Sally
I've been on the phone all morning with Tegan. I received a text message last night informing me that my mother wasn't feeling well and Tegan had to take her to the doctor this morning.
I honestly don't remember the last time I spoke to Tegan more than three words during the past three years. Since that day she caused my mother to lose her ability to walk I have stopped talking to her. When I realized my mother was talking to her again, I lost it.
I knew Tegan was going through a lot and she was not aware of what she was doing but part of me still can't forgive her despite reading the letters. I haven't finished yet, but I still can't understand how my mother is back with her when she's just not fucking sane.
"Stay with me on the phone, Sally," Tegan says. "I'll put you on speaker and tell you what's going on." I hum, waiting impatiently. My legs are shaking in my mother's living room. I can also hear her footsteps around the house. I know she's scared, too. She wants to know what's going on with my other mother despite giving me the space to talk to Tegan alone.
Tegan grunts and I begin hearing the whispers.
"Put your leg here, honey," Tegan says. "Yes, love." I don't know what they're saying because my mother's voice is so soft and barely audible. "It's alright." I hear a chuckle. "Sally, are you with me?"
"Yes."
"I was getting her off the chair and onto the bed."
I nod, but then I realize she can't hear it so I give her a hum.
"So your mum is going through seriously terrible symptoms of menopause."
"Oh." I pause and hear more whispers. "What are they?"
"Very bad fever. Random bleedings." Tegan sighs. "Mood swings." She sighs again. "Cramps and pain and sadness, basically." A pause. "She's very upset."
"Why?"
No answer.
"I'm old, Sally," my mother finally says. "I'm just old."
"You're not. Shut up," Tegan says. "Come on. Remember when you hit those perimenopause or whatever? You thought it was the end of the world for you and look how many years you've lasted till you actually hit menopause."
I listen to their banter quietly, feeling a little better that mum is okay.
"Better than me who…" Tegan stops talking. She chuckles sadly. "Who just…never mind." She sighs dejectedly.
"I'm sorry," mum whispers.
"Don't apologize for my body's failures."
"My body failed, too."
"Just because you couldn't get what you wanted, it doesn't mean it failed. Life just…didn't…go your way."
"Did it ever?"
Silence.
I hear a kiss. I close my eyes patiently. A tear rolls down my lid.
Why? Why each other? I still don't get it.
"Sally," my mother calls.
"Yes, mum."
"Please forgive me and visit."
"I was never angry with you, mum." I sigh. "I still haven't finished the letters and I still don't get why you forgave her."
"Because you don't understand what I understand."
"I'm sorry, Sally," Tegan says. "I'm sorry I've been nothing but a disappointment to you." This time I chuckle. "I really can't do anything but give you my side of the story along with your mother's to get you to understand a little bit."
"I don't think I ever will," I say. "I have to go. I'm glad you're okay, mum. Please don't make me worried. Menopause isn't bad. Who wants a stupid period, anyway?"
Mum sighs for a long time then laughs a little. "Oh, Sally."
"What?"
"Nothing, honey. I love you," she says.
"I love you, too," I respond.
"I love you, too, Sally," Tegan says.
"Goodbye," I respond. I can't lie and say I love her any longer. Not after that fucking day
…
Sara
I don't know for whom I should be thankful the most. Stacy? Tegan? Emy? All three have been trying their best to maintain their patience with me through the past few months. I insisted on having a child of my own despite Tegan's concern I might desert Sally. When she finally let me do it, I expected my issue would be solved. I expected to get pregnant immediately.
Thing is in-vitro is expensive and I've already had two failed attempts and one incomplete attempt when I was with Stacy. I had the money for one procedure but not more after. I told everyone I was going to do it except Sally. She was just nine, how would she understand?
Tegan and Emy went to doctors with me and did the necessary work injecting me during my first try. I was excited despite everyone's nonverbal rejection. When I told my mum and sister about it they, too, weren't as supportive as I thought.
It's like everyone knew what I had been thinking about was crazy. Maybe they're right. Maybe it is. Maybe that's why it didn't work.
The embryos just didn't stick in me. It just didn't work. I couldn't get pregnant.
I wanted to try again, though. I didn't have the money and I could never ask Tegan for it though she saw how upset I was. Part of me still believes she was so happy I didn't get pregnant.
I didn't ask anyone, though. I instead doubled my work. I gave online therapy sessions and volunteered in a human right organization for a minimum amount of pay in order to save some money. I was determined to try again. I was so scared I would turn forty-three before trying.
Indeed I finally collected all the money required the past month and I contacted my doctor and did the proper examinations, listened to the warnings, and Tegan accompanied me to the procedure of the egg retrieval five days ago.
I received the call that the eggs had been fertilized and asked for two embryos to be transferred this time. That was three days ago. At night, Tegan called informing me she was travelling to Calgary urgently because her father wants her in his place for a week.
Fuck my life.
I called Stacy and asked her if she could accompany me during the embryo transfer procedure. She gave me the quickest yes I've heard from her.
She picked me up this morning with Sally asleep in her bedroom. Her summer break has just started and she sleeps till noon now. I told her, though, that Stacy is picking me up and we're going out to talk. I didn't want to fill her in just yet. Not when I'm not sure. I thought I would explain in-vitro to her if it worked. I'm not sure how much she knows at this age. She just turned ten three months ago and what I know is that she knows people have sex and get children and people go through hormonal changes and puberty. I try to monitor what she watches because she's smart enough to fish for the information she wants, but she doesn't care anymore.
The craze about finding out who her father is has died down since we returned from Calgary a couple of years ago. I guess Stephen's lack of affection has made her give up the idea that a father figure existing in her life can make it beautiful.
I had to deal with her having issues at school during this last year in fourth grade. She's not a very social kid and making friends is hard for her. She has most of my traits even though Tegan's her biological mother. She also likes things to be as organized and as clear as possible. She hates it when girls gossip and doesn't like it when they ask her about her two lesbian mums. She has told me that many times. I tried my best to tell her there is nothing wrong if they ask about us and she can talk about us all she wants as long as she's not trashing us, but part of me, sometimes, feels like she's ashamed of having two lesbian mums…who are not together.
One time she talked about it in front of Tegan and Tegan gave her a smart answer I haven't thought of.
"If they ask you what it's like to have two lesbian mums ask them what it's like to have two straight mum and dad." Sally laughed back then. "I'm serious. Flip the answer. They'll probably be like oh it's normal mum does this and dad does that and you'll be like oh, it's the same for me. Mummy does this and mama does that…or don't say mummy that might get you made fun of." Mummy is me. Mama is Stacy.
"What does who's the dad amongst your mums mean?" I remember when she asked that.
Before I could speak, Tegan answered, "Tell them my aunt is. Tell them my aunt is the dad and she wears the pants." I know Tegan was frustrated but her answers were smart enough. She was just trying to protect her daughter and make her proud of being in an alternative family.
Tegan and I discussed it that night. She told me she didn't think people would still ask these questions now. Things have changed and we expected people to have changed but some obviously haven't. But at least Sally's learning and accepting who she is through the group of women she has in her life. She was so excited for fourth grade to be over so she wouldn't have to see her classmates. This made me feel bad and I hope through the summer she would grow more confident about who she is and who we are to her.
"Sally's asleep?" Stacy asks me in the car.
"Yes. We watched Aladdin yesterday. She slept in my bed and then woke up at six in the morning and went to hers. She knew I'd wake up and move around and she'd wake up as a result." Stacy laughs a little.
"I can't believe she still sleeps in your bed."
"She's cute. I can't resist saying no to her." She laughs again. Sally sleeps in her bed with her sometimes, too. She's attached to the two of us and we cherish every moment of it.
"I bought her some sportsbras, by the way." I furrow my brows at Stacy. "Oh, come on. Haven't you noticed?"
"No," I say. "I mean…I have…of course I have since I still have to wash her hair for her when she showers, but it's just…fat. I mean she's not skinny and it's not actually…boobs, it's just weight."
She purses her lips together for a moment then speaks, "I don't want her to be self-conscious about her body right now. It's an awkward stage and I want her prepared. I'll talk her about it. Don't worry. " I swear Stacy was born to be a mother.
"I wore a bra when I was in grade eight." Stacy chuckles and nods.
"Me, too." She sighs. "But I spent the years before in baggy sweaters and folding my arms against my chest."
"Oh, tell me about it." I sigh. "Anyway, yeah. Talk to her about it…I'm kinda awkward."
"You shouldn't be. You're her mum. You have to talk to her about these things."
"I know I just…ugh. It's awkward for me." Stacy shakes her head. "I can be with you when you talk to her about it."
"Yeah okay. I also didn't want to take her with me because it might be awkward for her."
"Yeah. Don't be like Jessica announcing to the whole bra section that she's buying me my first bra." Stacy laughs loudly and I laugh in return as well.
We arrive to the clinic and she decides to accompany me through it all, even during the procedure. We've been there together before but things were different. Back then both of us couldn't stand each other. I was cheating and she could sense it. I felt forced back then. Like it was something I had to do. Though now we're not together and she knows that I sleep with my sister, having her in my life and in Sally's hasn't been better. We try not to show any closeness in front of Tegan, but I don't think she minds it anymore. There's still this uncomfortable thread between us, but we're both happier than before. At least I am.
"Are you okay?" she asks me after.
"Cramps," I answer hazily.
"That's normal. It's normal to have cramps after it," she tells me while driving. "The doctor said if it's terrible, call her."
"I don't know." I close my eyes. "It's worse than before."
"Do you want us to go back?" I can see the concern in her eyes but I can also see that she doesn't want to go back. We'll have to wait again. She'll have to wait with me again.
"No, no. I'm fine. Maybe I'm just tired. Just take me home."
The ride home is long and quiet. She asks if she can come inside with me and I allow her. I'm not in the mood to speak. I just hate this process and become very moody after it as I am anticipating its results.
"I'll cook," she announces while opening the door. "I want you to lie down and rest."
"Don't say anything to Sally." I walk inside, not looking behind me, heading straight to my bedroom.
I change my clothes and wash my face. I check in on Sally still asleep in her bedroom with the quilt thrown off her body. I cover her, hearing a groan, and then walk back to my bedroom. I lie down and start texting Tegan, telling her about the whole process.
I hope it works. It should work. I'm sick of it not working. I can't afford trying again. I really can't.
I cry a little bit until Tegan calls.
"Babe," I hear. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm okay." I pause and then begin to cry. "Is it going to work?"
"I really don't know."
"Why hasn't it ever worked? There's nothing wrong with me, is there?"
She huffs. "Sara, no. Your doctor said there's nothing wrong with you."
"I'm just too old."
"Well…you're certainly not in your 20s, but you can still get pregnant." But you don't want me to and you're happy I'm not becoming pregnant.
"Do you want to, Tegan?"
"Huh?"
"You…do you ever want to get pregnant?" Silence. I get no answer. "Tegan?"
"I can't." I hear a ticking sound.
"Why?" It gets louder. "Have you, like, wondered…I mean…"
"I can't. I can't have another child. My uterus is permanently damaged."
It's the pen. She's tapping it against the table. She's nervous and angry and sad.
"I am…" How come she hasn't told me about this? "When did you realize…"
"I don't want to talk about this right now," she interrupts irritatingly. "Please." Is that why she doesn't want me to? Is that why she wants to tell Sally she's her mother?
"Okay, sorry." But we're talking about it when you come home, Tegan. What does she hide from me? I thought we're together and we don't hide anything from each other anymore.
"Stacy took you?" she changes the subject.
"Yes."
"Aha." She's still jealous of her. She still thinks I might leave her and choose Stacy. She still doesn't trust me. I've never cheated on her. I cheated on other women with her, but never on her.
"She's still here," I come clean. "Cooking."
"And why is that?"
"Because I'm tired and I feel like shit." I close my eyes for a second and open them, watching Sally standing at the door. "And Sally's here, too." Which means you don't have to fucking worry, Tegan. I won't sleep with Stacy in front of Sally.
My daughter walks up to me in her sleepy state and sits on the mattress.
"Of course she is. Where would she be?"
Right…
"Do you want to talk to her? She's next to me."
"Why…oh…ohhh. Okay. I get it." I shake my head in disbelief. Our daughter is eyeing me dubiously. "Alright, I'll go."
Sally shifts closer to me, resting her head against my chest and closing her eyes. This girl will never grow old and I like it this way. She demands all type of affection from me. She loves to cuddle with me at night sometimes and she's always following me around wherever I go. She loves to sit next to me and talk to me. I want these moments to last despite me knowing that once puberty hits, she will probably change on me.
"That was Teetee?" she asks when I hang up.
"Yes." I kiss her head. "Did you wash your face and brush your teeth?" She groans at my question. "I'm sorry. I'm just checking."
"Of course I did." Her big blue eyes look up at me, scanning my face. "Why is mama here?"
"You saw her?" She nods.
"We want to talk to you about something." She furrows her brows. "When she's done cooking maybe."
"I'm hungry," she says with a yawn. "I'm gonna get breakfast."
"I'll come with you," I tell her. "Even though it's past one and this is so not time for breakfast." She moans in protest having had that discussion with me before. I don't like her lazy ways, but she claims that since it's summer break she has the right to sleep and wake up whenever she wants to.
I follow her to the kitchen where Stacy is chopping onions with the sleeves of her soft peach shirt rolled up.
"Hi, mama." Sally hugs her from behind while she's working. Stacy's face lights up with a smile. She turns her head to give Sally a kiss on her forehead and then focuses on the onions again. Her eyes are red because of the vegetable she's chopping.
"What are you making?" I ask.
"Gonna grill these, caramelize them and put them with the beef and then gonna put some peppers, too. I'll add noodles since the two of you prefer them over rice."
"Do I have noodles?"
"Yes. I checked."
I take look at Sally rummaging in the fridge trying to find something to eat.
"Snowball, I've made an omelet for you. It's in the oven. Just open it and take it," Stacy says.
"Yay." Sally dances around happily, her red cheeks becoming darker in shade.
"I'll get it for you," I say. "The oven might be hot."
"Aren't you supposed to rest?" Stacy asks.
I give her a look insinuating she should not discuss anything around Sally. I put the plate in front of my kid. I give her a slice of loaf and some jam and butter knowing an omelet alone doesn't do much for her.
"Why are you supposed to rest?" she asks me with her mouth full.
"My back hurts a bit, but now I'm fine." I stress the last sentence so Stacy can get the hint. "What do you wanna drink?"
"Milk," she chirps happily. "Do we have chocolate milk?"
"We don't. I'll get some later." She nods, chewing silently. "Are you staying with us for dinner?" I ask Stacy.
"Ummm…"
"I mean I'd love for you to stay." It would be rude to get her to go when she's the one cooking. "We can all eat together and talk about…that thing we talked about in the car."
"I'd love to stay." Her smile is happy and full of hope—hope which I must not spark. She is always full of life around me and Sally. I know she still loves me. I know she can be with whoever she wants and can have a family of her own and a life of her own but she has chosen the lonely route and my dysfunctional family because love, sometimes, kills everything in you just to keep one small thing alive.
I also spot Sally's jubilant smile. Her eyes are wide open with unnecessary expectations. Her round cheeks are rosy with excitement that both her mothers are spending time together and are on good terms.
There's a picture of Tegan seated at the kitchen table with a glass of milk in her hand, smiling happily at the camera. This is the exact same picture I can see right now. The only difference is the eye color. The hair is the same. The face is the same. The voice is a lot like mine when I was her age. She's growing up right before my eyes and noticing these simple moments temporarily makes me forget about my mental pain.
I don't know why this doesn't satisfy me. I don't know why I've been putting my body through all different types of medications, drugs, and hormones just to have something I might not be destined to have. I don't know why I want it, but I do. Maybe not knowing the reason I want to have a baby so bad is the reason I don't have any.
Stacy has wanted one, too. Her reasons were different. She wanted to experience the feeling of motherhood because I was selfish lending her this sensation while dating her. She couldn't, too. She had to remove her ovaries and breasts. She had to surrender to the possibility of having cancer if she didn't remove them. That was four years ago. She didn't do it here, though. She decided to be with her family and far away from Sally so my child wouldn't sense her pain. I wanted to be supportive, but things were still hard back then. Things are always going to be hard regarding that issue with her. I kind of feel like she's over it, but sometimes when my eyes travel down her blouse I can see her shifting uncomfortably, trying her best to distract me. I asked her once if she's getting a breast reconstruction surgery but she dismissed me by claiming she was not sure and then she changed the subject. I haven't asked her about it again.
Sally has noticed the irregularity once and asked me about it. I told her the truth but told her not to tell Stacy that she knew because it's a sensitive topic for her. I remember Sally googling what a mastectomy is since I track her browsing history through my phone. It's okay to learn about all of this but I don't want my kid confused, too.
When Stacy told me she's got Sally her first bra I wanted to talk to her about her situation, but I didn't. I wanted to tell her that Sally knows, but I didn't. I was too worried about my own problems. Now I'm afraid Sally might ask her about it during dinner. I don't want this to be sensitive for Stacy. I don't think it might be, but I can still feel her complex feelings towards this issue.
"So, Sally, baby, your mum and I want to talk to you about this thing," Stacy begins. Her eyes are facing my ten-year-old daughter while mine are focused on the food in front of me.
"Are you giving me the talk?" Sally raises her voice. "Because I know it."
"Uh…no," I say, after sipping some water. "It's actually about, umm, puberty, I guess."
Sally groans. "What about it?"
"We think it's time for you to start, umm…" Even Stacy can't do this. God, why is this embarrassing? She looks at me for a save, but she's looking at the wrong person. "Umm to start wearing a bra…well, a sports bra…" She pauses when Sally's reaction meets us. It's a mixture of horror, disgust, and puzzlement.
"If you want to, of course," I add. "We just noticed your breasts are starting to grow and we don't want you to feel awkward, you know, about that."
"This is awkward," she emphasizes. She looks down at her large white t-shirt and then looks up at us. "What am I supposed to do?"
"Umm, nothing. I got you some sports bras. The smallest size because you're still so small." I want to face-palm at Stacy's remarks because she's just making this worse than it is. "And I think you should try them on if you want."
"I don't want to," Sally says loudly. She shrugs. "None of my friends wear bras. I don't want to." Stacy looks at me and I sigh, shaking my head. "I'll just look like the weird kid, okay?"
"Okay, no worries," Stacy says with a shaken voice. "Just keep them with you until you think you should wear them."
"Ugh, whatever. I thought you're here because you're getting back together." She pushes her plate away and folds her arms against her chest.
Stacy and I exchange another look. This one is full of embarrassment, fear, and hesitation.
"We're always together, Sally," I say calmly. "We're just not in a romantic relationship together."
"I just wanna feel like I have parents. Like actual parents not two mums and an aunt who's always sleeping over in mum's bed and a dad you won't tell me about." I close my eyes slowly, biting on my lower lip to suppress the cramping pain I've just received amongst the pangs of half-hidden truth Sally has just revealed. I can spot Stacy's disappointed look. Sally shouldn't notice Tegan's constant presence, but she has and it's making her uneasy and I am at fault.
What if she knows? What if she has felt it?
"You're not proud of who we are?" I ask, swallowing the lump in my throat. "That we are not straight? Your mum and I?"
She freezes in her place. She wants to cry. I know she does. It's hard for her to admit it or show it, but she's going to.
"Sara," Stacy whispers. "I'm sure that's not what she meant."
"I'm not sure," I say angrily. "She wants to have a normal family. She means a mother and a father and that's it."
"That's not what I meant," Sally says. "I am sorry." Our eyes meet. Hers are full of tears despite not shedding any and mine are stinging with anger and pain—emotional and physical. "Sometimes I just wish you haven't broken up."
I stand up with a nod. "I don't feel well," I tell Stacy. "I'm in so much pain." I'm going to cry instead.
"Wh…" She stands up, too. "Do you want me to call the doctor?" I nod. "Is it so bad?" I nod again, crying a little bit. "Okay, umm, go to your bedroom. I'll be right back."
"What's going on?" Sally asks. That's the last thing I hear before heading to my bedroom and crying my heart out.
I want Tegan now. I want her to hold me close so I can cry in her arms. I want her to kiss me so I can feel better. I want what I can't have. I want it badly. I don't want to feel bad.
I can't call her and tell her that. She'll be worried. I don't even think she'll be empathetic with me. She doesn't like what I am doing. The only actually supportive person is Stacy. I guess she's the only one who, maybe, understands.
I let my thoughts numb my pain and take me to a lethargic state. I fall asleep suddenly and wake up at the sound of Stacy calling my name.
"Wake up, Sara," she whispers in the dimmed room. "You gotta take your meds." I squint at her. She has her hair in a ponytail now unlike the morning when it was straightened and loose. "Come on. Up." She attempts pulling me up, and I give in and let her control my body slowly. "Do you still have cramps?" I shake my head, swallowing my pill and drinking water after it. "I called her and she said that if these continue till tomorrow morning we have to go there. She said you should monitor yourself."
"For what?"
"Abnormalities, spotting, pain…you know." I nod. "It's around nine." She yawns. "I worried about you. Sally did so, too. She still thinks it's your back, but she kept checking on you."
"Oh." I rub my eyes. "Where is she?"
"In her room." She puts my bottle down on the nightstand and lifts my face so I can look at her. These touches would not be accepted by Tegan if she witnessed them. I should not be close to her right now, but, God, I do want her affection and warmth near me. I want someone to get me through the night. "She feels sorry for what she said. She really didn't mean it, Sara. She's a kid."
"I know. I know." I lie down again. "It just…I was caught by surprise hearing that comment about Tegan." She nods. "You were shocked, too."
"Can't say I wasn't." Stacy yawns again. "I wonder what she knows and what she does not know, Sara."
"We don't'…" I can't continue. This is not appropriate. This is embarrassing. I can't say it. "You know."
"Are you sure?" I nod. We don't have sex when Sally's around the house. At all. Not now when she's old enough to know what's going on. Plus, Sally always barges in on us and sometimes she wants to sleep in the middle. It's a habit I can't get her to let go of.
"I promise." Stacy nods. "She knows about...about your, umm…" Subconsciously, my eyes come in contact with her chest. Her face grows deep red. "I had to tell her."
"Why?" she asks.
It didn't sound hurt or surprised or frustrated. It was just a question.
"A few months ago she noticed that you didn't have…I mean she asked me why you didn't have any breasts. I asked her how she'd noticed that and she said that in the bathroom when you were washing her hair during her shower she noticed that your tank top was stuck to your chest and you were, umm, kinda flat." She nods silently. "I explained it to her." She nods again. "I'm sorry."
"No, it's fine." She sighs. "She's my kid. She has to know. She was bound to figure it out, anyway."
"Do you not ever think of getting, like, implants…like, a reconstruction?" She sighs with a smile then a tsk comes. "Why?"
"I want my body to stay this way. I don't care how it looks like. I've lost the feeling there anyway. It won't get back if I get fake nipples." I begin to cry right away. I don't know why. "Now why are you crying?" Her voice breaks.
"I don't know." I sniffle. "Because I just remembered your body and now I can't imagine it. I feel bad."
"It's the same. I just don't have tits." She laughs a little. "Here, I'll show you." With a soft sigh, she begins unbuttoning her shirt. "Don't feel bad."
My eyes focus on her chest as she rids herself off her shirt. With each button I can feel a loud resonant heartbeat coming from underneath my own shirt. When all the buttons are undone, I am met with a white tank top. She pulls it all the way up, giving me an image I have only seen in pictures. It's not really disturbing, but it makes me feel sad for her. It makes me think of Tegan. What if this happened to her? Would I still be able to look at this part of her? Sleep with her? Get turned on by her?
"What about sex?" I blurt out, finally looking at her face. She pulls her top down and shrugs. "Like, do you have it?"
"I don't," she answers confidently. "I mean…with myself only," she whispers sheepishly.
"Why not?"
"Well, the time I finally felt comfortable to actually go out and meet someone to sleep with me like a few months ago you called me at ten telling me Sally's sick and puking her guts out so I had to come over."
"Oh, shit. Sorry." She laughs. "That's it?"
"It's hard, Sara. It's hard to master the courage to go out and fish for someone to sleep with you when you don't know what their reaction might be regarding this. Plus, it has to be sex only. It's not easy." No, it's not, I guess. I haven't been there. I don't know the feeling. "You have Tegan to sleep with you whenever you want to. For me, I have to fish for that someone who would sleep with me whenever I want to, not judge me ever, and not date me so that I can still keep Sally around…and it's hard when you don't have tits."
"That's why I asked about the reconstruction." She nods.
"And I answered you." I nod, getting the hint that she doesn't want to speak about it anymore.
"Do you want to sleepover? Here? With me?"
"Huh?"
What the fuck is wrong with me? Tegan is going to kill me.
"Like, umm, you know, be with me tonight because I am scared something might happen. Sleep in my bed." She raises one eyebrow. "I won't have sex with you."
"I didn't even assume that." I am a fucking embarrassing idiot. "I am just…shocked."
"I could use the company and you're obviously sleepy." She chuckles with another yawn. "Grab something to wear from my closet and join me when you're ready. I have to go to the bathroom."
The last thing I see is her rubicund face. I leave her in my room to get changed comfortably and walk to the bathroom to pee and wash my face. After, I walk to Sally's bedroom and knock.
"It's open," she yells. Of course it's open. She doesn't even have a key in the door.
I push the door slowly and push my head inside. She lifts up her head from her phone and instantly removes her AirPods. "Mummy," she says like the little child she has been once. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I am." I walk up to her and smile softly. "Are you?" I ask.
"Yes." She pats the place next to hers on the mattress. "I'm so sorry, mummy." She gives me a tight hug the moment I sit and kisses my cheek. "I didn't mean to sound like I hate who you are."
"I know." I'm not sure, though. I brush her light brown hair to the back of her face and look into her eyes. "I don't ever want you to be ashamed of who you are or who your family is. Maybe you don't understand why people break up and separate now, but you will when you're old enough." She nods.
"I just don't get it sometimes because you seem so happy together and, like, I feel happy when you're happy."
"We're happy because we're not making each other's lives a living hell so these moments we spend together are moments of friendship not romantic ones." She nods again even though I guarantee she doesn't understand what I'm talking about. "Plus, I needed someone to help me today with my back and your aunt's out of town so…" She nods. "She's staying over. Sleeping in my bed."
"Really?" Her eyes grow big, full of tiny stars of joy. "Can I sleep there, too?" I laugh, nodding. At least this will keep me from doubting myself and my intentions. And if anything goes out to Tegan, Sally can confirm she was sleeping in the middle.
"Can we watch a movie?" I nod again, standing up. My eyes meet the screen of her phone and I squint at her choice of shows. "This is…" She hesitates noticing I realized what she's been watching. "My friends told me to watch it."
"Sex Education is not appropriate for you. It's full of nudity, Sally." She nods. "Give me that." She hands me her phone immediately. "Holy shit, you're staring the second season. Have you watched the entire first season?" She nods guiltily. "You're ten. You should be watching cartoons." I sign out of Tegan's Netflix account and remove the app from her phone. It's not like she won't download it again, but it'll give me time to text Tegan to change the password before she does. "Did you even understand most of the things there?" She remains silent. "Who's that friend?" She shrugs her shoulders. "Tell me or I'll call all your friends' parents telling them their children are watching this disgusting show."
"Brianna," she whispers guiltily. "Her sister watches it and she saw it and watched it."
"Isn't Brianna's sister in grade eleven?" She nods. "You're not even in grade five yet."
"I'm sorry." Her frown is trembling. She's about to cry. "I'm not gonna do the things they do." I take a deep breath and give her the phone back.
"Next time I see something like this, I'm confiscating your phone, Sally." My tone is angry and full of rage but she shouldn't see such scenery. She shouldn't go down this road so early. She's my baby and she should stay this way.
"Can I still sleep with you and mama?" she asks timidly. One tear rolls down her eye and she wipes it away immediately.
"Yes, you can. But I'm telling your mum what you've been watching."
"No. Please no. No, mummy. She'll be disappointed and give me another sex talk. That's all she does." I laugh loudly, knowing too well Stacy is one of those mums who won't shut up about this.
"Fine." I'll tell her, just not now. Not in front of Sally. But, most importantly, I have to text Tegan about it quickly.
As expected, Tegan responds with laughing emojis and stickers and a promise she's going to change the password but a comment that she was already trying to watch porn when she was Sally's age but the access to it was harder than it is nowadays.
For fuck's sake, Tegan, I don't want my daughter to end up like you. I want her to stay a child as long as she can. She can't still sleep in my bed, cuddling up to me and Stacy, asks me to wash her hair while she showers, and gets me to tuck her in and then watch porn. This is wrong. She's a baby and that's it.
In the morning, I receive a text message from Tegan telling me she has spent all night binging the first season of the show.
Our kid probably knows about masturbation, has seen a dick and a couple of disturbing sex scenes. You should probably call Brianna's parents and tell them what their kid is watching. And you should probably talk to Sally about what she's seen.
"Fuck," I say first thing in the morning.
"Huh?" Stacy questions. I look down at Sally asleep between us and then motion to the door. "We should talk."
I tell Stacy about my discovery in the kitchen. I also tell her about Tegan's comment. She's shocked, I can see. I ask her to be calm and pretend that she doesn't know because Sally has begged me not to tell her.
"Give her few more months and she'll be watching porn day and night."
"Umm…well, it's…it's bound to happen, but she's so young and she shouldn't see this." I still remember when mum discovered Joy watching porn. I think she was eleven or twelve. Mum was furious and she had every right to be. "The thing is she's seen so much. I remember watching the first episode of this show a couple of years ago and I remember it being filled with nudity."
"We have to talk to her about it," Stacy says. "You can't just leave her like this…she's seen so much now."
"I'll do it," I tell her. "She doesn't want you to know." I know this hurts her, but she should be flattered that Sally's actually too scared to let her know because Stacy's strict and she's been playing the mum role even more than I have been.
I take Sally out to dinner that night. We go to her favorite Italian restaurant and order a couple of things to eat together. Mum, Tegan, Stacy, and Emy have been checking on me all morning, but I am fine. I don't have any cramps and there's nothing wrong with me. Now I just have to wait for these two weeks to pass and see if the embryo has stuck or not.
"I talked to your auntie about what you were watching last night," I begin navigating through the subject, interrupting her rambling about the clothes she wants me to buy her before she begins fifth grade.
"Why?" she says loudly. "Mummy, I said I'm sorry."
"Sally, what you were watching was highly inappropriate." Her frown gradually increases in size. "I had to ask her what that show contained and she was so shocked. She told me it continued seriously disturbing scenery."
"Everyone watches these things," she says.
"Who's everyone? Where are their parents?" Maybe my voice has become louder and people are noticing. I can see she's scared of my tone so I use a gentler one and continue, "Baby, I don't want you to be shocked. I want you tell me exactly what you have seen and whatever you don't understand so I can explain it to you." She remains silent, moving her pesto pasta around, shrugging her shoulder. "Sally…"
"I didn't know it had naked people," she says. "I tried to skip the inappropriate parts but…I didn't even understand anything. I just wanted to sound cool having watched it. Everyone has seen a…penis except me and when I told Brianna that, she said she only saw one in this show because she, too, doesn't have brothers." My eyes are wide as I am digesting her information. I know I look like I am going to burst any second and it's true I am, but I truly have to be more patient.
"So it's about looking at a penis." She looks down with face burning with embarrassment. "What would knowing what a penis looks like change?"
"I would understand." She drinks water and looks me in the eye. When I furrow my brows, she continues, "What everything looks like and not stay in the dark."
"Why didn't you just ask me?"
"You wouldn't have shown me a penis."
"Sally, have you googled what a penis looks like?" She nods. "Shit…"
"But nothing appeared. At all." Oh, right, parental control. Tegan set these a long time ago.
"I'm not sure what you've seen in the show but the penis your friends have seen from their naked baby brothers is different from the one you've probably seen." She squints at me. "When a man gets older, his penis gets bigger, too."
"Like boobs?" I nod. "Like how your vagina has hair and mine doesn't?"
"Kinda." I take a deep breath, drinking more water. This conversation can't get any worse.
"And in sex he pushes his penis in a woman's vagina?" I glare at her loud voice when a middle aged man and his wife sharing the table next to us give us a look of puzzlement.
"Yes, Sally."
"Doesn't that hurt?"
"How would I know?" I shrug, staring at my food. "I haven't been with a man." And she definitely doesn't need to know about the existence of dildos.
"How do lesbians have sex if they don't have a penis?" God is testing me, I swear.
"They umm…" God, what should I tell her? I can't do this. "Umm…it's…"
"You're so shy, mummy." She giggles. "I know how they do it. My friends talked about it."
I need a drink. I can't do this. But I also can't drink because of the embryo. I need Tegan here. How am I therapist and a counselor and a fucking mother and sister if I can't talk to my daughter about these things?
"What did they…say?"
Sally shrugs. Now it's her turn to look as bashful as I am.
"Tell me." I have to master the courage. "Tell me so I can correct you if it's wrong."
"You put your fingers inside each other's vaginas and…lick them, too…like…lick the vaginas." She looks at me with a wrinkled face and I nod slowly. I've got to have a talk to the parents of her friends. "Is that correct? Did you and mama do this?"
"Yes," I say. "And you won't get it now and it's disgusting and disturbing to you because you're young and you're not even supposed to understand this right now. In few more years you might, umm, understand why we do that."
I hope you'll be twenty until you do, Sally. I hope you won't ever discover your sexuality in my house or masturbate or watch porn or realize you have sexual needs because I don't think I can handle this.
"Eww…I don't want to," she says. "I don't even want a penis in me. It looked disgusting. I just want to be me."
I smile at her, handing her the garlic bread basket to take some. "Good. Now eat." She takes one, humming to herself. "And from now on, any inquiry about the human body should be directed to me, not your friends. I'm a better information provider than them. Trust me." But how can she do that when I just stuttered the whole conversation and blushed like an idiot?
I narrate the whole disastrous conversation to Tegan who continues laughing for as long as I can remember. She says that I've done a good job despite everything and that she's proud of me and misses me.
"I miss fucking your pussy, too," she whispers. "I touch myself thinking of you, Sara."
"Don't get me horny; I'm not supposed to have sex at all." We both sigh simultaneously. "I want you to spend the night when you're back tomorrow, though. I do miss your scent on my pillow."
Now it has Stacy's. I don't want it to linger long. I want Tegan's. I had to change the sheets and pillowcases.
"I'm all yours."
But Sally ruins it for me when she tells her that Stacy has slept over. Though Tegan doesn't lose her temper over dinner, when we're alone in the room she reprimands me angrily.
"Nothing happened, I swear."
"How can I believe there's nothing in your heart for her?" She shakes her head. "You won't ever learn. You won't ever stop. It's always either Emy or her with me. You can't just settle."
"I swear to God, Tegan. I was in so much pain and I was scared something would happen. I needed her here. Sally slept in the middle." I begin to cry, begging for her to understand.
"You didn't even tell me because you were scared."
"Because of your reaction," I scream. "I'm scared of your fucking reaction."
"Yet you're the one screaming and yelling right now," she says loudly. "All I ask of you is to be faithful to me, Sara. Why can't you?"
"I am," I shout. "I fucking am. I haven't touched anyone but you since Emy."
"What about your heart?" She hits her own chest angrily. "What does it feel?" She begins crying, too. "It feels things for her. I know it. I know you still have feelings for her."
"No. I don't," I lie. "I only love you." What if Sally is hearing this? I don't want her to hear any of this.
"I'm not sure I believe you."
"Please do." Shakily, I walk up to her touching her twitching leg. "I love you and no one but you." I wrap my arms around her shuddering body and attempt kissing her cheek but she pushes me away gently.
"I'm very angry and upset and I think I should not be here around you right now because I might lose my temper." She storms out, leaving me crying on my own.
She will never believe my love for her is the only one I will hold on to. She thinks just because I have dated Stacy for a long time, and that to Sally we are one family and she's just an aunt, I will go back to her. I don't think I can ever go back to anyone. My life is just good the way it is. I am happy being the single mother to my daughter. I am happy with Tegan passing by to spend the night with me and when Sally's with Stacy, we have sex either in her place or mine.
"Mummy?" I look up at the sound of my daughter's concerned voice. I sniffle and wipe my tears. "What happened?" I shake my head and clear my throat. "Why did she make you cry?"
"It's nothing, honey. It's just some issue we were arguing about." She walks in and closes the door. "You don't have to worry."
Her steps are slow towards me but the moment she's seated beside me her pale arms wrap around my torso. I sniffle more and wipe a few falling tears. "I don't want to see you cry." She pushes her head against my chest and I stroke her hair. "Don't cry."
"I am not crying. I'm fine." I attempt smiling, but more tears come out. "Do you want to spend the night here?" She nods immediately. "Okay. Change into your pajamas and join me in bed. I just need to use the bathroom now."
I check for messages from her in the bathroom, for apologies, for comments, but nothing. I don't get why she can't trust me when our daughter was right here sleeping between Stacy and me. I don't get why she got so angry and left me when I need her the most right now. I don't get Tegan sometimes. I still don't get her anger, her outbursts, her issues, her everything. I don't get why I love her madly, but I fucking do and I have to pay for it every day.
Sally's already in bed waiting for me when I walk inside. I take off my blue jeans and grey sweater then put on my white pajamas. I remove my bra from underneath my shirt and put every piece of clothing on the chair opposite to my bed. I tie my hair with my black hair tie and switch the light off.
Sally claws my presence with her arms and legs; wrapping her limbs around me as if I am going to run away the way Tegan did tonight. I put my hand behind her back and rub softly, making sure she knows she's safe with me and I am never leaving her.
"I love you, mummy." I kiss her head and whisper my love back to her. "I love you this way and I don't want you to be with anyone else."
What's the occasion? Why is she saying this?
"Not even Stacy?" I mumble.
"No," she whispers. "You said you're happier this way. I want you to be happy all the time and I want to make you happy all the time."
My daughter is so attached to me and I love it more than I love anything in this world. I love it more than I love Tegan sleeping here beside me, more than I love her touching me, more than I love spending time with her. I love Sally's love way more because it reminds me of my capability and it makes the hardest times easier for me.
Sally and I wake up early the next morning. Stacy's picking her up to take her to the dentist and she's as cranky as Tegan is when her sleep is disrupted. I poke fun of her moodiness as she totters around to the bathroom.
"Don't fall asleep on the toilet," I tease. A groan is the immediate response. "I'll be in the kitchen. Call me when it's time to wash your hair." Another groan meets the slamming of the door.
I check my phone again and there isn't any message from Tegan. There's one from Emy checking on me so I respond to her and begin preparing breakfast for Sally and me.
I leave to the bathroom when she calls me, taking off my pajamas and wrapping the towel around my body before pushing the curtain and closing the tap. She rubs her eyes with closed fists and waits for me to grab her brush.
"Did you wash well?" She nods. "Sit down." She does immediately. She sits on the ledge of the tub, facing the wall while the back of her head faces me. I begin brushing her hair gently. "Hand me the shampoo."
Her hair is too long and she doesn't want to ever cut it. Every three months I trim it for her, but she doesn't let me cut more than an inch. So this has caused us a problem because she doesn't wash it well. I had to deal with several cases of lice throughout the years where I had to brush her hair well using the lice shampoo and since then she got used to me brushing her hair in the shower and washing it. I don't mind doing this, but it gets tiring having to do it almost each morning.
"Sara?" I hear my sister's voice calling, taking me by surprise. "Are you in the bathroom?"
"Yes, I'm here," I answer while rinsing Sally's hair.
"I'm coming in," she says, opening the door immediately.
"No, no, don't let her…," Sally protests but Tegan is already inside.
"Oh, shit. Sorry, I thought you're here alone." I give her a deadly glare because the kid is not so small anymore and she shouldn't be barging in on me in the bathroom.
"Get out," Sally speaks through gritted teeth. "Go away."
"Fine. Fine." Tegan is laughing. "I can't believe you still let your mum bathe you." She leaves with that comment, making my daughter feel self-conscious about her choices.
"Don't listen to her. There's nothing wrong with me washing your hair." I start brushing again now that her hair is clean.
"Why doesn't she ever knock?" Sally is obviously irritated with Tegan's behavior. It could be due to the reason she left me crying last night and now she's acting like nothing's going on. Maybe she's just embarrassed Tegan has walked in on her naked. "She doesn't know what privacy means when it comes to us, but she doesn't ever let me see her in a bra."
And that's because I have threatened Tegan if Sally ever saw her piercings or discovered them, I would be very upset with her. I didn't know Sally has seen worse. Still, she shouldn't realize her aunt has piercings in such places. She won't shut up about it.
"Why do you wanna see her in a bra?" I chuckle.
"I don't." I pass the towel to her and wrap one around her head. "I just don't like how she doesn't respect your privacy."
"It's fine, honey. She's my sister. I don't mind her seeing me naked. You see me naked, too."
"I'm your daughter. It's different." I raise my eyebrow at her. "I've come out of you and you fed me so it's like I've seen you naked." Interesting perception. "But she's not."
"Well, I see her naked, too. Sometimes. It's not a big deal. We're all family." I try my best to make it seem normal why Tegan and I are very close so she wouldn't connect any dots and wouldn't feel weird about it. "And she's your aunt, Sally. She used to wipe your butt when you were potty trained and she's given you many showers before."
"I was young. It's different." I hum as she rambles on about Tegan, waiting for her to leave the bathroom so I can shower in peace.
"You know I can hear you talking about me?" Tegan says from behind the door.
"I don't care," Sally answers.
"Okay, Sally, leave now. Let her come in and say what she wants while I'm showering." Sally rolls her eyes at me. "Kid."
"Fine." She leaves, and Tegan comes in with a flushed face and a nervous smile.
"I thought she would be asleep. I wanted to talk to you about last night. I thought she wakes up at noon."
"She has a dentist appointment. She's getting braces." I rid myself off my towel and underwear then hop into the shower, closing the curtain and leaving her behind.
"Oh," she says faintly. Through the shadow of the curtain, I can see she's sitting on the closed toilet seat. "I'm sorry about last night."
"I want you to lower your voice because she might be eavesdropping."
"Eavesdropping?" I hum, shampoo getting into my eyes. "Why would she?"
"I don't know. God knows where she got this bad habit from." I hear the faint guilty giggle as realization strikes her. "You hurt me."
"You hurt me," she says, emphasizing that she was the one hurt and not otherwise. "I really couldn't sleep. I felt betrayed."
"You don't have any right to feel betrayed," I say while rinsing my hair. "She's my friend and my boss and to Sally she's her mother so…"
"It's hard, Sara."
I reach for the shaving cream and squeeze some on my palm then spread it all over my right armpit to start shaving there. "It isn't. It's the same with Emy. Me sleeping in the same bed with Emy not having sex with her is the same as me sleeping in the same bed with Stacy not having sex with her. The only difference is that you like Emy and hate Stacy."
"Except that you love both of them," she strikes me with the truth. "You do that and I know it and we all know it so it hurts me."
"I love you, Tegan. I only love you." I begin shaving my left armpit. "There's loving you and there's loving them and loving you is nowhere in the same scale as loving them."
Silence. She sits there and says nothing the entire time I'm washing my body and shaving.
When I push the curtain aside and meet her in my full wet nudity, I watch her eyes scan my body up and down, stripping me off my skin and filling me with hunger I cannot ask of her to appease.
"So if you're pregnant, how long can we wait till we can have sex?" she asks bluntly.
"Till the pregnancy hormones escalate well." I take my towel and dry my body. "Or maybe till I'm in my sixth week. I'm not quite sure. It depends on what the doctor would say."
I might be pregnant right now. This embryo might not fail me. It's all so surreal to me and it makes me feel giddy. The waiting game is hard, but I have to go through it again. This time I'm not taking anyone with me to the doctor. I'm going by myself to know whether it has worked or not.
But what if I am not? That will be sad. I will cry. I won't be able to drive back.
Maybe I should get a pregnancy test first and see. I know in these situations it's not really accurate. It all depends on the hormone level at the end, but it's better. At least I'll know before going there.
Tegan spends the night that day. We kiss a little bit and apologize to each other. Sally's not home because she's spending the weekend with Stacy. We go out on a date and we meet Emy and Vivian the day after. I finger Tegan in bed at night and go down on her in the morning. I wish I can be touched but I have to resist.
When Sally's back home, she occupies my time again and Tegan disappears in her work hurricanes again. When night comes and Tegan visits, asking to spend the night, Sally doesn't like it and insists she's the one who was supposed to sleep in my bed that night.
"We can all sleep together on the same bed," Tegan says. "And I don't get why you don't sleep in your own bed."
"I don't like it," Sally answers angrily. "She's my mum, not yours."
I know my daughter is developing a serious case of the Oedipus Complex, but to me it's more entertaining than concerning. I love watching them fight over who would sleep next to me in bed. They are merely different versions of one person. Sally is Tegan and Tegan is Sally except that one is the mother of the other. They argue like sisters sometimes and they talk like best friends other times. When they watch an animated movie or play video games it's the best thing to watch because it's like having the family I have dreamed of be present around me.
"She's my sister," Tegan says.
"I don't get why you don't get a girlfriend or boyfriend or something and leave my mummy for me."
I lift up my head from my phone, meeting Tegan's gaze. I shrug and sigh. It's not like she hasn't voiced this wish before. This time maybe Tegan can answer her.
"You do realize your mum is not yours? She's her own person."
"No, she's mine," Sally argues despite knowing Tegan's point is accurate. "And I'm hers," she continues.
"Snowball, you should not be jealous of your aunt," I interfere. "And I am not yours, honey. One day you might not find me."
"Why?" she asks loudly. "Where would you go?" I sigh and join them at the table. "Are you going to leave me?"
"No, I'm just saying that one day you'll get old and move out. You'll probably find a lover…"
"No," she screams. "I won't. I don't want to love anyone. I only want to make you happy."
It seems like talking to her is pointless. She won't change her mind. She's doing this on purpose to win the fight. She's her mother's child and Tegan herself recognizes this attitude later when we're talking about her impulses and behavior.
"I'm telling you, Sara, that's what I used to think when I was her age. I was so fucking attached to my mother. I hated her having boyfriends. I didn't like anyone complimenting her but me. I was just so…"
"But your case is different," I argue. "Your mum's boyfriends were abusive and disgusting and you wanted her to be with your father and…" I shut up, realizing it's exactly the same thing. Tegan is the abusive boyfriends and Sally can probably feel it though it's not clear. Sally does want me to go back to Stacy, too.
"It's the same shit all over again," Tegan says. "This is fucked up. I want her to love me not consider me a threat."
"Get close to her. Be friendly, not competitive," I direct with a hand on hers.
"I am not competing with her."
"She thinks you are." Tegan sighs. "I guess she just thinks life is like that. Us two living together. I cook her food and she tells me stories about her classmates and friends and then we watch a movie and sleep on the same bed. She thinks that's what life is and that's what making me happy is."
Tegan laughs a little bit. "When she said she wants to be the only one who makes you happy I was like once she realizes that people making others happy requires cumming, she'll change her mind." I tsk at my sister and lover, but a moment later I burst in laughter and she laughs along, too.
The next couple of days go smoothly with Tegan attempting to be on Sally's good side. They play video games like usual, we eat together, and sometimes we go out. But Tegan only spends the night once because she has so much work to do and she wakes up too early for Sally and me. I guess I got used to the habit of waking up as late as Sally does now.
I decide maybe I should get a pregnancy test since my appointment is in two days. I haven't witnessed a spotting or any cramping since then. I'm not sure if it's a bad or a good sign, but I have had multiple reactions so far after each time that I lost track of them. All I know is that last time I did see spotting and I turned out not pregnant, so maybe I am now.
Maybe tomorrow morning I can wake up earlier than Sally and get a test and take it secretly. She has piano practice in the afternoon. Maybe I can take it then. I just want to get it over with and know already.
Even Sally notices my uneasiness over dinner. Tegan couldn't show up today to relax me and distract me. "Mum," she says as I am chewing.
"Mmm?" I look up at her silent face.
"Is there something going on?"
"What?"
"Are you okay?"
"Yes, I am." I give her a smile and put more food in her plate. "Come on, eat."
"You're putting more food in my plate when you usually tell me to stop eating much. You only offer more food when you're nervous. I noticed you've been doing it a lot lately. Last week in the restaurant when we were talking about penises you gave me garlic bread." I feel the fire climb up to my face at her witty realizations. She notices every fucking thing. She knows me more than anybody else and she's just a kid.
"I have some cramps," I tell her. "I just have some…"
"We promised we wouldn't keep secrets from each other, mummy." God, Sally, my whole life is a secret. Your whole existence is one. I know we promised each other that but I am a fucking liar.
"Yes, Snowball. Of course." I drink some water, feeling a stomach pain and I'm not sure if it's because of my nerves or the food is just not sitting well with me. "I have some cramps. Period cramps," I lie more. I do have some very light ones but I think that's just my stomach. "They're terrible."
"Okay."
"I sure hope you don't ever have cramps when you start getting periods," I blabber some more to distract her. She usually becomes very uncomfortable talking about this. I don't know why and I tried to make it seem normal to her because she might start hers soon but she just hates when I talk about it and always grows awkward and silent. Even Stacy has noticed.
"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" she asks right after.
"Isn't that what you've been doing for the past week without even asking me?" I raise one brow at her, making her blush in her seat.
"I know but tonight you're in a bad mood and in pain and I don't want to annoy you."
"You don't ever annoy me, honey." I stand up, beginning to clean the table and putting the dishes in the sink to wash them. "Why do you like to sleep in my bed, though?"
"I like how your bed feels." She giggles. "It's big and nice and feels comfortable and smells good and you hold me and I like it when you do that." God, I love having her as my daughter. This is really the greatest gift I have ever received. After years of pain and patience, I can finally feel how worthy it is to keep her with me and not give her away. I have never doubted it, but it feels so beautiful to have her around.
I play The Princess Diaries for us before falling asleep and text Tegan wishing her a good night. She texts back after an hour telling me that our father is being an asshole and she's probably going to be working all night because of him.
Sally falls asleep on my shoulder at the end of the movie. I switch the TV off and pull the covers up to her chin. I attempt to sleep but it seems like my lie has become truth and now I have seriously agonizing cramps. I toss and turn until I finally fall asleep.
I wake up some time through the night feeling what I have been dreading the most. The wetness in my underwear cannot be what I think it is, but I can feel it strongly and I know the difference between menstrual wetness and just plain discharge. I push the duvet a little to look between my legs but my black pajama shorts are very inconvenient and there's nothing on the bed. Maybe it's just discharge.
I leave the bed slowly, yet I hear Sally's groan and faint call for me. "I'm going to the bathroom," I answer. "Go back to sleep."
I walk up to the bathroom quickly and as soon as I'm there, I lower my shorts and underwear.
I freeze.
Blood.
I spend a moment looking at it, trying to absorb what's happening. More blood falls down and it's not just spotting. It's thick period blood.
I begin to cry immediately. I look at it and cry loudly. So loud that Sally shows up at the door.
"Mum?"
"Sally, leave," I shout at her. "Leave now." I pull my underwear and shorts up right away, pushing her out of the door. The look of confusion and horror on her face is frightening, but I can't explain anything right now.
I slam the door the hardest I could and sit down on the floor crying at my unlucky situation.
I didn't even wait this time. I didn't even get the chance to go to the doctor and be disappointed. I didn't have the chance to get the test and be shocked knowing it. No, I had to get a period even though I am taking my meds and I'm not supposed to get it until I stop them.
"Why?" I scream as I stare at the ceiling as if answers are going to rain down on me. "I just want this thing from you. This goddamn thing. One thing."
I cry there on the floor, locking my scared daughter out of the bathroom until I hear Tegan's voice banging on the door, begging me to open or she will break it.
Sally
I remember this day. I remember it clearly because I couldn't ever understand what was happening and why mum was having that breakdown on the bathroom floor.
All I remember is waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of her loud crying. My heart almost jumped out of my chest thinking something bad might have happened. I guess to her it was. But I just thought maybe death approached someone. My aunt? My grandma? I was scared. I ran barefoot to the bathroom where she stood there turned around staring at her underwear. I didn't understand anything or why she was crying like that.
She kicked me out and continued her wailing. I assumed it couldn't possibly be her cramps. I had been told they hurt but I couldn't understand or measure what type of pain. I hadn't ever seen her cry because of cramps so I had to call my aunt.
I called from my phone a couple of times until she finally picked up. I hadn't realized it was some time after three in the morning. "Sally? What…is Sara okay?" I sensed her panic and fear right away.
"No," I answered. "She woke up a few minutes ago and locked herself in the bathroom and she's been crying. I don't know what's wrong." I remember crying while talking to her. She lived on the opposite street. It only took her a few minutes to cross the street and rush inside in her pajamas and panic.
She banged on the door and begged mum to open, but mum didn't. She had to break the door. She pushed it with all her strength and fury and we were inside within seconds. I remember the conversation, but I've never understood it until now.
I remember the way she put her hands around my mum's face and kissed her forehead, whispering that it was going to be okay and that she should be thankful for me. I didn't know why me in particular, but now I do. I guess now I understand the panic and love in that moment. I guess now I can see it better.
"Come on, Sara, I can't carry you. Let's go to the room, honey." She tried to lift mum up, but mum wanted to give up and stay there on the floor in her tears and misery.
"I'll get you clean underwear and when I get back, I want to see you up with a pad in your hand. I'll help you, don't worry." She pushed me gently out and whispered that my mum was in pain because of her menstrual cycle and I should go back to sleep and not worry.
"No, I don't want to. I wanna make sure she's fine."
"She is, baby. She is. It's just terrible cramps."
"I wanna hug her."
"Do you know how to make hot milk?" I nodded. "Can you make her a glass?"
"Yes. I will." I went to the kitchen with a mission. Mum has taught me for the times she's out and I have to make breakfast for myself.
I prepared the milk and went to the bedroom where mum was on the mattress, duvet up to her chin as she shivered and cried. Tegan was brushing her hair out of her face and stroking her cheek.
"Look, here's Sally with the milk." Mum looked at me and sniffled. I remember how red her eyes looked. I hadn't seen them so red and swollen before. "She made you some milk so you can feel better." I tried to give it to mum, but her hands were shaking so Tegan took it and forced mum to drink despite her trembling lips. "You're going to feel better now."
Had I known the reason my mother was crying, I would have made sure not to ever hurt her feelings. Had I known, I would have hugged her tightly in that moment and made her feel whole.
"You have this beautiful daughter here. You have her and she's all yours. You shouldn't cry." Back then I didn't understand why Tegan was saying that, but now I do. "You're almost forty-three, Sare. It's hard for you. It's very hard to even do it and go along with it. Maybe this is better." Now I know what all of this means.
I still remember mum's weary eyes gazing at me through breathy sniffles. I remember the fear she had that I might find out why she was actually crying.
To her, she failed to feel what Tegan had felt. Now I understand why she was sad this morning when I talked to her. To Tegan, mum is the only winner. I think I see things more clearly now—just a little bit clearer—but I still can't forgive the pain Tegan has caused.