Trigger warning: mentions of abuse and fat-shaming.
It's almost over!
Sally
I arrange the few remaining letters on the coffee table in front of me and take a deep breath. What I have read only shows me love, patience, pain and care. I haven't seen the monstrous side of Tegan yet. This side I saw when I was sixteen. The monster that she turned into in a brief moment. It isn't in any of these letters. It was in one…when she hurt mum for the first time. But never after. How did she change into that person? I don't understand. I really don't. There are about four letters left and all I see is a sweet aunt. God, all I remember is a sweet aunt.
"Snowball, dinner's ready," Stacy says as she walks in to the room. She glances at the letters spread on the table and wipes her wet hands against her jeans. "Almost done, huh?"
I take a pensive look at her tired face with wrinkles on the sides of her lips and the corners of her eyes. "Yes," I whisper confoundedly. "And I still don't get why she's done all that. I was just reading a letter that has the story of me hitting that boy in grade six and there's this whole conversation I've forgotten about."
Stacy walks in closer to me, standing behind the couch I'm seated on. "I remember that day."
"Yeah…we talked about her being abusive then. I remember it. She cried and told me she doesn't want me to be like her and told me about her mental illness." Stacy nods. "What happened then? She was alright. Like…she started changing a little because of her uterus issue but…I didn't expect it to be like that…I…" I shake my head. I can't understand.
My mother sighs and joins me on the couch. "Look, Tegan hurt your mother, hurt me, hurt Emy…hurt you…she hurt herself…it's true…Like, I'm the last person who should be defending her right now but what happened that day was out of her control. She had already been dealing with acute depression for a year…and it's because of the uterus issue."
It's because of me, isn't it? I know it is. That's why I don't want to continue reading. Maybe that's why I have always wanted to stop reading and felt ashamed. It wasn't the sister thing or the abuse thing but the fact it's because of me this huge fight happened and now my mother's forever on a wheel chair. "But she broke mum," I finally say when I remember. "She put her in a wheel chair. She almost killed her. She almost choked her to death…" I begin crying as I remember the bloody scene in front of me, the crying and the screams, the begging for her to stop…mum lying on the floor with her blood and tears…I can't get this image out of me. The three years full of pain afterward. Emy and Stacy taking shifts with her at the hospital, at home, during therapy…It's all because of her. How can I forgive her?
"I know," Stacy says, sighing. "I guess that's why we're all shocked." She shrugs. "She says she healed and is on her meds again and she won't stop them."
"She wasn't taking her meds when it happened?" Stacy shook her head. "Why?"
"She was taking other meds for her depression and then she felt like they weren't doing anything and she was in so much pain and had many problems because of the whole prolapsed uterus thing that she just stopped caring and stopped taking all the meds…then many things happened that I think you should read in the letters because the food is getting cold and I think your mothers explain themselves better than I do."
"My mothers." I chuckle, shaking my head. "You are my mother," I emphasize, kissing her cheek. "You are…and Sara…not her."
"She is," Stacy says, "and so is Sara…and so I am," she continues with a smile. "We're all your mothers."
"Yeah…but…what if she stops taking her meds again and this happens again?" Stacy shrugs. "I mean is it that bad that once she stops taking them she turns into this fucked up being?"
"Look, like I said…it wasn't just the meds. It was everything." Stacy blushes a little. "I've read the letters, Sally. The hints are there…of the things that were already wrong. Especially in the last two. I think they explain it better. I can tell you that it was this, this, and this which made her do all of that but, really, it still won't justify it…that's why I want you to read the letters to know what both of them were feeling."
"Nothing justifies it."
"No, nothing," she mumbles. "Let's go eat. I'm starving."
How can I leave Stacy alone and just live in Edinburgh next to my mothers…or in Calgary with grandma? Or even somewhere else? She needs me. She's used to me being around. I can't just leave her here alone with nobody. We've gotten so close after mum and Tegan's fight. She was always there with us and with mum…She is my other mother and she's lonely and her life revolves around me.
And how can I leave her during Christmas and visit them?
But how can I not visit mum when she's ready to do anything to see me right now? I miss her so much. It's been so long since I've last seen her. God, I miss her.
"Honey, why are you crying?" Stacy wraps her arms around me quickly. "What's wrong?" I shake my head and burry my face in her neck to cry and feel good. She's so warm. She's so nice. "It's going to be alright." She kisses my head. "You don't have to read the letters today, you know. Take a break. You've read like six of them today. You need a break. Let's go to the movies after dinner, huh?" I nod, still hiding my face in her bosom. "And you can sleep next to me if you'd like." I laugh a little while sniffling. "Or are you a grownup now and you don't sleep next to your mothers anymore?" I shake my head, still laughing. "Thought so." She kisses my head again. She takes a look into my eyes after letting me go. "When my mum was very sick, I slept next to her every day. The night she died, I held her closely and let her die peacefully as I slept next to her, just enjoying her being there for the last time. I got so used to sleeping next to her that I needed awhile to recover."
"I'm sorry," I whisper.
"Don't." She smiles. "I like it when you sleep next to me. I know you will when I die. You'll hold me and make me feel better."
"Mama, don't say that," I say whiningly but also in a serious tone. She laughs, though. "Don't say that. I hate death…I hate talking about it." She nods, knowing that I am still dealing with the trauma of that day I almost lost my mother. "Let's go eat," I finally encourage, knowing it's time to change the subject and just forget about the letters for now. Maybe we can talk about something else. About her job or relationships or movies or whatever. I just don't want to talk about the letters or death or Tegan right now. I want to feel better.
…
Sara
When I picked Sally up from school, tears were glistening in her eyes. As soon as she got in the car, she started crying heavily. I tried to understand what was wrong but she didn't tell me. The whole ride home Sally cried and I tried to get her to talk to me but she didn't admit anything other than the fact she had fought with her friends.
Watching Sally grow up into this beautiful teenager makes me overwhelmed with sentiments I haven't thought I would ever feel. I haven't ever thought I would see her at this age, moving, laughing, crying, having issues with her friends, trying to look good to attract people's attention, struggling with her body image and looks. She has grown up so beautifully and in few more years she's going to college and I'll be left alone. I don't think I can deal with it.
Now that her head is on my lap with a red face and tears still in her eyes, I can only think of this moment forever. I am glad, though, that she still thinks I am the queen of the world and my lap is the warmest embrace and my bed is the best place she can travel to when she's sad or enraged. Tegan thinks it's unhealthy how attached she is, but Tegan needs to shut up because she's worse than Sally when it comes to attachment.
And Sally, too, has her friends and her life and personal time. She, at least, has stopped sleeping in my bed all the time. She does every once in awhile but it's not a habit anymore. It's just these intimate moments of mother and daughter that I appreciate the most and I know they won't last for a long time. She has already stopped telling me about her problems at school. She would cry on my lap and sleep in my bed but I wouldn't know what's going on with her. Stacy and I respect her privacy, but we're also very cautious because we know how teenagers can get these days.
She just turned fourteen two weeks ago. We threw her a big party at Tegan's place where her friends came. She had so much fun but for the past three days she's been isolating herself and now she's back home with tears in her eyes and I don't know what's wrong.
She's almost done with grade eight and next year she'll be with me and Stacy in the same school. She hates this idea and thinks we'll be up her ass all day long trying to find out everything about her life. We promised her we would not interfere and she wouldn't even notice her mothers are in the school with her, but we all know that's not going to happen. I will try my best to give her some space but I don't think Stacy can. She's already strict when it comes to the students at school so imagine if her kid is one of these students?
Tegan thinks Sally should be sent to a different school so she can have a normal experience as a teenager. Knowing whose daughter Sally is, I think it's better she's under our watch. A year ago we discovered she has bought many lacy thongs and g-strings. Stacy confronted her about it. Sally told her she wanted to feel sexy. When Stacy asked for whom, Sally said for herself. We didn't believe her so we had to watch her closely and stalk her social media accounts. She wasn't supposed to be having sex and she promised she was not even into any person at her school. Later it turned out that her friends got her those thongs as a joke because she has a "sexy bum" according to her friend Brianna.
I also talked to her about her sexuality, whether she's into Brianna or Brianna's into her or maybe something has been going on between them. She looked at me with bewildered disgust as if I had accused her of something. She told me she's not gay and Brianna had a boyfriend. I told her it's fine if she's gay only to get a chuckle as a response with a very sarcastic, "Really? Oh thank God, I was afraid you're a homophobe." I laughed but it did hurt me inside that she was using that tone with me and it irritated her when I talked about her sexuality.
She's never had a boyfriend but I know the boy she likes because I saw the way they looked at each other in her birthday party. His parents are good people so I don't mind if they dated. I just want her to be careful because her friends are already dating and god knows what's happening behind closed doors.
Maybe that's why she's crying. Maybe something happened. Maybe he said something that hurt her. Maybe he rejected her or something.
"Snowball?" I look down at her face but notice her eyes are closed and her breaths are calm and steady with lips partially open as she sleeps peacefully on my lap. "Are you asleep?" I still ask but then laugh a little bit. "Stupid question," I whisper. "I hope you feel better when you wake up."
I sit there on the mattress stroking her hair and texting my lover asking her to bring food for dinner since I haven't cooked and Sally's been resting on my lap since we arrived home.
…
"Hey, I brought tacos," Tegan announces loudly before entering my room.
"Shhhh," I say as soon as she's inside.
She raises her eyebrows and bites her lower lip. "Sorry," she whispers, walking up to the mattress. "Is she still asleep?" she asks with a low voice but Sally stirs when she puts her full weight on the bed and shifts closer to us.
"Tee," I whisper again, "Let her sleep." Tegan shakes her head with muted laughter. "Shh."
"Okay, okay." She tries her best to muffle her sound. "She's not a six month old baby," she says with a very soft voice I, only, can hear because her lips are in my ear. "Look at her, she's taller than us."
I take a look at her. Her lips are pouty and her eyes are closed. Her long eyelashes are still wet with tears and her cheeks are red because that's how her skin gets when she falls asleep. "She's still my baby," I whisper back but get distracted with Tegan's sunny eyes watching my lips. They are full of lust and devilish need. Her breaths are hitting my skin and our faces are getting closer. "No," I whisper. "Not now…" I try to stop her, but she steals a peck very quickly then rests back against the headboard muffling the laughing sounds. "Naughty." Sally is stirring and moving. "You're waking her up."
Tegan leans in again, but this time to put her head against my chest with a sigh so loud and carless. Now I have Tegan against my chest and Sally on my lap, both completely suffocating me. "I love this."
"My legs are already numb, Tee," I tell her. "I don't want my tits squashed right now." She giggles and her voice rings against my heart. How sweet is this sound!
"Your tits are my fav pillows."
"What the fuck?" Sally says immediately, raising her head up, bumping into Tegan's jaw. Tegan screams and raises her head up hitting my jaw, too.
"Fuck, Tegan…" I push them both, rubbing my jaw.
"My God, what is this? Is your head made of iron?" Tegan asks Sally with tears in her eyes. "I think I lost a tooth."
"You're so dramatic," Sally says. "I literally woke up hearing you talking about mum's tits…that was so weird to hear first thing you wake up." So she hasn't felt or heard the little kiss…thank God.
"Well, they are?" Tegan shrugs. "That's exactly why you always slept on them when you were a child." I sigh, putting my face in my hand. Can Tegan not be a perv in front of our kid right now?
"Tegan, get a girlfriend, seriously," Sally says. "I always say this but I think now you need it more than ever, okay?"
"Kid," I scold, watching Tegan's face become as red as a tomato. "That's no way to talk to your aunt." Sally rolls her eyes and gets her head back on my lap. "And since when do you call her Tegan like that? Wasn't she auntie Tee?"
"Yeah like two years ago?" Sally says, rolling her eyes at me. Tegan puts her head back on my chest. "Oh my God," Sally says frustratingly. "Leave my mum alone."
"She's okay with me cuddling with her," Tegan argues. "Right, Sara?" I just sigh. Tegan needs to understand that what she's doing just looks weird to Sally who doesn't know we've been fucking for like two decades. "You're just jealous."
"I am not," Sally says. "I just feel sorry for you. You need affection and you take it from my mum." I look down at Tegan who's now just silently looking down at Sally while nodding. "Shit...sorry, I didn't mean to be so rude." They're looking at one another now. Sally's head is on my lap as she looks up at us. "I just don't get why you're single when you're hot and young."
"You literally ask that every day, Sally," I says with a warning tone to stop her.
"I am single because I want to, Snowball." Tegan removes her head away and I take the opportunity to sit up and fix my wrinkled shirt hoping she won't suffocate me again. Hopefully Sally gets up, too. "It's my decision and it's a personal one…maybe one day you'll understand why." I glance at her very quickly but she averts her gaze so she wouldn't face me, knowing too well how sensitive this topic is for me.
"Okay, whatever." Sally sighs and closes her eyes. "I fought with Brianna today," she finally admits, sighing. "It was stupid."
"What happened?" I ask, taking her light brown locks off her face and brushing them slowly with my hands.
"I don't even know. I think I'm PMSing and I overreacted."
Tegan chuckles. "Just like you," she says to me.
"What happened, Sally?" I ask again, ignoring my sister.
"Like it was about me sleeping over at her house and then she said your mum's too strict and she probably won't let you sleep over."
"Well…" I begin to say. "Like…"
She sits up to face me. "She wanted me to sleep over and I said yes but I have to ask you then you have to ask mama and of course you have to consult Tegan because God knows the fuck why she's always butting in on our business…" She turns around to face Tegan after the gasp that my sister emits. "No offense, auntie, but sometimes I don't get why mum asks for your opinion regarding some of my shit." Ugh, I hate how much this kid curses. It's all because of Tegan.
"And what happened?"
"And she was like they'll probably say no because they're so strict and no fun and they're going to act like we have drugs like the way they acted about the underwear thingy and I was like that's different and she was like it is not because you're always so strict and you didn't even let me go to Miranda's party last month because you thought her parents wouldn't be home…"
"And they weren't," I say, interrupting her. "Stacy called and they weren't."
"Yeah, you're playing FBI and that's the point. I'm gonna lose my friends because of you guys."
"Because we want to protect you?" I look at Tegan, who's too quiet and too distant right now. I think Sally's words hurt her feelings and now I'll have to deal with her whining about Sally not accepting her in her life. I'm too tired to hear this. "Sally, a party with alcohol and no parents is really messed up. You've just turned fourteen and you're not even in high school. No sane parent would send their child to the party."
"Brianna's would, but you and mama had to snitch to her parents, so she didn't go and now she's pissed at me."
"No, they wouldn't. By the way, Brianna's parents told us about the no parents thing, not Stacy…"
"Huh?" I sigh, shaking my head. "But…"
"Stacy suspected it so she called her mum and her mum called Jason's mum and then Jason's mum called Tiffany's and Tiffany's works with Miranda's mum so…"
"So it's mama who ruined it." Sally rolls her eyes. "The point is," she says loudly, "I tried to defend you guys but…I just…I feel like I'm the most uncool person on earth.
"Is uncool even a word?" Tegan states.
"Whatever, Tegan, you know what I mean." Tegan nods.
"Look, a sleepover is fine by me and Stacy if her parents are there."
"They are," Sally says, looking at me with a glare as if I am her worst enemy even though she was sleeping on my lap minutes ago. "You can call and check."
"You know we trust you…we just don't trust some of your friends."
"I know." She sighs. "I love you, mummy; I just wish you'd let me breathe every once in awhile." I laugh a little.
"What is your example of that?" Tegan asks. Sally shrugs. "Like give me a situation because, like, I feel like you have so much freedom. My assistant tracks her children's phones and doesn't let them go out with their friends past eight and they're your age."
Sally's pissed off Tegan is talking since it's not her place to do so. I'm trying my best to let Sally realize she should respond politely. Sally's trying her best not to yell at Tegan. We have talked about this a couple of times and Sally promised she wouldn't be rude because Tegan loves her and wants the best for her. I can't count on Sally to understand all of this but I can count on her to at least try.
"I just want to go out without being called ten times by them asking if I changed the place or if I am safe or if something is wrong or if I need a ride or whatever. I want to ask mum to go out without her having to ask the whole world for permission…The other day she had to ask grandma Jess in Toronto…like…for real?"
"Well...you wanted to see an R rated movie, Sally. I didn't want you to watch nudity and I had to ask mum what she would think." Tegan sighs, shaking her head. To her, that's ridiculous because we all know Sally has seen porn for sure now that she has her own laptop and phone.
"It was just scary not even sexual." Sally shrugs. "Anyway…that's why I was upset. Like, I get it you're overprotective and you love me and want the best, but yeah…it hurts me that my friends think you're too strict and not fun."
"Sally, I think you're just PMSing," Tegan says. I glare at her. "There's no need to make a big deal out of this."
"Maybe I am," Sally whispers. I can clearly see she's bothered but is trying her best not to get me upset or angry at her.
"It's normal to feel this way," I eventually say. "That's how I felt when I was your age, too." She furrows her brows at me. "Jessica's strict. Very strict. I…I only had sex when I was…"
"Don't even say it, Sara." Tegan shakes her head. "It's embarrassing." I squint at her. "You were a bit…"
"How old were you?" Sally asks timidly. We have talked about this before, but she hasn't asked. I told her I was at college and it was with Emy but she knows I spent many years at college and now she wants to know the age.
"Twenty-two." Sally simply nods. "I was always watched and tracked and locked in Jessica's bubble so I get it."
"What about you?" she asks Tegan, making my stomach churn and Tegan's face lose its natural pinkish hue.
"Uh…" Please, Tegan, don't tell her.
"Eighteen," she lies, swallowing the lump in her throat. "Also at college." She smiles. "My mum wasn't so strict, but I wish I had one like Sara's." Tegan sighs. "I wish she took care of me like Jessica had done to Sara and like Sara and Stacy do to you."
"But why?" Sally says in bewilderment. "That's not fun."
"It's safer and you won't get it until you are older." Tegan finally gets up. "I'll use the bathroom. Can we eat when I get out?"
"Yeah, sure," I tell her softly.
"Is she okay?" Sally says, sensing Tegan's shifting mood.
"She is," I tell her. "I just please want you to stop talking about her getting a girlfriend because it upsets her."
"Why?" Why can't Sally be socially intelligent as much as she is academically intelligent? Sometimes there aren't any reasons one can give and she can't understand this. She has to find an answer for everything and everything has to make sense and fall into place. Her brain is complicated and it's annoying how much she watches and analyzes and focuses. Her curiosity is a curse to us. It's dangerous and it's a continuous threat.
"It's not something I can tell you," I finally answer when she raises her eyebrows at me. "It's something personal, Sally. Plus, why do you keep asking her when I've been single all this time? And Stacy, too?"
Sally shrugs, but it's obvious I have struck her with this question that she hasn't thought of.
"Exactly!"
"No," she says, not settling for this. "I've always thought…I don't know…you're my mum and, like, you're fulfilled…like you don't need anyone because you have me." I chuckle. "And as for mama…I know she…ugh…look, I know she's like sexually frozen or something so she doesn't need anyone." My eyes become wide open at this statement. "Look, I'm sorry. I've never thought of you…as…you know, a person who needs someone that way…it's gross to me…but I thought of Tegan like that because she's…always so touchy and sexual and weird…." Both of our faces are heated right now. I don't know what to say to her. My daughter is growing up and knows what sexual need is and now I truly think I don't have any control over her or her thoughts anymore.
"I don't think you should be thinking of us that way," I tell her, getting up. "But we're all human beings, Sally. All of us." She nods, understanding what I am getting at. "Just stop telling Tegan to get a girlfriend, please."
"Fine," Sally whispers. "I'll go change."
Over dinner, all of us three are awkwardly quiet. I guess Sally regrets her choice of words and now all I can think about is her own sexual need even though I shouldn't. If she knows about it, she feels it, and she probably relieves it. What if she lets her female friends help her and she them?
God, why am I thinking of this? She's my kid. I shouldn't think like this.
But, God, what if she's doing that?
But what if she's sleeping with boys? What if she's getting them off while they're getting her off? It could be with Brianna and it could be with a boy.
"Brianna's still with her boyfriend?" I ask all of a sudden, taking her and Tegan by surprise.
"Umm…yeah." Sally takes another bite of her taco.
"Hmm."
"He won't be in the sleepover, eww, don't worry." She rolls her eyes at me and Tegan shakes her head. "What now?"
"Nothing," Tegan whispers, finishing off her food in silence.
She shook her head at me, not at Sally.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" Sally leaves her half eaten taco and sighs loudly. "I'm just asking."
"I told you I don't," she says. "I truly don't." She chuckles. "I'm full." She gets up. "I'll take a nap," she mumbles, leaving me pissed off and disappointed.
"You need to chill," Tegan says. She gets up, too. "This is getting too much."
"It's not," I whisper. I get up to help Tegan clean the table. "She was talking about sexual desire and need in the room when you were in the bathroom…uh…God, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but, like, I told her to stop asking you to get a girlfriend and she was like but you're obviously horny."
"What?" Tegan screams with a little laughter.
"Well, she didn't say that, but she meant it."
"You love to exaggerate."
I take a deep breath and shake my head. "She meant it that way because she was like Stacy's sexually frozen and apparently I'm not supposed to have any sexual desire, too, because I am her mother." Tegan sits down on the chair again to laugh as loudly as she can. "Like she knows about this."
"She's a teenager with hormones, what do you expect?" I shrug. "You need to accept it." Why is it easier for Tegan to accept it than it is for me? She's supposed to be the mother and here I am making a big deal out of it and she's just okay with it. "And she's right; I am horny and I can't fucking wait till she's over at Stacy's so I can fuck you," Tegan says.
"Ugh, Tegan, there's food on the table."
"Ugh, prude, shut up," Tegan says mockingly, making me giggle. "God, Sare, when she asked me about when my first time was and I said 18, I almost said your mum was my first. It was really going to come out of my mouth and then I realized it before it was too late. I wanted to die from secondhand embarrassment at myself."
My eyes are wide as she laughs. And I thought she grew quiet because she was upset. "We need to be more careful."
"Till when?" Tegan asks, sighing.
"Till forever," I answer her sternly, making sure she doesn't go further with this pointless discussion that I hate. "Oh, and I'll send her to that stupid sleepover on Friday so we can just have fun together."
"Good." Tegan takes a deep breath. "I have a lot of fun planned."
"You literally say that every time and then end up falling asleep on top of me after you cum." Tegan blushes but doesn't say anything. "I'm cumming first this time…then you."
"Oh, I thought there's food." She winks, getting up again to help.
"Shut up." I laugh a little, trying not to look at her for too long so I wouldn't kiss her. We try to avoid being touchy if Sally's in the house as much as we can because we don't know whether she's eavesdropping or hiding behind the door or might walk in on us at any giving second. When we speak of such matters, we're always quiet and talk in whispers. We have been extra careful for the past two years because Sally isn't a child anymore and she can interpret certain actions easily and Tegan saying these words about my breasts today is an example.
I wash the dishes while she bakes chocolate chip cookies because she and Sally have been craving them for awhile. When I'm done, I help her a little until the cookies are in the oven and we're sipping some wine while chatting about her job in the living room.
"And what are you going to do about this company?" I ask and Tegan shrugs. "You're not gonna try again?"
"I have to try again to get them to work with us, Sare." She huffs. "First of all if we don't, dad is gonna be pissed and he's already pissed off I lost the last client because I was bitchy to the man." Tegan chuckles. "Second of all this is good money that I want for her college tuition." She gestures at the door as if Sally's standing there.
"Don't put too much pressure on yourself, Tegan," I say with a smile. "Sally's smart and she's probably gonna get a scholarship."
"You never know what might happen in high school," she answers with a chuckle. "I was this smart, too. Focusing on sex and drugs, though, fucked it up for me." I look down at my fidgeting fingers. This is what I fear. Sex, drugs, bad friends, losing Sally…my secret exposed. I fear these things. I just want her to get to college before any of that happens. "Hey," she whispers, lifting my face with her finger. "Don't worry. She has a good upbringing. She won't end up like me."
"I'll check up on her. She shouldn't nap this long, anyway."
Tegan sighs while nodding. "I'll get the cookies out of the oven."
I walk over to Sally's room, softly opening the door in order not to disturb her. "Sa…" She shifts under the covers immediately and locks her phone. I could see it was on because the light was shining from beneath the duvet in the dark room. "Are you awake?"
"Ummm…yeah," she says, clearing her throat. "Is everything okay?" She reveals a bit of her face, holding the duvet tightly under her neck.
"Yeah, I just wanted to wake you up. Tegan baked cookies."
"Okay, I'll come out in a minute." I walk up to her to see if something is wrong. Maybe I have hurt her with my words or something. "Mum, I said I'm coming, please give me a minute till I wake up and function."
"Oh…okay, I just…you're not upset, are you?" I look down at her body and then spot her underwear and pajama pants on the edge of the bed.
Fuck…fuck my life…fuck.
"I'm fine," she says quickly. "I'm really fine…"
"It's fine. It's fine. I just wanted to make sure you're okay." I walk backward, trying to avoid looking at her as much as she's trying to avoid looking at me. "Wash your face and join us. I'll make you some tea."
"Milk," she whispers.
"Milk it is," I say quickly closing the door behind me.
Fuck…fuck…fuck…
I walk over to Tegan in a daze. She squints at me for a second then asks what's wrong.
"I think I walked in on her masturbating…."
"NO WAY!" Tegan shouts with laughter.
"Shhhh." I cover her mouth with my palm. "God, like I didn't ever think she'd be doing that…Like it didn't cross my mind. I thought about her having sex with her friends but didn't think of that somehow…and, ugh, fuck, that was awkward. I should have knocked like I usually do, but I thought she's asleep…"
"Did you actually see it?" I shake my head. "Then how do you know?"
"It was so obvious. Her underwear and pajama pants were on the floor and she got so scared and embarrassed when I walked in and told me to leave her till she fully wakes up so she can…"
"Yeah, she def was." Tegan chuckles. "That's what I used to say to mum until she actually caught me with my fingers inside my cunt." I wrinkle my face at her. "Did she figure out you figured it out?"
"Nope."
"Okay, good. Don't make her feel like you know…it's normal. It's much better than having sex with others, Sara."
"I know." I nod. God, I should not be thinking about her doing this. It's normal, Sara. It's normal. Don't be weird about it. She's a teenager. She's a human being. It's bound to happen. She's discovering her body…it's fine.
"Just ignore it and act like you haven't seen anything, please." I nod. "Sit down."
"I'll make her some milk. She wanted some."
It's fine, Sara. It's fine. Everyone does this. You did this, too. Well, you were sixteen when you figured it out but you were always a little bit late to the party. Sally's just normal and what she's doing is ordinary. Don't act embarrassed or awkward. You don't want to traumatize her.
Fuck my life, why can't I just let it go?
Why am I embarrassed?
Why did I have to just walk in on her doing that?
Have I done it before without noticing? I don't even know.
I do remember a couple of times I walked in on her and she shifted that way, but she was watching movies and shows back then. She told me. What if she was watching porn and tried to hide it? I asked her which movie she was watching once and she said Clueless and lifted the phone to show me. Maybe she changed the app quickly or something. I don't know.
Eventually she's going to have sex with someone and she's going to have her own first time and first heartbreak and first everything and I should just accept it because she's not the same child I have raised and taken care of.
I walk back to the living room and put her glass of milk down on the table. Tegan smiles at me and I smile back awkwardly. She's thinking about it, too. Of course she would be. That's her kid. We hear Sally's door open and Tegan glares at me, pulling me down.
Sally walks in and we pretend that we're distracted with our phones. She extends her arm to get a cookie. I take a look at her hand and then remember she hasn't even washed them. I push her arm away very quickly that she stumbles a little bit.
"Wash your hands," I say and Tegan's eyes widen.
"Mum, what the hell? My hands are clean."
"No, wash them." I say again and Tegan shakes her head at me. "You didn't go to the bathroom afte…" I interrupt myself watching Sally's face turn as red as ever.
"Sara, why?" Tegan whispers, covering her face with her palm.
Sally sits down on the couch and nods. "My hands are clean…I went to the bathroom and then went back to my room," she says, taking a deep breath. I nod at her, handing her a cookie. "Thank you," she mumbles, not even looking at me.
Tegan's too awkward to look at any of us. We just eat the cookies in silence until I master the courage to speak. "Sally, I'm sorry," I say.
"Sara," Tegan scolds.
"No…we need to talk about it." Sally's too embarrassed, but Tegan is even more bashful than her. It's like she's the one who has been caught. "It's…"
"Please just let it go," Tegan begs. Sally pleads with her eyes.
"No," I shout. "You said it yourself…it's normal…I just…God, Sally, we all do it, it's fine."
"Then stop talking about it, please," Sally shouts, tears beginning to stream down her face. "Can you not give me this image?" She puts her glass down and wipes her tears. "Like why can't you just ignore it and make me believe like you don't know about it? Why do you have to tell her about me doing that?" Tegan sighs. "Like she doesn't have to know. I don't know if she touches herself, why does she have to know if I do?"
"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I was…shocked." Sally rolls her eyes. "I didn't know you knew that…I figured it out when I turned sixteen." She nods.
"Well, in case you're wondering, I actually do it," Tegan says casually, making me almost choke on a bite. "I was doing it like twenty-four seven when I turned twelve."
"Eww," both Sally and I say, making Tegan laugh a bit and Sally smiles sheepishly as a result.
"What? She wanted to know about me…she has to know." Tegan shrugs. "I also still do it in case you're wondering."
"Can you not?" I shout at Tegan. "Don't."
"It's not like you don't do it." I am glaring at her, but she doesn't care at this point. "Sara, I literally caught you doing it in your dorm room, so shut up."
"Oh my god," Sally shouts. "You did?"
Tegan nods, laughing. "It was epic."
"Please stop," I say, a little bit more serious and more frustrated now so Tegan just stops. I know she's trying to make it less awkward but she just made it worse because Sally's not supposed to know this about us. We are her mothers and she shouldn't know we do this, anyway.
"You're the one who started," Sally says.
"And now I regret it."
"So can we please pretend it didn't happen?" she asks again. "Like…just…treat me normally, please, because I promise you I'm not sleeping with anyone. I'm not doing this with anyone. I've figured it out pretty recently and I am still your normal daughter." I laugh a little, nodding. "Thank you." She gets up, leaving me with smirking Tegan.
"What's wrong with you?" Tegan whispers, slapping my arm gently. "You're such a cringe, Sara. Why couldn't you just pretend it didn't happen? Now you made it awkward for all of us."
"You're the one who started talking about me…"
"I was trying to normalize it for her because her face was going to explode. Don't be like Sonia, please." She gets up, too. "I'm going home. I have a lot of work to do."
"Fine." I roll my eyes at her. I thought she would stay the night but she barely does that anymore and I miss her during the nights. I can't force her to stay because of her work and I don't want Sally to suspect, anyway, so I just let her go and see her the following day until it's the weekend and Sally's at Stacy's while she's at my place or I am at hers.
I, too, take the opportunity to get some job done with the research I've been working on. Since ever I went back to grad school for my Ph.D., I've been working nonstop which is a very healthy distraction for me. I have Sally to take care of, a job to go to, studying to do, and Tegan to make happy, too. My life is fulfilled and I've never thought I would ever reach such a state of satisfaction. I have a good amount of money in the bank right now that in two more years once I become an actual doctor, I can open up my own clinic and fulfill my dream. It seems so close yet so far away. Stacy has raised my salary to show her support and encouragement and now it's almost as high as hers, and she's constantly helping me with research ideas and taking Sally away from me when I have an exam. Sally's proud of me, too. She helps me study and does not bother me when I have a serious test or I am tensed up and nervous. Sometimes she'd prepare the dinner for us if we're alone and Tegan isn't joining. Sometimes she'd give me a shoulder massage and draws a bath for me to relax. Other times she makes me a cup of coffee and gets it to my room while I'm seated at the small desk I have purchased to put my laptop on and do the work since my back cannot handle long hours of sitting at the dining table or in bed.
And this is the state I find Sally in right now; my black mug in her hand, a lopsided smile on her face, her long hair is braided to the side and her body clad in her yellow pajamas as she stands by the door, asking me to come in without voicing it.
"Hey, Snowball, come in, honey." I smile at her, lowering my glasses to rub my eyes a little bit. She walks up to me to hand me the mug. "Thank you," I mumble, taking it from her.
"Can I talk to you?" She walks up to my bed to sit there. "Or is this a bad time? I don't want any idea to…like, fly away or something."
"No, hun, I'm just doing some citation. What is it?" I turn around to face her, sipping my coffee carefully so I wouldn't burn my tongue.
"Can you not…" She looks down at her socked feet. I can see that her face is getting red. It's so easy for her to blush. She looks just like Tegan but with blue eyes and a lighter hair color. "Like…umm…not tell mama about this thing you found out about me today?"
I chuckle a little bit, nodding. "Don't worry, I will not." This time I really won't tell Stacy. We have discussed masturbation before and I know she doesn't like it much for herself and doesn't think it's healthy to do it a lot because a person needs a partner and intimacy. I don't know if she has done it when she was a young teenager or not. She probably has if she does it now, but I'm not sure what her reaction might be about catching Sally doing it. She might make it so awkward for her and might, herself, act awkwardly around Sally.
"I feel so embarrassed," she whispers, but she's about to cry. I can hear her voice breaking. "I feel like…"
"Sally, don't." I sigh, taking off my glasses and putting my mug next to the laptop. "Look at me, baby." She shrugs her shoulder twice. "Sally, just look at me so I can talk to you."
I decide to get up and sit next to her to make her feel better. I leave a little bit of space not to overwhelm her and she eventually looks up at me with her big blue eyes which are nothing like mine or Tegan's. "I thought we are good friends not just mum and daughter," I say. She nods. "So why are you embarrassed? I mean even after what Tegan said?"
"Because it's just so personal and, like, it's…" I nod. She's right. It is personal. "Like now every time you're gonna look at me, you're gonna think of that…"
"No, no, no." I laugh a little. "I will not because every time I look at you I truly just think of that time Stacy and I were asleep and you woke up in the middle of the night, climbed up our bed and then pooped, took off your diaper on your own and just chilled there until we felt it and woke up with shit all over the place."
"Mum," Sally screams. "I did not do such thing."
"You really did." Her nose is wrinkled and her jaw is wide open with utter shock. "You were almost two years old…we knew then we had to potty train you."
"Eww."
"Yup." I nod, wrapping my arm around her. "And there are more embarrassing stories if you really want to find them out, I have all night to narrate but I'm saving them for your wedding's speech."
"No, mummy." She shrugs her shoulder, thinking I will actually say these stories.
"Life is full of embarrassments, Sally. We just gotta laugh them off. I am your mother, anyway. I changed your diapers, you puked on me, I bathed you till…? Till…"
"Till two years ago." Sally sighs.
I laugh. "Exactly, kid. I've helped you shave, I've cleaned the sheets you leaked on during your period, I do everything and you never get embarrassed so why now?"
"Because it's…" She sighs. "Mum, it's sexual…it has to do with that thing…like now you know I get turned on and like…I do this thing to feel better." She hides her face in her hand. Honestly, I could have lived not hearing that, but I'll just act like I haven't heard it.
"It's…a normal thing…I just have an advice." She hums with her face still covered. "I don't want you to do it too much…like all the time because it's just not healthy to do it more than twice daily…Like, your focus shouldn't be on sex that much right now."
"I don't," she whispers. "I do it when I'm just…frustrated and can't sleep…or when I just…ugh…mum…"
"Fine, fine." I nod, waiting for her to say something.
She doesn't for a long time, though, so I just ask what's on my mind. "When did you…umm…start?"
"Like three months ago." I nod, processing the words. That's not so bad. She removes her hand from her face and looks at me. "My friends were talking about it…like the girls…they talked about using the shower head and…" Of course, the classic. I laugh, nodding. "I had to try it...It didn't really work so I just, like, googled it and started to understand things…like…about myself." I nod again. "I don't watch porn, by the way. I'm disgusted by it. If this is what you want to know."
"You read it," I suggest. She nods. "Cool…just don't get addicted." She nods, standing up. "And, Sally, if something ever happens with a boy or a girl please tell me because now I will just be worried."
"I'm not ready for that, mum…at all." She smiles. "I know about protection. I know about teenage sex and pregnancy and I'm aware of all the shit that might happen so please don't worry. I haven't even had a proper first kiss other than the one in grade three and you know about it." I laugh.
"Okay…that's good." Now I'm happy not to talk about this for the rest of my life and I hope she doesn't too because I guess I'm as embarrassed as she is.
"Goodnight, mummy."
"Goodnight, Sally."
Gladly, we don't discuss this topic anymore for the rest of the week. Sally doesn't lock herself in her room for the rest of the week as well. She also keeps her door opened the entire time we're both in the house, even when she's changing. I don't talk to her about it because I know she's still embarrassed and is trying to get me to remove that picture out of my head.
…
"Have a great time," I tell her before she gets out of the car to greet Brianna so she can spend the night at her place. "There's extra underwear and pajamas, okay?" I hand her the backpack I have prepared for her.
She furrows her brows at me. "I'm not gonna pee myself at night but okay."
"Don't you change your underwear every day? Aren't you gonna shower?"
"Umm…when I got to mama's? Like it's just a sleepover and mama's gonna pick me up in the morning."
"Oh, yeah…true." I chuckle. "Okay, then, no funny business, eat well, and call me if you need anything."
"Okay, bye." She rolls her eyes. "Just chill and try to have fun, please."
"Yeah, I'll visit Tegan, maybe, and like order Chinese or something."
"Tegan is you idea of fun?" She wrinkles her nose at me. "Mum, you need friends other than her." Before I open my mouth she continues, "I gotta go. Brianna's glaring at me for taking so long." I take a look at the opened door with the teenager standing there like it's the end of the world. Sometimes I feel like she's controlling my daughter. She doesn't even look like a grade eight kid. She's tall, curvy, and has a very raspy voice. She looks at least sixteen. I remember how she looked three years ago. She was so tiny and bony and suddenly puberty hit and now Sally looks like a midget next to her.
Sally has lost so much of that baby fat and weight that she's barely recognizable for someone who hasn't seen her since she was ten. Jeremy gasped when he visited last summer. He thought we had her go on a diet, but it was just her exercising and eating healthier all of a sudden. She's not so thin, but she's just perfectly healthy now that I don't have to worry about her getting bullied.
I buy food and head to Tegan's. I prepare the toys we're going to use and wash them well. I make sure she has lube since we haven't had sex in three weeks due to our unsynchronized periods and Tegan's sudden mood swings. She isn't as sex crazed as before…not as she seems to be anyway. She's often tired and too moody to sleep with and after one orgasm she passes out.
I make sure I'm the one who gets to cum first tonight, however. When we're done with our food and have chatted and made out a bit after a few drinks, we head to the bedroom where I lie on the mattress and let her suck my clit till I reach the orgasm I want to. She spends a good portion of time playing with my nipples and sucking them until I am wet again and begging for her fingers to go inside me.
"No," she says, laughing. "Nope. I'm first."
"Tegan, don't." I sit up a little, pushing her face away. "Please." She shrugs, pecking my left nipple. "Tegan," I whine again, reaching for her own nipple to pinch it. She shrieks a little. "Please."
"No," she screams when I'm about to pinch, pushing my hand off. "Fuck me and I'll fuck you."
"You'll sleep," I tell her.
"No, I promise." She grabs both my hands to make them cup her breasts. I take the opportunity to knead the soft flesh, getting my face closer to her to kiss her cherry lips. "Please," she whispers sensually as I kiss her.
"What do you want?" I ask, knowing exactly what she wants because she has already prepared it.
"You know it," she whispers again, pushing her head back with a moan when I begin sucking her supple neck, making sure to kiss the visible veins. "Oh, yes, right here." I kiss her tender spot right below her ear and she falls down on the mattress letting me top her. "The vibrating dildo would be nice right now."
"Do you miss me topping you?" I whisper in her ear, knowing I haven't done that in ages and the only way I can dildo fuck her is if she's riding the dick since my back is screwed. "Don't you just miss me being on top? Huh?" I make her moan as I suck her earlobe. "My nipples touching yours, my eyes staring into you, my legs tangled up with yours and my dick deep inside your tight pussy till you scream for me to stop?" She puts a hand behind my neck and closes the distance between us as she kisses me with passion and need. She's not so used to me dirty talking since, according to her, I am such a bottom.
"If you're not gonna do it why do you have to make my pussy cry for it?" Roughly, she takes my left hand and guides it between her moist lips, making me gasp at the amount of wetness I find in there. "You have to do something about this and I'm not riding you today."
"No, you're not." I smirk while getting up. Her eyes open up with lust as she takes a look at my full nudity standing above her. The gaze slowly descends down my face, to my neck, my upper chest, my breasts, my stomach, and down till they are focused on that one spot she can't get her eyes off. We haven't had sex while fully shaved in a very long time.
"You like this view?" I ask as I walk closer to her torso. Her eyes are moving with me. My clit is throbbing with every lick she gives to her lips.
"Sar…" She starts to understand what I am doing. "It's my turn, please."
"Just make me cum, babe." I straddle her face, taking a hold of the headboard. "Make me cum and I'll fuck you doggy style." I lick my lower lip purposefully in order to tease her.
"Really?" she says with a little bit of laughter. "You're gonna do that?" I nod. "And will you let me pinch your nipples with the clamps?" I hesitate but then nod again. "Deal," she says with utter rasp and desire before she pulls me down on her face and gives me my second orgasm with her tongue and fingers.
"Now it's my turn," she says, getting up very quickly to prepare the harness.
"Oh, look who has this energy. If you had come before, you'd be snoring in my ears right now." I yawn as I mention the idea of sleep. "Maybe we should keep it for tomo…"
"Sara," she screams, almost angrily. I laugh so loudly at her scowl and her reaction. "Seriously?"
"You're so easy to tease." I take the harness from her and strap myself. I watch her rummage through the closet and I know she's going to torture me with the clamps now. I don't get why she wants me to put them when she can't even see me while I fuck her, but I've promised so I let her do what she wants.
Before I can do anything, she plays with my breasts for a few minutes, this way she's getting herself turned on. Once my nipples are hard and wet with her spit, she cages them, hearing me wince and moan in pain I am used to experience every once in awhile. At least the harness is pressed around my clit giving me some playful and sensual friction that I need for this.
"I miss filming us," she says after kissing me. "Our little pornos." She turns around on the mattress, facing the headboard while I'm facing her back.
I caress her soft skin as I wait for her to get into position. She winces a little bit and stops moving. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah." She takes a deep breath. "If you notice…" She looks back at me with a sigh. "If you notice any abnormality when pushing, it's fine…I…I think my uterus has prolapsed again…I'm not sure…it just feels a bit…"
"Tegan," I exclaim, "are you serious?"
"It's fine, Sara, I'm checking it on Monday. It doesn't really hurt during sex unless it's so bad."
"But, Tee…"
"Sara, come on, babe, start." She turns around so she wouldn't face me anymore. This is not new. It's been happening for the past few years and she's trying her best to stop it for good but the older she gets the worse it gets for her because it worsens with age, apparently.
I try to turn her on as much as I can. I rub her body all over, kiss all the exposed skin, slap her ass, and play with her piercing until she becomes extremely wet with need. I push a finger to inspect. Wetness is perfect, but yes…she has definitely prolapsed. She's looser than usual and I'm a bit afraid.
"Why don't I just finger you, Tee?"
"Sara," she moans. "Are you kidding me…I need it badly right now, do it already."
I peck her right ass cheek and position myself well against her opening, turning the vibrations on.
"Perfect," she says with an inhale. "Push."
"I do it carefully and slowly, watching her taking a hold of her breasts and arching her back.
"Yes, babe." She exhales. "Come on, thrust." I push all the way in, noticing a slight difference but overall it's not that bad. I hope she doesn't feel any pain. I hope she's alright.
I begin to thrust, feeling the pressure on my clit as well and on my nipples. I take a hold of her hips and lean against her back, reaching one hand for her clit so she can cum quickly because I don't think I can stay like this for so long.
"Is this good?" I ask.
"It's amazing," she whispers, pushing her head back and I catch the opportunity to kiss her neck. "Tell me if your back starts to hurt, please."
I don't have to tell her, though. Her orgasm is met after a few minutes and we both collapse in each other's arms, sighing and breathing heavily.
"I'm proud of us," she whispers while stroking my greasy hair. I need a shower badly. I'm full of sweat and fluids but I guess I'll have to wait till tomorrow. I'm not used to sleeping like this anymore. I am old and I have a night routine. After sex, there's shower and the sheets should be changed. It's how we do it now even though Tegan hates it and thinks the whole purpose of sex vanishes like this because it's supposed to relax you and make you sleep feeling good but when you get up and do many other chores, it just removes that inner peace even though showering isn't a chore; it's cleanliness and relaxation.
"Why are you proud?" I whisper back, getting swayed underneath her touch. I might just close my eyes right now and fall asleep.
"Look how far we've come." I chuckle. "Really…look, we have the family we wanted and the sex life and we're both successful women with independent careers and our daughter is healthy and fine and smart and beautiful."
"I'm proud of you for thinking so positively." I peck her arm because it's the closest thing to me. "You have changed."
"You, too." She pecks my forehead. I close an eye humming. "You're almost a doctor and you have a jo…" Her blabber is interrupted by my phone ringing. I sigh, shifting my body to the side to reach for it on the night stand next to me. "Who is it?" she asks once she sees the surprised expression upon my face.
"It's Sally," I say with furrowed brows.
"It's almost midnight?" I shrug, picking it up immediately, hoping nothing is wrong.
"Sally?"
"Mum," she says with a lowered voice.
"Is everything okay?" I sit up a little bit. My heart is drumming. Tegan sits up, too, pulling the duvet to cover our exposed bodies.
"I got my period," she whispers again.
"Okay?" I shrug to Tegan who's asking me what's wrong with her eyes. "Why are you whispering?"
"I don't have pads," she says.
"Shit, Sally, you knew you were starting soon."
"You packed my backpack," she says with an almost breaking voice. God, when is this kid going to depend on herself?
"I forgot to pack them." I sigh.
"What's wrong?" Tegan mouths.
"Period. No pads," I whisper.
"Who's this? Who's next to you?"
"Tegan," I answer immediately.
"She's sleeping over?"
"Yeah." I sigh. "What are you gonna do? Doesn't Brianna have pads?"
"She uses tampons. She told me they're in the bathroom and now I'm stuck in there talking to you."
"Okay…umm…use them?" I don't prefer tampons but now she can't do anything about it. "Just use them even though I really don't recommend sleeping in them but what are you gonna do?"
"I don't know how to," she whispers again.
"You don't know how to use them?" She hums. "You just insert them in…inside your vagina." Tegan's face is red. Her smile is big on her face. I slap her arm playfully, trying to suppress my own laughter.
"Yeah…I don't know where the hole is and like…I'm looking at it and there is this string and this other applicator thing."
"You don't know where your hole is?" Tegan bursts in laughter but I glare at her.
"No," she says, obviously crying. "Tell Tegan not to laugh."
"I'm sorry, Snowball…It's just…weren't you masturba…"
"Mum," she scolds. "I wasn't doing it that way…it was…from the outside."
"Oh." Tegan cups her lips to restrict her laughter. God, she's so immature. "Okay, I'll teach you. Just follow my lead and ignore Tegan in the back."
"Why can't she just google it?" Tegan says. I glare at her again.
"Umm…maybe I should just google it," Sally says hesitantly, still sniffling.
"No. I'll help you quickly. Ignore Tegan. You don't want your friend to wonder what's taking your so long."
"Yeah."
"I want you sit on the toilet and kinda spread your legs."
"Okay." I wait for her, still glaring at Tegan whose laughter has died down and now she's just listening intently. "Yes?"
"Spread your…" Tegan pushes her face in the pillow to laugh again. "Your labia," I say with a sigh.
"Okay."
"So you have a tampon in your hand, right?" She hums. "So you see the thin part?"
"Yes…I know it's the applicator. I just don't know how to push it in."
"It's fine." I take a deep breath. "Hold it close to your opening. I'm sure you know where that is, Sally."
"I'm not sure but…Yeah, maybe I do." I shake my head a little bit. Tegan is still muffling her laugh the best she can. "Okay, I got it. Do I just push it in?"
"Umm…yeah, you insert the thick part, not the slim one…until like the end of it and then press on the slim one till the tampon is all the way inside. Just be careful when you push it. Take a deep breath and do it slowly because it might be uncomfortable."
"Okay…can you stay with me on the line?"
"Yes, baby, I am here."
I yawn, waiting for her while staring at Tegan whose eyes are full of love and wonder and happiness. I give her a little smile. She takes my free hand to kiss it then clasps it in hers.
"Is it going well?"
"Umm…what about this string?"
"Yeah, so this just hangs there so you can pull it out when it's soaked."
"Oh." She takes a deep breath. "Okay. I think I got it."
"Sure?"
"Yeah." I hear the water running. "I'm washing my hand."
"Okay, does it feel okay?"
"Yeah," she says again. "When do I change it? I don't wanna leak on Brianna's bed."
"I want you to ask her if she has pads when you leave because you never know…maybe her mum does. I don't recommend sleeping in it. You really have to change it every four hours."
"Yeah, I'll do." She sighs. "Thank you, mummy." She's still sniffling.
"Honey, no need." I chuckle. "I should have taught you that just in case. God, I don't know how I didn't do it."
"It's fine. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Snowball. If you need anything call me."
"Okay. Love you. Bye."
When she hangs up, I stare at Tegan for so long. I just stare at her while she stares at me, part of me rebuking her for laughing, part of me understanding why I am the one raising Sally and why she is the aunt, and part of me just feels at ease and comfort that Sally is mine and has called me in such a moment of need. She hasn't called Stacy nor googled it nor asked anyone else. She has chosen me because I have chosen to keep her, love her, and be her mother.
"When I got my period, my mum threw the tampon box at me and told me to read the instructions," Tegan finally says. A tear rolls down her eyes. "I put it wrong like ten times until I figured it out after asking my friend. I taught myself everything because my mum was just not…like that…our mum is just…not like you."
I wipe her tear with my thumb and pull her body upward to give her a hug. Now that we're fully awake again, we should just shower and then fall asleep. "She was young and didn't know better. My mum didn't even talk to me about periods. I learned everything from Jane."
"You are amazing, Sara. You are a perfect mother and Sally is the luckiest child that she has run free from me and she's in your arms."
"You're a perfect aunt so don't say that. She loves you so much." Lately, Sally has been feeling annoyed with Tegan and she knows it but I still don't tell her that. Sally's just a teenager anyway. She loves her aunt one day and is annoyed by her the next the way she loves her mum one day and fights with her the next.
Tegan throws her entire body at me the way Sally does. I take her in an embrace and rub her back for awhile until I force her out of bed so we can shower and finally sleep.