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CHAPTER 3: TRIPTOLEMUS IS IN LOVE WITH CORN
After seeing Demeter suffer through getting her wisdom teeth ripped out, Triptolemus thought he'd better get it over with, too. He wanted to go by himself, but Dr. Miller said he needed Demeter to be with him.
So there they were, reading magazines that had nothing to do with farming (Trip was pissed). He'd picked up the closest thing he could find: a magazine called Get a Farmer Tan, Dude: Tips and Tricks to Getting a Farmer Tan.
It was Demeter's turn to sit calmly next to her godly boyfriend (let's all assume Demeter's in love with the guy…I mean, c'mon! They both have so much in common). Demeter was humming a song to herself while Triptolemus glanced through the magazines on the table in the waiting room.
"You're going to be fine," Demeter told him. "They're going to put you to sleep and rip them out. Easy as pie."
"Please don't talk about pie when I'm hungry," Trip groaned. Dr. Miller said he couldn't eat anything before the surgery that afternoon…and Trip hadn't eaten anything like the good boy he was.
The door opened. Trip stood up, thinking it was his turn, but a pudgy chick in purple scrubs came out. "Mr. Hunterstein?" she called. "Your daughter's all finished." She turned to Triptolemus. "Are you Triptolemus?"
Finally, someone got my name right, Trip thought. "Yes. Yes I am."
"Excellent. If you'll follow me, we'll get you set up for surgery."
The nurse led the two men back into the exam room area. Mr. Hunterstein went into one room, where Trip heard a girlish voice yell: "I'M QUEEN OF THE WORLD, DADDY!"
Trip shrugged and followed the nurse into a different exam room. He sat in the red dental chair and stared up at the ceiling.
"So," said the nurse, and Trip knew that this would be a long appointment, "your name's very unique."
"Uh…thanks?"
"What do you do for a living?" she asked as she put a blanket over Trip's chest.
"I'm a farmer," he replied.
"Did we take you away from farming?" she asked.
"Uh…well, I was working in the corn fields this morning, and I almost forgot about the appointment, until my girlfriend Demeter reminded me."
"I see," the nurse said. "Well, do you like your job?"
"I love my job!"
"Do you have animals on your farm, or just plants?"
"Uh…kinda. I have some cats that come around, and I give 'em names sometimes—if I feel like it—but I mostly farm plants…like sorghum and wheat."
"What's sorghum?" the nurse asked, getting the tool tray ready for Dr. Miller.
Trip blanked.
"Oh, I see you're stressed about the operation, Triptolemus," the nurse told him.
Where was the dentist? He was supposed to be here by now. Suddenly, from across the hall, the girl's voice yelled: "SEXY PONIES!"
"So," the nurse said, "my name's Pam, so if you need anything, just let me know."
Dr. Miller walked in, looking frustrated. When he saw Trip was all ready to go, he smiled all big. "Hey, Trip," he said. "Ready for this?"
"Yeah," Trip said. "Sure."
"Great."
Pam the nurse put something over Trip's face. Trip breathed it in and he was out in a few moments.
About an hour or so later, Demeter came back to get Trip and to take him to the pharmacy for his drugs. His face was all fat, and he was singing an out-of-tune version of "Home on the Range".
"Hey, Trip," Demeter cooed, sitting where the dentist had been, "how did it go?"
"Where the deer and the antelope play!" Trip yelled. "Do you like that song?"
"Sure," Demeter said. "Uh, Trip, we need to get you some medicine, or else you'll be sore for a while."
They had to go to Target to get Trip's drugs. Like Demeter, Trip stumbled off to find food.
"Trip!" Demeter screamed. "Get back here!"
"No!"
"NOW!"
"Are you my Mommy?" Trip retorted. "I don't think so, you heartless bitch!"
Demeter shrugged. The only person who'd called her that was Hades, and she'd gotten pretty used to it over the years.
"Hi," said Demeter once she reached the pharmacy. "I need this prescription filled, please."
The pharmacist took a look at it and smiled. "It'll be ready in twenty minutes."
Demeter walked off to find Triptolemus. When she found him, he was in the frozen food aisle where some fresh produce had just come in. Demeter found him arguing with an employee about corn.
"Sir," said the employee, "corn isn't sexy."
"Yes it is!" Trip yelled at the dude. "I'm going to name it. You wanna help me?"
"No, sir."
"Fine. I'll do it myself. I'll name you…" His eyes twinkled. "…Harvest!"
Demeter grabbed Trip's hand. "Trip, let's put the corn back now."
"I'm going to kiss the corn and we're going to get married!" Trip screamed. He started humming "Here Comes the Bride" really loudly, until Demeter's face turned a deep shade of pink.
"TRIPTOLEMUS!" Demeter screamed at the farm god. "YOU PUT THAT CORN BACK RIGHT NOW!"
Trip was kissing the corn and whispering some…uh…very sexual things to it. I'm not going to go into details on what he was saying.
Demeter eventually got Trip away from his lovely corn and headed back to the pharmacy. "Found him," she told the pharmacist.
"Excellent. Well, here it is. The dosage is on the bottle, so you can look at it when you go home."
Demeter thanked her, paid for the medicine, and dragged a very high Triptolemus out to her chariot.