CHAPTER 16: HADES ANNOUNCES THE END OF THE WORLD

Hades hadn't been to the dentist in a while, and he was about to make an appointment when his phone went off. It was his annoying mother-in-law Demeter.

"Pizza Palace," Hades said.

"Shut up, you ungrateful—"

"What, Demeter?"

"I'll be doing your extraction tomorrow, and you'd better get up here right now so Trip and I can examine you!"

"What?"

"You need a consultation, you moron!" Demeter screamed at him. "You deserve all this torture for taking my daughter." And she hung up.

Hades thought he'd just better go to Olympus and get this over with. After all, Demeter was his older sister, and he knew that he needed to respect his elders, even if they never respected him.

So the Loser of the Dead headed up to the throne room. He was stopped by Zeus. "Hey, man," Zeus said. "It doesn't look like winter outside. So why are you here?"

"Uh…wisdom teeth consultation."

"Oh." Zeus smirked. "I hope Demeter doesn't nag you about anything."

"Yeah…but she probably will," Hades said sadly.

"You're making me want to cry," Zeus said. "Get in the waiting area and read the awful magazines I have provided."

Hades sat on the bench and picked up a magazine entitled Why I Hate Hades: An Article About My Awful Brother, Lord of the Dead. Hades sighed and began to read the magazine.

"Go get him, Trip," said Demeter. "I'll be right in."

Triptolemus walked out and glared at Hades. "Hi, Lord Hades," he said. "Come with me."

Triptolemus led Hades into the exam room. Triptolemus sat in the dental assistant's chair and looked at Hades. "Uh, you sit in the big chair," he said.

Hades was a little apprehensive about sitting in the chair. He didn't brush his teeth everyday (that's probably another reason why Persephone hates him), and he hadn't flossed since the gods moved to France. And when he wanted to make an appointment for a cleaning, he couldn't get in because the secretaries kept telling him that they didn't do that kind of stuff in ancient times.

Hades, as nervous as he was, sat in the dentist chair. He hadn't seen Demeter yet, so hopefully that was a good thing. Trip put a napkin on him and Hades freaked out. "What in the name of the zit on Kronos' ass is this for?"

"So you don't slobber all over your robes," said Triptolemus.

"Aren't you supposed to be farming?" asked Hades.

"Yeah, but anytime Demeter asks me to do stuff, I feel obligated to do it." Trip stared at Hades. "Ya know, maybe I won't hate you so much if you became my apprentice. We could make wheat and sorghum grow."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Hades said. Then he heard the clicking of heels. "What's that noise?"

"Probably Demeter," said Trip. "Oh, I mean Dr. Demeter."

Demeter walked into the room, wearing a white lab coat over a green dress. She smiled at Hades, but her smile was evil, like she was thinking about all the cereal she'd make Hades eat later.

"Hello, Hades," Demeter said in a sickly-sweet voice, "how are you this fine day?"

"Get it over with," said Hades. "I have souls to torture."

"I'll just assume you're fine then," Demeter said. She pushed Hades back in the chair, turned on the light, snapped on her gloves, and picked up some tools. "Open your mouth, Hades," Demeter snarled.

Hades knew this would be more than just a consultation; it was more of a dentist exam. Demeter looked at each of his teeth. Finally, she looked at him. "Hades, Hades, Hades," she said. "You're going to have to brush better. You've got, like, nine cavities."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?!" Hades screamed at her.

"Because I'm a mom." Demeter sighed. "And when was the last time you flossed?"

"Can't remember," said Hades.

Demeter sighed again. "You'll need to come back for a cleaning, Hades. In the meantime, we'll see you tomorrow for your appointment."

"You know, if you become a farmer," Triptolemus said from his seat, "you'll be one of Demeter's great friends."

"Yeah, I can't even imagine what we'd do all day," Hades said, getting out of the chair. "I hate you both." And he walked off.

The following afternoon, Hades went back up to see the farming nerds. Trip called him back once again and Demeter snarled at him.

"So," she said, "we'll give you some Novocain and laughing gas. But first I have to ask you some health questions." She looked at her clipboard. "Did you eat your cereal this morning?"

"No." Hades rolled his eyes.

"Did you brush your teeth this morning?"

"Yes, but I did it real quick so I could torture dead people."

"Mm-hmm, and did you floss last night like I told you to?"

"No."

Demeter sighed, put the clipboard to the side, and glanced at Triptolemus. "Trip, can you give me the topical?"

Trip was about to hand her the topical, but Demeter shook her head. "No, sweetie. The other topical. The one in the drawer."

Trip opened the drawer and brought out a bottle of topical. He squirted it on four sticks and handed it to Demeter, who gave it to Hades. Once Hades tasted it, he gagged. "What in the name of Persephone's flower-patterned bra is this?"

"It's topical so you won't feel the needle going in," Trip said.

"Although I'm not sure why I gave it to you," Demeter said, reaching for the needles. "You're such a jerk."

"What flavor is this?" Hades choked.

"Wheat flavored," Demeter said cheerfully. "Now hold still so I can inject this drug into you." And she gave Hades the Novocain. Shortly after that, she gave him the laughing gas. Hades was REALLY, REALLY, REALLY high at this point.

The surgery took hardly any time at all. Instead of doing them one at a time, Demeter and Trip did it at the same time. So instead of pulling out for teeth by herself, Demeter only had to do two.

"All right, Trip," Demeter said, "when I say three, we'll pull them! One…two…THREE!"

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Hades screamed.

"You deserved that," said Demeter, "for taking my daughter."

"Can't you just accept the fact that she's my wife?" Hades snapped, spitting blood all over Demeter's face.

Demeter casually wiped her face off.

"Demeter, at least she's with you three-fourths of the year," Trip said.

"Who's side are you on?" Demeter roared. "Give Hades some water, then we're going to have a long talk about what it means to be my lieutenant."

Once Hades was done with surgery, he headed down to the mortal world to a news broadcasting station. There was a guy doing a news story, so Hades waited patiently.

"Good afternoon, New York. My name is Charles Summers with weather, and it looks like we're going to have some—"

Hades couldn't wait anymore. He burst into the studio, just as Mr. Summers was doing his weather predictions.

"Uh…hi?" Mr. Summers said.

"Hi," Hades slobbered all over the microphone. "My name is Bob. Can I make a quick announcement, sir?"

"Sure," said Mr. Summers. "Go for it."

"Thanks," Hades drooled. "Hey, guys! My name is Bob, and I'm here to tell you about the zombie apocalypse coming in thirty-ten-twenty-four seconds! Yay! I love you all!" And he left the studio.

Hades ran into the street, where he sat on a bench and started crying. A woman walked up to him. "Oh, are you lost?"

"Yes," Hades said. "But I have to go to Hell because there's a zombie apocalypse coming."

"Oh, honey." The woman put a hand on Hades' shoulder. "There's no apocalypse coming. C'mon. We'll get you some help."

The woman led Hades to a mental hospital, where she went to find a doctor. When the doctor came out to get him, Hades stood up and said quietly, "Where are you, Demeter? I want to eat you! Yummy, yummy!"

"Sir?" the doctor said. "Who's Demeter?"

As if she heard mortals talking about her, Demeter appeared in front of them, holding a bottle of pills. She waved her hand and the doctor passed out cold. Then she rounded on Hades. "All right, you walked out of there so fast I forgot to give you these." She handed Hades a pill and a glass of water.

Once Hades took the pill, he was back to reality. "What…where am I?"

"Long story," Demeter said. "Come back to my palace and we'll talk about it over some cereal."