Owlion12, ladies and gentlemen!

OH YEAH, THERE'S SOME GROSS STUFF IN THIS CHAPTER. DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T LIKE HEARING ABOUT POOP AND…OTHER STUFF…SURPRISE?!

CHAPTER 34: THE MIRACLE OF CHILDBIRTH

Elytheia was down in the mortal world, helping some chick give birth to twins.

"Push, Mrs. Robinson," said Elytheia, who was in the guise of a young doctor.

"Is it here yet?" Mrs. Robinson gasped out.

"It's here!" Elytheia shouted excitedly. "Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson! You've had a beautiful baby girl!"

After assisting in the Robinsons' childbirth, Elytheia headed back to Zeus and Hera's palace.

"Ah, Elytheia!" Zeus said excitedly. "Your mother is looking for you. HERA! ELYTHEIA HAS RETURNED!"

"Hi, Elytheia, dear," said Hera, setting a plate of brownies on the table. "Are you ready for your appointment?"

"Uh…sure. I guess."

"Excellent." Hera put some plastic wrap over the plate of brownies and looked at her daughter. "Would you mind waking Hebe up from her nap? I'll meet you two in the office."

"Sure, Ma."

Elytheia headed upstairs to Hebe's room and banged on the door. She walked inside. Hebe's froggy nightlight was on and Elytheia heard faint snoring coming from the loft. She climbed the ladder and saw Hebe sleeping peacefully, cuddled up next to her stuffed dog named Mr. Snugglies.

"Hebe," said Elytheia, "Mom needs your help with my surgery today."

Hebe shot out of bed. "Okay!" she said. "Let me get something first!" She headed over to her closet, grabbed her doctor toys and her lab coat, and took Elytheia's hand. "Let's go, Ellie!"

Meanwhile, Hera was setting out all the tools for the procedure. She was only planning on having Hebe hand her the tools, so she knew she'd be doing all of the work. She wasn't even planning on letting Hebe hold the vacuum and water squirting thingy.

"Mommy," Hebe's voice rang, "can we come in now?"

"Yep," Hera replied.

Hebe led Elytheia into the room and made her sit in the chair.

Hera looked at Hebe, who was dressed in a white lab coat and carrying a medicine bag with her. "Well, Dr. Hebe, look at you, all dressed up for surgery today!"

"Yep," Hebe said. "You said I gets to help, so I'm gonna!"

"Perfect!" Hera replied, putting the napkin on Elytheia's shirt. Hera kicked the button and the chair fell backwards. Hera reached for the light. "Let's get started! Hebe, hand Mommy those sticks right there."

Hebe handed Hera the topical and Hera gave it to Elytheia, who choked on it because it was banana-flavored today. Hera grabbed the Novocain and the laughing gas and gave both of them to Elytheia.

As soon as the laughing gas and Novocain kicked in, the procedure really got interesting. "Dr." Hebe handed Hera some forceps, and Hera ripped all four of Elytheia's wisdom teeth out.

"Don't worry, Ellie," said Hebe. "Dr. Mommy's gonna make you all better!"

Hera put some stitches in and Elytheia sat up. Suddenly, Elytheia grabbed her stomach. "Oh, gods!" she yelled. "I think I'm in…LABOR!"

"No you're not," said Hebe. "You're not fat like most pregnant chicks are, Ellie!"

"Hebe, what did Mommy say about fat people?" Hera said sternly.

"We don't call them fat to their face except Dionysus because he really is fat," Hebe said, like she was reading it off the wall.

"Very good." Hera turned to Elytheia, who was getting in that awkward position mothers go into when they're in labor. "Yes, this is going to be awful. Hebe, go get Daddy."

"Okay, Mommy!" And Hebe ran out of the room to get Zeus.

Meanwhile, while Hebe was gone, Elytheia began pushing. "EEEEERRRRRRRR!" she screamed. "Mommy, I think it's stuck!"

"Elytheia, dear," Hera said calmly, "you're not in labor. I pulled your—"

Suddenly, Elytheia spotted the empty syringes of Novocain. "I was looking for that!"

"For what?" asked Hera.

"I was looking for the epidural!"

"No, El—"

But it was too damn late! Elytheia reached for the needle, turned around, and jabbed it into her spine. Again, there wasn't any medicine in there. Elytheia relaxed into the chair and looked up at Hera. "Your hair is so beautiful," she said.

"Thanks, honey."

"All right! I'm the king! What's going on?"

Hebe was pulling Zeus into the exam room. Zeus looked from Elytheia (whose legs were spread apart like she was actually in labor) to Hera (who was throwing her gloves and mask away).

"Daddy, Ellie gots a baby in her tummy," Hebe said happily. "But not really. We're playing house!"

"Um, okay," said Zeus. He looked at Hera. "Queenie, did you drug her too much?"

"I guess I did," Hera admitted.

"EEEERRRRRRRRRR!" Elytheia pushed again.

Suddenly, everyone saw something brown on the red chair. Zeus touched it with his finger. "Everyone," he announced to the room, "Elytheia has just crapped herself."

"Mommy!" yelled Hebe. "Where's Ellie's baby? She said she was giving birth, so where's the baby?"

"It died," said Zeus bitterly, wiping his finger on his kingly robes.

"Just for that, you're doing the laundry this Saturday," Hera said.

"Aw, damn!"

"No swearing in front of Hebe, Zeus!"

"What does damn mean?"

"It means a pile of rocks that blocks water," said Zeus, smirking at Hebe.

But Hebe was too young to get the joke. "Ellie, are you okay? Did your baby die?"

Elytheia started crying. "No. It's still in there! Get it out of me!" She kicked, screamed, and pooped all over the chair again, but some landed on the floor of the exam room this time.

"Okay, that's it!" Hera declared. The light was still on, so she turned it off and looked at Zeus. "Zeus, see if you can find some valium or something!"

Zeus looked through the dental assistant's drawer, but only found extra mirrors and explorers, the different flavors of topical, Novocain needles, and a box of swabs. Meanwhile, Hebe was helping Hera find the valium.

"Mommy, what's valium?"

"It's a special medicine we give people to calm them down," Hera cooed. "So, can you help Mommy find it?"

"Yep!"

So the search began. Hera looked through one drawer while Hebe looked through the other. All Hera found were some toothbrushes, gloves, masks, and scary-looking dental tools. Hebe, on the other hand, found some more interesting stuff…and she had to ask Hera what everything was.

"Mommy, what're these Popsicle sticks doing in here?"

Hera looked at her daughter, who was pointing to a jar of tongue depressors. "Oh, those are for looking at your throat at the doctor's office."

"But we're at the dentist office, Mommy!"

"Hebe, shut up and listen to your mother!" Zeus snapped.

Hera picked up a tongue depressor and threw it at Zeus. Then Zeus picked it up and stuck it in his mouth. Then he pretended he was smoking a cigarette. "Hello, ladies," he said flirtatiously.

"Oh, that's nasty," said Hera.

"Mommy, what's this?"

Hebe was now holding up a box of…CONDOMS?! Hera snatched the box from her hands and read the permanent marker writing on it. THIS BOX OF CONDOMS BELONGS TO THE ALMIGHTY ZEUSTER!

"ZEUS!" Hera yelled at her husband. "EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"

"In case I want to knock someone up while they're high," Zeus defended himself.

"Mommy," Hebe said, "what's this?"

Hebe held up a box of tampons.

"Mommy will tell you all about those when you're a big girl," Hera cooed, shoving the tampons in her purse.

Finally, Hebe found a needle containing the valium. She handed it to Hera, who jabbed it into the kicking and crying Elytheia's arm. Elytheia immediately relaxed into the chair.

"Well, that was an ordeal," said Zeus. "I think I'm going to go back to the palace and watch a basketball ga—"

"No, you're in charge of carrying my patient to her room," snapped Hera.

"Screw you, Hera," Zeus mumbled. He picked up Elytheia, whose clothes were drenched in poop, and carried her off to her room in their palace.

That night at dinner, Hera was making some applesauce for Elytheia when Hebe ran into the room. "Uh…Mommy," she said uncertainly. "Uh…I had a little assident in my room again."

"Hebe," said Zeus from the couch, "we have got to potty-train you again. These accidents need to end sometime!"

"But Ellie pooped in the office today!"

"That's different."

"Zeus," Hera snapped, "clean up Hebe's urine. Then clean Hebe up. THEN help me make an apple pie!"

Zeus went upstairs with Hebe into her room. There was a puddle of pee on the wood floor…and Zeus was pissed!

"Oh, Hebe!" Zeus yelled at her. "Get me something to clean this up now!"

As Zeus was cleaning up Hebe's "accident", his hand slipped and he fell face-first into the pee. "Well," he said to himself, "I guess I deserved that for knocking up all those women."

Thanks for reviewing, guys! I hope you liked this chapter! Next chapter I'll be starting on the demigods!