This idea comes from ethanhunter72! Great idea, by the way!
CHAPTER 66 (OR WHATEVER CHAPTER WE'RE ON): THE BUTT-CAM!
It was the day after Zeus announced that the medical center was expanding. And it also happened to be the day that Hestia was meeting CreepyStalker666. She literally stayed up all night trying to figure out who it could be.
When she peered over the desk that morning, she was surprised to see Hades standing there. "Hey," he told her. "I have an appointment with some terrible god who'll probably do something terrible to me."
"Lord Hades," said Hestia, "are you, by chance, CreepyStalker666?"
"Yeah," Hades sighed heavily.
"And what was the reason for your appointment?"
"I'm having some—you know what? You know damn well what the reason was," Hades snarled.
"I know, Lord Hades. I just wanted to make you say it again," said Hestia, smiling kindly. "Well, just have a seat in our new waiting area and the nurse will be right out."
The waiting room looked—and smelled—like a normal doctor's office in the mortal world. It had a few rows of chairs, a door to a dude's bathroom and a chick's bathroom, and a TV that was playing some boring news broadcast by Hermes. Today's news story involved Hermes standing naked in the desert.
Hades sat down in front of the screen so he could watch his naked nephew embarrass himself.
"Hello, universe," Hermes said bitterly. "I'm Hermes, blah, blah, blah. Today, I will be telling you why it is NOT a good idea to roam around naked in the desert. First of all, I have no notes prepared on the desert so I guess I'm sorta screwed out here. But that's cool 'cause Apollo said he would pick me up after he was done taking his nap…which I'm not sure how that could possibly work because he's driving the sun or whatever he does." Hermes continued to vent at the camera.
Hades rolled his eyes and started to look through a magazine entitled Hermes' Notes on Roaming Naked Through the Desert.
Hestia pressed a button on her phone and called the office. "Hello, it's Hestia. Yep, your patient has arrived."
The door next to Hestia's desk opened and out came…Hazel Levesque. How she was put in the nurse position today, Hades didn't know…nor did he care. He just wanted to get this stomachache taken care of. She even looked like a nurse that was too young to graduate nursing school, but this didn't bother Hades too much; he was a god, so he obviously couldn't die!
Hazel walked over to Hades and looked at her clipboard. "Hi, Lord Pluto."
"That's Dad to you, missy," said Hades. "I don't care if I'm in my Greek or Roman form, you shall still recognize me as your father."
"Okay, Dad," said Hazel. "Uh…please follow me."
"Good luck, Lord Hades," said Hestia.
"Go to Tartarus," Hades snapped as he passed her.
"Oh my…" Hestia replied, going back to her computer. Then her phone rang. "Hello! Olympus Medical Center. Hi, Hera. Of course I can put you down for a physical! Yes, of course I can get Asclepius to do it!"
Hazel led Hades down a long hallway towards one of the exam rooms. They passed a dentist exam room, an x-ray room, and a bunch of other rooms that Hades didn't want to know about. Once they got passed the lab, Hazel knocked on a door, then opened it.
Sitting next to the computer, looking at pictures of plants, was Hades' favorite goddess Demeter (friends, that was sarcasm). Demeter was eating a bowl of Froot Loops that made Hades' stomachache feel worse.
"Ah, Hades," Demeter said, closing out of the website, "right on time. I'm Dr. Demeter. Please have a seat on the table so I can examine you and ask you a bunch of questions about your general health."
Hades sat his butt on the table on top of the crinkly paper. He began to slouch because he was depressed today.
"Now, Hades," said Demeter, "if you slouch, you won't digest your food properly and it'll make you sicker."
"If you don't stop talking about how perfect of a family you have with Trippy-head and Fruitsnacks, you'll turn into Hera," Hades snapped at her.
"I see," said Demeter. "Hazel, be a dear and take your father's vital signs while I interrogate him."
"Sure thing, Lady Ceres," said Hazel. She put her fingers on Hades' wrist to check his pulse, then she took his temperature.
Meanwhile, Demeter looked at Hades. "So, what brought you in today, Hades?"
"Well, I've been having some stomach problems lately and I thought about going to Dr. Chocolates down in the mortal world, but I'd rather have someone I know do the procedure," said Hades. "And, in case you're wondering, I made up Dr. Chocolates just to make you laugh because your laugh is actually kinda cute."
Demeter glared at him.
"Someone's on her period," Hades observed as he watched Hazel write down his vital signs.
"Hades," said Demeter, "do you have stressors in your life?"
"Yeah. You, Triptolemus, Persephone, dead people, my terrible children, and the fact that I have to take Makaria to preschool every freaking day."
"Did you eat something that's making you sick?" Demeter asked.
"I don't think so," said Hades.
"I already know the answer to this one but I'll ask it anyway," said Demeter, bracing herself. "Do you eat well?"
"It's winter. I don't eat well during the winter. I sorta act like a bear and go into hibernation," Hades replied.
"You're always in hibernation," said Hazel.
"Shut up," Hades snarled. "This is my moment!"
Demeter sighed. "Did you eat your cereal this morning?"
"NO!" yelled Hades.
"I see," Demeter replied, sighing again. She pushed Hades down on the table and lifted up his shirt. "When I touch here, does it hurt?" she said, pressing on the right side of Hades' stomach.
"Yes," Hades grunted.
"Well, I could make you vomit, but that involves me cleaning it up and that's not going to happen," said Demeter. "Or I could make you come in tomorrow for a colonoscopy. I'm going with the colonoscopy." She handed Hades a prescription. "Get that filled right away at Apollo's Drug House. And we'll see you tomorrow."
Hades slumped out of the office and looked at Hestia, who was on the phone with somebody.
"Okay, Artemis. All of your Hunters are scheduled for sports physicals. We'll see you tomorrow. Any preferences on doctors? Not Apollo? Okay, I'll see what I can do." She hung up. "Hi, Hades. We'll see you tomorrow morning for your procedure."
Hades headed to Apollo's Drug House, conveniently located five miles away (by chariot). Hades rushed inside and slammed the prescription down on the counter. "Hi," Hades said briskly. "Demeter is going to do stuff to me tomorrow and is requiring I take this medication or whatever."
Apollo smirked. "So…are you two finally done with this whole you-took-my-baby-from-me thing?"
"No," said Hades. "Demeter and I will NEVER make love, not even if we're the last two gods on Olympus and we must procreate!"
Apollo handed Hades his medicine. "You need to drink this and it'll make you poop. So I'd recommend some of this as well." He handed Hades some toilet paper. "Enjoy and have fun getting the camera stuck in your butt!"
Hades headed back to the Underworld and took a dose of medicine right away. Then he had really bad stomach cramps and headed for the bathroom.
When Persephone came into the kitchen to chat with Hades as she made dinner, she couldn't find him anywhere. She finally decided to go into their bedroom. Sure enough, she found Hades sitting on the toilet, reading the Daily Roman and humming to himself.
"Uh…hi?" Persephone said uncertainly.
"Hello, my dainty flower," said Hades casually. "Your mother has recommended that I get a colonoscopy tomorrow. So I'm drinking this stuff that'll make me crap forever and ever! Isn't that exciting?"
"Not really," said Persephone. "I love you, honey, but I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight. I don't want to risk being sleep deprived tomorrow."
The following morning, bright and early, Hades got up, pooped ten more times, and headed to Olympus. After checking in with Hestia, Hades sat down in a chair and read a fashion magazine.
"I like this new design of black robes," Hades mumbled to himself.
"Dad," called Hazel from the doorway. "Your turn!"
Hades followed his Roman daughter into the office. Hazel threw an ugly hospital gown at him. "Please put this on and Dr. Ceres will be in shortly. She's making sure Lord Fructus eats his oatmeal today."
Hazel stepped out of the room and Hades put on his hospital gown and sat on the table. He looked around the room. "Hmm," he told himself, picking up the doctor's light hanging from the wall, "let's see what this does." He turned the light on and a tiny light appeared. Hades decided that it was a good idea to stick it up his nose and see how it felt. He stuck it in too far because his nose started to hurt, so he yanked the light out of his nose and put it against the wall again.
Then Hades noticed those paddles that mortals use for shocking dead people back to life. He picked them up and pressed a few buttons. "CLEAR!" he screamed, shocking himself. "OW!" He finally decided that this wasn't a good idea to play with shocking things, so he put those back down, too.
There was a knock on the door and Demeter walked in, dressed in a white lab coat and carrying a tray with a tube on it. "Good morning, Hades," she said reluctantly. "Lie down."
Hades lied down on the table and looked at Demeter, who told him to turn on his left side. Demeter looked at Hazel, who gave Hades a shot of something that made him feel sleepy and out of it.
"Hades," said Demeter, "we're going to stick this camera in your anus."
"That's my favorite planet," giggled Hades. "Uranus!"
"No, no," Demeter said, "I meant we're going to put this camera up your butt." Demeter inserted the camera, which made Hades scream and slap her hands away.
"You sick, sick woman!" Hades yelled.
Demeter looked at Hazel. "Please give him some nitrous. He's freaking out and I can't do this procedure until he's calm."
Hazel put a mask over Hades' face and Hades breathed in the air.
By the time Hades woke up, he was still in his hospital gown and was still on the table, but it had gates on it so he wouldn't fall off. Hazel was standing over him, smiling. "Dad, we're finished. Dr. Ceres will be in in a sec to discuss the results."
Hades grabbed Hazel's hair. "Your hair looks like chocolate curls on an ice cream cone," he said.
"Okay?" Hazel said. She left the room.
Demeter came in and sat in the spinning chair and glared at her brother. "Hades, we've found something in your intestines. Did you, by chance, swallow a Lego?"
Hades' head lolled from side to side in his very high state. "Uh…huh," he decided.
"I see," said Demeter. "Well, you're good to go. Get dressed."
Hades stood up and took off the gown. Then he ran out of the room to go back to the Underworld. Now, Hades was completely naked at this point, so of course, this got a lot of stares from other people.
"Wow," said a voice. "Mommy! Look! Uncle Hades is naked!"
"Hebe, it's rude to stare," Hera scolded.
"But, Mommy…" Hebe insisted, "Uncle Hades looks funny!"
Hades skipped all around Olympus until he caught the eye of Hermes. "Whoa!" Hermes breathed. He took out his phone and took a picture of the naked god. "I have to put this in the paper!" So he flew off to his office to write the article and add it to that week's edition of the Daily Roman.
Meanwhile, Hades headed into the Underworld, where Persephone was waiting for him, her arms crossed. "Where are your clothes?" she asked him.
"Oh, I kinda, like, swallowed 'em," said Hades flatly. "I have to go get a colonoscopy from Dr. Ceres! Hooray! Hooray!"
"No," said Persephone, throwing Hades a clean pair of underwear and his black robes. "Put those on right now. How did it go, dear?"
Hades, who'd gotten the Lego back from Demeter, showed it to Persephone, who covered her mouth. "Oh, gods…"
"Yep," Hades giggled happily. "That was in my ass, Sephie!"
"I can see that…and smell it," said Persephone.
Just then, that week's edition of the Daily Roman appeared in front of them on the table. Persephone examined the front picture. The article was titled: "I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY CLOTHES: THE STORY OF HADES RUNNING ACROSS OLYMPUS NAKED".
Persephone read the article, which didn't say much about Hades' surgery; it said more things about Hades' naked adventures. There was an interview with Hebe and Hera as they were walking in the park, but those were the only two interviewees.
Persephone glowered at her husband. "Honey, go lie down. You've had a long day and you still look pretty tired."
Hades giggled, let loose a massive fart that scared the crap out of Persephone, and headed off to his bedroom.
Okay, that was the longest chapter I have EVER WRITTEN ON FANFIC! YAY! I hope you guys found Hades rather enjoyable!