If Gereon or Livia noticed the change in Dorian's mood, they didn't say anything, but it was undeniable.

Since Cassian's departure, Dorian had grown more and more silent, having pulled away ever so slightly. He had written letters to him, as he had before when Cassian had been travelling between the Circle and the Alexius household, but the difference was that this time, he got no response.

He would have been tempted to believe that Cassian's carriage had been assaulted on the road or something of the sort if not for the fact that Livia did get responses to -her- letters.

It was all too obvious that Cassian was avoiding him and if that's how it was going to be, then Dorian would ignore him back.

It hurt all the more to know that he ignoring Cassian meant absolutely nothing to the other man, but setting ablaze the letters he had gotten from him in the past had made him feel slightly better.

At least for a little while.

His work suffered as well as he spent many hours every day just staring at the pages in his book. He did well enough when Alexius was working with him, giving him focus, but when he was alone, his mind drifted back to Cassian and he just started hurting.

He wanted to forget him, wanted to forget everything they had done together and so Dorian sought a very old friend thanks to an old memory.

He started drinking more.

It was all in secret, of course, and never so much that he made himself sick. At least not very sick. It was all too easy to steal a bottle of wine or two from the cellar in the evening and discreetly dispose of them in the kitchen the next day. He would drink them, in private, in his own room. Just enough for his mind to start swimming to better places and he could just lie in the cloud until he fell asleep.

His saviour would come in the form of a slightly angry letter from Felix, scolding him for not responding to his letters and it was only then that Dorian realised that while Cassian had been there, he had completely forgotten to respond to his dear friend while he was in Orlais.

He sat down that evening, and the evening after that, but despite his earnest attempts, Dorian was unable to actually write something. Everything in his mind had just stopped and he was struggling to put even the simplest of thoughts into place, just like when he tried to work on his assignments.

Which was why it was such a surprise when Felix came home rather surprisingly during Cloudreach.

Dorian couldn't deny that seeing Felix again set his spirits high and for the first time in many months, he was able to truly smile.

He was able to enjoy dinner with the family, listening to Felix telling stories from his time in Orlais and he found that laughing came a bit easier.

As the mood calmed and they were gathered in the sitting-room, nipping at brandy and sharing stories, Livia touched upon the subject of Cassian, happily sharing all the research and work they had done.

Dorian's chest ached from the mere thought and when he felt it appropriate, he excused himself back to his room to seek out comfort in a bottle of wine.

Felix, however, would have none of it.

"You know, my father did express concern about your wellbeing these last months, but I didn't think it was that bad."

Dorian had been standing with his back to his bedroom door and as a result almost dropped the bottle with red he had been holding, having just pulled it out from under his bed.

He whirled around, clutching it to his chest while his cheeks reddened to the colour of the wine he longed for. "F-Felix, I... I did not even hear you come in."

"I know," Felix said, his expression sombre. "I didn't want you too. Father suspected that you were the one stealing the bottles, but he didn't want to say something because he knew something was troubling you. Something you felt uncomfortable talking to him about."

Felix slowly walked into the room, as if Dorian was a large, scared animal that could attack him. Perhaps that's what he was worried about.

"What is wrong, Dorian," he whispered as he was within an arms length. "Speak to me."

"I... It's nothing," Dorian said, trying to sound convincing, but he knew that he was just lying to himself. A person clutching at a bottle in the same way a man clutched at a lifeline when he was about to drown was anything but fine.

Felix didn't say anything. Instead he just reached out and gently took a hold of the neck of the bottle, giving it a small tug.

Dorian let out a small huff, holding it tighter, giving Felix a challenging look, but Felix would have none of it. He just stared back, holding Dorian's gaze until Dorian slowly released his hold on the bottle, his challenging gaze becoming more a look of shame as he lowered his gaze to the ground.

Still Felix said nothing; he merely moved away to set the bottle onto Dorian's desk before returning to his friend. He reached out and took Dorian's hands in his, squeezing them tenderly before tugging Dorian to the bed. He felt the other man hesitate the closer to the bed they got, but Felix still kept his tongue. He sat down and, with a final tug, made Dorian sit down next to him.

He never let go of Dorian's hand, never stopped looking at him and it was that look that finally broke Dorian's resolve.

"Maker, I am such a bleeding idiot," he said, his voice shaking before the tears started coming like a waterfall.

Felix merely released Dorian's hand in favour of wrapping his arms around him, tugging him close enough for Dorian to bury his face in Felix's shoulder, his arms wrapping themselves around Felix as if his life depended on it.

He let Dorian cry, feeling his robe grow warm and wet from his friend's tears and he ached for him.

"There now," he whispered softly, tilting his head against Dorian's, letting one hand slide up to bury itself in Dorian's long, thick hair, caressing and petting it in what he hoped what a soothing way. It's what his mother had done for him when he had been upset as a child.

If it was the petting or just letting Dorian have this release, Felix didn't know, but after a while, the pained sobs and the tears stopped until the only thing that came from Dorian was soft, sad and wet sniffles.

He didn't let Felix see his face as he pulled away, but as Dorian reached up to rub his eyes, Felix could see the smudges of kohl on his friend's arm and hand.

"Better?"

Dorian nodded some before pointing a slightly shaky hand towards a pitcher that was on his table. "... Can I have some water, please," he whispered, his voice raw from crying.

"Of course," Felix murmured, getting up so he could fill Dorian's glass with water instead of the wine his friend had desired earlier.

He returned to the bed along with a piece of cloth so Dorian could dry his face, handing it to him as he sat down. He allowed Dorian the time he needed to get himself ready to actually face Felix again, but as Dorian looked up, Felix couldn't help the pained look that appeared on his own face.

Dorian's eyes were red and now that the kohl was gone from his face, he could see the amount of pain and grief that was on his face. "Oh, Dorian," he whispered, reaching up and cupping Dorian's cheek.

"Maker, what has happened?"

"I was just a fool," Dorian whispered back, sniffing hard as he struggled with meeting Felix's gaze.

"A fool who believed everything that was whispered to me by-" He stopped himself and bit his bottom lip hard, hesitating before finally continuing. "... Never mind by whom. It does not matter. Not anymore."

"Of course it matters," Felix said, letting his hand drop from Dorian's face. "Please. I am your friend, Dorian. Tell me and maybe I can help you."

Dorian let out a snort and shook his head. "... You cannot help me. Nobody can, Felix," he whispered.

"Don't say that," Felix said with a slight frown of his own. "It might not feel like it now, but talking about it may-"

"You don't understand, Felix," Dorian said, his voice pained as he looked at Felix again. "... I am sick. And I cannot be cured for it. I thought it was okay, I thought I could ignore it, but... But I was wrong. And I am paying for it now. As I should."

"Sick?" Felix frowned, a look of confusion in his eyes. "What do you mean sick?"

"Abnormal," Dorian whispered. "Wrong. I am wrong."

"Dorian."

Felix's voice was firm, but there was still warmth to it.

Dorian felt that lump in his throat again, feeling how it grew larger and larger until it threatened to choke him. He swallowed hard, tried to get rid of it, but it remained firmly in place.

The voice that escaped him sounded so small, so weak, that for a second, Dorian wasn't sure if he had been the one to speak or not.

"... I thought he liked me, Felix... But he just wanted to fuck me..."

"... He?"

Dorian nodded slowly, looking away from Felix with a look of shame and disgust on his face.

"... Your mother's student," he whispered weakly. "Cassian. He... He said he liked me. That we were the same. He... He said I was handsome. Beautiful. He wanted me. And I wanted him back."

"Tell me everything, Dorian," Felix said, his voice still warm and with no hint of disgust in it.

So Dorian told him everything. Absolutely everything.

He told him how he had noticed his own thoughts when he was young, but never acted on them until the day he ran away from the Order of Argent.

How he had looked at men and felt desire when nothing was felt when he saw and spoke to women.

How Cassian had come to the house and completely taken him by storm, sweeping him off his feet.

How they had touched, kissed, the letters and then, finally, the sex. How Dorian had given himself to Cassian whenever Cassian had come to his room, how good it had felt to him, how he had felt, both the good and the bad.

Everything came flooding out of him like a broken dam and Felix, Maker bless him, listened, without saying a word.

Dorian wasn't sure when he had started crying again until Felix took the cloth from him and carefully started drying his cheeks.

"Well, I do not know this Cassian, but I know that if I see him, I will introduce him to the wide end of my staff."

Dorian blinked his eyes, surprised by the words as he looked at Felix. He had expected many things, but not that.

Felix merely smiled gently as he saw the look of surprise on Dorian's face. "... What? Should I react to the fact that you like men, Dorian? Please, I have known that for a long time as it was."

"... What?"

Felix chuckled, smiling. "Come now. How many times did we sneak out together for a pint down at the Tavern? How many girls were showering you with attention without you even batting an eye, but the second a man came in and offered you ale, you were the one fluttering your eyelashes? I am only surprised it took you this long to realise it yourself."

"But... But it is wrong," Dorian managed to stutter out, which just made Felix laugh more.

"In Tevinter, perhaps, but that is because we are stuck in the past," Felix replied, his lips tugged into a grin instead of a smile.

"In Orlais, it is perfectly acceptable, normal even. You wouldn't believe the amount of men and women I saw, hand in hand with someone of the same gender. I couldn't believe it myself when I first came there, but now I know it is just what it is. Some people like girls, some people like men. We are as the Maker created us and there is no fault in that. At least that's what I think."

"But-"

"No but, Dorian," Felix said firmly. "Just think about how Tevinter is. You don't even see a man and a woman outside, holding hands, unless it is to prove something. There is always a respectable distance between them. Look at my mother and father. They are the so-called "mould-breakers" because they do things differently. I never realised until I was in Orlais that my mother and father are the only married couple I have seen outside court and balls that have affection for one another."

Dorian was about to say something, but instead snapped his mouth shut.

Felix was right. Now that he thought about it, he had never seen a couple like Magister Alexius and his wife. Maker, they even shared a bedroom while his own parents had had separate quarters for as long as he could remember.

"I recognise that look," Felix mused, smirking a little as Dorian's face turned red, the look of realisation making way for one of annoyance and embarrassment.

"You just realised something, didn't you."

"Yes and... And no. I hear what you say," Dorian replied, then shook his head. "But... That is still a man and a woman. There is no man or woman in Tevinter who has been shown being close with someone of their own gender. Affection is one thing, but this..? What I feel-"

"-is normal," Felix finished, interrupting Dorian's sentence. "Like I said, Tevinter is not the perfect recipe for how people should act. You and father have discussed that many times, have you not? The politics, the traditions?"

"I-," Dorian started before slowly nodding. "Yes, we... We have."

They hadn't gone deeply into it, but Alexius had been very neutral when speaking of Tevinter. While other tutors he had had, had spoken of his homelands with pride and joy, Alexius had treated the subject of Tevinter with the same critical eye and open discussion as he did any other country or culture. He pointed out things he felt were good and bad, and while he had not wanted to mould Dorian's opinions, he had offered different ways to see things.

It hadn't taken a mind like Dorian's to see the rot that lay underneath the layers of traditions once the eyes had been opened.

"Dorian," Felix said slowly, shifting his legs onto Dorian's bed so he could get more comfortable.

"I do not know exactly what it is that is going through your mind right now. I cannot pretend I understand how much you hurt. But I know you, you are as dear to me as a brother, and I can tell you are hurting. I can tell you doubt yourself and I am telling you now that you have no reason to doubt yourself. I cannot speak for the rest of Tevinter, but I can tell you that I couldn't give a nug's arse about the gender of the person you bring to your bed as long as that person treats you with dignity and respect."

He smiled and reached out to take Dorian's hand, squeezing it. "You will always have a friend and a confidant in me, Dorian. Whatever you need, I am here for you. As is my father, I know it. You are not alone."

"I... Thank you," Dorian said slowly and as his lips tugged into a smile, it was a real one instead of the fakes he had forced up over the last few weeks.

"No need to thank me for being a friend," Felix chuckled, squeezing the hand again before slowly easing off the bed.

"Wait," Dorian said quickly, holding onto the hand as if it was a lifeline. "... Can you stay with me? Just for tonight?"

Felix looked surprised before chuckling and smiling. "Like when we were younger? Certainly. Though you better not snore."

"I don't snore!"

"Oh, you do, you should have heard yourself when younger," Felix grinned, and then laughed as Dorian swatted him hard with a pillow.

"Let me get ready for bed and I will come back, okay? Knowing you, you will hug the blankets and pillows too."

"I do not," Dorian protested again, but he still smiled as he watched Felix leave his bedroom, letting the door remain ajar for when he returned. While waiting, he got himself ready for bed as well, stripping out of his simple robes, tunic and pants and into something more comfortable.

He had shared a bed with Felix on many occasions when younger, the two of them remaining up for hours just talking and laughing. It would be nice, doing that again.

True to his words, not that Dorian had expected anything less, Felix returned as soon as he was ready for bed, dressed in a long tunic and carrying his own pillows and blanket.

"Go on now, make room for me," he said and Dorian was quick to make room in his bed for his friend.

When there was room, Felix tossed his pillows and blanket onto the bed before making himself comfortable in it, waiting for Dorian to put out the lights before joining him.

"Thank you," Dorian said again, giving Felix a small smile as he tugged the blanket over his body, shifting so he was lying on his side, facing his friend.

"Don't mention it," Felix murmured, turning his head to glance at Dorian, his smile warm.

They remained like that for a little while, just resting in comfortable silence together.

Felix was the first to fall asleep and Dorian couldn't help but just listening quietly to his friend sleeping, matching his breath so they were breathing together. It helped soothe him, making him feel a bit more relaxed.

He was grateful, truly, to have Felix in his life and as he laid there, thinking, he couldn't help but feel sad that Felix was not near him anymore.

Orlais was so far away so it wasn't like he could just travel down there for a quick visit.

Still, despite the distance, Felix made sure that he was not forgotten thanks to the many letters he sent to Dorian, telling him about the things he had learned and seen.

That was just how Felix was; always kind, considerate. So unlike any other Tevinter Dorian knew and Dorian could only hope that Felix's kindness would rub off on him.

Smiling some, Dorian finally closed his eyes and yawned, letting the exhaustion of the day wash over him. All the emotions that had just flooded over him had left him with a feeling of true exhaustion, as if he had spent the entire day training with the staff or his magic.

He felt better though, he truly did. Instead of the gnawing emptiness inside him mixed with the feeling of shame and fault, he felt cared for. Safe. Warm and accepted.

As he fell asleep, he figured that that was more than enough for now.