Trigger Warning: Abuse / Violence
Sara's POV
The sudden phone call I receive in the middle of the night leaves me speechless and frantic. I get out of bed, searching for something to put on my feet in the darkness of the room. My heart races and my mind goes over thousands of horrible scenarios. I step on something that hurts my foot. "Fuck."
"Sara?" I hear my girlfriend's voice calling in the dimmed room. "Wha…what's wrong?" She switches on the lamp on the nightstand.
"Pearl is in the hospital," I say quickly, shivering due the chilliness of the room and my flimsy nightwear. I switch on the lights to search for something to wear. Tears beginning to collect in my eyes as I recall the rushed phone call in my head.
"What?" Stacy sits up and reaches for her glasses. I begin undressing as quickly as possible even though I should go to the bathroom to wash my face at least. There's no time. Tegan is going to pick me up soon. "Why?"
"I don't know." I begin crying. "We don't know." Stacy stands up to walk over to me but I shift away from her. We had a fight in the evening. It's not new. We always fight. We've been together for almost two years now and just like with all my exes, two years end up in fights and arguments over the most stupid things. "Tegan said Pearl is in the hospital and she's gonna pick me up now to be with Emy and Amber because they're losing it. That's all I know." I walk over to my nightstand to reach for my phone and my glasses.
"God, I hope she's okay." I nod.
"I'll go wash my face." As I head to the bathroom I can hear her footsteps in the house. It's almost 4 AM and I guess she's not going back to sleep anytime soon. Always so selfless; I just hate it.
I wait for Tegan in the living room and Stacy follows me with a cup of coffee for me and her. I thank her quietly, wondering what's taking Tegan so long.
"Um…I might not…"
"It's fine. I know. I'll tell Landon it's a family emergency so he wouldn't say shit." I sigh, knowing I haven't been anything but trouble for Stacy at school. I've been missing so many days at school lately, and that's one of the reasons we fight. Stacy hears many people talking shit about us, about how she's lenient with me. I've been missing work because Sally gets sick a lot in the winter so I have to stay with her. I can't really tell Tegan to do that because her dad…our dad doesn't give her a break. I heard Sonia say that he does it on purpose so she spends as little time with Sally as possible because he knows that his daughter is too emotional and might ruin everything good in her life. That's not a lie. I also take days off because of my back. It always acts up randomly. Stacy knows what I go through so she gives me a break. However, lately, she's been telling me to lessen my absences because she might get in trouble. I picked a fight with her. I don't know why I did it. She doesn't deserve that, but I did it.
"And Sally," I whisper.
"Of course, Sara. She's my kid, too." No, she's not. But I can't say that right now. I have said it before and it did lead to another fight. I made her cry for days because I stressed that Sally is not hers, which is just the truth. Yet, she still likes to push my buttons and says she's her daughter.
In this case, I just nod and she chuckles, shaking her head and turning around to walk away from me. My phone buzzes in that instant and I head out with a faint goodbye which I don't hear back.
As soon as I get in the car, Tegan drives off quickly.
"What happened?" I ask, taking a look at my sister with her curls in each direction and the bags too heavy and too dark underneath her eyes. She's wearing a heavy jacket and her pale hands are clutched to the steering wheel.
"She woke up and found her not breathing."
"Oh my God," I scream. She starts crying. "What's going on right now?"
"She has really weak lungs. I don't even know. Emy called me screaming and crying and I had to drive there like a maniac. I drove her to the hospital and told Amber. She followed and I called you to get you there because Emy's losing it."
I don't know what might have gone wrong. Pearl has been doing well. Yes, she's sick most of the time and has trouble breathing at night, but she's okay. She's been okay. I don't want my best friend to have the fear of losing her child. I don't want her to be miserable and worried all the time.
And that's the face I see when I get to the hospital and squeeze her tightly. She cries in my arms for awhile until she's too exhausted to do anything. Amber is stronger. She looks like a stone. She's cold and dejected. She keeps walking around speaking to every doctor that goes in and leaves Pearl's room.
Tegan rubs Emy's hands and helps her lie down on her lap. She covers her with her parka and tries to put her to sleep. I have forgotten how gentle Tegan can be. I have switched off the memory of the love she could offer. Her actions have darkened the beautiful images. I still remember every time she rubbed my feet or back and each time she stroked my hair and put me to sleep when I was in pain. I remember that time I threw up on her and that time I cried all night long because of my cramps. Even when she broke me, she still took care of me.
She notices my stares and smiles at me, a tired and expired smile. Tegan isn't alright and I can see it. There's too much pain in her eyes. A few weeks ago, I picked up Sally from her place and Sally told me Tegan cried a lot. I asked why and Sally told me because her tummy hurt. I called Tegan to make sure she was fine and Tegan lied to me and I could sense the lie. She cried because she wanted her daughter to be hers and to spend more time with her. I truly try making Sally go there whenever I can, but my daughter is very whiny and too attached to me and to Stacy, which is also fucked up because it makes Tegan sadder.
I guess I fell asleep somehow. Tegan wakes me up with coffee in her hands. I ask about the time. It's a bit past seven in the morning.
"Stacy called like three times." Tegan yawns. "I told her you fell asleep."
"Pearl?" I ask, dismissing the topic.
Tegan smiles. "She's awake," she whispers.
"Oh, thank God." I take a deep breath, sipping my coffee and moaning at the taste. "God, I love you," I whisper.
"Me or the coffee?" she asks, still smiling so I smile back at her.
"Both," I mumble, looking down at my phone instead of her crimson face.
"Emy and Amber are with her. They're gonna keep her here until everything is alright."
I look up at Tegan, nodding. At the same time, I have the phone close to my ears, dialing up my girlfriend.
"Good morning," I say.
"Hi," she says dryly. "How are you? How's Pearl? How's Emy?"
"Slow down," I whisper. "I'm good. Pearl's awake now and Emy's with her."
"Good." She sighs.
"Is Sally awake yet?"
"Yeah. She's on the toilet. I'm waiting for her to finish."
"Alright. Good. I'll try to make it to school once I'm sure Emy's fine."
"It's fine, Sara." Tegan is looking at me right now. I can't really read her expression. She's just staring at me with a blank face. "I'll handle it."
"Thank you," I say. "Umm…Don't put more than one snack for her like last time, please."
"I won't," she says.
"Alright, thank you." I sigh, not at her but at my dead heart.
"You're welcome," she mumbles. "Take care."
"You, too." She hangs up.
I shake my head and I'm sure I can see Tegan's amusement from the periphery.
"You fought again?" she asks casually, as if this isn't the best news for her.
"Last night."
"About what this time?"
"Her telling me that I'm too controlling when it comes to Sally."
"The fuck she thinks she is speaking like that?"
"That's why we fought." I don't want to talk about it more. I shouldn't trash talk Stacy in front of Tegan. Stacy has done nothing wrong to me.
We stay in the hospital for a little while, making sure that Emy's alright. She tells us both to go to work and not to worry and thanks the two of us for being there for her. I take one last look at Pearl sitting on Amber's lap while she's feeding her. I wouldn't handle it if something like this happened to Sally. Emy notices me staring and tears up.
"Honey," I whisper and give her a hug. "Not here."
"She's not gonna survive, Sara." Emy sniffles.
"Don't say that."
"It's the truth, dammit," she says in a whisper but her angry octave is heard in the room.
Yes, the doctors did say their daughter was never going to survive when she was born and nobody expected her to do, yet she did. Pearl has survived and functioned normally till a few months ago. She began getting sick on regular basis. Then she began having trouble breathing. The doctors said it again, she was not going to survive and there's nothing they can do. She was born with weak lungs; lungs that barely work and miraculously functioned without an error this whole time. We can always hope that they will function again and the doctors are wrong, but let's be real this isn't a movie. We all know her days are numbered and Emy will never be fine again.
I can't take seeing my friend like this. I can't stop thinking about her pain.
"Sara?" Tegan interrupts me. I zone out, noticing my tears have stained my cheeks. "Let's give them some space." She's right. We should give them some space. I, myself, need some space.
Tegan drives me back home. I take a quick shower and get dressed quickly then take an Uber to work. Stacy's surprised to see me there. She looks nice. Her attire is attractive and I feel like a bitch treating her horribly.
"What are you doing here?" she asks me with a few folders in her hands.
"Pearl is awake and Emy seemed fine so I thought I'd come." I smile faintly at her. She nods without any smile. I open the door of my office and hide inside.
Even though I show up after nine, the day is still slow and boring. I call Emy to make sure everything is fine again. I call Sally's daycare to check on her. Then I get a call from Tegan telling me we're visiting Emy again later.
"Sure," I say. "I just gotta feed Sally when I'm back. Make sure she's okay and put her to sleep."
"Yeah, Sare, I finish at five anyway. I have to go home and shower and then I'll pick you up."
"Alright. That's perfect."
I spot Stacy in the hallway in her white suit. She looks stunning. She deserves someone better.
"How's your day?" I ask her, like I usually do when we're in a good mood.
"Not very good," she mumbles. I can see her fuming anger. I don't want to disturb her. I've been causing enough damage lately.
"You can talk about it if you want."
"So you can yell at me?" she scoffs. "No, thanks. That's the only place I can still maintain my dignity so please don't ruin it for me."
I try to calm myself down. Students are passing by and I don't want them to witness my anger. "You know what? You need to chill."
"I'm very calm," she says calmly. She is and it's annoying.
I walk away, busying myself with whatever work I can find until the day is over and we're in the car again picking up Sally.
The first thing I do when I get home is ask Sally if she wants to use the bathroom. We're potty training her but I still put on diapers for her in daycare until she's used to it. She shakes her head but Stacy picks her up anyway.
"Let's go to the bathroom," Stacy whispers. Sally giggles as she's being carried. I smile but my smile is filled with tears.
I follow them to the bathroom.
"Oh good job, Snowball," Stacy says. "Seems like somebody has asked to go to the bathroom, look at this mummy!" She shows me the empty diaper and I'm supposed to make myself proud and clap for my daughter. I'm supposed to pretend I'm not angry at my girlfriend.
"Ms. McKenzie took me," Sally says shyly. Stacy kisses her forehead before picking her up to put her on the toilet.
I am proud Sally's learning quickly. I am happy Stacy's helping. I'm just not happy she's helping way too much. I'm not happy that it's making Tegan upset. Sally's too invested in Stacy now and it's too late for her to recognize that Stacy isn't her mother as well. I wish Stacy would understand why I don't want her in Sally's life. I know that if she knew the truth she would get it, but I can't tell her the truth. She'll hate me. She'll be disgusted. And as much as I love Tegan and want her for me, as much as I don't want to lose Stacy because she's the only sane thing in my life right now.
As for Tegan, she's just in love with me and I'm in love with her and one of us is just waiting for the other to make the move. Each time we're about to kiss, something happens and I'm glad it does. A little bit disappointed but also glad. It's too late to fix things now. Everyone knows we're sisters. She took too long to realize she can't live without me and I can't live without her.
Stacy and I wait outside for Sally to finish; none of us is speaking to one another. Stacy thinks it's better to leave the baby alone in the bathroom to give them some privacy until they call you to the bathroom then you can go and help them. I can't deny that she helped me greatly. It's like she's done it before. She knows exactly what Sally should get and what Sally needs and it pleases Sally because she is recognized and loved by two mothers, an aunt, and many grown up friends. Sally loves attention and she gets it the way she likes.
"Mummy," my two-year-old calls. We both go there but I know she's calling me not her. It makes my heart cry with joy. She knows it, too. She's Mama, I'm Mummy, and Tegan, ironically, is Dada. Tegan has taught her to say that. I'm her daddy, Tegan told me once. That's disturbing and repulsive, I responded. But Tegan just laughed and told me to wash my brain with holy water.
I wash Sally's hands and face and then change her clothes in her room. I tickle her a little bit and kiss her cheeks.
"Did you have a nice day, Snowball?"
"Yes," she says, lisping on the S the way I do. I kiss her cheeks again and she giggles, giving me a kiss, too.
"Are you hungry?"
"Yes. Yes." She sits up, happy to hear she's going to eat.
"It's fine, I'll take her," Stacy says, now in her comfortable sweats. "Go change."
I nod and leave. Now Stacy's giving her share of love and affection and Sally's consuming it all.
I change my clothes and cry a little. I have to make up with Stacy. I can't treat her like that just because she wants to be Sally's mother, too. If she doesn't know, and can't find out, she should at least get something else in return. She should at least be respected by me.
I find Sally sitting on her lap while she's feeding her. She prefers that Sally sits on her chair but sometimes I just find her breaking her own rules when she's upset. Sally's her solace and she's not even mine to begin with.
It's all because of Tegan, though. It's what she did. She hurt me. She hurt me, hurt Sally, and now Stacy. She hurt everyone and now she regrets it when it's too late. Wish I can just tell her it's too late and move on, but I love inhaling her poison. That sickness she spreads is what heals me.
"Did something happen at school?" I ask Stacy when I sit down next to her. Sally smiles at me. She looks at Stacy and gives her a small hug. Stacy kisses her head. I guess my kid can see that this woman isn't feeling alright.
"The usual," she whispers. "Angry parents."
"About what?" I ask.
"You know?" She looks at me and wipes a single falling tear. "I don't wanna talk about it. I just want to sit here, spend time with my girlfriend and my kid without thinking much." She smiles at me. She knows I hate it when she refers to Sally as her kid or child or baby, yet she insists on using it.
This time I don't scold her. I simply nod and smile back. "I'll prepare dinner." I get up, knowing she'll get Sally to take her nap and find me in the kitchen with the food ready.
Tegan picks me up again around six. Stacy says she wants to visit Emy too, but I discourage her knowing that Emy isn't in the mood for too much company. I don't think she takes it the right way. She remains silent after a long huff. Sometimes I get tired of trying, but other times I understand why she's been acting this way recently. The thing is, I can't change much. That's how it is. She should get used to it.
Pearl's condition is stable which is fantastic. However, Emy's just a disaster. She's sure she's going to lose her child.
"I've been told she wasn't going to survive. I've been waiting for it."
"Can you not say this?" Amber scolds loudly. "Stop saying that."
"It's the fucking truth," Emy shouts. "It's what the doctors said. You didn't have to deal with this. You didn't have to deal with her in your womb. You didn't have to deal with her sleepless nights and inability to breathe well. You didn't and you don't have to deal with her brain functioning slower than everyone around her."
"Emy," Tegan says, touching her arm. "Please calm down."
"Pearl doesn't have a slow brain and you know that," Amber says. "It's not my fault I didn't deal with her. You didn't want me around. You're just too in love with this incestuous fuckfest in front of you to see me anyway. You're the one who kicked me out. I didn't leave you, Emy."
And by fuckfest, she means Tegan and me.
"Shut the fuck up, Amber," I say loudly. Tegan glares. "You don't get to insult us while we're here. We've been nothing but help and support and you don't get to call us any names. You know too fucking well what everyone here has been through so don't go trying to make yourself feel better by being shitty to us."
"Sara," Tegan says, "just let it go."
"No," I say. "I am not letting it go. Did you hear what she just called us?"
"Yeah, I heard. Let it go."
"I'm sorry," she says but she doesn't mean it.
"Guys, please leave," Emy says. "It's getting too much. Just leave."
And so we go. In the car I have to deal with Tegan preaching why I shouldn't have said anything.
"See, Sara? That's how people see us. That's what people around us see. That's why I'm fucking scared Sally might grow up and hear someone saying something like that. That's why I was frightened when I learned the news. That's why I kicked you out and wanted to disappear."
"Do you regret coming back?" I know I regret it somehow.
"No," she says. "I would have lost it. I love Sally. She's everything to me. I think, though, that…being around people who know everything about us is not very good."
"It's just Amber and Emy and our families, Tee," I say. "Emy won't hurt us."
"Emy might slip and our parents might, too. You and I might slip, too." I groan in her car. "I just wish that I haven't rejected you when I discovered everything. I should have just…you know continued whatever we had and we shouldn't have let anybody know but Sonia. Life would have been easier." I can do nothing but chuckle. "I'm an idiot." And it's too late now.
I notice we're at her place and when I inquire about it she tells me we both need a drink and some talk before she drops me off. She pours me some wine and we sit in the living room to chat.
"We should support Emy, you know," she says. "She's really…it's hard, Sara. When I spend the nights and watch her as she stays awake half of the time to make sure Pearl's breathing well is just too painful."
"You spend a lot of nights there, Tegan?" I ask what's not important because I'm a jealous person and I want to know. I have the chance to know and I deserve to know.
"Three times every week," she tells me.
"And the other four you have sex with different women." She shrugs, not confirming, not denying. "You still do that."
"Not as much as before but yes, I still do it. I have needs, too." I haven't had sex with Stacy in ages. "Plus, sex with Emy is just fun." Is she trying to make me feel jealous that my best friend slash ex is having sex with the love of my life who happens to be my sister and the mother of my child? "She's accepting of everything. She's like…you…you know. I can just ask her for whatever I want. I can't do that with other people." Amber's right. Emy is in love with our incestuous fuckfest.
"Consider yourself lucky, Tegan. The farthest I've gotten with Stacy is a six and a half inch dildo and only in my cunt."
Her eyes widen and her cheeks redden. Is she embarrassed? Shocked? Disturbed? Surprised?
"Square in bed?"
"Mhm." I take a sip, giving her a look I know I'll regret later. No wonder she never wants me around in this house when she's alone. I have no self-control and she doesn't, too. We haven't touched each other in three years and the longer we stay like this the harder it gets. My clit is gonna burst if I don't touch it right now.
"You know, I don't hate Stacy anymore. In fact I feel sorry for her."
"Sorry, how?" I ask quickly, glad she's not talking about sex anymore.
"She has all of this and she's not using it well." She points at me.
"Don't objectify me," I say, giggling.
"Oh you love it when I do that." She sits back and sighs. It's this type of sigh that screams restless content. Satisfaction is present but there's a mist of apprehension clouding it. "I miss your body so much," she whispers. "Nobody has those tits. So nice and so smooth."
It's getting uncomfortable sitting in my pants. I can't take it anymore. "Tegan," I whisper. "No." I shake my head.
"I'm just saying. If I can just take a look at it just one time I'd be so happy."
"You wanna see my body?" I ask, not sure if I should just leave or let the game begin. She nods quickly, but she also turns her head around. She takes a deep breath then looks back at me, smiling. "You want me to show it?"
"If you want," she says. She did show me her clit a couple of years ago when I asked her to show the piercing. I did have sex with Stacy imagining it. It's only fair to strip and let her just take a look. It's nothing she hasn't seen.
"Alright." I take a deep breath, too. "Just one look." She chuckles, shaking her head. Her ruddy complexion is confusing me. Is she shy? Really? Maybe heated with arousal. Perhaps angry. Or maybe just scared.
And taking off my clothes isn't helping as well. I'm wearing too much layers and it's cold. I'm nervous. I keep on tripping and my hands are shaking.
She starts stripping with me. I stop. My lips are trembling. Are we really gonna go there? Where were you two years ago when I was begging you to save us?
"I'm just stripping with you so you wouldn't feel anxious," she says, almost as if she's read my thoughts. "You look nervous." I nod, not confirming my anxiety, just assuring her that it's fine what she's doing. "Plus, I'm sure you miss my piercings."
No, Tegan. Don't do this after pushing me away. Don't do it.
But she does it, and I stare in wonder and excitement. She stares, too. She ogles every inch of exposed skin with lips agape and breath hitched. I'm not so innocent as well. Those silver barbells make me want to jump at her. I even step closer catching the piercing in her nether region. I gasp when she brushes it with her fingers. She bites her lower lip. We should not be doing this. I should not allow her to do this. She shouldn't have let me do this.
But, my God, she's so beautiful. That radiant skin, the softness I'm sure exists there, the smoothness, that pink hue, those nipples, that clit, the glistening slit. I want it all. I need it all back in my life. She's breathtaking. I miss her.
"What are you thinking?" she asks me. I know she can read my thoughts. She probably can.
"You're gorgeous," I tell her, finally looking back at her eyes. She smiles shyly.
"You, too," she says, almost whispering. "I love your body. You have the most beautiful body I've ever seen, Sara."
She's my sister. We can't do this.
"We're sisters," I say.
Reality hits her too when she hears me say it. Her eyes just widen and she stares at me, waiting for me to say more. "Why are we sisters? Why is it like that for us?" I can feel my hot tears falling down. "All I want to do is touch you right now and I'm sure you want it, too." I sniffle. She's not crying but the tears are forming. "Why does every person get to be with the one they love except us?"
"Not every person," she mumbles.
"Most people do." I wipe my nose with the back of my hand and bend down to pick up my clothes from the ground. "I never hurt anybody, yet all my life has been some sort of punishment for me. It's full of fucking impediments and hurdles. It's like I've murdered someone in my past life or something."
She starts getting dressed silently, not saying anything.
When we're fully clothed, she walks up to me to give me a hug, but before doing it she changes her mind. The reason I know she was going to hug me is because her arms were stretched out towards me. She wanted to embrace me like old times when I cried about my luck. She can't even do that anymore because she knows the self control we own is close to none.
"Don't be so hard on yourself," she whispers. "It's something we have to live with and one day we'll be fine with that."
"Do you really believe it when you lie to yourself?" I don't want to agitate her anger. I have no idea how her mental state is and I don't have a bone in my body that doesn't ache because of her. I don't get why I love her so much. She has taken everything I own, even my ability to love somebody else other than her.
"I try," she says calmly. "Otherwise I'd be dead." That's too dark, Tegan. Too dark.
She offers to drop me home but I quickly order an Uber. I don't want to be in the same car as her. I want to cry on my own. That's the only time I can cry without being interrogated by Stacy or seen by Sally. So I just spend the ride home crying and when Stacy sees my swollen lids I have the perfect excuse to tell her: Emy.
She gives me a hug, but I'm sure it's nothing like the one Tegan was going to give me. I wish she hugged me. She's still a coward.
I accept the hug anyway. I live in the guilt and embrace it like the way she holds me and the way I imagine Tegan would.
Just when I think I can sleep the night; just when I think I can push everything away, she attacks me with the same issue we fight over each night.
"Sara," she says and I know what she's going to talk about by the tone in her voice.
"Yes, Stacy."
"I want to be Sally's mum." I don't answer. I process the words. She has never said those words before. We fought about me not giving her space to take control of Sally's life the way I do, but I've always known what she wants. She hasn't ever said it, though. "I want to adopt her." She's crying. "I want to be a mother."
"Stacy, it's late." I can't answer this. I don't know how I can answer this.
"Just tell me why don't you want me to be that?"
"We have to be married and I'm not a marriage person." Her cries are heavy now. "We shouldn't talk about it now, Stacy," I say loudly, almost shouting. "I'm fucking tired. I've had a long day. Just give me some space."
"We can get a civil union." She won't fucking shut up.
"Stacy," I shout. "Stop it."
Her cries increase and moments later she's out of the room. I don't chase her. I just want to sleep.
In the morning, I find her asleep in Sally's room, right next to my daughter. I'm an asshole. I shouldn't have yelled. She doesn't get it. I wish I can tell her that Sally isn't mine. I wish I can tell her that if she adopted Sally with me, Tegan would lose it. I wish I can tell her that this is much better for both of us. Part of me regrets dating this woman. Part of me hates the fact I have feelings for her. Part of me hates the fact I can't be in love with her the way I am with Tegan. And one part also wonders whether loving her would be easy if Tegan wasn't here. I wish Tegan didn't follow me here. She wants nothing but pain to cause me.
I also can't tell this to anyone. If I tell my mother or Joy or Rob, they would scold me. I finally got the stable life I've always wanted and I'm seeking the destruction. It's like I crave it or something.
"Sara?" she says groggily, rubbing her eyes with a fist.
I wipe my tears quickly and respond, "Yeah."
"What time is it?" she asks.
"Morning." She sits up quickly, looking around her frantically. "It's Saturday, Stacy," I remind her. She takes a deep breath and lies back down. Sally's waking up, too.
I wait till my baby opens her eyes and realizes we're both in the room. Her two mothers…according to her. And to Stacy. She looks at us in wonder at first, eyes wide and cheeks red. I laugh, leaning in to shower her face with kisses.
"Good morning," I say, tickling her a little bit. She starts laughing and wriggling. "How's my little Snowball?"
"Good," she says, trying to push me away. I give her room to breathe, but it's Stacy's turn to give her kisses and cuddles. Stacy's gentler and doesn't smother her. Sally is still weirded out we're both in her room. She usually wakes up before us during the weekends. She would walk to our room and spend some time with us in bed until we get up. On work days, one of us wakes her up and helps her get to the bathroom and get dressed, whoever is ready first.
"Do you want to go to the bathroom?" Stacy asks her. Sally shakes her head. "You're sure?"
"Yes," Sally says loudly.
"Alright." Stacy laughs. "When you do, tell me."
"Okay." She hides her face in the pillow, clearly still sleepy.
"When did she sleep last night?"
"A bit later than usual," Stacy says. She sits up again and lowers her night gown. It's purple, it has lace, it's very short, it's sexy, and I like it. I've always liked this one. "We were watching Frozen. I got it on DVD for her." She smiles down at Sally. I smile too when I see the happiness in my daughter's eyes. She deserves a happy life. She deserves a stable family.
"I'm sorry about last night," I say. "I was too tired and upset."
"I don't wanna talk about it right here." I nod. I don't want to talk about it in front of Sally, too.
Therefore, we don't talk about it during the morning. She prepares the breakfast while I give Sally a bath. She takes Sally from me to feed her while I take a quick shower. We switch places and I play with Sally a little bit while she showers until she's done and we sit together to have breakfast while Sally runs around and plays. It's how we spend our weekend mornings. It's a nice routine that I like. It's a healthy routine. It's what normal feels like. I got normal, I have healthy, I own nice. Why do I look for fucked up when I have the opposite? Why do I go to fucked up when I have the good life?
And fucked up calls just when I think of her. My God, I'm sure she reads my thoughts.
"Hi, Sara," she says, as if last night was nothing. As if I didn't strip in front of her and she in front of me.
"Morning," I respond.
"How are you?" she asks.
"I'm good." It's awkward.
"I called Emy. They're going back home today. I'll pick you up to check on her later this evening, okay?"
"Okay. Is she okay with it, though?"
"Yes. She apologized about last night. Amber won't be there. Don't worry."
"That's good." I sigh, taking a bite out of my toast.
"How's Sally?"
"She's good."
"Good," says Tegan. "Have a nice day, Sara."
"You, too," I say, taking a look at my daughter playing on the kitchen floor with a small car in her hand.
Stacy doesn't ask me about Tegan and what she wants but later when Sally's napping, Stacy asks a question I haven't expected to hear from her.
"Why is Tegan so invested in Sally?" It takes me a minute to absorb her question.
I lower my glasses and my book and lift up my feet, putting them on the couch so I can find time to answer her question. "She's just her aunt."
"Sometimes I feel like Tegan's her mother not you," she mumbles irritably.
"What do you mean?" I ask quickly, heart beating fast.
"I don't know." She sighs. "I'm just upset. I'm just jealous. I just can't take it anymore."
She starts crying.
"Do you want to talk about it now?" She nods, wiping her tears but more are falling.
"Listen to me," I say. I get up, too. I walk up to her and sit next to her. I take a hold of her hand. A perfect act I've been thinking of all morning. "It's not that I don't want you to be in Sally's life. It has nothing to do with that. I'm just scared, Stacy."
"Scared of?"
"What if we…you know…break up one day and she…she'll have to deal with…with this thing. With split-up parents."
First Stacy squints at me, then she lets go of my hand with a chuckle and a knowing smile. "I get it now," she whispers. "You're not in love with me," she says, nodding. "You don't see a future with me."
My eyes widen with shock. No. She can't sense that. Stacy's the only normal thing my life and I can't lose her. Yes, I'm not in love with her but if I can't have Tegan then I must have her.
"No, Stacy, no…no, no, no…" I start to stutter. I also lisp. She notices. Her brows furrow. Wow! I really am afraid of losing her. "I…it's…it's n…not…not that."
"Relax," she says. She puts her hand on my knee and squeezes. Hot tears stream down my face. Why am I stuttering?
"Stacy…" I take a deep breath and she nods. "I don't want to leave you. I do love you." I do love her. It isn't a lie. It's just…she's not Tegan. So it isn't the same love. I love Emy, too. But Emy's not Tegan, too. That's who I am. I love a lot of people but Tegan is the one for me. "I'm actually scared you would leave…leave me."
"Why?"
"I don't know." She would leave me if she found out and she's smart enough to find out if Tegan keeps acting like she's Sally's mum. I have to stop Tegan but I'm scared of her reaction. "I'm just hard to live with, Stacy."
"You're not," she says. "I mean…you weren't for the most part. Now you just seem different. Something's changed with you…so I assumed you're not interested in me anymore."
"No," I say. "I just have my days." I shrug. I can't explain further. "Sometimes I'm just…like that. Distant." She nods and I'm not sure whether she's onto me and my lies or she believes me.
"My doctor said that this is the last chance I have to…umm…to have kids." I look up at her. "Like if I want to conceive, I have to do it now." That means this is the last chance for me, too.
"But we're young. We're in our mid thirties. It's too early."
"I didn't say you, I said me," she answers impudently. "It's different for each woman."
"It's not…it's just…"
"Sara, I have to remove my ovaries two years from now," she interrupts. "It's how it is. I have to reduce the risk of breast cancer because it's very likely I will end up like my mother."
My sentence falls short and my breath hitches. I sit back and say nothing. "You'll remove your umm…"
"Breasts? Yes," she answers confidently.
"But…"
"It's how it is," she says through tears. "I'm not asking for much. I'm just asking to adopt her with you. I didn't even ask you to have a baby with me because I know you wouldn't want another baby right now."
No. It isn't this Stacy. It's the fact I won't be carrying that would make me not want to have a baby with you. It's like having a baby from different people and each baby is not yours. If I ever wanted another baby, I'd make sure to be the one carrying.
"But don't you want your own baby? Don't you want to carry?"
"I want to be with you. I love you," she says. She's killing me. She knows too well that if she gets her own child, I'll stay away and leave. She knows me. She's figuring it out. "I've always felt like Sally's my baby."
"Is that why you…you, you know, asked me out? Why you accepted being with me? Like…was Sally your key to motherhood?"
"What the fuck, Sara?"
I'm stupid. I always say stupid things.
"You obviously don't fucking understand me or my feelings for you. You think everyone is as selfish as you."
"I'm not selfish," I shout.
"Then tell me why can't you just let me be her mother, too?"
Because I can't fucking tell you.
"I need to think about it, okay? I can't just…Stacy, this is my daughter. I had her without anybody and I didn't want anybody to have her with. Then all of a sudden you're asking me to be a co-parent."
"She already calls me mum. She thinks I am her mum. She's going to grow up and you're going to tell her I am not her mum and she won't fucking get it and she won't fucking understand it. I'm actually making it easier for you."
"You know, you're selfish, too." I get up, ready to end this stupid discussion. "You can't see it my way. You think I have to see it your way and I'm trying but you're not trying to see it the way I do. I told you I need to think about it and you think I'm selfish? You don't fucking get what I've been through so don't assume."
"Then tell me, talk to me. Just fucking tell me all those secrets you hide."
"There are no fucking secrets," I shout, walking towards the stairs. My anger shows the opposite.
I get dressed and wait for Tegan. Stacy and I don't say anything to each other after the argument. Once Tegan honks for me to go outside, I leave without saying a single word, not even my usual 'If something happens, give me a call.'
I know I'm doing the opposite of what I'm saying. She is a co-parent already. Sally is like her kid, too. And I have to be honest with myself when I say that without her around, I wouldn't be where I am today when it comes to financial stability, motherhood, and career, too. She's done millions of things for me and wants just this favor. She wants to share what I have already offered. I have to discuss it with Tegan, though I'm sure I know the answer.
"You're okay?" Tegan asks when she senses my silence.
"I am," I lie.
"No, you're not." She chuckles.
"There is something I have to discuss with you later tonight…umm…after we leave Emy's."
"Fine, we'll go to my place."
"Umm, no…we'll go to a restaurant or whatever."
She nods with her knowing smirk.
"As you wish." I don't have much control in her place. She knows it. I know it. Being alone is wrong.
But that's the thing; we have to be alone for this because I'm not sure she will take it well. Is she going to yell? Throw things? Hit me maybe? Curse? Maybe just cry? I don't know how her mental state is and she doesn't share much. I know from Sonia and Emy and her behavior that she's healthy. But I had always thought she's healthy before she lashed out and broke me that damned day.
Therefore, after visiting Emy, I change my mind and tell her to stop at her place.
"How come?" she asks.
"It's serious and it needs to be discussed quietly." I only get a low hum. I understand her mood isn't right as well. Emy has cried the entire time we visited.
Tegan did show a great deal of kindness and gentleness by holding her and letting her cry on her lap. I've never seen Tegan like that with anybody but me. Now all that love and affection is directed towards Emy which did and still does make me feel...jealous. Yes, I am jealous. It's ironic. Years ago, that affection was shared between Emy and me and she was the jealous one. Now it's just the opposite. When I'm jealous, in such moments, I miss Stacy and wish she's around. That's how I know she's merely a replacement of what I can't have, which actually just makes me feel even more terrible about myself and my motives. I wish I can free myself from this guilt, but it's just an umbrella above my head that follows wherever I move.
We arrive to her place and I move to sit near the fireplace to warm my body with its heat. She goes to the kitchen and comes back a minute later with coffee. Smart move, no drinking this time.
"You know, Sara, I want to talk, too," she says, too forward, too tensed.
"Uh…okay…but."
"I love you," she interrupts my slow stutter. "I am in love with you and seeing your body yesterday killed me all night long and all morning, too."
"Tegan…" Don't go there, Tegan. You know how weak I am.
"I want to see it again. I miss it. I miss how tender and soft it is. I just want you and I just regret everything I've done to push you away."
"Is this just sexual?"
"No," she shouts. I take a step back but the heat of the fire makes me halt, afraid if I take one step back I get burned or one step forward I get abused. "I just want it like old times. I want to touch you."
I put my coffee down on the table and sit on one couch. I take a deep breath while she watches intently with parted lips and an expectant gaze. "Tegan, sit down." She obeys quickly, clutching her mug tightly. "What changed all of a sudden?"
Her tears emerge before her words do. "Nothing really," she whispers. "I've always wanted it."
"But you hated incest. You called me disgusting and thought it's wrong."
"I tried my best to convince myself it is but I just can't accept that it is. I just love you so much and that will never change. I am sexually attracted to you no matter who you are. I don't get why I was attracted to you out of all people but it isn't my fault you're my sister. I loved you before knowing, I can't unlove you after it."
"Why now?" I want answers. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to relax. I'm doing everything I have learned and everything I tell my own patients. "Why not two years ago when I begged at your door with a little infant in my hands? We could have…"
"I don't know," she screams. "Because I'm stupid. That's why."
"Don't yell."
"I'm sorry."
"What do you want now?" intimidated, I ask, waiting for her to give the answer that will save us knowing there isn't one.
"I want us to…be together."
"It's too late."
"I know." She sighs exasperatedly. "Stop interrupting me."
I nod.
"Secretly." She takes a deep breath. "Just secretly."
"I'm seeing Stacy." Not an excuse, I know. But I need Stacy in my life. I need her around Sally. I need stability around Sally.
"Cheat on her," she says. "You said it yourself she's square in bed."
"No, Tee…no," I whisper, looking down at my hands. I shouldn't give in. I shouldn't surrender. I haven't even got the chance to tell Tegan about what Stacy wants. She's not going to like it.
Tegan begins to strip. I gasp. "I'm not doing anything, relax." She takes a deep breath and one piece of clothing is removed after the other. She stands there naked before me.
"Please don't."
She starts feeling herself, hands roaming up and down to feel each inch of skin. I try not to look but my heart and libido both betray my mind. She reaches for her breasts and I watch as she pinches both pierced nipples. My clit is pinched in response. I close my legs together and take a deep breath.
"I'm just gonna touch myself in front of you and you can do it in front of me, too." My ears hear her words and my vision takes in the view of her fingers playing with her clit and stroking her pussy. I love this scene and I'm hungry for it. "Remember what we used to say?"
I nod.
"No touching…," she says.
"No cheating," I continue, knowing too well the scheme she's following, caving in because being horny is worse than being drunk. I begin to strip to join her. She grins at me and her finger disappears in her moist cunt. She pushes in and slides out and I melt a little bit more with each push and pull.
"Pinch your cute nipples. They're so inviting."
We're playing this game again except we're not those shy girls in our dorm room anymore. We're old. Our bodies are old and different and both of us have breasts that we used to feed our baby. The baby we made. She birthed and I raised and fed. Our bodies don't look alike. They've never looked alike. Yet everyone saw the similarity and now I can see it, too. Now I can see how we're sisters.
I obey and pinch but I don't put much pressure.
"After breastfeeding the sensation is not the same," I say.
"How come?"
"It hurts if I pinch too much."
"Till now?"
"Yeah." I answer, moving my hand down to the hair on my mound; hair I wasn't used to grow years ago when I first met this woman.
"Maybe we should get you those nipple clamps to get you used to the pain again." I gasp against my will. Her triggering words make me pool on my hand. I rub my clit quickly, imagining what she could do to me instead of my hands. "You're so sexy. Push two fingers in that cunt."
She puts the rules and I comply, momentarily neglecting the original reason I am at her place, but not dismissing the numbing guilt that's thickening in the sinews of my heart.
I watch her as she fucks herself and she watches me as I fuck myself. She uses three fingers with her standing position, which makes me wonder if it is that easy for her now that she has given birth. I know I can't do it while standing because I'm tighter and it's uncomfortable, but it seems nice and pleasing to her. I watch as her breasts sway with each thrust, her eyes never closing once. I take a hold of my breast and squeeze. I want her lips wrapped around them, around my thumping clit, inside my wet cunt. I want to fuck her face or ride her dick. I want to rub my entire wetness against hers and just feel what I've been deprived of.
My screams of pleasure increase with every image. I wish I can push my fingers next to hers and feel that warmth I haven't felt a long time ago. I wish I can taste her juice. We are not touching, but we're definitely cheating so why can't I do that?
"I want you," I cry, reaching my orgasm. "I just want to fuck you badly."
She finally closes her eyes, and that's how I know she's cumming. It takes me a minute after to finally cum.
Once I do, I fall down on the cold floor and sob.
She starts getting dressed.
"Sara," she says calmly.
"I'm scared of you."
"Of me?" I nod, not sure if I should say what's on my mind. "Why?" She, then, sighs. "Not the same thing again?"
"I'm not sure if you'll change your mind again and just lash out. You might regret this and hurt me again." My sobs are heavier now, full of guilt and grief.
"Regret this?" She chuckles. I can feel her voice getting closer. I open my eyes to find her standing right there next to my seated position. "The only thing I regret is pushing you and Sally away." She sighs again and walks out of the living room and into the kitchen.
I take the time to get dressed quickly. Before unbuttoning my shirt, she walks back with wet hands and a wet face. She's also holding a glass of water in her hands. "Drink," she says.
I take the glass with shaking hands and sip quickly. She sits down next to me and elicits another exasperated sigh. I hand her the glass back and the sigh ends up being a chuckle. She smiles at me, though. I want to kiss her.
"That's not why I came here," I whisper, wiping more tears.
She doesn't respond immediately, so I say again. "I wanted to talk about something important."
She nods. "I'm sorry." One more sigh. "Please do talk about it."
"Sally."
"What's wrong with her?" She suddenly has all her focus and attention directed towards me.
"Nothing…I don't know how to say this."
"Sare, just say it." I sit up quickly and walk up to a different corner in the room. She doesn't understand why at first but when she finally absorbs my fear, she lowers her head and tears up. "Sara, I'm calm. Just talk about it."
"Stacy wants to adopt her, too," I blurt it out. She lifts up her head. Eyes are teary and cheeks are red. "She's been nagging for months now. I keep making up those excuses but she's starting to suspect something is wrong. We're having those issues because of my behavior."
"She's not her mum," Tegan yells. "She can't." She starts crying. "I am her mum."
"I know," I yell louder. "That's why I'm saying no."
"I don't want Stacy to be her mum."
"She already calls her mum."
"Break up with Stacy," Tegan says.
"No, Tegan," I respond. "She's the only sane and normal thing in Sally's life."
"Sally's my kid and I know what's best for her."
"Do you really?" I shout. I'm frustrated. I don't care if she hurts me anymore. "Remember when you decided to stop feeding her because you were angry? Remember when you almost made her choke on a candy? Or the time you left her in a room on her own while you were fucking some slut in the other bedroom? Remember those times?" Tegan's a good babysitter but she has made fatal mistakes, especially the last one with the girl she brought while my daughter was over. "I thought we agreed pretty clearly that Sally is my daughter, Tegan. She is mine. You said it when you pushed me away. You can't just get things back the way they were after three whole years now that this kid is conscious and aware that I am a mother, Stacy is, and you are just an aunt. I didn't do this. You did."
I can see her clenching her fists. I can sense the deep breaths she's taking. I take further steps away from her. I bump into the staircase, waiting for the pain to start. I search for my phone with my eyes, knowing it's on the coffee table where she is standing. I can't even call anyone if she approaches me.
"You want Stacy to be a mother with you, Sara," she comments. I don't move, I don't say a thing. "You want it yet you still want me and you still love me and you want to be in bed with me."
I nod, but I don't verbalize it.
"Then be with me secretly and let Stacy be the fake mother. The truth is bound to come out one day."
"What?" My breathing is getting back to normal. Maybe she doesn't want to hit me after all.
"Be with me. Sleep with me. Be my secret lover," she repeats. "Nobody has to ever know. At all. No one. Not even Emy. Just us. Cheat on her."
"Tee…"
"You want to."
"Tegan, I'm not a cheater."
"You really are." She smirks, reminding me of my past. "You even enjoy it."
"I don't want to hurt her."
"You're not. You're giving her what she wants so you should get what you want." Tegan does have a point. A strong one in fact. However, the way she thinks the truth will come out eventually scares me because if that's true then Stacy will know that I'm in love with my sister and Sally's not really my daughter. Stacy will leave me and kick me out of my job and I'll be miserable and sad and lonely with Tegan taking control of my life again. I don't want to be controlled. I want to be in control. I want to feel free.
I don't give Tegan a yes and I certainly don't tell her no, because who knows how she might react to that. I leave her proposition unanswered, requiring time to think about it. Yet, when I arrive to my place and find my baby with Stacy in bed, cuddled up together as the child sleeps and the older woman, with teary eyes, waits up for me to come back home, I make up my mind and swallow the swelling pain in my chest.
"I was worried," she says, voice cracked. "I thought you weren't coming back home tonight."
"No. I just visited Tegan for awhile." She nods, hands stroking Sally's hair. "Stacy," I call.
"Hmmm?"
"I think you're going to be an amazing mother to Sally. I mean you already are…but, you officially will be once we start the process."
She blinks at first, then she squints. Once she comprehends that I am not joking, she sits up with excitement and jubilation. "Really?" she shoots. Sally is beginning to stir. I smile and nod at her. "How?" I know what she means but I pretend like I don't understand it. "I mean what made you change your mind?"
"I just thought about it for awhile."
"It's Tegan, isn't it?" She grins. "You talked to her about it."
"Yeah," I mumble.
She nods happily. "So she thinks I should do it?" I nod. "Do you?"
"I do, Stace. I've always thought about it. I just needed to discuss it with someone, too. I know it should be our decision, but family is important to me, too. I mean my family. Tegan in particular has always been there since day one and she gets me." My lies are going to send me straight to hell. "I know she's not the best aunt, but she's not the worst at all."
"No, she's not." Stacy was so upset about the girl Tegan had in her house while Sally was there. She didn't talk to Tegan for days and, of course, Tegan did not care. Sonia, too, didn't approve of it and gave Tegan a hard time about it. As for me, I yelled and rebuked and cried and cursed but I just couldn't stop talking to Tegan. I pretended I was mad, but not for too long. "Thank you, Sara."
I can only smile and give her hand a squeeze. I can't even verbalize a word of love. All I can think of is sleeping with Tegan, being with her, finally being able to touch and be touched by her.
I am not a good person Sally. I've never been. See this image you had of me? It's fake. That's what truly happened and I had the chance to choose and I made my decision. I hurt those around me to be with the one I love. I don't regret it, but I do regret dragging Stacy with me. I'm as imperfect as Tegan is, so I hope you would accept her and me, whatever you want to do now. We're not forcing you anymore, we're just narrating our story.