I don't own "The Ring", Portillo's, or "Scary Movie III", where these ideas came from. FYI, this chapter is pretty dirty. Children under…uh…13, don't read this. Just skip it. It's for the best. Or you'll learn this stuff eventually, so why not start now?
CHAPTER 23: THANATOS MAKES PRANK CALLS
Thanatos was sitting on a park bench, watching some old guy playing with his grandkids on the playset. Well, Thanatos thought, I guess it is his time. He got out his scythe thingy and struck the old man down. Thanatos giggled (weirdo!) and headed back to his car.
"Ah," he sighed to himself, "a good day's work! I think I'll go get some cheese fries!"
Thanatos headed to Portillo's to grab some cheese fries.
"Hello, sir," said the drive-thru lady, "welcome to Portillo's! May I take your order?"
"Yes," Thanatos said. "I'll have a large order of cheese fries with a large vanilla shake."
"Sir, that'll be seven-fifty. If your order is correct on the screen, please pull around to the first window."
Once Thanatos got his cheese fries and vanilla shake, he went back to the Palace of Hades (where he lived, because before that he was living in a coffin, and Hades said that was so freaking creepy, so Thanatos lives there now).
Thanatos dipped a fry into the cheese sauce and bit into it. Ah, the flavor was divine. But when Thanatos chewed with his back teeth, he felt a stabbing pain near his gums.
"OW, DAMMIT!" he yelled.
Hades came running out from his study. "Did Nico leave his squirt guns on the floor again?" he asked Thanatos.
"No, Lord Hades. My teeth hurt!"
"Are those cheese fries?"
Thanatos looked at him. "Yeah."
"Can I have one?"
"Eh, sure, whatever."
"Thanks." Hades took a fry and dipped it in the cheese sauce. "Wow, that's excellent! Much better than the crap I eat for lunch everyday around here!"
"You know," Persephone said, walking into the room in a dress that made her look like a slut, "you can cook. The stove isn't that hard to use, is it, dear?"
"But you're better at it than I am," Hades insisted. He turned to Thanatos. "And you," he said, "if your teeth are hurting that badly, perhaps you should go to the Olympian Dentist Office to have them checked out."
"But that requires me to move," Thanatos said lazily from the table. "But I guess it's better than this excruciating pain."
Thanatos had made his appointment for the following morning. So there he sat on the bench in the waiting room, reading a magazine called Poseidon Admits to Peeing in the Bathtub When He Thinks About Sally Jackson. Thanatos was interested, so he started reading. He didn't get very far, for someone tapped him on the shoulder.
Persephone was standing in front of him in a nurse's uniform with flowers, hearts, and butterflies on it. Thanatos thought she looked sexy, but he bit his tongue and said nothing.
"Thanatos," Persephone said, "Dr. Hades is ready for you."
Thanatos reluctantly got up and followed her into the exam room.
Thanatos said in the dental chair and watched as Persephone placed a napkin around his neck and sat in the assistant's chair. Hades was on his right with a tool tray in front of him.
"Thanatos, I understand you're having teeth trouble," said Hades. "Well," he said, standing up, "I have to pee. While I am doing that, Nurse Persephone will take x-rays of your jaw." And he ran off. The bathroom was right by the office, so they both heard him singing some love song he probably used to woo Persephone.
Persephone took a few x-rays and Hades returned. "What?" he asked. Persephone and Thanatos were both looking at him.
"Where you singing?" asked Persephone.
"Uh…no," Hades said quickly. "Ah, here are your x-rays! Your wisdom teeth are erupting, so we're going to have to pull them immediately if they're causing you this much pain, Thanatos." He turned to Persephone. "Give me that topical!"
Persephone handed Hades four sticks. Hades looked at them, then at Persephone. "What flavor is this?"
"Oh! Mommy and Trip left wheat-flavored topical in the drawer, so I thought I'd use that," Persephone said.
"No, my dear," said Hades sadly. "Let's use something a little more pleasant, hmm?"
Persephone said, took out another set of swabs, and covered the tips with cherry-flavored crap. Hades stuck it into Thanatos' mouth and he gagged.
"Yeah, sorry," Hades said, reaching out for the Novocain. "Now, hold still. You'll be feeling a few pinches, but it shall be over soon."
About five minutes later, Hades checked to see if Thanatos was numb. When he was sure Thanatos was, Hades grabbed a pair of forceps and looked at Thanatos. "If you bleed out, I'm sorry." And he began to pull teeth out.
Thanatos was feeling very nervous, so he grabbed Persephone's hand and squeezed it.
"Hey!" Hades barked. "Are you holding hands with my hot woman?!"
"Uh-huh," Thanatos managed.
"She's MINE!" Hades yelled. "Go find your own crazy bi—"
"Hades!" Persephone scolded. "Are you even paying attention?"
Hades ripped out the rest of Thanatos' teeth and Thanatos rinsed. Then he headed back to the Palace of Hades and into his room. Then he picked up his phone.
"Who to call," he said, his voice muffled form the gauze. "Percy Jackson!" He quickly got Percy on the phone.
"Hello?" Percy's voice rang.
"Seven days," Thanatos whispered.
"Who is this?" Percy asked.
"It's me…Scooby Doo," Thanatos replied.
"What's this seven days thing mean?"
"Seven days," Thanatos repeated.
"Yeah, buddy, I got that," Percy said icily. "What do I have seven days for?"
"Until your mom and your dad make love!"
That didn't go very well, so Thanatos thought he'd try again. He called Jason Grace.
"Hello?" Jason asked.
"Seven days," Thanatos said.
"Who is this?" Jason asked.
"This is Fred Flintstone with really bad laryngitis," Thanatos said. "You have seven days until Piper blows up and dies, and Reyna comes to take her place."
Jason hung up.
"Dammit," Thanatos whispered, then he realized Jason had hung up. "I mean, curse this freaking phone!" By now, the meds had worn off, and Thanatos was feeling sleepy. He spat the bloody gauze out, crawled under his covers, got his Grim Reaper stuffed animal, and drifted off to sleep, dreaming about death and violence…and blood of course.
Did you like it? I had a craving for cheese fries!