CHAPTER 31: LETO'S PREGNANT!

Leto was sitting on the bench in the waiting room, waiting to get all high and stuff, when a person next to her made a sound. "Hi, Mommy," Apollo said cheerfully.

Leto groaned, because she now knew what she'd be in for. "Hi, honey," she said.

"You wanna hear something really awesome?"

"No. Not really, Apollo."

But Apollo cleared his throat and began to recite:

"I am Apollo.

I'm going to make you high.

It will be awesome!"

Leto thought about running into Tartarus and asking Echidna to eat her up for dinner. But she took a deep breath and smiled at her son. "That was beautiful, dear."

"I know, right? I'm so awesome at haikus!"

"Yeah…" Leto sighed. "So…who's my doctor today?"

"Oh, uh, you won't like her. She's mean."

"You know, I can hear you all the way in the office!"

Hera stuck her head out of the exam room and glared at the pair of them. "Why are you two so mean to me?"

"Probably because when I was in labor, you wouldn't let any lands receive me!" Leto yelled at the queen.

"Because my ass of a husband knocked you up!" Hera squeaked. "Get in here and let's get this procedure over with!"

As soon as Leto entered the office, Apollo helped her into the chair and put the napkin on her. "Mommy," he said, "just so you know, you can hold my hand if Queen Bitchy over here hurts you."

"Leto," said Hera, "can I not give you the Novocain? I hate you."

"Evil stepmother," Apollo scolded, "we need to use it up. Otherwise, we'll be yanking teeth out that don't need to be yanked."

Hera rolled her eyes (because she always thought Apollo was an idiot), leaned the chair back, and turned on the light.

And so the procedure began. Hera "forgot" to give Leto the topical, so Leto was in tears by the time the Novocain was finished. Apollo gave her some laughing gas too late, so it didn't kick in until Hera was halfway done with the procedure.

Apollo was sitting calmly in the assistant's chair while Hera stitched Leto up. Finally, Apollo handed his mother some water and he cleared his throat.

"Mommy, you are bleeding.

It is pretty and yellow.

Holy crap that's bad!"

Leto started crying. "'Pollo," she slobbered, "that…was…AMAZING!"

"I know, Mommy! C'mon, let's go get you some medicine!"

"Gods," said Hera, "I'm going to shoot the pair of you and make you watch Zeus and I make out! Eh…on second thought, maybe I won't. Aphrodite does that five times a week anyway."

Apollo led Leto back to his pharmacy, where he went behind the counter while Leto stood there.

Apollo was looking for his mother's prescription, when he heard a loud sniffle. "Ma?" he asked.

"Polly!" she yelled at him. "I'm late!"

"For what? We told you, no heavy activity for a few days!"

"Polly, I'm pregnant!"

Apollo dropped the bottle of pills on the floor and they scattered all over the place.

"How's that possible?" Apollo asked. "You haven't been on a date with anyone in a long time."

"Zeusy got me pregnant," Leto sobbed into his shoulder. "Quick! Help me find a place so I can give birth!"

Apollo decided to go along with Leto's little game, so he took her to Zeus' palace and rang the doorbell.

Zeus pulled the door open. "Hey, cutie! HERA! LETO AND I ARE GOING FOR A WALK IN THE PARK AND FEED THE PIGEONS!"

"Zeusy," said Leto, giggling happily, "I'm pregnant again!"

"Sweet," said Zeus. "How many this time?"

"I don't know," Leto replied. "But before Hera gets here, help me find a place to give birth!"

Zeus just thought this was weird, so he slammed the door in Leto's face.

But Leto rang the bell again. This time, Hera answered. "What?" she barked.

"Trick-or-treat! I'm pregnant!" Leto yelled.

"Mommy," said Apollo from a nearby bush. "Let's go get some ice cream."

"Okay, honey!"

Apollo and Leto drove through a drive-thru. Apollo pulled up to the speaker.

"Hello, welcome to Steak n' Shake! What would you like today?"

"Hi," Apollo screamed out the window. "I want one vanilla shake…and a chocolate shake for my pregnant mother!"

"TMI, sir," said the speaker girl. "Okay, sir, that comes to five dollars. Please pull up to the first window, and don't tell anyone your mom's pregnant."

"Mom," said Apollo, "you're not pregnant. That's just the meds talking."

Leto glared at her son. "Did you grow a beard?"

"No. I'm too sexy for a beard."

"You should grow one. You're too young to not have a beard, Apollo."

Apollo rolled his eyes and pulled up to the window.

It opened and a woman poked her head out. "Five bucks," she ordered.

Apollo snapped his fingers, making five bucks appear. Leto squealed when she saw the pretty, green money. Then the chick brought out their shakes.

"Thanks, Artemis," said Leto, slapping Apollo on the shoulder.

"Yeah," said Apollo. "Mommy, take this magical pill. It'll make you normal again."

Apollo handed Leto a pill and she downed it with the shake. Then she stared at Apollo. "Son, where are we?"

"We're at the ice cream shop," Apollo said.

"Oh, okay," said Leto. "Would you mind taking me back to my palace so that I may watch TV?"

"Sure, but are you pregnant?"

Leto slapped him. "Never ask a woman if she's pregnant, Apollo! Where on Delos did you hear that nonsense?"

"You! You said you were pregnant."

"I did?"

"Yeah! You did!"

"Oh, honey, Mommy was in high mode," Leto told her son.

"That's what I thought." They'd reached Leto's palace by now, so Apollo helped her inside and settled her on the couch. "Gimme that straw," he ordered, taking the straw out of Leto's shake. "You can't suck on anything while you're healing up, Mommy."

Sorry for the long wait, everyone. I'm trying to redo my room and it's kind of making me a little obsessive about everything needing to be perfect and all. Anyway, hope you liked it! I think I'm done with wisdom teeth for a while, but I'll make sure the demigods get tortured, too! Any other dental procedures you think the gods would be in for?