Summary: It's just hormones...
CHAPTER SIX: Changing Tides
"This one looks close," said Rey, sliding her fingers down the silky length of a tie.
Rose turned from the one she was looking at and considered it. She held up the swath of color from her Maid of Honor dress. The sample fabric was a bit more sun-bright, the tie a bit too golden.
"Hm," she said with dissatisfaction.
Rey had never realized how very many shades of yellow there could be. The two of them stood before a huge wall of yellow ties, ranging from something that reminded her of dark, sickly bile at the bottom all the way to the palest, creamiest suggestion of color at the top. They bled to orange on one side, and green on the other. The whole store was covered in ties, wall to wall, arrayed in full spectrum. It was like being inside a rainbow, or the color picker on Photoshop. At first she thought it was magical, but after ten minutes of staring at one shade of yellow after another, other colors swimming in her peripherals, Rey was starting to feel a little dizzy.
Rose held up her swath to another tie. "I wish Paige would have just let him be a groomsman," she grumbled. "Then I could have ordered him one of the papaya colored ties the rest of them are going to wear."
"Isn't it the grooms choice, though?" Rey mused. "Isn't that the whole point of a groom's man?"
"Finch has known Armie for as long as he's known me! We've been dating longer than they have. As far as he's concerned, Armie is as much family as I am. He should have asked him."
"You sound bitter."
"I'm not bitter, I just don't like that my boyfriend got snubbed," Rose sniffed.
"Yeah, definitely bitter." Rey skated her hand through a whole row of ties, watching them sway. "Maybe if he were more than just your boyfriend, Finch would have actually seen him as family. You've been dating for ages. Literally years. When are you going to do something about it?"
Rose laughed incredulously. "Look at the pot calling the kettle black."
"And how am I the pot in this scenario?"
Rose reached out to barely nudge aside the collar of Rey's fitted tee, exposing the skin over her clavicle. "This hickey right here, that's what I mean."
Rey blushed and knocked her hand away, shifting her shirt back into place, covering the fading mark that really, all things considered, looked a whole lot better than it did a few days ago. "That is not the same situation at all."
Rose smirked. "When are you going to stop being so delusional?"
"I believe we were talking about you and Hux." Rey snatched the fabric out of Rose's hand and started comparing tie colors more quickly now. This process was taking way too long, and fatigue was starting to set in. "Is he ever going to marry you?"
"We've talked about it," Rose said, shrugging. "But we're comfortable. I don't feel like we need a piece of paper to define our love."
Rey rolled her eyes at that one. "You're just gonna wait until all the attention is off Paige again before you make your move."
"Maybe." Rose poked her in the ribs, right in a ticklish spot that made Rey spasm. "You're avoiding my question."
Rey poked her right back. "You're avoiding mine!"
"Fine, we won't talk about boys," Rose laughed. "And I definitely won't mention that I know it wasn't Thomas who gave you that hickey, because he told us you haven't answered his calls since your date."
"Okay then. Don't mention it."
"And then I won't infer the obvious, which is that if it wasn't Thomas, it means it was your favorite cuddle buddy. But really that's not fair because you know how much I love that particular topic."
"Rose," said Rey.
"So you know what? I changed my mind. We are going to talk about it, because you're so cagey all the time and I need answers, woman."
"Rose," Rey tried again.
But again, her friend bowled right over her. "Because if there's anyone who has an older relationship than Armie and me, it's you and Ben. So I'm just gonna cut the pretenses and ask you straight up, when are you going to admit your feelings for him?"
Rey yanked the tie off the wall and held it up in front of Rose's face. "Rose! I found it!"
Rose blinked, focus shifting to the object before her. Rey held up the sample fabric against it, and it disappeared completely into the brilliant yellow of the tie. An exact, perfect match.
"Thank God," Rose breathed, taking both from her and heading straight for the register. "We can finally get out of here."
And maybe drop the subject too, Rey thought but did not add. She elected not to follow Rose to the register, waiting for her by the door of the rainbow tie shop instead. There were canisters of shoe polish by the register. Rey had scented them earlier when she walked past, and she wasn't about to go stand there next to that awful petrol-like stink that made her toes curl inside her Chucks.
Rose paid for the tie and met her at the door. They walked out together into the bright spring sunshine flooding the outdoor mall. "Where to next?" she asked happily. "We've still got a few hours to kill before Poe's party tonight. We could go get our nails done, maybe?"
The very suggestion made Rey's nose burn with the scent of acetone, and as far as she knew they weren't anywhere near a salon. She shook her head. "Actually, I'm good on that front."
"Afraid the techs will judge you for biting your nails?" Rose laughed.
Rey was definitely guilty of that. Especially when she was stressed. The hours between finding out she was pregnant and telling Ben had provoked the abrupt end of a two-month streak. She shook her head. "They would, but I'd rather go to Sprouts. I saw they are having a sale on strawberries. I've been needing to make more jam, so it's good timing. Come with me."
Rose perked up at that. "If I help you, can I have a jar?"
"You can have a jar anyway," Rey said, grinning. They headed to Rey's car. "I was planning on making some for everyone."
"Ugh, why are you the best?" Rose complained.
Thankfully she didn't bring up the Ben thing again for a while. Rey needed a moratorium on discussing that subject for the foreseeable future, because she really couldn't think about Ben right now. Everything was changing, and it was changing fast. She could feel the tides turning inside her, going out, exposing wide swaths of emotional seabed which she once thought safely buried. It didn't help that he was being so very sweet. About everything. All the time. Even in the last few days since she'd stayed at his house, days where she'd try to stay away and give him space, he kept checking in, being great, making her thankful again and again that she got into this situation with him instead of anyone else. It was getting harder to tell herself that he was just her friend. Everything inside her was begging for her to run directly into the shelter of his seemingly limitless compassion.
It was just hormones, she kept telling herself. Really, really out of control hormones.
At Sprouts, Rey had to snatch at relief in a piece of peppermint gum. The grocery store overwhelmed her. It was a veritable olfactory parade, with whiffs of meat mingling with earthy vegetables, fresh and stale bread competing with fruit, people washed and unwashed with their various perfumes and lotions and body odors, and somewhere a section of the store that definitely sold essential oils. Her throat felt thick and gaggy and she focused on her gum, trying to decide if Rose would look at her like a lunatic if she grabbed a lemon to scratch and sniff while they walked around.
Yeah, she definitely would. No lemon.
It might have helped, though, because every day Rey was turning more and more into an actual bloodhound. Her sense of smell had skyrocketed to new heights. Each day further along it got stronger and stronger, and more directly tethered to her precariously pacified stomach.
Super smell. The world's most regrettable superpower.
Her skin crawled at the waft of someone's sweaty scalp, and knew it had been a while since they washed their hair. Someone else smelled like freshly sharpened pencils and rubber erasers. If she turned her head just right, she could still catch the faintest trace of Ben's apartment still clinging to her shirt, which she'd left in her bag since she'd spent the night at his house days ago. That was comforting, at least.
Every goddamn thing in the whole world had a scent now. Most were deeply unpleasant. And most made her head spin and her guts turn over unhappily. She could smell Rose too, a little bit of her oil paints and a little bit of that orange-scented lotion she liked. It wasn't an unpleasant combo, thankfully. And at least she had clean hair.
The strawberries, though, smelled wonderful. Rey grabbed a two-pound box and flicked it open, burying her nose into the fresh, cool aroma of them, a little sweet, and a little like dirt. Nothing unpleasant here.
Rose gave her a funny look.
Rey laughed. "What? You don't die for the smell of strawberries?"
"So we should probably talk about your love affair with food," said Rose.
Rey loaded up their little hand basket with as many as she could fit, and then carried another three boxes in her hands. "You're just jealous that you could never have what food and I have."
Rose giggled and hefted the newly laden basket.
Rey grabbed a few small boxes of fruit pectin as well and then made her way to checkout, with Rose trailing behind.
"These weird pioneer skills you have," Rose remarked as they finally escaped the odiferous store and got back to Rey's car. "The jam making and the fruit canning and the bread baking and pasta cutting and the butter churning— they're ridiculously domestic. You're like somebody's grandma who grew up in the fifties and was taught that homemaking would be her chief calling in life."
"I do not churn butter," Rey protested.
It was easier that than explain the reasons why she had acquired all these domestic skills. That she needed to feel in control and prepared. Her story of abandonment and abuse would definitely make Rose uncomfortable. Rey could deal with a little affectionate teasing. She couldn't deal with any of her friends pitying her.
"You make your own yogurt. And homemade vanilla," Rose observed, as if it were somehow just as ridiculous as churning butter.
"You love my vanilla."
"I do. I love everything you make. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, only that you're an adorably weird little granny."
They loaded the fruit into her backseat and started toward Rey's apartment. "I just like learning how to do things for myself."
"I think you missed your calling in life, not becoming a chef or something."
Rey almost refuted this speculation by pointing to Ben as the far, far superior cook, but she stopped herself. Because she was thinking about Ben an awful lot lately, and because opening that door would give Rose permission to start poking again. Instead, she just shrugged and said, "I think that's a different set of skills."
"Homesteading versus culinary craft. Hmm...maybe you're right." Rose thought about and then concluded, "You just like making things that are from the heart, I guess."
Rey let herself laugh a little at that, even though it tugged her mind back to the other thing she was making. The one Rose had no idea about. The one that was a whole lot more meaningful than yogurt, or jam, or bread.
She was tempted to tell her friend about it now. It welled up in her, words crowding to get past her teeth, but she bit them back. This, right now, before the party, was not the time to get into it. Rose had no chill. She wouldn't be able to keep this kind of information to herself tonight. She'd tell Hux for sure, and maybe Paige and Finn and Poe.
"Thomas isn't coming tonight, by the way," Rose said after a minute.
Rey blinked, snapping back into herself. "Oh. Why not?"
"I told Armie not to invite him. When he said you weren't answering his calls, I figured your date didn't go that well after all and you really weren't into it. No use keeping him around if it isn't going anywhere. And I thought it would be easier on you."
"Thanks," Rey said. Maybe she didn't have to tell Thomas at all. He'd just fade out of her life. A brief blip. She might have liked to know him better, but Ben was right, her situation had become awkward.
Rose used this opening to weasel her way back into the thing she really wanted to know. "So what was it? Why didn't you two get along?"
"We did fine. I liked him. It's not that." Rey sighed. "I'm just not looking to get into anything right now."
"What?" Rose said, aghast. "Why not? What happened to make you swear off men? Who hurt you?"
"Nobody! I'm not swearing off men. It's just not a good time."
"What does that even mean? That's what people say when they can't hang out because they're too busy with work. But I know you, and I know your work. What could you possibly have going on?"
A flash of irritation buzzed through Rey's veins and she struggled to tamp it down. "I'm just taking myself out of the dating scene for a while, okay? I need a break. I just…I've got… stuff. To figure out."
"Stuff about Ben?" Rose crooned, grinning suggestively, pointing to the hickey again.
Rey scowled. "Stop."
"Come on, please," Rose shifted in her seat, throwing her an urgent, eager glance. Rey might have super scent now, but Rose had another sense entirely, a sense for when there was some tiny shift in the dynamic between Rey and Ben. She'd caught it now, and wanted to unriddle it. Rey could see the hunger for it in her face. "Please, Rey, you can tell me. If you have feelings for him — and I know you do, I know you do — you can tell me! I won't say anything to him!"
"I don't."
"That can't be true. How can you sleep with a gorgeous guy who is obviously crazy about you for years and never develop any feelings?"
"I don't know what to tell you. It's true."
"You're such a liar—"
"Rose!" Rey snapped, heat in her cheeks, heat in her gut. "Drop it. Please."
"Okay, fine, jeez," Rose mumbled. "No need to get cranky."
Rey puffed her cheeks and released a slow, deliberate breath, trying really hard not to be unnecessarily annoyed. Her voice dropped to a soft plea. "Just…be my friend. Don't keep trying to be my matchmaker."
"Alright, alright." Rose sighed, surrendering. "I'm done, I promise. Just homemade jam from here on out."
"You can keep venting to me about Paige's wedding," Rey offered. "That's fun."
"Oh my god, did I tell you about her flowers?" Rose cried in outrage.
That was better. Much better. Because Rey wasn't the type of person who liked to lay herself bare for just anyone. Not even Rose, who was the closest thing to a sister she would ever have. Ben was the only one she'd even been able to really confide in, the only one allowed to strip her down to the most personal, most humiliating or sad or difficult. What Rose wanted to know now was something Rey hadn't even acknowledged to herself, let alone Ben or anyone else. This wasn't something she could share.
She couldn't really talk to him about the things she'd felt in the doctor's office, when he knew more about the little embryo's growth than she did, because he cared so much he wanted to seek out the information, or what powerful emotion had moved through her heart when he put his hand over the place with all the reverence of a supplicant kneeling at the altar.
No, she couldn't tell him about those things at all.
Because it was hormones. Just hormones…right?
Poe's backyard was the central hub for most of the parties, so long as the weather allowed.
He was the only one of the group who owned a single family home (a spoiled child of wealth, groomed for a high profile, high powered career) and he also happened to be the one who loved entertaining the most, so it worked out well. This was the central gathering place for game nights, celebration dinners, murder mystery parties, or summer barbecues.
Poe could think of any excuse at all to host a crowd.
Rey arrived a little early, thinking maybe she could help him set up. Turned out she wasn't early at all. Almost everyone else was there already.
Paige Tico and her fiancé Finch Dallow, of course, and Rose, and Armitage Hux. Hux's sister Gwen was there too, helping Finn bring out bottles of beers to fill the coolers Poe had provided.
Finn spotted her and waved her over with a huge grin. "You made it!"
She joined them, giving Gwen a quick smile of greeting. "I thought I'd come early to help out..."
"I guess everyone had the same idea," Finn laughed. Rey caught a whiff of his cologne, and wrinkled her nose involuntarily. It was abrasive.
Poe dumped a bunch of ice in the coolers, giving him a wink before trotting off to start firing up the grills.
Finn was Poe's latest fling. Perhaps fling was too casual for Poe — he didn't have flings. He had epic loves. Poe was extraordinarily comfortable with his own very fluid sexuality, fully embracing any faint flicker of attraction as sign of deep and ardent love. He'd had partners of all persuasions, and thoroughly adored each and every one. He was the world's biggest, dumbest romantic. Finn, on the other hand, had only recently embraced his own true orientation and was very reluctantly letting Poe woo him, despite how obvious it was that Finn wanted it.
Finn was also Rey's first friend after she got to the States. If Rose was her adopted sister, Finn was her adopted brother. She had tried to date him once, long ago during their freshman year. She very quickly realized that he wasn't as into girls as he tried to pretend to be. She spared his dignity by letting him down gently, helping him ease back into the friendzone where he clearly belonged. He was relieved. They'd been close ever since. And she enthusiastically supported this relationship now, knowing Poe would once again commit his whole soul to Finn, as he always did with his lovers.
And speaking of Poe's lovers — shortly after Rey arrived, Jessika and Tally showed up, two of his former paramours. They arrived with Jannah, who was one of the few of the group who had never dated Poe at all. It wasn't awkward, though, to have everyone together like this. Nobody ended things on a bad note with Poe. In fact, Rey was never really sure why they ended at all, since everyone seemed to emerge from the relationship with excellent feelings intact.
Gwen nudged Rey and thrust her chin at another woman coming out of the house carrying a baking sheet stacked with ribs. Rey didn't recognize her.
"That's Zorri," Gwen said, as if she'd anticipated this confusion. "Another one."
Rey laughed.
"Apparently she's good friends with Paige though, too. One of her best friends."
"She's pretty," Rey decided, watching the other woman cut Poe a daring look when he said something to her that Rey couldn't hear.
"I think so too," said Gwen with a meaningful little smile.
Rey wondered vaguely if there would ever be a day when this happy assembly of friends wasn't primarily concerned with who was hooking up with who, and which crushes were slowly developing. She could see Gwen's interest, and she knew that if Zorri decided to reciprocate, the two of them would quickly become the main focus of the group gossip. Paige was escaping it. Everyone thought married folks were too boring to gossip about. The odds of break-ups and new flings were severely diminished.
Rey had the biggest, juiciest piece of gossip any of them had ever, ever had. But she would avoid letting them have it for as long as she could.
The party got into full swing a short while later. Rey had to keep finding excuses when various friends kept offering her a drink. She watched for Ben to arrive, telling herself that wasn't what she was doing, and tried to distract herself in the various pockets of conversation. Earlier in the day when she was with Rose, he'd texted to find out if she wanted to ride together to the party. She said no.
Not because she didn't want to see him — it honestly scared her how badly she wanted to — but because she was still trying to keep her distance after their hot and heavy sleepover. It hadn't ended with that one rushed encounter. After she'd slept for a while, they woke up and got dinner, and halfway through a movie went for round two. That time lasted much longer. The feelings were so raw and real the next morning, though, that she'd felt a fierce need to escape and give herself some breathing room. She needed distance to think. And she needed to give Ben space so he didn't think she was trying to threaten their status quo.
Because aside from Rey's recent struggle with feelings she shouldn't be having, the only thing that had changed between them was the small thing currently lurking in her womb. That, and only that.
Right?
"You are mega distracted tonight," Finn observed, nudging her. He handed her a cold beer. "What's going on?"
Rey looked at the bottle in her hand. "Nothing specific," she lied. "I'm fine."
She set it down on the table behind her. Poe had set up some tall heat lamps to stave off the impending chill of sundown in the springtime. Right now, though, it was still light out, still warm, and the heat lamp was making her feel altogether too hot. Her stomach soured at the scent of the beer.
Finn gave her a quizzical look. Maybe she'd made a face or something to tip him off to her discomfort, because he asked, "Are you sure? What's wrong?"
That cologne of his wasn't helping. It was so acrid. So aggressive. Her nose tingled and burned with the strength of it, and her general unwellness decided the scent did not pair well with the beer or the lighter fluid Poe's briquets had been doused in earlier.
"Nothing is wrong," Rey said, trying to shake it off. "I guess I'm just feeling a little spacey tonight. It's probably PMS or something. Tell me about you and Poe, though. Have you guys graduated from making out yet?"
Finn ducked his head, darting a furtive look around, as if everyone here didn't already know and support his interest in Poe. "No. I have some...some hangups. I've tried googling them, but..."
Rey grinned and shook Finn's shoulder. "You know he's experienced in, like, everything, right? I'm sure you could ask him."
"I don't want him to think I'm a loser."
"Poe isn't going to think that," she with absolute certainty. "I don't think he's got a judgmental bone in his whole oversexed body."
Rose sauntered over to them, a cup of Poe's speciality punch in her own hand. It wasn't sour like the beer, but the alcohol in it still smelled vaguely rotten, and Rey had to swallow back another wave of unpleasantness.
"Soooo," said Rose, way too casually. She darted a look at Rey. "I swear I'm not meddling. I'm being good about my earlier promise. It's just that I've never seen Ben stare at you like this, and it's kind of freaking me out. What's his deal?"
Rey's head snapped up and around, looking for him. She hadn't known he'd arrived, and for no reason at all this knowledge made her heart skip an eager beat. She found him standing by Poe at the grill. His eyes met hers across patio. A thrill leapt right through the center of her. Rose was right, there was a whole different kind of intensity in that look. Of course Rose had never seen it, but Rey had. It was the heat and possessiveness and adoration he always wore when they were in bed.
He'd never looked at her like that around other people. Her body didn't distinguish a difference, though, and responded with the glowing molten heat in her core that this look always provoked in her. She shivered in pleasure.
Poe was trying to talk to him. He didn't seem to be listening.
"Why is that dude dialed up to like, eleven, all the time?" Finn wondered in vague disgust.
"I feel like he wants to whisk you off to his lair and drink your blood," Rose mused.
There was a thump off to the right, and Rey's attention tore unwillingly away from Ben to an object rolling neatly to her feet. A soccer ball, she realized with delight. It was Poe's. The signature pattern of the last World Cup design swirled across the white polyurethane cover. Rey picked it up and looked around.
Jannah waved at her apologetically from the grassy expanse just beyond the patio where she'd been kicking it back and forth with Tally. "Sorry, Rey!"
Rey grinned. "Is this an invitation?"
"If you want, yeah!"
"Hux," Rey called over her shoulder suddenly, startling Rose and Finn both.
The ginger was at the drink table talking to Paige and Finch when he heard his name and looked up. Rey showed him the ball in her hands. His eyes flashed eagerly and without even excusing himself he dashed away from his companions to join her.
"Pickup game," she said, grinning. "You're on my team."
"Always," Hux said with relish. They walked over to Jannah and Tally, who accepted the challenge with eager anticipation.
Rey's stomach rolled in protest to this proposition, but she ignored it. Because if there was one thing Rey loved as much as food (okay, almost as much as food) it was football.
That's right. Not soccer. Proper, internationally beloved football.
"Let's show these yanks how the world was colonized," Hux said happily.
Tally and Jannah smirked at each other. "Not sure he wants to make those kinds of jokes to the rebel child that got away."
Rey laughed. They squared off around the ball. She didn't know if this was advisable or not, but she had deliberately chosen not to care. It would be fine. She wanted to play. Before they could start, however, a huge shadow stepped up next to Tally and Jannah.
"Not that I think you can't handle yourselves," Ben said smoothly to the two women, "but I'm not sure you've seen those two play before."
Hux and Rey glanced at one another with feral grins. They had played before. A couple years ago, Poe decided to resurrect his high school soccer glory days by recruiting some of his friends to play with him. He said it could be a new group fitness goal or some other such nonsense. What he didn't anticipate, poor old Poe, was that he'd opened the door for two enthusiastic Brits to finally stretch their legs. It hadn't ever come up in conversation before, but when they started to play, Rey had delightedly discovered a brilliant player in Hux, as good as herself, even. Rather than face off, they teamed up and effectively wiped the field with whoever was fool enough to come up against them.
It had been a while since the last time. So long, Tally and Jannah hadn't been part of the group to see them in action. Ben wasn't wrong to come to their aid. He at least had a size advantage, even if he was culturally handicapped against being truly excellent at the sport.
In the back of her throat, Rey tasted bile. She refused to acknowledge it.
"I don't think that's quite fair, Solo," said Gwen, joining Rey and Hux. "You've just made the teams uneven. Now I'm obligated to keep Armitage and Rey from getting sat on on by you giant ass."
Oh yes. Now it was a game. Gwen wasn't as quick on her feet as her bother, but she was as tall as Ben and almost as broad. She'd be able to block him when it counted.
"Hey, wait a minute," Poe called way over at the grill. "How come I got stuck at this job?"
Finch went over to help him while Rose, Finn, Paige, Tally, and Zorri all pulled up chairs to watch.
Someone counted down a kickoff. Rey didn't notice who. She was staring Ben down with a cocky little grin, and he was staring right back, his hungry bedroom eyes a little more fiery and a little more daring than before.
As soon as someone gave the word, Rey was off, getting first touch, passing the ball to Hux, ducking under Ben and racing up past Tally to redirect Hux's pass. Gwen triangulated and Rey set her up with the assist, allowing Hux to get into position for the goal established between two lawn chairs.
They were one point up not even a full minute into the game.
Truthfully, Rey was great at football. In another life, with better resources, she might have liked to play on a real team. Maybe even go pro. But that wasn't the direction her life had gone, and in the end she was left with only this outsized talent for a game she rarely got to play. And maybe if she'd grown up with better resources, she wouldn't have gotten as good as she was. Back in her foster home, it was the only form of fun she and the other kids ever had. The only time they weren't trying to steal the tiny scraps of food they earned from one another. The only time she wasn't afraid of them. When their foster parents left them alone, they'd sneak out to the field behind their house and kick around this weathered, chewed up old ball they found in a spidery closet.
Rey was smaller than most of the other kids, and easily bullied in any other circumstance. But in this situation it became her advantage. When she finally started to grow, her height didn't get in the way of the speed and maneuverability she'd already learned. She was lightning on the pitch. It was the one place she felt powerful and unstoppable.
She needed powerful right now.
Her heart pumped joyfully in her chest as she snagged the ball from Tally and danced her way around Jannah. Ben loomed before her, a mountain on two legs, and reached out with one deft swipe to steal control for one brief moment. She scrabbled around him, his arm held out against her chest to keep her back as he maneuvered into a pass. But Rey anticipated him and darted to intercept, one touch and then away, off to Hux who took it in for the kill.
Rey hissed in satisfaction, watching the ball glide right through the two lawn chairs. The group of onlookers whooped and cheered.
She moved to get ready for the next run when her foot caught on Ben's, still hovering near, and she pitched forward. He caught her deftly, steadied her, and leaned in to murmur seductively in her ear, "No, no. No falling allowed, Mama Messi."
And then he was gone, a surprising show of clever footwork and an assist to Tally giving them their one and only goal for the evening.
After that, Rey began to wonder if his primary goal for playing wasn't to make sure she didn't hit the ground ever, because any time she tripped or tried for a dive, somehow he was always close enough to snatch her back. Gwen tried to cover him, but she couldn't anticipate Ben well when the ball seemed to be his secondary goal. Rey wanted to be annoyed, but they were so far ahead in points she really had nothing to complain about.
She didn't want to stop. She hadn't played in ages and it felt so good. But eventually the choice to continue waned from her power, because soon her head was spinning, her stomach roiling furiously, and Ben's teammates had flopped down into the cold grass panting and waving the white flag.
Hux came over, sweaty and alive with the flush of modern battle. He gave her a high-five. "Another devastating victory for the Imperials," he panted smugly.
Rey mustered a grin, leaning on her thighs, willing her heaving insides to calm down. Gwen patted them both and then staggered off in search of a chair and a drink.
Rose flitted up to Hux and gave him a cheerful kiss. "You looked so hot, babe. I love watching you dominate."
Rey turned away quickly before she could hear Hux's reply which she knew instinctively would only make her nausea that much worse. Ben found her, a light touch to her wrist. She glanced up and he nodded in direction of the coolers.
"Water?"
She bobbed her head once, following him. She felt so dizzy. Like nothing was quite real and she'd somehow left her body in the last few seconds of the game. Probably she should sit down. But water first. Her throat was parched, even though her salivary glands were responding to her queasiness, pooling under her tongue.
The cooler wasn't in a great spot, between the brick buffet and the grill. Right here the smell of charcoal and lighter fluid and grilling meat (like hot, burned blood) were a thick noxious cloud. Rey shook her head, trying to clear the reeling sensation, and backpedaled a little to try to escape it.
Zorri came up to the grill. Asked something of Poe. He replied and she went into the house. Ben asked Poe why the coolers only had beer. Poe laughed and wondered why they'd need anything else. Ben didn't like that. They argued for a minute. Rey couldn't focus. She felt really, really bad.
Ben turned back to her. "We can get some water inside."
"Um," she said weakly, her heart starting to pound for reasons that had nothing to do with running around with a ball. "H-hang on just a — a minute."
"Are you okay?" Ben asked, sudden concern in his face.
Vaguely Rey remembered the softness in his eyes in Holdo's exam room, and again later when he attended to her fiery needs. Why did he look at her like that? Like she was the sun and he a hungry sunflower. It made it so hard to keep a level head around him. Staying away these past few days had been so difficult. She cried for no reason at night, going to sleep in her own bed, alone and afraid because she was once again struck with the awful truth that she didn't know what the hell she was doing.
She didn't feel afraid when she was with him. That was a problem, because she wanted to be with him all the time now.
Her mind spun again, trying to hold onto this, hold on to the mounting concern in his face and the memories it provoked in her, trying to understand what she felt about all that behind the rising physical crisis in her body.
"Rey," said Poe, leaning over from the grill. "That was fun. You looked great out there."
He was wearing the same cologne as Finn. Maybe it was Poe's all along, and Finn had used it. Rey didn't know the origin, but she hated it as much on him as she had on Finn, only now it was worse because it mingled poorly with the smell of meat.
"Thanks," she managed to murmur, swallowing hard.
She wouldn't admit the game was a mistake. She wouldn't. It was fun. As much carefree fun as she'd had in a long time. If she could just sit down for a second, catch her breath, get her heart to stop hammering and her mouth to stop watering and all these damn smells to just calm down for a second...
"Coming through," chirped Zorri, carrying another platter from the kitchen to the grill.
Ben shuffled aside to give her space to get by. Rey closed her eyes for a second, just a second, trying to center herself and find her bearing. But then Poe put the newest offering on the grill and a burst of hot, oily, scorching fish hit her full force.
Suddenly Rey wasn't just shaky, and suddenly she wasn't just nauseated, but it was all coming to a horrible crescendo and rocketing up from her guts like a high school science fair volcano. A strong arm wrapped around her waist, wheeling her away even as his other caught hold of a remarkably strategic trash can and brought it right into her flailing arms.
She clutched it desperately and without any choice in the matter at all, experienced an awful revisit of the various snacks she'd nibbled on during the course of the afternoon. It was the first time she'd vomited in years. Suddenly she remembered why she hated it so much. Tears sprang to her eyes, the smells of the trash assaulted her with every desperate gasp, compounding her sickness again and again.
Ben held her up and helped her support the trash can. It was a lucky thing because all of her strength was being used up apparently trying to expel demons from her body. Vaguely she was aware of some shouts of alarm. Distant, or maybe near, she wasn't sure. Ben's voice thundered through his chest, against her back, as he issued some sort of command and someone else scurried to comply. She couldn't hear what because her head was halfway in the can and the sound of her own wretchedness echoed in her ears.
When she'd finally sent forth her very soul from out of the depths of her, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and sucked putrid air. Ben eased her down into a chair he'd bullied someone into fetching for her, and took the trash out of her hands, setting it on the ground at her feet.
Humiliated and dazed, Rey put her head in her hands and panted for breath.
Sounds came rushing in again, chaotic and demanding.
"Rey!" Finn was shouting, really way too close to be that loud.
"What happened?" Rose cried.
Everyone was talking at once. Rey wanted to dig a hole and bury herself deep where no one could see her.
"Leave her alone," Ben growled. She peeked over her shoulder at the broad expanse of his body above her as he tried to herd everyone back a few feet.
"What's wrong with her?" asked Paige.
"Is she sick? What did she touch?" Her fiancé, Finch, sounded nervous.
"She already had the virus, idiot," Rose muttered. "Stop freaking out, she'd not going to contaminate you."
"He's not an idiot," Paige fired back at her sister, clearly offended. "We just don't want to get sick a week before the wedding."
"I'm sure it's just food poisoning," said Hux. "Nothing contagious."
Rey did not want to cry. She did not want to cry. Her eyes burned, her throat burned, acid clung to her tongue, bitter and vile.
"Back. The hell. Off," Ben snarled viciously now.
"What the hell, Solo?" This voice was Poe's, full of indignation. "No need to be rude, man."
Ben growled his disapproval again. "You lunatics are all acting like she just burst into flames. She's okay. Just give her a goddamn second to breathe. Jeezus, you're all morons."
"Douchebag," Finn grumbled. "Like we're not allowed to be concerned."
"Did she play too hard?" Jannah asked. "Because I think I did. I feel a little gross too."
"You guys just need to eat," sighed Poe. "I'm sorry it's taking too long."
"She didn't play too hard," Hux said. "We've done much more than that and nobody's ever tossed their lunch like that."
"That's what I'm saying." Finn sounded so annoyed.
"Come on, guys," Rose laughed. It ran through the grumbles and mutters like a welcome trill of music. "It's not like we haven't all seen each other get sloppy drunk and puke before."
"But she wasn't drunk!" Finn protested. "She didn't even touch the beer I gave her!"
Poe started to laugh too, though, and launched into one of his wild recountings of a time he got so hammered he stripped naked at one of his mother's fancy dinner parties.
Rey wiped tears away and closed her eyes until she felt a soft touch on her arm bringing her back. She thought it might be Ben, but when she opened her eyes again it was Gwen. Apparently she hadn't joined the others in the huddled mass where Ben had been doing crowd-control. She handed Rey a cold water bottle. Rey took it, swilled out her mouth and spat once more into the soiled trash can at her feet. Gwen nodded approvingly and then whisked it away.
The group was distracted swapping drunk stories now. Ben turned, his gaze following Gwen for a second before they flicked back to her. The anger in them cooled immediately and was replaced with concern. He squatted down next to her.
"I'm so sorry that happened," he murmured. "Do you want to go inside for a minute?"
Rey nodded.
Her skin felt feverish and chilled at the same time. She just wanted to get out of the spotlight before her friends remembered and got worried all over again.
Ben took her hands, helped her to her feet and took her inside Poe's house. She still felt shaky and weak, and was so grateful when she got to sink into one of Poe's enormous, plushy couches. She sagged into the pillows and exhaled slowly.
Ben was watching Gwen over in the kitchen, his body stiff and guarded.
Rey turned to see. The tall woman was just replacing the trash bag in the little can Rey had abused. When she saw Ben watching her, she gave him a nod. "It's taken care of."
"Thank you," Ben said.
"I'll give you two some privacy." She went back outside to join the others.
Finally Ben sat, choosing the L-potion of the couch so he could face her. He leaned his elbows on his knees and gave her a solemn, appraising look.
"Does she know?" Rey asked, motioning to the door Gwen had just gone through.
He shook his head.
Gwen was just extra perceptive and kind, then. Rey knew Hux a lot better than his sister, simply by virtue of being so close to Rose, but she'd always liked the big woman, from what she did know. Right now, she could almost say she loved her for being exactly the right kind of supportive after a humiliating moment.
"Are you alright?" Ben asked softly.
"Embarrassed," she admitted. "That was kind of sudden. It came out of nowhere."
"Did you push yourself too hard in the game?"
"I never have before...but maybe." She was nauseated going into it, so probably playing that hard didn't help. But Rey refused to think it had been a bad idea. It hadn't been.
"Do you feel better now?" he asked, looking down at her hands which where clasped tight together in her lap to stop them from shaking.
"A bit, yeah." Her emotions were so close to the surface, though. Maybe he could see that, because he didn't look at all convinced.
"Rey," he started, then stopped abruptly because just the sound of her name in his voice, said in that tender way he only ever used for her, made the tears well up in earnest again and spill over. She turned her face away, ashamed.
With the lightest touch, so tentative, like he wasn't sure how she'd react, he took her chin and gently brought her back to face him. "Listen to me." His voice was soft, firm, and careful. "What happened was not your fault. It's normal for this first little bit. You don't need to be embarrassed."
"I wish it weren't," she whispered.
"It weren't what?"
"Normal. I don't like this part. I didn't ask for this. To have my…social life…my body…my sense of smell disrupted like this." Her lip quivered and her voice wavered and another tear slid down her cheek.
Ben's gaze dropped to her mouth, and he lifted his thumb from her chin, brushing it just gently across that lip, soothing the tremble. "I wish I could take it for you. Carry this burden you didn't plan on. I'm sorry."
"Can I stay with you again tonight?" she asked her voice soft and nervous even in the midst of her impulsive need. "I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't. I don't have any right to ask—"
He shook his head, and she thought he was telling her no, but then she saw that he was huffing an incredulous chuckle. "Rey, please, please don't apologize for ever wanting that. Of course you can. I want you to. Are you kidding? You have every right to ask me for anything. For everything. I will never deny you anything that is in my power to give you."
Hormones, Rey told herself, because the look in Ben's face was making her heart race all over again, and this time, not from nausea. Somewhere, maybe, a door opened. Maybe it was inside her. Maybe something small and scared and desperately hungry peeked its head out and wondered if he really meant that. If he really meant everything. Because she wanted…she wanted everything. But if he didn't, if this was just his instincts or the ridiculous euphoria of their choice, and there was even the smallest possibility that he might change his mind when he came down from this crazy high…
Ben shifted forward, closer to her, and his hand dropped to her lap. For a moment she thought he might reach for her abdomen again, and touch her like he had that night in bed. But he took her hand instead, fingers sliding against hers soothingly. "Rey, please come home with me tonight, and every night that you need it."
Rey wanted to ask for every night. Period. No caveats. But she couldn't. She didn't trust herself. Or this. What would he think if she wanted to break their unspoken no-strings-attached agreement? Would he backpedal, say she'd just misunderstood his motives, he was just being this tender because she'd become his vessel and it was all meant for his baby?
No, a soft voice whispered in her. She couldn't believe that. Ben wasn't some strange who was being sweet out of the blue. He was Ben. The guy she'd gone on road trips with, the one who taught her to play D&D, who talked to her for hours sometimes about any minor thing running through his mind. She knew him. She knew right to the heart of him, and she knew he would never be that cruel to her.
Did she dare tell him? And if so, tell him what, exactly? That she didn't know precisely how to ask if they could...make a proper family of this weird situation? How did one bring something like that up?
Her silence went on and on, and Ben just watched her. He brushed a thumb across her skin again. She didn't have to know the answer right now. He'd said she could come home with him. She wanted to cuddle into his safe arms and not bother trying to figure any of this out intimacy, though, because well, vomit, and also because she could no longer differentiate the feelings he aroused in her during that and the feelings she had for him outside the bedroom.
"I...don't think I want — I mean... is it okay if we just cuddle until I fall asleep?"
Ben laughed, a soft, husky kind of chuckle. "Remember what the doctor said? You're already carrying my baby, you don't owe me anything else."
And then — behind them — a gasp. And then a shriek. "Your WHAT?"
They leapt apart and whirled around to find Rose gaping at them.
Friends, FRIENDS! Don't hate me! I wasn't going to leave it on a cliffhanger but this chapter got waaaay too long so I split it. The second half is written! I'll just edit and proof and then post it in a couple hours, don't worry!
(I promise this is the closest to angst we will get, friends! Fluffy love with a dash of suspense, that's all this is. It will be resolved expediently.)