Summary: A Reveal Dinner, a shower, a teddy bear. POV Ben
A/N: Guys, THIS CHAPTER. It had a mind of its own. This is a continuation of the last chapter. It was supposed to be one scene, tacked on to the end of the last one, but then Ben had a bit of a reaction I didn't see coming, and it blew up, so I decided to separate the chapters. And it's a dang good thing too, because this skewed in a whole different way than I thought. These characters like to route my outlines for them.
CONTENT WARNING AHEAD
Peoples goin' be naked. Really, really naked. But I promise it doesn't get smutty or explicit. We're not changing the rating, this stays T-level! But just know that it's ahead. I promise, it doesn't even lead to anything spicy.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Sometime After Midnight
TWENTY-TWO WEEKS: BELL PEPPER (Cont.)
That night, they met everyone at Takodana Bar and Grill. The owner, Maz, was an old friend of Ben and Poe's parents both, and over the years she'd come to know a little something about everyone in the group, so it was about as comfortable a place as any. Some people thought the establishment was a bit of a dive. The dated decor and ecclectic patrons did lend it an air of...escape. Like this is where people went to get away from things. But warmth and welcome pervaded and everyone who worked for Maz exuded the energy of people who were grateful and happy to be at work.
Ben liked it here.
But then, they all did. That's why they came here.
If Maz didn't have any reservations booked for the evening, she'd sometimes let them eat in the private event room. Sometimes. If there was a decent reason. Apparently Poe had worked out a decent reason, because Ben and Rey found everyone gathered there, standing around the long table. Poe and Finn, Jessika, Tallie, Jannah, Gwen and Zorri, Rose and Hux, Paige and Finch. Everyone was there.
The general energy seemed light and effervescent, as it usually was with this crowd. It didn't seem to matter what stress or concerns others had going on in their lives, when they all got together, all of it got pushed to the background. Like the group was a small version of Maz's place. Wherever they were, it felt like a break from reality. Everyone came for each other. Sure, they might have been initially drawn by Poe's endless idea of activities, his dogged enthusiasm and charisma, but they stayed for each other, for the ease with which they all got along. Sometimes they argued, like any group as close as siblings would, but those passed as easily as summer squalls.
Ben appreciated this about them, even if he did sometimes tire of the group. The drama, however gossipy, was minimal and usually over quickly. Like Rey and Rose, he decided, watching them now. As soon as they'd walked in, Rose snatched Rey away and dragged her off to talk to Jess, Finn, and Tallie. They were all laughing like they were comfortable together. Like all the awkwardness that existed between Rey and Rose the last few weeks had faded.
Gwen pulled Ben in to talk to her and Armitage. They were a calmer sort, and Ben liked discussing things with them. Tonight they pondered on some recent political upheaval and speculated about what it might mean for the future.
Eventually Poe persuaded everyone to sit and order. Rey drifted back to Ben, sitting beside him with an eager smile. While everyone else ordered their various drinks, Ben ordered from the non-alcoholic menu. He did it in solidarity, mostly, because it didn't seem right to him that he should drink when Rey couldn't. And she seemed to appreciate not being the only dry glass at the table.
Conversation flowed around as everyone ate, like colors swirling and pushing and refracting through a kaleidoscope. Some people wanted to know what Poe's summer adventure was this year, since he always seemed to come up with his most outrageous schemes during the summer. He said he didn't know yet. Some of them teased Gwen and Zorri, wondering if they were keeping things casual or deciding to get serious now, after dating for a couple months. Zorri coolly announced that they were happily serious. It made Gwen blush, which was one of the strangest things Ben had ever seen.
They planned movie premiers, talked about the latest outrageous documentary series, and generally glided over every topic under the sun.
Eventually, when most people had empty plates, Poe stood up and clinked his glass to get everyone's attention, his face flushed and eyes bright with excitement. "I'm happy we could all get together tonight on such short notice, because I have learned three things today that I think everyone would be very excited to know. It's big, guys. Brace yourselves. And remember that we really don't want to disturb Maz's other customers this time, so if you could try to rein in your screams, that'd be great."
Laughter rippled through them, a few smiles of anticipation blooming in the wake of his words.
He motoned with a dramatic flourish. "So! With that ominous introduction, I'm gonna kick it over to my man Ben Solo, or Rey, whichever of them wants to talk."
"It's all you," Rey whispered frantically.
Ben grimaced. She flashed him an apologetic grin.
All eyes turned to them, eyebrows lifting, a few intrigued glances shared. He sighed and gave Poe a begrudging look. This kind of melodrama was not Ben's style. That is to say, he could be plenty dramatic — the grandson of Padme and Anakin, and the son of Han and Leia could definitely work a mood better than just about anyone. He'd had some pretty public tantrums over his lifetime. Especially at work. But this high-pressure stage announcement business was...unpleasant.
He didn't stand. He just sort of angled his body and lifted his head a little so it looked like he was addressing everyone. He cleared his throat.
"Okay, well I guess Poe wants us to tell you the three things he learned today. One, it's a girl. Two, Rey is moving in with me. And three, we're together now."
There. That should do it. Might as well just drop the whole payload at once and get back to his mostly-finished dinner. Audible gasps burst from each impact, the fallout spreading over them for a stunned, silent moment before they all started to speak at once and no discernible phrase or question leapt out of the mayhem.
Rey laughed. "So much finesse in that delivery, Shakespeare."
He grinned, because he knew exactly what he'd done. "Efficiency seemed the best course here."
"Efficiency?" She cocked her head and smirked. "Or mischief?"
"Hmm, both."
"You're together together?" Rose cried, finally getting her voice out above the others. She leaned over the table to catch Rey's hand. At Rey's nod, her jaw fell all the way open, and a mix of triumph, joy, and slight betrayal skittered over her face.
Meanwhile on his other side, Poe gave Ben an exasperated look. "Spoil sport. You could have drawn that out. Given them time to react to each thing."
Ben shrugged. "Hey, I wasn't given instructions here."
"And to think, we could have gone with my original idea," Poe sighed.
Gwen regarded Ben with curiosity and intrigue from her place beside Zorri. She didn't seem as shocked as some of the others.
"What changed?" demanded Tallie. "When did the dam finally break?"
Rey chewed her lip, as if debating how honest to be. "At the ultrasound. It's been happening for a while, I guess. But all this—" she motioned to her belly, hidden under the table "—just kind of opened up some feelings."
"God, I'm so relieved," Jess laughed. "Now we can stop that stupid thing where you two try to bring other people around to fit in with our group and we all had to pretend to be supportive."
"Solo," Hux cut in loudly, sparing Rey from having to make a reply to that. Ben glanced at him. "This moving in together thing — does that mean you guys are boyfriend and girlfriend? How do we refer to you?"
Ben frowned when an answer did not immediately suggest itself. He grasped uselessly for what to say, because although he had daydreamed of being able to call Rey is girlfriend for a few years now, it didn't feel right anymore. Like it was too casual a term.
"Wait, he said you guys are having a girl?" Jannah broke in, glancing around at everyone else. "Are we skipping past that part?"
"Have you guys thought of names? And which last name will the baby have?" Paige asked. "Solo or Johnson?"
"Solo," Rey said immediately and without hesitation, drawing a glance from Ben.
They hadn't talked about that either. So many things yet to figure out. The questions were flying faster than they could answer, and it had to be this one that she chose to respond to, granting Ben with information he felt like he should have known before. But then, it wasn't like the answer was all that surprising. He could have guessed. Rey had been very candid with him over the years about how her name meant nothing to her. It tied her to no clan or kin, no people. It was just a thing placed on her as a foundling to identify her from other foundlings and foster kids.
The questions kept coming, but it was hard to keep up, and soon they abandoned attempts to answer any of them.
Sometime into this bedlam, Hux's face lit up, and he pointed at Poe. "Night cap at your place?"
"No need," Poe said with a fiendish grin, and from under the table he produced a bottle of wine. "So glad you remembered, Armie-man. And hey, nobody grouse at me about bringing my own alcohol in. Maz already knows about it."
A happy sound rippled through the group. Ben didn't know the significance of this bottle. He watched as Poe handed it over to Jess. "Do you want to do the honors?"
Jess laughed, smiled, and stood. She held up the bottle auspiciously, like it was an Oscar, and she the actress giving her acceptance speech. "Friends, we have arrived. It's finally happened. We've all been waiting for this moment a long time, haven't we? Once upon a time, I decided that my charismatic boyfriend Poe and his friend Ben should meet my friends, so I invited them to dinner one night. Back then it was just me, Rey, Finn, and Rose hanging out together — remember that? Our group has grown so much since then. And you know? At first, I thought maybe it was a mistake, bringing Poe's tall, quiet, moody friend into our dynamic. But then I saw how my girl Rey lit up when he was around, and how broody Ben wasn't so broody with Rey nearby. And my friends, that was the inception of this celebration, right here. Poe and I agreed that someday, they would fall hopelessly in love, and when it happened, we'd share a celebratory toast. He set aside a bottle from that year. This bottle."
She held it up again.
Rey was gaping at her, cheeks flushed bright.
Jess grinned. "Over the years several of you have gotten in on our pact. Armitage and Gwen, Tallie, Finn, Rose and Paige. Jannah, Finch, and Zorri only recently, since we learned about Rey's pregnancy. So this toast is for all of us. For patiently abiding these two and all their nonsense for all these years. We survived the great slow-burn of our generation."
Everyone cheered again and passed their glasses down as Jess opened the bottle. She filled each one, beaming with delight.
Ben rolled his eyes as Poe pounded him on the back.
"Great speech, Jess!" His friend cried, lifting his glass when it got back to him. "Perfection!"
She beamed. Finn laughed and raised his cup, along with most of the others.
Ben glanced over at Gwen. "You too?"
She shrugged, smiled, and lifted her own glass as well. "I mean, it was really obvious. You expected me to miss out on the big payoff drink because of scruples?"
"Traitor," he accused, though there was no real heat in it.
Ben turned again to assess Rey's reaction to all this. For his own part, he took it in stride. More nonsense from their loveably over-involved friends. It wasn't like he hadn't been pussyfooting around the same thing all these years. Rey laughed a little, but her cheeks were furiously red too, and she looked like she wanted to crawl under the table.
He shifted, bumping his knees into hers, nudging her gently to draw her attention. When she looked up at him, he leaned over to whisper privately to her, "They can tease and toast all they want. I wouldn't change a minute of these last five years."
She buried her forehead into his shoulder.
"To the happy couple!" Poe cried. Everyone toasted and drank. And then Poe was on his feet, pulling yet more out from under the table. It was a small gift bag with white and gold tissue paper poking out of the top. He reached across Ben to hand it to Rey, who came out of hiding in time to see it.
"This," he said happily, "is for the newest member of our group, when she arrives."
Ben hated gifts. Or rather, he hated the ordeal of receiving a gift in front of the giver. The pressure to react a certain way, the spectacle of it all, he hated it. He was glad Poe hadn't handed that thing to him, but still, he experienced a curl of vicarious dread in his stomach anyway. With so many eyes on her, Rey's reaction had to be genuinely grateful. Anything less would be awkward. And with Poe, who knew what could come out of that bag. It could be sweet, it could be embarrassing. Like the one year he gave a horny cookbook to Rose not too long after she'd started dating Hux. Or the year he gave a pair of boxer-briefs to Finch, colored to look like the flag of Italy, with the parts of the Statue of David depicted on the front.
So Ben braced for something cringey like that.
Rey pulled out a tiny little white dress with bitty sunflowers patterned over it, a soft yellow headband with a big bow, tiny white socks, and a stretchy yellow blanket of some sort. An admiring coo ran through the group.
Rey smiled and glanced at Poe with a glint of knowing in her eye. "Is this your version of a reveal?"
He laughed. "It might have been, if Ben hadn't just so casually spilled the beans. A backup plan, in case you wanted to be fun."
"Well, thank you," she said, her grin growing. "It's adorable. And sunflowers are my favorite."
"I know," he said proudly. His glance darted to Ben, because it was Ben who had told him that once, he couldn't remember when, exactly.
Ben huffed a soft sound. "That is better than what I was expecting..."
"Come on," Poe said, elbowing him. "Look at it. Doesn't that look like something the kid of Rey would totally wear? Finn pointed it out and we had to get it. It's from both of us."
"When did you get it? You just learned she's a girl today."
Finn leaned over from Poe's other side. "After we left Rey's apartment."
"You went specifically to find a gift?" Ben lifted a brow skeptically.
Finn shrugged.
Poe grinned. "You sound surprised."
With a snort, Ben turned away from him, back to Rey who had nudged him. She had put the other things back, but handed him the dress.
"It's cute, isn't it?" she asked lightly, her earlier amused smile still lingering.
Before Ben could answer, Rose asked something, drawing Rey's attention away again, leaving him to hold this little scrap of cloth uncertainly. Everyone seemed distracted, so he swallowed and dropped his attention to it. He draped it out over one palm to really give it a proper look —and his heart stuttered to a stall inside him.
It was tiny.
There had to be some mistake. This had to be for a doll, not a human. He checked the tag. Newborn it said. A funny feeling twisted in his stomach. It felt like his heart had restarted, but now it was beating way too fast. Out of control.
Poe said something to him. He didn't hear it. His gaze frantically flicked from those tiny arm holes to that itty bitty torso space to those miniature snap buttons meant to close over a diaper. Sunflowers dotted his vision, imprinting into his mind. Soft cloth over his fingertips, a little flowy skirt. Teeth grinding together. His brain felt stuck. So small, it repeated, like a record skipping backwards over a scratch, again and again.
Ben knew she'd be small. He'd read it. He'd looked ahead in the app. He'd seen pictures of infants. Obviously, she was going to be small. That was exactly the nature of babies. Small enough to hold in one arm
But holding this tiny article of clothing made it suddenly shift into perspective for him. Little. Vulnerable. Breakable. He tried to suck air, but his lungs felt compressed.
A real, micro-sized human was going to wear that dress. A miniature thing, exactly this small in his giant hands. Fragile and new and small.
"You okay, Solo?" Gwen asked, eyeing him from across the table. "You're always a pale chap, but now you look like death warmed over."
Ben's gaze snapped up to her, and then to Rey, who was still talking animatedly to Rose. He took the bag from her and shoved the dress inside, catching a brief glimpse of those socks which were even tinier and which made his stomach lurch all over again.
"I'm fine," he told Gwen brusquely.
A lie. He was not fine.
He was definitely not fine.
Ben couldn't really say what happened the rest of the evening. People talked. He responded, some automatic part of his brain supplying him appropriate answers, but in the meantime he felt the world tipping, tipping, tipping, and he could barely cling on by his fingernails.
When they left, Rey was in a good mood. She'd had fun. After the initial surprise, everyone got the teasing out of their system and afterwards it settled into a normal, hyper hangout. She ended up laughing about something Ben didn't pay attention to with Finn and Rose so hard they'd all three been in tears. It was good to see her let loose like that. Normally these bubbly moods of hers after a night of friends amused him. But tonight, he couldn't really feel anything.
Only a vague, creeping sense of panic.
But he didn't dare let Rey see. Because she had her own moments of alarm, and it was his job to remain implacably steady, to hold her up when she couldn't do it herself. So he said nothing. He smiled and listened to her happily discuss some interesting observations of the evening, meanwhile dying a slow death inside. Because there was a girl on the way who could fit in his hands and who would need him in ways he didn't know how to be needed.
They got back to his condo — their condo now — and Rey went to draw herself a bath. Ben changed in loose pajamas pants that just clung to his hips and a soft black cotton shirt. He needed to be comfortable. His clothes felt like they were strangling him. And then to distract himself from his inexplicably jumbled thoughts, he went to retrieve the laundry he'd set to dry while they were gone.
Ben's condo had two bedrooms and two bathrooms. He'd turned the second bedroom into a home office, of sorts, with a weight bench in there too. He didn't really work from home, so the office didn't see much use. The weight bench did, though. Since he was a teen, he'd work himself into exhaustion whenever his feelings got to be too much to control. He should probably visit the weights now. Should probably burn off so much energy that he didn't have time to freak out about a teeny tiny dress like some kind of lunatic.
But he didn't work out. Instead he stared into the weird second bedroom and hated everything in it.
It all needed to go.
Or else he needed to get moving on this house idea. Because Rey was working on a person who would definitely need her own space. A space she could claim for her refuge. Where she was allowed to just be, because nobody would know her better than she knew herself. Not Rey, and certainly not Ben.
They needed a crib.
Or a bassinet?
A place to lay down her tiny head at night. Where she could feel safe and secure and loved. Should she have her own room at first? Or should she stay by them until she got a little older? What else did they need to be ready for her? What kind of gear did babies require?
Fear drove him away from the room. He grabbed the laundry hamper and used the soothing rhythm of folding clothes to ease the tension coiling in his body. He loved laundry. It baffled him how Rey could think it was so odious, because for him, there was pleasing simplicity in the mechanical motions of matching, sorting, and folding. By the time he carried the neat bundles to their respective drawers or hangers, he felt a little better.
Rey came out of the bathroom looking relaxed and happy. When they climbed into bed, she snuggled right into him. He held her and stared up at the ceiling.
"It's kind of weird," she confessed after a minute. "Knowing that there's nowhere else for me to go now. That I'm not just sleeping over."
He blinked, pulled back down by that realization. She tangled her legs into his, and he buried his nose in her hair. "You don't need anywhere else to go," he assured her softly. "This is where you belong."
She smiled, tipped her head up, kissed him. A wave of calm crashed through him, temporarily easing some of his stunned terror. He could set aside the fears of impending fatherhood for a second, remembering what they had done earlier in the day. Moving her out of her place. Taking the next step.
"I love you, Ben," she whispered softly, her finger tracing some imaginary line down the side of his face.
He took that hand, pressing his lips against each finger in turn. "I'm really happy you're here. Permanently. But there's something I need to tell you about."
Her lashes fluttered as her eyes blinked wide. "What?"
"I don't want us to stay here."
A surprised sort of laugh bubbled up out of her. "What? Why not?"
"There aren't kids in this neighborhood. It's not that kind of place. And…it's small. No yard. I want her to grow up somewhere nicer than this."
Her nose wrinkled. "Like one of those monstrous estate palaces you grew up in?"
"No!" He rushed to tamp down that assumption as quickly as he could. "No, no, not like that. Just a decent house with a decent yard. Big enough for a dog. Big enough to build your hydroponic garden, if you want."
"Mm, I like the sound of that."
"You do? You don't feel like it's…rushing things? To talk about getting a house?"
She tapped a finger against his stubbled chin, her eyes wandering up to the ceiling in thought. "I guess it is. But she'll be here in—"
"Eighteen weeks," he said. "Give or take."
She smiled. "Yeah. About eighteen weeks. And you heard what Poe said earlier today. We move like glaciers. So maybe it wouldn't hurt to…rush…just a little."
He exhaled, arm around her tightening at the resurgent flash of unease. "Okay."
She hesitated. "Um…awkward to bring up, maybe, but I don't exactly know how we're supposed to buy a house. I definitely can't afford one."
"Don't worry about that," he said softly. "I told you, I have savings."
Her eyes narrowed and she stared at him for a second, her mouth pressed thin. He half-expected her to start arguing about being able to contribute, but she didn't. Finally she said, "You know, this is all getting kind pf permanent."
"I'm not planning on going anywhere. Are you?"
"No." The corner of her mouth twitched into a grin.
Even though it made his heart race again to do it, he put his other hand over her stomach. "Besides, I'm pretty sure it got permanent the moment we decided to keep her."
There was movement there. A push. Something skating across the inside of Rey, skimming under his touch. He jerked his hand back with a nervous little breath.
She laughed. "You always act like she just bit you when that happens."
"It's just so weird when I'm not expecting it," he admitted, a little sheepishly. "Bodies aren't supposed to…do that. Feels like there's something living inside you. Like an alien."
"Alien might not be too far off," she chuckled. Then she gently pushed him away, grabbed her giant octopus pregnancy pillow thing, and arranged a comfortable nest for her aching body.
Ben really did love it when he felt the baby move. He did. When he was braced for it. When he knew it would happen. It thrilled him, filled him with a sense of wonder. But when an idle touch provoked movement he didn't know to anticipate, it gave him the creeps. He couldn't imagine how she didn't want to claw out of her own skin, feeling something move inside her.
They fell quiet after that, and soon he could hear her soft snores. She didn't used to snore. That was definitely a recent development.
Ben tried to follow her to sleep, but it evaded him. His mind kept tumbling, churning like a restless sea. You're not ready, a voice inside him fretted. She's coming, and you're not ready.
Eighteen weeks was a long time. They had a while to get ready. It was barely June. Plenty of time to figure out what babies need and buy it. Plenty of time to look at a house and choose something right for them. Plenty of time to figure out what the hell he was supposed to do, how he was going to be everything this tiny girl needed him to be — right?
What would she be like? What kind of personality would she develop as she got older? Would she be wild and restless and independent like her mother? Would she be solemn and introverted and wilfull like him? Or would she have her own, unique personality, unrelated to either of them? And just as importantly, would she resent him as much as he had resented his parents?
Ben eventually got up. It did no good tossing and turning like this. He went to the window and stared out at an empty, moonlit world. This anxiety clinging to him now, it needed to go. These temporary abatements, Rey's kiss, the laundry, they eased him for only a moment. He needed a more permanent treatment. So with sudden resolve, he did go to his weights this time. He stripped his shirt off, loaded up the barbell, and pressed every nervous, unwelcome thought out of his head with every drop of sweat he spilled in the middle of the night.
His fear didn't mean he wasn't still excited. It didn't mean he didn't want this little girl with every beat of his panicked, woefully inadequate heart. It didn't mean he still didn't love that he and Rey had accidentally gotten themselves into this mess.
But loving and wanting didn't take the fear away either. It remained. Awakened by that infernal miniature dress. It nestled right up against his happiness and reminded him that he was way out of his depth. He didn't know the first thing about being a father. His relationship with his own father was tumultuous. He didn't know the right way to discipline, the right way to guide, the right way to nurture. What was considered spoiling, what was considered withholding? He didn't know how to do any of it.
But the more his muscles burned and ached under his brutal punishment, the less power these thoughts had over him. They quieted to a whisper instead of a scream.
I have time, he told himself with each push. I will be ready.
Finally, when his head was clear and he felt utterly spent, he racked the bar above him again and stared up at the ceiling, stained gray-white by the bright, full moon streaming through the window.
Tomorrow, he would go talk to his dad.
"Ben?"
He lifted his head. Rey was staring at him from the doorway, eyes bleary with sleep, but confusion written across her brow. The soft, silky maternity nightgown she wore shimmered like liquid silver in the moonlight.
"Did I wake you?" he asked, sitting up, drawing deep, steadying breaths after his body buzzed down from its intense ordeal. "I'm sorry."
She came over to him, one hand finding his bare shoulder. Her touch was cool against his burning skin. With her other she held his chin and tilted his head up to her. "What's wrong?"
Her hazel eyes looked gray in the dark, and as metallic as her nightgown. But they were rounded in bewilderment and soft with concern. Her hair hung loose to her shoulders in lazy, non-committal waves.
He dipped to press a kiss into her palm. "I'm alright, I promise. I just…had a lot on my mind."
Rey sank down onto the bench next to him, the hand on his shoulder sliding down his sticky-sweaty back. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"I think I worked it out of my system," he reassured her. His gaze dropped the gentle roundness of her middle. To that spot where all his fears lay buried with one new heartbeat. Small though she'd be, she was smaller still right now. A pepper. But right now she was safe, nestled where no one could hurt her, where only her mother guarded, sustained, and nurtured her. Where Ben couldn't screw it up. He tentatively rested a hand there. It didn't make his heart burst into a frenzied gallop this time.
He sighed in relief. "Everything's fine right now."
Her hand moved over his, holding him against her, her fingers brushing lightly against his skin. "Right now?"
"I just want to make sure we're — I'm ready," he said, correcting himself. "That I know what the hell I'm doing, so I can be enough for her.
"You will be," she said, pressing a kiss into his cheek. "Just as you are now, you're enough. She's unbelievably lucky to have you. Don't worry, Ben. We've got this. We will figure it out."
She was echoing his own words back to him. The same he always gave her when she was panicking about things to come. They did bring him comfort, hearing her say them. Maybe they could be strong for each other. Maybe they could stagger these episodes of fear so that there'd always be someone to say those words out loud. His touch left her belly, coming up instead to graze her cheek, cup the side of her face, drawing her in soft a slow, sweet kiss. His lips held hers, not trying to invade or conquer, just lingering in the safety of her.
"Yeah," he said quietly. "We will."
"Come back to bed," she urged. "Sleep makes everything better."
"I'm sweaty," he objected.
Her fingers unstuck themselves from the drying salt on his back. A smile pricked the corners of her lips. "Alright. Then let me help you get clean."
Ben didn't really know what that meant, but he was intrigued, so when she got to her feet and grabbed his hands, throwing her weight backwards to pull up him, he rose and followed her to the bathroom. She turned on the shower, letting it heat up while she piled her hair high on her head in a bun. Then she peeled off her nightgown, letting it drop to the floor. Ben followed the starry fabric with a slight frown. But he couldn't concentrate on it for long because her fingers were at his waist, pulling on the elastic of his pants, sliding them down his body. When they puddled on the floor, he stepped out. Her underwear and his followed next.
She hugged him, wrapping her arms tight around his chest, nuzzling her face into the hollow of his neck where his sweat had cooled.
This was…new. And very, very nice. Ben's body roused in interest, in a trained response to being this naked with her, but he didn't let his mind drift there. Because this didn't feel physical like that. The way her whole body, all her skin, squeezed tight to his — this was something else.
She leaned up to kiss the underside of his jaw. "You always do an incredible job of making me feel loved. Let me do that for you."
With that, she pulled away to test the heat of the water. With one quick adjustment, she seemed satisfied and tugged Ben's hand and they stepped into the shower together. She pushed him into the stream, a hot cascade raining down onto his scalp, rivulets running over his shoulders, right on the edge of too hot. Perfect, actually. His body began to relax immediately.
Ben realized he was taking most of the water. His body blocked all but a fine spray now collecting on her warm olive skin. She didn't seem to mind, though, and when he tried to maneuver her into the stream, she shook her head.
"I'm clean. This is about you."
So he said nothing and just let her conduct this impromptu middle-of-the-night shower.
"Hmm," she said thoughtfully, squinting up at him through the steam. "Didn't think about your height. Better sit down."
"Sit?" His mouth quirked in amusement.
She nodded, grabbing for his shampoo and conditioner. Still intrigued, he did, folding his body onto the floor of his shower, letting the water batter his twitchy, exhausted muscles. She knelt behind him, spreading her knees to fit as much around his hips as her stomach would allow.
With his back to her, she worked the shampoo into suds on her hands and then dug into his sopping hair, combing it through. She managed a rich lather, raking it gently against his scalp, pulling it firmly through the tracks her fingers left in his curls. Ben's head lolled back, eyes drifting shut against her tugs, overwhelmed with how good it felt. Each pass of her hands sent waves of pleasure and relaxation through him, loosening all his limbs, drawing the tension out of his muscles, the knots out of his heart.
She didn't speak. He couldn't have, even if he wanted to. His power for speech melted right out of him, along with every other thought. The steam billowed around them, the water massaged him, and Rey's hands coaxed him into a deeper mellow than he ever could have imagined. When she was finished, she made him turn around and rinse the shampoo out, and then she repeated the process with his conditioner.
"You use the most basic product," she said very softly, laughter hidden in her voice, "but your hair takes it like its the most expensive, all-natural stuff money can buy. Why is guy hair so easy to please?"
He hummed a wordless reply, incapable of anything else, utterly lost to the work of her hands in his hair.
"Don't wash that out yet," she instructed when she'd finished, and Ben mourned because he knew that was the end. "Stand up."
He did, careful to keep his head out of the stream, letting it patter against his back as he turned to face her again. "What now?"
Her baby hairs were soaked, clinging to her scalp and neck. Her lithe, burdened shape gleamed in the glossy wet, and Ben once again felt the temptation to turn this into something more carnal. It would be so easy. But again, the look in her eye told him that wasn't what this was about. So he watched her lather up a loofa instead, meeting her gaze when she lifted her eyes to look at him. There was so much unguarded fondness in her face that his breath caught, and only started again when she ran the coarse, soapy loofa over his chest.
For the next several minutes she washed him, her movements gentle and thorough. Her other hand trailed over places the loofa had already been, soothing his skin, skating through the water. When she did his back, she wrapped herself around him, pressing her body up against his, resting her head against his shoulder. He could feel her heartbeat against his own rib cage, as if it were inside him too. His arms entwined, trapping her against him, and he pressed his cheek to her damp hair. They stood there like that while she ran the loofa up and down his back, the scent of soap clinging to the heavy, hot air. When she pulled back to spread her soapy hand over his neck, their eyes met again. Emotion climbed into Ben's throat and he had to look away from her, because suddenly he was trembling, and suddenly he didn't know if he could keep it together.
This was the most intimate moment they'd ever had in their long acquaintance. It felt visceral and profound and incredibly private. Sacred, even. No release had ever felt more powerful than right now. And Ben couldn't find a single word for what emotion choked him now, because all of them were inadequate. Even love didn't cover it.
When she'd finished soaping him up, she unhooked the hose attachment and directed the soft spray over every inch of him, washing it all away. She moved behind him and reached up to tilt his head back, washing out some of the conditioner with quick swipes of the hose and her fingers moving through his hair once more.
She wrapped around him from behind and pressed a kiss into his back, holding the hose down so it rained against their legs.
"Think you can sleep now?" she asked softly.
He turned around, her arms slipping easily against his torso so that she didn't even have to break the hug. He reached over her and shut the water off.
"Yes," he whispered.
She leaned up on her toes to kiss him, soft and sweet. "Are you sure you don't need...more?"
"I'm sure" he said, pulling a fluffy towel off the rack and wrapping her in it. "I want to — remember this for what it was. On its own merits."
It was still kind of hard to speak. The peace radiating through him was too thick. It felt like a comfortable, weighted blanket. And the ardent, encompassing emotion remained there like a sharp pain in his throat. He wrapped a towel around his own waist, then stepped out onto the rug, pulling her along with him. When he was certain his feet were dry and he wouldn't slip, he lifted her, bundled and snug, and carried her back to the bedroom.
They both slept late into the morning.
Ben couldn't remember a time when he'd slept more peacefully. No unsettled thoughts disturbed him. No panicked dreams. Nothing but oblivion until he woke later than he'd ever allowed himself to sleep, completely rested, a little sore, and mostly at ease. No, definitely at ease, because Rey was in bed next to him, and when she woke it was to immediately throw aside her giant pillow and cuddle in next to him. They were both too lazy and content to even bother getting out of bed until a full hour later.
"Rey," he said softly as they lay there like two cats dozing in the sun. "Last night was..."
The most loved he'd ever felt in his life. The best thing he'd ever experienced. All the superlatives still felt inadequate.
She kissed him. "I will do that for you whenever you need. I loved it too."
When they finally dragged themselves apart and got ready for the day, they decided to go to brunch. The whole time Rey kept throwing him these glances and Ben would blush like a schoolboy, a fluttering drop in his stomach. He kept smiling down at his food. Afterwards they walked around the little shops near the diner where they'd eaten, hand in hand, as strangely aflutter as if they'd just slept together for the first time. Ben kept stopping to kiss her, sometimes caging her in against secluded alley walls to do it, hungry to maintain the feeling humming between them.
But it couldn't last. Rey got a text, inviting her to go with Finn, Rose, and Hux to a flea market. She wanted to go, Ben didn't. But he encouraged her to go anyway, and dropped her off with the promise to be back in a couple hours. Then he went straightaway to his parent's house.
Because even though he felt infinitely better about everything this morning, his determination from last night lingered in him. He would learn what he could before the tidal wave hit.
"Ben," his father said with some surprise when Ben found him in his tinkering garage. He usually had some restoration project going or another. In addition to anthropology, he was a whiz with antique cars. "Aren't we going to see you later at dinner?"
"You will," he said, eyeing the MP his father had half-covered with a dust blanket. "But I needed to talk to you first."
"What, you got another bombshell to drop on us?"
Ben huffed. "No, it's not about that."
"Well, your mother isn't here..."
"I know." Ben knew his mom spent Sunday's catching up with old friends. "I came to talk to you."
"To me?" At that, his father looked a little startled. His dark green-brown eyes, set beneath two bushy white brows, darted around the garage as if looking for the answer to a most mysterious question. "Is it a full moon or something? Are you sure I'm the one you want?"
"I'm sure."
His father harrumphed in surprise. "Well that's different. Come on inside, then."
Ben followed him. "Poe gave us a gift for the baby yesterday," he started to explain. "It's like this little dress outfit thing."
"That's nice," his father said awkwardly as they made their way across the yard.
"Yeah. But the thing is, when I looked at it, I just — it hit me, you know?"
"The...outfit hit you?" His father gave him a perturbed look.
"No. That I'm going to be a father."
"Oh!" There was a pause, and then he chuckled. "Yeah. That old panic."
"Panic. Exactly. So you and Kes are the only fathers I have in my life, and I'm not gonna go talk to a Dameron about these kinds of things. I wanted your experience. Your counsel."
Han snorted skeptically. He opened the door into the sunroom, and they walked across it without pause, directly into the kitchen. "Artu has gone shopping for the stuff we need tonight. You know what that means."
Ben couldn't help the wry grin that stole over his face. Their cook was fiercely protective of his kitchen, and Han was a notorious thief. If ever Artu stepped away, there was Han, sneaking snacks.
He rummaged around until he found what he was looking for — a plateful of brownies. He snagged three off the top, handing one over to Ben and keeping two for himself.
"He's saving these for ice cream sundays tonight," he said conspiratorially. "Don't tell your mother."
Ben had always been able to rely on his father to provide a steady stream of contraband, even as his mother tried to limit his sugar intake to a few pre-approved special occasions. Was that a thing he should do to bond with his child? Certainly during the worst times, it was one of the only good things still left between his father and him. But Ben wasn't sure the same relationship would apply, because he was fairly certain Rey would be the supplier of sugar in the house, and he the one who tried to round out their diets with something healthy once in a while.
"Thanks," he said, giving his father a nod. They moved into the living room, because eating there was also something they only did when no one was around to catch them. There was a stack of things in the corner he'd never seen before — stuffed animals, packages of diapers, bags with clothing store names on the side. Apparently his mother had done a lot of shopping recently.
"Okay," Han said when he'd settled in with a brownie in each hand, looking like a cat who'd just enjoyed knocking something off a shelf. "So what did you want to talk about?"
"I guess I just want to know…" Ben floundered for the words to express what precisely he needed. "When did you figure out the dad stuff?"
His father laughed. "I'll tell you when it happens."
"What?"
"C'mon, Ben, are we really going to pretend I had any clue what the hell was going on, ever? And do you think that's any better now that you're grown?"
Ben had to concede that. "Great. That's helpful. So how do I get ready?"
"You can't. Whatever you think you're prepared for, it's worse. And by worse, I mean better. And by better — yeah, it's all just nuts, kid." He chewed one of his brownies thoughtfully. "But you know, you take it a day at a time, and somehow you get through it, and it'll be the best thing ever."
"I'm afraid I'm going to mess her up, somehow. I'll do it wrong."
"You will, that's the beauty of it!" Han laughed. "Parents always screw up their kids. Always. You ever hear of a perfect parent? No, you haven't. And you won't be one either. Go easy on yourself, Ben. I did just about everything wrong. Your mom did better, but she wasn't perfect either. And look how you turned out."
Ben cocked an eyebrow. "You approve of how I turned out?"
"Well, I'd have preferred for you to follow me into academia instead of working with that cockamamie uncle of yours, but sure, you're okay, kiddo. You got your head on, you got your life together, you do well financially, you've got a fantastic girl at your side and a little one on the way. I'd say you turned out well, wouldn't you?"
But how much of that was luck, really? Plenty of people didn't turn out well. Didn't girls who got into alternative forms of business, particularly the oldest profession in the world, didn't they all have daddy-issues? How could a man know how to protect and nurture and raise a daughter without creating issues? How could he keep her safe from a world that would want to define her, tell her who she ought to be, what she ought to do with her body? How could he shield her from those who would cage her? And how could he prepare her to hold her own against— well, men like himself. Men who would want to steal her heart away as he had stolen her mother's.
"I'm just a little overwhelmed," he sighed.
"Sounds like you're a normal dad, then," his father said with amusement. "You can't control anything except yourself. So do that, love your girls, and things will turn out alright."
That was probably good advice. Ben eyed the pile of baby stuff over in the corner. "What sort of stuff should I be getting for her? What does she need?"
"Something to eat, someone to hold them, and clean diapers," his father said lightly. "Everything else is just trimmings. And Rey might have the eating thing covered, depending on what she chooses."
"Not somewhere to sleep?"
"Babies will sleep anywhere. I stuck you in a drawer one time when we went to visit your grandparents and I couldn't get that damn portable crib thing to open."
Ben looked at his father in shock.
He polished off the last bite of brownie, holding up his hands innocently. "I didn't close the drawer."
"I'm pretty sure they have safety recommendations now, Dad," Ben said dryly.
Han snorted. "I'm sure they do."
Ben stood up and went to the pile of stuff. He grabbed a package of diapers, tearing a side open and pulling one out. He took a teddy bear and walked back to his father.
"Show me how to do this."
Han eyed him dubiously. "You wanna play with stuffed animals, son?"
"I want you to show me how to change a diaper."
His father laughed. "Ben, that was thirty-something years ago. I don't remember how to do any of that."
"Yes you do," he urged, holding the bear out to his father. "Please just talk me through it."
"Kid, you've got another few months to learn this stuff. Plus, I'm pretty sure they teach first-time dads all kinds of useful skills like this in the hospital."
"I want to know now," he insisted, his voice edged with a thread of steel. "It's something I can do to feel like I'm doing a good job. I'm getting ready."
"Ben—"
"Dad, please."
A heavy curtain of silence fell between them for a minute, and then his father sighed. "Fine. I really don't remember much, but we'll see if we can figure it out, okay?"
Ben nodded. It was good enough.
Han pushed the bear back towards him. "You're doing it, though. Like you said, I just talk you through it."
"Okay." Ben got down on his hands and knees, laying the bear down in front of hm. He sat back. "Go. Teach."
His father passed a hand wearily over his face. He leaned over and grabbed a tissue from a box next to the couch and handed it over. "Here's a wipe. So first you take off the old one."
"Okay…how?"
"Well we'd need one on the bear in the first place to figure that out, wouldn't we?"
Ben rolled his eyes. "What are the steps?"
"I dunno, I'm pretty sure you were in these cloth diapers with giant safety pins."
Ben deadpanned. "I'm pretty sure you were in those, Dad. Those are old as dirt."
Han waved his hand impatiently. "Okay, let's just skip that part. We'll come back to it once we've got this baby diapered. So she's naked. I think you gotta — lift her by her ankles. Just a little. Don't hold her upside down or anything."
Ben took a little bear foot in each hand and lifted its butt off the ground.
"No," his father shook his head. "Now how are you gonna wipe?"
Ben looked at the tissue on the ground, frowned, and then transferred both feet to one grip so he could pick up the tissue with his newly freed hand.
His father nodded. "Yeah, that looks about right. So now you gotta wipe all over the place. Babies got a lotta creases — especially fat babies. The fatter they are, the more places all the poo likes to hide. Get the back first, cuz sometimes it likes to ride way high up there."
Ben mimed along with his father's instruction. "Like this?"
"Yeah, I guess. And then you gotta — well, you were circumcised, so at first you gotta clean it real careful and put vaseline or something on it, and then later when it's all healed you gotta make sure you pull back the—"
"Dad, she won't have that part."
"Oh." Han scratched his neck, a little flustered. "Right. That's right. Well then I guess you'll need to wipe in the—"
"Okay," he interrupted again. "She's clean. Now what?"
"Powder!" His father snapped his fingers and pointed at him. "I remember that! Gotta put some baby powder on to prevent the rashes."
"Doesn't that stuff have lead or asbestos or something in it?"
"Maybe? Look, Ben, I don't know. I don't exactly keep up with baby product news, okay?"
"Okay…guess we'll table that, then." He picked up the diaper with his free hand. "So now how does this go on?"
His father grunted and got down on the ground next to him. He flipped the diaper over, and then flipped it again, frowning. "Well, we're gonna open it up like this…" he unfolded it, spreading it out. "And then, I think it goes like…"
He placed it over the bear's belly, Ben lifted the legs again and his father tucked it up and under the bear's back.
"Then these tabs here, they kind of peel open and stick to the back part there."
Ben unfolded them and wrapped them around behind, sticking them down tight. "Like this?"
They sat back and considered the newly diapered bear. Something looked wrong.
Han frowned. He picked it up and turned it over. The small side was in the back, the larger, wider, higher side in the front.
"I'm pretty sure we did it backwards," he said gruffly.
While Ben was unsticking the tabs and flipping the diaper around, the kitchen door opened and his mother came striding right in. She stopped short when she saw them. They both froze and looked up at her, like prey before a predator.
Her gaze darted to the bear, the diaper, the open diaper package, and then to Han and Ben. She frowned.
"Hi honey," Han said with a crooked smile. "You're back early."
"Amilyn had to cancel. What on earth is going on here?"
Han jumped to his feet. "The kid needed some advice." His chest puffed out and his chin lifted in pride. "He didn't want you. He came to me. Can you believe that?"
"Mom," Ben said, clutching the bear to him as he stood up. "I — I just wanted to practice."
Her gaze darted to the bear again, and suddenly she burst out laughing. She had to cover her face and turn away as her laughter swelled.
Han and Ben glanced at one another.
Finally his mother turned back around and motioned at the bear, tears pricking her eyes. "What have you done to that poor thing?"
Ben looked down at his handiwork. It seemed to be on the right way this time, but it hung limply off the bear's middle, the leg holes big and loose and sloppy. He frowned.
Leia went to her son, gently guiding him back down to the ground. With deft movements and much clearer instruction, she showed Ben how to properly fasten the diaper, tight this time. Then she showed him how to open it and bundle it up for disposal. When they were finished, they put it back on the bear one last time.
She patted his shoulder and grinned. "Look at that. You're not so hopeless. Don't worry, you can do this."
Even though she was just talking about the diaper, relief shot through him anyway and his confidence perked up a little. "You think so?"
"No, I know so." She smiled and looked around. "Where's Rey?"
"Out with friends. I'm going to go get her before dinner."
"Good." She kissed his head before standing up. "So when are you going to give her your grandmother's ring?"
His father choked and started to cough, but Ben thought it sounded suspiciously like a laugh. He stood up too and returned the diapered bear to the pile of items. When he turned around again, he shrugged. "I don't know yet. I'm not sure if she wants that. And I'm not really in a hurry. Besides, I thought you didn't care."
"Oh, I don't," she said airily, and somehow Ben didn't believe her. "It's just that, I'm pretty sure you're wrong. But what do I know? It's your life. I'm just happy to see my son so happy. Now, tell me about names."
A/N: Next up, a head of lettuce, names, names, names. And house hunting. POV Rey.
Probably Monday or Tuesday, depending on how quickly I can meet my work deadlines.