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CHAPTER 20: CHIRON GOES TO THE CARNIVAL

Chiron was watching all the campers eat their lunches. He wasn't eating, though, for he had a horrible pain shooting through his jaw.

"Charon," said Dionysus, "what's the matter with you? You look like you're pushing out a huge dump." He studied Chiron. "Are you constipated?"

"First of all, Mr. D, my name is Chiron. Secondly, I have been having tooth trouble all day today, and I need to make an appointment to see the dentist."

"Oh, don't be an idiot, Charlie!" Dionysus hooted. "Just go up to Olympus and have a god check you out."

Chiron shrugged. He didn't know about that, but Dionysus was a god (even if he was a sucky god), so he decided to listen to him. Chiron headed into his study and called Zeus. But Zeus wasn't available, so his answering machine came on. "Hello," the sexy machine voice said, "you have reached Zeus, king of the gods. If you would like an audience with the king, press one. If you would like an appointment for an extraction, press two. For instant and painful deaths, press three. Other options, press four." Chiron thought it was done, but the machine had one more thing to say. "For dirty sex jokes, press five."

Chiron pressed two and the voice said: "You have selected option two. Please hold while we get Zeus out of bed with Hera to take your call." So Chiron sat there for two minutes listening to "Baby" by Justin Bieber (which, if possible, was worse than the toothache).

"Hello?" Zeus said.

"Lord Zeus," Chiron said, "this is Chiron."

"Hey, Chiron! How are you? Hera! It's Chiron! What can I do for you, Chiron?"

"My teeth hurt!" Chiron said.

"Ah," said Zeus. "Well, I'll make an appointment for you to see the Olympian dentists. What time would you like, my good sir?"

"ASAP."

"Uh…I'm sorry, Chiron. But there is no ASAP in the appointment book. How about right now?"

"I just said that."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Okay. We'll see you in a few minutes."

Chiron hurried up to Olympus, where he sat in the waiting room and read the magazines. Suddenly, the god Hermes appeared in front of him. "Hey, Chiron," said Hermes. "We're ready for you."

Hermes led Chiron back into the office, where Chiron just stood there, looking at the chair.

"Yeah, uh, you don't have to sit there," said Hermes. "Oh, here's Dionysus!"

"Hello, Chucky, ready for your consultation?" asked Dionysus. Without waiting for an answer, he placed something in Chiron's mouth. "We're going to take some x-rays, Checkers," said Dionysus.

"How do you not know my name when we've been working together for the past…how long has it been?"

"Yeah, who cares? I just like annoying you." Dionysus pulled up the x-rays on the computer. "Chiron," he said dramatically, "you're going to have to get your wisdom teeth removed."

"I'll just get it over with now," Chiron said, shifting anxiously from hoof to hoof.

"All right," Dionysus said. "Hermes, give me the laughing gas!"

Hermes handed Chiron the laughing gas and Chiron breathed it in.

By now, you're probably waiting to hear how Chiron's teeth were removed, but there wasn't anything too exciting about it. Dionysus gave Chiron all the drugs he needed and extracted his wisdom teeth. Then he sent a very drunk Chiron off to fetch his medicine.

On the way, though, Chiron was galloping through a beautiful field, when he noticed a carnival.

"Hey!" Chiron drooled. "They have pony rides!" He sped towards the carnival, where all the little kids were doing pony rides.

A man in a cowboy outfit was ordering the kids to stop riding the ponies.

"Good work, boys and girls," said the guy. "Well, that's it for these ponies! Y'all have a nice day!"

"Hey!" Chiron yelled at the guy.

Cowboy-Man looked at Chiron funny. "Hey, kids, lookit that! A talking pony!"

"This is my territory!" Chiron yelled. "I want to go in the pony pen!" And he undid the ropes around the pen and hopped inside. He put the ropes back. "Who wants a ride?" he asked.

"Me!" a little boy yelled.

"NO!" Chiron yelled. "YOU ARE MUCH TOO FAT!"

The little boy started crying, punched Chiron in the face, and ran off crying for his mommy.

Chiron looked at all the other kids. "My name is Ponyboy," he said. "I like hot girls, partying, and beer! If you kids get me some booze, I'll give you a pony ride! How does that sound?"

"YAY!" the little kids screamed.

"GOOD!"

Once Chiron had had his fill of beer, he gave the little kids pony rides.

A couple of hours later, the laughing gas and Novocain had started to wear off. Chiron stopped in the middle of a little kid's pony ride to stare up at the sky. "Uh…" he said awkwardly, "I…have to poop." And he ran off, after letting the kid get off, of course.

Chiron entered Camp Half-Blood, where he went into the dining pavilion. Then he realized that all of the campers were looking at him funny.

"What?" he demanded.

"Chiron," said Percy, "Hermes sent us this Iris Message and he said he wanted us to watch this. Did you really give those kids pony rides?"

"Of course I didn't," Chiron said. Of course he was in denial; he didn't remember a single thing.

"Chiron," Annabeth said, "we'll forget this on one condition."

"What would that be?" Chiron asked, afraid of the answer.

"You have to give each and every camper a pony ride," Percy said. "Now."

Chiron shrugged. "Fine."

So instead of a sing-along that night with the Apollo bunch, Chiron wasted three hours giving all of the demigods pony rides around Camp Half-Blood.