Synopsis: Home at last
A/U: I apologize that it's been nearly a month since I updated. My goal is to finish, or nearly finish, these remaining chapters this coming week so you don't have to wait anymore. Thank you so much for the support. You guys are overwhelmingly sweet, and I love you.
CHAPTER TWENTY SIX
When Ben was fifteen, his scout troop went backpacking in the high mountains for three days. The second day found them making camp at the highest spot in their journey when the clouds came rolling in. With very little shelter but a small cluster of boulders, the boys scrambled to take cover and not become french fries on the exposed peak. Ben hit the deck and rolled under a boulder just as a massive boom of sound exploded with light and extinguished all his senses.
He thought at first that he'd died. He saw nothing but darkness, heard nothing but ringing in his ears. Later he'd learned the lightning had struck about fifty yards away and the scouts had all suffered minor secondary electrocution from the radius along the ground.
At the time, Ben didn't know this. He only knew a vast void and the frantic pounding of his own, desperately alive heart.
The moment Olive cried, Ben felt that strike again.
It cracked him wide open, obliterating everything that came before, until there was only the vast void, the frantic pounding of his own, desperately inadequate heart, and the sound of her voice.
And he didn't know if or when his senses would ever return.
Those three days in the hospital were a strange, surreal fever dream. His whole mental closet, all his carefully re-organized boxes, had been blown to bits. He didn't have a mental mess left on his hands, just a wide yawning space where Rey and Olive and every swirling too-big feeling alone existed.
They learned to be okay with Olive in the nursery. He reminded himself that she was well-cared for there, because he saw how important it was for Rey to rest at night, and how much easier it was to do that when the nurses had her.
During the day, though, he liked to keep her close. His tiny, vulnerable little thing, with squishy cheeks and this delicate little chin puckered beneath solemn lips. She was miraculously beautiful. Ben had never seen anything that made him feel more terrified or more alive at the same time.
He didn't know how to be what she needed, but dammit, he'd try.
As afraid as he was, he couldn't help it when he looked into her tiny face and his heart melted into a puddle on the floor. How her itty bitty yawns made his stomach lurch with adoration, or how her little fingers curled into fists at her mouth made him marvel. Everything she did was enchanting, except when she cried, because that part was heartbreaking.
Ben had to actively remind himself to be chill and let her be in her bassinet sometimes. Whenever she wasn't with her mother, he wanted her tucked safely into his arm. It still felt strange and foreign to hold her, but less strange and less foreign when he held the burrito to his chest and she fell asleep against him. Even less stranger still when he held her with one hand in the crook of his arm like a football while he watched a movie on his tablet and Rey napped.
They told him sometimes it could take fathers a little longer to bond with their babies, because they didn't share the flood of hormones a new mother had, and they had no physical connection to the child until after birth.
Ben didn't feel that. His heart recognized this wee girl with every thunderous beat. He loved her, as surely as if he'd been anticipating her all his life.
It made his throat ache and his eyes sting sometimes when he looked into her face and thought about the strangely familiar depth of his feelings.
Yes, Olive was the lightning strike that set his world alight.
But he could bear the shock, because Rey was the anchor that kept him grounded. If being near his baby made him feel wildly out of depth and afraid and exhilarated, being near her mother made him feel safe, sane, capable. Even though he watched her go through one of the worst goddamn things he'd ever seen in his life (his father hadn't been exaggerating about the trauma permanently etched into his brain) she carried about her a deeply satisfied, pleased demeanor. It was calming to be around her. She exuded warmth in the soft sketch of her smile, the tenderness in her familiar hazel eyes. She seemed happy. Content.
And looking after her recovery was familiar enough ground that he found his footing.
Three years ago, Rey had contracted a pretty nasty case of influenza. Rose had gone off with Hux and Gwen to England to visit their parents, and Finn was swamped with projects for a new job. Ben told himself that's why she texted him to ask if he could bring some meds, instead of one of them. He told himself that he wasn't her first attempt, that Rose and Finn were her other two best friends. He had a girlfriend at the time, and he knew as soon as he got the text that it would cause issues. Kelsey was already pretty sensitive where Rey was concerned. Even though Ben didn't text or call her much while in a relationship, it couldn't be helped that when the group got together, people would invariably bring up stories about the two of them. Inside jokes. Things that hinted at more than a casual friend. In fact Kelsey once accused Ben of being a liar when she asked if he'd ever dated Rey before.
So when he got the text apologizing a hundred times and telling him she could ask Poe or Jess or someone else to pick up her meds from the pharmacy, Ben knew he couldn't tell Kelsey about wanting to go help her. Instead, he ended the relationship. It wasn't one of his proudest moments, but he didn't really care that much. He figured it was due to inescapable moral bankruptcy. He told her he felt like the relationship was a dead-end, and he was ready to move on. She called him a slew of hateful things and left in a huff. As soon as she was gone, Ben gathered up everything he thought he'd need to soothe a terrible flu, stopped by the pharmacy, and camped out in Rey's apartment contentedly nursing her back to health.
He didn't regret a thing about that experience. Even when Kelsey tried to launch a smear campaign against him with his own friends, with some moderate success with the likes of Tallie, Jessika, and Finn. Even when his own mother called to ask him why she'd gotten a call from an upset girl demanding she speak to her son about just abruptly ending relationships out of nowhere.
Ben told her that he wasn't interested anymore, which was true, but he did not tell his mother what had prompted his sudden decision to break up.
It had been worth it.
Caring for Rey now wasn't quite like tending to her flu. For one, she was a great deal more coherent and stubbornly determined to do things for herself. And for another, she had an army of nurses checking on her constantly and plying her with mild analgesics when she required them. But Ben recognized other signals that alerted him to unspoken needs. They were quieter than a stuffy noise or barking cough. Like when she rubbed her eyes a certain way, trying to scrub off the subtle tinge of melancholy in them. Or when she thought he wasn't looking and prodded at her soft, saggy belly. Or when she picked at her food but didn't wolf it down. These were waving flags, indicators that recovery meant more than just taking care of stitches and getting enough hydration.
He wasn't always sure how to help, but it gave him a sense of purpose to try anyway.
Sleep helped the melancholy, he'd learned. Cuddling on the big bed and kissing her silly could distract her from displeasure about her altered body. The food thing he still hadn't figured out. On the one hand, it too seemed to be tied to sleep — she ate better after getting a good nap — but on the other, it seemed to come and go in waves too. When she nursed, she was ravenous. She'd order a hospital meal with as many side dishes as they allowed. But sometimes, when she wasn't, she acted like food was too much a chore.
Still, on the whole, Ben was in awe of how well she seemed to be bouncing back after such a harrowing ordeal. Harrowing from his perspective, anyway.
Holdo seemed to agree too.
"I'm really happy with your physical recovery so far," she declared when she came for one final check-in on their last day. "The emotions will likely be rocky for a while, but you seem good."
"I am," Rey said with an encouraging grin. "I feel good most of the time."
"I have to say, you're both definitely some of my most relaxed new parents. You seem like you already know what you're doing."
Did they? That was good. Ben was definitely riding some edge between being okay and totally freaking out at any given moment, but if that wasn't translating in manic, nervous behavior, so much the better. Rey, though, yeah. He could definitely see that. That infectious calm she radiated. She made him feel like everything was going to be okay.
"Now," said Holdo, swiveling a little on her rolling stool beside the bed. "Let's talk what comes next. I want to see you at the office in two weeks, understand? We'll check your stitches and talk about your mental health and just generally make sure you're doing okay. And then I want to see you again at six weeks. You need to think of this time as the fourth trimester. The postpartum period is just as important as any other stage in the pregnancy, and your body's going to go through a lot of changes. Do you have support?"
"Yes," Rey said immediately. She glanced a Ben. "We've got a village."
Holdo smiled. "Good. Not that I had any doubts Leia will try to be as involved in your lives as possible."
Ben snorted. His mother had come by every day, though he hadn't yet let her today. He told her to wait until they were home.
"I'm grateful for her help," Rey laughed.
"Let's talk sex." Holdo glanced at Ben. "No sex for at least six weeks, got it? She needs time to heal."
"Understood," Ben said immediately. He'd literally watched Rey's body come apart before his very eyes. He wasn't about to do something as asinine as insist on male needs. However long she needed, he would wait.
Holdo put a hand up to her mouth and stage-whispered to Rey, "We tell that to fathers to keep them away. But listen to your body. I don't recommend it before three weeks, but any time you feel ready after that, just take it slow and trust your body to tell you what's okay."
Rey grinned. "Got it."
"And be careful," Holdo emphasized, eyes widening with significance. "It's a myth that breastfeeding is effective birth control. Even if you don't have a period until Olive weans, you can still get pregnant. You have no idea how many of my clients had a big oops the first time they had sex after birth. Irish twins are more common than you'd think. And they're hell on your body."
Rey blanched. "I didn't even think of that."
"Not many people do. Use protection. We'll discuss birth control more at your six-week appointment and see what you want to do. Most women wait for that visit before having sex again just to make sure they're protected and have the all-clear that they're healed up enough for it. But again, if you feel ready, trust yourself."
She shot Ben a sharp look again before shifting over to take a quick glance at Olive sleeping in her bassinet.
"Has your pediatrician been by to see her yet?"
Rey nodded. "Doctor Kalonia was here about an hour ago. She said everything looks good."
Ben had experienced the craziest surge of pride when the doctor did a quick exam of Olive and pronounced her healthy and perfect. A silly feeling, he knew, but it gave him so much satisfaction to hear anyone praise his daughter like that. As if the baser evolutionary drive in him purred to know that his offspring was strong.
"I'm happy to hear that," Holdo said with a smile. "Are you guys ready to go home?"
"So ready," Rey laughed. "Not that they haven't done an excellent job with all of us here, but I'd love to be somewhere with better food and fewer interruptions."
Yeah. Ben wanted that too. Truthfully, he'd been ready to leave two days ago. He didn't like it when the nurses came in to check on Rey while she was asleep, disrupting her rest. He rankled every time they unwrapped Olive's cozy warm swaddle to get her vitals, and he didn't know if he wanted to rage or weep when they brought her back with bandages from where they'd broken her skin for immunizations — even though he and Rey had both agreed she would be follow the recommended immunization schedule. The worst had been that blood speckled little cotton swab they taped to the back of her heel after the PKU test.
Yeah, he was ready to take both Rey and Olive home, where nobody could poke or pester or disturb their peace.
He blinked as Holdo sat in a chair next to him and faced him expectantly, breaking him out of his thoughts. She was here for Rey, not him, so he wasn't sure what to do with himself as her sharp blue eyes took him in, scanning his face for something he couldn't guess at.
"How are you doing, Ben?" she asked, her voice softer than it usually was when she addressed him.
"Uh...fine?"
Her eyes narrowed as a small, amused smile curled at the corner of her mouth. "I'm not asking conversationally. I mean it. How are you feeling?"
Except for Rey, no one had asked him that. Not once. It struck him like a blow, and his mouth opened helplessly, words failing.
Holdo's smile softened into something kind. "You're performing your role wonderfully, Ben. You're being superman, taking care of your baby and your wife. But remember yourself too, huh? New fathers go through hormonal changes too. When your baby is born, you have a dip in testosterone and a rise in estrogen. That doesn't mean you're less manly, okay? I trust you not to be the kind of macho brute who gets offended at biology, right?"
Ben shook his head.
"Good. We don't talk a lot about postpartum depression in dads, but it can happen to them too. Make sure you're getting sleep when you can. Eat well. Burn off excess energy through exercise. Talk when it starts to get to be too much, okay? You're allowed to be human and feel things too."
He nodded, swallowing. So far this had all just been a wild and disorienting ride. He didn't know if he was starting to feel symptoms of depression and anxiety. Sure, he had moments of overwhelming panic, moments of inadequacy and fear, but he had moments of incredible joy too. Moments where the depth of his happiness stole his words and brought tears to his eyes. He didn't really know how to cope with any of that. But he'd heed her advice. He had plenty of ways to expend his energy, given what they were about to leave the hospital for.
Holdo patted his arm. "Luckily I know you have a network of people who love you. All three of you are going to be just fine. You have a carseat?"
"We do." In their mutual haste to leave after Rey's leaking incident, they'd forgotten all about it. "I have a friend bringing it over now."
Rey piped up then, her brow puckering in a quizzical look. "I still don't understand how he's getting in without a key?"
"I gave him a key already."
"When?" She looked baffled.
"When you were napping yesterday." Technically that was a lie — Ben had given Hux his house key a couple days ago, on their walk down to the hospital cafeteria. But Rey didn't need to know anything about that yet. All in good time.
She sat in the middle of the bed, dressed in soft leggings and an old t-shirt of his she'd stolen a year and a half ago. It was baggy on her, but Ben liked the effect. He'd liked it ever since she found it in the back of his trunk, replacing her own after getting it grease-stained and riddled with holes from battery acid. She'd managed to do that by fixing a melted heater hose in his car in the middle of an unfamiliar city while Poe and Finn wandered around looking for a mechanic with time for an emergency repair. Ben walked with her down to an auto parts shop, and stood by watching while she repaired the piece herself, mystified at this strange side of her he'd never glimpsed before. When it was done, he texted Poe and Finn to come back, that the car was working again and they could go. Rey's shirt was ruined. She found his Queen shirt and made him stand in front of her as a shield while she traded the two out, using her old dirty one as a towel for her greasy hands.
The minute Ben saw her in it, he'd fallen in love all over again.
He felt that way now, regarding her perched there in the middle of that bed like she was still the same girl who dove into his car up to her elbows in grease, instead of the woman who he'd watched bring a new life into the world three days ago.
Holdo said some other things, words of parting, but Ben wasn't really listening anymore. He tingled with anticipation. He couldn't wait to get Rey home and discover what the rest of their lives held for them.
He briefly left her when Hux texted that he'd arrived. The hospital had a car seat safety technician on staff who met Ben at his car and helped him install the base and car seat correctly. Hux stuck around and watched curiously until Ben shooed him away and reminded him to get where he needed to be.
He took the car seat carrier back up to the room with him. Their belongings — which seemed to have multiplied since they arrived, with the various gifts his parents kept bringing — he loaded onto a cart. Rey decided to put Olive in real clothes for once.
The little half-shirt with the covered hands just wasn't a very nice going-home outfit.
Ben filmed the process, because even though he had never been one for pictures and videos before, apparently having Olive meant that he'd become that person who wanted to document everything. He'd already snapped a couple hundred pictures of her in the three days she'd been alive. Olive by herself, with her mother, with her grandparents, even a few selfies with him.
Rey laughed, trying to feed Olive's noodley little arms through the armholes, her head and floppy neck through the head hole. Olive didn't fuss, sucking hard on a tiny green pacifier throughout the ordeal. She was so small. The sunflower dress Poe and Finn had gotten her, the same that had frightened Ben by how tiny it was, practically drowned the baby girl in fabric. Her miniature body, all big head and long torso and gangly limbs, did not fill out the newborn sized dress like the makers imagined she would. Ben chuckled appreciatively.
"And they really all believed we'd have a Sasquatch baby," Rey laughed.
Their final nurse, a girl named Charly, came in to do the final checkout procedure with them. She cut the ID tags off Rey, Ben, and Olive. She gave them a stack of papers with helpful information about breastfeeding, postpartum care, signs of PPD, newborn care, and immunization FAQ's. She told them a nurse would call in about a couple days to check in and see how things were going, and reminded Rey to make an appointment with her doctor. She heaped their little cart full of extra diapers and wipes for Olive, extra mesh undies, analgesic spray, and witch hazel pads for Rey, and brought a wheelchair for Rey to sit in.
Rey frowned at it. She was feeling good and had been walking around like it was no big deal since a few hours after they got into the maternity ward room. Ben didn't know how. He saw the stitches. He was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to walk for a month if someone put stitches into him down there. But with a steady flow of ibuprofen, she didn't seem that bothered by it.
"It's for liability," Charly explained. "We've had some moms get light headed and pass out on the way down to the car. You seem okay, but I'm gonna insist on it anyway."
Ben knew she had a hard time being unnecessarily coddled like that, but Rey sighed and resigned herself to the fate anyway. Before sitting, she handed Olive off to Ben. She was so small, he could almost span her whole body, from diapered bum to fuzzy crown, in one hand. Almost. He brought her up to him, grazing his lips against her velvet-soft forehead. She smelled divine. It was the strangest thing he'd ever experienced, and something nobody had warned him about. After they'd bathed her the first time and finally gotten the last remnants of her mother off her, she'd returned with the sweetest, most indefinable smell. It didn't smell like soap or baby wash, and it seemed to come from Olive herself, especially concentrated in her head.
Ben caught Rey sniffing her baby all the time. Like it was a drug she couldn't stop inhaling. It affected him too, though he imagined not quite in the same way. The scent of Olive's head did something to his brain. Thoughts quieted, affection surged, and the desire to cuddle her closer washed through him in balmy pleasant waves.
"Let's go home, mango," he whispered, lowering her into the carseat that, like the clothes, seemed much too big for her itty bitty body. He carefully maneuvered her tiny limbs through the shoulder straps, vaguely terrified by how frail her bones felt under his fingers. Snapping her harness together, he quickly grabbed her olive leaf blanket and stuffed it in around her tight, so she'd feel like she was swaddled. She sucked furiously on her pacifier, eyes peeping open to give him what he imagined was a tiny glare.
He laughed. "She looks like she's ready to go to the moon."
"Ready for launch, Houston," Rey giggled.
Ben picked up her carrier, hooking into the crook of one elbow, light as a feather. With his free hand he positioned himself behind the cart of their belongings. Charly pushed Rey ahead of her and out into the hall. He followed.
They got out to the front where Ben had the car waiting. Charly snapped a picture of the three of them before Rey got up out of the wheelchair. Ben opened the door for her and then gently set Olive's seat on her base, satisfied with the little click that told him she was secure. He quickly loaded their things into the trunk and thanked Charly for everything.
And then, at long last, they were headed home.
Ben Solo had never driven so carefully in his life.
He felt like he had an open glasses of champagne precariously balanced in the trunk of his car. He despised every other car on the road, distrusting every other driver to behave and not threaten the precious cargo he now had in his back seat. Her presence here loomed bright in his mind, and Ben was acutely aware of just how dangerous it was out here in a way he'd never realized before.
Rey laughed. "You're driving like a granny, Ben."
"We're all gonna get there in one piece, okay?"
"Yeah but you're so focused on driving safely that you missed the turn."
"Uh. Oops."
But Ben didn't course correct. He continued on down the street, stopping at lights carefully, accelerating slowly. Ten minutes later Rey gave him a side-eye that he could feel.
"Sooo you're just not gonna backtrack home or...?"
"Right, right, I forgot."
Still, he didn't turn. Not until another couple miles down the road, where he made a left turn instead of a right and got further away from where they were supposed to be going. Or rather, where Rey thought they were supposed to be going. Soon she sat up a little straighter in her seat, looking around like a meerkat on alert. Ben concealed a private little smile and kept going, a delicious wave of anticipation rolling through him.
"Are we not going home?" she asked uncertainly.
"We are," he assured her.
She shifted a bit in her chair, and he wasn't sure if her discomfort was more physical or psychological. She turned and glanced back at the carseat behind her, and then at Ben.
"You're up to something," she decided.
He chuckled. "I'm not. We're going home. That's it."
"But this isn't the way home."
"It is."
They turned into a leafy green neighborhood, big mature trees, cozy old houses. He'd brought her here once before, to show her the house in those agonizingly long days she went beyond her due date. She recognized it now.
"Wait, we're going to the new house?" Understanding dawned in Rey's voice now. "Oh, is this about the closing? Are we closing right now? I thought we did that at the mortgage place. We do it at the house?"
Her questions came rapid-fire, and Ben grinned like a fool. "The sellers were incredibly understanding when they learned about our circumstances. I thought I'd push my luck a little more and see if we could close at the house. Doesn't that seem more fitting?"
"Yeah, it does." She sounded pleased. "So we'll close and show Olive around her future home, and then go back to your condo?"
"You're worried about feeding her," he guessed, translating the hint of anxiety in her voice.
"I haven't mastered it well enough to do it around other people yet." She sounded embarrassed by this admission. Like she should be a breastfeeding pro three days after doing it for the first time. Ben had no idea what any of that was like, but seeing how her nipples had bled that first day, seeing how she cried when Olive latched before the lactation consultant gave her some blessed advice, it all convinced him that women were vastly superior beings, biologically and constitutionally speaking. If men had to breastfeed, the human race would never have survived past the first generation.
"My primary goal for you today is rest and privacy," he assured her. "As much of both as you want."
The car glided to a stop in front of the sweet yellow house. There was a detached garage off to the side, but the curb suited better for right now. He killed the engine and the two of them looked out her window at their picturesque little house. Ben's triumphant find, his holy grail. Someone had tied a cluster of pink balloons to one of the deck posts, and a little line of presents marched along the edge of the deck.
"What are those?" Rey asked, eyes wide.
"Dunno," he said honestly.
He got out and hurried around to her side, giving her a hand as she eased herself out of the car. She moved a little gingerly at first, but once she was out and standing she seemed alright. He got Olive's carrier out. The little bean was fast asleep, pacifier slack against the edge of her blanket.
Ben took Rey's hand and she pushed open the little gate. The three of them walked up to the house — their house. The place where they'd raise their family.
When they stepped up onto the porch, Rey leaned over and plucked up a card sitting on top of the nearest gift bag. She flipped it open and read aloud, "Welcome to the neighborhood. Congratulations on your little one. Hope these gifts help you settle in." She laughed. "It's signed all the neighbors."
"Wow. I don't think my neighbors at the condo have ever said one word to me."
"I definitely never got a gift from any of mine at my old apartment," she agreed. "What kind of place are we moving to?"
"Somewhere too good to be real, apparently," he chuckled. "It's either all a front for a horror plot, or someone will say 'cut' and we'll find out we're cast members in the Truman Show."
She gasped dramatically. "Ben, maybe we are the subjects of the Truman Show!"
"Do you think Olive is a planned plot twist, then? Or did we throw a wrench in their script?"
"Maybe they sabotaged my birth control to force the story forward." Rey laughed, peering at their sleeping daughter. "But then again, she's too chill for a newborn. Maybe she's an infant actor. Is she really ours, do you think?"
"Uh, yes." He tried the door and found it unlocked, pushing it open. "I saw her come directly out of you. That was very real."
They walked in to the sunlit living room, lovely late morning light softly diffusing over an artful arrangement of their own belongings. His couch, her coffee table, his bookshelves, their books. Someone had brought in a pleasant array of potted plants, tastefully placed here and there throughout the room. One of the infant swings they'd gotten at the baby shower was tucked into a corner, right over a soft green rug.
Rey's gasp this time wasn't dramatic. It was soft and understated, and infinitely more meaningful.
"Welcome home, Rey," he said gently.
She turned to him with wide eyes. "Why are our things already here?"
"I gave Hux my key and told Poe to organize the move. I didn't think they'd actually put everything together and away for us." His attention wandered from her, over the magazine-worthy look of the room. He chuckled. "They did an amazingly good job. I wonder who's the closeted interior decorator among them."
"You...you mean this is...it? We're here now?"
"We're here." Her bottom lip trembled and Ben's stomach lurched. He set Olive's carrier down and reached for Rey. "Oh no. Was I wrong? I'm sorry. I thought it would make it easier on you if we weren't trying to move in the midst of your recovery."
But he barely managed to get the words out before she was on him, winding her arms around his neck, pulling her body in against his as she leaned up on the very tips of her toes and kissed him like she'd never get the chance again.
Ben's head spun as he wrapped his arms around her, lifting her completely. Still she kissed him, refusing to let him go, and joy effervescent shot from her and into him, bubbling right down into his toes until he was laughing too much for her kisses to keep up. He spun her around once before setting her down again, sweeping her hair back from her glistening hazel eyes.
"Damn you, Ben," she half-laughed, half-sobbed, burying her face into his chest. "If I could, I'd tear your clothes off right here and show you exactly how much I love you."
"Unnecessary." Warmth and light and life glowed brightly beneath his ribs. "I'm just glad you aren't upset that I let them do all this without us."
"Upset? I was dreading this. Figuring out how to blend our things. Our lives. I was dreading having to make decisions or box things up when all I want to do is sit around and cuddle my baby."
"Now you can. You don't need to worry about anything."
She wiped at her eyes and peered over towards the kitchen. "Our friends aren't waiting around the corner to pop out and scream 'surprise', right?"
He laughed. "No. I told them we'd have a little barbecue tonight so they could meet Olive — if you're up for it. If not, we'll postpone until you want it."
"No, they can come," she said quickly. "I want to see them. To thank them."
"Then in the meantime, you should try to take a nap."
"I will. After we see the rest of the house," she said eagerly. "And what about the closing?"
"She'll be by this evening too. The rep from the lending company. We are going to just do it here." When she stepped away, he crouched to untuck and unbuckle Olive. She gave a little squeak of protest, eyes fluttering open. With one hand, he laid her blanket out on the couch cushion and put her on it, swaddling her up quickly and efficiently. She yawned, her little mouth stretching into a perfect O, so big her eyes squeezed tightly shut. He brought her up to his chest when she was properly burrito'd again, holding her to him easily with one hand while he took Rey's in his other.
"Shall we?"
She smiled at him, and them both, and nodded, tugging him off towards the kitchen.
Three days shouldn't have been enough time to properly move anywhere, but somehow, the troop of friends had done it. The cupboards were full of neatly stacked dishes and appliances, tidy rows of utensils and bakeware, a neatly arranged pantry with cooking basics. The fridge was packed with fresh fruit and vegetables, yogurts and cheese and hummus and every other snack a hungry nursing mother might want. The freezer was full of packages labeled with handwriting Ben recognized as Artu's messy scrawl, informing them of the dinner contents and reheating instructions.
One of the bedrooms had been set up as a nursery, with the crib, changing table, and most of the baby shower gifts arranged in a practical, functional way. All of Olive's tiny little clothes had either been hung on tiny little hangers or folded neatly and put into the dresser drawers. Ben thought there were a lot more of them now than there were before. They'd put plants in here too, and someone had painted a pretty canvas of an olive branch and leaf which they'd framed and hung above her crib. There was a plush rocking chair in here too that Ben didn't recall getting at the shower.
Their room was a bigger shock, because his giant bed had been made up with sheets, pillows, and a duvet he did not recognize. One side of the bed had a co-sleeper attachment already installed. There was another swing tucked off into the corner. Their closet was divided and organized between their clothes, and their bathroom stocked with things they did not have before, like a tube of brightly colored bath bombs and an assortment of self-pampering products.
Rey laughed. "Were they imagining Martha Stewart was going to walk through here and give them a grade?"
"They really went overboard," he agreed, even though he was almost beside him with gratitude. It looked like they wouldn't have to do a thing here. They could just come in and start living.
"I think they really love us," she whispered after a minute, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"Yeah. I think they do."
Her eyes welled up with tears again. "I really love them too."
Ben smiled, put Olive into her arms, and kissed her forehead. "You can tell them tonight. In the meantime, why don't you two get comfortable and I'll get the things out of the car, okay?"
Rey sniffed, nodded, and kicked off her shoes, scooching further up on the bed to recline against the pillows. Olive was noisily trying to suck on her own fist.
"I'll bring the nursing pillow first," he assessed.
He brought it back a moment later, that bulky-firm c-shaped pillow which Rey liked because it made nursing more comfortable. She could support her arms and Olive's bum on it and rest more easily than trying to keep the baby held up the whole time she nursed. The two of them had already begun by the time he brought it, so he tucked it in around her and helped her get cozy.
She no longer looked like a nervous patient in a hospital, but like some kind of fertility goddess on her dais, baby attached to her breast, eyes soft, smile softer. Ben knew immediately that being home would be infinitely better.
The friends came that evening around six. His parents too. They arrived first with piles of food for everyone to enjoy, including stakes to grill. Han set himself up as the grillmaster after placing a doting kiss on Olive's fuzzy head. Leia breezed around with her granddaughter in arms, happily praising the house or the baby. She'd come to help with the move, of course, though Ben couldn't really get out of her how much of the new items she'd contributed. She said it didn't matter.
Rey had napped for a long time after nursing Olive when they got home. When Olive woke before her mother, Ben had whisked her promptly away so Rey could keep sleeping. He'd pulled off his shirt and Olive's dress and let her snooze on his chest while he coordinated with the lending agent over text. He wanted his daughter to have all the benefits of that mysterious skin-to-skin bonding everyone was always going on about.
Both were dressed now, of course. When she started to get fussy, he'd changed her and put their clothes back on and then strapped her to his chest with one of those complicated wraps. He'd had to watch the YouTube video of someone using it three times before he figured it out. But after that it was very easy, doing things around the house with a heavenly-smelling newborn snugly fitted against him.
He probably wouldn't get the chance to hold her again until everyone was gone, he thought ruefully. His mother had her now. Rey was happy and laughing by Han at the grill. The others would arrive and he could imagine the awful hot-potato passing of his daughter among them until everyone was satisfied. Nope, he didn't like that at all.
He went and found one of the bassinets they'd been given and brought it out to the back.
"Mom," he called.
Leia came immediately, her smile 100-watts bright. "Look, Olive, it's Papa."
"I don't want everyone holding her tonight," he admitted. "That's too much for her. Or maybe it's too much for me."
Leia laughed. "I think that's natural, honey. Of course. She's three days old."
"Right. So maybe we should put her in here when they come. That way they can see her, but they don't have to hold her."
"You might have to police it a bit. Babies can be irresistible." As if to prove her point, she lifted Olive to her face and inhaled deeply, eyes fluttering.
Ben grinned despite himself. "I'll have no problem telling them to back off."
He didn't.
Not that many of them tried actually picking Olive up. Mostly they just cooed over her and made silly smiles and talked about her crazy amount of hair, or her ears, or her solemn little mouth.
Poe went nuts over her. He gave Ben an enormous bear hug and crowed about how his buddy made the world's most beautiful kid. He kept expressing his astonishment over and over that something so perfect could come from Ben's ugly mug.
"Of course it was all you, wasn't it?" he laughed, giving Rey a hug after Finn had taken his turn. "You're the reason that baby is an absolute angel."
"I mean, I did do all the work," Rey said with a grin.
"Of course you did." He slung his arm around Finn's shoulders. "What do you think, love, can we have one? I'll pay for the surrogate. Or we can adopt. Let's have a baby. Can we?"
Finn pushed his arm off, looking caught between embarrassed and amused. "Slow down there, champ. I'm not there yet."
"God, but she's so perfect. I just want to squeeze her!"
"Don't," said Ben.
Poe laughed. "Calm down, I won't really. But you don't feel that? When something's so cute you just gotta...bite something?"
"No."
Rose, Hux, Gwen, and Zorri arrived shortly after Jess, Tallie, Kaydel, and Jannah. Ben was surprised to see his secretary among them, but apparently she'd become a regular at he group hangouts since the shower. He didn't know this, because he and Rey had not been to as many in the last couple weeks.
"Newborns are so weird," Tallie decided. "Like she's definitely cute, but I'm lowkey afraid of her."
"I think she's gorgeous," Jannah cooed. "I want to hold her."
"Not tonight," said Ben, hovering close by the bassinet. "Come by when everyone's not around, and you can."
Kaydel grinned. "Okay, this is a good excuse to have six weeks off. She's amazing."
"Is everything okay at work?" It had only been three days, but Ben felt like it had been a lifetime. He was pretty sure his life had become instantly divided the moment that first cry cut through his heart. There was the life he had Before Olive, and now there was After Olive. And between the two existed an infinity of time.
"Oh, it's all fine." She gave him a smirk. "In fact, Gwen's handling everything so well, you might not have a job when you come back."
"Really?"
"No." Kaydel laughed. "I mean, Gwen is brilliant, but let's be real, that place and that man are nothing without you. Your job is extremely secure. Especially since you gave Luke a...what is it? A great-niece? He's been going around showing everyone her pictures every day, even when we've already seen them."
Rose, Rey, and Finn were happily engaged in conversation with Leia on the lawn furniture someone had put out there, and Poe had gone off to help Han with the stakes. Jess was talking to Paige and Finch Dallow, who had just arrived. Everyone milled around, happy and congratulatory. Ben had always held a soft of exasperated affection for their messy group of friends. Tonight, though, he felt a lot more than that. Maybe it was the way his heart had turned to mush the minute Olive grasped his finger in her tiny hand, or maybe it was because they'd all rallied around to help him and Rey without even a second thought, but tonight he agreed with his secret wife. Tonight he loved them.
He tried to find out who decorated. No one would point to one person. Gwen said it was a group effort. Ben suspected she had more to do with it than she let on, but he didn't really have any evidence to support that hunch. When it seemed like everyone else was distracted, he did let Gwen alone hold Olive. Because she asked very quietly and gently, like she knew it was hard for him, and because he knew instinctively that he owed her a great deal more than the others.
She'd never struck him as the maternal type. Never. But seeing her go soft and silly when she had Olive in the crook of her arm made him reassess that position. She looked happy.
When Olive fussed, Rey whisked her away for a little private feeding. When she came back, everyone ate and laughed and basked beneath an October sunset, the scent of autumn heavy in the air. It was peaceful and perfect.
Finn called her peanut. Hux called her Liv. Her grandmother snuggled her, her grandfather cried when she splayed her tiny hand out against his and yawned, and everyone, everyone decided she was the cutest baby they'd ever seen. Ben watched this noisy mob rally around his small daughter and felt satisfied.
She had a tribe.
She would always be loved.
Rey slipped in beside him, cuddling into him for warmth in the evening chill. He could tell she was tired.
"I'm going to take Olive inside. It's getting too cold for her and I'm hurting a little bit anyway."
"I'll get them to leave," he said softly.
"No, don't. Let them stay as long as they want. I don't mind. They've done so much for us. We can let them have a little fun while they're here." She leaned up and kissed his cheek.
Ben watched her go with a hungry throb in his heart. Not for her body. He was still strangely subdued on that front. But for her. He'd been in love with her for so long, but this new depth to his feelings was terrifying. He didn't know if it was because of Olive, because she'd made a father of him, or if it was because she was his, and this was their new life together, or maybe it just had something to do her, just the was she was now. He didn't know. But it caught the breath from his lungs and made him want to run after her, to sweep her into his arms and hold her until she fell asleep.
"Hey, pal," Poe said quietly, strolling up beside him. "You'll marry her soon, okay? Baby's here now. On to the next step, right?"
The next step wasn't their sham ceremony in six months. The next step was the part that always came at the end of fairy tales. The happily ever after. He couldn't wait to see how that part worked.
"Thanks for all this, Poe." Ben motioned at the house. "I owe all of you big time."
"We were happy to do it for you, buddy. You're really living the dream now, aren't you?"
"Yeah." He smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I am."
"What's it feel like? Having a kid?"
Ben thought for a moment. He glanced at Poe. "It's like being hit by lightning."