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CHAPTER 4: HERMES ALMOST GETS A DUI
"Hermes!" Maia called sweetly. "Stop playing with your toys and get down here! We're going to be late for the dentist!"
Hermes came running down the stairs, holding his caduceus. "Ma," he said, "why must I say a week with you in this rundown hellhole you call a house?"
"Because, Herm," said Maia, "you're getting your wisdom teeth out today, and I want to make sure you recover nicely."
"Ma, I have mail to deliver and stuff," Hermes protested. "I don't want to sit on my butt all day talking to my snake buddies!"
Hermes sucks, George said.
Oh, shut up, George, Martha snapped at him.
"Shut up," Hermes snapped at George and Martha. "Mom, I'll be fine."
Maia sighed as her son put his caduceus in the back seat of her chariot. "We're off!"
When they'd reached the dentist, Maia told Hermes to sit down while she checked him in. "Hello," she said. "My son Hermes is here for his extraction."
"We're ready for him," the receptionist said. "Right this way."
The receptionist led Maia and Hermes to an exam room. Hermes looked around. There were instruments of torture, and he got pretty freaked out.
"Just have a seat in the chair, Hermes," said the receptionist, "and Dr. McWelz will be right in."
Maia glared at her son. "Hermes, while you're asleep, I'm going across the street to get some coffee. Do you promise me that you will not drive anything until you're safe in my palace?"
"Yes, Mommy." But Hermes smirked when Maia wasn't looking.
Hermes, you have a call from Hera on line four, Martha told him.
"Tell her she can jump off Olympus and die," Hermes said. Yeah, he was having man issues that day.
She's pissed, George said.
"Good," said Hermes.
Dr. McWelz came in. He was a great oral surgeon, but his bedside manner was horrible. He turned the light on over Hermes' head. "Okay, it looks like all four of your wisdom teeth are impacted, Hermes," he said, "so you'll be in a lot more pain."
Hermes hoped the doctor was wrong.
Dr. McWelz put something on Hermes' face. "Breathe deeply," he instructed.
"Is this chloroform?" Hermes asked…and he was out.
Hermes woke up what felt like five minutes later. He didn't really know where he was, but he knew he felt really sick to his stomach. He looked around for a garbage can in case he needed to toss his cookies.
Dr. McWelz was sitting there with him, packing more gauze into his cheeks. Hermes gagged.
"That should do it," said Dr. McWelz. "So, here's a prescription. Get it filled and we'll see you in a week for a follow-up. Have a nice day." And he was gone.
Hermes stumbled to the front desk. "I'll see you later, baby," he told the receptionist.
Now the receptionist just so happened to be a dude, so he assumed Hermes was gay.
Hermes stepped outside and turned the corner, going in the opposite direction of the coffee shop. He found a car that looked like it hadn't been used in a million seconds, hopped inside, and started the engine. George and Martha, who were safely tucked away in cell phone mode, turned into a beer bottle. For some reason, they always liked to pretend Hermes was a drunk whenever he drove.
Hermes weaved in and out of traffic, hitting several cars…including police cars. One policeman got REALLY pissed off, and told Hermes to pull over.
"Hello, son," said the policeman.
"Hi, Dad," said Hermes. "How's it a-goin'?"
"Not too good. Not too good," said the officer. "Sir, are you aware that you've been driving like a freak for the past mile? I'm afraid that's going to cost you, sir. I need to see some ID."
Hermes held up the beer bottle.
"Aha!" the officer screamed. "So you've been drinking!"
"Hades, I've been drunking!" yelled Hermes. "And what have you been up to, my good sir?"
"Sir, please don't mess with me."
Hermes grabbed the officer around the neck. "You wanna fight, buddy?"
"Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you to jail."
Hermes was still high, so he said: "Yeah, that sounds like fun!"
The officer got Hermes in the back seat of his car and drove off to the jail. On the way, he called Maia (Hermes wasn't too drunk so he couldn't give him her number).
Maia quickly told the officer that Hermes had gotten his wisdom teeth out that morning, and that he had been on laughing gas ever since she left the office. The officer sort of felt bad for Hermes, so he let him go…no ticket. Instead, he drove Hermes back to the coffee shop, where Maia was waiting, hands on her hips, and looking angry.
"Hermes!" she yelled. "Why didn't you come straight here?"
"Hey, cutie. You wanna snuggle?" Hermes made kissy-faces at his own mother.
"I'm so sorry about him," said Maia, grabbing Hermes around the wrist.
Police guy looked at her. "It's all right. I should've known better. That dentist doesn't really let his patients stay after their appointments. But they should so all the nitrous gets out of their systems. Well, no charges. Y'all have a nice day now." And he was gone.
Maia glared at her son. "Hermes, we need to get your meds. Let's go."
Hermes spat the gauze into the trash can. He was still dribbling blood from his mouth. "Ah…" Hermes sighed. "That's better. Let's go get some drugs!"