CHAPTER 5: POSEIDON GETS A SQUIRT GUN

Poseidon, Amphitrite, and Triton were all having dinner as a family, when something happened.

"Triton, how was fish school today?" Amphitrite asked.

"Good," Triton said in a monotone.

"What did you do?"

"Nothing."

Amphitrite shrugged. "Poseidon, how was your day ruling the seas and all?"

"It was—OW, MY FACE! It was good," Poseidon said, grimacing.

"Hon, what's wrong?" Amphitrite asked.

"My teeth hurt," Poseidon said, messaging his jaw.

"Oh, honey," Amphitrite cooed. "Do we need to see Asclepius?"

"No!" Poseidon screamed. "Not him! He's too nice!"

"Well, dear, he's a doctor. He has to have good bedside manner."

"Yeah, but there are a lot of doctors out there who don't have good bedside manner. Apollo's pretty good, but when your appointment's over, he asks if you like his haikus. And then you tell him the truth and he ends up adding fifty-five more drachmas on your doctor bill." Poseidon groaned and clutched his face.

"Poseidon…" Amphitrite started to nag.

"Fine," he said. "I'll go see someone."

Amphitrite had made an appointment for Poseidon to see a chick named Dr. Jackson. Poseidon thought he was seeing Sally, so he psyched.

As soon as Poseidon sat in the dentist chair and Dr. Jackson walked in, Poseidon was MAJORLY disappointed. Dr. Jackson wasn't like Sally at all. She was petit, yes, but she didn't take care of her hair well, unlike Sally.

"Hi…Poh-see-dun," Dr. Jackson said.

"Poseidon, actually," Poseidon corrected, trying not to feel offended.

"Are you Greek?"

"Why do you ask?"

"That sounds like the Greek god of the sea."

"Uh…no. I'm from some foreign country…I don't know." Poseidon winced. "Hey, could you look at me so I can get out of here?" Because you're freaking weird, he thought.

Dr. Jackson sighed and looked Poseidon over. When she was done, she set her tools down and looked at him. "Mr. Poseidon, your wisdom teeth are coming in…and you're going to have to get them out relatively soon." She kicked a button and the chair sat up.

THE FOLLOWING MORNING

Poseidon and Amphitrite were sitting in the waiting room of Dr. Jackson's office. Amphitrite was forced to come with, since Poseidon couldn't magically appear at his palace unless he wasn't high…just go with it.

"Mr. Poseidon!" yelled a male nurse. "I'm ready for you now!"

Poseidon kissed Amphitrite goodbye. "I guess I'll make my final confessions now." He got down on one knee. "Amphitrite," he began, "when I met you, your hair was stunning, your eyes were like jewels, and your breasts were nicely shaped. Now that we've been married for a few thousand years, I feel like I must say this now. You're ugly, your boobs don't even fit in your bra anymore, and you're too fat. So, I love you, but I gotta go. I'll probably burn in Tartarus for saying that stuff to you, right?"

Amphitrite was crying. "I-I love you, too."

"I know. Everyone does." And Poseidon walked into the exam room.

He sat in the dentist chair and stared up at the ceiling. Dr. Jackson walked in, asked how he was doing (you know, the small-talk crap the dentist does before putting their hands in your face), and made him breathe the anesthetic in.

Amphitrite, meanwhile, was sitting in the waiting room, when she heard giggling and crying at the same time. Wait…what? That sounds like Poseidon's giggles, she said.

Dr. Jackson went into another patient's room, so she decided it was time to go back.

She found Poseidon sitting in the chair, his face puffy and swollen, holding what looked like a dentist tool.

"Hello, my love," Amphitrite said.

"Hey, hey, Sally!" Poseidon said. He leaned forward and whispered: "Do you wanna see my squirt gun?"

Wow, Amphitrite thought, even when he's high he can still make sexual comments and think I'm Sally Jackson.

"Uh…" Amphitrite said.

"Here!" Poseidon giggled. "I'll show you!" He held up the tool that squirts water and pointed it at himself. He squirted and water flew all over his pants. Poseidon started crying.

"What's wrong, baby?" Amphitrite asked.

"I peed," Poseidon said, "in my pants. It's…it's very warm. You should try it someday." His powers went into action and the water disappeared. "Oh! Never mind. It's gone now." And he stood up. "Hey, do I know you?" he asked.

"I'm your wife."

"I'm married?"

"Yes! You're married, you jerk!"

"Oh." Poseidon stumbled out of the room.

Before Amphitrite left, the nurse handed her a prescription. "Dr. Jackson prescribed this drug to Poseidon. It'll probably make him feel sick to his stomach, so bear that in mind when you give it to him."

Amphitrite thanked him quickly, but she had to run because Poseidon was causing a huge scene out in the waiting room.

Poseidon was sitting on some man's lap. "Hello, Santa!" he yelled. "Can I have a palace for Christmas this year?"

Amphitrite stopped him. "I'm sorry about him," she told the man. "He's high."

"I know," the man said.

Amphitrite shook his hand and led Poseidon outside. "C'mon, honey. Let's get your drugs."