Here's the almighty goddess of love (remember that she's afraid of medical procedures for some weird reason). Enjoy! OH AND GREEK HEROES COMES OUT TOMORROW! WHO'S EXCITED?!

CHAPTER 43: APHRODITE GETS TORTURED

"APHRO!" Ares yelled. "Come down here and eat this steak that still looks raw on the inside!"

Aphrodite was doing her makeup upstairs in the bathroom when she heard Ares calling her for dinner. It smelled delicious, so she assumed it would taste delicious, too.

"So tomorrow," said Ares as he cut a piece of steak, "we're going to the dentist to have that toothache looked at."

"But I don't want to!" Aphrodite pouted.

"Well…" Ares said, "that…sucks for you."

"Can you hold my hand, Ares?"

"No, babe. I have to go to War Camp tomorrow, but I'll send you my blueprints of World War III. I think I'm going to make all the French people hate each other, then I'll probably make the Greeks and Romans hate each other, and…"

"Sorry, you lost me on the French people," Aphrodite snapped.

Ares rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I have to go pack. Eat up before that steak gets cold."

The following day, Ares literally had to carry Aphrodite into the waiting room where she'd be waiting for her procedure. Ares kissed her goodbye, grabbed his suitcase, and started singing a war song. "Hey, Aphro, I have a song I want to try on you. Now, you have to repeat after me."

"Gods." Aphrodite grimaced as her toothache got worse. "Fine. Go."

"Aphro ain't got no brains in her head!"

"Aphro ain't got no—hey! That's mean!"

"But she's really good in bed."

"I know, Ares."

"No, Aphrodite. You're supposed to repeat what I say."

"No, Aphrodite. You're supposed to repeat what I say."

"Shut up."

"Shut up."

"No!"

"No!"

Ares pinched her. "Are you going to stop now?" he snarled.

"Yes, honey."

"Good."

Hephaestus walked out of the exam room, wearing his usual gray coveralls and mechanic stuff. "Oh…it's you," he snarled, looking at Aphrodite. "First off, you're late for your appointment. Second, Ares can't come in because he needs to go to War Camp. So say bye-bye to him now."

Aphrodite rolled her eyes. "I already did that, you antisocial nobody!"

Hephaestus glowered at her. "And you can come back now."

Hephaestus led Aphrodite into the exam room, and when Aphrodite caught a glimpse of her doctor, she got REALLY pissed.

"Oh gross! IT'S YOU!"

Artemis turned around and glared at her. "Good morning, Aphrodite."

"Good morning, Fartemis."

"Let's try that again, shall we? Good morning, Aphrodite."

"Good morning, Artemis."

"There you go. See? That wasn't so bad, was it?"

"I don't like you," Aphrodite smirked.

"You know, Aphrodite," said Hephaestus, "the longer you stand here and rant about how much you hate other people, the longer we'll have to look at you. Both of us have extremely busy schedules. I have to schedule Leo for his visit really soon. He's having tooth troubles and stuff."

"Oh, so is Piper." Aphrodite glared at the two gods. "All right, I'll sit in the damn chair. But don't screw my face up, Artemis, or I'll murder all of your Hunters and eat their brains like a sexy zombie."

Hephaestus put a napkin on Aphrodite and looked at her chart. "Ares said you have a really bad toothache. When did this start?"

"Three days ago. I've been taking Advil for it, too."

"Good for you," said Hephaestus bitterly. "Does it hurt anywhere in particular?"

"Yeah. It hurts everywhere!" Aphrodite moaned.

"Then we'll need to take some x-rays," Artemis glowered. "Let's get this over with," she sighed.

Once the x-rays showed up on the computer, Artemis looked at them. She gasped. "APHRODITE!" she screamed at the love goddess. "Do you ever brush your teeth? You've got cavities in every single tooth! Tell me this: how does that happen?"

"I don't know. You should ask Athena because she's pretty smart."

"Here are your treatment options," Artemis growled at her. "We can either do one long treatment where your face is all numb for the longest freakin' time, or we can spread it out over a few visits."

"She can't make decisions by herself very well," Hephaestus said, "so I'll decide for her. One full visit where her face is totally numb! MWAHAHAHHAHA!"

The goddesses looked at him.

"What?" he demanded. "That was cool."

"Come back tomorrow," said Artemis, "because that's the only day we can make it."

"Fine. I'll have to tell Persephone I can't play tomorrow because of this mess."

"Oh, grow up," said Artemis abruptly.

Aphrodite woke up the following morning to the chirping of birds and little gods playing outside in the park. Then she got all sad 'cause she had a dentist appointment.

She walked into the waiting room and sat on the bench, waiting for Hephaestus to call her back into the treatment room.

"Why aren't there any fashion magazines here?" she squealed. "This is torture, sitting here with nothing to read but the Daily Olympian."

Then she heard two people arguing behind the curtain.

"Listen, Artemis," said a woman's voice, "I can't work with you. My jerk-face husband cheated on me again last night and now I'm upset."

"Listen, you can give her the Novocain, Hera, while I watch with an evil grin on my face from the assistant's chair!"

Aphrodite freaked out because she hated both of those goddesses! She tried not to look nervous as Hera the Queen came out to get her.

"Hi, Hera," Aphrodite beamed.

"Ew," Hera responded. "I don't like you, but come on back and Dr. Artemis will fix your face."

"Wait! I wanna watch this first, Hera!"

There was a TV in the waiting room, just in case Hebe had to come in for another appointment and didn't want to read so she could watch "Sesame Street" or something like that.

Hades, god of perverts, appeared on the TV. He cleared his throat and glared at the camera. "Thanatos, is it recording?"

"Yes, Hades. It's recording."

"Well, I ain't seeing a red light!"

"BECAUSE IT'S IN THE FREAKING BACK, STUPID!"

"I'm just as stupid as you are."

Another voice—Persephone's—snarled: "Yeah, and he's pretty stupid, so that means I'm dealing with two morons."

"Dude," said Thanatos, "you're recording already."

"Oh. Yeah…" Hades looked into the camera and smiled. "Hello, world! Let me ask you a few questions. Did you often wonder where you went after you died? Do you ever want to know how I actually abducted Persephone? How many women have I slept with—"

"I know that answer!" Persephone cried.

"—in the past five minutes?" Hades finished, completely running over Persephone's last comment. "Well, everyone, you will get to know the true Hades quite soon! I shall be appearing on this week's edition of Let's Talk to the Gods! Check it out tomorrow night at eleven with the host Ganymede. Gods, that guy's weird. At any rate, just do it!"

"Are you done watching that terrible commercial?" Hera demanded. "If yes, then come on back into the treatment room."

Artemis was sitting next to the chair, her tools all laid out for her in a neat, little row.

Aphrodite sat in the chair and Artemis laid it back right away because she hated talking to Aphrodite so much.

"Welcome to your one visit of torture," Artemis smirked evilly. "I hope this goes well."

"Yeah," said Hera evilly.

"Ya know, I heard Rhea was nice with little Hebe, so why don't I get the same niceness from you two?" Aphrodite asked, puzzled.

"None of us like you. That's why," Artemis said. "Now open your mouth so I can give you this drug."

First Artemis picked up some swabs of mint-flavored topical and was about to give it to Aphrodite. But the goddess of beauty had other ideas.

"NO FREAKIN' WAY!" Aphrodite yelled. "You are NOT putting that stuff in my face, Fartemis!"

"It's Artemis," Artemis stressed. "Look, the longer we sit here and talk—"

"—the more I'll want to kill the Hunters," said Aphrodite.

"Yeah. We'll go with that," said Artemis. "So let me give this gel to you."

Aphrodite pushed her hand away and the force was so great that Artemis fell out of her chair and landed on the floor with a thud that echoed off the walls of the room. The swabs of topical fell on Artemis' hand.

"My hand's getting numb," she said.

"Yay! She's distracted!" Aphrodite squealed. She chose that moment to push Hera to the ground as well and then she ran out of the room.

For once, Hera felt like being nice to Artemis. After all, their common enemy was Aphrodite, so they decided to go hunt her down.

"Are you okay, Artemis?" Hera asked, helping her up.

"Yes. I'm fine. My hand's a bit numb, but it'll pass eventually," Artemis replied. "Now…I have a plan. Grab that mask for the laughing gas and bring it with you. I have a feeling she's not going to want to come to the chair voluntarily when we find her."

Meanwhile, Aphrodite was walking around Olympus in a panic. She sensed Artemis and Hera were hunting her down, so she had to look for a place to hide from them quickly.

"Perfect," she muttered to herself, "Zeus can help me!"

Aphrodite rang the doorbell and Zeus opened the door. "Hey, sexy," he flirted. "You wanna have some—"

"Not now. Your wife and that awful hunter goddess chick are both after me! Hide me quick!" Aphrodite started sobbing, which Zeus thought was insanely attractive.

"I'll hide you on one condition," he said.

"Name it."

"You have to read me a bedtime story before my bedtime tonight."

Aphrodite rolled her eyes. "Oh…fine!"

"Good. Come in."

Aphrodite walked into the house and—like the immature goddess she is—hid under the kitchen table and put her hands over her face.

A few minutes later, the doorbell rang again. Zeus ran to get it. "Hello, ladies," he said. "Is it Halloween already? Sorry, I ate all the candy."

"ZEUS!" Hera screamed at her husband. "We're looking for Aphrodite. Have you seen her?"

"I saw her," Zeus said, standing in the doorway and trying to block Aphrodite as much as he could. "And I forgot where she is."

"That's weird," said Artemis, "because I see her under your table, Father."

"Ooh…I'm a bad liar," said Zeus sarcastically. "All right, girlies. You can come in now."

"Aphrodite, we see you!" Hera snapped at the goddess of love.

"Uh…she's not here," Aphrodite said in a low voice. "Please leave a bitchy queen message after the beep. BEEP!"

Artemis smirked at Hera and Zeus. "Aphrodite, we just want to have you smell this awesome new perfume Hera and Hestia have been working on together."

"But first you have to lie down on the table," said Hera.

"Uh…no," Zeus said. "Bad idea, honey. You are not treating my kitchen like it's an operating room."

"Huh?" asked Aphrodite.

"Nothing, dear," Hera replied as Aphrodite lied on the table. "Now…breathe deeply."

Aphrodite was asleep in about five minutes because Artemis and Hera had actually put a general anesthetic inside the mask so Aphrodite would go to sleep.

"Good. She's out," said Artemis. "Father, would you please take her to the exam room so that we can fill her cavities while she's still out?"

"Uh…" Zeus said, looking at Aphrodite. "Yeah. No prob."

So Zeus lifted Aphrodite up and carried her off to the exam room. He placed her in the chair, told Hera he was "going to the store to get some milk", and kissed Artemis on the head and told her good luck.

Yeah…how was that? Good? Okay? No flames, please!