has friends who have had babies.
"Stace?"
"Yes?"
"Do my breasts look ugly?"
"What?" I see her brows furrowing. She has a funny smile seeming as if I just said the silliest thing that has ever come out of my mouth. Sally jumps off and sits up between us, looking at both of us.
"My nipples…are they weird and ugly?" Stacy laughs loudly. "I'm serious." Now I'm just embarrassed I asked.
"No," she says loudly, too. "Where do you get these ideas from?"
"Everyone said so. Joy, Tegan." I shrug.
"That's not everyone." Stacy laughs. "Those are your sisters who haven't had babies and haven't breastfed." The irony is about to kill me.
"So you know they weren't like that," I ask, everything in me is on fire. "Like…before the."
"Yes, Sara, of course," she whispers. "I've been with a woman who's had a baby before."
"Really?" She nods proudly. "When?"
"A few years ago." Her smug smile is bright and teasing. I want to be close to her and squeeze the words out of her. Also, I think I'm a bit jealous.
"Tell me."
"Tell you what?"
"Everything," I insist. She laughs. "Have you like slept with the mums of the students at your school because if…" Before I continue, her face becomes red, so heated and so beautiful. "You player." She shrugs. "I can't believe it."
"It was a dark time and I'm not proud of it." Still, she's laughing.
"Yeah, right."
"I promise." She laughs more. "I was going through my mum's death and I took what I could get." She wipes a few tears that have collected around her eyes due to laughter. "You'd be surprised to know how many mums throw themselves at me." Now I think she's making me jealous on purpose.
"I should really watch out at work now." I go with the flow. I should make her feel loved and wanted, too. "Wow. You have a wild side." I chuckle.
"Mama," suddenly, Sally speaks.
"Yes?" I say. She points at Stacy and says it again. I open my mouth to speak then close it. Stacy looks at me worriedly. "Yeah," I say softly. "She's mama, too." Tegan will kill me, but I can't teach a baby who's a mum and who's not when my partner is doing a better job raising my kid than me.
Sally points at me and says, "Mama." I smile and take her in, showering her with kisses. She giggles and hides her face in my chest.
"Sare?" Stacy asks after some time. I turn around to face her. Sally has fallen asleep on my chest. "Wanna move in with me?"
I'm taken by surprise that she has to repeat her question again, her face stricken with apprehension.
"Uh…" I look down at Sally and remember Tegan. If I move in with Stacy, Tegan might lose it. But then again, if I move in with Stacy, it means I'll say goodbye to every hope of getting Tegan back to me. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure," she answers quickly. "You're staying at your sister's place and it feels awkward every time I'm there. I feel like she's watching us through her window." I chuckle because it's true. "Plus, I love you and I want us to…you know, be together all the time."
"Even when I have Sally who might wreak havoc in your place?" She laughs, making Sally whimper in her sleep.
"Even when naughty Sally's around. She's the life of the party, anyway." Stacy winks. I laugh.
"Then I'll move in with you when we're back home."
…
Sally
I walk up to the front door, blowing at my freezing hands. I should've worn mittens. I knock quickly, hoping the door would be opened without me having to wait. I knock again, staring at the snow collected on the front porch. I had given her a call that I was coming. I knock a third time, but before I stop, she opens the door with an apron wrapped around her waist.
"Hi, mum," I greet with a smile. She takes me in her arms, hugging me the way she always does. She kisses my temple and lets me go. I grin at her wide smile. "I missed you."
"You barely visit anymore," she whispers. I know it stings her but the whole letters thing has caused me a lot of distress. I told her about it already and mum told her about it, too. She knew Stacy would be told so she chased me to it regarding it. I thought about spending a few days with her so I took the next flight to Vancouver to chat with her and read the rest of the letters in her presence.
"I'm sorry," I whisper. "The whole letters thing is just…" I sigh and she nods.
We go to the kitchen where she takes off her apron and smooths her sweater. She begins brewing coffee while I take a seat at the table.
"Have you changed your mind yet?" she asks once she pours some coffee into my mug and offers me a piece of pecan pie she has learned to bake from my mum.
"No," I say. Somehow she frowns. "In fact, I'm more resistant to going now that I know how she treated you."
"She's your mother," Stacy says. "I'm not."
"Yes, you are." I shrug, tearing up.
"Honey," she whispers. Her hand brushes my shoulder. "We have fixed our issues a long time ago and both of us are happy and satisfied. She's an amazing person." I nod. "Otherwise, she wouldn't have kept you in my life as if I was your actual mum." I nod again. She's right. "Read the other letters, you'll notice how kind your mum really is."
"I know she is but…she hurt you." Stacy sighs. "You can't deny it."
"It wasn't something she could control."
"That's the problem," I exclaim. "Nobody can control themselves somehow. I just don't get why you accepted the pain and how she treated you like you didn't matter then acted as if nothing had happened. Why did you let her underestimate you?"
"Because I loved her." And the stupidest answer is what I receive. I shake my head.
"I don't get humans," I mumble. "They accept humiliation just because they're in love. Tegan hurt her and she accepted it because she loved her and then she did almost the same to you and you accepted it because you were in love with her." She doesn't say anything. She looks down at her mug, a frown etched on her face. "I don't know what love is but I know it shouldn't be about getting humiliated or mistreated or abused. If that person truly loved you, they wouldn't do that. And you should definitely love yourself way more than accepting such horrible treatment."
"Your mum never laid a hand on me. She never abused me," Stacy says. "She was just mean sometimes. Just too…defensive." I take a deep breath, nodding. "I know you're talking about it in general but she tried her best to be good to me."
"She was cheating the whole time," I say. I'm not trying to open stitched wounds, but I want to understand Stacy's feelings regarding what happened.
"I know," she says. "That's what hurt the most. Not the yelling, not the offensive words, not the cruelty. It was that. Seeing it with my own eyes…and with her sister. It was just…" She shrugs.
"Have you predicted it before?" She looks at me for a long time, remembering or pondering or thinking. I don't really know. I look at her uneaten pie then take a bite of mine, slightly moaning at the taste.
"I kind of predicted something was not right, yes."
"When?" I ask her.
"You were nine months old and we were visiting your grandparents in Toronto for Christmas."
Oh. I know that day. I've read the letter regarding that.
"I woke up one morning before Sara and went downstairs. Your grandma was there. I sat with her and we started chatting a little bit. All of a sudden she got teary eyes and started talking about Sara and how hard her life had been."
"What did she say?" I ask quickly.
"She said that Sara had gone through so much. She had suffered abuse and depression. She told me that Sara had tried to commit suicide many times. She made me promise her not to do that to Sara."
"Did you ask who'd done it?"
She looks at me as if she's trying to remember. Her eyes are focused and still. I wait for her to speak.
"It's her sister," the mother said. "Tegan, her sister. She's not a very stable person." Jessica didn't want to reveal information but she had to warn the new woman. Everything in her wanted Tegan out of the picture, yet her daughter was still thinking and dreaming about her.
"Why?" Stacy asked loudly, horror masking her features and goosebumps blanketing her skin.
"They had some arguments, and one time she pushed her roughly and Sara fell on her back." That's when Stacy began to connect some events, realizing what her girlfriend had told her were just bunch of lies. "Sara has been suffering ever since. You can see how her back is…" Stacy nodded so Jessica would stop talking, but Jessica continued, "Yeah, and one time she almost killed her. She hit her till she almost lost consciousness. Thankfully Emy was around to help her."
"Why did Sara and Emy break up?" Stacy asked, maybe that one was a lie, too.
"Their love kind of died, I suppose." Jessica shrugged. "It wasn't really dramatic. It was mostly mutual."
That's what Stacy had been told by Sara, too. She nodded in relief. Maybe she just didn't want her sister's image to be distorted to Stacy. However, keeping Sally with Tegan was not safe. She had to make sure Sara never kept her there for long hours.
"How does Sara still trust her?" Stacy asked. "She keeps Sally with her, too."
"Supposedly Tegan is on her medication right now. Back then she hadn't been diagnosed yet." Stacy nodded. "She hadn't hurt her since then but she's a mean woman. She's not…she's not soft-hearted at all. I just…I don't want my daughter to experience that type of pain again."
"I won't ever treat her like that," Stacy promised.
"Yes, I asked," Stacy finally answers me. "And she told me it's Tegan." My lips open up in confusion. "She didn't tell me why. She told me whenever they had a misunderstanding they fought and Tegan was just abusive." Stacy sighs. "I suspected some things. I knew something was hidden, I just didn't know what it was. It always felt strange to me how she made sure Tegan must've had a fair share of you. You had a day in the week with Tegan, and she always left you with her." I look down, feeling bad for this lonely woman. Luck was never on her side. "I always felt jealous she was okay with you being so close to Tegan but was so uncomfortable whenever you called me mum in front of people or showed affection towards me. I wondered why but I never asked because I was always afraid she'd leave me. Part of me sensed it, I guess.
Stacy had never gotten married. She didn't even get a baby of her own. She tried and it didn't work for her. That's what she had told me. The only person she has in her life is me. I visit sometimes but not as much as I used to when I was younger. Mum used to drop me off every weekend as she and Stacy agreed. I truly thought Stacy was my other mum for a long time. I always wanted them to go back together. One time I realized they had spent the night together and that was the happiest day of my life. I hadn't realized they did that because Stacy was helping my mum with her aching back the whole night. At least they don't hate each other anymore and that's good, I guess. At least I can say I have many mums and a dad and a very dysfunctional family.