CHAPTER 15: DIONYSUS ISN'T DRUNK (OR HIGH)

So far, the Olympian wisdom teeth extraction thingies were going rather well, and they'd somehow gotten some minor gods to get theirs out, too. Now it was Dionysus' turn, and he knew he wouldn't like his dentists.

He at least liked one of them. The assistant—not the dentist—was Hephaestus, god of the freaking forges. But who was his dentist?

Dionysus was sitting on his fat butt on the crooked bench, when Hephaestus came out to get him for the surgery. "Hi, Dionysus," he said jovially. "How are you this fine afternoon?"

"I would be better if I weren't stuck at that damn camp for silly half-blood peons," came Dionysus' reply.

"I'll take that as an I'm okay," said Hephaestus. "So, before I take you back, I'm not supposed to tell you who the dentist is, so I'll do this next part in secret. It's a dude. He wants to know if you want Novocain or laughing gas."

"Can I have both?" Dionysus asked.

"Sure," Hephaestus said, writing it down on his clipboard.

"And can you give me a lot? My life sucks, so it doesn't matter how much you give me…as long as I fade quickly." Dionysus was suicidal now.

"Um, no," said Hephaestus. "We'll give you a dosage of it, but you'll be able to eat and act normal in a few hours. Come with me."

Hephaestus led Dionysus into the office, where Dionysus sat down in the chair. "So," he said, looking around the office, "where's the dentist?"

"He had to pee," said Hephaestus. "He'll be in—"

"All right! I'm here!"

"—now."

A buff dude walked in and glared at Dionysus. He already had his mask and gloves on, and he was carrying a tray of dentist tools. Dionysus saw some pretty scary stuff on there. He didn't even know what half of them did.

The dude set the tools down on the tool tray…and he set them down hard so some of them fell off. The guy just picked them up and put them back on the tray. Then he took the seat next to Dionysus. "Heph, gimme the chart!" he demanded.

Hephaestus gave Dr. Buff Guy Dionysus' chart. The dentist looked over it for a few moments, then turned to Dionysus. "So, punk," he said, "you're here for your extraction, correct?"

"Yeah, Ares."

"Good guess, punk. All right. Open wide so we can get this over with."

Once Ares had given Dionysus the Novocain and the laughing gas, they waited patiently. When Ares was sure Dionysus was numb, he started to pull Dionysus' teeth out.

"Uh…Ares," Hephaestus said.

"WHAT?!" Ares screamed.

"That's the wrong tooth."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I'll pull whatever the hell I wanna pull. So shut up and play with your own tools."

Hephaestus took that vacuum thing that sucks your spit out and put it up his nose. "This feels weird." He then put it in his ear. "I love it!"

"Good for you," Ares snapped, yanking out the final wisdom tooth. "Uh…Heph, I need that sucky thing."

"Oh. Right." Hephaestus took the vacuum out of his ear and put it in Dionysus' mouth.

"RINSE!" Ares boomed. "Now, as long as you're not feeling dizzy or whatever, you may leave. Get out."

Dionysus stood up surprisingly well. He didn't even stumble on the way out of the throne room.

"Ares, he's not high," said Hephaestus.

"Yeah. I know." Ares rounded on him. "Did you give him all of the gas?"

"Yeah, but I guess he's the wine god, so I guess it doesn't affect him."

Meanwhile, Dionysus—whose face was numb and stuff with gauze—walked into the Big House at Camp Half-Blood. He banged on Chiron's door.

Chiron appeared with pink curlers in his tail. "Hello, Mr. D."

"Hello, Chiron," said Dionysus. "I'm finished." Remember, he had gauze, so it sounded like: "Herro, Chiwon. I finissed."

"Wow, you haven't been affected by the nitrous?"

"Nope. 'Cause I'm the wine dude," said Dionysus. "I'm going off to play Pac-Man. See ya!" And he ran off.

Yeah, it was short, I know. I couldn't think of any ideas for Dionysus…he's so…BLAH! At any rate, tell me if you want me to do more minor gods/Titans/primordial beings. I don't mind doing the research…seriously. So far, I have Gaea, Nyx, Nemesis, Eros, and Hebe.