It did not take long for Dorian to find his place within the Circle of Minrathous, finding that he was not only enjoying life at the Circle, but looking forward to the different lessons and some of the social events.
As a Harrowed mage with the title of Enchanter, Dorian had been allowed to select what he wished to study closer along with the obligatory lessons of the circle, which was fine with him.
Magic was, naturally, an important part of the studies, and it was natural for the students to select a branch of magic to further expand on. Dorian was quick to see that the other students were torn pretty much down the middle when it came to it. Many chose to further enhance and develop the more common magic's, the most popular ones being fire because of the destructive nature of the magic. Others started specialising in other, more obscure magic's and it was fascinating to read about the many choices there was.
Dorian himself had still not decided what he wanted to do yet and was content to further enhance the magic he already had, looking to perfect it and further made use of it, always expanding and reaching towards and even beyond its natural state thanks to creative thinking and clever use of manipulation of the fade.
That is what Dorian truly found fascinating about his own magic and abilities; to see exactly what he could and couldn't do.
Because of this, he quickly gained a good reputation with his tutors for his many successful experimentations with magic, which in turn made Dorian swell with satisfaction and pride.
Along with his studies, Dorian was able to, for the first time in his life, enjoy a place that was his and his alone.
Because of his status, both in society and within the Circle itself, proper accommodations were prepared for him to stay in.
It was no mansion, just a private condominium the Circle's student-area, but it was more than enough for him. He had a grand bedroom with a very soft bed and a large dresser along with a proper and private marble-tub, decorated with gold-leafs and carved out runes for easy heating of the water. He also had a basin, a vanity and chair along with a large mirror so he could tend to his appearance, all which were appreciated.
In addition to all his grooming needs, Dorian also had his own small, private privy, which was separated from the rest of his room with a solid wooden door, placed in a room of its own. While Dorian was no stranger to the good old chamber pot, having a proper place to do his "business" was a luxury in itself, especially since he didn't need to worry about servants coming in to empty the damn thing before it started smelling way too bad. He could only imagine what an entire hallway of chamber pots would end up smelling like, especially since the students did not have servants or slaves of their own, unless they had a specific need that had to be tended to. The slaves and servants in the circle merely dropped by now and then to clean their rooms and change their beddings upon notice. Other than that, the students' condominiums were their own responsibilities.
The second main room was just as large as his bedroom, and it functioned more as a study-room than anything else, which Dorian liked. It had a large desk made out of dark wood, elegantly carved and decorated in a very typical Tevinter design. He had several bookcases with books, grand windows that had view of the Circle's gardens and the harbour in the distance, and by the window was a soft-looking chair and table where he could sit and read.
In addition to the furniture that was there, Dorian was allowed to decorate the place as he wanted, which he almost immediately started doing. Nothing much as he rather liked the place as it was, but he did add new curtains to the windows, drapes between the door-opening separating the two rooms and some new, plush carpets on the floors.
He was able to do thinks thanks to also being granted a stipend from the Circle itself to help in his research; it wasn't much, but Dorian found he didn't need much more. The Circle already fed him and provided him with acceptable clothing and whatever else he needed, the stipend was able to pay for.
Of course, he still felt the pressure on his shoulders in relation to his family and, most importantly, his betrothed, but for now he was free to pursuit his own interests.
Dorian had to admit, if someone had asked him four years ago that he would be happy to sit and study as well as partake in the political discussions at the circle, he would have laughed and called them mad.
Instead, he had come to grow into his role and while he still had little to no interest to actually become a Magister, let alone Archon, he did enjoy partaking in events and in the debates. It was fun, going head to toe in a battle of wits, a battle that, to Dorian's enjoyment, he won more often than not.
As he settled more into the Circle, he started splitting his time between his work there and visiting Alexius back in his mansion. He still considered the place a second home, and Alexuis and Livia always wished him welcome with open arms. He would spend a couple of days there, talking with his mentor, airing ideas and theories as well as aiding Alexius with his own research.
The man continued to show his brilliance in many ways, showing an amazing progress in his research of the limits of magical laws. In fact, Alexius had set his sights on researching how to travel through and control both time and physical space. It was ambitious, but Dorian took so much grand inspiration from his work and mind that it helped in his own work.
"Just imagine it, Dorian," Alexius had told him one evening as they had enjoyed a glass with brandy each, seated in a comfy chair by the fireplace.
"If one can actually use magic to bend or even travel through time, imagine what it can do for people? Imagine spirit-magic being able to properly mend and heal wounds, even sickness? Magic that can restore buildings to their old grandeur?"
"Inspiring, but also dangerous, should it fall into the wrong hands," Dorian had warned. "With the way some of the students at the circle are talking, I can only imagine what they would do if they had access to such power."
"There will always be those who will abuse it," Alexius had mused, taking a drink from his brandy.
"Just look at the world as it is. Every time something new is invented, someone will take it and abuse it. The first man to make a sword probably though "now this will make it easier for me to defend my families from wolfs or bears", but then some genius thought that "this makes it really easy to kill that man and steal his belongings". When fire was first discovered in magic, it might have already have existed as a mean to make men feel warm until someone discovered how much destruction it can cause. Sadly, there will always be men that only want to watch the world burn. Often literally. Sadly, one can only be responsible for one's own actions. If one stops creating, progress will stop and we will never grow further."
"So, what are saying, one should be allowed to create whatever one desire, as long as one's heart is in the right place?" Dorian had asked, raising an eyebrow.
"In a matter of speaking. Progress should be made for the advantages of everyone, not just a handful of chosen ones. In the end, we will all be caught up to our own sins and on the day we die, we will get our just reward."
Dorian had taken those words to heart and as he kept working on his own projects as well as aiding Alexius with his, he would try to remind himself of that.
It would take a few more years before he would truly understand the meaning behind the words though.
As time passed, Dorian was part of the bigger social crowds within the circle and while he didn't have many he considered friends, he had a few handful of people that he enjoyed spending time with, being studying, a game of chess or cards or just to go out and drink with.
He would also find out that he had not learned his lesson when it happened the first time.
Playing the part of a diligent student and well-heeled son, Dorian threw himself into his studies, trying his best to continue his streak of making his parents proud.
For the first few months, everything was fine; he was doing good work, he was a perfect social butterfly and he acted the part meant for someone of his social status.
While he had always found it easy to be both witty and charming, he learned to use it better, both as a mask to hide his frustrations and to talk people completely around.
He also severely underestimated just how shrewd and cruel his own classmates could be.
Dorian didn't think himself as easy, but when an older student came to him, complimenting him for his brilliancy and, in a more discreet fashion, his looks, Dorian found himself charmed.
The student himself was rather handsome as well, with bright blue eyes, his tanned complexion complimented by light-brown hair and a smile that could disarm anyone. The student, who's name Dorian found out to be Thadeous, was a skilled student and talented with ice-magic, something Dorian would find out first-hand.
He hadn't just fallen into Thadeous' bed of course; Dorian prided himself in being a little harder to get than that, but he also found it very hard to resist.
While he was more comfortable being the way he was, most of it thanks to Felix' constant encouragement, it was still hard to do something about it. Yes, he was attracted to men, but he was still a man, he was still human and he had needs. He still craved contact, he craved attention and he craved the feeling of a body against his own. There was only so much he could do with his own hands in order to get what he needed.
He knew that what he wanted, he couldn't have, but maybe, just maybe… Maybe if he could find someone who felt as he did, they could have something, even if they had to hide it.
Thadeous was not that someone.
It took the man almost a month, with Dorian being reluctant to do much outside of hidden kisses and brief kisses, covered and hidden by closed door and private corners, but eventually Dorian gave in to his own desires.
The night was long, filled with heated kisses, eager touches as well as a demonstration of mentioned ice-magic, and when Dorian came, he swore he saw stars.
However, when morning came, Thadeous was gone and Dorian knew that he had messed up. He knew, and had possibly always known, that Thadeous was just after a release and now that he had gotten it, Dorian would be surprised if he would ever see him again.
What infuriated him though was when he found out that Thadeous had stolen a couple of his own theories, but it was easy to claim ownership over that once he faced him again. Thadeous might have stolen the theories, but he had no idea about the thoughts that went behind it.
When he saw Thadeous told off for his theft, Dorian couldn't help but feel a small spark of joy in seeing the older man squirm, knowing that he had just earned a severe blow to his reputation.
The best part was that he had nothing on Dorian because if Thadeous outed him, Dorian could out him in the same breath. And since Thadeous had already been caught in one lie, Dorian was more likely to be believed.
Still, it was a second evening that would mark the change in Dorian's mind-set, a change that would slowly take over his mind and his heart.
In fact, one drunken night was all it took for Dorian to truly understand just how much was bubbling under the surface of Tevinter society.
He wasn't sure who had slipped it out first, himself or the young man he was speaking to, but the light, slurred conversation by the bar as soon turned into lewder comments, heated look and touches disguised as friendly pats on the back. The man was handsome, charming and when they had returned to Dorian's quarters, he had learned that he was also wonderfully rough, large and very thorough, but only when it came to himself. In the moment, Dorian hadn't care because he found the wonderful sweet release in a nice orgasm as well as getting to enjoy the feeling of a nice, warm body against his own.
Once morning came and Dorian had taken a moment to sober up, soaking in a nice, warm bath, he realised that this was it.
This was all he would ever get.
His first relationship, if it could even be called that, had been nothing but a lie. A release, a few nights of hidden pleasure, only to be dumped as soon as he was no longer convenient.
His second was no more than an illusion that had lasted far longer than was needed and that dissolved as soon as they had done the deed.
And the third… The third had been a distraction. Nothing more would come of it.
It was the third in what would be many harsher lessons, but Dorian was nothing if not an eager student.
He would learn how to better get what he wanted, how he wanted it without risking being caught or hurt.
Tevinter, for all its sophistication was a dog-eat-dog country. Everyone was only after helping themselves and while you could work with them in good camaraderie, you always had to watch out for a dagger in the back. There were good people out there and Dorian tried to be one of them, but it was hard finding them amongst all the shit. They had to hide or they would be eaten alive.
In a way, that realisation was more painful than the realisation that he could never have a normal relationship.
Either way, it spelled out that he would live a life that was guarded, hidden, secret, always watching over his back for people who could possibly cause him harm, one way or the other.
He voiced some of his thoughts to Alexius the next time he saw him, some weeks later, who merely chuckled and smiled.
"Dorian, you are sometimes too smart for your own good," he had said fondly, patting Dorian on the back as they walked to Alexius' study.
"You are already realising the things that most people spend their entire lives figuring out. Young men and women know that they have to look out for themselves first from a young age, but they never learn the true value of true friends. They are unable to trust and they are fine with it."
"It makes me wonder just how in the Maker's name we have managed to survive as a nation for so long," Dorian had grumbled, shaking his head some as he watched Alexius pour them both a drink.
"When it feels like we are on the brink of killing one another."
"Because it is all the more fun to set people up against one another rather than doing our own dirty-work," Alexius had said, offering Dorian one of the crystal-glasses, smirking ever so slightly.
"How do you do it," Dorian asked, inhaling deeply through his nose as he took a sip from his brandy. "How do you go there, surrounded by these-" he started, snapping his fingers a couple of times as he started pacing, summoning small short-lived sparks before continuing. "Vipers. That place is a nest of vipers."
Alexius chuckled softly, smiling as he watched Dorian slowly pace through his study. "Dorian, Dorian… You are young, you have ambitions and you are right to have them. You are talented, good, you can go far."
"You are not answering my question," Dorian said while raising an eyebrow, stopping his pacing for a moment so he could look at Alexius.
"Because I do not have an answer for you. My strength comes from my family, from my believes. I want to lay a foundation that men and women like you can use to grow a new, better Tevinter. That is how I face those who wish to see me and my work burn. That is how any Magister or noble manages to face the day."
He walked over to Dorian, grasping his shoulder with his free hand before squeezing it gently.
"You got to find your own strengths, Dorian. Your own dreams, your own believes."
Dorian chuckled softly, shaking his head some. "You make it sound so easy, Master," he murmured.
"You are young," Alexius repeated. "And while it is good that you are thinking ahead, you have time to settle, to find who you are as well as your voice."
"Are you implying that I have not yet found myself, Master," Dorian mused, smirking a little at Alexius, but he knew he was right.
While he was older, more confident, more secure and comfortable in his role, he still didn't know who he was, only who he was supposed to be. He was no closer in finding his answer than he was four years ago, when Alexius found him drunk in the brothel.
"I am implying that you have time to find out," Alexius said while holding his drink up in a silent toast. "And that, Dorian, is the most important thing I can ever teach you."
"Pardon?"
Alexius smiled as he released Dorian's shoulder, nodding his head a little towards a grand painting that was hanging over his fireplace, showing off a younger-looking Gereon and Livia. "Look at that painting, Dorian. Tell me what you see."
"I see a man who's a lot more handsome than you," Dorian said with a cheeky little grin, earning a hearty laugh.
"Well, I cannot deny that. But there's more than that."
"Do share."
"Right there," Alexius continued as he nipped at his drink, looking up at the painting. "-is two of very few people whose opinion matter to me. Me and Livia. And that is what you must remember. You can spend your entire life trying to make others proud, to gain their approval, but there will always, always be someone who is not. There will always be someone who will always disapprove, who will be disappointed."
He turned to look at Dorian, nodding his head towards him. "Instead you should focus first and foremost on one person, Dorian. And that is you. You should make yourself proud, you should approve of your actions. You need to look at what you are doing, thinking, acting, and say 'Yes. I can stand by this and I am proud of it. I believe in this.' Because that is all that matters. Because if you hate and do not believe in what you are doing, then what does it matter if others do or don't?"
"Because the allure of another person's approval is always a nice feeling," Dorian suggested with a small smirk, but it still stirred something inside of him. A small, painful throb deep inside him because he knew it was true.
"Then you just have to make sure that the person whose approval you are seeking is worthy of it," Alexius merely said.
"And before you say anything, I know that that is not easy. But it will be worth the search. Believe you me. When you find that person who will be completely honest with you, support you in your dream and give you a proper hit over the head when you are stupid… That is worth everything."
Dorian smiled some before looking up at the painting of Livia and Gereon, taking in their faces, their position. He compared it to the memories he had while he lived in their household as well as the memories of his own parents.
"Well… Good thing I am young then," he finally said instead, looking at Alexius with a smirk, but on the inside, he was hurting.
Because while he had people whose opinion mattered to him… He could never have what Alexius had with his wife.
And the mere thought of that hurt more than anything.