Trigger Warning: Mentions of depression, suicide, and death.
Sally
Dear mum,
I decided to visit Emy today. I guess the last letter I read moved me. It's the letter that contained Pearl's death. I barely remember that time. I felt like I should pay her and her wife a visit. I tried not to bring her past up. I'm not sure if Vivian knows about her past. I guess she does; that's what grownups should do. They should just tell the truth. Not that her past is bad. It's just a sad past.
I felt sad when I looked into her eyes even though she's a very happy woman. She cooked her famous lasagna, of course. Stacy felt jealous when I came back and narrated what I'd eaten. We also had a very nice chocolate mousse that Vivian had baked. They make a lovely couple but their three boys are disaster on feet.
You're lucky you don't have boys, mother. The twins just turned three a week ago and they're more active than the last time I've seen them. They kept running around with Sam who acts anything but eight. I swear to God I almost saw Emy ready to cry because they don't even listen to her when she tells them to sit down. Vivian just gave up and started telling me about choosing the right major at university. I love her view of the world.
Do you miss Emy? She said she misses you and Tegan. Vivian doesn't know you two are together, right? Again, I tried not to bring anything up. I just have to know who knows and who doesn't. I guess I am less angry now. I just have so many questions.
I'm not reading the letters as quickly as before because I'm spending a lot of time with Stacy. She's teaching me how to cook so that when I go to university I won't have to live on ramen. We go out sometimes. We're also watching some old shows that she loves. I can see that she's very happy having me over. I guess that she'll just be super happy having me there all the time.
I miss you, though. I truly do, mum. I know you want me to visit, but I don't think I can face Tegan just now. Christmas is still months away from now, so who knows! Tell me how you've been doing. Are you working? How's your therapy going? Did you take more steps? I wish I can see you walking again. I know it will happen because I believe in you. You're the strongest person I know. Give me your good news.
Love,
Your daughter.
Dear Sally,
You have absolutely no clue what type of warmth your last letter has provided. I was facing a terrible day full of excruciating cramps and back pains when Tegan came in with the mail. I know we live in a modern world where technology exists but a handwritten letter is always a gesture that sparks up the darkness in my heart. I suppose you're aware of that.
To answer your inquiries, yes Vivian knows about Emy's past. To be more frank, they've met in group therapy. Vivian had lost her husband and a three-year-old daughter in a car accident before meeting Emy. Their loss is what bonded them. You'll read about that in the upcoming letters. I tried not to go into many details with Emy's feelings because they were hers, but during that time Tegan and I accompanied her daily when she was hurting.
Something I do regret adding an account of which is our polygamous affair with Emy. I'm not sure if you've gotten that far, but I hope you'd read this before getting there. You have to understand it was temporary because all of us were in pain. You also have to promise you will not tell Stacy. I think she knows about it, but I'd rather not get her informed because I am a bit ashamed of it. I truly hope you do not judge me. You've read way worse details than the ones in the upcoming letters. I know I do not narrate the sexual encounters or the very embarrassing situations, but I guess you can imagine how wild some events had been. I read a letter Tegan had written about her sleeping with that man and it stung me that she included so many unnecessary details. I still think you are too young to be exposed to this, but Tegan thinks coming clean is way better than hiding everything. At the end you have the freedom to read or not to read.
Vivian does not know about Tegan and me, however. I'd like to keep it this way. She's not very interested. Most of our acquaintances believe we have traveled together for my medical remedy and I believe they might forget about us eventually. I sure do hope so because I'm planning to forget the past and begin a new life here with Tegan.
As for my medical situation, I am sorry to say I haven't witnessed any improvement. Physical therapy is killing me. Tegan is trying her best, but the process is emotional and hard. She can't forgive herself and I have to put up with her tears all night long. I know you cannot sympathize with her, but you really have to understand that she was not in control of her actions that day. Please read to understand. See the world from her perspective.
Also, Sally, do write to me often. I miss you heavily and it hurts that you're with Stacy but not me. I wish I can see you soon.
My dearest love,
Sara Smith.
…
Tegan
The worst nights are those spent in Emy's apartment. They are nights full of forced awakenings every few hours at the sound of heavy weeping coming from the bathroom. Sometimes they come right from beside me. Sometimes I just feel them and I have to run out hurriedly to the kitchen to stop the anguished woman from trying to hurt herself.
It's been a long month and this chagrin hasn't been lifted. How could it be? If by any stupid chance I imagine it's Sally who's gone, I fall in a web of distress and make myself cry.
I miss this child. I know she's in a better place, but I miss her laughter and smiles and hugs. I miss having Emy happy. Emy hasn't been happy since those days I first met her at university. Hell, she wasn't even happy then because her lover had cheated on her with me. Emy hasn't ever been happy.
Sara thinks we can't leave her alone at night. I tried to get her to stay with us but she just wants to stay in her child's bedroom to cry and mourn. Amber visits sometimes, but it's not for solace. It's for pain; to add to it, to ignite it, to live it with her ex lover.
It's easier for Amber, though. She's just a strong person. She's not all mushy and sensitive as Emy is. She has a cold type of demeanor and a blank look that could last for days. Sara despises her lack of feelings. Pearl hasn't lived with her ever, so maybe that's why she's stronger. She was not the one pregnant with Pearl. She didn't feed her. She didn't spend many nightly hours with her.
Not necessary…that's what Sara thinks. She thinks that's not a necessary factor because love should be there even if she's not her biological mother. Sara takes everything personally. She thinks I'm just saying this because I am a biological mother. I do believe, however, that Sara and Stacy would both die if something like this happened to Sally. We would all die. Sara is basically her mother and Stacy is too attached it hurts me sometimes. But I can't do anything about it because Sally is as attached.
Sara has suggested we spend the nights with Emy. We try to spend the days but sometimes we can't. It's the nights that are the scariest. Nights birth dark thoughts, Sara told me. At night is when the mind doesn't think clearly, when loneliness laughs in the silence, when fears and miseries scream in one's ears. At night thoughts jumble and rustle until those most dangerous, most vicious, most sinister emerge from within and become conspicuous in one's own brain.
Therefore, I spend my nights with her and on the weekends, when Sally is with Stacy, Sara replaces me. Sometimes I join them to give company if I don't have work or I'm not emotionally or physically tired.
And tonight is one of those tormenting nights. We put Emy in the middle and sleep next to her on the same mattress. We listen to her grievous cries and hush her silently. Her eyes have become too swollen to shine ever again. Too red to touch. The blue has faded from her irises. Too pale to marvel at. Her lips have become dry and too chopped to ever crave. Her cheeks have gone and vanished because she doesn't like to eat. Her hair has become greasy. Too greasy in fact. Sara forced her to wash it three days ago and stood right inside the bathroom when she was bathing. I guess Sara owes Emy for the time this woman has stood by her when she was at her lowest.
Next to those anguished snivels, come the wheezing lungs and sharp breaths and soft snores that Sara releases all night long. At one point even Emy notices and stops her weeping to listen to the heavy breaths.
"It's normal," I whisper. "Her allergies are acting up because of the weather." Emy resumes her tears after my assurances.
I fish for sleep but it's too hard to get when Emy is crying by my side and Sara is snoring by Emy's side. I eventually get up and walk to the kitchen to get some water. I do wonder when this misery is ever going to end. Will Emy ever forget her kid? How can someone even forget their kid!
I find the sleeping pills lying on the kitchen table. They haven't been helping Emy much, but I remember that Sara used to take them to sleep better at night when her anxiety kicked in. My anxiety medication already makes me sleep well but tonight I just can't seem to close an eye.
I end up swallowing a sleeping pill and then go back to the bedroom where I find Emy and Sara cuddling. Emy is quieter and Sara isn't snoring anymore. Maybe Sara woke up, maybe Emy woke her up. I get inside the covers and spoon Emy from behind. I hear a soft sniffle and a gentle hush. I kiss the back of Emy's head and close my eyes listening to the drumming of her chest from behind.
I sleep restlessly and dream of phantoms and specters haunting the black air at night. I dream of shadows and apparitions. I dream of ghosts and witches. I dream of my grandmother and my old house in New York. I dream of giving birth to Sally, except it's Pearl I'm giving birth to. I dream of Jessica and Joy. I dream of my first time and the guy that assaulted me. I wake up in fear and sweat. I wake up panting and almost in tears. I wake up finding nobody beside me.
I put my feet on the floor and walk hazily to the faint sound of crying that comes from the bathroom. I try to get my hair out of my face but the wet bangs keep falling on my eyes. My chest is clammy and full of sweat and so are my palms. I push the door open to find Sara and Emy sitting on the floor. Emy is in my lover's lap, crying like she has just lost her kid at this very hour.
Sara looks at me with distressed and concerned orbs. I scan her plea and join them on the floor. I give my fair share of the embrace and hush softly, but Emy's sobbing and bawling is just heartbreaking.
"I just wanna be with her," she says breathlessly. "I wanna be there with her. I have no purpose in life anymore."
I've heard these words before. I've heard them many times and I've witnessed these tears, too. It was just a different person and a different reason.
"Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me. She's the only one who loved me."
I eye Sara in apprehensive puzzlement. She has the same look on her face. Sara has been there but she got back on her feet because we helped her. Emy did. Mum did. Her parents did. I did, too.
"Emy, we love you," I try. "How can you say that?"
"You love each other not me. You pity me." A cry follows her pitiful words.
"Listen to me," Sara shouts angrily. The voice takes both of us aback and makes me back away from Emy when Sara holds her face in her hand. "Do you think this is going to get your daughter back?"
No, Sara. No, Sara.
"Imagine her witnessing this petty behavior. Imagine her here watching this." Emy just cries and I shake my head to stop Sara. Emy's too sensitive for this right now. "What are you trying to do? Commit suicide so you can be with her? Is this really an answer to you? That's how things are going to work for you?" Fuck, Sara, stop. You're just making her cry more. "You're the one who made me see clearly when I was miserable, Emy."
"You hadn't lost a daughter back then," Emy screams.
"I was at my lowest and you fucking know it." Don't fucking compare, Sara. "Emy, I know your pain is very big. I know how hurt you are. I know. If it was Sally, I'd be as devastated. I just don't want you to think that you have no one because if you didn't really, we wouldn't be here with you." I sigh in relief when Emy nods. "We love you and you know that too well. We've always loved you. If she didn't love you, she wouldn't be here night and day with you." Me…she's talking about me. I smile at her but she doesn't smile back. "Look, Pearl is always going to be in your heart and in our hearts and with you wherever you go, but that's the thing, honey. You have to move to find a better path. You will find someone again. You will fall in love. You can always try to have another child. With someone or on your own. But give yourself a break. Crying won't bring her back." Emy cries more, but these cries are grateful ones. Grateful for my sister and my lover. Sara takes her in her arms and continues, "Remember the beautiful times not the pain, Emy. Remember how in a better place she is. Remember how much you wanted the pain to go away, Em." Sara kisses her head which is against my sister's chest. "We're here with you because we love you and you know how far we've gone to make you happy."
"And we'll do it all again to make you feel good and happy," I add and get an approving nod from Sara. "We're here for you until you forget your pain and stop needing us in your life."
Emy sits up and takes a look at the two of us, scanning our identical eyes. "You guys are back together, aren't you?" She sniffles and wipes her nose with the tissues in her hand.
"We've been back for over a year now," Sara whispers.
"That's why you and Stacy…" Sara nods. "Wait, did she find out?" Sara nods again. "Shit." She sniffles one more time. "What happened?"
"Are we really gonna talk about this on a bathroom's floor at three in the morning?" I whine to get the conversation to be shifted till daylight. I have to get some sleep.
"No." Emy shakes her head. "No, we're not." She pushes her head in Sara's chest and closes her eyes. "I love you, Sara," she mumbles.
I know what she means by this. This is her true love for Sara. The one love that she hasn't ever gotten over. She doesn't just love Sara, she worships her. She can't live without her. She would like to be with her. She would do anything just to have her.
Me? I think I'm just a replacement. I'm the closest scent she could inhale to feel Sara. I don't really care because I know by now Sara loves with her mind while I love with my heart. I also know that no matter who Sara loves, I'll always be the one and only choice. Otherwise, she wouldn't have ruined her life to be with me. Sara could love Stacy and Emy and me, and we might all love her the same way. However, Sara loves me the most. I know this by now and jealousy doesn't have a place in my heart.
"And I love you, Tegan," Emy says after pulling my hand to get me closer to her. "I don't care if you're sisters. I know you love each other. You should always be together." My lover kisses my friend's head and my friend kisses her neck. "Don't leave me," she whispers.
"We won't, Emy," I assure her. "But, like Sara said, you need to give yourself a break."
"I'm trying." She wipes the last few teardrops and attempts to stand up.
We follow her into the bedroom and get back in the same position as before. This time Emy falls asleep before the two of us can, but we eventually do.
In the morning Sara cooks breakfast and tells Emy what has happened with her and Stacy while I make a few phone calls with my father. Sara was determined to make French toast and had to wake up before us to start with it.
Emy finally took a shower and the smell of her shampoo reminds me of the summer. Her storm of questions shows her aching curiosity. She asks about everything except the sex in hopes Sara would begin talking about it on her own. I know the idea is very clear in her head we do sleep together. We were caught in the act, after all. Well, almost. And I know Emy hates that she can't sleep with me anymore. However, when she realizes I've been sleeping with her all that time I've been sleeping with Sara, I swear I spot the glimmering hope in her eyes. Something I haven't seen in such a long time.
But it was a deal back then. Sara sleeps with Stacy, I sleep with Emy. We don't have Stacy anymore, so I don't think Sara would let me sleep with Emy.
Unless…
Well, I shouldn't think about it. Threesomes have never been the answer.
"I can't believe you were about to have a baby, Sara."
Why am I so horny right now? Fuck my thoughts.
"Like…your own baby."
I haven't touched Sara in a long time. Does she have to be walking around in these shorts right now?
"Tee?"
And that fucking blue top with no bra underneath. This is just too much.
"Tegan?"
I want those breasts in my mouth. My clit is going to burst.
"Tegan," a shout wakes me up from my indecent thoughts. Goddamn it. It's just the morning.
"Yeah. Sorry. What?" Sara furrows her brows at me and shakes her head. "What?"
"She's been calling you for the past minute," Emy says. "You were zoned out."
"Yeah. I got distracted." I wave them off and begin eating my breakfast watching Sara blow at her forked bite.
Those fucking lips.
Sara and I both go back home because Stacy needs a babysitter on Saturday afternoon and she thought she would ask Sara about it before getting one. Sara thinks Stacy's out on a date because her outing is definitely not work related. It's the weekend after all. I do hear the jealousy in her tone. I do smell the unjustifiable anger. I don't really get it, though. Why would she be angry or jealous? She has me. I am hers.
"Do you think she'll have the girl or the guy over and then sleep with them?" I roll my eyes at Sara who's mopping the floor as if it hasn't been cleaned for a century. "Because if so I can't have Sally there."
"No, you can't. You have to make sure she has no one over." I take the mop from her hand. "Stop doing that."
"What?" She takes it back. "It's dirty."
"You cleaned it two days ago," I reason loudly. "Your back will act up and then you'll moan about it all night long." She resumes her work with inaudible frustrated mumbling. "Sara, what the hell! I'm talking to you."
"Let me clean," she says dismissing me. "It calms me down."
No matter how old she gets, some aspects in her just don't ever change. She hasn't noticed that we haven't slept together in months now. This is basically the only opportunity we have and she's wasting it with cleaning.
"We should have sex," I voice my need. "It's been too long."
"Sally will be here at any second." She wipes her brow with the back of her hand and groans. Her back must be acting up. I shake my head when our eyes meet. "I'm not gonna let you fuck me when I'm dirty."
"You're not dirty," I say quietly. "Don't you miss it?"
"I do," she admits. "I really thought I'd spend the weekends with you when Sally's at Stacy's but then the Emy thing happened and…" She huffs irritatingly. "We gotta find time."
"Yeah." That's exactly why I fucking suggested this time. "Do you think Emy thinks that she can…" Ugh, fucking shut up.
"Huh?" She stops cleaning and looks at me with a hand on her hip.
"Umm…when we told her we're together she kinda had this look that…"
Sara nods with a smirk. "When you told her we'll do anything she wants to make her happy she thought about sex not when I told her we're together…"
"Oh, so you noticed." I clear my throat before I continue, "I mean I didn't really mean sex, but…" Fuck my life.
I can't even read her expressions with this poker face I'm given. Her silence is insufferable. Should I just take my words back?
"Sara, I didn't mean it…"
"Do you want to, though?" Sara interrupts me. "Sleep with her still?"
"Uh…" I don't know what I want. I don't want to see her sad. Sara is enough for me, anyway. "No," I say. "I wanna sleep with you. I just don't want her to feel like we don't care about her."
She leaves the mop and joins me on the couch. She takes a deep breath then a look into my eyes. "Sleeping with her doesn't mean we care about her." I guess she's right. "Working in therapy all these years has taught me how to read actions and behaviors, so I did get the vibe she was kind of trying to make it sexual with me a couple of times. Especially before knowing I was with you."
"She made a move?" Fucking Emy. She doesn't waste time.
"She cuddles and kisses my neck and touches my stomach. You know, the usual." I haven't been there with Sara last weekend so I haven't seen much. "And when you told her we'd do anything for her, she kinda understood it that way." I nod. I know she did. "If you're okay with it, I don't mind having sex with her or having a threesome or just…you know, giving her some pleasure a few times until she moves on but…" I think my face is as red as Sara's right now. This takes me back to those old times. "It's just that she can't really get used to us fucking her every time she's in a shitty place so she can feel better."
"You're right. It's…it's stupid anyway. We love each other and we should just, you know, be together without these complications." Sara hums and leans in to kiss me.
I do try to deepen the kiss to get her to succumb and sleep with me, but Sara has grown mentally and emotionally stronger and saying no is much easier to her now than before. She pushes me off and with a smug smirk leaves me to finish her work around the house.
Stacy drops Sally off after few minutes and has some talk with Sara at the door. I have only seen Stacy once after the whole incident. I was dropping Sally off at her place and she opened the door for me. She said a prude hello without even looking into my eyes. She took the kid and thanked me before closing the door.
Sally runs towards me to fill me in on the last three days since I haven't seen her. I've been with Emy all that time. She shows me the new stickers she's received from her teacher. She tells me about the fruitful conversation she and her friends have had about Disney princesses, and then she narrates a story about Stacy not allowing her to watch the movie she was watching last night.
"She thinks I'm too young," Sally complains with a whisper.
"That's because you are." At least Stacy is doing a good job in some parts. "Sit on the couch. Don't stand." Sally is very short and she usually stands on the couch when she wants to speak to one of us so she can be in the same eye-level as us.
"Can I sit on your lap?"
"Yes, sure." I love it when she shows so much affection towards me. She's such a sweet child despite her cold behavior and OCD.
She turns around to face me so she can continue her chatter. I hold her tiny hands and smile at her as I listen. "I am not young. I know how people kiss. I saw mummy and mummy kissing." Of course she did.
"It's not about kissing, honey." Sara closes the door and walks up to where we're sitting. "It's about the topics that are in the movie that might confuse you. Some things are just inappropriate and you might not understand them now and it's hard to explain to you. You just have to figure them out on your own…when…when you're older."
"Ugh. Everyone says I'll get it when I'm older," she whines loudly. Sara raises an eyebrow at her daughter when the angry kid folds her arms against her chest and glowers at the two of us. "I just wanna know everything." God, she's just like me. I've always wanted to know every little thing when I was younger and being left alone without much supervision or a mother to care did help me figure things out on my own but it also fucked me up.
"You'll know everything when you know everything," Sara says sternly. "Now go wash your hands so we can eat dinner," Sara orders and her daughter complies immediately.
"I'm impressed," I tell Sara when Sally leaves. "She really listens to you and doesn't argue."
"Yeah. It takes practice." Sara sighs. "Stacy's meeting up with her friends. She said they shamed her for disappearing all those months and she had to give in and see them." At least she's not seeing a lover if she's actually telling the truth. "And, honestly, she could use some fresh air because she looks like a ghost. Everyone's giving me the dirty looks at school thinking her weight loss is because of me." Which is actually true. It's because Stacy's a sensitive bitch and we literally fucked her life up.
But I really don't care.
"Yeah, yeah. Let's get dinner ready. I'm starving."
After dinner I leave Sara and Sally alone watching a movie in order for me to get some work done in my bedroom. I would have stayed but Sally hasn't stopped talking since she got here and I started to get a headache because she always requires everyone's attention when she speaks. She also demands full answers to her questions and only Sara is capable of giving her those with her tricky ways and experienced skills of parenthood.
I've never thought Sara would be such a great mother. I have to admit this part because I did doubt her abilities. In the past she was just too distracted and she never focused on details. When I first met her she was struggling with intelligence and academic work. She has changed so much. I guess she just required motivation and passion. But, still, Sara hasn't always been the one who was able to be in charge of things. She never really did take control. She's not assertive. She's very nice and very shy and not at all demanding. It seems like those past few years have changed her. I know I am part of the reason she's changed. The responsibility I've left her with has shaped her into a very independent woman. She's just a great mother right now. It actually does fascinate me how in charge of Sally's life she is. She knows exactly what Sally would say and do and she comes up with a suggestion, a solution, and an answer immediately. Unlike me, she doesn't struggle with Sally's momentary tantrums. I had to deal with an outburst of mood swings and anger a week ago that I just didn't know how to deal with until Sara came in and solved it with literally one sentence. Perhaps Sara has an authoritative voice since she's her mother, but I know that if I were the one in charge of this kid she'd be as messy as I was when I was a child. If I had had an attentive mother like Sally, my full potential and intelligence would have shown and my abilities would have been developed.
I guess Stacy, too, has a hand in all this. I have to give her credit. Mentally and never verbally, however.
I hear a knock on my bedroom's door while typing a couple of reports on my computer. I know who's knocking because it's a polite cute little knock like the person doing it. Plus, Sara never knocks.
"Come in," I say with a smile waiting for Sally to enter the bedroom.
She pushes the door slowly with a plate in her hand. "Can I come in?" she asks in her little chipmunk voice.
"Of course you can." Sally grins and comes inside with the plate in her hand. "What's this?"
"This is for you." She hands me the plate that has a small piece of Sara's delicious chocolate cake and a fork. "Mummy says this is dessert."
"Yummm." I love Sara. "Where's mummy?" I ask Sally who's climbing on the bed.
"She's taking a shower and she told me to come here and be with you."
I pat the place next to me and put the pillow against the headboard so she can lie against it. She takes off her shoes and sits where I tell her. I give her a little kiss on the head and go back to my work while she watches.
Sara comes in after a minute with a mug in her hands. "Hi, Tee. Can you keep her here while I shower?" She walks up to me and places the mug on the bedside table. The scent of coffee is strong and beautiful.
I fucking love Sara.
"Of course, babe." When silence prevails, I look up to witness Sara's alerted face. "Oh, I mean…" She shakes her head and bites her lower lip. "Of course I'll watch her." God, I didn't even notice. We really have to be careful.
"Sally, I want you to behave, okay?"
"Yes, mummy." She grins at Sara innocently.
"Don't talk too much because Teetee has to work."
"It's fine, Sare." I chuckle nervously at Sara. I don't know what to call her. I never notice what I call her. "Thanks for the dessert and coffee."
"No problem." She smiles and leaves the room. I really hope Sally didn't notice nor understand the petname I used.
She doesn't say anything. She just stays quiet as told while I enjoy my coffee and finish my report. I know staying quiet for too long is probably frustrating her. After all, Jeremy has never ever stayed quiet for a minute in his life and she took that part from him.
"Want some cake, Snowball?" I offer a piece to her to break the silence a little bit.
"No, thank you. I just had some." She's so fucking adorable and polite.
"Okay." I take a bite after the other and watch her from my periphery watching every bite I take. "Just one bite?" I offer again, pushing the fork towards her lips. She nods shyly and takes the bite, smiling in merriment.
Ugh. Fuck work. I don't get to spend too much time with her. I should do it more.
I push my laptop aside and remove my glasses. I begin to feed her the rest of the cake and, of course, she doesn't say no since food is her main love in life.
"Teetee," she asks while chewing on the chocolaty goodness, "are you done?"
"Working?" She nods while I wipe the chocolate on the sides of her lips. "Yes. I am."
"I can talk?" I laugh and give her a nod. "I want to ask a question."
"God ahead." I put the plate on the bedside table and grab my coffee mug.
"Why don't you have a baby?"
Oh…
Oh…I didn't expect this question to come from her.
"I mean…" What do I tell her? "I just don't." I don't want to give her the 'I'm not married' excuse because Sara and Stacy weren't married. I don't even know if they called their civil union marriage or not. She also should understand that babies come whether people are married or not. "I don't have a partner."
"Like a boyfriend?" she asks sheepishly.
"Yup." I smile at her. "Nor a girlfriend." I give her a little wink. Sara must have explained to her that people can be with men and women because she doesn't struggle with this.
"Get one."
"Why do you want me to have a baby?" I raise an eyebrow at her wicked smile. Her glittering, gleaming blue eyes expose her scheme.
"Because…" She giggles mischievously. "Because I want a baby," she whispers.
"Mhm." Sara did say Sally wanted a sibling like her classmates and that's part of the reason she and Stacy were trying. "You want a cousin?" She nods excitingly. God, Sally, you have no idea how much I'd like a baby for me as well. "The thing is…I don't think I can have a baby now."
"Why?" she asks with a frown. "You had a kitty before." Cindy died a year ago. I cried way too much when she did.
"A cat is different. Plus, I already have you." I wink at her to hear her giggle again. I attack her with tickles and kisses while she wiggles her feet in the air and moves her small hands wildly. "You're like my baby," I say to her. "Maybe one day when I have a lover I can have a baby with them, but right now I don't have one and I already have a cute little Snowball living here, so I don't want a baby."
"Maybe one day when I get old I can babysit your baby like you babysit me," she concludes happily.
"Yup. I look forward to that." I peck her ruddy cheeks and give her space to breathe.
Stacy picks her up at nine but she's already asleep in her room when Stacy arrives. Since both Sara and I can't really lift her, Stacy is forced to come in to pick her up and get her downstairs.
"She's getting so heavy," Stacy mumbles as she walks down carefully with Sara supporting her back in case she tripped or fell.
"We should have woken her up," Sara says.
"No. It's my fault. I'm late, I'm sorry." Stacy kisses the child's head and our eyes meet for a second. She averts her gaze immediately and I turn around to focus on the television screen once again. "Thank you, Sara."
"You're welcome," Sara answers sweetly. I can tell by her dulcet tone. I don't really mind her being civil around Stacy. It's actually much better for Sally. But she doesn't have to use her flirtatious tone because I know Stacy would get it the wrong way. I know Stacy's head over heels for Sara like every human being is and, just like Emy, she would have hope that Sara didn't intend to spark. "Goodnight," Sara whispers at the door with the same mellow octave.
"Night," comes the cold one from Stacy.
Sara closes the door and joins me on the couch.
"I was waiting for the goodnight kiss," I say with my eyes on the screen. She doesn't respond for a little while. I look at her only to find her burning holes into my face. "The fuck with these creepy silent looks you keep giving me?"
"Your jealousy amazes me." She rolls her eyes at me.
"I'm not jealous," I say. "Just noticing things out loud."
"I'm really not in the mood to argue with you, Tegan." She gets up with a frustrated huff. "We gotta get back to Emy's."
"I wanna have sex," I say. "Right now," I demand.
"Mmm…" She nods. "Okay." She quickly pushes me back on the couch and straddles me. I scream in response because the push was sudden and, might I say, violent.
"What the fuck?" I say as she showers my face and neck with kisses. "Sara," I moan unintentionally when she rubs me through my pants.
"Shut up and let me fuck you so we can get the hell out of here because I know you won't shut up about it."
I'm not bothered she's touching me; I'm just bothered with the way she's doing it. I didn't want such type of fuck even though I like it. It's just not the proper time to have some angry sex. Plus, I wanted to touch her, too.
Of course I don't say no to the sex. I want it badly and my clit has been aching all morning.
"Show your tits," I request. "So I can get wet."
She pushes my pants and underwear down and spreads my legs. She plays with the piercing on my clit then drags her index down to check my arousal. "You're already very wet," she says in a raspy, horny octave.
"Please," I beg. "Fuck," I scream when she pushes three fingers. "Seriously, slow down."
She giggles as if she's innocent when I can see the same mischievous smile Sally has had earlier on her face. Genes have played their trick well since Sally and Sara share a profound similarity in looks. "I just wanted to show you how wet you are."
"Take off your shirt," I ask again, sitting up gradually to reach for her plaid shirt. Before I can touch it, she begins unbuttoning the material. Once it's gone, the black bra underneath is unhooked from behind and thrown away. "Welcome home," I greet her tits with a smirk and she just wrinkles her face at me.
"Take off yours," she orders while thrusting in me. I am too dazed to move right now, so it takes me awhile to push up my hoodie until she gets frustrated by my slow movement and rids me off my top and sports bra.
"I wish I'm fucking you with a dildo," she voices.
"Go get it," I say. She raises one eyebrow at me. "I'm serious."
She huffs and pulls out of me. "Fine." I chuckle as I watch her walk upstairs.
"I'm gonna eat you out after," I shout from my place on the couch but hear no response from her.
She comes back after a few minutes already harnessed and ready for me with the green dildo we purchased a few months ago.
"Why over your pants, prude?" I ask as laughter escapes my lips.
"I don't know. I just did it quickly." She tries to position herself between my legs until we both bump our foreheads together and curse in sync. "This is giving me flashbacks."
"Of?" She sighs and gets up, pulling me down on the floor by my legs. "Hey," I shout, "just tell me to get down. I'm not a rag."
She giggles and shakes her head.
Wait. Flashbacks of the first time we two fucked. Damn, I remember it well. Except I was the one doing her and then she squirted on the couch in that dorm. Good times.
Eventually, we find our rhythm and fuck the way I've imagined and wanted while making out. When she gets tired, she tells me to top her and I do so as she rubs my clit. I play with her nipples and suck on them to get her hot and bothered, too. I want her all ready for a good fuck after I'm done.
"Are you…" she asks with brows raised when she realizes I'm contracting my muscles, "…doing the muscle thing with your pussy?" I laugh loudly and push my face in her neck.
"Mhm." I kiss her there behind her ear to hear the soft moan. "I love doing that. Gives me a stronger orgasm." I kiss beneath her collar to see her shudder. "It's like breathing in and out but from your cunt." I take a nipple in my mouth and pull at it to hear her scream. My dirty talk turns her on and she starts to thrust as well, meeting me half way as I ride the dick on top of her until I hit a nice orgasm.
I end up forcing myself to get up because she can't roll us around until she's on top of me to pull out. It takes some effort, but I do it then collapse next to her on the floor panting and high on pleasure.
"Sara," I call with eyes closed and head spinning.
"Yeah." I feel her breath on my nose and open my eyes to watch her honey eyes so close to mine.
"I did all the work fucking me so please don't make me do all the work fucking you."
"You don't have to fuck me," she says.
"Yes." I take a deep breath and sigh contently. "Just take off your pants and sit on my face.
"Umm…no," she says in an inaudible tone.
"Huh?"
"No," she says again loudly.
"Why?" I ask loudly, closing my eyes to enjoy the after sex serenity.
"I'm very…nesty."
"Nesty?" Ugh! Sara and her weird vocabulary. Some things just never change.
"Hairy," she says with a bashful giggle.
"Are you fucking serious?" I open my closed eyes to meet her red face. "We literally fucked with you hairy all over. I changed your bloody pad and wiped your ass after your accident. I ate you out plenty of times with the Amazon jungle on your vagina."
"Oh my God," she exclaims with loud, harmonious laughter. "You don't have to remind me." She covers her eyes and giggles like a child. "I forgot about that."
"I don't think that's something you forget about." I uncover her eyes and peck her nose. "We've done pretty crazy shit, Sara. Being hairy while sitting on my face is literally nothing compared to the shit we've done. Plus, when did I care about hair?"
She sighs through a shy smile. "I don't know. I guess I just…it's been a long time since…"
"You fucked a cucumber the first time we slept together after all those years," I remind her.
"It wasn't the first time we slept together after all those years. It was just the craziest time we slept together after all those years. Plus, you forced me to." I nod knowingly. "Ugh. Fine. Prepare your tongue." She gets up quickly to get rid of the phallus and her pants.
"My tongue is ready, babe." I wink as I watch her remove her soiled underwear. "Come here. Get me that pussy."
When she finally wraps her thighs around me and takes a taste of my tongue on her engorged clit, I swear I witness the most satisfied, relaxed sigh I've ever seen on her face. Her eyes close momentarily as I begin to suck on that sweet button while she begins to rock herself on me.
"Good girl," I whisper before flicking my tongue against her labia. "I missed these long lips." I bite on them to get a reaction out of her then lap my tongue back against her clit.
I get her to orgasm in no time and we lie there together for a little bit as I fill her in on Sally's questions earlier in the room. She doesn't seem so surprised or shocked because Sally really wants a baby brother or sister in her life.
While washing up and getting dressed an idea hits me but I soon shake it off when we're in the car driving to Emy's place in peaceful silence.
What if we just run away and start a family like we've intended to do? We could live as sisters in front of Sally and as lovers in secrecy. If Sara wants, she can carry the baby and it would be a brother or a sister to Sally. If she doesn't, I can carry the baby again and they'll be a cousin to Sally. That way we won't feel shame from everyone for living together. We won't get dirty eyes. We won't even hear the guilt after every sex or every kiss like we are doing right now in the car. People would just assume we're sisters and nothing is there between us. Sara could change her last name to Quin so people wouldn't get confused on the whole Quin / Smith thing. It also means she's my wife. God, I'd love to make her my wife. Two sisters living together with their kids or one sister's kids…what's so harmful about that?
But it just won't work. There's Stacy who has custody. There's Emy who needs us. There's my job and Sara's job. There's mum and there's dad. Everything would stand in our way like it usually does.
"Whcha thinking?" Sara asks. "You're so quiet."
I shrug and give her a smile. "Nothing really. Just everything."
"Nothing but everything?"
"Do you ever feel guilty after we have sex?"
She chuckles and turns her head to face the empty road. "Never did. Never will do," she answers simply. "I've never felt guilty for loving you."
"Even when you found out?"
"Maybe the first few days, but…I just love you, Tegan. I don't feel guilty for loving you. I'm not harming anyone. I have to live with this love all my life so if I feel guilty about it, then I'll have to live my life with guilt."
"You're just amazing," I compliment her. I wish I were her.
"I felt guilty for being with Stacy and lying to her. I felt guilty leading Emy on back in the days. I felt guilty for not feeling like I was worth something good in the past…but never felt guilty for loving you or having Sally." I give her a nod and wipe a tear that has forced its way out of my eyes. "I know it's harder for you, Tegan. I know it hurts you and you are very brave to put up with your inner struggles. Trust me, I know."
"You do?" I wipe my nose with the back of my hand and quickly receive the wipes box she keeps in my car because she can't handle someone wiping their nose with anything but wipes.
"Of course." She chuckles. "I love you for trying. I love you for working so hard to be the best version you can be."
"I love you, too," I say with more tears and a cringe-worthy sob.
"Aww, babe." She gives me a side hug and laughs sweetly in my ears. "Are you PMSing?" she asks me jokingly.
"No." I shake my head. "I don't PMS. That's you." We both know how terrible her PMS can get and how angry and bitchy she becomes.
"Well…you tend to get sensitive, so…"
"Fine, I am," I admit. "I'm supposed to period anytime this week."
"I know you too well." She smirks triumphantly then gasps with soft laughter. "That's why you wanted to fuck so badly." Her laughter increases in tone until she begins to snort. I just join her with my tears.
When we arrive to Emy's, we find her crying on Pearl's bed. Sara kneels down with soft awws and faint gasps to ask her what's wrong. I stay standing as I take in the devastating look in front of me.
"I thought you'd never come back tonight," Emy cries. "I can't stay alone." This is terrible. This is really bad. Her eyes are so puffy and red and the sight itself stings mine.
Sara looks at me with regretful blinks and I know the guilt has crept its way up to her brain. We've been fucking and laughing for the past two hours while our best friend has been drowning in her misery.
"Stacy took too long to pick Sally up," Sara explains. "Then I showered," she lies. "Then Tegan showered." At least she didn't say we showered because Emy would think we showered together.
Emy just nods without saying any word. Sara kisses her temple and more tears escape. Emy is lonely and miserable, but giving up like this will not help her.
I finally sit down where her socked feet are lying. "What did you do, Em?" I ask.
"Nothing," Emy responds.
"At all?" Sara questions worriedly. "Didn't I tell you to read that book?" Sara gave her some book to read. I don't know what it involves but Sara said it might get her distracted.
"I'm not in the mood to read." She sniffles and turns around on her side to face Sara's seated form. Sara is now sitting on the floor with crossed legs.
"What are you in the mood for?" Stupid question, Sara.
"I don't know." Another sob comes out of Emy's lungs. "I just want my baby." Sara sighs and gives me the same look I received seconds ago.
"Baby, please accept the fact that Pearl is in a better place. Come on, Em. We've gone through this."
"You don't get it," Emy shouts at Sara. It's loud and it's scary. "Get away from me." Sara looks at me again but this time with apprehension and concern.
"Okay," she whispers and leaves the room quickly. I really hope she doesn't end up crying.
"Em…" I begin to speak.
"Are you, too, gonna give me that psychology bullshit?" she cuts me off. She sits up and drags her legs up then buries her face in her knees.
"You know my expertise stops at business management and yelling at bitches at work." I hear a chuckle. Thankfully. "Sara's just trying to help, Emy. She's just doing what she's good at."
"Fuck her," Emy says.
I don't really respond because that was rude and insensitive. We could just neglect her and not come back. We could stop caring. We could just leave.
"You know, she's the one who nagged about coming here earlier but we had to…shower."
Emy chuckles and looks up at me. "So are you gonna make me feel like you're doing me a favor coming here?"
"Emy, you literally just said we can't leave you alone and that you need our help and now you changed your mind. I don't get it." No response. Just blank stares from a tear-stained face. "Now I'm at my wits' end with you because, yes, we are doing you a favor which you obviously don't appreciate. We have a daughter to be with and a life and a job and we're here day and night because you refuse to leave this shit place and change some scenery."
"Fuck you," she screams in my face.
"No, fuck you," I scream as well. "What's wrong with you? Your daughter was sick. You fucking wanted her to rest. You told me that. You lived the past three years working as a nurse for her. Is this how a woman in her thirties should live?"
"She's my daughter," she says dramatically with emphasis on my.
"And now she is finally in peace and you can finally have a fucking life. But no, you don't want that. You just wanna mop and mourn and feel sorry for yourself then yell at us for being here for you."
More tears follow. More heavy tears and sad snivels. I just sigh and wait for her to cry it out.
"It just hurts," she eventually says, a bit calmer than before.
"Of course it does," I use a calmer tone as well. "It will hurt but it doesn't mean that you have to stop your life because it does. Emy, you know what I've been through. I lost my baby when she was a day old." Emy nods, finally not arguing. "I know it was my decision but it also hurt and it still hurts when she sits in front of me and tells me about her fucking mother who took her to the entertainment park or baked her favorite cake or read her a bedtime story or even picked her up from school." She knows I'm talking about Stacy because I can see the sympathy in her eyes. It's softer now. It's more aware. "I'm not trying to compare my pain to yours. I'm just showing you that giving up is not really going to work for you."
"Sometimes you just want to feel sad," she says, resting on the mattress again and staring at the ceiling above. "You just want to embrace this feeling because it's all you have from that person. You know, the pain they gave you."
"Feeling sad is fine," I tell her. "It's healthy," I continue. "But hurting others isn't really an answer."
"I'm sorry I yelled at her like that," she says. "I just don't want all that hopeful bullshit right now."
"You know too well Sara is someone who's suffered too much in their life and whatever hopeful bullshit you think she's saying is actually something true and experienced." I only get a shrug. "She loves you, you know." Then a chuckle. "The way you love her. She loves you that way." Her brows furrow. "Oh, come on. You know Sara and her multiple lovers issue."
"And you're okay with it?"
"I found peace with it."
"You're okay with her sleeping with me?"
Sneaky. "Well, no." Here's the disappointed look. "It'll break my heart but…." But what, idiot? "But if she wants to, I really…I don't have a saying."
"Really?" She smiles at me with confusion masking her features. "Come on, Tee. I know you."
"I mean I'd sleep with you, too. Just to compensate."
"Wow." I see her grinning. Finally.
"There it is. Just say you wanna sleep with us," I joke to get her to laugh but her smile falters and her lips tremble as truth shows itself. "Mmmm. I see."
"No, no, no." She sits up and puts her feet on the floor. "Don't get me wrong." She huffs. "I love you all and would love to have sex with you two but I wouldn't want to hurt you or her or cause anything to go wrong."
"Good." I sit closer to her to give her a hug. "You should talk to Sara." She nods.
I try to leave them alone to talk it out and make up, but Sara asks me to stay there in the living room. I'm not so good with this heart-to-heart shit and it is a bit cringe-worthy to me. I've never been good with my feelings. I guess that's how my anger issues accumulate. I did learn how to be open with Sara, though. Emy is not a stranger, but the whole dynamic of her being this dramatic broken person and we're the awaited fix is just too tired by now.
She wants sex. I know it. Sara obviously can see it. It's just obvious. She wants sex and she wants to forget by sex.
On the bright side, Sara is actually trying to help her mentally and psychologically. It's nice to watch because it does remind me of my mother's methods. They both share the same way of speaking. Sara uses her hands like my mother. She also has this soft, comforting tone that my mother has. She really is her first born.
Sara also advises Emy to see a therapist to which Emy responds that Sara is one. However, Sara argues that she is a friend and her judgment might be a bit too emotional. Sara suggests a therapy group to Emy but I can see she's not very interested through her nods and twitches.
"Did you eat anything?" I ask her to find an excuse to leave. She shakes her head. "That's not good. I'll make you something to eat."
"I cooked," Emy whispers. Sara's eyes widen in excitement and I just furrow my brows.
"So you did do something."
"Cooking helps me. I thought you'd come home for dinner."
"I could eat more," I say. I'm not really hungry, but I don't want her to feel bad. "What did you make?"
"Umm…" She blushes. I can see it. "It's nothing. It's just...I grilled some chicken breasts with vegetables and mashed potatoes." Sara's jaw almost falls down and her stomach immediately growls.
"Okay, looks like someone's hungry again." I grin at them and get up quickly. "I'll prepare the table. You do you…" I wave at them awkwardly and walk away.
We could use a drink, too. Emy has vodka which is nice but Sara doesn't like vodka much. She's such a wine lady. I sometimes joke and call her a walking stereotype when it comes to motherhood. Her response would be the middle finger if Sally's around and not looking, a whispered 'fuck you' if Sally's around and looking, or 'Oh, fuck yourself' if Sally's not around. I do enjoy her filthy mouth. Some things just don't change with her.
Just when I think they'll stop with the life coaching shit, Sara begins another topic going back to her old depression days. "Getting up and doing something is actually a good thing." I sigh and both of them notice.
"Sorry. Don't mind me. I just burned my tongue." Emy knows why I sighed but Sara is oblivious.
"Anyway, it's the first step to taking control over your life." Emy just nods, clearly fed up with the whole talk. "Remember when I was very depressed?" We both nod. How can we forget, anyway? "You and Amber used to make me…"
"Walk down the apartment or make tea because you didn't even wanna shower." This time Sara's the one who nods. "Yeah. I get you."
"We're here with you step by step, but you have to be here for yourself, too." I kick Sara's leg from underneath the table. She notices and looks at me. I give her a look to shut up, but Emy gets it and Sara doesn't. "I'm sorry…am I saying something…"
Emy sighs and leaves her fork. "I'm just…like I get you, but I don't really want to talk about this self-help stuff too much. Sometimes I get fed up, because I'd just want to feel the pain for a bit." Sara looks down at her plate with a nod. "Don't be upset with me. I…I wish you'd get it…"
"No, you're right," Sara speaks softly. "I'm being a naggy twat right now." Unwillingly, I snort at her choice of words. Emy chuckles in response. "Yeah, umm, I do know what you mean. I guess…I guess I just really want to see my best friend back again." Her voice breaks a little. "It's like I'm trying so hard without considering that pain takes a little while to heal."
Emy touches her hand on the table and gives it a squeeze. "You're a beautiful human being. You've always been, Sara." I study the encounter silently while sipping my drink. What if they're the ones who've always been meant for each other? They just look beautiful together, like puzzle pieces ready to be matched. Not like a sick project of sisterhood gone wrong.
I let my jealousy burn me through the tossing and turning of the night. We're in the same position as the previous one but Emy is cuddled up with me instead and Sara's spooning her now.
At least we don't get any interruptions. She finally sleeps a full night for once. She even wakes up after us. I wake up first, then Sara. We spend the time surfing the internet on our phones until soft chatter is shared. We talk about the previous night in hushed whispers and I share my concerns with my lover.
"This is not going to work, Tegan," she whispers.
"What do you mean?" I whisper back.
"You can't keep…you know…predicting I'll leave you and be with someone else."
"It's not that," I whisper a bit loudly and make Emy stir. "I can just see your…your affection towards…her." I point at the sleeping figure next to me. "It's strong, Sara."
"I'm a slut. I can't help it," she says normally. I shush her. "I'm never going to cheat on you."
"I just think…" I sigh and pause to make sure Emy's still asleep. "I think it'll eventually happen and we'll sleep together…all of us. You obviously want it."
"You want it, too," she says. That was a trap. I just wanted her to admit it, and she did.
"So you do?"
"Do you?" she asks without an answer.
"What do you want?"
"I want you," she says. "I told you that."
Emy groans. "Guys, stop talking." Fuck. I hope she hasn't heard anything.
"But you also want…"
"What's going on?" Emy interrupts me. Her blue eyes are uncovered and they look so fresh and so calm. And, good God, so fucking beautiful.
"Do you wanna have sex with us?" I ask bluntly.
"Huh?" She sits up a little bit, blinking confoundedly.
"Do you want…," Sara takes a deep breath and continues, "Do you think that sleeping with Tegan again will help you in any way?"
"What?" I shout. "What about you?"
"And me?"
"I don't…I'm not following up."
"Oh, for fuck's sake. Wanna have a threesome?" I ask loudly.
Maybe I do want it as much as Sara does.
We're sick. We are fucking sick.
"I mean…" Emy shrugs. "Yeah?"
Sara leans in to kiss her immediately. Just when I think I'm about to be a watcher, Sara grabs me by my collar and kisses me right after.
I can't believe we're doing this again.