Trigger Warning: Death
Sara
Though Tegan tells me that I don't have to wake up to get Sally ready for school and that she can do it, I still make sure to get up as early as possible to cook breakfast for my daughter and my…sister. It's Sally's first day back to kindergarten after winter break and I don't want her to think I don't care anymore. I've always waken her up. Sometimes Stacy did, but mostly it was me because Stacy took much longer time to get ready than I. I, at least, wish for one part from her old life to stay constant.
Tegan returned to her job a week ago and I have been online fishing for jobs since I moved here. Nobody has called. Tegan thinks they'll start calling today since almost everyone is back to work today.
"You have an experience and an MS degree," she says while sipping her coffee. "No need to worry." Sally's sitting at the table eating her cereal with sleepy eyes.
"See how your eyes are barely open? Because you didn't go to sleep last night when I told you to," I rebuke then take a sip of my coffee, too.
"No," Sally objects loudly. "I wasn't sleepy last night." She looks back at her bowl and yawns.
"We're gonna be late. Finish it already."
I check my phone and enjoy my coffee knowing too well Tegan is staring at me from her place by the counter while I'm standing right in the opposite corner of the kitchen. "I have to go to the doctor today," I inform Tegan. "For umm…you know." Stacy will meet me there at four.
"Yeah. I know." Tegan puts her mug in the sink and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. And we're back to this bullshit of Tegan being an absolute filth and I am the one cleaning after her. I have to find a job so I can fucking fish for an apartment. "I'll drop off Sally by the way," she offers. "She's on my way so…" Tegan shrugs.
Sally looks up at her then back at me, obviously awaiting my response.
"I don't even have a car to drop her off," I say. Another thing I have to obtain. Sally frowns and looks back at her cereal. "What's up with that face?"
"Nothing," she says, waving me off. I sigh. This child is going to make me lose my mind with her ominous behavior.
"You don't want Teetee to drop you off?"
Silence.
Tegan is just watching her as she attempts to finish her cereal.
"Sally?" I call.
"Yes."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she screams, making my jaw drop in confusion.
"Did you just yell at me?" Tegan seems horrified, too shocked to even speak.
"I'm sorry," Sally says.
I walk up to face her and I find her puffy red eyes trying their best no to release the tears inside. "I'm hurt, Sally." Her frown is deepening and her lips are trembling. I take a seat by her and look into her small eyes. "I don't understand you. I'm trying, baby. You don't tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing is," she says in a broken voice. "I just want to go back," she whispers. "I want mummy to drive us to school." She wants Stacy to drop us off like she's done each day. We used to drop Sally off then go together to school.
I push the half empty bowl aside and take both of her tiny hands in mine. She begins to sniffle but refuses to let her guard down. "I know it hurts," I repeat what I tell her every day. "You're going to get used to it eventually. I'll get a car and drop you off. Mummy will pick you up on Fridays." I kiss her forehead. "You talk to her every day and you see her on the weekends. Things have changed but you can get used to them, Snowball." She nods. "Aunt Tegan loves you so much and she will put music on and make you laugh when she drives you. She's so fun." Her eyes shift to Tegan's form still standing in the corner. Tegan attempts a smile but it's such a dejected one it doesn't make Sally smile back. "I'll try to…I'll try to make mummy pick you up and drive you here today but I can't promise. She might have work." Sally finally smiles. "I'll talk to her, okay?"
"Okay." She stands up to give me a hug. I kiss her cheek and she apologizes again for her behavior.
"Come on. Let's go take a shower and get dressed." I wait for her to walk to the door but instead she walks up to Tegan and hugs her legs. Tegan is taken aback by this gesture so it takes her a few seconds to stoop down and hug Sally back. She showers her with kisses and tickles, surely making her forget about her misery. "Tee, leave her," I say amidst the giggles in the room. "She'll be late."
Tegan leaves one last kiss and then lets go of Sally. I blow a kiss in the air and wink at her as I follow Sally out of the kitchen. I love this woman so much. I just love her.
When they both leave, I get back to bed. I put my head down on the pillow to resume my slumber since I have spent all night awake applying for jobs online. I need my rest before I carry on with today's chores and errands.
My phone rings during my slumber and disturbs my dream away. I reach for it and squint to see the caller's ID.
"What do you want?" I mumble at Stacy's name with a groan. "Hello?" I say groggily.
"Why aren't you at work?" her angry tone makes my eyes pop open and my sleep to be completely erased. "What the hell, Sara?"
"What?" I sit up slowly, not exactly able to understand what she wants from me. "Work?"
"Yeah?" she says questioningly. "You know? Your job? A fucking counselor? Have you hit your fucking head?"
"You didn't kick me out?" I hear her despondent sigh. "What?"
"Do you really think I'm this psychotic unprofessional woman?"
No. I don't. I obviously don't. But why would she keep me around her when she can't stand looking at me? Why would she allow me to be so close to her when seeing my face hurts her? With breakups, people usually like to stay away from each other as much as they can to avoid drama. That's just logical.
"Sara, do you want to leave this job?"
I don't. I haven't found a job and I love mine, but I certainly don't want to work with her because I'm ashamed of myself.
"I don't," I say. "I just thought you'd want to avoid drama. I thought you didn't want me in your life."
"I get it." I begin nibbling at my index my finger as she pauses. "I guess we can try this semester because you already have a contract. If it didn't work for us I'll ask of you to leave the school but I won't kick you out because you're the best counselor I've had so far."
This just makes me feel worse. I betrayed this really innocent woman who's trying her best to be good to me even after I did all of this to her.
Maybe she just understands my love for my sister. Maybe she knows I can't control my feelings.
"Alright, umm…I'll be there in half an hour."
I inform Tegan about Stacy's news on my way to my job. She tells me it isn't a great idea because this will increase the tension.
"If someone calls you from those places you applied to, just leave this job."
What Tegan doesn't understand is that I am comfortable in my job. I don't suffer. I like giving advice to people. I know my dream is opening my own clinic but this, too, is a great job that I love. It pays well and I have summer breaks and I am well-respected by my bosses and colleagues. I am aware that things might be different now that Stacy and I are not together but they would have been different since we began our cold war two years ago. There were times when we fought for several days but still managed to do our job perfectly. She never treated me with contempt and I've always respected her. Back then she didn't even understand why I was so distant or so angry or just upset, but now she has the reason that might help her, might give her peace.
I don't know how Stacy thinks or might think but I'm going to try to keep my job. At least I can find a good apartment and maybe get a car with this job. At least I'll know if Sally did or said something nice, funny, or weird when she stayed with her. Stacy does have the tendency to share what Sally does to everyone like a proud mother. I'm quieter, but she just brags about this kid as if her life revolves around her. I guess it does.
I don't find Stacy when I get to my office. Everyone greets me like it's a normal day. Nobody stares at me weirdly or gives me judging looks. My coffee arrives on time and some teachers ask me how my holiday was. I smile, I nod, I comment quietly like I do almost daily.
I guess Stacy is doing her morning tour around the school which gives me time to take a few notes of what I have to do today and make sure to fix the schedule I haven't touched since the…big reveal. I haven't even prepared anything for today. I hope Stacy can wing something out of this.
I wonder if they know we are separated. Stacy seems like she hasn't told them. I wonder if Landon knows. He's the only one who has furrowed his brows at me. I saw those blue molds from the glass office. I hope he chokes on a dick.
A knock on the door makes me jump and Stacy quickly comes inside and closes the door behind. "You're here," she says in her full glory dressed in a maroon suit with wide-legged pants and a fit blazer with her glorious bun. "Nobody knows we broke up, but they'll probably know eventually."
"Yeah, I figured. Landon seems to know, though."
"No, he's just an asshole." At least we agree on something. "How's Sally?"
"We should talk about that." I have to tell her about Sally's behavior this morning. I don't want to be this obnoxious parent hiding everything related to their child from their ex partner. She hasn't hurt me; I hurt her. I know Sally's not her child, but Sally doesn't know that.
"Oh, my poor baby." She touches her chest after I narrate to her what has happened. "Of course I'll pick her up from kindergarten. Maybe get her something swe…" I begin to tsk at her suggestion. "Fine." She sighs. We've agreed no spoiling because a lot of other couples break up and Sally shouldn't be spoiled just because her parents broke up. "How about I pick her up every afternoon? You drive her and I pick her up."
"Ummm…I…" What if Sally gets too attached and doesn't want to get back home to me? But Tegan can't even leave her job to pick her up and drive her back so I guess…"Okay, fine…I just have to…"
"Ask Tegan about it?"
"No," I shoot. "I am her parent, Stacy. Not Tegan. Never was. She lost that right the day she kicked me and Sally out of her life and she knows this very well. Tegan is her aunt."
I'm a hypocrite.
"Okay…then…?"
"I have to explain it to her. She might think she can…you know…use your affection to get whatever she wants and you never say no…"
"I'm the one who always said no by the way."
"Well, now you just can't."
"Because I feel like I lost her." She shrugs.
She's right, I suppose. If I were her, I would be as devastated as she is. She clears her throat and adjusts the collars of her white shirt.
"Stacy?"
"Yes?"
I tap the pen against the desk, processing my words before I speak them out loud, "How about Friday after school you pick her up and she stays with you till Monday after school when you pick her up again?"
"I don't get it?"
"I mean you pick her up on Friday and she spends Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with you. Sleeps at your place on Sunday and you drive her to kindergarten on Monday then pick her up again but…drive her to Tegan's place."
Though she just nods, I can clearly spot the excitement in her big blue orbs. I wonder if people think Stacy is the biological mother when they look into Sally's eyes. She has the same sky shade even though all her other features are the same as Tegan's and mine. I guess the eyes are Jeremy's.
When I arrive home at night, I find Tegan playing with Sally on the floor of the vast living room. I throw my bag on the couch and unbutton my pants then slouch next to my bag.
"Mummy," Sally gets up from her place while Tegan is still using the colorful pieces of the LEGO to build whatever empire she thinks she can make.
"Hey." I give her left cheek a kiss and hold her closely. "How was your day?"
"Mummy drove me back here." She touches the strands of my hair to play with them as she likes to do whenever she rests next to me. Her dream is to give me a hairdo the way I do to her but she hates it that my hair is way too short. I'm trying to grow it a little bit for her. The longer I can grow is up to my shoulders. She likes to play with Stacy's hair, too. Though she always tangles up the locks, Stacy still manages to surrender her hair to Sally.
"I know." I give her cheek a kiss. "Did you have fun at kindergarten?"
"Yes," she chants. "We learned a new song and I was the best. I got a sticker. Teetee put it on the mirror in my room."
"She got a huge star," Tegan comments, finally giving me her attention. "It was gonna fall so I stuck it on the mirror in her room."
I give Sally another kiss, this time squeezing her to hear the loud giggles. "I'm proud of my little star."
"She's just like you," Tegan states. "She likes to sing. Maybe you should teach her how to play guitar."
"Mummy, you know how to play guitar?" Sally's surprised octave and wide eyes is all I want right now to make myself feel better. That trip to the doctor was emotional. Stacy cried so much when the doctor shocked her with the news that carrying a child on her own might probably not work for her. She could try, but she might be disappointed.
"I do. I can play very well." I sit up to take my grey blazer off. "I'll teach you during summer break, how about that?"
"Yes," screams Sally. "I want to." She claps her hands excitedly.
"How was it?" Tegan asks with an eye gesture at my nether region.
"Ummm…okay, I guess? S…you know who is a bit too dramatic, though." I notice Sally's pupils moving from left to right trying her best to understand what we're talking about. "I'll tell you about it later."
We have dinner in the kitchen in quiet solace. The smiles Tegan and I exchange while our daughter continues her banter about superheroes make me want to lean in and kiss her plump lips from across the table. This is how this family should have been since ever and I know now she regrets hurting us so much because we can't enjoy these moments peacefully with the lies we lock inside our chests. We should be enjoying our dinner like this every night. Maybe, just maybe, I would have been carrying our second child as we speak.
I guess I'm to blame, too. I strove so hard to find my biological family till the truth hit me in the face.
Tegan's phone rings and interrupts Sally's chatter.
"Emy," she says, leaving her fork on the plate. "Hello?"
Sally goes quiet and I leave my food untouched as well looking at Tegan's furrowed brow and agape mouth.
"Hun, I'll be right over. It's fine." Sally takes a worried look at me. "Don't worry. We're right here. Both of us. Sara and I. We'll come to you." I leave my food, beginning to clean up the table.
"Sally, are you done eating?" She nods and gets up to help me take her plate to the sink.
Tegan comes up from behind me which makes me gasp. She puts both hands on my shoulders and whispers in my ears, "Pearl isn't well…at all. Emy wants us with her. Umm…do you think Sally can…"
"Yeah. I'll drive her there," I say breathing in and out slowly. I don't think I can breathe well right now. "Just let me call Stacy to fill her in."
We both look at our confounded daughter. She's glaring at Tegan. She hates when people whisper something in front of her without her being included in the secret.
I leave Tegan to wash the dishes while I take my phone and run to the bathroom away from my daughter to call Stacy. She responds to me lazily and lethargically. She can't be sleeping at this time.
"Emy's losing her kid and she wants us there so I have to…"
Before I'm able to continue, she interrupts, "Have Sally over?"
"Mhm."
"Sure," she says rather too jovially. "Get her here."
I leave the bathroom to find Sally staring at me with arms folded against her chest. "Do you have to pee, Sally?"
"No," she says.
"Okay. Come here. I wanna talk to you." I grab her little hand and take her to her bedroom. I sit on the couch and pick her up to sit on my lap. "Oh, God, you're heavy." She gives me a giggle, jerking her body happily against my breasts. "Sally, you're giving mummy an achy boobie, honey." The giggle becomes louder and she turns around to pat my breast.
"I'm sorry," she apologizes.
"Thank you." I remove her hand and grab the other one, too.
She senses my anxiety and asks, "What do you want to tell me?"
"Okay…" I clear my throat. "So, you know how Pearly is ill?" She nods, giving me her lovely wide stare. "Teetee and I have to go to auntie Emy's house and be with her for now. To help her and support her…and…" I don't know what to say. I don't know how to break the news for this little girl. She's too young. "Because we are her friends and she needs us to feel better."
"Pearly is dead?" she asks loudly.
"No," I answer immediately. "She's not."
"She will die tonight?"
I pause at the door where Tegan has been standing for some time. She shakes her head and turns around to cry away from my view.
"I don't know," I whisper. "We don't know when people die. They just do sometimes." Sally frowns and looks down at her hands on my stomach. "I'm sorry, Sally. I don't want you to feel bad."
We both hear Tegan's loud sniffle and Sally turns around to search for her figure but I guess she doesn't want to show us her weakness, not to Sally at least.
"I'm just sad because you are sad," she says. "And auntie Emy...and Teetee," she whispers the last phrase to me. "Ms. Mackenzie told me that dead people get to rest in a nice place in the sky so I'm not sad for Pearly. Because Ms. Mackenzie said that she will not be ill again when she goes to the sky."
Sometimes I don't know how to answer this kid. I'm just thankful she has so many people in her life teaching her right from wrong, so many people I can count on to direct her to the right path. I never wanted her to be taught about death and to be scared of it. I don't want any trauma in her life. I just want her to be happy and confident and I'm glad she has the right people for that despite her dysfunctional family.
"Ms. Mackenzie is right, Snowball." I kiss her forehead. "Pearl will be happy and safe but Emy will miss her so Tegan and I have to go there to make her feel better and remind her that her baby will be in a really good place." Sally nods. "So you have to go to Stacy's tonight."
"Can't I come with you?" I know she would like to see Pearl but Emy told Tegan not to bring Sally at all which means Pearl's state is really terrible.
"No, honey." I frown at her. "I'm afraid you can't because Pearl is asleep right now. She's so tired. Plus, auntie Emy said she doesn't want anyone to see Pearl."
Sally nods though I know the last sentence hurt her feelings. "Mummy has a good night planned for you."
"Okay." She shrugs and hops off my lap.
I change for her and then get to my room to change and she follows me again. During those past two weeks she has become my shadow. She either waits for me outside of the bathroom or joins me in the room when I'm getting dressed. I don't mind her being with me but I'm not used to her doing it that much especially that we've taught her that when her mummies get dressed she has to stay out. Sometimes I tell her to close her eyes, sometimes I can't tell her to do anything when she's feeling extra bossy. I want to befriend her. I want her to trust me when she gets older.
"Mummy, is the tooth fairy a myth?"
I look at her resting her head on my pillow with her left leg up keeping her left foot flat on the mattress with her knee up. The right leg rests on the thigh of her left leg with her right foot dancing in the air. I pull my pants up then answer her, "Do you think it's a myth?" How does she even know what's a myth?
"Yes," she says, nodding. Meanwhile Tegan barges in making her scream loudly with a high-pitched giggle. "Mummy's getting dressed. Get out," she orders, sitting up and crossing her legs on my mattress.
"Come on, Sara," she says, obviously not caring about my braless chest at this moment.
"Yeah. Here. Give me a minute." I grab my sports bra from the second drawer and put it on.
"Mummy, she saw your boobies."
"Why are you here then, smartass?" Tegan asks. I tsk. "Sorry. Bad word."
"Because I'm her daughter," Sally answers boldly. "She fed me from her boobies. I saw them before." Tegan's jaw drops in amazement and shock. I shrug at her while putting on a black hoodie.
"Well, I'm her sister. I've seen her naked." I shoot Tegan a look and her distress is momentarily erased by her wicked smile.
"You've seen her foo foo?"
"Okay, alright," I say loudly to distract the embarrassing conversation about my private parts.
"What? What's a foo foo?" I glare at Tegan again but sometimes she's so dumb she can't get a hint.
"It means a vagina," Sally screams confidently and I almost choke on my saliva. Tegan bursts out in loud laughter, hitting her thighs as she laughs and laughs for days and I'm sure I have a face redder than a fucking tomato.
"Who taught you that?" I ask.
Sally shrugs.
"Sally?"
"Edy," she says. "He said that girls have a vagina and boys have a penis."
It's not the time for this conversation at fucking all.
"Snowball, Edy is right," Tegan says, trying her best to stop her tearful laughter. At least she's feeling better with her daughter's humor around. "These are the actual names."
"But mummy lied to me because she thinks I'm small." Sally leaves the bed when I put my parka on. "Have you seen what a penis looks like?" I close my eyes to contain my growing anger and embarrassment. I have always imagined this talk would happen calmly with Stacy around me in order for her to handle all the weird questions I'm not sure I can answer.
"I have not," Tegan lies…or maybe it's the truth. Has she ever seen a real one in real life? Because I haven't.
"I haven't as well," I say. It's the truth. "I know how it looks like, though." I don't want to lie too much to her because she will find out. "When you study science in grade seven or eight, I think you will see how it looks like."
"No," Sally screams. "Gross." We walk down the stairs and I grab her blue parka from the hanger to help her put it on. "Suzie has a brother and he has a penis and she says it looks funny." She wrinkles her nose at me.
"Did Edy say something else?" I ask while zipping up her parka. She shakes her head. "Promise?"
"I promise." I kiss her cheek while Tegan watches with the keys in her hands.
"If he says something else or if anyone says something to you that you don't understand please ask me about it."
"Okay." I wrap her scarf around her neck and Tegan opens the door for us. "But that's not my point. I was asking Teetee if she saw you naked."
"Sally," Tegan says with a snort, "I'm sorry I came in like that. I was in a hurry and, yes, I have." I kick Tegan's shin and she shrugs. "Because we're sisters…that's why."
"Okay," she says again. I give my middle finger to Tegan while Sally's not looking. "Anyway, mummy, I don't believe in the tooth fairy. I just think you put the presents for me," and she gets back to her original point giving us a headache all the way to Stacy's place.
After we drop her off, Tegan doesn't leave room for silence. She interrogates me about Sally's upbringing methods. "Remember that time when I was pregnant and we were…umm…in the shower?"
"I mean…" I chuckle. "When were we not showering together, Tegan?" I spot her nervous smile from the corner of my eyes.
"It was when you helped me get the piercing out and we were fretting over what names we were going to teach her for those parts?" I turn my head to look at her. I think I remember that time. "We agreed we'd teach her the actual names because those nicknames are stupid."
"Umm…yeah, but I figured she might say them in public? I mean I looked up a lot of names and I just…I don't know…she started calling it foo because everything was foo for her when she barely spoke."
"Wasn't foo just food?" Tegan takes a momentary look of confusion at my sheepish face. "Wow. That's…just weird…"
"It started with food but then she called everything that. Don't you remember?" She shakes her head. "And then I did my research and a lot of people called it…that."
"Such a cringe-worthy name." She laughs a little. "Might as well call it tee tee and just make me hate my life."
I take a little bit time before laughing loudly at her suggestion. "Ummm…actually, a lot of people call it that." I throw my hands in the air at her shocked face. "What did you call it?" I wonder.
"A vagina," she states loudly. "Like normal people. It was always a vagina…before I knew the other dirty names in grade five."
"It was bum for me…I was so dumb. I literally thought it was just my front bum…like…" I stop talking when her cackling increases. I just laugh along. "And then I was just shocked when I was at my friend's place and she called it vagina. I think I was in grade four or something."
"Wow." Tegan's laughter is funny and contagious at the same time. It reminds me of all the good times we've had. "Umm, so…you really never saw a penis?" I tsk once. "Like ever…in real life?"
"Where would I see one?" Other than porn I don't recall myself seeing an actual penis. I'm sure I'd be horrified. "I've seen some in porn." She gives me a grin. "I never saw a guy naked."
"Me neither," she admits to me. "Do you ever wonder how it looks like real close?"
"Probably disgusting," I tell her.
"What about the feeling?"
"I've tried the dildo and I like it so I might like the feeling but…" I don't feel comfortable talking about this when we're in Emy's street. It feels too vulgar and rude. We were just sad an hour ago.
"I mean, yeah, if he knows how to direct his dick, well…you might like it. If he's an idiot, you won't enjoy it. Also if he knows where your clit is." She parks outside Emy's apartment complex. "Most of them are dumb."
"You speak like you know about it when you're a gold star like me." She shrugs, not focusing on our conversation but rather on the lights shining from Emy's room in the fourth floor. "Are you ready?"
"Yeah." She takes a deep breath and turns off the engine. "I'll try my best to be strong but…I don't think…" She takes another deep breath. She's doing the exercises I have taught her before. I take a hold of her hand and squeeze, watching her eyes close to release all the stress in her body.
"You can take a break in the bathroom if you feel it's too much. You can cry but try to be as calm as you can." I can't just tell someone not to be sad over death. I can't tell her not to grieve. God knows how Pearl is right now. God knows what kind of devastation Emy is in right now.
We knock on her door slightly, too afraid to disturb her already broken peace. Amber opens the door with bloodshot eyes and tied up hair. Tegan gives her a hug and rubs her back. I do the same next before asking for Emy.
"She's in Pearl's room." She walks up in the tiny place and we follow. The scent of the antiseptic is too strong that I begin to cough immediately. Amber pushes the door slightly where inside we see a ghost-looking Emy seated on a small chair next to her sleeping child.
She stands up immediately and walks up to Tegan to give her a big hug showered with tears. I've never felt so left out as I do right now. Did my best friend really just forget about me? Am I not important to her anymore? I know I shouldn't feel jealous about this, but I do.
Next she hugs me, but I swear it's not the same. We leave the room with Amber inside to watch Pearl. We end up in the living room with Emy breaking down in front of us.
"I always thought this day would come soon but I just can't…" She hiccups. "I can't take it."
"Emy, I don't know what to tell you but are you sure this is it? She seems…fine."Gladly Tegan says this and not me because the glare she's given by Emy is dangerous. "I'm sorry. I'm just asking."
"Her lungs are barely working. You know why she's sleeping? Because she's on goddamn medication that leaves her powerless. She has a really bad fever and the doctors said this is it." The doctors have always said this is it. "I don't want anyone to give me solace and tell me she'll be alright. I know the reality of this and I'm not stupid. God knows she'll finally rest from this ongoing pain. I just want you here." She makes a loud crying sound and I hold her immediately, making sure her head rest on my chest. "I just want to cry here and I want you guys to hold me." Tegan joins the embrace and encloses her fully, letting her cry till she exhausts herself.
I barely get any hour of sleep, but in the morning I find Emy in Pearl's bedroom while Tegan sleeps on the couch. Emy's feeding her pale kid without tears this time.
"Good morning," I greet silently. Pearl lifts her eyes to squint at me.
"Morning," Emy says. She gives me a weak smile before directing her attention back to her kid. "Say good morning to Auntie Sara, Pearl."
"Good morning," Pearl says with a broken voice. "Where's Snowball?" She looks around for my kid.
"Umm, she's with her other mummy," I say. "Do you want to see her?" I don't think Sally can handle this. Emy doesn't, too. She shakes her head at me.
"Yes," Pearl says loudly.
"Umm…I'll see what I can do. I have to ask her mummy but I'm not sure she'll say okay."
"Why?" Fuck my life.
"Because she's grounded. She said something bad."
"What did she say?" My God. Emy huffs quietly.
"I can't say it. It's bad."
"Baby, eat." Emy pushes the spoon towards her lips but she shakes her head. "Please."
"No." She shakes her head and lies down. "I'm tired." She coughs a little bit and that's when I see panic in Emy's eyes. She puts her hand over her forehead to check her temperature. She sighs then looks at me.
"Outside," she asks me and I step outside before her. It takes her about a minute until she follows me. "Sara, you can go to work. I know you have millions of things to do."
"Emy, it's fine."
"No, it's not." She takes a deep breath. "If I need you, I'll call you and Tegan. I should wake her up." Okay, she wants Tegan to go to work, too. Good. Because I thought she just doesn't want me close to her.
"I just have umm…a meeting with my lawyer today…Stacy and I have it." She nods slowly. "For the custody."
"You're gonna let her…" I nod. "How come?"
"She thinks Stacy's her mum and I guess…she is. I don't know." I don't want to talk about this right now. It's just not the right time.
"God, I'm so sorry I'm not involved in your life. I just don't have the energy to ask or fish for news. I really hope one day I'll be able to…be close to you again." I guess she's right. How would she be so close to me still when she's going through all of this? Maybe she's closer to Tegan because Tegan is closer to her.
Tegan has spent days here with her and Pearl. They've been sleeping together for so long and Pearl has become Tegan's priority, too.
Tegan and I go home for a quick shower and a change of clothes, packing well for the night at Emy's again. Tegan thinks Emy is just too anxious and Pearl is just the same as she's been the previous three months. I honestly don't know because I haven't focused much. I just know that Pearl was never this fragile looking.
I head to Stacy's place to check on Sally before she's off to kindergarten. Both the woman and the child interrogate me about Pearl's condition.
"She's okay." I nod at Stacy so she can understand and Sally takes the word as it is.
"So she's not dead?"
"No," I answer my kid. "Did you sleep well last night?" I'm itching to change the subject.
"Yes. I slept next to mummy." Stacy closes her eyes in frustration. "Oops. I wasn't supposed to tell you." I glare at Stacy. I don't know what has happened to this woman.
I wait until Sally's out of the car and we're on our way to the school so I can address the matter.
"What's going on with you?" Maybe that came out loud. Maybe it was harsh. Her eyes stare at me in wide fear. "Stacy, you're the one who taught her she's supposed to sleep alone. Come on," I try again with less of an attitude.
"Well, at least I'm not getting naked in front of her." Of course Sally has told her about last night. "Are you and Tegan are like…getting intimate…in front…"
I free her off her misery and cut her off with a scream, "No." She flinches. "We're fucking not. Of course we are not. Are you crazy? I was just getting dressed and Tegan fucking barged in to tell me we were late. That's it."
"Don't yell," she says slowly and calmly with a deep breath leaving her lips and a grip too tight on the steering wheel I can see her blue veins through the skin of her hand. "I just think that we're both cheating because we both feel guilty."
I don't answer her. She's right.
"I just don't want her to get so attached."
"Give me time," she whispers and the discussion is over until we arrive.
We manage not to speak to each other more than three sentences during the whole day. She's busy and I am, too. I check on Emy constantly and it seems like she's grateful. She greets me with a loud thankful 'Hey, Sara' every time I call her. She fills me in on her daughter's situation and I assure her that I will be with her as soon as I am done with my errands.
The thing is this month will be full of errands to run and meetings to go to since Stacy and I are trying to get the custody of Sally. It's going to be exhausting for me. Sometimes I get too tired I wish I can just sit at home and feel bored. I once told Tegan that and she asked me if I really wished to sit at home doing nothing like the past days when we were in New York and Tegan had to go to work every day while I sat at home and did absolutely nothing but clean or play with the cat. I guess I don't want that, but a break would be nice.
After the meeting with the lawyer, I make sure to spend time with Sally in Stacy's place even though Stacy doesn't like that. She has to suck it up. If I'm going to spend so much time consoling Emy, I have to see my daughter at least four times a week. I can't just not see her. Except the weekends are fully reserved for Stacy.
"Are you hungry?" Stacy asks me after she comes from the kitchen with a spatula in her hand and a dirty apron around her waist.
"I am but I better get going. I promised Emy I'd be there at six so…" She nods and gets back to the kitchen.
"Mummy, wait." Sally runs out of the living room, leaving me there dumbfounded. Stacy appears next with Sally pulling her by her apron. "Give mummy the gift we got to Pearly."
"A gift?"
"Yes," my daughter screams ardently. "Last night I told mummy I wanted to get something to her and she took me to the mall."
I raise my eyebrows at blushing Stacy. Something else she hasn't told me about.
"Mhm." I nod. "Where's the gift?"
"I'll get it." Stacy runs upstairs while I fume in my place, thinking of a way to confront her.
"I got her a teddy bear, okay?" Sally speaks. I look at her and smile. "It is blue and it's holding a rainbow like the one Teetee has in her bedroom." She still doesn't know what the rainbow stands for. She thinks we're a family that likes rainbows so much. "I saw the rainbow in auntie Emy's house, too." Of course she did. "So this teddy bear is cute and she's going to love it. It will make her feel better because it has healing powers."
"How do you know?" I ask, intrigued by her thoughts.
She hums for a bit then dilates her tantalizing blue eyes at me. "Because one time when I was sick and I kept coughing and you took me to the doctor he…" I zone out as she speaks, remembering when her pediatrician gave her blue sour candy and a keychain of a blue teddy bear. He told her blue has healing powers so he could distract her while giving her the shot. That was last year and she had a bad asthma attack. She had to take cortisone injections which made her gain too much weight again. She lost half of it this year but she's still a chubby child.
Stacy comes downstairs with the gift in a gift bag. "Give my greetings to Emy," she says in a low voice.
"Thank you." I take a look inside the bag and gasp. "That's such a beautiful teddy, Sally." I grin at my excited daughter who smiles widely at her other mother, proud of herself for picking such a pretty gift. "Pearly's going to love it." I bend down to give her flushed cheek a kiss.
"Stacy?" I ask, nodding at her. "Can I?" I motion at the door. "Sally, will you let me talk to your mum for a bit?"
She nods and we begin walking to the door. "You're going to scream at her?" Sally makes both of us halt our steps. "Don't yell at her." I look at my frowning daughter with trembling lips and tears threatening to follow. "Don't fight." She immediately begins to cry.
Sally never cries. She never does unless she's very upset and very hurt.
Did I break my daughter?
"Honey," Stacy says, running to her again. "We're not going to fight. We're just talking about grownup things."
"I'm not going to yell at her," I say from my place. I was going to fight with her. I was going to give her a piece of my mind. Sally knows and sees everything. "What made you think I would?" I walk up slowly to her. I sit on my knees to face her. "Sally?"
"That's what you did last time." My daughter connects everything together and comes up with conclusions. Most of the time her conclusions are accurate.
It's honestly frightening that she has this ability. I can't hide anything from her. I have to be careful. Everyone has to be careful.
"I wasn't going to," I say calmly. I kiss her cheek. "I won't ever make her cry." I'll try. I'll try my best even though Stacy doesn't believe it.
I waste more time trying to make Sally feel better, leaving the house without conversing with Stacy. I guess from now on everything has to be said over the phone or at school. Not even at school would be a good idea. I wouldn't want to fight there.
I discuss what happened with Tegan in Emy's presence after dinner. The three of us are sipping cold beer while Amber spends time with her daughter in the bedroom.
"Can I be honest?" Emy says. I nod at her. "If she's getting a joint custody she has the right to take her wherever she wants without even telling you. Legally, she's not obliged to tell you." She's right.
"Yeah," Tegan mumbles.
"Did you just agree?" I look at Tegan and chuckle. "Wow."
"It's just the legal thing," she says. "I don't like it but do I have a saying?"
"Why did you break up?" Emy asks. "Honestly…why?"
"I told you." I shrug. "We don't love each other." She nods and takes a sip off the cold drink. "What?"
"You never even loved her," she says with a yawn. "She was just there. A good company. A save. You've always loved Tegan."
I remain quiet. Tegan, too. I push my head back against the couch and close my eyes. The headache is enough. I don't need Emy's interrogation.
"Fine, don't answer me." She stands up and leaves the room.
I take a look at Tegan extending my arm towards her to grab her hand. Our hands clasp and our eyes smile. I wish I can kiss her at the moment. I just need a soft kiss, a warm embrace, a sweet touch. I want her closer to me. She's a drug and I'm addicted. I don't know how I've lived those past five years without her in my life; without her kisses and touches and fucks.
We all sleep in Emy's bed. Amber takes the other room. Emy doesn't even sleep. She gets up every few minutes to check on her daughter.
In the morning I wake up with aching bones. I aid my pain with painkillers and head to work. I head back to Emy's after work because I have to meet up with Stacy over dinner. A babysitter will watch Sally while we dine in a restaurant to discuss yesterday's incident.
When I get home, I find Emy and Amber in distress over their daughter's tantrum.
"She's bored and wants to go out," Amber whispers to me. "She can't fucking go out because she's barely breathing."
"If your fever goes away, I'll take you out," Emy tells her daughter.
"No, no." She shrugs her shoulders with heavy tears. Coughs follow. Many of them. "I want to play."
"You're sick, baby." I sit next to Pearl and touch her hand. It's burning. I look up at Emy, too horrified to say a thing. "Do you want chocolate? Mummy could get you chocolate," Emy says.
"I want fried chicken," she says. "Get me fried chicken." She hiccups and sniffles.
"Umm, Em, I think if you give her a bath it would be better. She's burning."
Emy nods quickly. She and Amber exchange a puzzled look and Amber nods. "Yeah. Give her a bath. I'll get her some fried chicken."
"I'll help you," I offer. "I give Sally those each time she has a fever. It makes her feel better." She just nods. She's panicking. She can't say anything.
I prepare the bath for the kid, hearing the coughs and gasps from the room next to the bathroom. I call for Emy to check the water.
"It's perfect. I'll get her."
Emy ties her hair and rids herself off her clothes. She stays in her underwear. I don't take mine off.
We put her in the warm water for a bit where she relaxes a little. The coughs decrease but the fever doesn't go away.
"Mummy, I'm dizzy," the sick child says. Her voice is too soft and barely audible.
"Are you hungry?" She nods. "Let's get out of the tub. Mummy will be here soon."
I prepare the clothes for Pearl and Emy carries her to her bed.
"She's shivering," Emy states.
I put my palm over her forehead. The temperature hasn't fallen I guess. "Do you wanna take her to the hospital?" I rub her body with the towel to warm her up. She closes her eyes slowly.
"I guess after food," Emy says. I notice the child isn't responding nor moving anymore. I let go of her when I feel her body getting heavy. Her head falls on the mattress immediately. I gasp loudly making Emy turn around with a loud shriek. She pushes me away with crying fear.
"Pearl," she calls. "Pearl," she cries. Her tears and weeps are loud. Her body is hovering over her daughter trying to wake her up. "No. Please, no." She begins hitting herself as realization hits her. The child's lips are turning blue and Emy's beating herself up. I hold her tightly and cage her hands in mine. "Please wake up, please." She shakes in my arms as we sit on the floor. "She can't be dead. She can't."
"What's going on?" I look up to find Tegan standing there right above us. "Oh my God." She cups her gasping mouth and her tears slowly begin to fall.