Even now, when Jane looks back, she thinks that the days she got to spend with Olivia and Emily were the best of her life. The grey backdrop of home didn't disappear, but it did fade in their presence. She found that life could be easy, maybe even enjoyable.

The year after seventh grade, Emily pays for her to pay summer softball. Both she and Olivia would be going into high school, leaving Jane behind, and the summer softball seems to be both a gift and an apology. Jane didn't acknowledge the gift, she couldn't bring herself to. But she sent Emily long, detailed messages after every game, and she made sure she was always on time and played her hardest. She hope that Emily saw the thank you that Jane couldn't bring herself to say in every picture and paragraph. Knowing Emily the way she did, she suspected the older girl understood. She seemed to know everything, even the things about Jane she wanted to keep hidden. She understood everything.

.

"You're nervous." Maura's hand moves from her lap to hover above Jane's knee for a brief moment, as though she wants to comfort, but isn't sure how. The gesture makes Jane want to tell the truth.

"Yeah," she says quickly. "I am. I know I shouldn't be."

Maura makes a little hum that Jane can't read. "You told me what happened when you brought Casey to your last meet up," she says quietly.

This reminder does nothing to calm Jane's nerves. "That's different," she says, aware that there's a bite to her voice.

"You're different."

Silence falls between them, and Jane listens to the hum of the car, wondering if she's said the last part out loud or simply in her head. Casey had been a fiasco. Maybe this is a bad idea. She can't even begin to talk to Maura about…whatever is happening between them. Why did she think it was a good idea to bring-

"You don't have to introduce me as anything other than your colleague." Maura interrupts her thoughts for the second time during the car ride. "I'm…honored that you would bring me along at all, Jane, and I-" she pauses, clearly choosing her words carefully. "I don't need anything more."

Jane wishes she weren't driving. She wants to close her eyes.

"You are more," She says, trying to sound confident. "You're more than that, Maura."

She knows she's said this, instead of just thinking it, and after a moment, she feels Maura's hand close hesitantly over her knee. The pressure is light, but undeniably there.

…..

…..

Jane pushes up onto the balls of her feet, trying to contain some of her nervous energy. "I know," she says breathily. "I know. That's why better now, right?"

Emily doesn't answer, and she keeps her eyes downcast, even though they can almost look each other in the eye now a days. Jane tries not to take this as a bad sign. She tries not to be discouraged.
"I just…I've been thinking about what you said. I mean, I always think about the things you say, but-"

"Don't." Emily looks up briefly, and then away again, but Jane is trying to keep her own nerves at bay, and so she doesn't register the look on the older girl's face.

"What?" she asks, nearly impatient. "Em, listen, I'm trying to tell you something about how I feel."

"I know how you feel!" Emily nearly yells, and Jane jumps, caught off guard. "I know how you feel, Jane. And I can't…" she looks up into Jane's face, and her eyes soften just the littlest bit.

"A lot of things are going to change…We all have big changes coming this fall and our lives are going to change a ton. We don't-"

"I know," Jane interrupts, trying to stay calm. "I know things are going to change. You guys are going to a new school, and I know I can't see the future. But I love you, Emily. I can't pretend I don't know anymore. You're the one who's always telling me I'm good enough just how I am. Well this is how I am. I love you." Her heart is pounding out of her chest as she finishes, but she's proud of her little speech. She's proud of herself for coming here and saying this. And her pride turns to elation when Emily steps forward and kisses her.

She has been picturing the moment for weeks and weeks, but the reality is better. So, so much better. Emily pulls away after a moment, and Jane laughs, half out of relief and half out of excitement. Everything starts right now. Forget what her father says. Forget her whole entire family.

All that matters is this. Here.

Emily stays silent as Jane composes herself. "Sorry, I don't know what to say." Jane feels light. Everything looks sunny. "I'd only planned up to that speech. I don't know where to go from here."

Emily swallows. "Nowhere," she says, so quietly that Jane almost doesn't hear her.

"What?"

Emily looks up at her, and Jane can see she's barely holding herself together. "I-I don't want it to go anywhere from here, Jane."

Jane stares at her. The great balloon of happiness in her chest deflates just a little bit. "Huh?"

"I don't want…" It seems Emily can't get any further than this.

"You kissed me."

Emily shakes her head. "I shouldn't have." And then, as though she's angry, "I asked you not to say those things. I asked you not to say it. I asked."

Jane clenches her fist, trying to catch up. Trying not to cry. She doesn't want to look like a baby. Not now.

"I do love you," Jane mutters.

Emily bites her lip. "I love you too, Jay. But I can't-"

But Jane's heart leaps. She understands now. "Oh!" she says, and Emily looks at her, surprised. "Oh, don't be scared, Em! You don't have to be scared. We-"

"I'm not in love with you, Jane." Emily overpowers her for the first time, though she looks like she instantly regrets her loss of temper. The way she says Jane's name…

"You're not?"

Emily closes her eyes for a full three seconds. When she opens them, she looks resolute. "No," she says firmly. "I'm not."

"You kissed me." She doesn't want to say it again, but the feeling is still there, lingering on her lips.

"I'm sorry," the tremor is back in Emily's voice. "I'm so – No! Jane!"

Emily grabs at her as she goes to run. She is speaking, but the words are settling slowly, distorted.

So sorry.

You're so special.

It's not because of anything-

But Jane wrenches her arm out of Emily's grip and jumps down her front steps. She sprints away, unable to hear anything once she's started running.

…

…

It goes okay. It goes really well, right up until they start talking about their cases. Emily and Olivia look great. They look the same, and they look different. Jane doesn't think she's ever been happier to see anyone. She can feel Olivia looking her over as they speak, feel her eyes linger on the lack of distance between her and Maura as they slide into the booth. When Maura speaks up with the statistic about kidnapping that leads them into case talk, Olivia's eyes don't leave Jane's face.

"You do it day in and day out," Jane says to her after a moment, hoping to take the pressure off of Maura and herself. "You had that case a month ago where the bastard buried the kid when you got close, remember?"

Olivia is half successful in suppressing a shudder. "Yes," she says, half smiling as Alex's hand closes over her own. "We both do, I dug that little girl up in my date night shoes!"

Jane shakes her head. "I don't know how you do it," she says again. "We had that manhunt for that girl that just ended yesterday…I was a complete mess."

"Untrue," Maura cuts in, and everyone around the table turns to look at her. She smiles at Jane reassuringly before look around at them all. "Jane was competent and dedicated throughout the entire investigation, even when it seemed that hope was lost."

Emily smirks, and Jane feels a blush creep up though he hairline.

"Was she now?" Emily asks.

"Em," J.J. her voice warning.

"Yes," Maura says earnestly. "She was amazing with the victim's younger sibling. He was the only witness to the abduction, and she got him to realize a vital piece of information that ultimately solved the case."

Olivia and J.J. both look completely charmed. Alex looks politely disinterested.
Emily looks downright pissy.

Jane feels irritation prickle the back of her neck.

"It's not a big deal," she says harshly, feeling Maura tense next to her at her tone. "I was just doing my job."

"We all just do our job, hero" Olivia says lightly, and Jane lets herself chuckle along with J.J. and Alex at her old nickname. She lets herself ignore the way Emily's fingers curl every so slightly.

"Still," she says. "Kids, every day. Always fucking hurt…sorry, Maura."

Maura makes an "it doesn't matter" motion with her wine free hand, and Jane wants to take it in her own and hold onto it the way Olivia does with Alex every so often.

She slides her hands around her beer instead, holding tight.

"You work every case with Jane?" Emily's voice is just a little bit too loud.

Maura sits back a little. "Most of them," she nods, "I oversee several other M.E.s on the floor, and occasionally we rotate but-"

"But you and Jane work the best?" Emily asks harshly.

"What about when she gets hurt?"

Jane sees Maura pale out of the corner of her eyes.

"Em," she growls, but Emily waves her away like she's an insolent child.

"What about when she gets really, really injured, Dr. Isles. What about when you have to see her bleeding and unconscious."

"Emily," J.J. puts her hand on her wife's shoulder, pulling at her. "Stop-"

"No," Emily says shortly. "We know why Jane brought her here. Why dance around it anymore? You've seen me code, Jen. Olivia has seen Alex shot, and Alex was there when Liv was almost raped and murdered in the basement of Comstock…what about you Dr. Isles. Do you really think you're strong enough to watch Jane die? To feel her pulse stop underneath your fingertips?"

"Enough!" Jane says loudly, but Maura is already pulling herself out of the booth. "Maura!" Jane struggles to follow, but the doctor shakes her head.
"I'm fine," she says, although she sounds anything but. "I need…some air." She looks as pale as snow. Jane keeps trying to stand.
"Let me go with you," she says, calling now, because Maura is moving away. "Maur,"

"No, Jane, stay with your friends. I'll…I just need…I'll be right back."

Jane stands, watching Maura disappear around the corner and then she turns back to the booth, hoping she looks at least half as angry as J.J."

"What the fucking hell, Emily?"

…

…

Her adrenaline is waning when she reaches her front porch. She'd run the full three and a half miles back to her house, and her breath is coming so loud in her ears that it's all that she can hear.

No. That's not true. She can hear Emily's voice in her head as well, just the same sentence over and over. I'm not in love with you. I'm not in love with you. I'm not.

For a moment, she stands at the base of her front steps, staring up at her house. Olivia and Emily are leaving for college in 62 days, the calendar in her room has become a doomsday count down.

Why is she the one that is always left behind? Why is she the one always running?

There is no anger left inside of her. All of her fury is melting into shame and embarrassment. What had she been thinking? How could she possibly have thought putting herself out there like that would be a good idea?

She uses what's left of her energy and pulls herself up the stairs, throwing the door to her front house open.

She comes face to face with her brothers, both tearstained and scared looking. Frankie has a black eye, already purpling around the edge of his cheekbone.

Jane stares at them, at the fear written all over their faces, at the anger becoming evident in Tommy's features.

Down the hall, her father rounds the corner, belt in one hand, beer in the other, and he makes eye contact with Jane.

For a moment, they stare at each other, and Frank Senior looks like he's waiting for his eldest to take her brothers and turn tail. He looks tired and old and confident in his domination of his family.

But Jane reaches out and cups Frankie's injured cheek for a moment, and then she steps around her brothers, into the front hall. She squares up to her father, and she lowers her chin.

She is done running.

…

…

Jane glares at Emily, noticing with some satisfaction that the other woman at least looks a little ashamed.

"What the hell was that?" she snarls. "What did you have to do that for?"

Emily looks for a moment like she's at a loss, but then she recovers. Of course she does. "You didn't care when I chewed Casey out," she says, and her voice has lost all of it's previous heat. She is back in control. "I'll give the doctor this, she took much longer to cry."

This makes Jane angrier, but she manages not to take the bait. Just barely. "This isn't about fucking Casey, Emily. What is your problem with Maura? What has she ever done to you?"

Emily shakes her head. "I don't have a problem with the doctor."

J.J. Snorts at this, and Olivia and Alex exchange a significant look.

"Em," Olivia begins.

Emily throws up her hands, then she leans forward to point at Jane. "She's who you want, Jane? Doctor Maura Isles? With about as much social aptitude as that tortoise that she won't shut up about?"

Jane clenches her fist. "She has never wanted to hit Emily Prentiss before.

"Look who's talking," she spits, and the way that Emily immediately shuts down the shock and hurt that this retort causes only serves to prove Jane's point. "I like her," Jane says, putting her palms flat on the table to stop them from aching. If she holds them too tightly for too long, they start to hurt. "I like her, Emily. And she…I…" Now is the time to say it. Now, in front of the only people who have never judged her. In front of her two best friends and their wives.

But her throat gets dry, and her eyes start to burn, so she looks away.

Olivia reaches for her hand, understanding, but Jane pulls back. She shakes her head. She is not a child anymore, and her father cannot control her. He hasn't been able to in over a decade.

Emily sighs heavily, and then begins to slide from the booth.

"Where are you going?" Jane asks her suspiciously.

"To fix it."

Jane moves to follow, but Emily shakes her head. "No, stay here. We'll be back in in a couple." She glances at Jane and laughs when she sees her narrowed eyes. "Don't worry, hero. There's just a couple things I have to say to the doctor. It's going to be okay."

Jane watches her go, and then turns back to the table, where everyone is studiously looking somewhere other than her.

"Does someone want to tell me what the hell is going on?"

She watches Olivia and J.J. have an entire conversation without speaking, then Olivia sucks in a breath and gestures that Jane should sit down.

"Sit, Jane," she says firmly. "Let's talk."

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tc