Summary: The bun, ladies and gentlemen, is done.
A/N: Probably a much more prolonged and graphic depiction of birth than you wanted. But we are nothing if not committed to realism here in this fluffy fantasy of ours.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Push
1:05 PM (13:05)
Kandia turned out to be quite different from Addisyn. She was older, for one, and more soft-spoken. She radiated an aura of kindness and professionalism too which Rey appreciated. She listened more than she spoke, and when she asked again for Rey to recount what happened this morning, she didn't dismiss it. This was possibly because she'd already seen what Ben did to nurses who dismissed Rey too easily, but she really did seem to listen. Or anyway, she made good eye contact and didn't interrupt and Rey felt heard.
The ultrasound tech scanned around Rey's belly and first reassured all three of them that baby looked good. That, at least, was a relief.
"You have her chart from her last appointment?" She asked Kandia.
"Yes, her provider's office just sent it."
"You'll want to compare the levels," said the tech. "She does look pretty low."
Ben, hovering out of the way, made a soft satisfied noise, and Rey held her breath. Yesterday Holdo had said her fluid looked good. This had to be evidence, right? Proof that Rey wasn't inventing signs?
Kandia nodded. "Okay."
"Yeah, these look really low," the tech said again. "I'm kind of surprised you haven't gone into labor yet, hun."
Rey didn't want to hear that. She sighed.
"So what I'll do," Kandia explained as the tech cleaned up and wheeled her cart out, "is take a look at your last ultrasound to compare where you were at yesterday. I'll also call your doctor and tell her what we found."
"But this is good news, right? It means she was right, doesn't it?" Ben chimed in.
"It does look like then, yes."
"So is there a reason a leak wouldn't show on that other test you guys ran?" he pressed.
Kandia looked at him and made a speculative expression. "Well, she did say she took a shower, which might have washed most of it away. Or the baby could have blocked the leak so she hasn't had much more coming out since then. The test is not one hundred percent accurate either, so there are a few reasons."
Rey swallowed. She felt like she was going to cry again — from relief this time. From the overwhelming feeling of validation.
Perhaps Kandia misread the mistiness in her eyes because she hurried to reassure her. "Don't worry, hun, if your fluids are this low, I'm sure your doctor will have you stay regardless of what you last scan says. Don't hold this against me if I turn out to be wrong, but experience tells me you're probably going to be induced today."
Rey nodded, wiping at her eyes impatiently again. Damn weepiness popping up all the time. Her emotions were haywire.
"I'm going to go talk to her. I'll be right back, okay?"
"Thank you," Ben told her.
Some half hour later she returned with news. She'd spoken to Holdo. There was definitely a leak, and they were definitely going to induce — as long as Rey was willng.
"Yes," Rey said immediately. "Yes, let's do it."
Kandia smiled a warm, genuine smile. "Looks like you're having a baby, then, Rey."
"Finally." She closed her eyes. Finally.
Ben breathed a soft sigh of relief too. When she opened her eyes and glanced his direction, he drew a deep breath and gave her a satisfied nod. The end of this bizarre period of their lives had reached its end. Another would begin.
Kandia was all business. "Alright, so we're going to get you all checked in. Are you comfortable in this room? Okay to stay here?"
"Yes," said Rey.
"Great. Now, since this is your first time, the induction process could take a while. I'll be here to explain everything, don't worry. You've got me until six when my shift changes, and I'll make sure you get a really great replacement, I promise."
At first, it was all very banal. They officially admitted her for an induction and got all the paperwork out of the way for that. Ben went to the car to get the bags while Rey went to the bathroom and then had her vitals taken. Kandia checked and confirmed Addisyn's dismal appraisal of the situation down south, no dilation or effacement. She got Rey hooked up to a couple monitors on elastic bands that strapped around her distended belly — one to monitor baby's heartbeat, and one to monitor contractions. It was nice to hear Olive's cheerful little cadence rhythmically pulsing through the room. Kandia then gave Rey an oral medication called Cytotec.
"This is to help ripen your cervix," she said. "Like I said, this is going to be a long process. We'll check you again after four hours to see if you've progressed. If not, you'll get a second dose. The good news is that you're free to move around and be up and about while we wait for this. You can even eat, if you want. In fact I recommend it, since it could be a long time until we start you on the Pitocin."
Rey balked at the idea that they had a possible eight hours to go doing nothing at all but waiting— eight hours before they even attempted trying to start labor. But she was hungry, and well — what else could she do?
"Do you want hospital food or real food?" Ben asked when Kandia left again.
"Real food," she said immediately. "Definitely real food."
"Alright. I'll have someone bring us some."
"It's going to be a long time. You could go get it, I wouldn't mind."
"Nice try, but I don't feel good about leaving you alone right now."
She rolled her eyes affectionately. "The mean nurse won't come back."
"I don't think she will either, but I'm still not going to do it. It's for my own peace of mind."
Which was how, an hour later, they ended up with Finn trundling into the room with a spooked expression, carrying a bag of food from a local farm-to-table cafe. It had been Ben's insistence that she eat something energizing and healthy, and not greasy garbage that wouldn't fuel her for the ordeal ahead.
She wanted to be annoyed by this overbearance, but she wasn't. She loved feeling this cared for.
So she happily ate her soothing, autumnally-appropriate creamy butternut squash pasta and chatted with Finn. Ben inhaled his roasted sweet potato, apple, and sausage bowl and then stepped out to call his mom back to inform her of the situation, as well as Luke to explain why he wouldn't be back in the office.
"Might as well send a group text to everyone while you're at it," Finn called after him. "Hux has us all thinking you're in crisis."
Ben waved in acknowledgement before stepping out. Rey could hear his voice muffled through the door when he got a hold of his mother. He didn't go far.
"So you ready for this?" Finn asked her.
"No," Rey admitted. "I mean, yes for this, right now, today. Ready to face it. But not ready for the life that comes after."
"Right," Finn said softly. "The part where you're a mom. The part where you and him raise a kid together."
He motioned towards the door. Rey followed the movement and nodded once. That was the part she didn't know how to imagine. From the very beginning of all this, it was clear Ben wanted to be a very involved father. He wanted this dad gig. He'd be really good at it, she knew. And he had good strong foundations for it in his own family. He'd probably be a consistent, firm-but-gentle disciplinarian. He'd set up that healthy kind of structure kids thrived in, and he'd be affection too. Rey could imagine him being a dad very easily. She liked to do it often. But when she thought of herself as a mom — she drew a blank. She didn't know what kind of mother she'd be at all.
The only mother she had to look at as an example was Leia, and Rey had no idea what she was like when Ben was little. When he threw tantrums, how did she handle it? When she was tired, what did she do?
A glib, cynical part of her thought Leia probably had a nanny for things like that.
She didn't know what came after she got Olive in her arms. And she didn't like to think about it too much, because it made her anxious.
Finn sensed some awkwardness in her silence because he rallied a smile and said, "But one thing at a time though, right?"
"Right," said Rey softly. "At the moment, I'm just focusing on getting her here."
"Yeah, not gonna lie, that's the part that scares the ever living fuck outta me. Good luck with that."
Rey laughed. "Thanks."
"Poe and I will come visit when it's all over. I really don't want to be here when you're...when it's happening."
"I definitely don't want you here either."
"No, I mean I don't want to be in the building. Even the parking lot might be too close."
That startled another laugh out of her. "Why?"
"Just the idea of what you're going through, or that I might hear you scream or something..." he shuddered. "Nah. No thanks. I'm grateful my partner can't actually give birth because I can't be anywhere near that."
Warmth and affection bubbled in Rey's chest. "I'll tell Ben to let you know when it's safe to come visit."
"Excellent, thanks," said Finn with a relieved smile.
He didn't stay long. Rey could see how jumpy he was just being there, so she gave him mercy and pretended she was going to nap so he could have an excuse to leave after only a few minutes. When he'd gone, Ben came back in. His mother and father were standing to know when they should come sit in the waiting room — even if it was the middle of the night.
"My dad's all worried about you," Ben chuckled, gathering Rey's food trash and discarding it. "It's kind of sweet, actually."
"That's really sweet." Rey swallowed by another surge of emotion at that, deeply touched that someone (besides Ben) cared enough about her to be worried. She had her friends, of course, but it felt different coming from a parental figure.
Ben gave her a knowing look, but spared her by not commenting on it.
After Finn left, things got...really boring for a while.
There was no action, no excitement, only the steady whooshing of Olive's heartbeat on the monitor. So they watched Cool Hand Luke on the hospital's movie channel, and afterward Ben pulled the Switch out of his bag and got out the two exercise balls from the closet. They each sat on one and put the Switch on the foot of the bed. Rey opened her legs wide and rolled her hips around the ball a bit before bouncing her way through several rounds of Mario Kart, willing the pressure against her cervix to open it up.
In all the scenarios she'd envisioned of labor, she didn't think she'd be laughing this much.
But she did. She laughed a lot. Particularly trying to beat Ben. She was the reigning Mario Kart champion, but he'd made it his life's mission to take her crown, and he'd gotten better over the last couple years. They got pretty competitive — and loud.
At one point Kandia came in to readjust the heart monitor, which Rey in all her bouncing and karting enthusiasm had dislodged. She laughed when she saw what they were doing.
"In my whole career I don't think I've ever heard this much laughing in a labor room. People will think we're the psych ward, not the birthing ward."
Rey grinned sheepishly. "Sorry. Are we being too rowdy?"
"Nope, you're just fine. A happy mama means happy baby and happy nurses. You just keep doing what you're doing. Do you need anything? Can I bring some water or juice?"
"Water would be great," said Rey.
Kandia nodded. "Ben?"
"Same," he said with a little smile.
"I'll bring those and then I'll come check your progress in about half an hour."
Ben won two races in that half hour. Rey won three.
Her humor and elation suffered a setback when Kandia came back in and conducted another digital exam. She had trouble reaching too, and had Rey put her fists under her rump to tilt her pelvis to a better angle.
"Maybe a two," she said. "Not as much progress as we'd want to see. We'll do a second dose and wait another four hours to see how you do, okay?"
That was definitely disheartening. Rey nodded and sighed. "Are we trying to force it and it just isn't going to happen?"
Kandia smiled a little. "It will happen. Your cervix is very protective of its cargo, it's doing a good job of keeping her safe. It just needs a bit of persuasion now that this is the right time. Don't worry, honey. We'll get your baby out and this will all be over soon."
Rey didn't really feel like she had much right to complain. Hanging out in a warm room while an autumn storm blustered through, playing games and watching movies? There were worse ways to spend an afternoon. Never mind that she kept getting up to pee. Never mind that the anxiety of wanting something to happen kept nagging at her mind.
So she took a nap, and Ben worked on some emails. She answered the group text where everyone was freaking out, demanding updates from Ben. They played more Switch and caught up on Matt the Radar Technician.
6:10 PM (18:10)
At six, Kandia introduced them to Miranda, the nurse taking over their shift.
"We're waiting for a second dose of cytotec to do its magic," she explained to Miranda during the handoff. "But they've been my easiest patients by far. Just in here playing racing games."
"Nice!" Miranda said approvingly. "I'm a total gamer in my time off. I think we're going to get along great."
Ben was uneasy having a change of nurses, no doubt concerned they'd get another Addisyn, but Miranda proved cheerful and helpful and kind. Her youth made her energetic, her attitude infectiously sunny. She told Rey it was alright to eat again, and brought Ben some smuggled donuts someone had left for the nurses. She had longer fingers too and was able to reach better during the cervix checks.
"Good news!" she said happily. "You're about a four. I'm going to call your doctor, but I bet she'll want to put you on the pit."
Rey breathed a sigh of relief. Real progress could finally happen now.
They came in a few minutes later to insert her IV, which thus far was the most unpleasant part of the whole experience. She winced when they pieced the vein of her wrist, and it continued to burn for a couple minutes after they'd taped it all down and got her saline drip going. They started the Pitocin on a slow flow at first.
"You let us know when you're ready for the epidural," Miranda told her. "Don't wait until it's really bad either, because it could take a few minutes to get someone from anesthesiology down here, so when you start to feel like it's a little more unpleasant than you like, give me a heads up."
Rey nodded. She didn't really know what to expect in that department. The Braxton Hicks contractions she'd felt were not fun, but they hadn't really led to labor, so she wasn't sure if she should trust that experience.
"From now on we'll just have you chew ice, okay? Just in case we need to rush you in for surgery, we don't want anything in your stomach. That won't happen, but it's just a precaution we have to take. And once we do the epidural, you won't be able to get out of bed. So feel free to move around as much as you want right now. Take the IV tree with you, of course," Miranda encouraged.
So Rey did. She went to the bathroom seven hundred times, it felt like, with an IV constantly taxing the limits of her compressed bladder. She sat on the couch with Ben for a bit, legs up on his lap while they talked about the house — which they were supposed to close on tomorrow. He wasn't worried. He said they could do it remotely if needed.
They did another round of Mario kart on the balls until the twinges and cramping began to be more than Rey could handle, and she got back in bed to curl up on her side and rest. Ben tucked a mountain of pillows around her to support her back and belly, and then dragged his chair over next to her. He held her hand while they browsed the hospital movie channel again and settled on the Jennifer Ehle/Colin Firth BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. It was a comfort movie for Rey. She loved it best of all the versions, and could mostly listen while she drifted in and out of focus, becoming increasingly aware of the waves of pain radiating down her spine and through her abdomen.
Olive churned restlessly.
Almost there, Rey told her, tuning back in to the Bennet sisters and their quaint country dance.
"So is this what growing in England was like for you?" Ben asked with a little smirk.
"Of course it was. I only started wearing pants when I came over here to the Wild West cowboy world."
He laughed. Rey grinned — and then felt a distinct gush of something warm and wet between her legs. She gasped and sat up, the movement pushing another generous flood out of her.
"What is it?" Ben asked in alarm.
"I think — I think my water just broke."
"All the way this time?"
Yet more was coming out of her now. She nodded, pressing the call button on the side of her bed. "Yeah, definitely all the way."
"Hi," a voice chirped from the speaker.
"Hi — um, I think my water just broke," Rey told her.
"I'll send Miranda right in!"
A moment later she came, a wide smile on her face. "This is good news! We're really on our way now! Labor usually progresses a lot faster after your water breaks. The contractions can really start to work on baby."
"I didn't know it would happen," Rey said as Miranda checked out the situation below. "I was leaking this morning. I thought maybe it would all be gone by now."
"Sometimes you can have a little tear, but baby's head blocks it so you don't get much more out than the initial leak. She probably moved a little, and the pressure turned that tear into a full break." Miranda cleaned her up and had her roll over so she could change out the absorbent pad beneath her as well as the top sheet.
Ben was on his feet, looking anxious. His hands fluttered a little at his side, like he didn't know what to do with himself. Rey reached out and caught one, giving him a reassuring smile.
"Hey, it's okay," she said.
"You're alright?" His lips rolled in an uneasy pout, brow tense.
"I'm fine. It was gross, but it didn't hurt."
"And Olive? She's fine?"
"Heartbeat is steady as a drum!" Miranda said happily. "Doesn't seem like she's in distress."
"Okay." He nodded once to himself and slowly lowered himself back down into his chair. "Okay."
Miranda glanced at the screen and grinned. "Did your water break for Mister Darcy?"
Rey laughed. "Is that how it works?"
"No, it's not," Miranda giggled. "But what a thought, huh? He's a dream."
"I like that everyone thinks he's so broody, cold, and aloof, but really he's marshmallow soft and warm as a blanket fresh out of the dryer," Rey said, glancing at Ben.
The silly fool, totally oblivious. He was still watching Miranda with a worried little pucker between his brows.
"Ben," Rey told him gently. "You need dinner."
"I'm fine."
"No, you need to eat. It's eight o'clock. Just because I can't eat doesn't mean you shouldn't."
"I'll just get something from the vending machine."
"What? The oh-so-healthy Ben Solo eating junk?" Rey laughed. "You don't want that."
"I don't," he admitted, his mouth finally twitching into a little grin. "I definitely don't."
Miranda had Rey lean back and frog her legs again for another cervical check. Her fingers slid easily through the residual amniotic slick. "You've got time if you want to go to the cafeteria, Ben, or even out to a nearby restaurant. I'd say you're a five, Rey."
"A five?" Rey frowned. "Only halfway?"
"You'll probably go faster now that your water has broken," Miranda soothed. "How are you doing pain-wise?"
"I'm fine," she sighed. "Nothing I can't handle."
"Okay, just remember, nobody hands out medals for how much pain you put yourself through." She smirked teasingly. "So keep that in mind before you go for gold, sweetie."
Rey smiled. "I won't, I promise."
After Miranda left again, Ben fretted a little more about whether or not to go get food. Rey finally persuaded him, and napped a little in the quiet while she was alone. It helped stave off the cycle of thoughts following the pattern of contractions — moments of excitement and anticipation followed by pits of fear and uncertainty; circling moments of feeling fine, and valleys of clenching pain. She dozed fitfully and dreamed of escaping the hospital, leaving everything behind and running to a new life where she didn't have to do this. Didn't have to give birth. But she didn't really want that either. She wanted this life. She wanted Ben, and their baby, and the family she never got to have.
She woke bathed in sweat. Ben was walking through the door again, no food in hand. He saw her cringing and ran to her.
"What's wrong?"
"Hurts," she whimpered.
The rise of each contraction built, crested, and ebbed exactly like a wave — but now they were stronger. They didn't just ripple through her lower back or clench through her stomach like a bad menstrual cramp. They flooded her senses, hijacking her awareness as her stomach roiled and her breath faltered.
"Do you want me to call Miranda?" he asked. "Do you want the epidural?"
Knowing it could be a while before they got the anesthesiologist here, Rey nodded. She could endure this for a while longer, knowing relief would soon come. She'd survived intense discomfort before. The pain of starvation was excruciating too, and she'd never forgotten it, no matter how many years into regular eating she'd gotten away from those bad days. She had strength in her that no one knew of. Not even Ben. She could get through this.
At least until the epidural arrived. Because there were no medals. And because she wanted to save her strength for the end.
Miranda summoned the anesthesiologist and told Rey it would be about fifteen minutes.
"What did you eat?" Rey asked Ben to try to distract herself. The contractions were some five minutes apart now, very regular, very strong.
"I got a chicken salad from the cafeteria," he said. "It wasn't good."
"A salad?" She grimaced.
"I'm a little queasy," he told her, looking a little guilty at the confession. "I didn't want anything too heavy."
"You're allowed to be queasy, Ben," she told him with some amusement.
"Pretty sure that's not true."
She wanted to tell him that it was okay for him to be overwhelmed by this too, that his emotions on the brink of this cataclysm were valid too, but another contraction gripped her and stole her words in a crush of breathlessness. She gasped, cringed, tried to remind herself to keep breathing through it. Slow, streams of air blowing through tight lips.
"Maybe you should moo," Ben suggested, earning himself a deadly glare which made him grin. "I could press on your back and you could bellow until the anesthesiologist gets here."
"Ha ha, you're so funny," she said sarcastically when she could talk again.
He laughed. She finally did too, a little.
Leia was right. The epidural wasn't as bad as she'd feared it would be. The anesthesiologist, Joph, was friendly and professional and conversational. Rey sat on the side of the bed. Miranda maneuvered Ben into position in font of her, sitting on a stool. They had Rey arch over her belly and brace herself on him, curling her spine into an ideal position.
"Don't pass out on me," she warned him when she saw his gaze flick behind her and widen almost imperceptibly. He'd gone a little paler than normal.
"I won't." His coal-dark eyes were back on hers. "But you should know that I really love you."
"Because I'm letting someone stab my spine with a needle to give you a baby? Yeah, you better."
He grinned one of his big Ben grins.
There was a slight sting at the initial poke, and then a really weird feeling of something threading into her back.
"Okay it might feel a little cold at first," Joph warned her. And a second later, an icy trickle ran through her spine. Rey's eyes widened.
"Wow, that's uh...unique."
"Is it bad?" Ben asked.
"No. Just really strange."
Joph finished taping everything down against her back and then Rey was allowed to move back on the bed. Her legs were already tingling. He gave her a button that would allow her to administer more doses as needed herself.
"You can't overdose, so don't worry about that," he joked.
The medication worked quickly. Soon, her legs were tingling like they'd fallen asleep. A few minutes later, Miranda put in the catheter and then Rey was set. She didn't need to hobble to the bathroom every five minutes anymore, and the pain of her contractions were subsiding, fading to the background.
She still felt them. Each one. She felt the tightening through her middle, the squeeze of her muscles, but it didn't hurt. And maybe for the first time since arriving, she really started to relax. Everything was going to be fine.
Ben seemed to relax right along with her, and they were able to get halfway through the six hour mini-series before the day caught up to her and Rey finally drifted into surprisingly restful sleep.
11:45 PM (23:45)
Rey woke up an undetermined amount of time later when Miranda came to introduce the night nurse, Natalie. They determined she'd progressed to a six, and showed Ben, who was awkwardly trying to squeeze himself onto the couch, how it pulled out into a bed. They then shut off the main lights, leaving only softly illuminated auxiliary lights, and left them to sleep the rest of the night.
It wasn't the greatest sleep of her life, but Rey hadn't known a good night for several weeks now. She often woke three or four times in the night to pee, and her body always ached and hurt and kept her up. So to be freed from the bathroom visits and with the epidural easing her discomfort, she rested more comfortably than she had in a long time.
4:30 AM (October 20)
Until the nausea crept up. It built slowly in her awareness, pulling her up and out of blessed oblivion with the dim but growing certainty that she was going to vomit. Though she couldn't feel the pain of her contractions, her body understood the stress of the situation anyway and responded accordingly. She woke with a gasp and struggled to sit up, gagging already.
Ben was out of bed in a flash, grabbing a sick bag from the counter where he'd joked about them earlier. He arrived just in time. While Rey spilled the meager contents of her stomach, mostly just bile at this point, into the bag, he called for Natalie.
Throwing up in the middle of intense contractions was not something Rey ever wanted to experience without an epidural. The way her whole body committed to the task, she imagined it was probably painful. She fell back against her pillow and closed her eyes, grimacing against the taste in her mouth.
Natalie gave her ice chips and a little dose of Zofran to curb repeat performances.
"What time is it?" Rey asked hazily.
"Four thirty," said Ben, rubbing his eyes.
Four thirty in the morning. Such a strange, surreal time to experience a tipping point. But it was the tipping point. Natalie whisked away the sick bag and promised to come back in a few minutes to check Rey's dilation again. When she did return, she happily reported that Rey was at an eight, and that some of it was likely due to vomiting.
"It's amazing how that works," she said. "It happens a lot. Someone will be slow to progress and then once they puke they just opened right up."
And open up she did. Rey could feel it. The contractions were no longer primarily contained to her abdomen, but now she felt them in her vagina itself. And it was painful there. She hit her epidural button a few times, but it couldn't ease the mounting pressure in the worst place between her legs.
6:00 AM
By six, she was soaked in sweat again and buried under pillows to disguise her writhing, plagued by a strange kind of torment she couldn't escape. They were all on top of each other now, the contractions. She would just come down from one, shuddering with relief, when another would start again. She tried to widen her legs to soothe the pain in her passage, but she couldn't really move them very well on her own, and anyway it didn't help. Nothing helped.
Ben was beside himself. When a pathetic little whimper slipped out of her, he lost it and ran into the hall in search of anyone who could help.
Natalie came in with Kandia again, who was back on the morning shift.
"Looks like you're in transition," Kandia said sympathetically. "Can we check?"
"I want to push," Rey gasped. "Please."
She didn't know how exactly she knew that this is what she wanted, but she knew. Her body wanted it. She had to relief the pressure. Pushing would do it. Kandia reached, but her fingertips barely dipped inside before she pulled her hand back, eyes wide.
"Yeah, you're a ten. It's showtime. Your doctor is almost here — Natalie called her. She was already on her way. Seems like she's been getting some text updates from someone during the night." She paused for emphasis. Rey barely managed to peek over at Ben. He didn't look the least bit ashamed. Kandia huffed an amused sound and continued. "In the meantime, why don't we start pushing, yeah?"
"Please," Rey said again, drawing a slow, labored breath as tears leaked out of her eyes. The pain was sort of like the most urgent bowel movement she'd ever had in her life, but worse.
Natalie vanished and then it was only Kandia and Ben. She showed Ben where to be, beside Rey, helping to support one of her legs while Kandia supported the other.
"Okay, Rey, you tell us when you think you're ready. When you feel the contraction coming on. Then you're going to draw a deep breath, hold it for six to eight seconds, whatever feels more comfortable, and bear down. Then you let the air out and rest until the next contraction. Okay? You're in control here, sweetie, whatever feels right to you."
Rey nodded. Her heart thundered in her chest, and yes, she was a little nervous, but mostly she felt ready. She wanted this. She'd never expected to want this, but she wanted it. It was time.
So when the next unbearable feeling bloomed between her legs again, she nodded at Kandia, drew a deep breath, and — and what? These were muscles she wasn't sure how to use. So she pushed the way she knew, and was immediately dizzy. She lasted six seconds and then had to stop.
"I feel like I'm going to pass out," she panted.
"So you're probably pushing with too much of your diaphragm. It's too much pressure in your head. Push with your lower muscles," Kandia instructed.
Rey grimaced. She didn't know what that meant, but she'd try anyway.
On the second push, she found them. And God Almighty it felt so good to push with those ones. Relief flooded through her and the pain ebbed with it. She lasted eight seconds with that one, and let go in a triumphant breath.
"That was impressive," Kandia said, looking surprised and a little spooked. "We shouldn't have you do too many of those before your doctor gets here, or this baby will be born without her."
Ben stroked hair back from Rey's face. She looked up at him. He swallowed hard and shook his head, apparently at a loss for words.
"You okay?" she laughed softly.
"Just in awe of you," he said a little brokenly.
Kandia wiped Rey's splayed center down with a towel that definitely came away bloody. Rey's attention snapped back to Ben, eyes widening.
"Is it a war zone?"
His mouth quirked. "Yes."
"Are you traumatized?"
He chuckled. "Not yet."
"Am I..." She blushed. Everything down there felt the same. "am I doing something embarrassing?"
"No, you haven't crapped the bed, Rey," he said, finally breaking into a real laugh.
Kandia laughed too. "It's totally normal if you do. I won't even tell you about it. But you haven't had anything to eat in a long time, so I wouldn't worry too much."
The nurse kept her eyes on the the contraction monitor. Rey could feel it coming without needing the visual confirmation. She grit her teeth. "Again."
Despite her fears of Rey delivering without Holdo there, Kandia nodded and counted Rey through another push.
"Do you want a mirror?" she asked. "You're doing amazing."
"No," Rey said immediately when she caught her breath again. "I don't want to see."
She didn't need to see. She could feel everything happening. She could feel how open she was, the darkest depths of her bared for the world to see. She could feel the enormous mass lodged there, the pressure of Olive's exit buzzing raw in every nerve like a live wire. She didn't want to see the blood and carnage. She wanted to be in this moment, in her own body, and feel the ancient strength of all her maternal ancestors flowing through her.
Because she could feel them.
She could feel the primal awareness of womanhood in every push.
6:38 AM
This concentration was broken a moment later when the lovely lavender waves of Amilyn Holdo came striding into the room, donned in gray scrubs and blue gloves. She smiled her reserved, modest smile at them as an assembly of nurses came in after her.
"Rey. Ben. How are we holding up?"
"She's doing great," Kandia told her. "She's super strong."
Kandia was kind. She probably said that about all her maternity patients. But Rey felt a deep burn of pride anyway. She could do this. She was an even match for this challenge.
"We're good," Rey told Holdo. "I'm ready."
"I can see that," Holdo said approvingly. A few of the other nurses did something crazy with the bed, dropping the bottom third away and laying out absorbent pads everywhere. Holdo sat on a stool and rolled to the catcher's position. "Ben? How are you doing?"
"I'm fine," he said softly.
"Not feeling a little light-headed?"
"No."
"Good. Thank you for keeping me up to speed, by the way." She settled into business, appraising the situation in front of her. "So to confirm what's going to happen: Rey, you're going to push exactly the way you've been doing so far, alright? Rest between contractions. We don't want you getting too exhausted. Don't force it. As soon as she's out, we'll put her on your chest and we're delaying the cord cutting by a few minutes, is that right?"
Rey was being pulled into another awful wave of pain, but she let this one go without doing anything about it. "Mm-hmm," she mumbled instead, grimacing and trying to remember how to breathe.
"Alright. When you're ready then, Rey." Holdo rubbed a finger along Rey's perineum, pressing just slightly, stretching it just a little. It wasn't a very nice feeling, but Rey didn't tell her to stop. She knew the reason for it.
"Ready."
Once again, Rey bore down, shutting out the room and all its inhabitants, focusing in only on herself and the force of her body. She dimly heard Kandia counting to eight, holding each second in her mind. At the last, she let go and exhaled.
"Very good. Wow, I don't think we'll be here very long," Holdo said, sounding genuinely surprised.
"You're good at this," Kandia told Rey with a bright smile.
Holdo glanced up. A nurse wiped Rey clean of another gush of fluid while Holdo kept rubbing and pressing the perineum. "Your mom didn't try to be in the room, Ben?"
"She didn't." He cleared his throat at Holdo's sound of surprise. "Yeah, that's what we thought too."
"Well good for her." Holdo paused as Rey indicated she was ready again. When that push was over, she picked right up where she left off. "Some people want the whole world in the room with them. I once delivered a baby where both sets of parents, all siblings, and even one sister's boyfriend were all in the room. Plus a photographer."
Rey laughed. "That sounds awful."
"It was very strange. And very crowded," Holdo agreed.
"I think I helped you with that delivery," said another of the nurses.
Holdo glanced up again. "I mean, whatever the person giving birth wants is fine. Personally, I think it's most appropriate to have only the ones involved in conception actually be in the room."
"I agree," said Ben.
Rey grinned. A silly feeling ran through her, a wild, surreal feeling at the knowledge that they were all just sitting around chatting like it was no big deal that another person was literally coming into the world right now. Rey wondered vaguely if any of the women at that natural birth class had ever experienced so relaxed and casual a birth moment as this before. A burst of happiness welled in her chest, right before the onslaught of another contraction.
For the next few minutes they continued this way, pausing for a bit of pushing, then talking more. Holdo told them about the craziest names she'd ever heard, like a baby boy named B'Crimefighter, or a baby girl named Revocate.
"People are ridiculous with names," Kandia agreed. "I helped deliver a baby they named Kytie. Not Katie, not Kylie, Kytie."
"What did you guys decide on?" one of the other nurses asked. "Hopefully we haven't offended you!"
"Olive," Rey said. "Her name is Olive."
The nurses cooed almost in unison. Holdo smiled a private little smile, her gaze barely flickering to Ben.
"We're not offended," Rey added before focusing in on the next push.
One, two, three
"Wow, that's fantastic!"
Four, five, six
"She's really coming."
Seven, eight
"Almost there. I think one more push and she'll be out."
Nine, ten.
A soft noise from Ben made Rey pop her eyes open as she exhaled, letting go of her iron-grip on her muscles. It felt good to hold it those couple seconds longer, though now she had a whole different issue, which was a stinging, horrible stretching sensation right at her entrance.
"I can see her," he whispered, so softly Rey didn't know if anyone but her had heard it. His gaze was stuck on the place of horror, but instead of alarm she saw only soft wonder. "She has dark hair."
"A lot of hair," Holdo agreed. "Rey, I think one more big push should do it."
Ben turned his attention to his wife, his eyes meeting hers in an exhilarated, awe-struck look. In dizzy, high euphoria, Rey realized he was looking at a goddess. That she was the goddess. And they both knew it. The next contraction built quickly, snatching away her glory. He leaned over to kiss her forehead. "Are you ready?"
She nodded.
Time to meet their daughter.
When the next contraction came, Rey met it with the determination of a lioness. She used those newfound muscles and bore down ferociously, gritting her teeth and stifling a sound that tried to claw its way out of her throat, aware of every inch of Olive's crown splitting her wide open.
7:02 AM
"That's it," Holdo said, "keep pushing, keep going…"
Ten turned into twelve, and Rey held it longer than the others, losing track of the seconds, until her lungs burned. The pressure mounted to an absolutely unbearable level, and she wanted to tell someone that it really kriffing hurt, a new meaning given to the "ring of fire" expression. But then Ben inhaled a sharp gasp just as the everything released.
A rush. A flood. A gush of relief as the overwhelming, enormous pressure lightened all at once, sliding out in a slippery tangle of limbs and drawing breath back into her chest even as a smaller set of lungs filled for the first time. Like a spark of lightning. And then—
A tiny cry.