Wrote this awhile ago. I honestly forgot what's written there but all the warnings I usually mention applies since these are the last few chapters. Also, wanted to post it today to make a special friend feel better cause she's been feeling down lately. 3
Dear Sally,
You're almost done with the letters. Two are left I suppose? I am not sure. Maybe Sara will add something. Reading all these letters has been a journey, right? I am sorry you had to go through them and through such a toxic and abusive relationship. I have said it before and I will say it again: it was a toxic relationship. The only time it didn't feel toxic is in the past few years before my mental health started to deteriorate again. Is it toxic now? Is it terrible?
No, it isn't. I am really trying my best. I know I say this a lot and have said it all these years, but I truly am trying to be the best I can be. It didn't just happen overnight. I have been trying to be better for the past three years and Sara had rejected every attempt till I proved it. You know exactly how I proved it, Sally. You know the amount of therapy I have gotten. You know every step I have taken because you watched it and monitored it with spite that I cannot blame you for having. She is your mother and you just wanted to protect her. But each time I tried to get close and you pushed me away felt like a bullet. You hated the fact I was your mother. You hated the fact I existed in your and Sara's life. I still don't blame you, but the way you are acting knowing we are sisters is truly not different than the way I have acted. I was disgusted and you still are. You stopped talking to Sara once you realized we're talking again. When you discovered we were getting back together, you stopped talking to anyone. You stopped picking up the phone and made her cry every day. You hurt her, too, you know. It's not something we can control. It's not something we could control. We tried to explain and you didn't listen. My mother tried to explain and you didn't listen. Stacy and Emy tried and you just did not listen. And so we had to send these letters. We had to do something. We have to change and start over in a better place. We waited till your graduation. We made phone calls and I looked for a job. And now we're here in Scotland where no one can judge us because no one knows us or our story. And here we are now, trying…just trying to live knowing our daughter despises us and hates the fact she's the product of our never-ending love. And I don't mind that you hate me because I deserve it, but please reconsider the way you feel about your mother, about Sara, the woman you couldn't leave alone for an entire hour and always accompanied her everywhere…and suddenly you were just not there and you condemned her for everything she has done.
I know your heart is broken, but so is hers. I know you hate me, but you love her and she's your mother. Please forgive her and visit during Christmas. I'll repeat this in every letter. I can leave the house if you want. I can stay at a hotel, but don't just desert her. You don't have to look at me, just forgive the fact she's with me and I'm with her and that we are your mothers even though I have proved to be the worst mother humanity has seen. I just don't want you to take your anger at me out on her. She doesn't deserve it. The letters are the last option we have, so please do come back.
…
I put the letter down when my mother enters the room. She's staring at her phone with fresh pajamas and hair tied up in a bun. She yawns and smiles lazily at me.
"You had fun?" I nod with a smile, waiting for her to sit down. "Reading them again?"
"Yeah." I take a look at the remaining letters.
"But I thought you'd take a break."
"You were okay reading that I have called you sexually frigid when I was thirteen?" She squints in astonishment. Her lips curl up and then she starts laughing. "Mama…"
"You were thirteen," she says. "And I am sexually frigid and you know exactly why." Subconsciously, my eyes go down to her chest and hers go down, too. She wraps her arms around it immediately.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to stare." I look down at my own breasts; big, normal, healthy, beautiful.
"It's really fine." She laughs while pulling the covers over her body.
"But you still had sex with mum…like…that's the reason Tegan…"
"You reached that letter?" I shake my head. "You know?" I nod.
"You know too well that I heard it all." She nods. How sad she must be. God. She was not supposed to get into this mess. She was not supposed to be part of this fuckery. Emy was able to escape it and have her own family but she just stayed in the middle and Tegan just hated her so much. Tegan never hated Emy but she couldn't stand the ground Stacy walked on because she knew mum loved her. Why couldn't mum just love her and not love three people at the same time? Why couldn't she pick her instead of Tegan?
"I wasn't the one who initiated it and you're going to read this in the letters."
"I think it's like the next one or the one after. I'm not sure. I just finished the one in which I was caught with Justin." I look down embarrassingly. I have begged mum not to tell her about it but of course mum has done that because I guess she didn't hide anything from her other than the fact I started masturbating at thirteen and now she knows it.
"It's the same one with the, umm…the hitting…when Tegan…" I nod. Of course it would be. "Anyway, Sara didn't really care I didn't have breasts. She even joked that I was flat anyway so it was the same thing." I laugh…I can't help it but laugh. She laughs too. "She's such a nice person."
"And you love her so much even though you're still hurting because of her."
"I'm not hurting?" Stacy raises an eyebrow. "She gave me you…I am thankful for her. Even for Tegan…the fact that…she was okay with me being in your life is just a blessing."
"But Tegan doesn't like you." Stacy shrugs. "Because she was jealous of you." She nods. "I wish mum has chosen you."
"Tegan's her soulmate," she says. "Sara and I are not soulmates."
"Who's yours?" She shrugs, not giving me an answer. "You do have one, right?"
"Maybe I haven't met them yet." When do people usually meet their soulmates? Are soulmates supposed to be lovers? God, this is such a terrible thing to think about right now. I have a headache. "Are you going to continue reading or sleep?"
"I'll sleep. I have a headache. I'll continue reading in the morning."
…
Tegan
At ten in the evening, when I'm called by a hysterical Sara, I go over immediately to break the huge fight between her and Sally. They have been arguing so much lately, but Sara never called crying like a little child asking me for help with Sally except that time she's hit a guy when she was eleven.
I told Sara to put Sally in a different school but she didn't listen. Sally's trying to be a normal teenager and live a happy and fun life. She knows what's right and what's wrong yet Sara has been acting like a police officer. Sara has promised she would not monitor and watch and control but throughout Sally's freshman year, she was the most annoying parent a teenager would ask for.
Often times Sally came back home crying because Sara embarrassed her in front of her friends. Then there was Stacy whose obsession with druggie kids isn't even normal. She has basically searched Sally's class twice a day for a month for any substance making sure Sally wasn't around any of that.
Sally, of course, couldn't take Stacy from one side moaning about drugs and being safe and Sara moaning about homework, grades, and relationships. Sally hasn't dated but has been caught kissing her friend Brianna during truth or dare in a party. The video was sent to Sara and it was shot by a student. Sally and Sara fought for days because Sara thought Sally was dating Brianna and she hadn't been informed when Sally swore she was not dating anyone and it was just a dare.
But things still calmed down and they had their happy and quiet nights. I know Sara's stress has reached its peak now that she's working on her dissertation, but taking it out on Sally isn't the answer. I was able to provide some relaxing nights for Sara, too. The sex hasn't been so good lately because I've been having continuous uterine issues and increasing pain sometimes. She's aware of that and has been supportive.
Sometimes she tutors Sally English and history and I tutor her algebra and physics. Sally likes biology and is good at chemistry so she doesn't need help with those from us. Emy, sometimes, helps her with French because both Sara and I suck and her school has mandatory second language option and she chose French. She managed to get straight As in grade nine.
During the summer, she spent two weeks with Stacy in Florida, two weeks with Sara in Toronto and a month here where we barely saw her because she was always with her friends.
The beginning of grade ten was good until a few weeks ago. Sara has been suspicious of Sally dating her friend Justin because they have been close lately and she has seen them sitting together and flirting a few times. Sara hates Justin so much because he's apparently a fuckboy. No proof…just vibes. Sara runs on vibes.
And now here I am at her place trying to hear two crying and screaming girls without having the slightest clue what has happened except for the fact I know it's Justin related since the name is all I can understand.
"I don't wanna live with you," Sally screams. "I don't wanna live with her," she screams at me. "I'm not sleeping here tonight." She sniffles and wipes her nose with the back of her hands.
"You don't get to fucking decide," Sara shouts back. "You are my kid and you are a fucking minor and you're following my rules in this house."
"I'm sick and tired of your rules."
"Can you please just calm do…"
"My rules will get you fucking somewhere in life. If you wanna follow yours you're gonna get pregnant." Sara wipes her tears. "And fuck up your whole fucking life and career."
"Whoa, whoa." I get up from the couch in order to walk to Sara's shaking body to calm her down. "What happened? Just tell me."
"Fucking Justin," Sara screams in my face.
"She was fucking Justin?"
"No," Sally searches with a high pitched sound. "I was not. Fuck you."
"You don't tell me that," Sara screeches using the loudest octave I have heard of her. "You don't fucking talk to me like that." She chases Sally to her bedroom as Sally walks away. "Fucking stop right here. I'm getting you on the pill tomorrow."
Shit…shit. Sara has lost it.
"Go away," Sally says, pushing the door against Sara who's trying to get inside. "Go the fuck away."
"Sara, please…just…" Sara sits down on the floor by the door and breaks down in heavy tears. "She's having sex?"
"I don't know," Sara cries.
"You're doing all of this and you don't know?" I sit next to her on the floor. I know Sally's listening but it really doesn't matter.
"No." Sara shakes her head. "I was at Emy's and I just came back and…" Sara sniffles again, gulping and hiccupping. "Sally said she was home alone when I texted her but…"
"Justin was here?" She nods while tears continue to fall down her puffy eyes. "And you assumed…"
"I went into the room and…" She shakes her head with more sniffles and tears. She wipes her red nose with the back of her hand. I hand her a tissue from my pocket but she doesn't take it so I just grab her face and wipe her nose for her. "Te…"
"You keep swallowing your own snot, it's disgusting." She hiccups. "What were they doing in the room?" I hear the door open slightly. I look up and find Sally's tearstained eyes staring at me with guilt and fear. I can't help but glare at her. She hides her face again and I hear her sniffling.
"He was sucking her tit and she was…giving him a hand job…and his hand was on her…" She points at her crotch. "And…like I saw his whole…penis just there and hard…and she was…" Another crying fit comes on. "My Sally…was doing that to that white skinny boy on her bed…in my place when she lied and told me she's alone...she was going to have sex; I saw the condom there."
I look up again to find Sally's blank face and frowning lips. Disappointment stings me. It's not like this isn't normal. Teenagers have sex. I guess I was just not ready for that day. Sara and I have always thought Sally is a child forever. I still remember the time she was disgusted by penises going inside vaginas and now she wants it and is lying to Sara to have that.
"I don't want her to get pregnant," Sara whispers, breathing heavily. I wrap my arms around her and kiss her temple to calm her down. "Tegan," she whispers with a sniffle. I look up and Sally is still staring at us. Sara pushes me away gently so my feelings wouldn't get hurt but for me to understand that Sally is present and this act of closeness might arouse her suspicion.
"Sally, pack your clothes for the night and tomorrow, you're coming with me."
"No, Teg…"
"Shh." I watch Sally walk inside to pack her stuff. "Listen, let me just take her with me for a few days. You two need to calm down. It's been too much stress and fights lately. I'll be the aunt…I'll talk. I'll try to know what's going on. I'll advise. I just need you to calm down, please. This is going to make her act worse and do exactly the opposite of what you want. You're just yelling and she's yelling. You need to relax." Sara nods, wiping her tears. "I'll see you tomorrow. Don't worry. Doesn't she have a piano lesson?" Sara nods. "Perfect. Right now I just need you to have a drink, take a cold shower and sleep. You need to relax. I'll scare her my way."
"But, Tegan, please…"
I interrupt again, "Don't worry…I won't traumatize her. I'll just talk to her about it calmly. Teenagers don't talk to their parents, Sara."
"But she was so close to me. I was her queen." I feel bad for Sara. She just wants Sally to idolize her forever even though the attachment Sally has had over her wasn't ever healthy. At least Sally's changing and becoming her own person.
"You still are but not when you're bitchy and trying to control her this way. She's growing up, you have to…"
"I'm ready," Sally says with the worst attitude I have seen since Joy. She rolls her eyes at both of us and walks out of the room and out of the corridor.
"If she were related to Joy, I would understand this attitude but…" Sara sighs, wiping more tears.
"Don't worry. It'll be fixed." I peck Sara quickly and stealthily then walk out and head to the door where Sally is waiting for me.
I walk with her towards my place. I switch the lights on as soon as I enter.
"I'm hungry," she says before I can say anything.
"You didn't have dinner?"
"No," she exclaims. "That bitch kept yelling and crying."
"She's your mother," I scold with a glare.
"Ugh, don't be like her please. She's been so bitchy lately and you know it." It's true but I'm not going to admit that. We both know how terribly she exaggerates and how moody and bitchy she can get. Most of my past fights with her were because of her rudeness and bitchy attitude anyway.
That's why I shouldn't be wondering why Sally's like that. She's just like her for sure. Sara's her actual aunt after all. These are just genetics that both have inherited from someone in the family. Probably dad.
"Okay." I sigh, nodding. I should get on her good side right now to understand her perspective. "Change your clothes and I'll see what I can make."
I don't know what to make for her because I already had a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner hours ago and I don't have cheese anymore and my refrigerator is empty. When Sara called, I was doing my daily kegels. I haven't gone out grocery shopping this week because I've been busy with both work and my health. I lifted the coffee table while redecorating my living room a month ago and my uterus prolapsed again. I didn't think it was that heavy, but woke up the next morning with heaviness in my pelvis and since I know this feeling so well, I know now how to take care of it since it isn't so bad. I guess I have to live life with my uterus just hanging down and be careful unless I remove it and get rid of this feeling and this is an option I have been considering but I don't want to think about or talk to anyone about because I've always thought I would get another kid and removing my uterus just means it's impossible even though I am forty-two right now and it is basically impossible. I don't even have the time or the energy to raise a child at this age.
I've been living life in an endless routine for the past five years. I go to work. I spend time with Sara. We either have sex or not. I visit Emy sometimes. I talk to Jeremy other times. Sometimes mum visits during winter or summer break and sometimes we visit. It's a good life, but I feel exhausted and I feel bored. I wish, sometimes, to just take a break from work but it haunts me and I am not enjoying it any longer. Sometimes I wish I can just get away with Sara. We can just go to Greece or Spain or France and just have a nice vacation with good sex like the one we used to have before Sally or knowing the secret.
When I think back, I reminisce the good times, but then I remember they were not good times at all because Sara was the most miserable person on earth. She cried day and night and did not feel good enough. She was struggling with her career and with finding a job. She was daydreaming of death. And now here I am falling into this spiral of questioning everything around me. I guess physical discomfort does birth mental one.
I know I should be thankful that I have Sara and Sally, a job, and a house and everything I truly want, but I just feel tired. I feel tired and nobody gets it and I can't tell anyone about it. I have considered returning to therapy, but I don't even have time for that.
"Hi," Sally says, interrupting my thoughts. I look up at her while chopping the onions. "You're crying."
"It's the onion." I sniffle, throwing it in the pan and hearing it sizzle.
Why can't she just be mine? Why can't we live together as a family? Why did I give her to Sara?
"What are you making? I can help you." I smile at her and hand her peppers to chop. She stares at the meat and her eyes widen with happiness. "Steak?"
"A steak sandwich. That's the only thing I have in the fridge. No cheese though so you'll have to deal with it."
"It's fine. Thank you." She runs up to me to give me a hug. Maybe she knows I'm not crying because of the onion or maybe she can sense it. "I'm sorry," she whispers.
"You should apologize to Sara."
"No, I'm sorry she had to call you and now I'm crashing here with you." Girl, I am your mother.
Why can't I just tell her?
I just shake my head and chuckle. "Shut up, Sally. You're like my kid. You used to crash here all the time when you were very little."
"Really?" She sits at the kitchen table beginning to chop the peppers while I work on the meat.
"Mhm." I smile at her. "We used to spend all day with each other. I'd feed you, change your diapers, sometimes bathe you, play with you, sing to you and then you'd take the chance to sneak out of the room and I'd find you in the kitchen with the refrigerator open and a huge block of cheese in your mouth."
"Oh, my God." She cackles loudly, pushing her long hair back. "I love food."
"You truly do." I take the peppers she's chopped and throw them in the pan. "And now you love boys, too." She looks down at her hands folded on the table and her face turns red immediately. "We have to talk about what's going on, Sally."
"Nothing's going on," she whispers. "It's just…"
"Look, let's just finish cooking and when your food is ready, we can go to my room or the living room so we can talk."
"Okay."
She helps me by washing the items I have dirtied cooking for her and then she takes the two sandwiches I made for her and puts each one in a plate insisting I eat with her. She takes diet coke out of the refrigerator and asks me if I am going to have some or I'll have wine like usual. I decide on coke with her even though I am not even very hungry or thirsty, but I just want to get closer to her.
I decide to lounge in the living room because I don't want any crumbs on my bed. We sit next to each other and I cross my legs carefully on the couch, wincing a little bit as I feel the pressure in my pelvis.
"You're okay?"
"Yeah." I give her a smile watching her take a bite of the sandwich then moan. Her eyes widen with joy at the taste and I laugh a little. "You like it?"
"It's fucking amazing." She moans again and I can't help but stare at her longingly, regretting leaving her. Maybe my life wouldn't have been so empty. Sara gets to experience these happy mother and daughter moments each day.
"Good," I say before taking a sip of my coke. "So tell me…" I bite into the sandwich and understand immediately why Sally has moaned at the taste. I should just be on Master Chef. "…What's going on with you and Sara?"
"Oh like you don't know. She literally tells you everything. The other day she told you about the pimple she had on her butt cheek. I heard the phone call."
"We're eating, Sally." I laugh, nonetheless. Sally still rolls her eyes. "Anyway, I still want to hear your side of the story."
"Well, I…I am growing up, Tegan." I love how she forgets to call me auntie when we're talking about something serious.
"Obviously."
"Yeah and I…I have needs, okay?" I can't believe I gave birth to her. I just pushed her out of me and now she's this person talking about her needs. She was a baby. I don't get how fast time is. It has stolen her away from me. "Like you probably understand. You had sex when you were sixteen."
"Uh…no, when I was eighteen, first. Second, you're not even sixteen," I tell her. "Plus, I had sex with a girl. It's different."
Sally sighs. "I haven't had sex," she says, not eating her food anymore. "I just really like him."
"Does he like you?" I shock her with the question. She looks up at me and opens her mouth to talk then stops. "Or does he like that you like him and he's taking advantage of that because you know exactly that Sara's angry because of his reputation?"
"It's a reputation. It's not real. He's my best friend and I know him." I shake my head at her. "What?"
"You don't really know a guy, hun. Men are fucked up, trust me."
"How do you know? You haven't even, like, seen a dick."
"And now you think you're better than me because you've touched one?" Her face explodes with heat. She shakes her head immediately, smiling embarrassingly at me. "Your mother was shocked at the scene, Sally. Do you even know how hard it is for her to watch you just suddenly grow up and start having these feelings for boys?"
"She should get over it. Both of them should. Stacy's not better. She snoops into my underwear drawers to see if I have like condoms or like lingerie or something because that's where I hide shit and now I can't even hide my diary there because she's read it." Fuck Stacy. I would never invade my daughter's personal space or read her diary. Who does she think she is?
"Well, ummm, they are kinda high maintenance and they really care so…"
"No," Sally interjects loudly. "It's because they're lesbians who don't understand hetero relationships and think if I kiss a guy I'll get pregnant."
"That's fucked up, Sally." God, what is this arrogance? This is Jeremy right here fighting for his fucked up opinion like it's the end of the world. "Your hand was on the guy's penis, Sally. His mouth was on your breast and his hand was on your crotch." Her eyes are wide open. "That's not kissing…that's foreplay before sex and next thing you know he's fucking you without a condom or with a condom which really does not protect that much." She looks at the dead TV screen and side-eyes me. "I don't want to traumatize you but this is the truth, Sally. It is the truth. You are not telling us what's going on and that's why we are scared. You lied to her. You told her you're alone and that's why she's hurt."
"If I I'd told her Justin came over she would have flipped, Tee." True. She would have called me and told me to babysit. She would have screamed and yelled. She doesn't even let Sally stay home alone for long hours. She's just a pain in the ass sometimes.
"She doesn't allow any boy in your house?" Sally shakes her head. "Not even when she's around?"
"Boy or girl…door must always stay open and she'll keep coming and going and watching and fucking eavesdropping and when I am out with my friends, she calls all the time and tells me to upload Instagram stories so that she can see that we're safe but she's actually just trying to know if I am whoring around with someone because she hates all my friends."
God, when did Sara become like that? She hasn't even told me about this. She's officially obsessed. "Umm…when did this start?"
"Very recently, umm…after…"
I raise one eyebrow at her.
"My friend is pregnant." My jaw drops. "Yeah...Caitlin. She told mum because, you know, counselor, and mum had to tell her parents because she was afraid of confronting them alone."
"Shit. Sara hasn't told me."
"It's business ethics. She doesn't tell students shit to other people but Caitlin told me. Mum then became sex crazed and she already hates Justin and now all she thinks and talks about is birth control and sex and I am not even doing that."
I take a deep breath. That's too much information. God, Sara's overthinking is disastrous.
"What happened today…was…it's the first time something like this happens," she whispers. "I…guess…I got carried away."
"You?"
"Yeah…I…I was turned on when he was kissing me and I just…I let him do it…um…kiss me there and…" She points at her chest. "I took his…god…you get it." I nod, taking all the information in. She's sexual. We have to accept it. She is a very sexual person and the only thing we can do is educate her and talk to her and make sure she knows what she's doing.
"Okay, listen…" I put my half eaten sandwich and the coke can on the coffee table and shift around to face her. "I am going to give you the talk…" She whines immediately. "But my own talk…my way." She's still grimacing with disgust.
"Can you not, though?" She pushes her head back with a long sigh.
"Sally, I know what you're going through. You're a hormonal teenager and I was this hormonal teenager once."
"Ugh." She looks at me with her cheek resting on a clenched fist. "Yeah?"
"I think that, umm, you have, maybe more sexual needs than Sara…like, your body craves sexual interaction…"
"Look, just stop because your face is gonna explode, Tegan." She snorts, laughing at me.
I am embarrassed because I haven't done this before but I know I should. She's my kid after all and I probably understand her better than Sara.
"Yeah, well, it's…hard doing this."
"Then stop," she whispers. "I get it…I'm a horny person. Mum doesn't get it."
"I was this horny person." I sigh, revealing a little bit of truth about me. "Like…I sometimes masturbated four times a day. I was just a mess." She covers her face with one hand while shaking my head. "Can you pretend I am your friend and stop being embarrassed? Like I am not Sara. I want us to talk like friends."
"It's just so fucked up hearing you talk about masturbation so openly." Yes it is. I can barely do it. But I have to get closer to her and make her tell me about all the things she knows and whatever she does. I don't want my kid pregnant at sixteen. She obviously has zero self control. "And masturbation doesn't even do it for me sometimes, okay?"
"Yeah, I can tell." I chuckle. I take a swig of my coke to water my dry throat and then continue, "That's why I'm gonna do something that I want you not to tell Sara about."
"Do what?" She looks at me with pretend playful horror in her mischievous eyes.
I take a deep breath. "I'll get you a sex toy…like a small vibrator you can use until…"
"Eww," she screams with laughter. "I can't believe you're offering that." I can't believe it, too, kid.
"Well, it's better than living with the fear that you'll get knocked up at any second and the father is an irresponsible boy who you don't even have a lot of feelings for but you're sleeping with him because you're just horny."
"So you had a vibrator when you were my age?"
"No." I laugh. "I couldn't get one. You can't get one before you were 18."
"But…"
"I had sex when I was very young, Snowball," I reveal. "Like very young." She furrows her brows. "Sara knows but I didn't wanna say it because it's, umm, a traumatizing experience that I don't like to talk about." I wink at her even though my eyes are tearing up.
"I'm so sorry," she whispers, reaching me for a hug. She kisses my cheek and I give her a quick back rub before she lets go. She's so sensitive and kind like Sara. "Is this why you don't…umm…have someone…"
"Umm, no, not really. It's actually something else that I might tell you later and might not. It's very personal and nobody knows about it but my close friends and family." She nods again. "But, umm, for awhile I did, umm, sleep with girls…and…a guy." She opens her big blue eyes in shock. "Yeah, but please don't tell Sara. She doesn't know about the guy part." I should tell Sara. I should just tell her. It's not a big deal.
"Wow." Sally's finally comfortable around me, slouching on the couch and listening intently. I guess you win teens by exposing shit they like to hear about. "I never thought you were bi."
"Ha…I am not." I rub my sleepy eyes and sigh. "I'm gay but, yeah, I wanted to know I guess…to experience the feeling. You were born by the way. I even...suspected I was pregnant once and I honestly…felt happy for a bit and so I got this pregnancy test and took it to the bathroom and you, of course, being a year and three months old walked in with me and watched me take the test then handed me toilet paper and then I discovered I was not pregnant and yeah…but yeah I hated sex with a man…it's not very good."
"I can't believe this happened." She rests her head on my lap and yawns. "I feel…so sad?"
"Why?"
"I don't know. It seems sometimes you want a baby so much. I see the way you play with Sam and, like, you're so nice and kind to me and sometimes I feel like you're so sad and so I feel sad for you."
If I had her, I would not be sad. I am sad because I am alone even when I am not. I am sad because I have ruined my own life.
"I'm not sad," I whisper. "This happened a long time ago. I am completely fine now. I am having some uterine complications. I'm not sure if Sara told you."
"Yeah…umm, she said you have womb issues and that's why you were crying a few months ago when you slept over." I nod, remembering the pain I was in and Sara's nursing hand trying to relieve me.
"Yeah, I was in pain…it comes and goes." I smile down at her. "But other than that I am happy."
"That's good." She smiles back at me.
"Yeah, so what I was saying is that I've had loveless sex with a few people when I was your age because I just wanted to have sex and it really just affected me badly. It was traumatizing, disgusting, unneeded…and loveless. When sex is loveless, it's meaningless, especially if it's your first time." She nods. "And Sara knows you are as sexual as I am so she has this fear you'll end up like me. My past experiences affected Sara and affected my relationships and Sara wants the best life for you…a life that's not like mine."
"So you'll just get a sex toy for me to help until…"
"I mean I wish I don't have to but you're saying masturbation isn't enough so…" She blushes deeply, covering her face with a giggle. "It's better than…"
"What if I do it with a girl?"
"Do you just wanna do it so badly?" She sighs. "Why?"
"I wanna lose my V card like all of them." I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "But I wanna wait until I fall in love now and I am…"
"How many of your friends have had sex?"
"All of them," she says quickly.
"How many do you think are lying to get attention and approval?" She opens her mouth to speak and then stops.
"Oh…"
"Trust me that's the case with most."
"I know Brianna's not a virgin, though. She's had sex with…a girl." I nod. "And yeah…she says it's so nice because the girl went down on her, but yeah, I…"
"What's your sexuality?" I cut her off when she begins to stutter.
"I'm not sure," she whispers. "I really am not sure." She sighs again. "I am confused."
"You could be bisexual, Sally…it's fine." She nods.
"I get off to gay porn though…like I get wet when I see a penis." Too much information. Too fucking much information. I don't need to know that about my kid.
"It's fine not knowing now. That's why just live your life and be careful. Just enjoy it, Sally. When the right time comes, you'll know it. You'll be with someone who treats you right, who'll take care of you in bed, and who will make you feel relaxed and good. It won't be rushed and it won't feel wrong." She sits up, giving me a side hug and then kissing my cheek again. "And it will be with the right person. Not with someone who has a bad rep and sleeps with a girl on her bed while her mum's out and they're not even dating." She nods shamefacedly. "We are strict because we care. We love you so much and we want you to have a perfect life unlike ours." I kiss her cheek, fighting my own tears.
I find many text messages from Sara when I get to bed. She's wondering if everything is alright and what type of details I was able to take from Sally. I text her back that I will tell her everything when I see her.
My sleep is uncomfortable and I wake up in sweat many times during the night. I check on Sally in the spare bedroom and then get back to mine to toss and turn again until the morning. The discomfort in my pelvis increases. Before I leave the bed, I try to examine my insides, fingering myself a little but not getting myself to an orgasm due to my lack of libido.
I shower and make breakfast for Sally and me while she showers, too.
"Can I stay over for the rest of the week, please?" she asks me on our way to her school.
"Isn't this the plan?"
"Oh," she says. "Thank God. I just want a break and I like talking to you." I take a look at her sweet smile and I smile back, almost stopping the car to reveal the truth. I just want her to know.
But she might hate me if she does.
I can make up a story. I can tell her I was young and my mental health was very bad so Sara and Stacy adopted her. I don't have to tell her the whole truth. I just want her to know that I gave birth to her and I love her so much and regret giving her to Sara.
"Don't forget to pick me up after my piano lesson, please," she reminds me before getting out of the car. "Brianna's dad is getting us to the music center so you don't have to worry about me getting there. Mum knows, okay?"
"Yeah, I know. She told me." Sally nods. "If you need anything, call me." I know both of her mothers work at the school, but she's not talking to them right now and I am the one in charge at the moment.
"Kay. Bye." She leaves and I drive to work.
As my daily routine goes, I do the mundane work, I chat with some colleagues, I talk to my assistant about things we share in common, and I argue with my father over the phone like we do almost every day. I've always wanted to be my own boss and that was my chance. I just didn't know that working with my father is worse than working a normal 9 to 5 job in which I am a regular employee and there are many bosses and managers bossing me around. My dad is just a pain in the ass and now I know why he and my mother are not married and never worked out. He's selfish, he's mean, and he wants to control everything and everyone.
I visit Sara's place when Sally's in the music center. I, of course, had to leave work earlier than usual but Sara and I must talk.
I fill her in on Sally's relationship with Justin getting her to relax knowing Sally isn't sexually active and understands things better now. I don't tell her about the sex toy part because she will not understand. I tell her I had to tell Sally a little bit about my past, narrating exactly what I told Sally and revealing that I have had an experience with a guy before.
But to Sara, I reveal more. I tell her why I had slept with Ted and explain how long that sexual relationship lasted. Though Sara seems disappointed, she nods quietly, which I didn't expect to happen.
"I hid it because I was ashamed of it," I whisper, leaning against the counter in the kitchen.
"It's…fine." She wipes a quickly fallen tear from her eye in her place on the chair by the kitchen table. "I just wish you have told me…I wish you have trusted me with that information. I tell you everything."
"I know." I go with the flow because I don't want to upset her more than she already is upset. I know she's going through a lot so I try my best to be calm. "It was a very dark time for me. You were with Stacy and I was dying inside. I wanted to hurt myself so much."
"I understand." She sighs. "I just…am, shocked because, like…a guy? I know you slept with like many girls but didn't expect you to sleep with a guy…ever." She chuckles. "Wow, I'm the only golden star I know…I feel…"
"Don't feel anything, Sara." I walk up to her and sit beside her. "You should be proud you didn't seek the self-destruction road I've sought." I hold her hand and squeeze. "Don't think you're missing out on anything because sleeping with men is the biggest eh ever." She giggles a little with her ears running down and cheeks red and beautiful.
"I shouldn't feel this but part of me is jealous."
"Jealous?" She nods. "Of me?"
"You and Sally…I feel like…my daughter has touched an actual dick and I haven't even seen a real one until yesterday and I felt horrified." I laugh loudly. I push my head back and laugh. "Tee," she whines. "It's…not funny."
"You're cute, Sara." I take her hand and kiss her knuckles. "You're adorable." She sighs. "Come here. Sit on my lap." She obliges immediately, taking a place on my lap. The pressure increases. I moan a little bit.
"I'm too heavy," she states.
"It's not you." I sigh. "My uterus is just fucked. I think it has prolapsed again. I checked this morning. I fingered myself. Didn't feel anything different but, damn, the pressure I feel." She looks at me with furrowed brows and worried eyes. "I'm getting a checkup tomorrow for sure. I'll call today to book an appointment." I peck her so she wouldn't worry.
"Maybe you should just…" I know what she's hinting at and I nod. "It would be better for you…"
"And us…our sex life." She nods. "Is it hard for you to get wet? Like very hard?" She shakes her head. "Since, like, you're almost fifty and you're approaching menopause for sure." She raises her eyebrows. "Come on…you hit perimenopause ages ago and you still get periods…it's gonna happen soon."
"Yeah…but…nothing really has changed in that…part. I'm still horny as ever and I get wet easily…sure we need lube for, like, dildos, but I've needed it since ever."
"Yeah." I rub her soft arms and ponder about my situation in my head. She lets me rest my head on her chest and her heartbeat sways my irritated mind, brining solace and peace to it. "Do you think if I had given birth to Sally in a hospital, I wouldn't have had to deal with such issues?"
"If you hadn't left the house running when you had just given birth, you wouldn't have had to deal with that. If you had just stopped being stubborn and stopped lifting heavy shit and playing basketball, you would've been fine. Literally almost every woman gets a prolapsed uterus after birth and it increases with age and multiple childbirths, but you just didn't take care of yourself enough, Tegan. You just liked to bully and hurt yourself thinking this is how you'll get even with yourself after hurting the people around you."
"Wow," I whisper.
"It's the truth," she says loudly. She grabs my face and looks at me. "You can't deny you did many fucked up shit to hurt yourself after hurting me or Emy or whoever."
"Mhm." I take a deep breath. "I get it."
"I'm just saying." She gets up, still facing me nonetheless. "Like now you're paying the pri..."
"I wanna tell Sally I'm her mother," I interrupt, saying what has been on my mind all morning.
"What?" she exclaims.
"Maybe it's time I tell her that."
"Tegan, what the fuck?" she screams loudly. "What the fuck are you talking about?" Her face is red with anger and her hands are shaking. "Are you listening to yourself?"
"I'm not gonna tell her about us," I try to explain. "Listen to me…I can just tell her I was young and fucked up and I had to give her up so you and Stacy adopted her and…"
"No," she shouts. "No," she repeats again, tears already streaming down her face. "I make her sleep at your place one night and you do this?"
I take a deep breath. "She's my kid," I say gently and calmly. "She's mine."
"Legally, she is mine," she answers with gritted teeth. "Historically, she is mine…you did not want her, Tegan. She is not yours," she says as slowly as possible as if I am some dumb bitch. "You can't just ruin everything for her and us right now just because she told you about herself for once. She did so because you're her aunt and if she knew the truth she will only hate you. She's my kid and I know her. She will hate you."
"You don't know shit," I say, getting up. "If you knew her well, she wouldn't have asked me to crash over at my place for the rest of the week. She wouldn't have called you an annoying bitch behind your back. You don't understand her but I do because I was just like her and now I know how to direct her to the right place."
"I can't believe you're saying this," she says, hiccupping and shaking. "Te…"
"Look…I'm gonna think about it. You think about it, too. Like…she has to find out who has given birth to her. Just think about it. I'm not gonna say shit for now until you think about it well and I do, too."
"There is no thinking about it," she exclaims, stopping me from walking to the door. "Have you gone mad?" I push her hand off me when she begins pulling me back. "No, don't…"
"Sara, keep your hand away," I shout. "We were just talking like grownups and now you're being overly dramatic about something so normal and needs to be done."
"You promised you wouldn't take her from me," Sara says, exaggerating her tears and sniffles.
"I'm not," I shoot. "I just wanna tell her I am her biological mother. I don't want to take her from you, Sara." Sara shakes her head. "Just think about it…just do…It might not be a bad thing. Please…Sara…calm down and think about it." I open the door and leave her inside her apartment crying as if I have just told her she won't get to see her kid again.
With a heavy heart, I get groceries then pick Sally up from her piano lesson. My silence concerns her and she asks about it many times. I tell her it's work related and that we should just think about how I am making her risotto for dinner.
"If your mum calls, talk to her, okay?" I ask her. I don't want Sara to think I am taking Sally away from her. I just want Sally to know the truth about me.
"Yeah…She and mama both asked me if I am okay and if I needed anything at school today." I nod. "You talked to her?" I nod again. "And?"
"It's all good. She's just worried about you." Sally sighs. "Taking a break is good. You'll miss each other being apart for a week."
Once again, I cook and she helps me. She tells me about her day, about avoiding Justin, about Justin being embarrassed Sara has seen him naked, about her friends, and about every little detail I haven't ever gotten the chance to hear from her because Sara was the secrets hoarder for awhile.
After dinner, she disappears in the bedroom to do her homework while I try to do my kegels after attempting to call Sara three times without getting any response. We watch a movie later then I ask Sally to come up to my room to give her what I promised I would buy for her.
"I got you, umm, the vibrator I told you about." Her eyes pop wide open and her face heats up immediately. "Umm…it's…like you can read the details and how to use it but this should do for awhile until you're actually ready to have sex. You can use it outside and inside, okay?" I void looking at her, handing her the bag.
"I didn't think you'd actually get it. Like wow…it's like having my mum getting me sex toys…that's crazy." And that's the truth. Your mother is actually getting you a sex toy because she doesn't want you to fuck up your life with strangers like she's done.
"Just hide it and don't tell Sara about it," I mumble. "And please don't use it in my house…I don't feel comfortable knowing you're gonna use that in my…"
"Honestly, auntie Tee, I don't think I'll feel comfortable enough using it knowing you bought it to me...Like…I'll be thinking of you while using it and that's…"
"Eww, stop." I laugh, shaking my head. "If you don't want it, give it to me."
"Uh…no…I might forget you got it and use it. Pretty sure you have enough." I raise one eyebrow at her. "I'm not eleven," she says before rolling her eyes and leaving.
I try to call Sara again in bed, but she still doesn't pick up even though she is online. I send her a text message after another and then record a voice message:
Babe, listen to me, I don't want to hurt you but I am hurting, too. Please think about it. Think about how if you were in her shoes, you would love to know who your mother is, Sara. You've always wanted to know, remember? Why make her find out suddenly when I can just tell her and fill in the gaps with a good, simple explanation? I can tell her a man I don't know knocked me up.
She responds immediately:
You amaze me, Tegan. First of all, she doesn't know she's adopted so she doesn't wonder. She's in peace with the whole situation. Why do you wanna complicate it? Second of all, telling her a random guy knocked you up will make her search for her birth father all her life like I've searched for my birth mother. Tegan, you're not making sense. You just want her to be shocked and confused when she should be getting ready for college, when she should be studying her ass off to get to a good college.
Then I can tell her it's Jeremy…which is the truth and it will fill in the gap of no father for her.
Fuck you! This will make things go south for me, for you, for Stacy, for Jeremy, and for her. I swear to God, Tegan, if you tell her about it without my consent, I would never talk to you ever again. I am not kidding.
"You're selfish," I type angrily.
She sends a voice note:
YOU are selfish, Tegan. You are. You want to do this for yourself not for her. You want to feel something when you know it will fuck everything we have built. Just know that this is the last straw for us, Tegan. I've had it.
"I wish I've never met you," I type and send then leave my phone to cry in bed until I fall asleep and wake up the next morning with Sally's voice over me.
"I need a ride to school," Sally whispers. She's fully dressed with her hair brushed and tucked behind her ears. "Or should I…take an…"
"Shit, I forgot to set the alarm." I get up, immediately feeling the sharp heaviness in my lower abdomen. I can feel it in my vagina when I stand, too. I forgot to call the doctor. Fuck my life. "Umm, Sally," I whisper.
"Yeah?" She can tell I'm not okay when I sit down again. "Tee?"
"Is it okay if you go to school on your own?" I take a deep breath. "I think I have a prolapsed uterus and I don't think I can drive."
"Tegan…" She's hesitant. She doesn't know what to do or say. "Maybe I should stay with you."
"No, no." I lie back on the bed. "I'll lie down, call my doctor, get an appointment and try to go there soon to deal with it."
"Should I tell mum?" I shake my head quickly. "But…"
"Don't tell her. If something happens, I will." She nods with furrowed brows.
The first thing I do is call dad to explain to him why I can't go to work. Surprisingly enough, he's more worried than angry. He tells me to take care and go to the doctor immediately. I ask him not to tell mum because she will worry for no reason and might tell Sara. I then call work to tell them I will not be coming. I wait till 8:30 and then call my doctor hoping she's at the clinic.
"I'm so sorry, Tegan," she says after I explain the situation to her. "I truly can't book you today."
"I am in a lot of discomfort," I try, taking a deep breath.
"I really can't, but I just put you first thing tomorrow morning. At eight you'll be here so we can deal with it once and for all because what's happening to you isn't normal at all." I don't know what makes me cry: the fact I can't just go and get rid of this discomfort and pain or the fact that her words scare me. "This is the third time since the beginning of the year."
"I think this one's really bad," I say through tears. "I just feel like I'm sitting on a ball."
"Shit," she whispers. "Tegan, listen to me. Stay in bed all day long. Try to have someone next to you to help you. Don't move much and when you go to the bathroom, monitor yourself and check if your uterus is at the opening of your vagina. If it is, head to the hospital immediately."
"It isn't. I checked," I say. "I peed and I checked."
"That's good." She takes a deep breath. "You might begin bleeding if it drops too. If this happens also take yourself to the hospital."
"Okay."
"Strange discharge, too. Not normal one. You'll know how that is…"
"I know, I know. I've had that before." My doctor sighs. "Yeah…maybe I should just remove my uterus already."
"You should truly consider it. It's brining more pain to you than anything and there is no way you can carry a child in it."
"Yeah," I whisper. Maybe if I freeze my eggs and then give them to someone to…no, no, no…I'll get Sally back. She's mine.
I watch one movie after the other in bed. I do my kegels and have breakfast and lunch too after ordering food because I can barely stand and cook for myself. Going to the bathroom is hard, too. I can feel my uterus so down and I am scared it actually does reach my vaginal opening like all the horror stories I have read on the internet.
Sally checks up on me and I fill her in on what happened. She doesn't have much knowledge about the situation so I tell her I would explain when she's back home.
"Mum asked about you," she tells me on the phone. "She knew I came by Lyft…she saw me getting out of the car…I told her your uterus was acting up and…yeah, we didn't talk much."
"Did she say anything?" Sara would be wonderful right now. She would help me and make me feel better but she just doesn't care about my feelings at all.
"Nope," Sally says. Selfish. When did she become so selfish?
Sally joins me in bed when she's back home. I order another meal for dinner when she declares her hunger.
"I googled it and I read that this thing happens after pregnancy and childbirth." I chuckle. "What?"
"Not necessarily…sometimes you just carry something so heavy it fucks you up." She frowns, studying my swollen facial features. "How was your day?"
She yawns loudly and smiles. "Good."
"Good?" I hum curiously. She nods with a sheepish smile. "What happened?"
"I got an A in two tests and a paper andddd…" She covers her face. "Justin apologized to mum and told her he really likes me and he doesn't wanna hurt me at all." She bites her lower lip and I nod while digesting the information. "Mum was actually nice to him and listened very well. Like he told me all of this. Mum and I barely talk but she's giving me some space." I chuckle shaking my head. She furrows her brows.
"Oh…umm…I guess Sara listened to my talk," I say. Or she's acting like that so that Sally won't forget or neglect her when she knows I am her real mother.
"Yeah, you should do that often, Auntie Tee." She puts her head on my shoulder and closes her eyes happily. "I love having you in my life."
"Thank you." I kiss her head. The smell of her shampoo relaxes me and I close my eyes as well. We both nap for awhile until I am awakened by her shifting around me.
"I need money to pay the delivery man," she says. "Mum didn't give me any when I came here and mama gave me some yesterday but I spent it all."
"Yes, honey, you can find some in my wallet. It's in the living room, on the coffee table."
I go to the bathroom and decide to change my pajamas to feel a little bit better. I sit on the mattress and start taking my clothes off, ridding myself off my pajama shirt and kicking my pants down.
"The pizza's very hot," Sally says excitingly as she walks in to the room. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry," she screams, covering her eyes.
"It's fine. It's fine." I put on my sportsbra quickly then wear my black t-shirt. "I need your help with the sweatpants, please."
"Okay." She uncovers her eyes and walks up to me. "Do you want me to pull it up?"
I nod, wincing in pain. "I can't bend down." She looks up at me with fear and concern and I nod, waiting for her to help me get dressed.
"Is this good?" she says once the grey sweatpants are all the way up. I lift myself a little bit and pull it up, sighing with a nod. "I didn't know you have your nipples pierced. That's so cool."
"Okay, don't tell Sara you know about this. She hates it and gets uncomfortable knowing you know too much of these details." Sally rolls her eyes.
"She has a tattoo underneath her left boob." I laugh, nodding. "Like she shouldn't be judging."
"She doesn't judge. She's just…prudish." Sally nods. "We should eat."
"Yeah, I'm so hungry."
She brings the drinks and the plates and we eat in bed and chat as she requests.
"I don't want a movie…I want us to talk." I listen to her and answer her curious questions about me. How many people I have dated, how I knew I was gay, who my celebrity crush is and many more questions until she gets to the ones about me and Sara.
"How did you just…like meet?"
"You know this," I chuckle. "Sara wanted to know who her birth parents were so she searched and found them. I was seventeen back then. We didn't get along very well so mum sent me to study at the same university she's in…and we ended up in the same dorm." The truth is that this story makes more sense than the real one. Fate just joined us and we ended up fucking each other until one day Sara discovered we're sisters because mum was drunk and suspicious?
"I'm glad mum searched for her birth parents…I don't like Auntie Joy much. She's just…" Sally wrinkles her nose while chewing.
"I know." I sigh. "She hates me."
"She hates that I look a lot like you." Sally shrugs, looking down. "But I think you are honestly so beautiful so I'm lucky, I guess."
"You look like both Sara and me." I smile. "You are gorgeous."
"And my big blue eyes are probably…" She chuckles…"my dad's…" She looks down at her finger.
"Or your grandpa's." I smile even though I'm nervous. She nods. "People used to think you're Stacy's biological kid when you were very young."
"Yeah, I know." She laughs a little. "It made her happy." Her mischievous smile makes me snort. "I know you don't like her."
"What?" I say with a high pitched tone. She raises one eyebrow. "I do," I lie.
"You don't," Sally whispers teasingly. "I even asked mum and she said it's something that you guys have disagreed upon when I was a baby and she doesn't like to talk about it…I swear to God, our family's full of secrets. I just wanna know them."
This breaks my heart. She's living her life in ignorance because of Sara. I have been in her place before. I know how it sucks knowing something's going on but not knowing exactly what it is.
She makes me coffee in bed and does her homework beside me. When Sara calls her, she checks up on both of us. I can hear Sara's words. Sally tells her I am very tired, so Sara texts me after, wondering if everything is okay and offering to take me to the hospital.
"If I need something, I'll tell you. Thank you for checking," I text her back and put my head on the pillow.
"Sleep, Auntie Tee. You seem tired."
"Can you get me the heating pad? Prepare it and get it to me?"
"Sure." Sally leaves me in pain and discomfort and I toss and turn feeling the pressure increase. I take myself to the bathroom and sit on the toilet, feeling what I have been warned about. I inspect and I am met with the most horrifying sensation when I touch my opening. I get up and gasp because I can see it well and I can barely stand. I sit on the floor and take a deep breath. "Sally," I scream, breathing in and out. "Sally."
I hear her running to the door but not coming inside. "Tegan?" she calls. "Is ev…"
"Call Sara quickly," I say through tears, noticing I have begun to bleed. "Tell her to come over quickly. Please."
My tears increase and Sally pushes the door with her phone against her ears. She gasps, looking down at me. "Mum…mum…come over quickly…I don't know…Tegan's on the bathroom floor and…" She looks down between my legs and her eyes widen. "She's…I don't know mum, it looks horrifying…her vagina…something is coming out of it and there's blood all over the floor and she's crying."
I bite onto my knee and shut my eyes tightly trying to bear the pain during the few minutes before Sara comes. Sally attempts rubbing my back and shushing me, but I feel so overwhelmed so I just cry and cry without any pause until I see Sara panicking next to me. She and Sally help me get dressed and walk me to the car in which Sara calls Emy, mum, and even dad while driving to the hospital.
"Let them remove it, please," I tell Sara in the emergency room. I'm barely awake…I think. I can barely see anything or hear anything. I don't know how I got here but I am here and they are numbing my pain. "Just remove it."
"Shhh." Sara leans in to kiss my forehead, taking my hand in hers. "It's gonna be fine. You'll be fine."
"I shouldn't have had Sally," I say before I fully fall asleep and wake up without a uterus but without pain.