Sara
I close the door of Stacy's bedroom leaving me and Stacy alone inside while Tegan and Sally stay outside. I take slow and careful steps to the mattress, shivering because of the frozen weather I had to endure earlier. I sit on the edge cautiously, not exactly knowing what to say. Tegan has said everything there needs to be said. I have no words left to verbalize. I'm scared if I say something I receive another angry scream. I take a look at my surroundings, searching for possible tools she might use to hit me with.
I know she's waiting for me. Her silent tears haven't stopped, nor have mine. I hear a sniffle every now and then but the loud weeping has stopped. I fold my arms against my chest and speak, "I'm sorry." The whisper does not make her stir or blink or budge. "I'm truly sorry."
"Why?" She wipes her nose and repeats, "why?"
"I love her," I speak. "I've always loved her. I know I am a terrible human but I really tried my best to be good to you. I swear I've tried."
"Why didn't you leave me? Why didn't you spare me this heartbreak?"
I go back to my previous pathetic sniveling. "Because I can't live without you in my life. Sally can't live without you, too."
"You can't live without me?" she scoffs. "Come up with a better lie, please."
"I'm not lying," I exclaim. "You're the sense of security and comfort in my life. You gave me the life I dreamed of."
"The job, the money, made you feel important, and I almost gave you the baby you've always wanted to carry."
"It's not that."
"Then what?" she shouts loudly. "Tell me what? What is it you can't live without? Because it seems you can't live without her, not me."
"I was broken before I met you," I admit. "You restored my lost confidence and you gave me hope in relationships. I love Tegan and I can't live without her but she fucked me up. She destroyed me. She fucked my health and personality."
"Yet you still go back to her after everything she's done to you, after knowing she's you sister."
"Because I can't control whom I love, Stacy," I interject. "I can't. She's my soulmate. She'll always be. I love you and I love her and I love Emy. That's who I am. She understands it. Why can't you?"
"Because that's sick, Sara. That's not normal. You don't love us. You lust over us. You lust over the fact we mean something to you. You get attached that's what you do." Maybe she's right. Maybe Emy means youth for me and Stacy means order and safety. "You only love her. To you I'm a mother who shares the burden. I make things right for you and Sally. You get to be the independent woman you dreamed to be. You get to order around and boss me because she's never let you do that before."
"Yes. I do appreciate your motherhood to Sally and I admit that without you I wouldn't have this neatly organized and confident child."
"I just don't get why you're making another baby with me when you can't even bear to kiss me." I bite my lower lip harshly, fighting the heavy tears of knowing everything is going to be taken away from me. Everything I cherished dearly and worked hard to maintain is now gone because I am lustful, selfish, and stupid. "Is it an attempt at pissing her off? Do you just want to carry and I was the easy option you found?"
"I don't want to piss anyone off," I say. "I just wanted a baby for me because…" I hiccup, not able to continue. She raises her eyebrows. "Because I always felt like she's going to take Sally away from me. Do you know that she wants to tell her she's her mother when she's old enough? I can't imagine that…"
"You know what you're doing?" she interrupts with a strong voice. I stutter, attempting to speak but she interrupts again, "You're trying to put the blame entirely on her, which is very hypocritical of you because I bet if she's here right now you wouldn't say half of the shit you're saying. You know why her love is honest and pure and yours isn't? Because all that time she was telling me your story she did not trash you once. She trashed herself and criticized everyone but you, yet here you are trying to shit on her so you can keep me here; a hostage in your life."
"I'm telling the truth," I say with gritted teeth. "I'm not making anyone feel bad. You don't fucking live in my head or my heart to know if my love is pure or not. You haven't experienced half of my pain."
She nods even though I know she doesn't care about my words. "What do you want now?"
"I want us to stay together."
She laughs. Her laughter is endless and full of mockery. "Go to hell."
"Stacy, I want this family to stay the way it is. I want to keep trying having this child."
"I don't want that," she screams. "I don't want a fucking cheater in my life. I don't want a sister-fucker."
I open my mouth to threaten her that if she doesn't stay with me she doesn't get to see Sally, but I don't. Only Sally will be harmed in this calamity. I'm not like this. I'm not mean. I'm not Tegan. "You want us to break the union?" She nods. "What about Sally? What about the baby you needed?"
"I can't live with a person who loves someone else even if I love them. I won't be able to live with you knowing you're fucking her every chance you get." I don't even think Tegan will love it if I stay with Stacy and her at the same time. Tegan doesn't run on polygamy like me. "I want a shared custody of Sally."
I nod silently. "Okay." I get up, not exactly able to know what to do or where to start. "We have to sit with Sally and explain to her we are splitting up." She gives me a nod. "It's going to hurt her."
"You should have thought about that before you had an affair with your sister," she says rigidly. "I can't stand looking at you," she admits. "Please leave as fast as you can."
"We have to talk to Sally first." I stand by the door, waiting for her consent to call Sally.
"No," she says. "I can't do it now. I need to calm down." She takes a deep breath. "Umm…take her with you…to wherever you wanna go. We'll talk to her in the morning. I don't know…when I'm better." I'm afraid if I leave Stacy alone she might hurt herself but I have no other option than to yield to her wishes.
Tegan begins packing a bag for Sally as I pack everything I own in suitcases given to me by Stacy. Everything I own is thrown on the floor and she keeps throwing more items the longer she searches in the drawers and the closet. Lastly, she throws the presents I got her this morning: the matching mugs, the eyeshadow palette she had wanted, the bag she had told me about, and the pearl earrings.
"You know what's amusing to me?" she asks but I don't answer because I know this is a rhetorical question which she'll continue on her own. "Just this morning I was asking you whether you were cheating and you had the audacity to continue denying it, but only hours later…hours later, Sara," she scream, "only hours later you were exposed. How funny is that! Lies are always exposed, Sara."
"I have to make sure you're not going to tell anyone about me and Tegan, Stacy. At all. Because if you are, you have to tell me right now so I can get the hell away from here and start another life…again."
"I don't have to." She chuckles. "Lies always find their way to the surface." I turn around to look at her but I'm quickly hit with a dildo we've shared. She seems shocked with her behavior, especially when I scream. She backs away in fear waiting for me to hit her back with something from the items I have in front of me.
But I don't do anything. I don't act. I don't know why. I didn't expect her to do such a thing. I don't expect anyone to physically abuse me but Tegan. There's nothing I can do about it because my trauma is far too large for me to think straight when someone touches me this way. My body doesn't let me act; instead it just completely shuts down and recoils. My head begins to spin and I start to hear the beating of my heart. It always happens when someone I'm not comfortable with is too close to me or when I hear a loud thud. When kids play basketball or soccer at school, I can't pass by them in fear of the ball hitting me. The sound of it makes me nervous, as if something is there to punch me in the face.
"I'm not going to tell anyone. You don't have to worry about me," she says again. I nod quietly. "I'm sorry I hit you with the…"
I zip up the second suitcase and get up. "I'll pick up everything else tomorrow. I need a lot of boxes. We have to talk to Sally."
"I can't do it right now," she tells me. "I'll break down again."
"Tomorrow," I answer shortly. "I need help with the suitcases," I ask awkwardly, knowing neither me nor Tegan can carry something heavy.
She carries both in her two hands, grunting at their weight. "Fuck you, Sara," she says. "Fuck you." She sounds like a crazy person and I allow her to be because if it were me, I would sound like that, too.
I walk up to Sally's room where I find Tegan and Sally reading a story from Sally's collection. Tegan questions me with her terrified eyes and I nod so she could come up to me. "I have to stay with you for a few days till I can…"
"Of course you can stay with me," she says quickly. "I meant…" She gestures at Sally, whose attention is fully on us.
"Ummm…Sally, I have to talk to you," I call her. "Uh, Tee, can you open the car to Stacy. She's moving my suitcases." Tegan stares at me in disbelief. "What?"
She rolls her eyes and walks out of the room.
"Sally, so, umm, did you pack your bag?"
"Teetee helped me," she says. "Where are we going?"
"We're going to sleep over at Teetee's place and spend time with grandma." Sally furrows her brows at me. "Is there something wrong with that?"
"Leave mummy alone?"
"She wants to be alone today." Sally frowns. "It's fine. She wants to feel better."
"But she's tired. We should stay with her." Sally obviously wants to connect the dots. She's confused and she doesn't like it when she gets confused.
"Sometimes grownups like to be left alone to feel better, Sally." I don't have more excuses than this, and this answer seems to satisfy her. I take her hand and go downstairs where she throws herself at Stacy. Stacy picks her up immediately and showers her with kisses.
I whisper in Tegan's ear, "We told her it's…"
"She told me," she interrupts.
"I love you, mummy. I hope you get well," Sally says and waves goodbye at teary-eyed Stacy.
"I love you too, Snowball."
I am so embarrassed. I don't know what I am going to tell Sonia. I can lie to my mother and sister in Toronto and tell them Stacy and I broke up. Regardless, they think there's something going on because we haven't visited this winter break. They'll believe it. But Sonia knows something has happened in that room that led Stacy to lose her senses like that.
We have to tell her. We both know we have to tell her. It's in the little glance of fear we exchange in the car, in my lisp and stutter, and in her sweaty face. It's written all over our features. The eye contact speaks a harsh truth that's bound to be exposed. We know we have to explain it. We have to sit through it. We have to hurt her even though she's the reason we're in this pain.
I can't even look at her when I enter the house. Tegan asks her for help with the suitcases and I can already hear the arrows of questions she's shooting at my sister. I sit on the couch and Sally copies every move I make. She's scared. I know she is. I take her jacket off for her because the place is warm. She looks up at me with solicitous stares. I attempt to smile but it's weak and lopsided.
I look outside of the window where Sonia and Tegan are standing. My eyes quickly meet Sonia's terrified ones. I look down at my daughter again, understanding by that small eye contact that Tegan has just filled her in. Tegan is courageous unlike me.
I have to pee badly. I feel cold and nauseous. I want to cry. I feel like I'm choking. What's taking them so long? God, I can't take this anymore. I just can't.
"Sara?" Finally. Finally Tegan's here. I look up but her eyes scream apprehension. "You're shaking. Stop shaking." I haven't noticed. My daughter seems scared, too. "Are you cold?" I nod quickly.
"She's probably getting sick. She left the house without a jacket and it's freezing outside," Sonia explains. "You should go upstairs, Sara."
"Umm…" Tegan wavers, "mum is using the other room so you have to stay with me." I nod quickly. I don't fucking care. "And Sally will stay in hers." It's the same house I spent my first few days in four years ago after all. Sally has a room. Tegan's room was mine. I'm very familiar with it yet it seems like I'm a strange guest at this very dark hour.
"Okay, Tee, why don't you take Sally upstairs? Change for her and tuck her in?" Sonia suggests loudly. I look at Sally who seems on the verge of a tantrum. I know she's puzzled and frightened but she's trying her best to maintain her calmness and this is not good for a child.
"Sally?" I ask softly. Her wide eyes look up at me. "Wanna go with Teetee? I'm a bit tired. Is it okay if Teetee takes you upstairs?" She nods quietly even though I know she wants me with her.
Tegan holds her hand and walks up with her, whispering words I'm too far to hear.
Sonia takes Sally's seat beside me. I try to shift away but I'm quickly embraced in her arms. Everything hits me at once; exhaustion, fear, shock, misery, regret, blame, and deep dark anguish. I cry heavily like I haven't cried before. I cry like the time I've spent in her house seeking my mental and physical recovery after Tegan's abuse. I cry like that first betrayal of the first love I had when I was a teenager. I cry like the time I discovered who Tegan is and Sonia was there to hold me.
"It's going to be fine," she promises unknowingly. "As long as this child is taken care of and is in safe arms, it's going to be fine."
"I'm sorry," I apologize even though I owe her no apology. "I love her so much. I can't just pretend I don't. I can't accept our truth."
She nods. That's all she can do. "Sara, I'm not here to put the blame on my daughters because what's done is done and I know that you two love each other so I really don't have a saying in this. I just don't want this child to suffer."
"She's going to."
"You have to limit the suffering by being a good mother to her." I give her a nod. I'll try. I don't know how but I'll try. "For now you can stay with Tegan but I'm afraid this situation won't be the ideal one later on. Your daughter is very smart and if she grows up and finds out, she'll be devastated. You have to find a home for you and her and live as a single mother even if you want to continue this…this…umm…affair with Tegan." She wipes her tears. I bet she's ashamed.
"I know," I say. "I know," I repeat. "I just need a few days to recollect my strength and start over." I have to find a job. Stacy will probably kick me out. I can manage on my own now because I have an experience and I have money but starting over is not what I can do now. I don't have the will or the energy.
"Are you going to tell your mother?"
"I can't," I exclaim. "She's too old. She'll get a heart attack."
"You can't tell anyone about it now," she says as if I don't know about this. Does she think I'm stupid? Do they still think I'm this stupid girl who can't think to save her life? If she hadn't been here this Christmas, she wouldn't have known…ever. But fuck my luck. "You should get some rest, honey. Take a bath or something. Don't worry about Sally. Her mum's with her."
I can only chuckle before getting up and leaving her there.
I stand by the door of Sally's room, watching Tegan whispering words I can't grasp from my place. They're both on her bed and Sally's about to fall asleep in her fresh pajamas. Maybe what happened is better for us. Maybe it's better for Tegan's mental state and for Sally later on. Maybe I couldn't get pregnant quickly for a reason. If there's a person I would really like to have a child with again and again it is definitely Tegan. And I don't care if she's my sister. Biology determines nothing. She wasn't a sister for over thirty years of my life and I can't pretend that she is. She's a lover, a friend, a woman I can't imagine my life without despite the pain she has caused to me and to herself.
"Mummy," Sally calls, "come here."
I give my daughter a smile and walk towards her. Tegan's eyes watch my steps carefully. No frown and no smile on her face. She's just there, watching, studying.
I kiss Sally's cheek and tickle her a little bit like I do each night before I tuck her in. She giggles, attempting to push me away.
"I love you, Snowball," I tell her.
"I love you, too." She yawns. "And you too, Teetee."
"Good." Tegan grins. "Because I can't live without your love." Tegan kisses the other cheek and Sally kisses her back. "Ohhh. I got a goodnight kiss." Sally turns around and puts her arms up so I can lower my face for her to give me a kiss as well.
"I got one, too." I wink at my baby.
"Turn off the lights," she demands with a pointed finger.
"Okay Ms. Snob," says Tegan, getting up. "I'll leave the door open, Snowball. If you need anything we're in my room."
"Okay." I know Sally hates when someone says that to her. She likes to pretend she's a big girl. She doesn't like it when I treat her like a child even though she is one.
"She thinks only babies get bad dreams and need their parents at night," I inform Tegan when we're walking towards her room.
Tegan hums. "You'd know better."
I plop down on her mattress and fall down with my legs and feet still on the floor. My head is spinning in feverish waves. My nose is running and my chest is aching.
"Wanna take a bath or something?"
"No," I wheeze. "I need an inhaler." She throws me hers immediately then sits next to me. I get up to aid my tired lungs. "I think I'm getting sick."
"It's too cold to go out like this." Her eyes shift down to my thin shirt. I nod. "Where did you go?"
Nowhere. "Everywhere."
"Huh?"
"I just drove," I respond. "To nowhere or to everywhere. I kept driving till I broke down near the lake."
"I'm sorry," she whispers. "It's my fault."
I get up in search for more comfortable clothes. "She knew. She just needed a confirmation." I open her closet because my suitcases are downstairs and I don't want to face Sonia at this very hour. "I'll borrow something from you because I can't handle Sonia right now."
"Sure." She begins taking off her shoes and then her hoodie. We undress in silence and then we get dressed again in heavier silence. The type of silence that makes you hear even the tiniest drops of rain falling on dry, orange leaves.
And the silence drags on till we're both in bed and the lights are dimmed. The only light comes from the small crevice Tegan has left in the door. Not even the moon is lit up. Does the moon shine over sinful windows?
"I bet you're happy," I tell her.
"Me?" Her voice is full of youthful rasp; the kind I used to hear when we slept together in the same dorm room; when we whispered at night from our beds or when we cuddled secretly on her bed or mine, convincing ourselves we were not cheating at all. It's full of excitement and it radiates expectation.
"Yeah," I answer. "That this has happened."
"Do you really think I'd enjoy my daughter's misery?" She chuckles.
My never coming response transforms into tears. They start silent like our night, unnoticed and unheard. They suddenly get loud with very resonant sniffles and sobs. I bite onto the pillow and shiver.
"My heart is breaking for you and Sally," she says before holding me as tightly as I wish to be held. She tries her best to steady me but my entire body shakes with cries and snivels. I feel too cold and too wrong. I feel wrong. Like a walking disaster. Like an endless mistake.
...
Tegan
I leave her in bed when I wake up. I know she needs the extra hours to regain her strength and vigor. I take a quick shower and head to Sally's room to find her awake in bed. She asks me to go the bathroom and I take her. I ask her if she's hungry. She affirms my expectation with a nod but first tells me that her morning routine always begins with a shower that one of her mothers give to her.
"Okay, umm, so Sara's still asleep. Can I give you your morning shower instead?" I think Stacy has accidentally raised an adult in a toddler's body.
Sally takes her time to think, looking around the corridor and then humming wistfully. "Mummy can't?"
"She's asleep right now. And I think she has a cold and I don't want you to get sick."
"No." Sally shakes her head. "Other mummy," she says angrily.
"Oh. Stacy."
"Yes." She scowls at me.
"She's at home and she's tired, remember?" Sally huffs. "Snowball, you don't have to take a shower right now if you don't want me to help you. You're clean."
"No," she scolds frustratingly. "Mummy said I must take a shower every day in the morning."
This kid is going to be a high-maintenance type of adult, and her teenage years will probably suck if she stays this way. I don't know where Sara and Stacy got the idea that strict parenting is the best parenting. Everything has to do with details with them. Every decision is followed by a rule justified by different reasons that my mind can't comprehend.
I give up to Sally's will and give her the shower she needs. But even in the shower, I have to follow her strategy of what to wash first and how to wash everything.
"I'm all wet now and I just took a shower before you woke up, Snowball."
"Take another one," she gives me her magical solution. I am honestly baffled at her ability of quick retorts and speech. I know Sara isn't a witty speaker and I'm sure Stacy isn't as well. She's too calm and collected for those snobby remarks so it's something probably genetic from either me or Jeremy. I know I'm smart but not a genius like her. I probably couldn't even make up half a sentence her age while this kid has the ability to fix someone's grammar or make fun of the way they said something and it came out funny.
"I will not." I stick my tongue out at her to make her laugh but I only receive a smile. "Wow. I'm not even funny?"
"No," she answers honestly.
"Ouch." I touch my humiliated heart which, apparently, is funnier than sticking my tongue out at a kid; it makes her giggle.
The hair is another process that takes me awhile to figure out. Sara's the hair master at home as Sally explains and she's the one with the different hairdos I see regularly. I attempt giving her the same pigtails I've seen on her the day before but she doesn't want to repeat the same style. I don't get it. She wasn't so demanding when I was changing for her last night. She's not like this usually. I babysit her often and she's not a pain in the ass as she is right now.
We settle on side braids because, seemingly, I am terrible at everything her mothers do each morning. By the time we go downstairs, both our stomachs are about to burst in hunger, though she would rather have a gurgling stomach for days than loudly admitting that she wants to eat.
I find mum in the kitchen. She's been awake for awhile and has already prepared breakfast. I recount what happened upstairs without Sally noticing and she gives me a deep sigh of anguish.
"That's what she did to me yesterday when I was left alone." I take a plate with an omelet and hot bacon in it, waiting for the second one. "She wanted to teach me how to dry the plates correctly like her mothers do at home and then she asked me why my face has a lot of wrinkles, which she called yucky skin." My jaw almost drops. I take a glance at my daughter but I am immediately met with a sharp glare.
"She knows we're talking about her," I whisper. "Shhh." I take the second plate and walk up to the table, putting one plate in front of me and the other in front of Sally. Mum walks up to us with two glasses that have orange juice in them but Sally's disgusted face stops her. She gives me a hesitant look. "Sally?"
"Yes?"
"Is everything okay?" I take the glass from my mother's shaking hands and put it in front of Sally. "Look what grandma made us. Breakfast!" I chant excitingly.
"That's not how they make it," she says whiningly.
Unbelievable.
I take a deep breath and continue, "How do your mums make it? Because I remember clearly a month ago I made you this exact plate and you ate all of it."
She stares at me for a long time. Her red face and blue eyes never for a moment leave my face. I take a bite and moan to make her jealous at least. Blank face is all I'm given. Sonia is just standing there bewildered and shocked.
"What about the food I cooked yesterday?" Sonia speaks. "You ate all of it, Snowball."
Sonia only receives a side glance from Sally and that's it. No response. No gesture. Nothing. Just one glance and she's back burning a hole in my face.
"Okay, umm, how do you want your eggs then?" Mum is obviously giving up. I glare at her and kick her foot under the table.
"What?" she whispers but Sally notices.
"Can I talk to you for a second?" I tell her. We get up and leave Sally sitting there. I can still look at her staring at us as we stand by the door. "Mum, don't give in. She's being a bitch on purpose. She's not usually like this."
"Why?" Poor mum. She seems genuinely hurt with Sally's behavior towards her.
"I don't know?" I shrug. "I mean with all this intelligence there's a very spoiled snobby side. I guess she's like that during the mornings. Sara did say Sally has her moments, but seriously she and Stacy have those strict rules and this stupid routine that she's so used to and I guess it's bothering her that we're just…random?"
"We're not random," mum says, "we're normal. This kid is…" Mum is about to burst. "God, I am so tired. I couldn't get any sleep last night. Did Sara ever stop crying?"
"No." I look up at the staircase. Maybe I should wake her up by now. "She had a breakdown. It was very bad."
"How am I going to leave her like this?" It astounds me that she genuinely believes Sara views her as a mother. To Sara, only Jessica is her mother. Sonia is just a mistake from her past. Yet, my poor mother worries and frets about Sara's condition.
I honestly think it's better she's leaving tonight. I think Sara needs to take her time to recover and she might need a room on her own. I don't think she'll be all hugs and kisses towards me anytime soon. "She'll be fine," I finally say. "I'll wake her up. Stay with Sally…Try."
Sara's already awake when I get upstairs. She's on the phone and I think she's talking to Stacy even though she's just humming with tearstained eyes. I touch the hand resting on the mattress but she pulls it away and hums again.
"No." Finally a spoken word. "Four days with me and three with you. "Friday after school till Sunday night."
Definitely Stacy.
"It is fair," she yells. "She'll be with you all morning for two days. I only get to see her after school or work so it is fucking fair." If I were Sara, I wouldn't even get a joint custody. Stacy's not even related to this child. She wasn't in our lives when Sally was born. "I don't need your money," she continues. I wish I can hear what they're blabbering about. "Her mother actually has opened up a bank account for her future needs so thank you very much. You only have to spend when she's with you and if you don't want that, you don't have to."
I can't help but smile when she acknowledges me as Sally's mother. I know I shouldn't but I can't. When our eyes connect, my smile shamefully fades. I try to take her hand in mine again but she shifts it away before my finger touches hers.
"I know, Stacy. I know you fucking love her more than anything. I got it. I fucking got it. I know it well. There's a reason I let you adopt her and now I truly hope you can understand why it was hard for me to see you close to her or to acknowledge you as a mother to her. She's not even my biological child."
Silence.
"I know I'm her mother." Sara begins to sob. "But so is Tegan and nobody can deny that even if the truth is hidden."
"Sara," I speak, "please end this phone call. Sally's giving us a hard time downstairs." Her eyes slowly widen. She gives me a quick nod and sniffles.
"Stacy," she says and pauses. "Stacy, listen." She closes her eyes and huffs. "Listen," she says loudly. "I have to go. I have to see what Sally wants. I'll call you before I leave."
I give her a moment to breathe after that phone call. I just want to hold her hand and tell her everything will be alright but being denied affection twice kind of hurts my pride
"Sorry I left her with you for a long time. That was an important phone call. We were discussing what we should tell Sally and, like, you know…you heard." She's rubbing her eyes now. Too harshly. Too fucking harshly. She's going to blind herself. "Ugh this fucking eyelash is stuck."
"Don't apologize. She's just acting weirdly." She sneezes. "Still feeling sick?"
"Yeah." She leaves the bed. "I'll make tea or something. What's up with Sally?"
I fill her in but she doesn't seem so shocked by Sally's behavior so I guess Sally is like this at home, too. When Sally sees her, she hops off her seat and runs to her immediately. Sara takes her in her arms and whispers gentle words in her ears, coloring her two cheeks. I take a peek at her untouched plate and at my mother sitting with a hand under her chin. She's probably had too much of Sally already.
"I'll heat up her plate," Sara says. "Is it okay if I take her to the living room to eat in there?" Sara is trying her best to get the yes from me even though she's the one with the rule that food must only be eaten in the kitchen or the dining room.
"Yes, sure. I'll switch on the television for you."
"It's fine." Sara walks up to the microwave and I begin preparing tea for her.
"I'll prepare you a plate," Sonia tells Sara. She gets up while Sara watches her from her periphery. Sally's studying all of us.
"Thanks, mum," Sara says. Mum looks at her with questioning eyes because she never called her that. Mum has always been Sonia to Sara and Jessica has always been mum. "Sally, why don't you chase me to the living room?"
"Okay," Sally says, taking the challenge and running out of the kitchen.
"Is it okay if you just left her alone?" I ask.
"Yeah. It's fine." Sara sighs. "You guys have to be patient with her and me…umm she's acting out on purpose. She knows something's going on and she thinks by acting like a total snob, you'll take her back home. I think she clearly understands she's not going to live with Stacy anymore."
Both mum and I are silent. I am trying to process everything Sara has said and mum just seems miserable. I guess I understand Sally. She's used to her home. She has a house and two mothers and losing that all of a sudden isn't a good thing. She's going to hate me. She's going to hate Sara. She's going to hate all of us and she's going to be depressed. I'm the reason my child is losing this sense of security. I completely destroyed it with my selfishness and need. I'm fucked up. Still fucked up.
"What was this thing about the egg? She spent the last fifteen minutes explaining to me how you make her eggs." Sara sighs but then follows it with a little giggle.
"Ummm…it's a tradition. She has a breakfast schedule. Kinda works for her diet. Today is a Tuesday and on Tuesdays she eats scrambled eggs with tiny hotdogs on the side and then drinks chocolate milk." I can honestly see the look of ridicule and shock on my mother's face. I want to laugh but it's not the right time.
I frankly do not understand millennial parents and their strange parenting habits full of different complicated rules and schedules. "I bet Stacy came up with this weird shit." Sara doesn't respond so I'm probably right. "I just wanna know if you had a saying in her parenting? Like, did you even put any rule in there? Because that fucking shower routine almost killed me. Then there was the hair. Her hair has a schedule, too?" Sara nods silently.
"But she's…." Sara huffs. "She gave you a hard time because she knows…I said it…b…because…fuck," Sara screams. "Yes I did. Okay? I fucking did put rules. I did parent. Stacy happens to have a PhD in this…in fucking child behavior or whatever. She knows what she's doing and thanks to her we have an intelligent child."
Mum is overwhelmed. With a hand on Sara's shaking arms and a hand on mine, she looks at us in puzzlement. "Girls, please…uh…calm…calm down."
"Just because she has a PhD in something doesn't mean she can do it better. Parenting happens naturally to an actual biological mother, not a wannabe bitch." As soon as the words come out of my mouth I regret them. As always, losing my shit even when I am on medication. "I didn't mean…you…I meant…"
"I got it," she says angrily. "Sally has ADHD. She was just diagnosed a few months ago, but Stacy has always suspected it." My eyes immediately widen and mum's lips are agape in shock. "I didn't want to tell you. This very organized routine helps her focus and think and makes her life easier for her. Stacy was able to work on her at a very early stage that's why it doesn't really show much, but when she's tensed up or nervous she acts out. So I hope this explains why we're that strict with your daughter."
"I…I'm…" I don't know what to say.
"Isn't it too early for her to be diagnosed now?" Sonia says.
"We've always suspected it…umm since she was a baby." Of course they have. I'm her mother so of course any dubious behavior would lead Sara to think the kid is fucked up like me. "Then her behavior became very terrible, and sometimes even aggressive, at kindergarten. Inattentiveness, hyperactivity, jumping here and there. She pinched and slapped a few children who bullied her. Stacy thought it's better if we actually look into it…and yup…she was diagnosed."
"Is she on any medication?" I ask.
"No. Too young. W…We thought behavior therapy is the best method at this age…umm Stacy's good at th…this." I hate it when she stutters whenever she talks to me as if I am going to attack her at any giving moment. I always feel like I am this superior monster ready to leap at her and rid her off her flesh.
Mum gives Sara her plate. "But be careful, the behavior she just showed us isn't good at all. You're making her used to a strict routine that changing it is distressing her."
"I know," Sara whispers. "I called you mum on purpose because she always asked me why I have two mothers and why they don't live together like Stacy and I did." Poor mum. I can see the gulp of disappointment. "She thinks you and Jessica were…umm together and broke up." I can't help but laugh. "So, I want her to be ready to…umm…for th…that?" Sara's so unsure and so broken. "I don't know how this is going to go but it's going to be hard for us…for me and her."
"It's going to be fine," I promise even though I'm unsure of it myself. "I'll do my best to help you with her. I'll be a good aunt." I smile though my smile isn't reciprocated.
I follow Sara to the living room and closely watch her as she takes care of our daughter. She makes Sally sit on her lap. She tickles her and kisses her until Sally feels safe and lively again. Sara whispers a lot of words I can't hear from my place but I can only smile as I watch them. Slowly, Sara begins to feed her child who doesn't even let anyone feed her usually. Sally must be shaken.
"Sara, eat," I say. She nods and that's all I get from her until she and Sally are both done with their food.
"Want some coffee?" I ask in my bedroom. Sara's sitting on the floor near her suitcase, fishing for fresh clothes to wear. Sally is downstairs watching cartoons with mum sitting with her. I bet mum is going to kill me for leaving her.
"No," she says dryly. "I'm taking Sally to Stacy's in a bit I don't want anything to make me extra nervous."
"Do you…" I hesitate when she looks up at me. I don't want to get rejected or shouted at. I don't want to receive a hurtful comment. "Do you still love me?" I look down. I don't want to see her angry face right now.
She sighs. "I love you, Tegan." I look up at her instantly. She gives me a lopsided smile but it's all I need to feel better. "I'm just…I…" She begins to cry so quickly.
"I'm sorry." I walk up to her to give her the same warm embrace of last night. "Please forgive me for what I did yesterday and what I said this morning. I regret a lot of things and it seems like I have to live my life regretting." She kisses my arm and gently pushes me out of the way.
"It's not your fault," she says. "The universe keeps on…fucking up with us."
It's easy to blame it on the universe sometimes, especially when things are out of your reach. I have always praised my grandmother. I have always looked up to her, kept her Bible safe, revised her speeches and harangues. I have idolized this person that has ruined the lives of many. I often wonder how life would be like if Sara wasn't thrown at a random person's door. Would my parents have made me? I was made because they wanted their kid back and couldn't get her. I wish my mum was old and mature enough to know who my grandmother threw Sara at. It would have made all the difference. But, again, would it? Would Sara fall in love with me knowing I am her sister? Would I have done that? Isn't this the same theory she's been going on and on about? That siblings can actually fall in love but since they are put in the hindrance that they are siblings, they don't do it.
So basically she's right. If Sara and I lived as sisters, we wouldn't have looked at it that way, maybe. But the love would be there, definitely. Perhaps more platonic rather than romantic or sexual. But the thing is, it's not that we are not attracted to each other that stops us from pursuing this type of fiery passion that we have towards each other; it would be the fact that it is considered a social taboo to fall in love with a sibling which just doesn't move our minds to think lustfully over one another.
"If, umm, Emy called…uh, don't tell her why…Stacy and I…" I nod immediately.
"Of course I won't." Sara wipes the remaining tears, moving around in the bedroom in her underwear and my navy sweater. "She hasn't even called to wish us Merry Christmas yesterday."
Sara chuckles. "Funny how every shitty thing always happens in Christmas."
"And always with mum around," I say, laughing a little bit. "She's a bad luck charm."
…
Sara
I use Tegan's car to drive myself and Sally to Stacy's. Thankfully, she's calmer than the day before, but unquestionably colder. The house is neat and cleaned. No broken vases or cups all over the floor. My pictures are not there. Only Sally's. She makes us sit in the living room and goes to the kitchen to get me a cup of coffee and Sally a carton of chocolate milk. Sally has already informed her she didn't have hers earlier and it is a Tuesday.
"Thank you," Sally chants cheerfully. "Mummy, open." She hands me the carton so I can put the straw in it.
"How have you been?" I ask. She nods. "Did you…"
"Let's get into it," she interrupts. "Please."
"Mhm." I don't know how to start or where to start from. Sally seems immersed in her milk and this seems so fucked up of us to do to her like this.
"Sally?" Stacy saves me from my misery and takes the lead, shooting daggers in my direction. "Sara and I would like to talk to you."
Sally looks at me then at her with the straw between her lips. Her eyes are wide with jubilation. Chocolate Milk Tuesdays are always something she waits for.
"Snowball," I add my share, too, "are you with us?"
"Yesss." She sits back and hands me the drained carton of milk. She's energetic now and I'm not sure if this is good or not.
"You are a big girl, right?" Stacy says.
"I am," Sally shoots loudly.
"So what we're about to tell you is something only big girls understand."
"Okay." Absentmindedly, I kiss her temple. I don't know why I do it. It just happens because she's an adorable child and I'm about to break her heart.
"Sally," I decide to speak up. I can't make her do all the talking. "You know how you always ask me about my two mums and why they don't live together?"
"Yes because they don't want to," Sally blurts out. "Because they're old." Stacy is smiling to herself.
"Okay, well, remember when I told you sometimes grownups just don't live together anymore?" Sally has always wondered why she has a grandfather but not a dad. She wondered why she didn't have a brother. She always wondered about the missing pieces.
"Yes."
"Sally, sometimes grownups like to live alone. They think it is better for them and for their…children," Stacy says. Sally furrows her brows, beginning to slowly comprehend where we are going. "And just because they don't live together it doesn't mean they don't love each other or they don't love their babies."
Sally takes a doubtful look at me. I smile at her, reaching for her hand to hold. She's silent now; vitality diminishing.
"Snowball," I whisper softly, trying my best to deliver the news gently, "Mummy and I have decided to separate." She blinks twice but says nothing. "It means we are breaking up. We are not going to live together anymore."
Stacy takes a deep breath, swallowing the tears that are bound to escape her reddened eyes. "We didn't do this because we hate each other. We just think it's best if we live apart from each other…and it would…it would make me and mummy feel better."
"What about me?" Sally mumbles, but it's just something she asks herself not us.
"You're the love of our lives, Snowball," I answer her immediately. I gaze at Stacy, gesturing for her to join us on the couch. She has to hold Sally in this moment. She can't leave her confounded like this. "We're still going to love you no matter what."
"Where would I go?" Her voice is breaking but no tears are there to relieve her of this suffocation.
Stacy indeed joins me on the couch, leaving Sally in the middle. She takes a hold of her small body and kisses her head whispering, "You're not going anywhere. You're going to stay with me and mummy. You're going to spend it with me from Friday after school till Sunday in the evening. And the rest of the days with mummy."
Sally begins counting with her hands. She does the math in her brain. Stacy helps her, using her digits to count with her like she has taught her. When she's done she nods agreeably.
"I don't want you to be upset, Sally," I say. "I love mummy so much but it's time we live on our own so we can have a better life."
Stacy's staring at me with her soft eyes. I exchange the same looks. My eyes are watering just like hers.
"Will it make mummy less sick?" Sally asks me.
"Yes," Stacy answers instead. "I will be better."
"That means you made mummy sick?" Sally cries out.
"I…"
"No, she didn't, Snowball." Stacy chuckles. She kisses my daughter's head again. "I promise you it will make more sense when you're just a little bit older. It might hurt now and it might not make sense and it might make you confused but it will. I promise you." Sally nods again. "You'll grow up and you'll become a very beautiful lady and then you will fall in love and you will understand what we're talking about."
Sally furrows her brows at her. She looks at me after then wrinkles her nose. "No," she says. Her pale face is pigmented in embarrassed red. I give her head a kiss as well. "I want to ask a question."
"Okay?"
"Who got me?"
"Huh?" Stacy asks.
"Who is my real mum?" I look at Stacy whose frightened face is searching for the answer in mine. I never thought this day she wonders who carried her would come in such a circumstance. She's seen many pictures of me breastfeeding her but I don't think she understood that I'm supposed to be the one who birthed her.
"We're both your real mums," I answer, or, actually, lie.
"No." She shakes her head. "I was in your tummy or mum's?" She pokes both of our stomachs, demanding to know.
"M…mine," I lie again, too ashamed to look in Stacy's eyes. Sally hums. "But that doesn't mean I'm the only mum you have. Mummy, too, is your mother. When two love each other, they decide to have a baby. If they are two mummies, they decide which one will get pregnant."
"Why?" asks Sally. "Why you and not her?"
"Because, umm," Stacy begins, stuttering on her words, "we go to the doctor and she tells us which mummy is healthier to have the baby."
"Ohhhh." Sally falls silent, probably dwelling on Stacy's answer.
This is too much for a toddler to take. She's not yet five years old and all those questions are roaming in her head. Her situation is different from her peers. Sometimes when she returns from kindergarten she comes up to me with a list of questions about the universe or God or nature or where children come from and who puts the baby inside the mother and why there are two mothers and two fathers but mostly there are one mother and one father and why she didn't have any. Sometimes I get dizzy with her frequent inquiries, but other time I enjoy educating her brain with the information it is allowed to encompass.
Certainly, though, today the purpose of her questioning is different from merely seeking knowledge. She is desirable to understand why Stacy and I are leaving each other. She can sense that I am the one with the better hold of her. She knows I'm more in charge and she wanted an affirmation to that. I don't want her to think just because I am supposedly her biological mother, Stacy isn't as important as me, but I think that's the idea she fully has in her head. After all, she took my last name, too.
I get upstairs to pack more of Sally's clothes. Sally is in the room next to me wondering why she has to pack when she's going to stay here for three days.
"Umm…you need clothes and underwear and your toys, Snowball."
Her quiet tsks and wiggling legs give me the idea she's not too fond of this packing and, naturally, she shouldn't be.
"You'll have two rooms. One with me and one here."
"Are we gonna live at Teetee's? Because I have a room there." Smart question. Again, a question I'm not sure I have an answer for right now. "Why do I have a room at Teetee's?" Why isn't she with Stacy right now?
"Because I used to live in that house before I moved here with Stacy," I answer her honestly. "I kept your room there so you can relax or sleep when Tegan babysits you. You spent a lot of time there when you were a baby."
"I don't remember." To Sally, if something she doesn't remember it must not have happened. I tried my best explaining to her that a person often doesn't remember anything from when they were a baby but she insists that my information is wrong.
I don't give her an answer. Instead I try to distract her by making her hand me more items from her room. After awhile Stacy occupies her. They sit together downstairs while I finish my packing work in Stacy's bedroom. She has already helped me and put everything that belongs to me in the boxes. I wonder if she had any sleep last night.
Tegan calls to check up on me and Sally but I don't have an exact answer to what we're both feeling. Sally seems fine but then again she's very good at hiding her feelings that I stopped knowing what she harbors inside.
"Did she cry?"
"No," I answer. "I'm so scared. She's just asking random questions."
"Do…do you want me to talk to her, too? Like, when you come back?"
I think for awhile about her offer. She could be helpful. Sally might feel safe knowing she has people who care. I'm just afraid Tegan might slip and say something Sally might spend the night awake wondering about. I know that my lover is quite sentimental despite the bravery she likes to portray. She's even more emotional than me. She has always been like this. However, Sally having a close aunt in her life is something I do want for her. Tegan can be the safe place for her. Girls tend to look for an older female that is not their mother to seek comfort and advice. I know I sought Jane because I couldn't confide in my mother. Joy always sought my advice rather than Jessica's, and Tegan sought her grandmother's and older women she happened to meet in her dad's company. I want for Sally to trust Tegan and always find solace in her company. It might help me and help Sally, and also Tegan. "Sure. Yes, it would be good for her," I finally give her my consent.
"Emy called."
"Oh." I find some of our sex toys in the box that has some other items such as my pictures, my makeup, and my cosmetics. I take the bag out and throw it on her bed. I don't want this.
"Yes. She apologized about not phoning but apparently her parents are here visiting and it was a surprise."
"Oh, that's good." Why is it always that whenever a girl leaves me, she leaves the sex toys for me? Half of these are not even for my use. "How's Pearl?"
"Not very good." Tegan chuckles. "Umm…you know that…she only has a month left?"
"Please don't go there. I can't bear this." Tegan hums. "I just don't get why Emy's pushing me away."
"She's pushing everyone away."
"Not you," I mumble.
"It's because I'm just too close to her daughter." Tegan sneezes. "Anyway, I told her about you breaking up with Stacy because she asked about you too and she'll already know."
"Fucking Tegan," I exclaim.
"I didn't tell her why," Tegan says. "I just told her the relationship had been terrible and…well…"
"Ugh whatever." I get up from my place on the floor knowing I have to call Stacy to move the boxes for me. "I gotta find an apartment."
I hear Tegan's solicitous sigh. "Just wait for now. Try to relax and…get everything under control."
Under control? How funny. I'm not even sure whether anything will be under control ever again.
Stacy helps me with the boxes without any hurtful comment or provocative remark. We make an arrangement to begin our separation process right after the holidays are over. We have to meet again in order to discuss all matters we need to take into consideration now that we are going to co-parent a child separately.
"We have to go to the doctor," she tells me. "To, umm…stop the…" She gestures at my lower abdomen, awkwardly averting her gaze right after. I have wondered what might happen if we just suddenly stopped the medication. I know she wondered it, too.
"Did, umm…did you see something strange? Abnormal…since we didn't…" She shakes her head, a bit too violently. "Me, too." She nods, also as quickly. "We'll…we'll do all that. In few more days…when everything is back…to, you know, place."
"Yup." She inhales deeply. "It hurts," she admits. "It hurts so bad I feel like my heart is going to stop working."
"I'm sorry I caused this pain." I know how it hurts. I have felt it, too. I know what love causes. I have been there. I know the stinging feeling of jealousy. I've watched it all. I know what it feels like to lose the one person you want to be with the most. I know what it feels like when they don't want you. Tegan has done it all to me and I lived through it and got over it until I got stuck in the whirlwind again. "I wish I can just…stop it."
"Please don't cry," she says. "I don't like your fake tears."
"They're not fake," I shout. "Why do you think they're fake?"
"You don't get my pain," she shouts back. "The pain of being constantly cheated on when you weren't even aware of it because you were stupid enough to build dreams of a loving family in your head. When you're too in love with someone who is too in love with her fucking sister to even sleep with you."
"Sally's staring at us. Please lower your voice." I look back at Sally's form seated on the couch, only few inches away from our whispering mouths. "I don't want her to know that her mother is fucked up." A chuckle leaves Stacy's lips the same time she's removing her tears with her index finger. "I know I'm fucked up and I hate myself enough for it to hear it constantly."
"Great," she utters sarcastically. "I think it's time for you to go."
Sally asks me about the small argument Stacy and I had in the car. I think she knows I'm to blame for this separation but she wants to know the reason why. What if my daughter secretly despises me? She'll always despise me if she figured out the reason, that's for sure. But what if she already does thinking I am the problem in this departure?
"It was about…" About what? I don't know what to tell her. If I tell her 'grownup things' she would not believe it and it would affirm her suspicions. If I explain she might not understand. "It's because…uh…I hurt mummy," I admit because there's no use in hiding it. "And we were discussing it."
"Why did you hurt her?" I take a little look at her then get my eyes back on the road. "This is why she kicked us out?"
"First of all, she didn't kick us out. It's her house not mine. I don't really have a house, Sally. I lived in aunt Tegan's house until I met Stacy and then we loved each other and she invited me to her house."
"And then you got me?"
"Well…we got you…and then I moved to her house when we decided we should live together." I sigh. One lie drags the other and this is getting exhausting. "But now that we are not together anymore, I have to leave her house."
"You stopped loving each other?" she asks again, even though we explained this concept to her before.
"We do…just not romantically like any couple. I love her because she's a good mummy and a good friend and a good boss." Sally laughs. She laughs whenever I tell her that Stacy is my boss at work. I guess not anymore. "And she loves me because of the same things."
"You're not a boss," Sally corrects me. "You work for her." I nod, laughing a little.
"Yes, so that's why I'm moving."
"What about the second thing?" Sally gets back to the point that I was trying to steer her away from.
I park the car in Tegan's garage and look back at my daughter. "I didn't mean to hurt her. I made a mistake and it hurt. I said something bad because I was hurt so she yelled…that's why." Sally nods. I unbuckle her seatbelt and kiss her forehead. "But I apologized and she did, too."
But Sally does not give me an answer. Her silence prevails, slamming me into an overthinking fit in Tegan's room, panicking about the words I said. Tegan attempts to calm me down but I can't stop processing the words I've uttered in front of my child.
"Can you please stop walking to and fro?" I stop in my place and look at her body on the mattress. Her black yoga pants and sleeveless shirt with "OMG!" on it, alongside her high ponytail that looks like a little palm tree make her look like she's nineteen again. She appears youthful and charming with her fresh face, unmarked by age, pregnancy, or life's hurdles. "What you said isn't wrong. In fact, you were trying to be honest which is good." She bites her lower lip in order to think of more words to say to me. I take a deep breath and nod. "But Sally is…not like any other kid. A normal kid would take this information and just live with it till they discover the truth. Sally just wants to know the truth. She wants to discover it and analyze it and wants to reach the conclusion why you and Stacy broke up. It's her given right but she's too young for that."
"Our kid is a genius," I say breathlessly. Her come-hither motion sways me to join her on the mattress. She takes a hold of my hand and a squeeze is followed.
"That's perfect." Her smile is kind and comforting. "I'll talk to her. You don't have to wo…" The door is opened and her words are interrupted. It is my daughter with a blank face. "Hey, Snowball," Tegan says cheerfully.
I let go of Tegan's hand and motion for my child to come up to me. "Come here, Snowball." She walks up to me slowly. The blank look morphing into a smile she's trying her best not to stop. "Come to mama." She climbs up on the mattress and quickly throws herself at me, hitting my chest with her head. Though it hurts, I kiss her head and stroke her hair.
There's a blazing fire in Tegan's orbs. Its light descends on me, dispersing strength and warmth towards me. Our hands return in a tight grasp and I close my eyes, inhaling the full half out of this half empty glass.
"Wanna take your nap, Sally?" Sally nods, not lifting her head up. "You want to stay here in my arms?" I try to tickle her, but she pushes my hands away. Her grip tightens around my shirt where she pinches a bit of my flesh on the way. She digs her head in harder. "Honey, this kinda hurts." I kiss her head again and I hear a sniffle. I look at Tegan whose eyes assure me she has heard it, too. "Can you look at me?" She shakes her head.
Tegan puts a hand on her back and begins to rub gently. "Sally?" she whispers in her ears. "You can cry, honey. It's fine."
I hear another sniffle and I add another kiss. "Baby, you can cry. It's fine." I lie down on the mattress gradually, careful not to disturb her. She understands my motions and gives me the space to lie down so she could lie down on me. Tegan takes off my shoes for me so I can put my feet up then she moves to Sally's feet to take off her shoes. Sally shifts, alarmed by Tegan's movement near her feet. "She's removing your shoes, Snowball."
I increase the kisses as the sound rises. Her cries are not timid nor shy anymore. I don't know why my kid has an idea that crying is for the weak. Stacy and I never punished her for crying. We never disciplined her for that. She just hid it from us. She only cried when she was hurt and she often refused to admit she was hurt. Normally, kids her age cry too much. They even throw tantrums and she was just like them before we started her behavior therapy. Stacy has instilled all those idea of what a strong big girl should and should not do but it was never about crying. It was just about her screams or stubbornness or movement or messiness. Slowly, she began developing this personality of suppressing every little thing inside to show us she is able to perform everything perfectly.
"I know you're hurt," I tell her. "I am hurt, too." And so is Tegan, because she's crying silently next to me. I know she's crying because it hurts her to see her own flesh and blood in this pain. "Mummy, too." I give her another kiss. "And we cry. You've seen us crying. We've been crying for awhile…every day. Even auntie Tegan cries." Though she refuses to lift her head, her eyes move up to find Tegan's tearstained face next to mine. She reaches her tiny hand for her mother's and Tegan takes it immediately, squeezing it with half a smile. "It will hurt a bit for awhile and you're allowed to cry but it will get better. I promise you, Sally. It will. I'm sorry we hurt you…" My voice breaks so I clear my throat in order to continue. "Staying together would have hurt more." God, how can a toddler understand this? She can't. She just can't. I just give her another kiss instead.
"Are you sleeping here tonight?" she asks me, finally showing me her red face and puffy eyes. I grab her face and kiss her nose. "Mummy," she whines.
"I'm going to sleep in the other room because grandma is going back home after dinner."
"But I wanna sleep here between you and Teetee." I look at Tegan's concerned face but it's not the concern that catches my attention; it's that mischievous ray of hope that sparkles in her eyes.
"You can do that Snowball," Tegan says. "You can sleep here between us, but promise me you won't kick me like last time you slept next to me." Sally giggles, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. Tegan grabs a tissue from her nightstand and immediately wipes her nose for her. "We don't do that, Sally. That's disgusting."
"Sorry," Sally apologizes.
"Sally," I earn her attention again, "only for tonight, though. Big girls sleep in their bedroom alone, right?" She nods quickly. I don't want her to think that just because Stacy and I are not together, she can live her fantasies without any parental control. "You're a brave girl."
"I want to sleep," she says, yawning. I shift her around so she's squeezed between my body and Tegan's. Tegan covers her up with her duvet and kisses her forehead. "But don't leave me." She tugs at my collar, pulling me down next to her.
"I'm here, Sally." I kiss her cheek. "Teetee and I are both here. Take your nap and when you wake up, you'll find us here." Tegan kisses her other cheek, too excited she's sharing this moment with her daughter. I guess I know what Tegan feels; it's definitely the fear of losing Sally.
Well, she doesn't have to worry anymore. I think this is her chance to be in Sally's life as much as she likes to.