Tegan
July of that same year.
I am mean. I truly know that and I don't want anyone to affirm it to me. I know I am the worst human being that has ever appeared in Sara's life and I'll always be. I will always be a reminder of her failures and her lost hopes and dreams. I'm living with all that. I've accepted it. I've found peace around the fact that I am a selfish scum of the earth.
I'm not self-loathing; I'm just restating the words I hear from her every few days whenever we fight or argue about her desire to have a child of her own and my desire to tell Sally that I am her real mother.
Her request had a condition: you want to get yourself knocked up and neglect my kid, I'll tell my kid I'm her real mother and the only reason I gave her up is because I was young and irresponsible.
Of course all hell was let loose upon that condition. It was the worst fight in ages. We've never had something so vicious and brutal since those days I used to hit her. Thankfully, Emy was there to witness it. Otherwise, God knows what would have happened. Thankfully I was on my meds because I lost my temper and she lost hers and I began punching the mattress as she screamed how fucking selfish I am.
That was a few months ago. Things have calmed down. We've even had sex a few times since then. But, still, she curses at me whenever we're alone and she has to make sure I am reminded of how fucked up I am. I have immunity right now. I just nod while she cries.
I don't think anybody will understand my reasons to be quite honest. The reason Sara wants to have a kid is because she doesn't truly feel that Sally's her kid. Once she gets pregnant and has the child, she'll neglect and abandon mine. She'll love the new baby more. Sally will not be given the attention and love she needs and deserves.
Plus, she can't raise two children alone. It's a stupid thing to be a single mother of two willingly. She'll basically ruin her life, mine, Sally's, and the new baby's. If anything, I'm doing her a favor.
And it's not like she can carry with a back like hers. She sure can't. I had to dare her to get checked last month to see if she can carry with her issues and three doctors warned her against it while one said she'll have to lie in bed for months without doing any activity that might harm her body.
Hearing that made her cry but it also made her get rid of the idea for awhile until she saw a baby on the plane to Calgary and began nagging again in my ears. The flight back home was hell for me because she wouldn't stop her nagging and Sally puked twice while seated next to me.
That was two days ago when we traveled from Vancouver to Calgary to visit my parents. Sally has to get to know her grandparents so I talked to Sara and convinced her that a few weeks during summer visiting mum and dad is only appropriate because she's never been here after the week she was born and she's visited Stacy's parents but not mine. Sara didn't mind actually. I think she didn't mind because she thought I'd soften up regarding the baby issue.
Sally's overwhelmed so far. She has seen my dad only three times and she knows he is her grandfather but they aren't close. Dad is never excited when he sees her which really annoys me. He's cold and he barely smiles. Sara treats him the same way and she doesn't care about the way he treats her but I can tell Sally is hurt by his behavior. When she hugs mum and then runs up to him to give him a hug, he pushes her away after a very quick embrace. She turns around to look at me awkwardly. I thought about talking to dad but I know how he feels already so I just don't bother with him.
Jeremy, on the other hand, is the opposite. He doesn't only shower Sally with hugs and kisses, but he also picks her up and plays with her and spoils her. She's seen him a few times on video chats and she likes him a lot. But the problem is that I can see that Jeremy feels this way because he considers himself as her father and I have always feared he would see it this way even though he did sign a paper that he would have nothing to do with Sally.
…
I knock on the door of the bedroom that Sara and Sally are sharing in mum's house and wait for permission to be given. It's eight in the morning so they're probably still asleep. Mum has woken me up at six to have some coffee and a chat with her in the backyard and I've been awake since then.
"Come in," Sara calls groggily. I think I woke her up.
I go inside as slowly and silently as I can so I wouldn't wake Sally up, but when I push the door open I find her across the room brushing her hair against the old vanity mum has put in this spare bedroom.
"You guys are awake?" I ask. Sara is still in bed with her lazy eyes focused on her phone screen.
"I woke up an hour ago," Sally says. She turns around to face me with her long wet chestnut hair greeting me. "I took a shower."
"She woke me up," Sara says, rubbing her eyes and yawning. "Take her to your room, please," Sara says. "You two wake up early."
"Mum woke me up," I explain.
"Why?" Sara pushes her head back against the pillow and closes her eyes. I can see the morning perspiration on her forehead. I can feel her morning distress.
"She was giving me a talk," I say and Sally furrows her brows at me. "Yes, honey, my mother still gives me talks and it's not just your mum." Sally giggles and Sara opens her eyes in slits to glare at me.
"What talk?" Sara asks.
I sigh and give her a look to postpone it for later. I don't want to tell her that my mum has just given me a lecture about mine and Sara's affair because she thinks Sally is old enough to connect any dots. It was awkward and unnecessary. Sara and I are as careful as it can be and Sally suspects nothing. If anything, she thinks Sara and Stacy are still in love and daydreams about them getting back together, which is just sad to hear. When she told me about it I felt like shit.
"What are we gonna do today, Teetee?" Sally asks jovially. I walk up to her to gather her shiny hair and tie it for her because if she keeps brushing she'll ruin it.
"What do you wanna do, Snowball?" I ask her. She smiles at me through the mirror. Her bright blue eyes make mine dim in comparison. Her ruddy cheeks flourish as she thinks of a plan in her head. She's the most beautiful child and she's my child.
"I want you to take me out to a lot of food places." Sara tsks from her place on the mattress. "But, mummy, we said this is a vacation," she whines, frowning at strict Sara.
"A vacation doesn't mean ruining your diet, baby," Sara says. She yawns again.
I give her a look. It's not a glare, nor a blank look. It's just in between. I just stare at her in disbelief. She's caging my child. She's controlling her terribly. I know she cares about her weight and diet but, Goddamn it, she wants to have fun so let her be.
"I'm not gonna eat bad things," Sally says. "I promise you."
"Alright," Sara says, ignoring my looks as she gets out of bed. "That's my good girl." I roll my eyes at her and Sally catches it through the mirror. When our eyes meet, Sally gives me a wicked smile and I smile back at her; an understanding only she and I get when we want to make fun of Sara's strict rules.
"I'll take a shower," Sara announces. "So get your hair done and go down for breakfast with Tegan, okay?"
"Fine," Sally answers.
"Say okay, not fine," Sara directs. I clear my throat.
"Okay," Sally says with a sigh. I shake my head at Sara who ignores me and leaves to the bathroom.
The aroma of deliciously cooked breakfast hits my nostrils and makes Sally's stomach groan in hunger. We place ourselves at the table and watch as more food gets added in front of our hungry eyes. My mum has a rule that everyone should be present in order for us to start eating and Sara's taking too long.
"Don't touch anything," mum says when she sees my hand tickling the bowl of sausages. "Your dad is joining us, too."
Sally and I look at each other in merry surprise. I can see it on her face because the blue becomes brighter and the smile widens. "Really? Daddy's coming?"
"Yes," mum says. "So behave yourself." Sally giggles watching me getting rebuked by mother. She always thinks it's funny her grandmother treats me as a child the way Sara treats her as one. I think that's why she can relate to me more than Sara. That's why she says her secrets to me and trusts me. "She's naughty, isn't she, Snowball?"
"No," Sally says, smiling at me mischievously. "She's hungry."
"God, I love you so much." I grab her face and kiss both cheeks, making her squeal. Sometimes I can't control how much I miss having her as a daughter but I'm also so thankful she's so close to me and she loves me as much as she loves her mother.
"Teetee?" she asks when I let go of her.
"Hmm?" I sneakily grab a slice of grilled cheese and tear it in half with my hand, giving one piece to Sally and eating the other.
"Do I have a daddy?" Mum turns around immediately. Horror is clear on her facial features. "At school they told us each human comes from a man and a woman and mummy told me that a sperm has to go in the egg and mummy has eggs but other mummy has eggs too so how come?"
I clear my throat and seek my mother for help with a pleading look. I don't do these things well. I don't know how to talk about these matters. I can't just find an answer and I can't lie well.
"I…" Sally puts her hand on my shaking leg next to her to steady it. "I think you should ask…"
"Sally," mum says interrupting me, "have you ever asked your mum that?" She nods. "What did she tell you?"
"She said she went to the doctor and told her she wants to have a baby so they had to find a man who would give her and other mummy the sperm and put it in her eggs so I would start to grow inside her tummy." Damn, Sara. She really did give her the mysterious donor story in a simple, easy way.
"Yes, that's what happened," mum says with a small laugh.
"But doesn't this mean the man who gave her the sperm is my daddy?" Oh, God. I can't take this. How is she going to answer this?
Mum takes a seat next to her and hums for a bit. The way she tilts her head to the side and the way her bangs fall over her face, covering her eyes, is the same way Sara looks at me and at her daughter. They look so much alike. It's a bit scary.
"Scientifically, the man would be considered a father, but he is not because he didn't sign the paper that says he should be your father."
"Huh?" Sally looks at me confoundedly.
"Not every person has a dad, Sally," mum says. "Some people have one mum and some have two and some have no parents. The person you grew up with is your parent, dear."
"Ohhh…" She nods but then immediately furrows her brows. "Why does mum have two mums while Teetee has only you and they're sisters?"
Mum takes a very deep breath and her eyes shift towards the clock on the wall. She also wants to be saved.
"I gave birth to your mum but because I was very young I gave her to her other mum to take care of her and that's why she has two mums."
Sally nods and shrugs. I hope she doesn't ask more questions because I'm about to lose it.
Dad and Sara both join us at the same time five minutes later from the conversation mum has successfully steered away by asking me about my plans for the day. While dad greets us normally and formally, Sara whines about her back aching, almost crying by the kitchen counter as she swallows painkillers.
"Did you carry something heavy?" mum asks her.
"No." She shakes her head. "It might be my sleeping position." I know that Sally has been giving her some hard time with sleep because she takes most of the space and gives Sara a very little one or just squeezes herself next to her mother which makes Sara unable to move freely around the mattress.
Dad says grace then we begin eating. I can spot Sally's focus on him all the time. Whatever he chooses to put on his plate, she asks Sara to add it for her. Sara and dad don't speak. Sally laughs whenever dad says something a little bit humorous and tries to join him in the conversation but he ignores her input every time. She's trying her best to catch his attention, but he's such an asshole towards her. It breaks my heart watching this silly interaction. I'm not sure whether mum and Sara notice it too, but for me it's the worst feeling ever.
After breakfast, I take mum's car and drive myself, Sara, and Sally around the city. Sally fills us with some insight about the life in Calgary as she has seen on a documentary and Sara just slouches in the passenger seat waiting for her daughter to quit her blabber. Eventually, we find a small rustic coffee house we spend some time at for Sara to consume her third cup of coffee. I order a chocolate cake for Sally and one caramel macchiato for me.
"Why didn't grandma and grandpa come with us?" Sally asks the two of us.
"They have to go to work," I answer her.
"How come you don't?" Sara's apparent smirk widens when she realizes Sally has begun her curious inquiries about things she has noticed around.
"I took a vacation." Sally nods. "Is your cake delicious?" Little did Sara know, I can also change the conversation and distract Sally easily.
"Yes," she chants. "Want a taste?" I nod quickly, opening my mouth to watch her giggle.
"You eat it," she says, handing me her fork. "Your mouth is huge." Sara and I both laugh. "Mummy, is your mouth huge?" Sara shakes her head. "Open it." Sara does a little bit, still laughing. "Eww, you have cavities and your teeth look bad." Sara closes her mouth immediately and sits back as loud laughter takes over her body. "I'm gonna be a dentist when I grow up so I can fix your teeth."
"That's perfect," I say. "You know too much cake will ruin your teeth, too?"
"I brush them all the time," she answers quickly.
"Yeah, but your mum does too but she also eats too much sweets and she has bad teeth." Sally looks at Sara whose smile has not faded and whose eyes are small with soft wisps of happiness shielded beneath miserable irises.
"I don't believe you," Sally decides to say eventually as she flips her hair at me. "I think if we brush our teeth we'll have good teeth even if we eat chocolate." Sara's victorious stare appears as our daughter wins the argument like she always does.
"Suit yourself," I say back. "I'll be the one with the good teeth when I'm old while you and Sara will have to get fake teeth because all of your old teeth will have fallen by then."
"Yeah, right," Sara says. "We take more care of ourselves than you, honey,"
"Yes," Sally agrees. "You'll need a cane to walk and glasses to wear and you will be very old and tired, too."
The competitive encounter continues until we decide to leave the place and walk around the city. Sara becomes exhausted easily and Sally starts fishing for a bathroom. I drive back home quickly as Sally runs to the bathroom while Sara throws herself on the couch.
"Jeremy called and said he's taking us out for dinner today." Sara answers with a groan. "You can do it, right?" She nods with eyes closed. "Okay, I'll tell Sally."
Mum doesn't like that Jeremy's inviting us because she was planning to cook and invite dad again. I tell her to save it for tomorrow but immediately feel bad because I can see how lonely she usually feels and how happy she is to have all of us around.
"I promise you tomorrow," I tell her, giving her a small hug.
"Okay," she says softly. "Go check on Sara," she orders. "Give her this heating pad. It'll help her back. She seems very sad."
"Yeah." I know why she is, though. "Thank you."
I find Sara resting on her stomach in the room while Sally is watching a video on her iPad next to her.
"Sara," I call softly. Sally pauses the video to look at me. She shushes me and points at her mother asleep next to her. "But you're watching a video with the volume up."
"Tegan?" Sara asks, raising her head up with eyes in slits.
"You woke her up," Sally says frustratingly.
"I'm awake, Sally," Sara says. She flips herself on her back and yawns. "Are you okay?" she asks.
"Mum sent this heating pad." I hand it to her but she furrows her brows at me. "For your back."
"I don't have cramps. I have a shit back."
"Mummy," Sally says reproachingly.
"Sorry," Sara answers her quickly before continuing, "Thanks, anyway. I feel a bit better with the painkillers."
I join them on the mattress, my eyes moving towards the video Sally's watching because the moment I sat she flipped the iPad to hide it from me. I grab it and flip it around to look at the video.
"No, give me," she screams, reaching for it.
"Tee…" Sara says.
"What are you watching?" I shout loudly because the video leaves me shocked. Sara said she's been awake but how come she's letting her watching a video titled How Babies are Made? "Sara, did you let her watch this?"
"What?" Sara says, taking the tablet from me. She gasps, too. "Sally," she says loudly. "That's not what I played for you. How did you go to this video?"
"I looked for it," Sally says, not showing any type of guilt. "I wanted to know and nobody gives me true answers. I just wanted to know." She begins tearing up, not crying. Her voice is loud and angry and just like Sara's frustrated one.
"I gave you all the answers in the world. I told you actual real answers, Sally. You asked and I answered. It's just hard to understand because you're young."
"But I'm not stupid," she says whiningly.
I watch the interaction silently, unable to add a comment or give any remark because I don't know the nature of Sally's upbringing. I don't know how Sara can do it but she just can and it actually makes me feel bad and jealous and hurt.
"I never thought you were." Sara sighs. "What you see on these videos could be bad for you. They don't show real information here and the video you opened has inappropriate information, too." Sally just shrugs with a frown. "What are you trying to find? You know how babies come."
"I want to know how a guy puts his sperm in the girl's egg." My eyes widen as much as they could and I get up immediately.
"You realize we have to go out in an hour, right?" I attempt to distract Sally.
"Yeah," Sara says. "Let me handle this." She gives me a look suggesting I should leave but, fuck her, I'm not leaving. That's my daughter, too. I have to know what she'll tell her.
"Why do you want to know that?" I ask Sally. "Mum told you this morning." Sara furrows her brows at me.
"I want to know who my dad is," she says with tears finally falling. "Why are you hiding him from me?"
Sara takes a very deep breath. "You don't have one. Sally, you have to understand that the guy who donated his sperm is not a father. We just asked him for his sperm and that's it. He doesn't even know any of us. It was an online process." She shakes with tears and gasps. "Not everyone has a father and you should accept this. You have a grandfather, Sally."
"He doesn't love me," she screams, making us both jump back a little. Sara's frozen features face my probably horrified ones. "I can feel it," Sally continues as heavy tears stream down her face. "He doesn't even talk to me."
"No, no," I say quickly. "Sally, he loves you."
"Only other grandpa loves me and I only saw him once." I look at Sara again, realizing that she's talking about Stacy's dad. Her guilty look makes my grown wrath dissipate because I know this is not her fault but it's my dad's. He's just not putting any effort and everyone can see it even the kid herself. I never wanted for Sally to feel this way; to know that a stranger loves her more than her own flesh and blood.
"Sally," Sara says softly. She opens her arms widely for Sally to take her embrace. She kisses her head a few times and says, "Your grandfather loves you. He's just not used to you because he's not used to me. You know that I was adopted and my adopted father is dead. He died before you were born. I've lived with him all my life while I've only seen this real dad a few times."
"But grandma loves me so much," Sally says with a sniffle, looking up at Sara's face.
"Because I've seen her a lot. She was there when I gave birth to you. She took care of you, too." Sara looks at me with a faint smile, distorting the facts and making my story hers. It could be an act of revenge because I'm not letting her have her own story, but it could also be a way to convince Sally. It could be both at the same time.
"She saw you giving birth?" Sally asks timidly with her face becoming redder than ever. "From your vagina?" she asks again in a whisper.
"Wait, she knows?" I ask loudly. Did Sara tell her everything?
"Yeah." Sara sighs. "Stacy told her."
"Who was also there?" Sally wonders. "Were you there?" she asks me.
"I was there." It takes me a long second to finally answer, but when I do my eyes are blazing towards Sara's vengeful ones.
"That's so disgusting," Sally says, forgetting about her issue with my dad. While not looking, I set the parental controls on her Youtube channel. I don't know how Sara and Stacy have missed that but they should have done it a long time ago.
Whatever feelings of being unwanted Sally has felt are soon erased by Jeremy's showers of affection and love. He jokes, plays, and talks to Sally the entire time we're at the restaurant and Sally doesn't give up filling his head with her theories and dialogue, and he doesn't get enough because they have the exact same talkative nature. They also have the same eyes.
Though Sara remains silent and only says a few words with polite smiles, I can tell she doesn't like this interaction. She always has this feeling that someone is trying to take Sally from her and of course that's my fault because I am a fucked up person who has been threatening this tender spot. I just don't want her to have a child and leave Sally alone. I just want the best for everyone.
"I'm inviting you for BBQ at my place tomorrow," Jeremy says before we're about to leave.
"Yay. Yes. I love BBQ," Sally shouts loudly causing a few heads to turn towards us. "Thank you, Jeremy."
"As much as I'd love to, Jay, I can't because I've promised mum we'd have dinner with her tomorrow," I tell him. Sara smiles after I decline. "She got upset we didn't spend time with her today."
"Oh," he says with a hum that follows. "How about after tomorrow? Please? Sonia is invited of course. My sister is around and I'll ask my mum to join us, too. We'll have a good time."
"Yes, please, please, please, aunty Tee, say yes," Sally begs, grabbing my sleeve and pulling it down.
"Okay, okay." I laugh a little. Sara gives me a consenting nod and I give Jeremy my promise to show up to his place. I've heard he has a huge backyard and Sally's going to enjoy this for sure. My house, as big as it is, doesn't have a big backyard and Sally loves open spaces to run and have fun.
At night Sara and I separate after a kiss we sneakily share when Sally's in the bathroom and mum's in her bedroom. I change into my pajamas, brush my teeth, and wash my face then head to bed only to be awakened by a soft knock on the door. As I open my eyes, Sara's silhouette emerges inside slowly and stealthily, suppressing faint giggles.
"What are you doing?" I whisper in the semi-dark room, only a faint lamp giving me some imagery of Sara's pajama-clad body.
"She slept and I decided to come here," Sara says, squeezing herself inside the covers. "We haven't done it in awhile."
"You want to have sex?" I ask with a soft smirk and she nods quickly. "You have to be very quiet and a bit quick."
"Yeah," she moans.
I leave the mattress to lock the door then go back again; fishing the toy she's looking for from the box under my bed. "This is what you want?" I hold the feeldoe up, waving the purple dick against her excited face.
"Mmmm," she moans. "Show me how you'll put it on."
She fucking loves it when I insert the base inside me and my pierced clit just stands in glorious attention. She usually gives it a few licks then tops me and rides me until she comes or both of us do. But now I have to top her because of her back and she doesn't even have to ask or remind me. She knows that I know so she doesn't voice it. She just spreads her legs, flashes her large breasts, and waits for me to get myself ready to fuck her.
Loud and angry knocks wake me up in the morning. I hear a groan coming from beside me while more knocks disturb my slumber. I groan, too, and keep my eyes closed.
"Teetee," the voice behind the door calls, "mummy's gone," she cries. I jump up quickly as consciousness thrusts itself into my being hearing the sobbing of my daughter. Sara, too, sits up with sweat and harsh breaths. We look at each other's nude forms as realization stabs us in the head.
"Baby, I'm right here," Sara says but her voice is too groggy and tired. She hops off the mattress, fishing for her clothes and underwear, groaning in pain as she bends down to pick up her underwear.
Thankfully, I was smart enough to hide the toy and wash up last night. Sara, too, went to the bathroom after she came. She came back and fell on the mattress and went into a deep sleep. We have forgotten about Sally and I just feel bad.
"Sally, here, I'm coming," I say. "We were just talking, honey," I lie while putting on my pajama shorts and large T-shirt quickly.
Sara chases me to the door to open it to her weeping daughter who hugs her so tightly with tears that won't stop. Sara stoops down to kiss her but worry is on her face because that reaction was terrible and terrifying.
"Sally, why did you think Sara was gone?" I kneel down to ask her. She shrugs and cries. "You thought she left you?" She nods. "But, Sally, you travel with Stacy without her around and you're okay with it."
"Tegan," Sara whispers, asking me kindly to shut up. I'm just fucking concerned. That's not a normal reaction someone as strong-headed and confident as Sally should project.
"It's fine, baby." Sara kisses the hiccupping child. "I'm not gone."
"I thought you left," Sally says with a sniffle. "I thought you left me."
"Why would I leave you?" Though Sara chuckles, I can sense the anguish in her voice. "I won't ever leave you."
"You left mama," she says, breathing heavily. My jaw falls down in shock. The damage I have caused to this child, the damage that I have once felt when I was her age, the heartbreak and loss—that scenario is being repeated. Only I was not this attached to my mother and instead I became attached to Sara later on.
"No, baby," Sara says softly. "I haven't left Stacy. We agreed to separate because if we stayed together, we'd be fighting all the time. I told you this. I always visit her and talk to her and she's my boss and she's your…mama." A deep exhale leaves her wheezing lungs.
I leave the room after a little while with her and Sally in there. My mind is too clouded with sadness to think straight before attacking my father whom I see in the kitchen, waiting for us to come downstairs for breakfast.
"Why don't you love my daughter?" I ask loudly and without any fear. He looks up from his cell phone with furrowed brows at me. Mum is turned around with horror in her honey eyes. "She knows you don't like her. She told us yesterday. She thinks you hate her." I close the kitchen's door to distract the sounds from being too audible.
"Tegan," mum says in reproach like the little dove she is. "You just woke up. What's going on with you?"
"Nothing," I scream at her. "I'm so upset he hates my own flesh and blood because of something you and him had to do with and not Sara and I." I haven't noticed my tears, but now I can see that they're falling from my eyes and sliding down my face and chin. I'm hiccupping and sniffling and I don't think I've been so hurt in a long time. I haven't had such a crying tantrum since ever.
"I think you should calm down," dad says coldly like he always does. I can also see he's scared of me and my reactions because he, too, thinks I'm a fucking uncontrollable beast.
"I am so calm, dad," I say with gritted teeth. "I am just very hurt that a child has noticed your feelings towards her and cried about it to her mother. I'm so hurt she thinks Stacy's dad is a great grandfather and he loves her while you just hate her."
"I do not hate her," he says with restrained fury. "I just cannot look at her without thinking about the mistake I have done in my life giving your sister up." He gets up right away. "It is hard for me to look at her and see how much she looks like you and acts like you, knowing the story behind her birth. I don't blame any of you but myself for not trying harder to keep Sara with me and my family because I was young and irresponsible while your mother was young, naïve, and weak." He walks out to the door where mum calls a few times for him to stay but he waves her off and leaves me drowning in my boiling ire.
"He literally just called you weak and you're following him?" I shout at her.
"Tegan," she screams back with eyes bulging and nose too red it's about to explode. "I was fourteen. I was fucking weak and young and a child and I had no saying or control."
"I'm not talking about this, Goddamn it." I sit down and bury my face in my hands. "I just hate the fact she thinks her actual family hates her while strangers love her as if she actually does belong to them."
"You know your father," mum says. I look up because I can hear her crying voice. I have hurt her with my anger. I shouldn't have hurt her. "He was never one to show emotions. If he had any romantic bits within him we wouldn't have been on and off for years. He wouldn't even be single at this age but he's just so fucking frigid and he doesn't care about anyone's feelings but his, and, Tegan, frankly, you're a lot like him." She wipes her nose with the back of her hands. "Or were…you've changed…thankfully."
I haven't. I'm still selfish. I still care about my feelings. I still don't want things to happen for people because they will hurt me. Like Sara getting pregnant. It will destroy me. I was happy that Emy began dating Vivian for my own benefit not because I was happy for her. I just didn't like sharing Sara so much. I forced Sara to come here so Sally could be close to my father like she got close to Stacy's father in winter break. No…I have not changed. I am the fucking worst. I am just like him.
Sara comes inside hurriedly. "Tegan," she screams. "I need an inhaler. She's having an asthma attack. Quickly."
Mum and I both freak out and run upstairs. "Where is she?" I shout as I follow Sara. "Where is her inhaler?"
"She's in the bathroom. She was taking a shower and she called me and…" Sara's heated face is also about to explode. "I don't know where her inhaler is."
I run to the bathroom watching her coughing and sputtering in her towel. I pick her up quickly and take her out to my room. I open my nightstand drawer and find my inhaler to give it to her. I have a different doze than her but this seems really bad.
"Inhale it," I scream. "Come on." She starts shaking her head and crying. "I know it tastes horrible. Just do it, honey." She tries to inhale again and moans at the bitter taste. "One more time," I ask her. She does it again and coughs a little bit more.
"I found it," Sara comes back with mum running after her.
"She's fine," I assure Sara. I think she's the one who needs it right now because she's wheezing and gasping. "I gave her mine."
"Did you pick her up?" mum asks with worried eyes. I nod and rub the towel against her arms to warm her up. "You shouldn't have."
"It's fine, mum."
"Tegan, you shouldn't have," Sara says, too.
"I said it's fine," I raise my voice a little bit. Sara takes a step back. "I'll go to the doctor when we're back home," I say again but with a calmer tone. "You're good?" I ask Sally who nods. I kiss her forehead and cry softly while warming her up.
"Thank you, Teetee." She hugs me tightly. "You're the best aunty." I kiss her wet head and laugh a little. Sara and mum are just watching. Sara's hand is rubbing her back while mum stands in the distance to watch how it would have been like if the secret wasn't exposed and we were just a normal family.
I invite Jeremy over for dinner since mum's making her famous steak and gravy. Dad isn't coming anymore because he's upset with me. I fill Sara in on what happened with him and she thanks me for addressing the issue because she's been too concerned about it. We watch Sally closely until she goes back to her normal activities, asking to play with my hair and bossing everyone around. I usually don't let her touch my hair because she ends up tangling it, but I can't say no to her big ocean eyes when they're pleading with excitement.
I seat myself on the floor while she sits on Sara's mattress so she can brush and play with my hair. She likes that it's longer than before and she has the freedom to play with it but she still wants it to be longer.
Sara and I chat casually while she listens to us, attempting to give me a braid. Sara's full body is sprawled over on the mattress behind me so I can only hear her voice without looking at her.
The conversation begins about her stomach troubling her for no reason then she asks me if I am okay after carrying Sally. I feel okay. I did go to the bathroom to check if I prolapsed again and I don't think I did. I feel perfectly fine. Then our dialogue shifts to Emy being absent from our lives. Sara asks me if I've talked to her and I tell her that I haven't. She hands Sally her phone to hand it to me so I can watch an Instagram story of her and Vivian kissing. I shrug and turn it back to her, catching that glimpse of jealousy in her eyes. I'm not sure if she's jealous that Emy's with someone else or that she and I can't do this like every other couple.
"That's what I hate about Emy," Sara says. "She always abandons us when she gets with someone until she's bored of them and she's like guys save me." Sally giggles in my ears as she tortures my scalp. With every pull, I feel my eyes water more but I can't tell her to stop because she's clearly enjoying messing with my hair.
"That's Emy," I tell her. "Snowball, babe, what are you doing?"
"I'm giving you a makeover," Sally answers right away with a faint giggle.
"I don't recommend looking at yourself in the mirror after," Sara says while laughing.
"Why?" Sally shouts. "She looks nice."
"Oh, she does. I don't think she likes her hair in side braids though."
Oh, God, why did this child have to be so girly? "I'm sure I'll love it just because she's giving me this hairdo."
"See?" Sally tells Sara. "Can I do your makeup after?"
To sum up my answer and her makeup routine, Jeremy spends about two minutes in a standstill as his wide blue eyes stare into my green eyeshadow (which somehow climbed up to my eyebrows) and the red spots blotched on each cheek. The orange lipstick is not an exception. His stunned face can't show any reaction but a loud expression of the sentence 'What the fuck?'
"Sally did this," I tell him.
"You look like Chucky's bride," he says.
"Fuck you."
"My sisters used to do this to me. They always turned me into a girl."
"Ugh. No wonder you turned gay." I push him a little as I walk past him to the living room and he follows. "She has all of your genes. What the hell!"
"Lucky her." I push him again as he laughs. "My genes are stronger than yours."
"You seem so happy being around her," I tell him. "And she likes you, too."
He shrugs a little and I can see his face turning red. "I mean, I like having her around." He shrugs again.
"Don't get too attached. You know she's not yours." I have to remind him because it's bright and clear that he can't tell he doesn't have the right to call himself her father.
"I understand that," he says slowly. "But I do consider her mine especially that she's just like me."
I sigh because if Sara hears this she'll attack the fuck out of him.
"I just think it's time for you to settle down and have a kid because it's obviously something you really want, Jeremy." He nods a little. "What are you waiting for?"
"The right guy?" He chuckles at me. "It's really hard to find a guy that wants a family too, Tee." Why is it so hard for men to want a family? Aren't they the ones pressuring women to give them children all the time? "It's not like a lesbian couple. You guys have this motherhood thing in you and most men don't. Especially gay men, Tee. Most of them just wanna have a good time and that's it."
I truly don't know what he's talking about because I haven't been there nor do I know a lot of gay men. I know none, actually, except him and this thing seems like it's upsetting for him.
"I'm pretty sure there are a lot of gay dudes who want children too, Jeremy." I try to assure him. It's the only thing I can do. "Plus, you have plenty of time. It's not like us. We have a biological clock and that's why most of us hurry and make a baby at a young age but you guys can just have a child anytime you want."
"That's not how it works, Tegan." He laughs loudly, making me feel embarrassed. "We age and our semen stops working, too." I shrug at him. I don't know much about anything, to be honest. I barely know what happens to the female body and that's because I had to go through all those changes due to pregnancy, birth, and fuckery in the womb.
Sara and Sally join us in the living room with my kid running towards Jeremy to give him a hug and fill him in on her cool asthma attack this morning. He looks at me with concern on his face and I tell him about what has happened. Mum joins us after, greeting my best friend politely and asking him about his family. He invites her for tomorrow's BBQ and she quickly confirms being there. I guess mum's really bored living here alone. What I know is that she doesn't have a lot of friends and my aunt died two years ago while my uncle doesn't visit much. Some of my cousins visit her but the family secret has kept her and dad so ashamed and they always feel like the family judges them. I suppose she's right. I know that my family can be judgmental but the secret we're holding is not a normal one, anyway.
Dinner goes smoothly and the conversation is lighthearted and relaxed until my father decides it's a good idea to come over to restart the morning drama. I ask for Jeremy to leave and he listens to my orders without any objections. Dad asks to see me and Sara alone and so we close the door of the living room while leaving Sally with mum to listen to whatever he has to say.
"I'm sorry I left today," he begins and I nod. "I didn't know what to say and I didn't want to say any hurtful words." I take a look at Sara's proud and angry face, not looking down once. "I can't explain myself or my behavior towards this child of yours."
"Her name is Sally," Sara corrects. "And she's your biological granddaughter."
"I know that," he says, giving her the same look she's giving him. Both of them have the exact same eyes and both of them are about to pounce at each other. The tension is too strong and for the first time in my life I can see that Sara's presence is dangerous right now. For the first time ever I see my own rage in Sara's eyes. "I wasn't offending her. I was just saying that I don't know how to explain myself towards my cold behavior towards her."
"You don't have to," Sara says. "Your actions are speaking louder than your words and whatever you're saying isn't going to change the fact that you don't like me and you don't like her."
"That's not the case," he says.
"Dad," I interrupt both, "please be honest with yourself. It just really hurts me to see you treating an innocent child as if she's the one who's made those mistakes." Sara closes her eyes for a second then opens them up. I wonder if dad knows we're sleeping together. I wonder if this is the reason he doesn't like Sally. I wonder if mum has told him. I bet he can see it. Why would we be so good around each other if we're not touching, anyway?
"I am honest with myself, Tegan. I'm not close to the child. I wasn't ever. Frankly, I don't have those tender feelings of parenthood towards her and it's not because I don't like her or the fact she's related to all of that, but I just don't feel close. I don't know her well." Sara chuckles rudely and shakes her head with a roll from her eyes. Dad ignores her, though I can see a scowl growing on his face. "Though I can promise you that I'll try my best to be close to her. I'll talk to her and try to spend more time with her."
"You know, Stephen, I don't want any of that from you. It's not like she doesn't have people. I just really don't want her to think her own grandfather hates her because she's already asking and looking for clues, so the only thing I want from you is to be nice to her." Sara stands up and leaves the room without any more words. Dad's glare is burning and I really don't know what to say anymore.
"She has your mum's stubbornness and genes," he comments about Sara.
"At least didn't catch the selfish genes that I caught from you." I shrug and get up, too. Too far? Maybe. But I'm not going to stand there and take his side when he's wrong.
At least Sally's having the best time of her life giving mum a hairdo and mum is the happiest grandmother ever handing her long hair to Sally. Sara took a few pictures and now she's directing Sally, telling her what to do while I'm texting with Emy and Jeremy simultaneously. One is asking about dad and what he had to say and the other is wondering about our trip and what we're up to.
We spend the rest of the night in the backyard sipping some wine while Sally sits on the swing and listens to some music on her iPad. Sara and I are watching her from our place at the table while mum blabbers about her patients and her life.
"Are you happy at the school?" she asks.
"Huh?" Sara averts her gaze from looking at Sally to looking at her. "Umm, yeah. I guess I am."
"Don't you want to open up your own clinic? Wasn't this your dream?"
"It's still is," I say.
"Umm…" Sara hesitates, looking at both mum and me. "It is my dream, yes, but I've had different plans in mind and I guess I need a very steady income before this move. Sally's growing up and so are her needs and I have to save for her future." I wonder if her plans are having a baby. Plans I've destroyed.
"Don't you have a bank account for that?" mum asks me.
"I do." I shrug. "But Sara's paranoid."
"It's not that," she says. "We just don't know what might happen. Being safe is better than being sorry." Mum sighs.
"You're right," she says. "Speaking of, please go to a doctor and check," she tells me.
"You know, mum, I'll go but I swear there is nothing wrong and I have no pain so stop nagging."
"It's because you never go when you have to," Sara says irritatingly. "Your last prolapse was a disaster, Tegan. You want a repeat of that?" she scolds while I titter. "I found her screaming on the floor in the early morning." Mum nods because we've told her about it. It happened a long time ago. I'm fully healed.
"Prolapsing isn't good," mum says. I roll my eyes. "I know a friend who was able to hold her uterus in her hand when she went to pee." Both Sara and I widen our eyes in shock. My first prolapse was something like that but I couldn't hold it. I could feel it down and close to my opening but it wasn't that creepy. "Don't you wanna have kids in the future?"
Again, Sara and I are pulled back to the topic with a quick glance towards one another. "I…"
"I mean another one…for you," mum clarifies and I clear my throat when Sara chuckles.
"I don't know," I whisper. "I might want it."
"Then you should make sure you're well, honey." I nod.
Sara confronts me before going to bed, asking me the same question after barging in. I take a look at her while rubbing the remnants of moisturizer on my upper arms. I don't give her an answer because I don't have any and I don't feel like talking about issues that bother me so much because I might end up upsetting myself and I am already upset about this particular matter.
"Tegan, answer me," she insists frustratingly. "Are you going to have a child…like someday in the future?"
"Suppose I do, what's it to you?" I put back the moisturizer and reach for a neon green hairband to tie my hair.
"It means Sally will have a biological sibling."
"And?" I finish tying my hair and lie back down with a yawn.
She takes a deep breath. "Why can't I just have my own child?"
"You know very well why." I turn around and huff. "We discussed this."
"And what if I do?" she argues.
"I'll have to tell her she's mine."
"Fuck you," she says and I can hear the tears falling down even if they don't come with a voice. I also hear my door slammed and I begin to cry until I put myself to sleep.
She's cold to me in the morning. Mum notices and asks if something is wrong but none of us give her an answer. We avoid each other for the rest of the day till it's time to leave to Jeremy's. Sally's excitement is vibrant around the house as she runs around checking on all of us, begging us to finish getting ready.
Her last spot is in my room where she stands up next to me as I apply makeup in front of the mirror. She has a sweet smile on her face and in this moment I am so tempted to fill her in on the big secret I'm hiding from her.
"You are pretty, why do you put makeup?" she asks me. "You have pretty eyes, Teetee." Her compliments sway me. My daughter thinks I am beautiful.
"I'm not putting much. I just want to hide the dark spots under my eyes. Make my eye color pop. Get some color on my cheeks." I press my lips together after applying light pink lipstick.
"You and mummy and granny and grandpa all have green eyes."
"Hazel," I correct. "Mum's greener, yes…"
"They look green."
"In the sun they do." I nod
"But I have blue ones," she says. "Does my daddy have blue eyes?"
"I don't know who Sara's donor is, honey." I turn around so my lies won't be exposed because I'm trying my best not to let anything slip out of my mouth. "Maybe he does. Or maybe it's genetics because my grandpa and grandma had blue eyes."
"Really?" She faces me again while I blow my nose. Squeezing my tears inside is so hard. "I haven't seen them."
"They have died," I tell her. She nods. "I have allergies," I explain, even though she hasn't asked. She gives me a tight hug which gets interrupted by Sara looking for her. Sally leaves me and walks out with Sara.
The tension is our company at Jeremy's. Sara tries to isolate herself by drinking and sitting in the sun while I do most of the talking with Jeremy's family. Sally plays around with her biological cousins whom she doesn't know she has and they don't know as well despite the creepy resemblance she has with Riley who's a year younger than her.
I also notice mum trying her best to understand what's going on from Sara but Sara isn't telling her anything. The only interaction I have with Sara during dinner is passing the salt to her and getting a dry thanks. Jeremy questions me with his eyes and I shrug. She notices the exchange and rolls her eyes at us.
After dinner Jeremy joins the kids in a match of basketball and when I ask to join he doesn't let me.
"Not you, too," I say, pushing him off to take the ball from him.
"Didn't your doctor say something about your weird uterus?" I push him again while groaning. "Go," he says. "Go sit there next to her." He points at Sara whose eyes are focused elsewhere. "Get whatever issue you have handled while I kick their asses off."
"Fuck you," I mouth towards him which he responds to with a snicker then I walk towards Sara.
She looks up at me when I stand there facing her. Her eyes blink a few times before she averts her gaze. I pull a picnic chair next to her and sit down. "Can we not do this?"
"You're hurting me again," she says.
Hurting me again…I don't want to ever hear these words. I hate them. She can't tell she's hurting me as well. Why can't she just understand it? I know it's my fault but she's hurting me, too.
"I'm hurt, too." Sara shrugs. "I want her to know I am her mother."
"You lost that privilege when you kicked us out," she reminds me. "Now I just want to have another baby while I can and you're not letting me assuming that I'll be a terrible mother to my own daughter who you can't see as my kid no matter what just because I haven't pushed her out of my vagina."
"Slow down," I say calmly, counting under my breath, trying to control my words from causing an injury. "I never said that,"
"You actually did." She chuckles. We hear a scream before she could continue. It's loud and sonorous and followed by cries we can recognize so well.
The two of us stand up quickly, meeting Jeremy carrying a screaming and crying Sally. All the adults and the children gather around us as Sara and I panic looking at screeching Sally with her scraped knee red and bleeding.
"Just give me some space," Jeremy yells at everyone. "She fell down. Let me get her inside to wash the wound and clean it." Everyone makes room for him to walk except Sara who's physically fighting with him to carry Sally.
"Sara, get back," I shout at her. "You can't carry her."
"Leave me alone," she yells at me. "Leave my kid alone," she screams at Jeremy.
He ignores her and walks inside with the child while she follows. I catch the embarrassed look on my mother's face before I follow them. Again, I see an act of fighting over who would clean Sally's cut while the kid just cries.
"Just let her breathe," I scream again. "Goddamn it, move away." I push Jeremy to check the scratch and move her leg around. "Does it hurt so bad?" She shakes her head. "What hurts?"
"The cut," she says, hiccupping and sniffling. "It's bleeding."
"There's nothing wrong, honey. It's just a small cut." I kiss her forehead as Jeremy begins rubbing alcohol on the cut making it sting and making Sally scream. When she does, I see Sara cry. "You're alright. He's just cleaning it."
"There's barely a cut, Snowball," he says, putting a band-aid on it. "You're perfectly fine."
"I have to pee," she says quickly. Sara helps her get up. "I can walk, mummy." She lets go of Sara's hand and walks away to the bathroom.
"What's wrong with you two?" I ask both of them angrily but not loudly.
"He's acting like he owns her," Sara says.
"Why are you so jealous? Is it because I'm actually her dad?"
"Fuck you," I scream at him. "You know what? Fuck you, Jeremy. I told you she's not yours. She's not fucking yours. You signed a paper."
Sara's crying heavily by now. I don't know how I'll calm her down and get her to stop crying and the best thing I can do is leave. I look back and find Sally behind me. I jump a little and my heart begins drumming quickly. God, please tell me she hasn't heard any of that.
"Why is mummy crying?" she asks innocently. "I'm fine. I was just scared." She gives Sara a hug but Sara cries more.
I tell mum we're leaving and everyone starts wondering why. I am forced to lie and say that Sara's just exhausted and she got scared and it's getting late anyway. Jeremy tries his best to catch up to me to apologize but I ignore him. The car ride home is silent and sad. Sara doesn't stop crying and mum asks me in whispers if everything is alright many times but I can't answer while Sally's here.
I can only tell her about it when Sara takes Sally upstairs and leaves me alone with dumbfounded mum. I fill her in, getting her heart broken for Sara.
"What an asshole," she says. "Why would he do something like that?"
"I don't know." We hear footsteps coming down the wooden stairs, silencing our conversation. Sara appears at the doorway after a second. "You're okay?" She closes the door and what I can see in her eyes is the actual sense of pain and ire I have caused her years ago.
"I can't handle this," she says. "I can't do this anymore. Everyone wants to take my kid away from me." Her tears are resumed and I'm concerned Sally might be behind the door or doing something she's not supposed to while left alone.
"Why are you saying this?" mum asks worriedly. She looks at me with wrinkled brows. "Is it about Jeremy?"
"And her," Sara says. "She threatened to tell Sally she's her mother if I decided to have a child." Mum gasps, horror in her eyes. "Of course she didn't tell you that."
"Have your fucking child, okay?" I scream. "Have it. Have it and leave me alone."
I stand up to leave but mum stops me with a shout. She asks both of us to sit down, demanding we explain our sides so she wouldn't be left in the dark. When we're both done, she turns to Sara and say, "Do you think if she told Sally she's her biological mother things would change? You think your daughter will stop loving you?" Sara shrugs. Mum turns to me and adds, "And do you think doing this will fulfill the emptiness you have? Is this what you learned to do every time you make a mistake? Just cover it up with an even more stupid one? You actually think this will make you happy? This will fix your problems? Problems you have caused?"
She has a way of making me cry. Nobody can make me cry except her and Sara.
"And, Sara, can you even carry with your back? Can you give birth? Isn't it going to be hard?" Sara shrugs again.
"Your doctor said you can't," I say.
"None of your business," she answers.
"You two have to understand that you don't own each other's bodies and whatever you're doing is toxic. This affair is toxic. This ownership you have over one another is toxic. If you don't get your issues settled now, you never will." I know mum means me by all that even if she's not specifying her target. "I'm honestly tired of trying to get this…" She points with her hands at us. "…to work." Sara chuckles. "Your secret will probably be revealed if you keep doing this. And, trust me, Tegan, you don't want that."
Her last threat leaves me awake all night long, overthinking my decisions in life, crying over my luck. Her mistake has ruined my life and she expects me to live with it and accept it.
I'm just tired and I don't care anymore. If Sara wants to have her baby, so be it.