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CHAPTER 14: HERA ADOPTS A PEACOCK

Hera had no idea who her dentist was going to be, but she had a bad feeling about going to the Olympian Dentist Office (that's the new name now).

Hera got up and got dressed. She didn't eat, because Mother Rhea had told her eating before surgery was a bad idea. So Hera didn't eat, although she really wanted to.

When she woke up, Zeus wasn't lying next to her. Probably went off with some mortal, she thought as she was grabbing the keys to the palace.

She headed down the street to the throne room, where she waited for her name to be called. Then a magazine caught her eye. So she picked it up. It was called HERA SUCKS: WHY NO ONE LIKES THE BITCHY QUEEN OF OLYMPUS!

"WHO WROTE THIS?!" Hera screamed. Then she looked around. "Oh…this is awkward. No one's here."

Then she heard two gods yelling on the other side of the curtain where the chair was.

"Uh…hello!" one god's voice yelled. "I'm doing the surgery today, not you! You know, Athena's right about you, Poseidon! You're a seaweed brain!"

"Well, you're a gay sky god who has forgotten how to get romantic with his own wife."

"Hera!" the first voice yelled. "Come on back!"

Hera got up and brought the magazine with her. When she got into the chair, she looked at the two gods who would be doing the surgery today. Zeus was sitting on her right, a tool tray in front of him. He was wearing sky-blue scrubs and had a mask around his neck so he could put it on later. Poseidon sat on Hera's left, wearing green scrubs with fish on them. He was playing with that water squirting tool.

"Welcome, my dear queen," said Zeus, "to the show I like to call Torturing Hera in the Dental Chair! Today's episode will follow the life and torture of Hera, Queen of the Gods, goddess of marriage and children…and—for some reason—stars and constellations. I still don't get why you got that job."

"I still don't get why you go off cheating on me every second of the day," Hera snapped. "But some things will still be a mystery."

"Yes," said Zeus, "yes, they will be. Okay, honey, we're going to take those wisdom teeth out today, and then you'll be stupid." Zeus laughed. "Just kidding. You're already stupid!"

Poseidon put the napkin around Hera's neck and Zeus kicked a button that made the chair go backwards.

"Before you start," Hera glared at her husband, "I want to know who wrote this article!" She shoved the magazine under Zeus' nose.

Zeus looked it over, then began to read: "Hera, the Queen of Olympus, sucks. According to her husband Zeus, 'I'm constantly crawling under rocks because I'm THAT afraid of her'. Well, at least they got the quote right."

Hera glared at him some more.

"Hermes wrote it," Zeus said sheepishly. "But I told him to." He turned the light on. "You want just Novocain, just laughing gas, or both?"

"Both," Hera said.

Poseidon gave Zeus some topical and Zeus gave it to Hera. It was grape-flavored, and it tasted nasty! Soon after, Zeus gave Hera the Novocain. He did it really slowly so that Hera would feel horrible. Then Poseidon gave her some laughing gas, and they waited for everything to kick in.

While they waited, Zeus struck up a conversation. "Last night, I knocked up a hot chick," he said, playing with a pair of forceps. "Guess what her name was?"

"Was it Leto?" Poseidon asked.

"Yep. She's fun in bed," said Zeus, smiling at Hera.

Hera was still able to understand stuff, so she hit Zeus, and he hit her back.

"Wow, such abuse," said Poseidon.

"It's a joke," Zeus told him. He picked up the forceps. "LET US BEGIN THE TORTURE!"

Once Hera's teeth were extracted, Poseidon gave Hera some water. She was still mad at Zeus, so she spat a mouthful of bloody water at him. Zeus just shook his head and gave her the prescription.

Once Hera had gotten her prescription, she headed for the zoo because she had nothing better to do with her time (besides beating up Heracles, but she got bored of that too easily). Suddenly, she saw a beautiful bird walking toward her. It spread its feathers and said KA-KAW, KA-KAW!

Hera, whose mouth was packed with gauze, looked at the peacock as it was showing off its coolness. "Hewo, Mr. Peacock," Hera cooed. "My name is Hewa. Do you wanna come home wiff me?"

Before the peacock said anything, Hera picked it up and flew back to Olympus.

"ZEUSY!" Hera yelled. "COME SAY HELLO TO MY NEWEST, BESTEST FRIEND!"

Zeus walked out of the kitchen. "Oh, what a shocker. You brought home a peacock."

"His name is Jerry," said Hera. "He's eighty-ten years old, and he likes me. He told me so."

"Did he now?" Zeus said. "Well, I don't like him!" And Zeus zapped Jerry.

Hera kicked him, spat the gauze out at him, and ran to her room.

A few hours later, Hera was coming to. The only part of the day she remembered was Zeus giving her Novocain and reading an offensive magazine. That's it. Nothing else.

"HERA!" yelled Zeus from downstairs. "I'M GOING TO ARES' HOUSE TO PLAY! Come take your pills!"

Hera shrugged and headed downstairs.

"My mouth hurts," she ranted. "What did you do?"

"The Great Zeuster has yanked the queen's wisdom teeth out," said Zeus. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go knock up Aphrodite."

But at that point, Hera had passed out because the pills had made her extremely tired. Zeus shrugged and left her on the couch. Then he turned on "Hercules".

When Hera awoke, she saw a pink girl on the screen. "Who in Hades?"

The pink girl was looking at an orange, buff guy, and she was holding a baby.

TV Hera looked at Real Hera. "I am British Hera," British Hera said. "I have come to destroy you!"

Hera awoke with a start. What happened to her? Nothing; it was all a dream.

Hera got off the couch and went to the pill bottle Zeus put on the kitchen table. It had side effects, including nausea, uncontrollable giggling, obnoxious temper tantrums, bloating, thinking you're pregnant, and strange dreams.

That night, Hera went to bed, hoping the next day would go smoothly. Apollo had told her that those weren't actually the right pills, but pills that would make her crazy (because Zeus had prescribed them to her). Anyway, once Hera had gotten the real pills down, she felt much better…and she didn't talk to Zeus for three weeks.

Wow, how was that one? That was a completely random chapter, but I hope you guys liked it.

Zeus: I'm sorry for all the sexual stuff I said. I told her to put it in there!