After he passed his tests and officially got to sign his name in the Circle of Minrathous' book, Dorian felt a strange sense of pride, joy and even pleasure, a pleasure that would vanish almost as quickly as it came.
His return home had been a grand, joyous one and he was almost surprised that his mother mentioned his long hair just once as she embraced him, but he still felt a slight sting was when she mentioned "how much better you look without that silly ring in your nose. It made you look like a savage".
Still, he felt glad to be home again and he felt proud as his father spoke about him to his mother with pride in his voice instead of shame.
It made the slight discomfort worth it.
The servants seemed just as happy to see him, and when Dorian's parents weren't looking, he allowed the female servants to fuzz over him, pinching his cheeks and gushing over "how big he had become".
It was like having a dozen grandmothers and it was a different kind of attention than the glorification he received by his parents. It was simpler, more natural, and felt just as good.
However, he had only been allowed a mere two days of relaxation, making himself familiar once again with his old, childhood home and room before the house was buzzing with preparations.
A grand party that was to be held in his honour, naturally. He was the lost son who had finally returned home to his family, honour restored and with a bright future ahead of him.
The evening of the party was a slightly cold one, with Tevinter still being in its winter-months, but the inside of the grand Pavus mansion was warm, with several mage-fires lit for warmth and comfort.
Dorian found, as he watched his father greet and speak to their guests, presenting Dorian to faces he could only barely remember from when he was a child, that he wanted to make his parents proud of him.
He wanted to make their relationship work, to actually be a good son.
Halward sounded so proud, so certain as he spoke to his fellow Magisters, bragging Dorian up into the heavens of what a bright future his son had. It made Dorian feel the all too familiar weight of expectations, but this time it was different. He was older now, smarter, wiser. He had trained, studied and he knew what everything meant. He could shoulder the load this time.
"Well, all in due time, of course. You are hardly done yet, father, and I have my own studies to tend to first," he had said when one of their guests, a Magister Dorian recognized as one of the oldest ones within the Magisterium, had inquired about his future.
A well-received answer as Halward had smiled and nodded, placing his hand on Dorian's shoulder and squeezed it affectionately.
"Of course, Dorian. You are young and your studies should come first. For now."
It was that "for now" part that had Dorian somewhat more worried, but he would deal with that later.
For now, he felt the pride and joy that came with watching his mother and father happy, and that in turn made him happy, despite the conflicting feelings he felt inside.
Of course, things became awkward when, as he should have expected, Livia arrived to the party. After all, it was only natural that she was invited there and that she would be seated next to him by the table as his "betrothed".
Dorian hadn't seen her for at least four years and she had changed as much as he had.
He remembered her as a sweet, doll-like girl, with bronze skin, petite hands and long, black hair. Now the girl was gone, replaced with a woman with well-shaped breasts, an hourglass figure thanks to the tight, black corset around her waist, her hair longer and tied up into an elegant bun with strands of curled hair hanging freely from around it and prettily dolled up face. She was beautiful, wearing a midnight-blue dress with what Dorian suspected were enchanted gemstones at the cleavage, sleeves of her arms and the skirt itself, the dress itself cut in a very typical Tevinter style of bare shoulders and slim sleeves. Even Dorian could see that she was a sight, but he saw it in the same way he saw a beautiful horse. He could see their finer qualities, yes, but that didn't mean he wanted to fuck neither.
He could also appreciate the sharp mind she had developed along with a rather quick tongue. It almost made him wish she had been born a different gender or that he could appreciate women, but only almost.
Because of this, Dorian had tried to talk to her, he really had.
While he hardly wanted to marry her, he was still willing, wanting to make his father happy.
Livia, however, didn't seem as impressed with his grand return as the other guests seemed to be.
In fact, she seemed to look straight through him.
She remained civil, just like Dorian was and he could tell that she, too, was trying, but it soon became evident that they were a poor match.
Despite their similarities, he was quick to find out that they had absolutely nothing in common. She had no taste for fine literature or history, and while knowledgeable, she didn't wish to expand her intellect for it. She was far more interested in politics and the ways of the social court, something that Dorian in turn found extremely boring. She knew chess, but had very little interest in playing and while Dorian appreciated music, he found the harp a rather dull instrument. The lute was much more fun, he thought.
Things only became more and more awkward between them, but they smiled politely and tried not to insult each other too much with cleverly hidden barbs and comments because, in truth, that was the only thing they had in common.
They were both clearly very uninterested in one another and despite her hand resting on his arm, as his mother had so gently demanded he had to do, they sat as far away from one another as they could get away with.
After dinner it was expected of him to spend more time with her as they mingled, smiling politely at the guests as they inquired about Dorian's future plans with in the Circle as well as asking when the wedding was being held or if they had plan for children soon.
It was that part that almost sent Dorian into a panic as he realised the implications of that particular questions. It wasn't as much an implication as it was a reality that was hanging dangerously over both their heads and it involved him, Livia and his bits inside her. It was enough to make him feel nauseas and if he hadn't already been entertaining the thought that men were his preferred gender then he certainly was now.
If it was intentionally or not, Livia became his saving grace, smiling politely as she waved him off. "Not for some time still," she had laughed, her voice light and warm.
"Dorian must finish his studies first so he can provide for a family, no? He needs to become a man with a proper position, something I know he will get with ease. After all, we cannot depend on our parents for everything."
Dorian had only given a slightly awkward smile and a nod, but the statement had sent his mind spinning.
As soon as he could get away with it, Dorian headed away from the party, stepping outside onto the grand balcony for some fresh air.
He pressed his hands against his face, rubbing hard as he tried to prevent over four years of hard work from coming undone as reality was not only staring him in the face, but smacking him rather hard across it too.
Only two days had passed since he came home and he was already considering different ways of fleeing from this place…
"Just take a deep breath," he whispered to himself, obeying his own commands.
"This is just for one evening. The guests will leave before long and then you can focus completely on your studies and… And you can take it from there."
"Planning on running away again so soon, Dorian? And here we have only just begun our courtship."
Dorian whirled around as Livia spoke up behind him, watching as she smiled at him, closing the door behind her before coming closer, the dress sparkling as she moved.
"But I suppose that is what I should expect, is it not? You running away from me. From everything."
"Now that is a bit uncalled for," Dorian replied, raising an eyebrow as Livia passed him, placing her hands on the balcony-railing as she stood next to him.
"And thinking a bit highly of yourself, thinking that I have a need to run away from you."
"Is it," she asked as she gazed into the night, eyes cast up onto the sky above them, ignoring Dorian's second statement.
"Did you not run away from the Order then? Straight into the arms of male whores?"
Dorian felt his throat tighten from the comment. He wanted to deny it, but it was true. He had heard the rumours spread like wild-fire and while he knew Alexius had done what he could to dampen the rumours, Dorian had flirted with enough half-important Magisters during the time for it to have gotten out, one way or the other.
"You don't have to say anything," Livia said instead, denying Dorian any chance to say anything about it.
"Your father worked hard to drown the rumours, but you hear things either way. Either way, I do not care."
"How generous of you," Dorian drawled as he crossed his arms over his chest, frowning a little.
"So why bring it up?"
"Because I want to know where you stand," Livia said as she finally turned around, her piercing eyes staring straight into Dorian's, unwavering. Her face was cold, detached, almost unreadable.
"And I want to know if you stand with me, or against me."
"Are we going to war?"
"We are going to be married, but I suspect it will be the same thing. Blood will probably be shed either way," Livia replied to Dorian's quip, unimpressed by his comment.
"I know you don't like me, Dorian. I don't like you either. In fact, I am trying to decide if I think you are an asshole or just pathetic."
"Harsh words," Dorian remarked as he walked closer to Livia, keeping his own gaze at her.
"And your observations are based on...?"
"Your actions. Your attitude. You are playing by the game already, which should be a good thing, but I don't know if you do it because you are good at it, like it or because you are afraid."
Livia tilted her head slightly, just looking at Dorian with a scrutinizing gaze.
"You hold yourself as the noble you are, but at the same time, I can tell that everything that is said in there goes straight in one ear and out the other. You haven't been part of a proper social court in years and while I know that you have been trained and educated, nobody has seen your face in a long time."
"There is a little thing called education," Dorian replied with a raised eyebrow. "You have mentioned it so I suspect you know what it is. And, as student of a great Magister, I was rather preoccupied, focusing on mentioned education. My mind deserved better than the mindless dribble of nobles who had had one too many glasses of wine."
Dorian paused and lifted his hand to study his nails, pretending to find them highly interesting as he waited for a response. When he didn't get one, he continued.
"Besides, it's enough that I smile, nod and agree with whatever they say. I would hardly get anything of substance out of the lot of them if I tried striking up a proper conversation with them in this setting. When they are not fawning over me, my career or our upcoming marriage, all I can hear from them is "look at me, I am so awesome" or "did you hear that Magister whatever did yesterday? How appalling, shocking and scandalous", et cetera."
"And that is where you fail," Livia replied somewhat harshly.
"You have already brought scandal to your family once, I do not want to suffer the same humiliation as your mother and father did."
The words had a surprising sting to them and Dorian had to swallow hard to get rid of the sudden taste of bile that appeared in his throat.
"So you are to let the actions of an under-stimulated boy be the judge of the future?" he said instead, keeping his voice steady.
"Yes, I was not the best son when younger, but I am here, no? I passed my tests, with rather high praises and recommendations from both Magister Alexius and the First Enchanter of the Circle in Minrathous. Surely that should speak for itself, no?"
"As long as you keep to it," Livia replied while poking hard at Dorian's arm.
"Because if we are to do this, then I expect for you to do your part, Dorian Pavus. I don't know how you are now, nor do I know your thoughts, but I can tell that you want this as little as I do. Which could be a plus for both of us, as long as we just do our duty."
"You know, in other countries, marriage is viewed as a joyous occasion between two people who actually -do- want to marry," Dorian replied with a slight smirk.
"And not a duty that they are forced to partake in. Well… Unless you are a King or Queen, I suppose, but even they seem to have even a sliver of a choice in the matter."
"Please, now you have the mind-set of a child. A marriage, this marriage, is nothing more than an agreement, an arrangement to ensure our future," Livia replied with a wave of her hand.
"We do not have to "like" each other for us to do our duty. If you want to have some courtesan on the side, that is absolutely fine with me as long as you don't impregnate her. Though if the rumours are anything to go by, you would do just as well with a man so we don't have that risk."
Now that did stun Dorian, having not expected Livia to be so direct about it, so… impersonal and "matter-of-fact", like they were talking business.
He supposed he was naive about it, despite everything he knew about Tevinter traditions. It shouldn't have come as a surprise, but for Livia to not even try and pretend...?
Had his own mother and father been as detached from it as well? Treating it as a business deal to ensure their own future, throwing away a part of themselves in order to make it work?
"Just do your duty," Livia repeated, as if she was talking to a disobedient child.
"And we will not have any trouble. We can talk arrangements later, when the time draws nearer."
"Livia-," Dorian started, his own voice hard before his head snapped to the side at the sound of the door opening.
He swallowed as he saw Halward come outside, looking around before smiling as his eyes landed on the two of them.
"Ah, there you are," Halward said, closing the door behind him before approached them, hands gesturing towards them.
"I will admit, Dorian, I was a little worried when I saw that you were gone, but I can now see that you two merely wanted to have a moment to get familiar with one another again. That is very good. It has been some time after all."
The cold, almost detached look on Livia's face was gone, replaced by a warm smile and almost cheerful demeanour. It was almost scary how quickly she was able to switch between what seemed to be two personalities and Dorian couldn't help but wonder if this is what he would have been if he had been forced to remain home instead of being with Alexius.
"Magister Pavus, I do beg your pardon for stealing your son away, but it is as you say. It has been four years since I have heard anything about him, even longer since we last saw one another so I had to see what kind of man he had become after so long."
"Well, I do hope you like what you now see," Halward chuckled, placing a hand on both their shoulders, giving them a squeeze.
"You have both grown up to become rather lovely, in different ways. A handsome son, a beautiful daughter-to-be. It truly warms my heart that you have sought one another out like this."
"Oh, I can hardly complain about his looks," Livia chuckled, looking up at Dorian who could only stare back at her.
"He has grown up to be rather handsome. I am almost jealous; I might have competition from other women wanting to win his heart. I would not be surprised if he would turn the heads of men and women alike."
She grabbed his arm with both hers, giving it a squeeze as she gave Dorian a small grin.
Dorian raised an eyebrow before letting his own lips tug into a grin of his own. He could tell what she was after and he would not let her have that pleasure. He wasn't as good as her when it came to switching masks, but he knew a thing or two about teasing.
"And you are as lovely yourself, my dear," he said, his own voice silken. "But you are right, of course. I will get all the looks, as long as you are adorned on my arm."
Both Halward and Livia chuckled, but Livia's eyes flashed with brief anger from Dorian's hidden insult, her hand squeezing his arm in warning that she had indeed caught on the double-meaning of his words.
"You flatter, Dorian," she said instead before giving Halward a pleasant smile.
"But you will have to excuse me. It would not do if people started gossiping about me and Dorian stealing off together before we are married."
Dorian actually had to resist the urge to gag as the mere thought made him feel nauseas. Instead he just swallowed and gave Livia a strained smile.
"Indeed. What would people think," he replied as Livia squeezed his arm hard, her nails digging into his biceps through his robes for a second before she let go.
"I will see you later, Dorian," Livia murmured as a final goodbye, giving them both a small wave before she vanished back inside, leaving Dorian alone with his father.
For a moment, Dorian almost wanted her to come back so he wouldn't have to be alone with the man.
"She has grown into quite the lovely woman, wouldn't you say?"
Dorian raised an eyebrow at his father's comment, slowly turning his head before he offered him a small, weak smile. "She has," he agreed, but squashed the urge add "too bad she is not as lovely on the inside" to his answer.
"As expected, of course. Both her mother and father make a very lovely couple, her mother easily as striking as your own mother," Halward mused.
"I would have expected nothing less when it came to Livia herself."
Dorian merely let out a hum of acknowledgement, not really sure what to say about it. Listening to his father, describing his betrothed as if she was a prised horse… It was odd and it made him feel funny.
They had not even been born when the engagement had been arranged, it had been an arrangement between the families should they happen to get a child each of suitable gender. Had they just hoped that they would come out fine or had they been confident that both Dorian and Livia would come out just about perfect Dorian wondered, crossing his arms over his chest as he thought about it.
"I am so proud of you, Dorian. I want you to know that."
Halward's words snapped Dorian out of his thoughts as quickly as a bucket of ice water over his head and when he looked at his father, he found him smiling, eyes shining with pride as he watched his son.
"I… Thank you, father," he said in a low voice after a few seconds of hesitation, unable to hold his father's eyes. "It means a lot to me to hear you say that."
"I understand now that what I and your mother did… The result of it, it was partly our fault. We put too much weight on you too fast, but we did it with the best if intensions," Halward continued.
"We only wanted to ensure your future, to make sure it was good. The best we could give you. It was too much for a young child and we forgot that. What you were just a child, but I know that now. And for that I apologize."
Dorian didn't answer, merely listened to his father has he spoke, nodding his head from time to time to show that he was listening.
It was comforting, to hear his father say it, but at the same time, it felt hollow. Like it was too little, too late and there was something in the way Halward said it that didn't make sense to him.
"But I can see now, Dorian, that you are a grown man now. You have matured. We now know that you are ready to continue on your path towards greatness. Because you can be whatever you want, Dorian. A Magister, even Archon. You are gifted, talented. You have the makings of greatness, my son."
Dorian swallowed hard as he turned his head to look at his father. "Father, I…" he started, but the look of pride on Halward's face, the warm smile and fond look…
"Yes, Dorian?"
Dorian hesitated. He didn't want to lose that, not again. He didn't want to see that disappointed look on his father's face, not again. Not ever again. Even now, over ten years since the first accident with the first Circle he had attended, he could remember his father's words.
'You have disappointed us, Dorian. We believed that you were better than that.'
So instead Dorian smiled, an empty, hollow smile, but a smile none the less. "… Of course, Father."
Because he wanted to do anything to make him happy.
Anything still.