Trigger Warning: mentions of death, suicide, and homicide.
Sara
I'm brushing Sally's hair when Stacy enters her bedroom with the syringe in her hand. She's in her bra and pajama pants. Her face is too pale and too skinny. The glitter in her eyes has faded. Dark circles cover them now. Her dark hair looks greasy in her ponytail. "Sara," she says, panting, "can you please help me with the injection? I'm dizzy."
"Just give me a second," I say, continuing my work. "We're gonna be so late." I huff angrily. Late for Tegan's Christmas gathering. Stacy is not even close to being ready. I am not as well.
"Your sister can wait, my medication cannot," Stacy exclaims, making Sally shudder.
"You're scaring my child," I scream back. "I'm sorry, baby." I kiss Sally's head, but she pushes me away. "You gotta learn how take these shots by yourself because it looks like we're gonna do this forever." IVF. We're doing reciprocal IVF. We're having another baby. She'll give me her eggs and I'll use my womb. That was the only reason I consented. I also felt bad. I've been cheating on her for awhile now and she's been crying day and night because she's going to remove her ovaries after this process is done. I had to do it. I also do want to carry. I want to feel it.
Tegan does not know, though. Nobody does. I don't know how I'll tell her. It's been hard. This is our third attempt. Stacy's just not producing as many eggs as necessary. The last time we tried it, the embryos didn't survive in my womb. It's hard for both of us but part of me just doesn't feel like it should happen. I wonder if I'm doing it for her or for myself or to get a sister to Sally.
I also thought about Sally and how lonely she would be if Pearl died. Pearl has spent more time in the hospital than at home this past year. Emy has ghosted all of us. She doesn't even want visitors. She only welcomes Tegan, but rarely. As for me, a phone call every other week does it. Sometimes I call and she doesn't pick up. Sometimes she texts me she's not in the mood to speak. I don't know why my best friend is rejecting me. I thought she knew about me and Tegan, but Tegan swore she hadn't told her. Sally has been lonely since then and I do think a sibling might help. I just don't know how Tegan will react when she knows.
I wish I had used my eggs and Tegan's womb instead of using Tegan's eggs. I hadn't thought about it. I hadn't thought we'd end up where we are today.
"This time it's going to work, I know it." She slams her fist against the wall and walks away. Her hormones are terrible and they're scaring Sally.
My daughter looks at me with a frown. "What's wrong with mummy?"
"She's a bit tired," I lie as I tie her hair from one side to finish the pigtail-look I'm giving her.
"Is she sick? Is this why she takes a lot of shots?"
"Yes," I lie again, taking a look at Sally's bangs, wetting my finger to fix the messy strands.
"Eww, mummy, no. Don't touch my hair with your spit."
I squeeze her cheeks between my fingers and kiss them. "You're the cutest. I can't handle you." She giggles and pushes me away.
She stands in front of the mirror to take one last look at herself. Satisfied, she nods. I fix her yellow sweater, pulling it down, but she pushes my hand again. "Sally, that's rude."
"I'm big. I know how to do it." She rolls her eyes at me as I laugh at her. She walks up to her closet to fetch her new sneakers. She sits on the floor to put them on.
"I've said don't sit on the floor when you wear your sneakers. There's a chair in here for a reason."
"Sorry, mum," she says, not a bit guilty. When she struggles with her shoelaces, I urge her to sit on the chair so I can tie them for her. For a four-year-old, she's so intelligent. Stacy has put her in mathematics club for young kids. She can do mental math better than me doing normal math. She can draw like a grownup. She also knows how to play the piano. Stacy's teaching her French and Spanish.
I guess that's why I owe her so much. She's been a better mum than me; a gift from the universe to raise my child while I fuck my sister. My guilt kills me sometimes, but I try not to overthink it.
When I'm done with Sally, she stands up confidently and speaks, "Go help mummy get better, please."
I stand up, impressed by her determined octave and piercing gaze. "Alright Ms. Sally Smith."
"I hope mummy gets better. I hate when she cries." She turns around to walk over to her mattress in order to collect her clothes and tidy the mess she has made. Stacy has taught her.
Sometimes I worry that my daughter does not project emotions. She seems strong all the times. Even when she's upset, she seems resilient and strong. She's not like me at all, but she's like her real mother. I suppose she has some of Jeremy's good genes as well. He's quite intelligent and witty and so is Sally. I am glad she's not as dependent as me. Stacy also helped. She helped a lot in fact.
And it all started on that day, my dearest Sally. It was that day that everything was revealed. I suppose each one of us had seen it coming. Stacy just knew in her heart. I felt it, too. Tegan strove to reveal it. You helped. Yes, even you. Without you running around, Stacy wouldn't have felt dizzy and wouldn't have searched the rooms to find me. Find me in a way she never thought she could ever witness.
I walk inside my bedroom to find my partner on the bed with her face in her hand. "I'm here," I declare, waiting for her to lift her face up. "Where's the syringe?" I ask, looking around on the mattress. She looks up at me with bloodshot eyes and gestures at the door. "Bathroom?" She nods. "Let's go."
I walk out of the bedroom and into the bathroom and she follows. "Where's Sally?" she asks.
"Coloring in her bedroom." Stacy stands up in front of me, waiting for me to do the tedious process.
"Did you take yours?" I nod. "Sure?"
"Yes, Stacy. Of course I did," I shout, taking a hold of her lower abdomen between my index and thumb so I can give her the shot. She closes her eyes while tears follow the injection and I'm not sure if they're tears of pain or it's because I yelled. "Why are you crying? I had to shout because you keep asking me the same stupid question."
"Because I feel like you don't want it, Sara," she says. She walks back to the bedroom and I follow suit.
"If I didn't want it, I wouldn't be doing it for the third fucking time. I wouldn't be fucking up my body and hormones for you."
"For me?" she questions with a raised brow.
"Yes?"
"What about you? Sally?" I hate how she takes everything out of context. She wasn't like that. When we first met, she was nice and smart. Now she overthinks every word I say and wants to know everything I'm thinking. Now she makes me feel like I am the Tegan and she's the Sara. And I don't feel good being the Tegan.
"Stacy," I say calmly, joining her on the mattress, "if you have something you're in doubt about, say it to me. I am tired of these little fights. I want things to be calm and normal. I'm doing everything for you." The more I speak, the harder she cries. "I don't know what else I can do. I'm suffocating in here. You wanted to be a mother to Sally, and I gave you that. You wanted to visit your father every summer break, and we're doing that. You wanted to be as present as I am in Sally's life and you have that. You wanted a baby and I'm trying to give you that even though you know too well how fucked up my body is. You know how much pain it might cause me." She just cries as I blabber and I don't know how to shut her up anymore. "And here you are crying without a single reason."
"I feel like…" She chokes up and hiccups instead of continuing.
"You feel like what? Say it."
She sniffles then continues, "I feel like you don't really love me. I feel like you don't want to be with me. You don't kiss me like you used to. We don't ever have sex anymore. The last time we had sex was eight months ago."
I look down at my socked feet and sigh. What she said is not true. Of course I do love Stacy. She's a good person. But I can't tell that good person that my soulmate is my sister and that my whole life is a lie. "Stacy, how can we have sex when we're trying this shit process? We've been trying for the past five months. When the process happens, we can't have sex at all and once we fail, you get depressed. Then we have to try again and we have to mutually menstruate for the injections and then we do the thing all over again and we can't have sex and so on."
She chuckles and rolls her eyes. "You don't show this type of heat and excitement seeing me naked anymore. You don't want to fuck me like you used to when you first met me." I fall down on the mattress and sigh frustratingly. "Are you cheating on me?"
"What…the…fuck?" My heart races despite my calm demeanor. I sit up again to look into her eyes and lie as perfectly as I've practiced. "Are you serious?"
"Are you?"
"We're trying to have a fucking baby and you're asking me if I'm cheating on you?"
"All I know is that when your partner is away half of the time and you don't know where they are and they give you terrible excuses like being at their sister's place it means they're cheating. Because you can't be at your sister's almost every day."
"Why can't I?" I say confidently, because the truth is at my sister is where I always am. I don't even lie about that. "I can't find some comfort and solace there? I can't let go of those horrible feelings there? I can't just relax?"
"Your sister's?" she asks with a mocking chuckle. "With Tegan who hates half of the world and makes fun of everything and everyone? She literally taught your daughter to say 'eat shit, mum' the other day so she could make fun of you in front of everyone." Yes, Tegan has those moments and I sometimes despise them but I understand her humor and it's nice most of the time. "And how do you explain that bright slutty lipstick on your collar from two weeks ago?"
I blink, trying to remember what she's talking about.
"You never even put lipstick. Who the hell kissed you or fucked you? And did you have sex with her when they put the embryo in you? Is this why it didn't work?"
"My God," I shout loudly. Too loud this time. Too loud that I immediately see Sally at the door, hiding half of her body and half of her face. "I don't even know what you're talking about."
Fucking Tegan had to play her weird sex fantasies that day. What was I thinking letting her kiss me with that whore makeup she's had? I am fucked.
"Just tell me who she is," she begs, crying.
"Sally?" I turn around and neglect her. Sally must not see this. "Honey, why don't you go back to your room? We're having a small conversation here."
"Mummy, are you okay?" Sally asks, but not me. Stacy nods despite the fountain of tears all over her face, trailing down to her chin.
"Sally," I say again, more sternly, "please go to your room."
"Okay," she says politely and leaves.
"I am not cheating on you. I really don't even remember how I got lipstick on that shirt. The only thing I can think of is you kissing me once and I haven't ever noticed to put it in the hamper. You use lipsticks and nobody else that I know uses them. And if I cheated, I would really do a better job hiding my shit." I walk up to the closet to grab some clothes for me. "I'm gonna take a shower. Please be ready by the time I'm done because we're going to be too fucking late."
But it doesn't end right there. She follows me to the bathroom after a minute. She joins me in the tub and looks me in the eyes, trying her best to get the truth out of me.
"You left the kid alone?"
"She won't do anything."
I turn around to grab the shampoo. I don't want to face her and she understands it because she resumes her cries immediately.
"Stacy, please."
"I just don't get it," she whispers.
"I don't get why you're trying to make me seem like a cheater when I did nothing but be a good partner to you." Because I probably sound like one. Because I am one and she has the ability to tell. I wonder if I'd be able to tell if I were in her shoes.
"Look, Sara," she says, taking a hold of the shampoo bottle. I turn around to face her, "I'm going to give you a chance to stop cheating on me because I do care about this family. If you don't want to be in here or with me, please tell me."
I rinse my hair off quickly and leave the tub with one final lie, "I'm not cheating."
How do they know?
We arrive late and Tegan doesn't stop her nagging about how late we are.
"Seriously, guys?" she says loudly. "We're hungry."
"Is everything alright?" Sonia asks me, staring at both Stacy and me.
"Yeah. We just woke up late and had a lot of work and cleaning to do around the house. All of us showered and it took us…"
"It's Christmas!" Tegan huffs.
"Tegan, I'll give you a hand," Stacy says. She walks away to the kitchen. She better not ask her about me or the cheating part.
"Is your girlfriend okay?" Sonia asks when I sit down. Sally sits next to me.
"She is," I say. Sally looks at me without any words. How smart is this child? She's trying to make me feel guilty for yelling. She doesn't even want to expose me. I pick her up and put her on my lap, kissing her ruddy cheek. "Are you okay, Snowball?" I ask, kissing her other cheek.
Sonia laughs and takes a picture of us with her phone.
"Yes," Sally says. "I'm hungry."
"Food will be ready soon," Sonia answers. "Your mums are naughty for being so late, right?"
"No," Sally says. She rolls her eyes at her grandmother.
"Oh."
"Sally," I whisper.
"They had important grownup conversation," Sally explains.
Sonia raises one eyebrow, clearly impressed with my daughter's dialect. "They did?"
"Mhm." She hops down and heads towards the kitchen.
"This kid is…"
"Smart," I interrupt. "Very smart." I sigh.
"It scares you?"
"Of course it does." I shrug. "What if…" Sonia shushes me when she hears footsteps. They're Tegan's. Our eyes meet and I understand the signal in them. "Excuse me, Sonia." She nods.
I walk up to Tegan. She finishes adjusting the casserole on the dining table before she whispers, "What's wrong with your bitch?"
"She's just moody."
"She started crying and excused herself to the bathroom."
"We had a little fight." Tegan chuckles. This is not the first time.
"About what now?"
"I'll tell you later," I say. "Where's Sally?"
"With Stacy in the kitchen. She's back from her drama break."
Sonia steers the conversation as we eat our dinner. She tells Sally about the amount of gifts Santa has gotten her and that they would open them after dinner.
My kid leaves her food and looks at me for awhile. "Mum?" she asks.
"Yes, Snowball," I answer. "Is everything okay?"
"I heard Santa Clause is not real." The sound of spoons and forks meeting porcelain plates halts and chewing mouths stop. Everyone in the room stares at Sally as she reaches this conclusion on her own.
"Where did you hear it from?" I ask carefully.
She takes a little while to think then hums. "I didn't hear it. I just think it." Tegan almost chokes on her water and Sonia hurries up to pat her back.
"Oh my God," Tegan wheezes. "I'm sorry." Her eyes are teary because of the coughing.
"How can a man fly and give people gifts? I know you buy the gifts." She grabs her fork again to take a bite of her chicken. "And both you and mummy should be on the naughty list this year so how come you got gifts?"
I close my eyes as embarrassment fills up my body. I take a look at Stacy opposite from me and she has her eyes down on her plate. Her cheeks and chest are red.
"I also saw mummy buying you everything you got today and I saw you buying her everything she got." Sally giggles, pointing towards both of us. "So Santa Clause isn't real. You lie to me so I can do chores."
"Wow," Tegan says. She must be proud. Her daughter is the smartest toddler she has ever seen. I can see how amazed she is by that look in her eyes. She reaches Sally's cheek to pinch it, but Sally pushes her hand away. "You're so smart."
"Don't pinch me, Teetee. It hurts."
"Okay, okay." She leans in to give her a kiss on the cheek she just pinched. We smile at one another faintly. Sonia stares at Stacy with worried glances. Stacy, meanwhile, is looking down at her plate.
When we finish our food, Sonia and Tegan shower Sally with many presents. She is more hyped than I've ever seen her. The amount of jumping and singing she does makes everyone a little dizzy. Stacy, on the other hand, doesn't seem alright. I haven't seen her smiling since Sally joked about not letting us play with her presents.
"I'm going to use the bathroom," I excuse myself loudly and go upstairs. The last thing I hear is Tegan asking Sally to sit down so she can bring the desserts. However, when I leave the bathroom, I meet Tegan at the door. "Hi," I whisper as she smiles at me cunningly. "Tee."
"Come with me." She pulls my hand and drags me to her bedroom. She closes the door, pushes me on the mattress and kisses me. I resist at first until I feel her hand all over my body, soothing the stress I'm in. I close my eyes and cave in, letting the kiss take me to farther places of euphoria and bliss. Soon I feel her hand on my jeans, rubbing the clothed skin until she reaches my crotch. A giggle escapes her lungs and our lips are parted. "Old lady diapers. You're perioding!"
"Shut up," I say with laughter. "They're pads. Get used to them already. You've known me since ever."
"I could've rubbed you right now if you had a tampon." She kisses my jaw.
I can't do that anyway. "We can't. Mum's visiting, Tegan. Behave." She continues her kisses, clearly not caring. "My girlfriend's there and our kid."
"Our kid!"
"Yes, our kid." She nods, adding another kiss. This time on my neck. "That's what I said."
"I thought you meant yours and hers." She sighs. "What's wrong with her anyway? She seems so…"
"We've fought." Tegan's unbuttoning my plaid shirt right now.
"Why?" Why does she care?
"She thinks I'm cheating," I say in a timid whisper as she reveals my pale skin and sports bra. "How ridiculous!"
She stops her handwork and stares at me for a second. A chuckle leaves her plump lips.
"What?"
She shrugs. "You are…kinda cheating. I'm asking you to break up with her already and you just…" Tegan sighs. She knows if we get into this whirlwind, we'll never leave. She knows Stacy's presence in Sally's life is better than our separation for her. She knows that as much as she likes to hate Stacy, she cannot deny she has been a better mother to our daughter than we are. "Why does she think so anyway?"
"Remember when you played a horny whore the other day when you saw me in that new suit and wanted to act as a school girl and I'm the teach…" She shushes me with a finger against my lips as she bursts in laughter. Her cheeks are on fire and her ears are as red as a delicious rose. "Yeah, you left lipstick on my collar."
"I'm sorry," she says as she cackles. Her head is on my chest now.
"We haven't slept together in eight months," I admit again. She lifts up her face with gleaming triumphant eyes. "Be happy."
"Wow, I must be really good in bed because I know that you're really sexual." I grab her face to give her a kiss. "I'm winning this."
"It's like I'm cheating on you with her not the opposite." I think we should go down. I think everyone's wondering. I think we shouldn't be here in this state. I think we will be busted.
I only think that because we are busted and I can't tell my mind to stop kissing her and focus on the woman staring at me with wide eyes. She's just standing right there and it's like I can't see her. I can't get up or speak. I freeze in my place as she freezes more and more, part of me thinking she's dying or her brain isn't working.
The one panicking, though, is my sister. She gets up quickly and stares at both of us burning holes into each other's foreheads. I'm here with an unbuttoned shirt and she's fully clothed with icy eyes and white lips. I don't know how much she's heard, but what I know is that I need to act fast before she loses it. I need to do something before she explodes. I don't want Sally to see this. I don't want Sonia to see this. Nobody should see this. Nobody was supposed to see this.
Tegan's faster than me. She runs to the door and closes it immediately.
"Shhhhh…shhhhh," she says loudly as Stacy begins to lose herself to realization. "Don't yell. Don't make a sound. Sally can't know about this. Stacy…" I'm buttoning my shirt as I watch this woman fall and break before my eyes. She's shaking with tears and disgust. "Stacy, you don't get it. There's a…there's a story behind…"
She pushes Tegan away and walks up to me. "You motherfucking animal," she screams. "You're sick. You're fucking sick. You're sick. You're disgusting. You're sick…why? Why?" She attempts to push me but Tegan stops her.
"Don't touch her," Tegan shouts. "Don't." She shakes her head but Stacy spits at my sister. Here, I am afraid Tegan might lose it and hurt Stacy physically, but she stays calm as Stacy tries to get out of her grip, repeating the word why dozens of times.
"You have to shut up to know why," Tegan screams. I corner myself, not able to speak or say anything. I don't know who to look at and what to say. Tegan's handling this way better and I just feel like I am an actual sick animal right now. And the frantic knocks on the door don't help at all. I know my mum and my daughter are out there wondering and worrying. Sally's going to be scarred for life. Sally will not recover.
"Mum, we have to deal with this. Please take Sally and go downstairs. Please, mum," Tegan says loudly. "Stacy, please calm down. Sally cannot know about this."
Stacy looks at me instead. "Your sister? Really?" Her sobs are loud and heartbreaking. I know that even Tegan feels the pain she's in. "What about the IVF? What about the medication? Why did you do this to me? God, I knew it. I knew something was going on. I've always known."
"What IVF?" Tegan looks at me. I don't respond. I don't think I can speak anymore. I think if I did, I might stutter as badly as I've done before. "What IVF?" she repeats, this time looking at Stacy.
Stacy loses it though. She screams as loud as I've heard a human scream and throws the lamp on the nightstand right at the opposite wall, right where I'm standing. "All the fucking money I've paid to have a baby with you. All the shit I've done. Everything I've done. I've paid thousands, you motherfucker."
Not even Tegan can deal with this blow. She's just standing there with wide eyes as Stacy turns into someone I never thought I'd meet. I get up quickly and leave the room. I don't know what to do and I can't face this or face her or face anyone. I can't stay here. My whole existence has been a mistake. I've never done anything right. Everything I do harms people. I think Stacy's going to hurt herself because of me and I can't stand to watch this happening. I should have broken up with her when I started sleeping with Tegan. But I couldn't. I really couldn't because I love having her in my life. She's the sense of comfort and order. I lost her. I lost that. I lose everything because of my sick needs and my whims and my selfishness and my love.
Fuck you, Tegan. If you didn't kick me out of your life five years ago, we wouldn't be here.
I take Tegan's keys as my mother showers me with questions and my daughter looks at me horrifically. I leave the house without a jacket, without a wallet, and without a phone. I take Tegan's car and drive as far as I can to nowhere. I want to be nowhere. I want to go nowhere.
….
Sally
While I'm sitting on the couch and weeping silently, I hear my two mothers chatting on the phone. I refuse to speak to Sara. I don't think I can do it after this letter. It burned my heart and I can't even finish reading the rest.
"If I were you, I wouldn't add that, Sara. If you're trying to convince her to see you, you don't add the shit you've done."
"She has to know everything that happened, Stacy," my mother answers calmly. "I'm not going to lie to her. I've hurt you and everyone knows that. She has to know it, too." We exchange glances but I immediately avert my gaze and continue crying on my own. "I'm sorry, Sally. That's what happened. Tegan and I are just narrating our stories and I did mention I wasn't the angel in this."
"Nobody is," Stacy says. When is she going to stop defending Sara? My God, she'll never love you, idiot. She will never be with you. Look at yourself! So lonely and miserable and lifeless. You didn't even earn the right to be half a lover like Emy did.
"I just don't get why I was born to two sick mothers who hurt everyone for the sake of their disgusting happiness," I say.
"Sally," Stacy scolds.
"It's fine," my mum says. "I'm sorry, Sally. We didn't know we were sick when we planned you." Stacy sighs. "I have to go." She's clearly pissed and I don't want to hurt her but she hurt me and hurt everyone I love, too.
"Did you have to say that? Weren't you cussing Tegan the other day? Now her?"
"Because I discover something new every day." I sit up slowly. "Can I put my head on your lap?"
"Of course you can," she answers happily.
"I don't get why you defend her when she hurt you this much." She begins stroking my hair. "I just don't get how lovers forgive and live with the pain."
"She gave me you," Stacy says. "She kept you for me to share. How can I hate her? You were never mine to begin with."
"So it's just that?" I look up at her, a smirk on my face. "Admit you're still in love with her."
"When did I ever deny that?" How upsetting is that. "But it's fine." No, it isn't. "We don't always get what we want." This is heartbreaking.
"What made you go into that room?"
"You," she answers softly.
"Me?"
"Yes. You were giving me a really hard time and I was not feeling alright."
"I'm sorry." Maybe it's just all my fault. If I weren't here, they wouldn't be here, too.
"Why? You revealed the truth to me." She laughs. "You kept running around and I was trying to get you to sit down but you didn't really listen. I noticed that Sara took a long time and I felt myself getting very dizzy. I started searching for Sara to help me and then I just got in the room and Tegan was on top of her. They were kissing and she was…kinda…you read it." She sighs.
"I haven't had sex ever," I randomly admit. She stays silent, surprised by my revelation. "She didn't give me space to sneak around or come late or be around people. Remember that one time she suspected I'm sleeping with this guy and she completely lost it?" Stacy laughs, remembering clearly how crazy my mother had gotten that day. "God, she almost got me on the pill and she made Tegan interrogate me the next day."
"I know," Stacy says. "She was scared you would end up like…"
"Like my biological mother." She nods. "She did tell you that?"
"She used to tell me everything." I meet her eyes again. I find her smile. "We remained friends, Sally. You know that."
"How did it happen?"
"Why don't you read and find out? They really want you to read it." She leans in to kiss my forehead. "Come on. Get up and read the rest. Or take a shower because you stink…or do anything else. I have to go cook dinner."
"Fine, mum," I answer with a sigh. "I'm gonna take a shower then continue reading."
…
Tegan
I never thought it would come to this. As much as I wanted Sara and Stacy to break up, I never wanted it to be like this. I also never thought I'd be the strongest in such situations. Sara simply left. She ran away because she couldn't face her girlfriend or mum or anyone. She took my car and left. She left her phone and wallet and now I'm worried sick she might do something terrible.
Stacy's crying on the floor. I have to explain this to my mum because I know she's worried and she should try to distract Sally.
"She found out," I whisper.
"I got this part, but…how?" I look down at my daughter, staring at me with wide blue eyes trying to grasp the reality of the situation.
"Later," I whisper. "Sally?"
"Yes," she answers.
"I want to tell you something but I want you to be a big girl about it." She nods without not a single facial expression that can deliver her feelings to me.
I kneel down and sit on my knees. I put my hands on her shoulders and look her in the eyes. "I'm sorry this happened."
"What happened?" she asks. I look up at my mother and then at my daughter. "Is mummy going to die?" I see the hint of fear in her trembling lips, but nothing else. Not a tear, not a frown.
"No, babe." I smile a little. "Your mums are both alright."
"No. Mummy's sick. Mum told me so this morning. She takes a lot of needles."
The IVF. The fucking IVF that Sara hasn't told anyone about.
"Yes, she's a bit tired but she's not going to die." How does she even know what death is?
Sally nods.
"It's just that sometimes grownups have arguments and sometimes they yell at each other. Sometimes they fight like kids do." She nods again. "Your mothers kinda did fight a little bit and I'm going to…" Going to what? Help them make up? Hell no. Help Sara? Stacy? I don't know what I'm doing but I just don't want to see my daughter heartbroken. It would kill me. "I'm going to help them make the problem go away." I smile at her.
"What's the problem?" Please don't ask me more questions.
"It's…" I get interrupted by Stacy rushing downstairs. She grabs her bag and leaves as quickly as she can.
"Mum, watch Sally." I say quickly, following Stacy outside.
She's in her car, ready to leave. I get in before she can and put my hand on the steering wheel. "Get out of the car," I say shortly.
"Tegan, get out of the fucking car before I do something bad…"
"You're not driving like this."
"Leave me alone," she screams in my face and spits on me again. "Disgusting. You're disgusting. I hate you."
This is the second time and I'm trying my best not to hurt her because I know what she's seen is enough. But I can't, so I spit at her, too. "Fuck you," I scream. "Is this nice to you? Do I look like some trashcan to you?"
"Yes," she shouts. "Leave me alone."
"Where do you wanna go?" I get a grip of her hands and cage her wrists tightly in mine. "You can't drive like this."
"Why do you care?"
"Get out of the car and let me explain everything to you." I care because I don't want Sally's life to turn into living hell.
"I wanna go home. I want to go to my place," she says with sobs and tears and sniffles.
"Then get out and let me drive you there."
Thankfully she listens to me. Now I have only one person to worry about. The thing is, with Sara's history, I know she might hurt herself. I'm so scared right now. I don't want her to do anything stupid and I don't know what she could be doing. I dial up my mother as Stacy weeps next to me.
"Please tell me if she comes back," I tell my mother. "She didn't take her phone and I'm really worried."
"If she didn't come back in few hours, Tegan, I think we should call the cops or something." No. God, no. She's not stupid. She's better than this. She has Sally; she's not gonna hurt herself. Maybe she's at Stacy's place? Maybe she just needs time on her own to think? Fucking Sara.
"Okay." I take a deep breath and continue, "Distract Sally as much as you can, please. Don't let her feel like it's a big issue. Tell her that her mums are together to work on their problem or something. Tell her I'm helping them."
As soon as I'm parked outside Stacy's house, she leaves the car and rushes in. I follow quickly but I can't do anything else when she starts breaking every picture of her and Sara in the house. The funny thing is she doesn't touch the ones that have Sally in them. I remain silent to let her release her anger because I did worse than this when I found out that Sara and I are sisters. She goes upstairs and I follow to the bedroom. She opens the closet and begins throwing Sara's clothes all over the floor. She breaks or throws everything that Sara owns.
Then we move to the bathroom and that's where I find all the syringes and medications for the IVF. She begins throwing all of them. Kicks the wall once, twice, a third time until she hurts her feet and cries more because of the pain. I look at the floor with the medication all over it. I look at her on the bathroom floor with all her dreams gone to waste like mine have once been. I sit next to her, wondering why Sara would start IVF with her when she's not in a stable relationship. I guess Sara does love her. Why would Sara love her? Why does Sara love a lot of people? Why can't she just choose me and love me? She loves Emy, she loves Stacy and she loves me. It's always been like this. She can't just love one person. She has to love multiple women and I guess that was sort of our problem at the beginning when we first met. And why can't I just love someone else? I would have let her be. I wouldn't have chased her. I would have given her the life she wished to have and stayed far away. I know she would have been happy to start a new life with Stacy. She was happy until I showed up in her life again and fucked it all over. Now I just fucked it for my daughter when I promised myself I wouldn't be the one to cause that pain that my mother caused me. Now Sally's going to suffer like I did.
"Stacy?"
"I hate you."
"You have to know the truth."
"I saw it."
"You saw nothing."
"We were doing reciprocal IVF. Why did she do this to me?"
Reciprocal IVF? Wow. Fucking Sara. She probably said yes so she could be the one carrying.
"How long?"
"Five months. We've tried two times and this is our third round." More disturbing voices leave her lungs. "And now it's all gone for me. It's all gone. I really thought she loved me. I knew she was acting differently but…why with your sister? Out of all people? How long has this been going on?"
"Since 2004," I answer honestly.
"What?" She looks up at me with parted lips.
"Yes. Since 2004 when we didn't even know we were sisters." I get up and sigh. "Come on. Get out of here. I'll tell you the whole story."
It takes me about half an hour to calm her down. Once she's in her own bed, I go down to get her and myself some coffee. When I return to her bedroom I see her crying again.
"My heart can't take it," she weeps. "She killed me. You killed me." God, she's dramatic.
Silently, though, I hand her the coffee mug but her hands are too shaky and she spills it on the white sheets.
"Fuck," she screams and throws the cup across the room. The hot liquid stains the floor, the walls, and her bed.
"Do you have any sedatives in here?" I ask. "You need to calm down."
"I'm calm," she shouts.
"You're not," I shout back. "Look what you've done." I point at the coffee spots and the broken pieces of the mug all over the floor. She hiccups and sniffles.
"Just tell me the truth."
"I can't tell you a thing when you're like this. What you're about to hear isn't normal and it doesn't happen to normal people."
"No shit, Tegan," she exclaims. "Two sisters fucking, as if I didn't know."
"We didn't know we were sisters," I say, defending myself as if I don't know I am Sara's sister now. I don't know why I'm so scared of Stacy. I should just tell her.
I begin from the very first day we've met, adding details of my feelings and Sara's feelings. I justify our actions and moves as if Stacy's the judge I'm trying to convince that I am innocent. I never thought I'd sit next to the woman I despise and envy so much to prove to her that my relationship with my sister isn't the disgusting crime she perceives. I guess I just don't want her to see Sally as an outcome of a repulsive mistake. I want her to still love Sally even though I want her to understand Sally's not hers. But Sally won't understand this now, and I understand that now I have to put up with this until the day I can tell Sally the truth.
"Sally's…" her lips tremble as she speaks. "She's not…I mean…"
"Sally's mine," I whisper, "she's not Sara's." Her eyes are wide with the horrific realization. "I mean…ours. Supposedly ours but….she found out when I was pregnant."
"Sally's yours," she repeats, rocking back and forth on the mattress. "But Sara fed her. I saw it. Sara breastfed her and….that's why there were never any pictures of her pregnant?" After calming down, her tears resume, but they're silent this time; defeated.
I don't know why I do it but my instinct drives me to hold her hand. Is it the mother in me or the defeated clueless woman I'd been when I found out? I narrate to her how I found out and how Sara found out and what I did to Sara that day. I tell her everything I told Sara and everything that happened afterwards. I tell her how cruel I had been. I tell her about the pain I felt. I cry and narrate. She cries along when I reach the part that she's in. I answer all the gaps in her head: why Sara breastfed, why Sara couldn't, how Sara breastfed, and how she couldn't. I remind her of the time I had milk stains all over my top and I was so mean to Sara that day. I explain to her every secret she hadn't been aware of until I reach the time Sara and I surrendered to our feelings and needs.
She lets go of my hand and cries softly into her pillow. She moves her hand and touches her lower abdomen. I let her cry and check my phone, hoping a message from Sara can be found. I find nothing at all. Not even a message from my mum. This is not right. I have to check on Sally.
"Why does she want to have a baby with me when she doesn't love me?" Stacy takes me away from my thoughts as she wonders loudly. "She injected me today and injected herself. Last time we've done it she miscarried in the fourth week."
"She did?" How comes she didn't tell me?
"Yeah," Stacy whispers. "She woke up bleeding. That's when…when I called you to babysit Sally. I told you Sara and I had a lot of work." I remember that. It was two months ago.
"Was it bad?" Sara never showed it.
Stacy nods. "At least for me." She shrugs. "It was the second round and I was giving up. The first time my eggs didn't get fertilized and I barely produced any to begin with."
"Was she hurt?"
"No," Stacy answers. "She cried a little bit."
"She did?" Sara must want this child.
"Yes. But not as much as I did."
"So she wants the baby."
"She wants to carry. That's what she wants." Stacy sits up. "Now it's over." She looks at me. "All the money I've paid and everything I've done for her to get this child…it's all gone to waste."
"You wanted it, too," I say. "You wanted Sally for you and you have no idea how hard that was for me. Watching Sally call you mum and love you and want you is like a knife that keeps on stabbing me without a break."
"I didn't know she was yours," Stacy shoots. "I just wanted to be a good parent to her. I wanted to have a nice family and help Sara."
"You don't want that anymore?"
"Tegan, if Sally's going to be taken from me, I might as well end my li…"
"Don't go there," I shout. "Do you think suicide is a joke?"
"I can't let go of her. She's my kid. You can't take her. Sara can't take her from me."
"She's not your kid," I correct her. "But she doesn't know that and doesn't need to know it now."
She starts crying again.
"You know, I don't even think Sara will leave you. She loves you. She's just like that. She loves multiple people at the same time. It's who she is."
"Loves me but sleeps with you." She chuckles sarcastically. "I don't want this love. I don't want a cheater in my house. I don't want a person that tricked me all those years in my place."
"Oh really, you wanted the truth back then? You really think you wanted to know it?"
"I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be stuck. I wouldn't be so attached and so in love."
My phone rings and I pick up immediately, hoping I can get some news about Sara.
"Yes, mum?"
"Tegan, Sally wants to talk to Stacy."
"Oh…umm…is Sara?"
"It's urgent," mum says.
"Okay." I put the telephone on speaker so I can hear what my daughter wants to say. "Sally," I mumble to Stacy.
"Mummy," Stacy says in obvious distress, "come back."
"Baby," Stacy begins, "is everything alright? I'll be back soon."
"It's…" She pauses. "I want to go to the bathroom," she says in a whisper.
"Oh." I can't help but smile. "Tell grandma to take you."
"No," she whines. "No. I want you."
"Why, Sally? She's your grandma."
"No." Sally's voice begins to crack. "Mummy, please."
"Is it number one or number two?"
A pause.
"Sally?"
"Both," she admits.
"Okay." Stacy sighs. "I…can you hold it till I come back? Can grandma drive…"
"She doesn't have a car. I can go and help her. I can pick her up."
"Is it okay if Teetee comes to you?" I always take Sally to the bathroom. She never says no.
"Yes," she says quickly. "But hurry."
I get up immediately and Stacy gets up with me. "Stay here," I tell her. "In case Sara comes back."
"I might kill her if she…"
"I told you not to joke about this…"
"You're the last person who should be talking…"
I turn around and look her in the eyes. "Look, Stacy, I told you about my past because I want to trust that the woman taking care of my daughter will understand my situation not because I feel sorry for you or love you so do not make me regret it. You're smarter than this so act like it." I don't get to continue my preaching before she faints. "Fuck, Stacy." I catch her quickly. "I can't hold you." I try to drag her to the mattress but she's too heavy. "Wake up," I say. "Stacy, wake up." Not the right time. God, not the right time.
I hurry up to the bathroom to scoop some water. I rub her face with it as she regains consciousness. "You're so dramatic, Stacy," I tell her.
"I'm so dizzy." She holds her head and cries. I can't leave her here. I don't even know if she's acting or she's that tired.
I dial up my mum again, hoping I can convince Sally to let mum get her to the bathroom. "Mum…"
"Tegan, don't come," she says right away.
"Why? Is everything okay?"
"Sara just came back and took her to the bathroom."
"Oh, thank God." I look down at Stacy holding her head. "Sara came back," I whisper. Her eyes open a little bit. She moves her lips to speak but says nothing.
"Mum, tell Sara to come here. She has to come here."
"I know." Silence. "I will."
"Can I talk to her?"
"She's with Sally upstairs. I'll tell her to call you. I just need her to calm down. She hasn't stopped crying since she arrived."
"Did she tell you?"
"No." This is gonna be disastrous.
I get Stacy something to eat but she refuses to put anything in her mouth. "Eat this; you're dizzy." I offer the apple again but she pushes it away. "Fuck, Stacy, act like a grownup."
"I don't wanna eat anything," she screams at me.
"Suit yourself."
I get up again to clean the mess she's made with the coffee. "You know, if my uterus prolapses again you're paying for the surgery."
"I'm sorry," she says, sniffling.
"You were too heavy," I comment. "God, look at this mess." I sigh as I clean and wipe the floor. She stares at me without uttering a word and I know she's preserving her anger for when Sara comes so she can attack her properly.
I go down to the kitchen to get rid of the broken pieces of the coffee cup. I dial up Sara, hoping to God she'd answer.
"Hey," she whispers. Her voice is bad. She's crying or was crying.
"Oh, thank God." I take a deep breath and continue, "You should come here and talk it out with her. You really should. You owe me for babysitting your crazy girlfriend."
"What did she do?"
"She broke everything you own…literally everything. Your clothes are all over the floor. She threw all the IVF medication away. She trashed the room…"
"I don't know what to do, Tegan." Her voice breaks again so I guess now she's actually crying. "I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want her to know it this way."
"Well, it did," I say. "And I told her about everything. She knows everything right now but it's your turn to speak to her. Come here. Get Sally so she can calm down and not attack you when you show up."
"Sally shouldn't witness this," she whispers.
"She's going to because Stacy doesn't want you in her life but wants Sally that means you have to find a solution for this mess you put yourself and my daughter in…"
"My daughter," she corrects. "Mine."
"Mine," I say again.
"She's mine. You didn't want her to be yours, remember?"
"Are we really going to fight over this right now when you have a dramatic girlfriend with our truth alone?"
"I'll drive your car to her place…but you can't leave me alone with her."
"I'm not going to." Am I really doing this? Trying to fix their problem? Am I even involved? Am I the cause of it or just a third party? "She also fainted or pretended to so I'm not sure how her mental state is but please be careful."
"Again?" Sara sighs.
"When did she faint as well?"
"Last night," Sara says. "I guess it's because she hasn't eaten a proper meal in three days."
"Yeah, she didn't even eat well at dinner and I offered an apple but she didn't take it. I've done everything I can so please come home and deal with her."
I face Stacy in her bedroom. We stare at each other for awhile without any conversation or will to start one. She closes her eyes for a bit, making me think she's falling asleep but the harder I focus the clearer it becomes her lips are turning paler and paler by the second and her breath is getting heavier. Her head begins to fall down on the mattress slowly, making me realize she's fainting again, this time while sitting.
"This is terrible," I say as I force some salt between her lips. She whines at the taste. "Put up with it you probably have really low blood pressure."
We hear the door open from downstairs. Though she barely has any energy to get up, her eyes pop open when she hears Sally's voice calling her. "I want you to calm down for the sake of this child."
"Mummy," Sally shouts and runs up to her to give her a hug. She throws herself in her arms, a scene that makes me sink down in my misery. I look at the door to watch my sister standing there with the shadow of our repulsive truth following her. Her eyes are horribly swollen and her nose is red. "Are you okay?" Sally says again, making me look at the encounter once again. My daughter's worried eyes are searching for the pain in Stacy's face. She pushes her head in her chest and holds her tightly. "I love you, mummy." Stacy's eyes meet mine and though they have lost Sara, they are declaring their victory of the ownership over my own daughter. I can't get what I want and I never will.