Sara
"I saw God…I saw God. Oh my, God, I saw God." I honestly can't get these words out of my head…and not in the positive way I can't get the words out of my head. It's actually a bit cringe-worthy to me and a tad funny.
Emy's orgasms have always been an exotic experience to my ears. Now Tegan and I curse, moan, whine, and scream. We never sound so desperately anguished as her. It's like someone is whiplashing her even though she gets the softest sex out of us three. Tegan, especially, is even more delicate to her than I. Still, we like to please her together to enjoy whatever shit she'll be screaming.
Today it was about her seeing God while reaching an orgasm because it was just too strong. She swore she saw her life ending. She swore she was going to faint. I told her that's not the same as seeing God but she insisted it's what death means.
Now she's collapsed on Tegan's mattress face first and naked while I'm sitting on the chair in the corner of the room with my phone in hand, waiting for Stacy's call to reassure me that my daughter is safe and sound with her in Florida.
I know…I know getting Sally to travel alone with Stacy is something I haven't ever thought I would do. However, during those past two years, Stacy has proved she can be a great mother. Even Tegan affirms this. When Stacy suggested the vacation, I refused. She had to sit with Tegan to convince her. Tegan had her own concerns which were different from mine. She didn't think Sally should really visit Stacy's dad and brother thinking they are her family, but Stacy told her she already thinks that and not visiting them will only spark suspicion.
My concerns are different because I focus on the safety aspect more. I'm not used to Sally spending weeks away from me. It makes me nervous and scared. Stacy argued that I have taken Sally with me to Toronto for an entire month during summer break and she didn't have a saying and she also missed her when she was there.
She was able to persuade and offer evidence. She nagged and begged and promised she would call every day. Tegan told her she'd sleep on it so she could discuss it with me then she'd get back to her. Eventually, we found it to be a way for us to have as much sex as we want without any interruptions so we yielded.
I eventually rented out the apartment opposite to Tegan's place—the same one she used to live in when I lived in her place years ago. When it became empty a year ago, Tegan immediately informed me and I sought for it. However, I do really want to buy my own property but the money I have isn't suitable for that just yet. I have some savings for Sally's future needs. I also have some savings for my PhD. I've been thinking about going back to grad school soon but I haven't told anyone.
Sally's growing up quickly. She's almost eight now—will turn eight in March, so basically three months from now. Life hasn't changed much for me. I'm still with Tegan and occasionally fucking Emy whenever we three are free and around each other.
We never do it at my place. It's always at Tegan's. Sometimes at Emy's new place, but we prefer Tegan's because that's where we keep all the sex toys and the filth. Emy stayed with me for awhile until she found her own apartment a block away from us.
She's dealt with terrible years of sadness and depression but now she's much better and much healthier. However, she's still single, and, sometimes, still is a pain in the ass when she decides to be dramatic all of a sudden.
As for Stacy, she met a guy a year and a half ago and broke up with him three months ago. It was the worst time for me and Sally because Sally wasn't allowed to spend a lot of time there when he was around and I wasn't able to go anywhere or have Tegan for me when she was around.
I hated that guy and had many arguments and fights with Stacy about him. I didn't want him to be close to Sally or Sally to be close to him. Tegan, especially, didn't think twice before saying no. She had her own reasons why Sally shouldn't spend nights with Stacy when the man was around. Her trauma was much heightened during that time that she called way too much during the nights to make sure I hadn't sent my daughter to Stacy's.
Most of my times with Sally are spent in studying. I sit with her when she does her homework and I explain every detail for her when she comes back from school because I always fear she might not get something so quickly and would be too embarrassed to tell me, and then she would neglect it and would find difficulty during her tests. That's what used to happen to me. I never told my mother when I didn't understand something in class until I just stopped caring altogether because of the accumulative work I had neglected.
Sally is smart, however. I can tell that easily. Everyone can, actually. It doesn't take me a long time to get the information in her brain and she's very perceptive and quick. But if she's hungry or sleepy, she just doesn't accept any new information and blocks me completely. And if she's angry or irritated, we end up with a tantrum of her crying and screaming. I try my best not to lose my temper around her but sometimes she gets too much so I end up grounding her. Stacy faces the same problems, too. But Sally is calmer around Stacy because she's easier than me when it comes to Sally's discipline. She tries not to cross too much boundaries because she knows too much of anything will get Tegan to haunt her down.
During our free time, however, we have the best moments of our lives. We either watch a movie together at home or at the cinema, or we play music. I have taught her how to play guitar and I think she will be a really good guitarist. Sometimes we bake together while she tells me stories about her friends at school. Other times we dine out either the two of us or with Tegan tagging along.
Tegan has been teaching her basketball even though her doctor has warned her against it many times due to her previous issues with her uterus. She's careless, of course, and wouldn't even listen. I don't say much because I enjoy watching my child having fun.
Sally's questions have increased and her inquiries about the world are growing. Now her questions are smarter, focused, and more detailed aiming to find the right answers. She's not a shy person, but sometimes she gets awkward when she wants to ask about something new. It often happens when we're baking or at nights when we're cuddled up watching a movie. Surely, I explain to her everything in a way her brain would understand but sometimes she's just not convinced.
She's asked about sex many times and I had to tell her the scientific approach of it so she wouldn't be too shocked. However, asking about what's an egg and how women have eggs led me to give her the period talk, which only disturbed her and left her shocked that she forgot about the sex conversation all together. I told Stacy to give her the period talk again and she said she would wait for some time to pass until she did so she wouldn't really astound her way too much.
She's also asked about homosexuality and how I knew I was gay. That was easy to tell her and fun to explain. It made her cry at the end. She can be very sentimental like Tegan. She hugged me and didn't let go for awhile.
Apparently she has asked Tegan and Stacy the same question. Tegan gave her a very short easy version and Stacy told her she didn't know how to explain it because she didn't have a story like me and it just felt natural to her. I think she enjoyed my story the most but took Stacy's answer to be the best. As for Tegan's, she felt annoyed because Tegan didn't open up. When I told Tegan, she felt weirded out a child her age could tell if someone was hiding something. I'm not sure how children are but I know my daughter is very observant and can tell when something is harbored from her knowledge if the keeper of the secret isn't smart enough.
My phone finally rings and, without having to look at the screen, I can tell it's Sally calling from Stacy's phone.
"Hi, mummy," Sally greets excitedly.
"Hi, Snowball," I respond back with a chuckle. "How are you, baby?"
"I'm greatttttt," she screams happily then giggles. Meanwhile Tegan comes inside as I giggle along with my daughter. "Today we went to Disney World and, oh my God, mummy, it was amazing," she screams on the phone, making me push it away from my ear a little bit.
Tegan furrows her brows at the face I have just made when Sally screamed and I just smile at her. "Okay, calm down, baby. Calm down." I'm happy Sally's having fun but sometimes I worry when she gets too energetic. It either means no rules were given or Stacy let her eat huge amounts of sugar. "Tell me what you did. Come on; tell me about your day."
As Sally begins narrating her fantastic day full of excitements and joy, I scan my lover's body as she moves around in the room. Her beige colored granny panties do contrast with any activity we've done earlier and with the image she usually tries to portray. Her ass is full and inviting. She's just so beautiful.
Tegan is the COO at her father's Vancouver branch at the moment and she's doing such a great job. Stephen is so proud of her and her development. I am proud, too. She has worked so hard on herself and her issues almost seem none-existent now.
However, she does travel a lot right now. She goes to all those faraway places and I just miss her. She works too much that sometimes she forgets to eat. Traveling sometimes affects her mental health, but she quickly regains her vigor as soon as she's back on track when she's given a vacation or a few days off.
Sometimes I do sense the feeling she is sad but when I ask her about it, she doesn't really say much. She does share to me that she has terrible mood swings when she overthinks and the best way to deal with them is to be left alone to deal with her anger or sadness, so I just give her space. Other times she's so happy and hyper just like her daughter that I don't even recognize something has bothered her ever. She would jump around and talk loudly and play with Sally or begs everyone to go out.
Then there are those times she's just too sexual and can't get enough sex. I'm forty now and my body gets exhausted easily but hers is just a machine at times. She's fun in bed, though. Even when Emy's not around and I'm home alone, she manages to convince me to go over to her place for a quick fuck but we just end up staying till the morning having sex. Sometimes she stops by my place, too. We have sex on my bed for awhile until a call interrupts us or I get tired. She's the only one who's allowed to have sex with me in my apartment.
Her relationship with Sally has become so wonderful lately. Sally is very trusting towards her. She's the cool aunt who is also wise and gives good advice to Sally. Tegan feeds off this affection because it's everything she's ever wanted. When Sally decides to talk to her about something, Tegan takes it very seriously to give the best answers and pieces of advice possible.
Two months ago I was shocked to learn that Sally had told her about a boy from grade four kissing her on the playground. Tegan was furious to learn that while I just thought it was a bit funny. The funny part, also, is her telling Tegan but not me, thinking Tegan would be cool about it and I would be angry. She is also too shy around me and Stacy to tell us such things. But Tegan is still her mother and she's still very protective of her. While I thought it was just cute childhood romance, she was scared that her daughter would end up a sex machine like her. I had to reason with her because the kid is not even eight yet and there is no reason to be so angry about it.
When Sally's finally done with her story about her day, I ask a couple more questions about Stacy and whether Sally's had a shower in the morning and how many meals she's had so far and what she's had for dinner. Then it's her turn to ask me what I've had for dinner, but I haven't had a thing because I've been fucking and getting fucked since five and right now my stomach is groaning in hunger.
"I've had some mac and cheese with Teetee," I lie to her.
"Yummy," she says. "I want Teetee's mac and cheese." Which is basically box mac and cheese because Tegan would rather do anything but spend time cooking a proper meal. But my daughter loves it because it's greasy and full of fat.
"When you get back home, I'll get her to cook you some." I wink at oblivious Tegan.
"I can't wait." I laugh a little.
I chat a little bit more then we say our goodbyes.
"Seems like Sally's having the best time of her life," Tegan says.
"She is." I yawn. "Aren't you hungry?"
"I'm exhausted." She puts her head on her pillow next to snoozing naked Emy. "Don't you wanna sleep?"
"After she saw God on your bed? No, thank you." Tegan giggles and Emy groans. "Oh, you're awake."
"Mmmm," she says.
"Yeah. Change the sheets, I'll sleep. Otherwise, no." Not after she squirted on it.
"No point changing it now when we're dirty, too." Tegan's right. We'll just get the sheets to be dirty.
"You're just jealous you don't squirt anymore," Emy teases.
"Fuck you, Emy." I get up and search for my pants. I don't remember where I have taken them off. "A good orgasm isn't necessarily a squirt fest."
"What are you searching for?" Tegan asks while stroking Emy's hair.
"My fucking clothes." Both Tegan and Emy snicker. "What?"
Emy turns around with a yawn. She reaches for the duvet to cover her naked body because neither I nor Tegan can take our eyes off her nudity. "Your clothes are downstairs, dummy," she reminds me. "You were so horny you couldn't wait till you got to the room."
No. That's not how things went. I was first eaten out by her downstairs until we decided to move the action upstairs.
"Ugh, whatever." At least I have my underwear on. "I'll go down to make something to eat, anyway. I can't sleep hungry."
"Lucky you, you don't have to go to work tomorrow," Tegan says. "God, I wish I worked at a school. Just vacations half of the year."
"That's literally the worst misconception about teachers or school staff," I argue. "We really deserve the vacations because you have no fucking idea how hard it is to deal with motherfucking children."
"You're not even a teacher," Emy says.
"Worse, she's a counselor. Meaning she deals with the worst kids," Tegan clarifies before I lose my temper. "Look, I'm sorry, but sometimes I wish I would just get a time off without having to beg for it. My body literally aches like a bitch and I'm just thirty-four."
"That's because of the sex, babe," I say, smirking at her blushing face.
"I have to go to work, too." Emy sighs. "Then I'm meeting this woman I see at group therapy. She's invited a couple of friends over and invited me, too."
"Ohhh, nice," Tegan says, looking down at Emy while still playing with her hair. "Which one?"
"The one with the dead husband and kid." Emy sneezes. "Tegan, stop playing with my hair. My shampoo gives me allergies." She sneezes again. "I have to change it. The smell makes me sneeze."
Tegan takes a whiff off her hair then starts sneezing, too. "Eww, what the fuck is this shit?"
"Some organic shit I saw an ad for. Thought it will make my hair healthy again, but it just smells like shit and makes me sneeze all the time. " I roll my eyes at them and wave before leaving downstairs.
…
Tegan and I drive to the airport to pick up Sally and, unwillingly, Stacy. Of course Sally runs to me and suffocates me with a tight hug. We two almost collapse because she's getting taller and I'm getting weaker. Then she gives Tegan a hug while I awkwardly greet Stacy. Once we're in the car, Sally's loud and energetic blabber starts and only stops when we're home. Stacy told me she's had a couple of snacks on the plane apart from the food.
However, when she enters my apartment she declares being hungry. Tegan and I share a look of concern but then Tegan says she'll order something for us to eat.
"Why don't I just cook something?" I suggest instead. Stacy told me she's just had her plane meal and I don't want her to have some greasy fast food right now.
"Aren't you tired?" Tegan asks. I've had a fever all night long and I have no idea why but I woke up sweaty and broken. Now I'm much better seeing my child.
"No. I'm fine. I'll see what I have." I take a look at Sally unzipping her suitcase on the floor. "Leave it for now, baby. I'll unpack for you tomorrow. I'm a bit tired now."
"No. I got you and Teetee presents."
"Oh, my God, I love presents," Tegan chants, walking up to the suitcase like a child on Christmas morning.
I sit down on the couch waiting for Sally to show us what she's gotten. It's thoughtful of her to think of us but I don't want her taking money from Stacy to get us anything.
"Mummy, this is for you." She hands me a red bag then hands Tegan a blue one. "Teetee, this is for you."
I take a look inside to find goodies from Disney World which, of course, are princess themed because she's just so obsessed with princesses. I thank her with a kiss and a tight hug. She blushes immediately and hides her face away from me.
However, Tegan's reaction is the best. She squeals like a little girl taking out all the sweets and candies then the Mickey Mouse T-Shirt and the Minnie hat. Then it hits me that Sally is actually a copy of her mother when it comes to the obsession of Disney characters or animation. I remember the first time I met Tegan she was in Mickey Mouse boxers and her duvet had Ninja Turtles characters on it. She used to think a great gift is a SpongeBop SquarePants pillow.
She grabs Sally and picks her up to shower her with kisses. Sally's giggles are bells of merriment to my eyes. But I worry about Tegan picking her up so I start tsking while glaring at her.
"What?" she calls idiotically.
"Your fucking uterus." Sally gasps and covers her mouth. "Oops." Her face turns a dark shade of red while Tegan and I both bite our bottom lips as I suppress laughter inside my chest.
"Is a uterus the one you told me about?" Sally asks when she's down on the floor once again. "Where the baby is stored inside?"
"Mhm." My eyes meet Tegan's raised brows.
"What's wrong with your uterus?" Sally asks her mother…or her aunt. Tegan is so shocked she has no answer. The only response Sally receives is a beet face and bulging eyes.
"She hurt it once and she shouldn't be picking up heavy things," I save Tegan. She takes a deep breath.
"How did she hurt it?" Sally inquires again. I sigh.
"She lifted something so heavy and it was hurt." Sally looks back at Tegan with furrowed brows.
"Do I have a uterus?" Tegan nods because the question is directed towards her. "I should not hold heavy things."
"No, honey," I say chuckling. "You and I are both fine. You can pick up whatever you want."
Sally is so confused and Tegan is too nervous but, thankfully, my daughter doesn't focus much on such details and takes the answers as they are when she doesn't have much knowledge. She changes the subject immediately by declaring her hunger and I get to the kitchen to prepare something to eat.
Tegan leaves to her place after few hours and I'm left with my daughter talking about her trip and the family members she has enjoyed seeing. She tells me about Stacy's brother and his children and how much fun she's had with them. She tells me about how Stacy's father has spoiled her with gifts every day. She shows me the many clothes, toys, and accessories she's bought.
"Mummy, close your eyes," she asks me.
"Hmmm…why?" I look at her suspiciously. Her red cheeks darken in color as she grabs my hands in her tiny ones and pulls them closer to my eyes. "Alright. Alright." I cover my eyes and close them.
"Don't cheat," she instructs while I laugh a little. I feel a weight on my lap. It's not heavy but it's weighty enough to feel. "Don't touch." I nod. I feel one more thing placed on my lap. "Now you can open."
I take a look at my lap as I'm seated on the living room floor next to the opened suitcase and I find three items: a photo album with my picture and Sally's when she was a baby, a yellow T-shirt with my picture and Sally's as well but when she was a toddler, and then I find a white box placed on the left leg. Both the album and the T-shirt have the words Mummy and Snowball on them, but I don't know what's inside the white box.
"What's this, Snowball?"
"More gifts for you," Sally says. "Mummy told me to show them to you on your own so Teetee wouldn't be jealous." I nod because I can't say anything. I'm just trying to wrestle the tears in my eyes. I open the album to find pictures of me and Sally since her infanthood till now.
"Did mummy help you make this?" Sally nods with a toothful smile. "And the shirt?"
"We made two," Sally says. "Blue one for me and her and a yellow one for you and me…because you love yellow…she said to me." I nod with a giggle.
"What about the box?" I touch the box waiting for her permission to open it.
"It has a shirt," Sally exclaims. She opens it for me where I find a white button up shirt like the one Stacy spilled coffee on last month at school. We bumped into each other when I was going into her office and she was leaving. Thankfully the coffee wasn't hot, but it left a huge stain that she offered she'd clean up for me but I just refused and threw it away because it was old.
"That's such a beautiful shirt." Why does Stacy have to be so nice? "Thank you so much, my baby." I give her a side hug and kiss her cheek again. "Mummy bought all that?"
"No." Sally giggles. "It was me…from the money you gave me." Oh, I forgot I gave her money, too. "I gave it to mummy to help me buy those things…but then I finished it and couldn't get Teetee more things."
"You don't have to get us anything, honey." I give her another kiss.
"I love getting things," she says with a giggle. "It makes me feel good." Shit, she's a spendthrift like Tegan.
I let her help me unpack and get everything back to its place in her closet then I tuck her in and leave the room. I text Stacy asking if she's awake or not and she responds almost immediately with a 'yes.' I call her right after her response.
"Hey, is everything okay with Sally?"
"She's perfectly fine," I assure calmly. "I just wanted to thank you for…for making her have the time of her life." I don't know why I'm getting emotional, but before I know it I'm crying pathetically. "And the gifts." I sniffle. "I've never seen her so happy."
"Why are you crying?" she asks.
"I don't know." I sniffle again. "The album and shirt made me so sentimental."
"Aww." She chuckles. "It was her idea to get you something. I just picked what she should get."
"Thank you." I wipe my tears. "I loved how you wrote Mummy and Snowball."
"Oh, that's all her work." Stacy laughs. "The guy asked her if her name is Snowball and she answered him that her name is Snowball but we call her Sally for formality." I burst in laughter even though my tears are still running down. "I don't even know where she gets these words from."
"Remember when we put her in preschool and she kept telling her teachers her name is Snowball whenever they asked her?" Stacy laughs along at the memory.
"We had to convince her that her name is Sally but we call her Snowball because it's a nickname," she adds with a sigh. "Or in grade one when she wrote her name as Snowball Smith on her notebook."
"She's a stubborn person," I comment. "Just like Tegan." I sigh.
"Yeah," she says wistfully. "It was nice spending time with her."
"Thank you for the shirt," I cut her off. "You didn't have to."
"She didn't let me pay."
"Good." I nod to myself. "You don't have to, Stacy."
"Well, I returned the money to her and you can find it in the pockets of her navy jacket. I wanted to get you the shirt. You are still dear to me despite it all." I know. I know I'm dear to her. I know she still loves me.
"You are dear to me, too."
But the conversation dies shortly after. It's just too awkward talking to her when there are no words to speak anymore. Sally is our common denominator other than work and, right now, we don't go to work till next week so there isn't really anything we can discuss.
I brush my teeth and change my clothes then head to bed. When I wake up, I'm in heavy sweat and agonizing heat once again. I touch my forehead and flinch at the heat. I call Tegan to tell her about it. She comes in moments after while I'm still in bed.
"Shit," she says, touching my forehead. "Have you been having nightmares?"
"I don't know." Sally pushes the door and comes in. "I don't remember anything."
"Good morning, mummy," she says but then she pauses at the wet mattress behind me. "Eww, you're so sweaty."
"Yeah, baby. I'll take a shower. I got hot in my sleep." I get out of bed with a yawn. "Did you go to the bathroom?"
"Yes," she says. "I brushed my teeth, too."
"Okay, now you have to shower so I can come in and help you with your hair then I'll shower after you." Tegan begins discarding the sheets off my bed. "Tee, go to work. You don't have to do this."
"It's fine. I still have fifteen minutes to leave."
"I don't want you to help me," Sally whines. "I can do it." Tegan turns around to stare at us. "I promise you."
"It's just your hair, honey. I wanna make sure you're washing it well." She moves her shoulders up and down in protest. "Why not?"
"I'm big enough." I sigh and tell her to go as I walk outside the room with Tegan behind me.
"I'll prepare your clothes and get them to you," I tell her.
"I did," she says. I take a look at her for a long moment, getting lost in her imploring blue eyes then eventually nod and let her take her shower on her own.
"Why don't you let her take her shower?" Tegan asks over breakfast. "I remember taking my showers on my own when I was her age. I sucked at shampooing and spent too much time playing with the foam but it was good." I give her a second cup of coffee while sipping mine before seating myself at the table beside her. I groan at my aching limbs and heated skin. "You should get checked."
"Yeah." I take a bite out of my bagel. "I just…what if she doesn't clean herself well? Kids start to smell eventually. Like…"
"They start to have body odor when they hit puberty if they don't follow good hygiene and she's still a child," she interrupts me and I hum. "Relax."
"You know, I'll just check on her." I leave my breakfast, rubbing my palms together to get rid of the crumbs.
"No, Sara," she calls after me but I don't stop.
I knock on the bathroom's door. "How are you doing in there, Snowball?" I hear a whiny voice and go in immediately. "Are you okay?" I ask from behind the curtained tub.
"I tangled my hair," she says in a hushed tone, making me giggle.
"I hate to tell you I told you so, Snowball." I push the curtain aside to see a mountain of foam on her hair and tears in her eyes. I laugh loudly even though I know it upsets her. "I'm sorry. You look funny." I turn off the faucet and take off my long-sleeved blue pajama top, leaving me in a white wife beater. I pull down my pajama pants and sigh. "Those are dirty anyway," I mumble to myself. "What do we have here?" I sink my hand in her hair and she screams right away at the tangled mess she has caused. "Damn, Sally, what have you done?"
"I was playing," she says guiltily.
"It's fine, baby. I'll untangle it." I turn on the faucet to wash the foam off her hair only to get sprayed by the shower head as well. Sally laughs at my reaction. "Yeah, laugh at me while I struggle." I turn it off again to begin the untangling. "Let's hope you don't get cold because this is gonna take awhile." I'm beginning to get cold in these wet items of thin clothing on me so for sure she's freezing. "Maybe I should give you a haircut."
"No," she screams. "I wanna have Rapunzel hair." Her hair is the longest in the family because she only lets us trim it. It stops at her back but it always annoys me when I have to brush it for her because it's thick and I don't know how to take care of long hair.
"Fine. Did you wash your body?" She shakes her head. "What were you doing all that time?"
"Washing my hair."
I shake my head at her. "You mean playing with the shampoo." She nods embarrassingly. "You promised you would shower like grownups." She shrugs. "Sally?"
"It was fun," she whispers.
"How can I trust you showering on your own again?" Poor, baby, she's shivering. I open the water again, letting the water cascade all over us while I'm still in my undergarments.
"I won't do this again," she says. "Doesn't feel nice."
I grab her brush and begin brushing her hair after finally smoothing it. I take her loofah after and lather some soap on it then wash her body quickly.
"Your underwear and top are all wet, mummy," she remarks.
"I know." I grab her towel and begin to dry her body. "Okay, sit on the toilet seat while I take a very quick shower." She nods, following my orders as I discard my wet undergarments and get back in the shower to wash my body and hair quickly. It only takes me about seven minutes and I'm done. I dry her body and hair with the blow dryer and then do the same to mine. I leave her in the bathroom to get dressed and head back to my room where I find Tegan in there.
"You're still here?" I ask, wiping my still damp face with my hand.
"I changed your sheets," Tegan says. "You're welcome."
"Little Miss I-Can-Do-It made a shampoo mountain in her hair, tangling the fuck out of it." I rummage through my closet for something warm to wear.
Tegan snorts loudly. "Oh, I forgot to mention the part when mum used to come in and find the bathroom all foam and water and my hair a nest." She grins at me while I get dressed.
"She's a spitting image of you, I swear."
Sally comes in, interrupting Tegan's response to me.
"Mummy, I'm done," she says in her fresh clothes. "I'm hungry."
"Yeah. Let's go." I put on a black sweater and push her outside. "You're coming?" I ask Tegan.
"Yeah. I have to leave, anyway." My hair is still fucking wet and I really don't want to get sick. Why are kids such demanding burdens?
I spend the following week with Sally. Stacy lets me keep her with me for the weekend so we spend a lot of time together. We go out a few times. Tegan accompanies three times. We also bake and cook together, getting back to our normal routine.
However, the sweaty mornings and fevers don't stop and some days they are worse than the others, so on Monday, after school, I pick up Sally and drive her to Tegan's then go to the doctor to get a quick checkup. After a series of tests and a full body exam, I get asked a couple of questions about myself and my symptoms as we wait for the results of the blood test.
"It looks like you're having perimenopause."
I blink twice at my doctor. "I'm sorry?"
"Perimenopause is basically the transition into menopause. You can still have children, but this is the last chance for you. It may last up to ten years till you actually hit menopause and it may last up to a year or two. But for you I can say you're still able to conceive during the next five years."
"But…" I lose the ability to form words as thoughts circulate inside my mind. "I'm just forty."
"I know." She nods with an apologetic smile. "The symptoms are normal. They will come and go. There's medication for everything. Most women find it a wakeup call for them, especially if they have planned having children but lost track of time." The doctor shrugs.
Where the hell did time go? How did I age so quickly? "I do have a child." She nods. "I wanted to have another years ago…you probably remember…but…um…I don't know if I can have one now."
"You don't have to," she says. "You might think about it more now, of course. But you have to act fast if you change your mind." I nod.
I don't know why such news has made me feel so anxious and terrible. The entire ride home is filled with my anxiety-ridden thoughts and a deep sense of fear and loss. I haven't thought about aging. I don't even feel old. I feel like I am the same Sara of the age twenty. I even look much better and hotter now. My body hasn't been healthier and my appearance hasn't looked better. I do get exhausted more quickly than before, but looks wise I do seem more attractive and I've been told that by so many individuals.
Before I know it, I'm taking a U-turn in Tegan's street and driving away. I know where I'm heading even though I hate that I've thought about it in the first place.
I park the car outside of her house and give her a call.
"Sara?" she asks.
"Are you home?" I know she is because I can see her car in the garage.
"I am." She yawns. "Sorry, I was taking a little nap. Is Sally okay?"
"Can I have coffee at your place? I'm outside."
Silence.
"Uh…it's fine…"
"Of course you can," Stacy says. "Come on in. I'll open the door."
She welcomes me inside and we end up in her kitchen. I put my head in my hands while she prepares coffee and walks around in the small area.
When the scent of coffee ascends to my nostrils, I lift my head up and rub my eyes. She takes a seat beside me once she puts a slice of blueberry cheesecake next to the coffee mug. "I baked this for tomorrow's staff meeting, but it looks like you need a slice badly." I wipe a falling tear. "I'll just bake another one later. I have nothing to do."
I nod and wipe more tears as I take a sip of my coffee.
"So at first I thought this is about Sally, but looking at you now I think this is about you?" I nod again. "What is it?"
"So I'm going through something called perimenopause." She chuckles. "I guess you know what that is."
"Welcome to the club," she whispers while looking down at her painted nails. "Is this about having another child?" I nod. "You know how I feel now?"
"I do," I admit. "Why didn't you just…you know, have one when we broke up right away?" She shrugs. "You could have tried."
All I get is a sigh and a pondering stare. "My therapist explained it to me this way—I do have a child whom I haven't given birth to but the child is still considered mine…at least to me and to Sally." I give her a slight nod. "While some people get pregnant and give birth to their children, but they don't get to call them their children even though they do want to, so at the end of the day I'm luckier than them."
"Ohhh."
"So it made me think of Tegan," she continues. "We may not have had the chance to carry or give birth to our biological babies, but we still get to enjoy the sense of motherhood."
"Yeah," I mumble.
"While Tegan can't enjoy the feeling. She may be close to Sally, but she's her aunt."
"I get you."
"At least you got to feel what it's like to breastfeed her, you know. You are like an actual mother to her. You've had her since day one."
"You're right."
She hands me the fork and pushes the cheesecake plate towards me. "Most women would love to have children without having to deal with the whole process of carrying and giving birth."
"But I want to try that," I tell her after taking a bite of the cheesecake. "Fuck, this is good." She smiles proudly and I spot blotches of red on her cheeks.
"I know." She sits back on the chair and sips more coffee. "You can still try, right?"
"Yeah…I guess. I mean my ovaries are on their last leg…so…" I sigh loudly. "I don't know. I'm conflicted."
She doesn't give me an answer for a long time. I can just see her lips moving to the side as she ponders the thoughts in her head. "You have to think about it," she eventually says. "Like really think about it. All the pros and cons."
Stacy could have been a good friend if we hadn't dated before. I could have gone to her for advice every time I wanted without feeling like an absolute trash bag after leaving her place. Whenever I'm there I feel guilty because she can't have a normal life after me. She can't date because then her time with Sally will be limited. She can't just move on and have her own life due to her attachment to Sally. She can't have me and Sally back because she knows how fucked up I am and I know I can't live with her and be in love with Tegan at the same time.
I plop on the couch as soon as I enter Tegan's place. She stares at me with a raised brow from her place on the floor next to Sally while they play video games together. I kick off my shoes then spread my entire body on the brown couch, resting on my stomach.
"So what is it?" my sister asks. Sally turns around to take a look at me which makes her lose the car race game. "Ha!" Tegan screams. "I won, you fool." I close my eyes and laugh a little. She'll never grow up.
"Mummy, are you okay?" Sally moves towards me on her knees. "What did the doctor say?"
"She said I'm getting old," I tell my daughter who quirks her brows in confusion. "These are normal symptoms of aging." Behind Sally, Tegan's jaw drops as she realizes what I'm talking about.
"You're forty! What the fuck?" Sally turns around to glare at her for using a bad word. I shake my head at her.
"Forty is old," Sally says. "I'm only almost eight and I think forty is old."
"There you go." Tegan frowns in utter puzzlement, staring into the void. "Wanna play another round?" Sally asks.
"Sure," Tegan agrees.
"I have to go to the bathroom first," the kid says. "I'll be right back. Don't cheat."
Tegan waits for her to disappear from sight before asking, "Menopause?"
"Perimenopause," I tell her, shifting to my back and putting my arm on top of my heated forehead.
"What's that?"
"Some weird transitional period till I reach menopause. It basically means this is the last chance I can get pregnant and I'm hitting menopause soon."
"I see."
I take a look at her shocked features as she plays with the jewel beneath her lips. "Do you know when did Sonia hit menopause?" She shakes her head. "She did, right?"
"I guess?" She shrugs.
"She never talked about it?" She shakes her head. "Ugh. I gotta know. It's genetic."
…
At night when I'm in my bedroom, Tegan begins texting me. We chat for awhile until I fall asleep, waking up to a text from her in the morning.
-52.
-Huh!
-She had her last period when she was 52. The symptoms got seriously bad for about a year until her periods stopped!
-Oh.
Wait. What the fuck! She's just fifty-four right now. That means she hit menopause two years ago. That means I might have enough time till I get there unless genetics do not have any effect on that part.
I cook breakfast for Sally then drive her to school and get to my job next. Stacy asks me how I am feeling and I give her a short but nice answer. I eat another slice of her delicious cheesecake during the staff meeting. Stacy gives me four slices to take home so Sally can have a taste. After that, I pick Sally up from school and drive home to prepare dinner and do some thinking. Since I have a car now, Stacy doesn't pick her up anymore until Friday when she takes her to her place.
While cooking dinner, I call Emy to check on her.
"I have a date," she tells me.
"A date?"
"Yup."
"With whom?"
"Vivian."
"Who's Vivian?" I ask. My heart starts drumming quickly.
"The one with the dead husband and child." She clears her throat awkwardly.
"And you like her?" My stomach starts flipping.
"I kinda do. She's sweet and good looking."
"Does Tegan know?"
"Nope."
I sit down on a chair at the kitchen table to absorb the information. "What about us?"
"What about you?" she asks with a chuckle. "I'm not dating you, Sara. I'm sleeping with you."
"Are you sleeping with her?" She huffs. "I have to know."
"No. It's just a date. Why do you sound jealous?"
"Because this is out of the blue."
"But I should have a life, too. I mean…you two love each other and I'm just your fuck buddy and it's about time I move on with my life, Sara. We're getting old not young." My face begins burning and I can feel the heat climbing up to my eyes and the tears welling up inside. "You have Tegan and I have no one and I truly like this woman. I can't even believe she's asked me out. She's so out of my league."
Why does everyone have to remind me of getting old? I'm not old. I'm young. I can still move, have sex, enjoy my time, have fun, and have a life.
I call Tegan right after Emy's phone call to fill her in, but she's not angry or weirded out about it. She just waves it off and doesn't really care, which also pisses me off more.
"I thought the deal was to have sex with her until she moves on and stops needing us?" Tegan says. "Fuck, this coffee is horrible. Fucking Bob," she screams. "Bob, come here. What is this shit coffee?" I squeal in distress and fury. "Looks like you need a good fuck so I'll pass by tonight when your daughter goes to sleep to get your mind off your issues." Did she just say Sally is my daughter and not hers? It's like she doesn't even remember she's Sally's mother.
"Did you just say that in front of your assistant?" I ask about the fucking part instead.
"Take this coffee and get me one that's actually drinkable," she scolds the guy. "Hmmm? No, no…I don't know…it's so fucking…it's disgusting. It's bitter water. No taste."
"Okay…I guess you're too busy screaming about coffee right now."
"Oh, sorry," she says. "It was horrible."
"Just come over when you finish. I'm making pizza because Sally asked me to."
"No offense but your pizza is nowhere near the definition of pizza."
"Fuck you." I laugh a little. "Our kid loves it and she loves food," I remind her purposefully.
"Exactly, she loves food so of course she'll love it." Tegan sighs when I don't respond. "I'm sorry. I was joking. I'm coming over tonight."
"Okay."
I wait patiently for Sally to go to sleep. I tap my fingers against my wine glass and squeeze my legs together. Whenever I stare at the clock, I find it stuck at eight or somewhere around it. It just doesn't move to nine. Tegan hasn't stopped talking since she got here.
"See, that's when the clit piercing comes in handy," she jokes in my ears.
"Fuck off," I whisper back to her.
"Your clit is probably throbbing." I take a deep breath and nod. "Aww, poor pussy."
I take another deep breath watching my daughter's eyes focused on the cartoon in front of her. I take one more look at the clock and it's not even 8:30. I think I'm going to cry.
"Just go do something about it," Tegan whispers. "I'll watch her."
"No," I say. Sally turns around to take a confounded look at me. I smile at her. "I want you to do something," I whisper again when she's turned around. Tegan huffs. "I just want something inside," I whine softly. She chuckles.
At 8:45 I tell Sally to brush her teeth and go to bed. I prepare her backpack and lunch for school then tuck her in. Once I make sure the door is closed, I take Tegan's hand and run to my bedroom, closing and locking the door.
I remove every article of clothing immediately and watch her do the same. The barbell in her clit makes mine jump and it's the first thing I touch when she's on top of me. We make out for awhile until she begins to fuck me with her fingers while licking me. When I come, I turn around and instruct her to do me from behind.
"Your ass?"
"Mhm."
"Wow."
"Just do it," I moan. I get fucked again in both holes to reach another orgasm, imagining how wonderful it would be if Emy were here.
When I'm done, I go down on her, first playing with her piercing, then her lips, and after it I fuck her with my tongue.
"Bring the vibrator next time," I tell her when I kiss her goodbye.
"You should get your own toys, too." I seriously should.
We spend the rest of the weekdays like this until weekend arrives and we drag ourselves to Emy's place for one last fuck. Except we don't find her home. When we call, she doesn't pick up.
"You know what, her fucking loss," I say. "I wanna fuck. Let's get back to your place."
"I gotta say you're exhausting me," Tegan says as she follows.
I ask her to use the nipple clamps on me and tie me to the bed. At first she's taken aback by my request but then she just performs my fantasies. She thrusts in with a dildo and holds the hitachi to my clit.
After my first orgasm, Emy tells us she's close. I remain naked and Tegan stays in her underwear. When Emy comes in, she squints at me while I give her the middle finger.
"How's the date?" I ask.
"Very good." She tries to hide a smile but I can see her ruddy complexion exposing her. "I went on a second one."
"So are you a thing now?" Tegan asks.
"Not yet." She shrugs.
"Does that mean you're still allowed to fuck us or no because if not you should probably go because the night is still young." She looks at Tegan and they both shrug. I know my behavior is surprising to them but everyone knows I don't think when I'm aroused.
"Let me kiss you," Emy says. She leans in to give me a soft peck on the lips which I deepen pulling her down by her collar.
The night becomes all about me since they can see how needy I am. I lie between them as they pleasure me until I'm too tired to move. I wake up in the morning to find Tegan strapped and Emy riding her next to me. The sounds wake me up and the sounds arouse me more, but I don't ask them or interrupt them. I just watch while caressing Tegan's breasts or squeezing Emy's. When Emy's close to her orgasm, I begin rubbing her clit until her climax. Once she's done, I take another toy to fuck Tegan with.
"So that's it?" I ask Emy when all of us are sprawled on the mattress with glistening sweat coating our naked bodies. "You're leaving us?"
"If she asks me to be her girlfriend…yes."
"Do you want to be her girlfriend?" Tegan asks. Emy nods. "Then you should ask her." It's like Tegan wants to get rid of her, I swear.
"You think she'll say yes?" Emy bites her lower lip.
"I mean if she's stupid she'll say no. If she has eyes and can see, she'll say yes." Tegan gives her a kiss.
"Guys, I wanna have a baby," I tell them.
"What?" Tegan shouts.